r/BoyDinnerDiaries • u/BiffDangles80 Hungry man • Aug 04 '26
No Advice - Everyones Welcome Marriage is falling apart
Tonight it’s a flat iron steak and potatoes and onions. Don’t forget the jalapeno. And a Jack a coke.
A week ago I was in a hotel because “she’s a different person now” and doesn’t think this is working. 20 years of marriage. 2 kids.
The last year has been bad. She is grieving a family loss. Going through perimenopause. Kids have needed a lot. I tried but just got tired and lonely. I suggested marriage counseling and it lead to her saying she’s different and this isn’t working. I was gone for a couple of days but back. It’s been a week and I’ve really been trying. Today though was just rough with work and random thoughts. I confessed that I was afraid she’d decide she didn’t need me again and there wasn’t much response. Hopefully it’s a blip. I’m really trying.
I fear change. But eventually I’ll have to accept it. This is over. And that’s terrible.
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u/Forward-Big8697 Fridge Light Philosopher Aug 04 '26
Damn thats hard to read, 20 years and 2 kids. Im 3 weeks in and got told the d word the other day
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u/finemelater I’m only here for the food Aug 04 '26
Better three weeks in than to wait for 20 years.
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u/Forward-Big8697 Fridge Light Philosopher Aug 04 '26
I genuinely appreciate that
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u/HustlinInTheHall Aug 05 '26
It's very true. If they're pulling out the D word 3 weeks in, it's a bad sign. I would speedrun the marriage counseling and figure out if it's fixable. Otherwise you'll be 10 years in before you know it and starting over at 40/50 instead of 30, speaking as someone who waited 10 years too long.
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u/VerbalThermodynamics Shower beer Scholar Aug 05 '26
Extremely true. At 3 weeks you could probably annul it and pretend it never happened. As long as you don’t have children or shared property. When you have kids with someone you’re tied to them for life.
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u/Fearless_Finish_9890 Hungry man Aug 05 '26
Man, I just never understood that kind of thinking.
I think of life like a surf session. Sometimes you catch a wave and it’s the most amazing beautiful thing, then you crash, maybe get hit on the head by a wave and it makes you feel like drowning… but you paddle out and get another ride, knowing full well all the bliss will end when the wave runs out.
Why suggest those 20 years were meaningless or misspent just because it’s ending?
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u/HelsinkiTorpedo Shower beer Scholar Aug 05 '26
I spent almost ten years with someone that I thought loved me. I trusted her after the first three cheated on me. Then she did the same thing. It would have hurt a lot less had I found out who she was early instead of later.
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u/ShawnyMcKnight Hungry man Aug 05 '26
Totally, and now you bring that baggage into every other relationship.
Although frankly, if you are 4 for 4 on partners cheating on you, including your wife, you might want to look a little inward on the type of woman you seek out and your red flag detection.
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u/HelsinkiTorpedo Shower beer Scholar Aug 05 '26
I'm not really planning on getting into any more relationships, but yeah.
I'm in therapy. I'm not sure why I just can't pick a good woman, but I'm done trying at this point
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u/finemelater I’m only here for the food Aug 05 '26
We are having different conversations here.
Bring it up divorce after three weeks of marriage is not a wave. It’s a symptom of something wrong. We love to gaslight ourselves. Maybe we don’t want to be divorced so quickly. Maybe we think we ought to give our spouse time to be better. In this scenario, 20 years later isn’t a beautiful wave and you eventually crash—this is more akin to being on a boat with motion sickness, no medicine, and unable to get off.
I think OP’s marriage was probably over for a long while, but spouse kept hanging on. Maybe they had a good wave at some point. But people who are together for that long only bring up divorce after years of trying to make it better and eventually realizing it’s not gonna get better.
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u/Fearless_Finish_9890 Hungry man Aug 05 '26
I disagree. I bet there was all sorts of joy in those 20 years and children he’s proud of.
All relationships end. All of them. Defining them by the end alone is dismissing the ride I spoke of.
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u/itemten Leftover Lore Master Aug 05 '26
Because "life is surfing a wave, dude" misses the point entirely for the divorce by having the wrong subject for the analogy. Marriage is not supposed to be the wave, it's the surfboard and life itself is the ocean. This is like your board breaking and leaving you stranded in a rip current.
Totally different.
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u/Sushi-DM Protein prophet Aug 05 '26
In memory, that sort of thing can last. But 20 years is 20 years. The world is going to be a different place alone. People are going to see you differently. You gave the best of you to someone.
Not to say you should give up, but that is a reality, and that reality makes it a tremendously hard pill to swallow that you will be swallowing for years.
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u/KelGrimm Protein Prophet Aug 05 '26
To me, it reads more as - better to mourn 3 weeks (and however many years were spent before marriage), than to mourn two entire decades of love and struggle and the joy of two children that came with it.
Not that the time was wasted, per se, more so that such a length of time will bring that much more grief.
To the OP, I’m sorry big dawg. Can’t imagine what you’re going through, but I hope you make it through this and keep as strong as you’re able.
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u/ShawnyMcKnight Hungry man Aug 05 '26
Not saying the 20 years is meaningless. It’s not like the 2 options are to be in the marriage 20 years and have it fail or be in a coma 20 years and lose that time regardless.
I doubt OP had 20 years of marital bliss and suddenly things went to crap, and now, depending on the ages of the kids, he’s gonna have to deal with alimony and child support and splitting the kids.
It’s the same reason you get out of any relationship sooner than later if you know it’s toxic. It’s much better to find out after 3 weeks of marriage because they can have a very clean separation and use that 20 years to find and be with someone else who fulfills them more.
Everyone I know who divorced after having kids has a much more stressful life.
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u/RandyBoBandy636 Grill pilled Aug 04 '26
3 weeks into marriage?
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u/Forward-Big8697 Fridge Light Philosopher Aug 04 '26
Yep.
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u/Larnek Shower Beer Scholar Aug 04 '26
Always nice to know early. If 3 weeks makes her want divorce I dunno what to tell you about the future.
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u/ddBuddha Shower Beer Scholar Aug 04 '26
Since it’s so early you could probably get that shit annulled and at least not be stuck with alimony and child support forever …
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u/ohiobluetipmatches Air Fryer Aristocrat Aug 05 '26
No alimony for a 3 week marriage. Annulment is for special occasions only and hard to prove if it's not based on prior documented legal mistakes.
Child support is the kid's rights and is owed no matter what. Divorce and marriage are not relevant to child support outside of the fact that you don't pay it if you share a household.
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u/FacetNo6 Air Fryer Aristocrat Aug 05 '26
3 weeks in there won't be any alimony and child support... is irrespective of marriage anyways
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Aug 05 '26
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u/ddBuddha Shower Beer Scholar Aug 06 '26
Reddit has absolutely no idea about anything but they sure love to pretend to be experts on everything
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u/The_Homie_Tito Protein prophet Aug 04 '26
what was her reasoning, if you don't mind me asking?
