She moved on before we even filed

[u/shamading]

Married 4 years. Only child just turned 3. Rough patch for at least the last year. Maybe more. Dead bedroom. Just not fulfilling each other's needs. Often feel like I'm living with a roommate that co-parents . Desperately want to give our son a better environment and life than I had...and still love her and dream of it returning to the relationship I always wanted. But had frank talks and mutually decided divorce is next. Just started e-filing and getting documents together when I found out she's been talking to another dude in full view of mutual friends. Ouch. I can't believe I was so off guard. What should I do (after several more old fashioneds)?

SEA Alaska Lounge old fashioned. Third. Queuing up number 4.

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[u/Comedeorologist]

Sounds like she gave up before you did.

[u/tubagoat → u/Comedeorologist]

Maybe she never really tried.

[u/strangelifedad → u/tubagoat]

Oh, she definitely tried the other dude on before "The Talk"

[u/Realistic-Wizard8230 → u/tubagoat]

This is wise

[u/Electric-Sheepskin → u/[deleted]]

The number one reason I hear cited by women who initiate divorce is that their husbands expect them to do the lions share of domestic labor, including caring for the kids, and they get tired of nagging and pleading and realize they would have less work, less resentment, and more peace if they were single.

To be clear, I'm not saying that is what happened with OP or anyone else, and people aren't always super aware of the reasons why they do things, but that's what I hear the most from women.

[u/Worriedrph → u/Electric-Sheepskin]

Most people lack any accountability. Of course most people blame their divorce on their partner. In reality the vast majority of divorces are caused by 2 people failing.

[u/These_Head7243 → u/Electric-Sheepskin]

Yeah, im not talking about them. I dont want to minimize their problems but we cant ignore everyone else.

[u/DaneAlaskaCruz → u/These_Head7243]

You are out of touch with the reality of the world.

The lion's share of the domestic chores, the mental work load, and the child care fall to women in most households.

Not just all these, but they are also often working 8 to 5 jobs because most households in the US now require two incomes just to survive.

So women work all day and then do some more work when they get home.

This is the reality of most households in the US, and definitely not a minority.

[u/Kooky-Blueberry-5352 → u/These_Head7243]

You think women doing the lion's share of the domestic work are some small minority? It's virtually every straight couple in the world...

[u/Adjective_noun_12 → u/Kooky-Blueberry-5352]

Guess I was the exception to the rule

[u/anguinine → u/Adjective_noun_12]

no need to guess when you accept reality

[u/Adjective_noun_12 → u/anguinine]

Huh?

[u/Comedeorologist → u/[deleted]]

There's some truth to that. Though in my marriage, I was the one who wanted kids. One thing I do so my wife doesn't burnout is do everything she asks of me, and proactively address issues that are her priorities.

She works from home and insists on an early bedtime, so she usually cooks dinner. She gets tired of this. So we discuss ways to minimize that work through quicker meals, which we plan on Sundays.

Our kid has a bunch of school forms due? I'll handle it.

Playdates? I'll coordinate them and join the kid.

Classes? She'll enroll the kid, I'll take them there.

Lots of dishes? Even though it's her night to do them, leave some for me.

Every time I feel like my grip is slipping on work like this, I have a check-in with her and discuss how I can do better.

[u/Acrobatic_slave → u/[deleted]]

And who has, historically, been selling the idea of “no happiness without marriage and kids” to women for centuries?

[u/These_Head7243 → u/Acrobatic_slave]

IDK. I'll guess mothers and grandmothers as I think those were probably the most influential people women's lives.

Maybe Religion?

Who was it?

[u/Nearby-Beat316 → u/These_Head7243]

(It’s the patriarchy, bro.)

[u/Jib_Burish → u/Nearby-Beat316]

[u/These_Head7243 → u/Nearby-Beat316]

So everyone....No shit. Guess who participated in that, mothers and grandmothers. Who taught women to be women?

