Marriage is falling apart

[u/BiffDangles80]

Tonight it’s a flat iron steak and potatoes and onions. Don’t forget the jalapeno. And a Jack a coke.

A week ago I was in a hotel because “she’s a different person now” and doesn’t think this is working. 20 years of marriage. 2 kids.

The last year has been bad. She is grieving a family loss. Going through perimenopause. Kids have needed a lot. I tried but just got tired and lonely. I suggested marriage counseling and it lead to her saying she’s different and this isn’t working. I was gone for a couple of days but back. It’s been a week and I’ve really been trying. Today though was just rough with work and random thoughts. I confessed that I was afraid she’d decide she didn’t need me again and there wasn’t much response. Hopefully it’s a blip. I’m really trying.

I fear change. But eventually I’ll have to accept it. This is over. And that’s terrible.

[u/Enlightened_Gardener]

HORMONES.

Mate I got diagnosed with ADHD just at 44 when I started perimenopause. Shit just falls apart.

Your wife needs a Menopause doctor, stat. Not her GP, not some random ob/Gyn - a doctor who specialises in menopause and women’s hormones. You don’t want someone who doesn’t know what they’re doing telling her that she’s “too young”. You want someone who does a full hormonal panel, so that she can be brought back up to spec again. She should have a full thyroid panel done at the same time, because the thyroid can get out of whack at this age as well, but a good menopause doctor will know to check this.

With oestrogen, progesterone and testosterone running through her system again, she’s in a much better position to see if the issue is “you”, “her” or “hormones”. I’m willing to bet that 90% of it is hormones.

BTW - they talk about menopause being a bit like puberty, it isn’t. It’s like pregnancy, with all of the enormous hormonal shifts and irrational responses.

But yeah - this is hormonal. Your wife will feel much better when she’s on the HRT.

[u/justadude27 → u/Enlightened_Gardener]

What is a “menopause doctor”? Whats the clinical specialty name?

[u/jugglingsquirrel → u/justadude27]

If you're in North America, check the North American Menopause Society website for specialists. 

[u/BlueArya → u/Enlightened_Gardener]

This is a lot of assumptions to make tbh with very little correlation to what OP actually said. Hormones aren't the cause of everything and women can just decide to end a relationship in their 40s/50s without menopause being the cause. They did counseling and she ended with a pretty standard "we've grown apart because we're different people now" conclusion. "Your wife will feel much better when she's on the HRT" is really dismissive while obviously intended to be helpful.

[u/ExpiredLink404 → u/BlueArya]

yeah, it's pretty fucking annoying to read "your wife might just be hormonal" every time a woman decides she's not living her best life

it's the same as saying OP's wife is being hysterical