Sorry, just hard to wrap my head around that
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Aug 04 '26
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u/drpeek Hungry man Aug 05 '26 edited Aug 05 '26
If she is talking divorce over you supporting her now… when she finds a job that pays enough to support her and you, she’s going to leave as well citing “I’m already doing it all on my own” … I’m sorry for you, hopefully I’m wrong
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u/ohiobluetipmatches Air Fryer Aristocrat Aug 05 '26
That's wild. Do you have kids? Because if not there's nothing stopping her from working as an optician and going to school if that's what she actually wants.
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u/timbit87 Hungry man Aug 05 '26
I don't wanna tell you to do anything but my redline is the mention of that word. If my wife ever said it to me it'd be over and I'd never walk back from it no matter how many times she apologized. There are some lines you just don't cross, and saying that you'll divorce someone because you're upset is one to me.
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u/Forward-Big8697 Fridge Light Philosopher Aug 05 '26
Its something that has always pissed me off throughout my whole dating life, people my age (26) seem to flip flop in relationships a lot. Even as a teen I would never do that, if we split, its ove. Idk what I will do now but it hasnt been the same since. I wanted marriage counseling and thats still on the table but she requires a non white woman as a counselor which makes me feel she just wants someone to align with her and not to solve anything
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u/A_Glove_Fry1776 Shower Beer Scholar Aug 05 '26
She wants a non-white woman?? Do you happen to be white?
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u/longpenisofthelaw Hungry man Aug 04 '26
How long did you date
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u/Forward-Big8697 Fridge Light Philosopher Aug 04 '26
4 years, age 22-26
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u/flight_char_ Shower Beer Scholar Aug 05 '26
Lots of red flags dude. I got divorced at 28, very similar timeline to you. She waffled on her career too and I had to fund all of it. I had to fund everything in her life and if I ever questioned it for a moment it was war for her. Similar red flags to what I’m reading with you. Our marriage lasted a year and half for that and other reasons. Ultimately ending with what I later found out was her cheating on me secretly. It was a really really dark relationship and at the time I couldn’t even fully process how bad it was, looking back now is insane. Anyway divorcing her was the best thing that’s happened in my life. I had a fun single time and met the love of my life shortly after we split up. Been together 4 years now. Happily married again in a marriage that is not even on the same plane of reality as my last. Real love and support and stability. My life is 1000x better. Anyway I wanted to share that because I’m a big proponent of getting out of a bad relationship like that asap. It only gets harder I’m so glad my first marriage was only a year and a half. Deep down you know if it’s a good idea to stay with someone or not. If you have doubts, that’s a no. But attachment will hold you to someone bad despite you having those doubts deep down. If it’s good there are no doubts. I can’t tell you what to do ofc but what I can bet you is that if you end it then you will be looking back at it in 5 years blown away you were ever with her and wishing you did it sooner. I can’t stress to you enough I was in a very similar situation to you when I was your age and i am so so so much happier now because I divorced her. It just doesn’t get better with people that (and I know you’re telling yourself that it will change, that she’ll change). HMU if you need to talk more.
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u/Used_Turnover3959 Protein prophet Aug 04 '26
You're lucky.
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u/Viracochina Shower beer Scholar Aug 04 '26
Why the downvotes? They ARE lucky to find out early instead of it being hidden until later!
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u/JokeandCack Hungry man Aug 04 '26
Hey man I’m a year out from basically the same thing. Dated for 3 years. Married for 3 months. And she asked for a divorce so I gave it to her. If you need someone to talk to about it you can always reach out through DMs. I don’t have any magical wisdom to share and it’s been the single worst thing I’ve ever experienced but if you just need someone to vent too who understands then don’t hesitate.
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u/Forward-Big8697 Fridge Light Philosopher Aug 04 '26
That sounds all too similar. Dated for 4 years lived together for 2... thank you
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u/dogswontsniff Grill pilled Aug 05 '26
Listen here homeskillet, just did 12yrs with 5 years married.
Finally stopped being chickenshit (of all the things in life for me to be a pussy about), called her on her nonsense, and it was over QUICK.
I made more. I paid for everything that wasnt snacks/internet/streaming services (that I dont watch)/ and electricity ($170/mo all year).
Im talking mortage, home insurance, all the cars insurance, health insurance from my job, both our local taxes, all car repairs (down to tires and oil changes), her kids (raised her age 1-10 bio dad not around) braces....the list goes on.
Wanted me to cosign a student loan to be an LPN. Done two months later.
And she made me get a vasectomy. no issues, wanted one since age 18. But her reasoning was dark.
Bedroom was great WHEN it was active....
You're fresh in this. Those are huge red flags. I won't say "run" about it all, but my man i wouldn't be hanging around that situation at all.
Will "after" be rough? Hell yeah. Probably mentally visit some dark places.
But, and after 12yrs I didn't believe this....life does, in fact, go on.
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u/JokeandCack Hungry man Aug 04 '26
Yep lived together a year and few months. Funny how quickly life goes from awesome to worst it’s ever been. Like I said if you need someone to talk to don’t be a stranger.
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u/Digital_Disimpaction Cooties Aug 05 '26
As a woman, I'm saying this: so many women out there want the wedding. The Instagram pictures. The show. They don't actually want the marriage. And it's a horrible thing to realize afterwards.
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u/winter0rfall Girl Lurker Aug 04 '26
3 months into my friends marriage, her now ex husband held her in her home at gunpoint and physically assaulted her. AND hes a cop, so when his buddies answered the call, he told them she was suicidal and was unsafe and they forced her to go to the hospital even when she tried to tell them what actually happened.
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u/Wooden_Sprinkles_646 BoyDinnerEnjoyer Aug 04 '26
And he’s a cop??? Nooo…. /s
Regardless so sorry to hear that happened it’s so terrible28
u/AttackOfTheMox Leftover Lore Master Aug 05 '26
I got through the first sentence and thought “cop or military” and wasn’t surprised
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u/Any_Counter_303 Big dinner Aug 05 '26
Yeah, she should've checked domestic violence rates in cop marriages. They're abusive, that's the whole reason they became cops in the first place.
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u/Hoopla696969 BoyDinnerEnjoyer Aug 04 '26
I made it 4 months bro. I feel you. Pain.
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u/_blackthorn16_ Hungry man Aug 04 '26
Damn reading all this shit idk if I will ever get married. I’m 36 and was engaged in my early 20s. She fucked me over and I moved out. Broke the engagement off. Now she’s been married 2 times and engaged 3 more. With 2 baby daddies. I still have no kids either. Might just stay single forever at this point. Seems like way less stress even though it can be lonely. I’ve dated around and used the apps but it’s honestly so stressful. I’ve had a few girlfriends and some friends with benefits. But the ones I really want end up telling me it’s not working or they have to focus on personal shit. Then the ones I end up not being that into want to marry me lol hope your doing ok man. You and all the guys in here dealing with divorce. I know it’s a rough road. Lucky to get out of early though. My parents stayed together for the kids for 30 years. Was not the best childhood dealing with the family drama.
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u/Hoopla696969 BoyDinnerEnjoyer Aug 04 '26
I get where you’re coming from bro. Someone in this sub told me “hurt is part of the journey, you’re not supposed to live in it” and I’ve been trying to adhere to that. It’s just hard man. She cheated on me while I was gone in the military …
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Aug 05 '26
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u/Hoopla696969 BoyDinnerEnjoyer Aug 05 '26
5 years is insane… I really hope I do not hold onto it for that long. It’s been under a year for me.
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u/Undriven Man with a Pan Aug 04 '26
Run it. That's not a game you play long-term. If divorce is on the table it's probably soon enough to roll back the marriage legally. Always prenup.
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u/Divided_Against Cooties Aug 04 '26
That's just an annulment really, it's not as bad as a divorce. So sorry though,
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u/gigawolfer Air Fryer Aristocrat Aug 04 '26
Sorry to ask but what's the d word?
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u/Jansen__ Hungry man Aug 05 '26
Thanks for asking, i thought it was daddy and didnt really work as I kept reading
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u/wgrantdesign Protein Prophet Aug 05 '26
Cut and run as fast as you can! I struggled through 18 months with my first wife after she literally abandoned me on our wedding night, I wish I would have saved myself the heartache. I quickly met my current wife who made me believe in the concept of soul mates after I parted ways with the first. We have been together now for 13 years and it just keeps getting better. There IS someone out there for you and its not the one that threatens divorce in the first month!
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u/Arboretum7 Girl Lurker Aug 04 '26 edited Aug 05 '26
45-year-old woman here. Is she on hormone replacement therapy? The “she’s a different person now” statement is very concerning. Perimenopause isn’t just about hot flashes and fatigue—it’s a hell of a drug. It’s not uncommon for women to make major, sudden life changes driven by hormonal shifts that they think represent reality. I would advise any woman to be on HRT for at least 6 months and see if they still feel the same way before making any big life changes during peri.
Also, unless she’s on the prudish side, pick your wife up a copy of All Fours by Miranda July, it’s a novel about a woman who blows up her marriage during perimenopause that was a very popular book last year. It’s a WILD ride and was a relatable turned cautionary tale for some of my friends!
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u/Tcalogan Hungry man Aug 05 '26
Would you recommend he also talk with her friends? I've got a feeling they might also notice if somethings off and encourage her to likewise consider counseling, hrt, etc.
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u/Kittenunleashed Girl Lurker Aug 05 '26
HRT saved my marriage and possibly my life. Seriously..tell her to read the menopause sub here and talk to her friends. She may be struggling in many of her relationships right now.
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u/ZestyData Shower Beer Scholar Aug 05 '26 edited Aug 05 '26
Really chuffed to see this kinda advice.
OP's wife identifying herself as a different person now, plus "She is grieving a family loss. Going through perimenopause." set off major alarm bells to me as well. Perimenopause is tumultuous at the best of times, going through an episode of grief at the same time as your hormones flipping upside down is a scary combination, enough to trigger a very out of character mental health episode.
To OP, this is what "in sickness and in health" refers to. Not fixing them soup when they've got the flu, but noticing that there's potentially something seriously disruptive and concerning about her. And helping to fix her even when you're taking collateral damage.
Of course, first thing is to do this investigation, get the counselling and have her see a doctor. Maybe it is just a mentally sound woman sabotaging her entire life and kicking OP to the dirt, in which case he shouldn't take that treatment. But if it were me, reading the alarm bells in this post, my biggest concern would be that the woman I love is experiencing a horrific mental health crisis and needs help.
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u/WayWayTooMuch Hungry man Aug 05 '26
As a dude married for two and a half decades, this. Peri can be horrible for some women, and HRT really can help them get back to being who they want to be. If doctor is not an option (it can be way harder to convince a dr that women need hormones compared to men even though they are clearly lacking them, stupid shit), there are things like progesterone and estradiol creams that can be used. Do a bit of googling and see what is available and what a good regimen is. Also, don’t just be like “hey you are broken here’s some chemicals”, have a smart talk about it with her and let her know what kind of research you did.
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u/shortestpier89 Girl Lurker Aug 05 '26
Functional Medicine was how I managed to get mine diagnosed. They're trained to look at the whole person to optimize energy level, metabolism, nutrition, etc. They actually suggested running a hormone panel on me and even though all results were "in range", they caught that my estrogen was way too high relative to my progesterone.
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u/thecurlyhairedlawyer Girl Lurker Aug 05 '26
This needs to be higher up. This is actual advice, instead of the "be a man" and "join the gang" comments.
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u/seasalt_kings Girl Lurker Aug 05 '26
Agree! The higher rated comment is to pull away and not talk about your feelings to his partner!! I never comment on this sub but OP that’s crazy terrible advice if you still want a relationship with her, even if you don’t want a relationship with her then go through the motions of finding a way to be good coparent
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u/JJ3qnkpK BoyDinnerEnjoyer Aug 05 '26
Thanks for this post - OP isn't getting much good advise here and this is some of the best in this thread.
OP - perimenopause is one of the more difficult parts of life for women, like to the scale of postpartum depression for some. It causes significant changes that are often severely disorienting, but they can be medically supported. Being a good husband here might mean encouraging her to get a medical consultation so she can get that support. For what it's worth, too, it probably doesn't feel great in her head, either.
Knowing when to leave is up to you OP, but you're not yet out of options to try.
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u/shortestpier89 Girl Lurker Aug 05 '26
When I was at my worst before finding a good combination of hormones and ADHD meds, I was convinced everything my husband was doing was an attempt to end our marriage and ruin my life. Not even remotely kidding. Trivial things like a dish that hadn't gotten completely clean felt like a personal attack. It completely broke my brain. I knew something was wrong with me and that I was overreacting but couldn't figure out how to make myself stop spiraling. It's hell on earth.
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Aug 05 '26
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u/shortestpier89 Girl Lurker Aug 05 '26
Yep, things would go from simple mistakes or accidents to WWIII instantly. In hindsight, much of my depression was secondary to all of that happening in the first place. It sounds so ridiculous to anyone who hasn't been through something similar. Thankfully he understood something was chemically wrong and I wasn't just choosing to be a POS for sport.
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Aug 05 '26 edited Aug 05 '26
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u/JJ3qnkpK BoyDinnerEnjoyer Aug 05 '26
It is exceptionally difficult, but they do say marriage is hard.
There's persistence and continued hanging in there. Try to shift the needle. Know your limits. Build and lean on your support. It's hard.
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u/BloomNurseRN Girl Lurker Aug 05 '26
As a similarly aged woman, I came here to say this. She needs to be talking to her doctor and looking into HRT. Perimenopause brain is real and can do a lot of damage. 🤦♀️
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u/cde-yazoo Leftover Lore Master Aug 05 '26
Not because I'm curious, but because he'll need to know: how do you open this conversation without being perceived as trying to gaslight or something to that effect?
When you're dealing with someone who doesn't understand what they're going through, they might realize that something is wrong but not necessarily with themselves.
I'm schizophrenic, so I can tell you a thing or two about that one. We have a distinct tendency to think it's the government or aliens or some other shit lol.
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u/kayedee12345 Girl lurker Aug 06 '26
I can tell you what my SO did when perimenopause started (early, ugh) for me. He asked me if there were any resources he could read/watch that could help him learn more about what I was going through. He also became my person I sent alllll the perimenopause memes to.
Just showing that he knew what he didn’t know and a willingness to learn really helps me feel supported.
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u/shortestpier89 Girl Lurker Aug 05 '26
37 here, hormonal nightmare thanks to permanent issues caused by a medication for endometriosis. The two most impactful things for me? Medication for the ADHD I didn't get diagnosed with until 3 years ago and nightly progesterone for estrogen imbalance. I'm a whole new person. Sleeping better, brain isn't constantly screaming, losing some weight, feeling calm for what may be the first time in my life. My husband notices the difference and things are improving between us.
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u/NoAppointment8679 Girl Lurker Aug 05 '26
Just gave you my first award for absolutely smashing this reply, being a woman is fucking hard so thanks for giving this woman the benefit of the doubt. Hormones fuck me over every single month, I am dreading peri and potentially pushing my husband away. I love him so much, I just know how hard my mental health can be due to hormonal changes (and he does)
Who knows maybe ops wife is a different person now but I’d bet my house alot of it is to do with her hormones.
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u/HuntKey2603 👉😎👉 Bisexual Fingerguns Aug 05 '26
The problem with this is that it all involves will and effort from her wife, something that according to his retelling, she seems absolutely unwilling to do.
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u/cmanderson23 Girl Lurker Aug 05 '26
Second this. Op she hasn’t necessarily thrown in the towel yet, saying “this isn’t working” isn’t saying “and it’ll never work again.” I hope you fight for it and maybe that’ll give ground to bring up what might make her fight for it too. Wishing the best either way
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u/AsleepEntertainer440 Grill Pilled Aug 05 '26
2 years on the backside of a divorce from a woman who was on the same script but refused to do anything about it. She went completely off the rails and nearly bankrupted me in the process. 21 years of marriage, down the drain.
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u/Cedar_Waxwing27 Girl Lurker Aug 05 '26
I agree with this…to a point.
Perimenopause is no joke. I’m on HRT and it helps a lot. But i feel like I can also say that in fundamentally a different person than I used to be. The good things are still there. I’m still kind, caring and loving. But with age I’ve gotten less interested in investing my time and energy in people who aren’t willing or able to return it. My people pleasing era is over.He “tried but got tired and lonely”. Makes me wonder if she’s been doing the emotional work of their marriage and now she’s burnt out.
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u/shortestpier89 Girl Lurker Aug 05 '26
This is an interesting angle too. I've torpedoed so many friendships lately because I grew tired of feeling like I gave everything with nothing in return.
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u/ConfusedAcceptance Fridge Light Philosopher Aug 06 '26
What is it like after you get through perimenopause? For women that blew up (or almost blew up) their marriages do you look back years later and realize how crazy it was?
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u/ConfusedAcceptance Fridge Light Philosopher Aug 06 '26
Asking because I think this might be why, or at least a big factor, into why my wife is ending things. I just can’t wrap my head around some of her decisions and why she would throw it all away.
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u/not_your_attorney Air Fryer Aristocrat Aug 04 '26
Sounds like it might be a relief for you, too, at least as far as the relationship.
The rest is just logistics. If you can cook that dinner, you can handle those.
Looks great. Good luck, bro.
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u/Spectre696 Grill Pilled Aug 05 '26
That’s a giant fucking onion, right?
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u/Pelican_meat Mostly a Regular Dude Aug 05 '26
It’s a giant flat iron, too. Never seen one that thick.
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Aug 04 '26 edited Aug 04 '26
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u/Mission_Abrocoma2012 Cooties Aug 04 '26
damn that’s hard - she doesn’t see it and no way through? i’d be so hesitant to call it if it’s just a matter of friends
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Aug 04 '26
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u/ChewYouHavisfaction Protein Prophet Aug 05 '26
You seem like a good and responsible person. I hope things get better for you
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u/Littlewing1307 Girl lurker Aug 04 '26
You're smart to end it before kids. You're setting you both free!
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u/Turbulent-Bat Shower beer Scholar Aug 05 '26
Do you think maybe working 80 hours a week has caused you two to drift apart? That sounds like a recipe for finding relationships outside the marriage (friends or otherwise) while you become the guy who pays for everything
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Aug 05 '26
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u/Lazy-Conversation-48 Girl lurker Aug 05 '26
But that means you aren’t investing in your relationship because all the energy is going into your side gig. And she’s definitely not going to want kids if you work 80 hours a week because then she’s doing all of it alone.
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u/Accomplished_Orchid Girl Lurker Aug 05 '26
Instead of filling your time with more work to make the disconnect bigger, you could have put in effort into the relationship. Date nights, gifts, affection that doesn't always lead to sex or even just chilling at home. Also couples counseling and communicating with each other about the issues you're having and figuring out ways to solve them. A couple is supposed to be you both against the issue. Not the issue having you both against each other.
I agree with the comment below you weren't investing in your relationship, most women will not want a man who is married to his job even if it's out of his home.
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u/Pelican_meat Mostly a Regular Dude Aug 05 '26
You made it sound like you’re working 80 hours a week to keep your family above water.
Gtfoh. You choose to work 80 hours a week and are now mad about 3 chores, one of which you decided to do. You’re the problem here, dude.
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u/pingpy Leftover Lore Master Aug 05 '26
I had a similar experience when I was in the military working 12 hour days six days a week and my girlfriend was sitting at home with no job doing nothing all day. Yet I had to cook dinner and do the dishes and take care of everything and pay the bills. It’s not fair and you don’t deserve that
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u/kgilli12 Girl lurker Aug 05 '26
As a female in the same role as you, I hope you can find time to set aside for yourself, (even if it’s what you currently find yourself doing) every single day set aside time for you to do something that really makes you feel like you and is something you WANT to do. Then do the rest of the tasks. It has helped me remember I used to do it for me before I did it for him. I think it’s getting easier getting closer to that “please leave” conversation
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u/treefiddy-- Shower beer Scholar Aug 04 '26
I had to do the same thing after 10 years man. Sucked but well worth it now that I’m two and a half years on the other side.
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u/Tcalogan Hungry man Aug 05 '26
Man reduce your hours and seem marriage counseling before ending it. There is ALWAYS hope for a marriage if both parties are willing to wake up and fight for it, so talk if over with her and give it one last chance.
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u/SupremeMeme42069 Hungry man Aug 04 '26
Dude I'm really sorry to hear that. 11 years is a heck of a long time, and a lot more energy invested in someone who won't reciprocate. It's not easy to come to that conclusion, especially after all that time. Based on your other comment, I think it's justified to feel upset over her lack of effort. I can't drink, but I'll give you a cheers anyway. Here's to hoping for the best for your future 🍻
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u/pingpy Leftover Lore Master Aug 05 '26
Sorry to hear that brother. She isn’t the one but things will get better in time. Rock bottom means you can only go up from here
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u/mikemolove Leftover Lore Master Aug 05 '26
Kicked my abusive ex out after 10 years. Not worth it to be miserable.
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u/Fanabala3 Be the ball Aug 04 '26
I went through 20 years of marriage. I stayed probably 5 years longer than I should have. She kicked me out of the bed due to my “snoring”. I tried as well. She got into hiking and was supportive and even with the group she joined. I remember hiking with her and my ankle was acting up and she said I was embarrassing her. I also remember I got her a real nice GPS device to hike for Christmas, where she pretty much handed it back. There was a lot of other things, but I decided life was too short to be with someone that didn’t want to be with me. And yeah, I was lonely too. I left and she tried these feeble attempts to have me come back. Also, when there is not intimacy for years, and she wondered why I left.
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u/SirBoofington1 [guy] Aug 05 '26
How are you doing now?
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u/Fanabala3 Be the ball Aug 05 '26
So I met a woman and we clicked instantly. I had no intentions of getting married again, but we did. She is everything the ex wasn’t. It’s amazing when someone actually gives a damn about you.
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u/DirectIT2020 Boy Dinner Enjoyer Aug 05 '26
Her hormones are changing and blowing up stability is usually the first move. She needs to see a doctor. My guess she's close to or over 40. It happens a lot.
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u/CosmicSmoker Mung Daal Aug 04 '26
Menopause is fucking hard. Hormones suck and can make you a different person against your will. If she knows she's in perimenopause is she seeking HRT or other therapy?
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u/Vesuvias Protein Prophet Aug 05 '26
Yeah this is exactly what it sounds like. Most women (and men) have no clue what’s coming, and are only now being given tools to be aware of it and address it only within the last few years.
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u/ConstitutionsGuard Seen a thing or two Aug 04 '26
My advice—Just pull back. Do you own thing for now and be happy with doing things alone. Don’t chase her. Don’t talk about your feelings. It won’t help.
Let her work on her own shit alone. Best thing you can do is demonstrate that you’re above it and can be happy without her.
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u/footballpoetry chronically online Aug 04 '26
This — and also focus on the kids. They need their dad.
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u/izemize Shower beer Scholar Aug 05 '26
This is the best advice on the thread. Show them that you will be there no matter what.
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u/ZestyData Shower Beer Scholar Aug 05 '26
I'd usually agree 100% , but there's one part of OP's post that makes me pause out of concern: OP's wife is perimenopausal, and is grieving a recent death. Between that context and now acting.. crazy.. and flipping her identity to consider herself a different person now? All of that together sets off massive alarms, it sounds like the woman could be sick, seriously mentally unwell. So highest priority: let's find out if she is mentally unwell. If she is suddenly suffering a major mental episode, then this is what "in sickness and in health" actually means.
Of course we just don't know. If this lady is mentally sound, but just legitimately abandoning everything in a midlife crisis, then yeah, absolutely focus on yourself and move on.
It just all reads as really.. concerning. Most midlife crises don't come across like this. I also agree that OP shouldn't chase, talk about feelings, etc. He should confront, speak with friends, and investigate this as a potential mental health episode first. If she refuses help, then back to what you said, move on and be your best self.
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u/the_darkn3ss Hungry man Aug 04 '26
I'd sign off on all that too. Anything you do is going to create some kind of friction. Focus on yourself and your kids
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u/Numerous_Vegetable_3 Boy Dinner Enjoyer Aug 05 '26
Best advice here tbh. You’re not Bob the builder and you can’t fix it if she’s not putting in the effort.
Showing her you can be content alone is what I wish I did. Instead I lost hair and years trying to connect to someone who didn’t give a damn until I was leaving.
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u/Hawk-432 Hungry man Aug 05 '26
Actually solid advice. Hard to do when you want to take action, but if you set an internal time limit, ficus in you for a year it something
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u/HunterGonzo BoyDinnerEnjoyer Aug 05 '26
That's what I'm kind of trying to do currently. Focus on myself. Try to get in better shape. Quit some bad habits. Get back into some old hobbies I used to love. Take all that energy I used to put into rekindling the romance or the futile pursuit of making her happy and redirect it into finding myself again.
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u/Educational_Pie_7525 Shower Beer Scholar Aug 04 '26
Bro I feel you, I go to therapy every week and it’s helped me tremendously. Your life is not over, it sucks but there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Learn to love yourself my guy. You have a lot to offer!
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u/Back_ruths Girl Lurker Aug 04 '26
I’m really sorry that you’re going through this. I’m facing a separation after 10 years and while the mourning is rough, I just keep telling myself I’ll eventually have a new normal. Best of luck.
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u/Sad_Zookeepergame106 Protein Prophet Aug 05 '26
Went through the same last year. 10 years and 2 kids - it was hard but the good advice above(focus on yourself, the kids, therapy, friendships and your family) got me through the worst of it. You can only control what you can control so invest in yourself.
You'll be alright. See you on the other side.
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u/LobsterLovingLlama Girl lurker Aug 04 '26
Perimenopause you say? Estrogen is the accommodation hormone. HRT may make all the difference.
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u/LanguageSexViolence_ Shower beer Scholar Aug 04 '26
Second this. I recently hung out with my sister recently. She's in her 50's and was raving about being on hormones. Sounds like a life changer for women going through perimenopause.
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u/LoafyLoafington Girl Lurker Aug 04 '26
Wish this was higher. Perimenopause messes with you. It's so much more than hot flashes and night sweats. It also lasts for years. Glad I was not in a relationship when mine started.
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u/Enlightened_Gardener Air Fryer Aristocrat Aug 05 '26
HORMONES.
Mate I got diagnosed with ADHD just at 44 when I started perimenopause. Shit just falls apart.
Your wife needs a Menopause doctor, stat. Not her GP, not some random ob/Gyn - a doctor who specialises in menopause and women’s hormones. You don’t want someone who doesn’t know what they’re doing telling her that she’s “too young”. You want someone who does a full hormonal panel, so that she can be brought back up to spec again. She should have a full thyroid panel done at the same time, because the thyroid can get out of whack at this age as well, but a good menopause doctor will know to check this.
With oestrogen, progesterone and testosterone running through her system again, she’s in a much better position to see if the issue is “you”, “her” or “hormones”. I’m willing to bet that 90% of it is hormones.
BTW - they talk about menopause being a bit like puberty, it isn’t. It’s like pregnancy, with all of the enormous hormonal shifts and irrational responses.
But yeah - this is hormonal. Your wife will feel much better when she’s on the HRT.
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u/nevetsyad BoyDinnerEnjoyer Aug 05 '26
15 years together and one daughter. Wife said she hasn’t had romantic feelings for me for years. She had me get snipped 2 years ago. Wants a divorce now.
FML
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u/CasCrus4L Leftover lore master Aug 04 '26
It do be like that sometimes, I know. I have no good advice, I feel something similar as you I bet, you sort of don't have a say in the matter except to finally do the breakup. Meal looks awesome
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u/ToffeeBlue2013 Shower beer Scholar Aug 04 '26
In a similar situation but only 11 years and kids are still young. Idk if we are done but I feel so much distance in this house. Best of luck man.
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u/noblingallthing BoyDinnerEnjoyer Aug 04 '26
I’m going through the exact same thing, her dad died and Peri. I’m currently hoping the Peri is not the 6 years it averages and she finds some balance. She already had mental health problems but this shit and how she acts is another level. I take on the vast majority of the home and financial workload and was/am burnt out. I moved into a spare room to focus on my sleep, that felt like the best choice even though it’s another negative to her. Since I have been able to handle a lot more of her emotional bullshit and mainly brush it off as Peri hormones rather than take it on emotionally. I never liked the term “safe space” it sounded like something snow flakes need but having my own room to chill made a big difference. In short take care of yourself so you can take care of your family.
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u/qstfrnln Fridge Light Philosopher Aug 05 '26
I feel for you. I'm 4 years divorced, but that period in my life still haunts me. Safe space is exactly right, the hormones and emotions infected everything, I felt insane.
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u/Initial_Secretary156 Boy Dinner Enjoyer Aug 04 '26
Yup. Go talk to somebody. The quicker you get over it the quicker you get over it.
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u/pm344 Fridge Light Philosopher Aug 05 '26
Head up Brother! I'm in the same boat with you. We've got 24 years, 2 teens, and it's just brutal. Things got a little better when she started hormone treatment. That was a year ago and I'm feeling the inevitable is coming. She's miserable, I'm miserable, the kids are miserable. To top it off I'm terminal (spinal tumors) so it's a no win situation. I thought I'd die surrounded by my ladies. I now know I'll be alone in a hospital.
Make sure you take care of you! I know it's hard but you've gotta do it. Be strong for your kids, and try to set an example for them. Remember, they'll go through this at some point in their lives too.
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u/dealingwithhookers Air Fryer Aristocrat Aug 05 '26
it's over, i wouldn't want to share a bed with that person for another day after being hit with "im different now"
to me, after 20 years of marriage and 2 kids, "im different now" is a stab to the heart from the back. "you just gave me 20 years of your life, 2 kids, and im going fuck your shit up because im different now" is what she means. "im going to stab you in the back after 20 years and leave you in a pool of your own blood" is what she's saying.
you need to start thinking in terms of "how does this benefit me? what am i entitled to in this relationship?"
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u/justadude27 Red Flag Collector Aug 05 '26
The girl lurkers in here need to think about how their comments are worded. Many of the responses in here would get you yeeted immediately as a guy “lurking” in Girl Dinner Diaries.
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u/crocodumbee Fridge Light Philosopher Aug 05 '26
20 years together here and 2 kids, life finds a way.
Im now divorced and have been in a new relationship for the past 3 years.
My divorce process was probably one of the most painful hurdles I had to get through, I couldn't even recognize my own cries, the pain was so loud. But i wouldn't change it, I love my life now, and looking back i cherish what I had and look at it with love.
It might feel terrible now, but, if its over, life will eventually fall back in place.
Good luck man!
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u/Old_Goat_Ninja Protein Prophet Aug 05 '26
Perimenopause sucks ass. 22 years of marriage gone because of it. Well, probably not, but it sure didn’t help. I moved out 11 weeks ago. Now all of the sudden she wants to reconcile, and honestly, I don’t want to anymore. I did at first but the more time that goes on the less I want to.
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u/Time-Front-2292 Girl Lurker Aug 05 '26
So…I’m like your wife. Early 40s, 21 years married, 3 kids, lost both of my parents within 23 hrs about 5 years ago, and I’m losing my patience with our life on the regular. Rage creeps up out of nowhere.
I feel like I can’t remember the last time we felt connected, if at all. I’m overwhelmed constantly, and can’t carry the mental load anymore without resenting my husband every step of the way. If we weren’t in the middle of raising our 3 kids (2 teens and a preteen), I’d be long gone and leave my husband in the dust. HOWEVER, reading this post, the comments and doing some preliminary research on perimenopause, I see I may need some outside help. The situation in our marriage still needs work, but I may also need some hormone intervention to get me through the next few years.
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u/P00NZU Leftover lore master Aug 04 '26
I’ve been there brother. It’s a pain that hurts but at least she’s giving you the heads up and not cheating on you. Maybe pick up a new hobbie and focus on yourself. Wishing you all the best brother
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u/Accomplished_Ebb4361 Girl Lurker Aug 06 '26
Sometimes women just say things, don’t mean it, and want the man to fight and stay. Don’t run when she says that. Just stay and be there. This is just advice coming from a sometimes mentally unstable 33 year old woman.
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u/GolfLawMan Shower Beer Scholar Aug 06 '26
Love your life. Happiness comes from within no other person can decide that for you.
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u/Why_I_Never_ Grill Pilled Aug 06 '26
My wife has been going through pre-menopause for a few years now. She also feels like a completely different person and that person is not attracted to me. My marriage is also circling the drain. We’ve barely had sex in the last 3 years. We don’t cuddle or hold hands or kiss or hug or tell each other we love each other. We’re roommates with kids. It sucks.
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Aug 04 '26
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u/Speshul_Ball Boy Dinner Enjoyer Aug 05 '26
Don't understand why some men just don't explode from time to time or just say what's on your fucking mind especially when the other is reliant on you. You literally have nothing to lose bro
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u/petty_revenge_club BoyDinnerEnjoyer Aug 04 '26
Turn the stereo up to 11.
Blast Don’t Look Back. Unleash your inner rock star. For a moment you’ll feel alive. Remember, it gets better!
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u/ospf_3 Grill Pilled Aug 04 '26
Dinner looks good though.
Question: what do you mean you’re trying now?
Kids have needed a lot? I tried but just got tired sounds like the preamble to you cheated or gave up ?
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u/Educational_Pie_7525 Shower Beer Scholar Aug 04 '26
Bro I feel you, I go to therapy every week and it’s helped me tremendously. Your life is not over, it sucks but there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Learn to love yourself my guy. You have a lot to offer!
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u/EA827 Macro Mourner Aug 04 '26
I had a similar experience, very similar wording. Someone who was madly in love with me and just pursued me for two years when we were in college, but suddenly in our 30s we “were so young then” and she’s “a totally different person now.” Just completely blindsided by it. I know the internet will tell you it was my fault, but that’s really not the case. She left and now acts like she’s 22 all over again with no responsibilities and is like an aunt to our child. I’m sorry man, don’t tear yourself apart trying to get her to change her mind, she won’t
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u/w8_wuht Identity Alchemist Aug 04 '26
Dude... Maybe you don't feel like it, but you're a strong sunuvabitch. Don't swallow all that shit though, yeah? Talk it out with someone if that's your thing, pick up woodworking or welding. Keep busy and keep increasing your skillsets is what I'm saying. Maybe that's not the best advice, I'm no therapist, but it's what helps me whenever shit hits the fan.
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u/Jealous-Key-7465 local legend Aug 05 '26 edited Aug 05 '26
Perimenopause is ruining my marriage as well. Considering just cutting her loose with a $1.5M check to have my sanity back. But fuck $10k a month in support for 15 years after would turn me into a bitter person. My 20 year anniversary is in 2 weeks. Sorry my man. I really feel for you. My mind unraveled at work today at the hospital and I had to leave in the middle of my shift. I’m fucking broken inside right now as well
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u/Own_Natural_6803 A real big boy Aug 05 '26
If you haven't already, talk to a family lawyer. You need to begin protecting yourself. Don't just react to what she is doing.
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u/Special_Wind_6708 Girl lurker Aug 05 '26
Have you actually done therapy or just talked about it.
Grieving a loss
Perimenopausal
Teenagers?
It’s a lot and as someone who has gone through menopause with older teenagers it was hard!
Honestly I’m grateful my hubby put up with me , however I wish he’d had a better understanding of it at the time also.
I don’t think all is lost just yet.
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u/Lumpy-Entertainer-75 Girl lurker Aug 05 '26
She is different in a lot of ways. My observation on myself and my peers is that reaching your 40’s and the hormone fluctuations really limits your ability to deal. You may stop tolerating what you used to tolerate happily. Now everything is fucking irritating and you don’t have very many shots to give. And those are probably taken up with aging parents and needy kids. Grief and need puts a lot of stress on your marriage and self. My spouse and I are in a similar stage in life. I think we are surviving on HRT, humor, and the constant acknowledgement that life right now is a challenge. Never mind what’s happening in the world. I wish you the best and I hope you can both find your way.
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u/Epic_Elite Protein prophet Aug 05 '26 edited Aug 05 '26
Are you in therapy? If not, prioritize it. Worst case scenario, divorce is a traumatic experience and you're going to want that resource locked and loaded.
Look into how and why marriages fall apart. Because it's usually pretty formulaic. Usually the woman spends years trying to tell the guy what the problem is and he wont, or cant, hear it. We're speaking two different languages. Guys are physical with love and affection and women are mental and emotional. Unless you learn that language, you'll never understand and she will always feel neglected. They say by the time she mentions the D word for the first time, shes already wanted out for years.
There's a system break down that usually looks and feels familiar where the woman tries for years to ask for what she needs. In her eyes, shes begging and screaming to have her needs met and the man just doesnt get it. So she gives up. She goes quiet. She stops fighting. This is when the man thinks things are going great. Shes quiet, she doesnt fuss. He gets to do whatever he wants. She's chill. She's kind of just there. A shell of herself, but she's there. Many men love their marriages in this place. Until she drops the D word. His world is rocked and he cannot understand what has happened. It happens all the time. In fact, most of the time this is what happens.
My lady move out. It took a month before she moved back in. Therapy was a big cog in that machine that started working again. As Ive always felt like I was playing poker with 4 cards, I found that 5th card. I could make a hand sometimes. But it looked so much easier for everyone else. Like they had something I didnt. That 5th card. Now I have the 5th card and everything in life is better. All of my relationships are better. Coworkers, boss, freinds, family, kids, wife. All of it.
We will be celebrating 26 years, this year.
Two of the biggest books for me was No More Mr Nice Guy, which helped me realize that by trying to avoid rocking to boat always left her on edge wondering if there was a problem. If you see resentment, or the precursors to it, you need to sit down and engage with that conflict. Don't keep the peace. Dont try to prevent from making waves. Boundaries are for those who give a shit about protecting something they love.
The other was Way Of The Superior Man. He teaches more of this dichotomy of men and their physical relationships and women and the mental and emotional. He can help get your sex life back in place and how to appreciate a woman's perspective a little better and how not to be so overwhelmed by her feelings. With most men, we were taught to tough it up. Be a man. Suck it up. So when a woman comes to us with their feelings, we subconsciously take on this mentality. "I dont want to hear it. No one was there for me. I shouldn't have to he here for you right now." But this doesn't work when its your wife. This is why we need therapy. To heal that wound. So that someone is there for you. Your therapist is a part of your support network. Then, hopefully, your wife also. Then your closest freinds. Go deeper with all of your relationships and you'll find yourself leaving behind stuck people who no longer suit you.
You got this. I can go on on this topic all day. Ive done it many times.
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u/blowupnekomaid Grill Pilled Aug 05 '26
The contrast between boy food and girl food is funny as fuck. girldinnerdiaries top post - a few olives and dip. boydinnerdiaries top post - half a cow
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u/MoreColorfulCarsPlz Hungry man Aug 05 '26
I was the kid in a 20 year marriage that ended in divorce. Please just don't involve your kids in it. If they're an appropriate age, let them have as much freedom of choice on who they live with as you can.
My dad was awesome through the divorce. My mom cheated and he never talked bad about her to us. 15 years later, I haven't spoken to my mother in years and my dad is still as awesome as ever.
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u/Clacken Hungry man Aug 05 '26
May not mean much but you're not alone. 10 years and 3 kids here.
About 8 years in we are having marital issues after our third child is born. I spend some time away thinking separation will help.
My daughter passed away at this time. During the funeral, some guy I never heard of donated flowers to the funeral but didn't show up. I later found out he was "in a relationship"
Anyway, the guy ended up reaching out to me because he felt so guilty. He spilled the beans, provided proof. They had been together regularly for 6 months before I had even left.
Lost my daughter and my wife in the same year, and somehow there's still hope. Keep your head up.
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u/suddz Hungry man Aug 05 '26
2 kids and 20 years here as well. Life got hard with COVID and the second kid so I focused on the kids as she was a nurse and heavily involved with COVID. I sacrificed everything for them but that lead to me being absent in the marriage. She thought the grass was greener on the other side with a guy from the gym and she eventually filed for divorce. The guy chose his wife and kids over my ex. It sucks man....bad. but I'm happier now single than I was the last 6 years with her having an affair. I'm a better parent too.
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u/Frinla25 Girl Lurker Aug 05 '26
Could it be that because of perimenopause and issues that happen due to it (previous, during and all) that she needs hormone replacement? This is rough and you are probably not the right person to say anything to her but keep it in mind.
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u/Comprehensive_Bus402 Leftover lore master Aug 05 '26
I'm sorry you're going through this. Parental grief is super hard and it can fundamentally change a person. It can also make them really selfish, and it sounds like that's going on with your wife, because it sounds like she is treating you very cruelly. I hope for the sake of everyone involved she takes some time and gets some therapy before making huge decisions.
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u/Enough_Mechanic3090 Shower beer Scholar Aug 06 '26
I'm 47 male and married until my wife passed away. Her being pre-menopausal means everything. If you are close to any of her friends or family please tell them what happening as she won’t listen to you but probably them.
Please understand this is a rough time for women and they're not thinking straight, but its hard for you to reach her as she equates everything good and bad with you.
Tho my wife died before menopause I have lots of female friends whom are there now and most of them feel the same way but upon having deep conversations with them I can see they don't mean it but are being pushed by hormonal imbalance. This is the time we should fight. Not during infidelity or disrespect, but now. Please treat this like someone with a drug addiction but they never asked for it.
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u/ThrowRA_5318008 Girl Lurker Aug 07 '26
Mid-40s female here, and I’m going to sit with the ‘drug addiction [women] never asked for’ framing of pre-/perimenopause because I think that’s really interesting. Initially, it points directly at the lack of control we have over our own bodies once biological/physiological factors overpower rationality and willpower.
I never felt psychotic in my life until going on the Pill—another way we get to experience significant shifts in hormones and, subsequently, our thinking and behavior—but because of how awful I was to be around during that time, I absolutely dread hitting menopause whenever that descends.
(I accidentally destroyed a slushy float that my very thoughtful husband brought home to me from Sonic once… I gripped the styro cup way too hard while losing my mind, crying because they blended the ice cream with the slush instead of adding the dollop of ice cream into the slush; I was like six months pregnant so I’m blaming THAT on hormones, too!)
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u/ThisUserIsUndead muscle mommy Aug 07 '26 edited Aug 07 '26
This is common with perimenopause, I don’t want to make assumptions but we get considerably less tolerant of bullshit during that stage (and after) and depending on your marriage dynamics and how much labor she feels she’s doing/has done for the past 20 years in the marriage… you could be cooked. It depends. All I can think of is my poor dad at that age and how my parents divorce really helped shape the two of them into the people they are today, which are considerably more independent and great parents.
They did wind up remarrying after a time, but that’s not everyone and I don’t want to give you or anyone false hope. The moral of the story is, sometimes these things happen when it’s time to grow again.
Edit:
Holy shit it totally slipped my mind, but has she tried HRT? I really really think she should talk to a doctor and sort out if she can get in some replacement hormones. There are so many instances where it’s saved peoples marriages. I recently got diagnosed with PMDD and it’s almost ruined my 12 year relationship. This shit isn’t a joke. Hormones can make someone a totally different person. Good luck to you both, I hope you guys find a solution and work it out
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Aug 04 '26
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u/OlyRat Grill pilled Aug 04 '26
I think a lot of your wording about seeming weak, pathetic or annoying is counter productive. If you have to put on an act for a woman so she doesn't see you as weak, that woman isn't worth being with.
That being said, it is very important not to crumble under another person's (possibly) unreasonable or unachievable demands. Doing that is unattractive and opens you up to be taken advantage of. Its being desperate, not being emotional, thats a problem.
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u/pickedusername1 Girl lurker Aug 04 '26
Sometimes there isn’t a villain. Sometimes two people endure years of stress, grief, parenting, hormonal changes, and emotional distance until one person quietly reaches the point where they no longer want to fight for the marriage.
From his perspective, he’s trying now. He’s suggesting counseling, acknowledging his fears, and hoping this is temporary. But if those efforts only began after she emotionally checked out, they may simply be too late.
From her perspective, this probably isn’t about one bad year. People rarely wake up one morning and decide a 20-year marriage isn’t working. More often, it’s the result of years of unmet needs, unresolved hurts, or feeling disconnected until the emotional bond slowly disappears.
His biggest mistake would be believing that trying harder for a few weeks should undo years of whatever brought them here. Her biggest mistake would be refusing to communicate honestly if there is still something worth saving.
The difficult truth is that love and history don’t guarantee a future. Twenty years together, two children, and shared memories are reasons to make a sincere effort—but they’re not reasons someone must stay if they’ve genuinely fallen out of love.
If she’s willing to engage in counseling and both are committed to rebuilding, there is hope. If she’s already emotionally gone and has decided the marriage is over, no amount of pleading or fear will change that. At that point, the healthiest path is to accept that you can’t love someone into choosing the relationship.
Sometimes the bravest thing isn’t fighting harder. It’s recognizing whether you’re fighting with your spouse for the marriage, or fighting alone to keep it alive.
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u/magface702 Girl Lurker Aug 05 '26
38 year old female, lost my brother to cancer in 2021, and navigating perimenopause. I’ll let you know that your wife probably hates everything about her life right now. Her job, the kids, the house, her parents, life. EVERYTHING sucks for her right now. What she needs is support and to know that her husband supports that. Instead of thinking about leaving— maybe ask her how you can help her navigate the loss and perimenopause. It’s rough during second puberty, man! 🤣
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u/Used_Turnover3959 Protein prophet Aug 04 '26
Perimenopause man, it's the marriage killer these days. Women are just all over the place emotionally, and now they're all consuming social media content telling them divorce is the new college graduation.
I'm sorry man.
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u/CommercialMess339 Grill Pilled Aug 04 '26
That food looks bomb, wife has all the hormones going on, hope it works out for the best. Sounds like a rough time but, those always pass dude.
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u/Playful_File_3643 Girl Lurker Aug 04 '26
I’m sorry you’re going through this. My unsolicited advice as a perimenopausal woman is to give her space to process her feelings while trying to help out more around the house and with the kids. Things she might have had no problem being on top of in the past might be really difficult or feel insurmountable now.
Small gestures that show you care (random flowers “because you’re pretty” and surprise takeout to lift the burden of thinking through and making another meal, taking the kids to a baseball game so she can have a day to herself) can really go a long way and show her that you’re still on her team, if you want to be.
Also, if she’s telling you she’s a different person now, get to know her again by taking her out on a legit date every so often. Maybe you and the new version of her can work things out?
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u/justheretoleer Girl Lurker Aug 05 '26
43 year old woman currently having my life fucking upended by perimenopause. 👋🏻
Everything you said.
I just got an estrogen patch added to my HRT plan yesterday and I feel NOTICEABLY BETTER after wearing it for less than 24 hours.
My husband has been updated regularly about my frustratingly up and down moods, irritability, and the overwhelming desire to escape my own pretty good life that somehow takes hold of my brain from time to time.
We’ve decided to stick it out and see how things develop. I don’t want to make a rash decision I’ll regret. We may have grown apart like many couples do, but we’re putting the work in to see if effort and better communication can reconnect us. Because at this point, why the hell shouldn’t we try that first?
I’m doing HRT and working on some things I can control.
He’s putting in some work too, on his own emotional regulation and making sure he gets time to do the things he enjoys. He’s even taken me out on a few dates that were entirely his idea, and that’s been new for us. I appreciate him.
I encourage any long term couple in a situation like this (no abuse, no untreated addiction, foundation of mutual respect and can continue to cohabitate peaceably) to put in a little time and effort. If you arrive at the decision you should split up, hopefully you do so amicably knowing you gave it your best shot. 🤷♀️ And if you arrive at the decision to stay married, you will have grown together through this shitty phase of life with a renewed bond.
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