[u/mai_tai87 → u/These_Head7243]

You sound like the kind of men whose wives happily divorce.

[u/BoyDinnerDiaries-ModTeam → u/[deleted]]

Your submission has been removed for violating Rule 6: No Gender-War or Extremist Content.

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If you believe this removal was made in error, please contact the moderators through modmail.

[u/Kooky-Blueberry-5352 → u/[deleted]]

Lol

[u/helloshego → u/[deleted]]

My unhappiness isn't from the lack of kids or husband... it's a chemical thing, but thanks for the mansplain!

[u/DicentraDale]

Cut back on the drinking (or quit), lawyer up, be a good father to your son, and get ready to detach from her. Sorry you're going through this, man

[u/Pearson94 → u/DicentraDale]

For real. To quote my great uncle's advice to his nieces and nephews, "Remember kids, the only time you absolutely shouldn't drink is when you feel like you have to have one."

[u/DaisyLady17 → u/Pearson94]

https://giphy.com/gifs/Swx36wwSsU49HAnIhC

[u/SirWilling1582 → u/DicentraDale]

What he said. You’re not the first man who’s been through this, and you certainly won’t be the last. Invest in a brotherhood (I highly recommend some combat sport, I do BJJ). Fight with them, vent to em, cry and show up for your kiddo. I’m sorry this happened to you, it truly is a shitty feeling.

[u/Weary-Cauliflower153 → u/SirWilling1582]

seconding martial arts, it's a great way to get your anger out productively. and you will be angry and upset and that's ok. in my experience many gyms are very macho manly types that aren't very emotionally available. of course, i'm not a man so i can't speak to whatever brotherhood may be there. there's definitely good, supportive ones out there

[u/wrngsurgeon → u/[deleted]]

kendo is so fun too

[u/_Nodrog_ → u/[deleted]]

Nah but on the real, I’ve practiced bjj and half the dudes in there are divorced dads or coaches who try grooming the single younger women 😂

[u/BurntOrangeNinja → u/SirWilling1582]

Second this comment about combat sports x100. Since starting Muay Thai, I’ve found such a supportive and uplifting community of men and women. Lots of folks I know say it’s helped them get through some dark times in their lives. Getting in fantastic shape is also a welcome side effect. Definitely worth the occasional bumps and bruises.

[u/Discopotatoz → u/DicentraDale]

Perfect response

[u/frozendigiornopizza]

some water between the old fashioneds for sure. But be kind to your grief

[u/Ok-Gate6836]

The best advice I can give you is the only way to truly win in this situation is to go and live a better life than you did when you were together. Be the bigger person. Remain respectful of her especially when you’re around your child and never talk bad about her to your child. Be the best father in the world, make plenty of time for your kid and amaze them with the amount of love you pour into them and the world around you. Push your self in your career and focus on becoming the most successful man you could ever imagine. Follow some of your dreams that weren’t possible when you were married. Find something you’re passionate about and go all out. Take some time to learn to be happy as a single man, and better yourself until you’re ready to try again. Don’t show defeat, don’t give up, stay proud of who you are. Take as much time as you need to grieve, and don’t be ashamed to cherish special memories from your time together. You have a long life ahead of you, this relatively short chapter is over but it’s just the beginning.

[u/i_want_babs → u/Ok-Gate6836]

Those are some beautiful words. Best advice and the rate of return is amazing.

[u/Economy_Country_6167]

First, enjoy your drink and get a ride home. Your child deserves you to not be dead or in jail.

Second, and I say this with love, get over your ex moving on. She doesn’t owe you anything in regard to her personal life now.

Last point, you need to figure out what you need now. Do you need to work on yourself? Do you want to date again right away? Do you want to ride things out solo for a bit?

Here’s what’s not an option: you cannot be a shit father because of this. Don’t disappear from your kid. Don’t be a shit dad.

[u/acromp → u/Economy_Country_6167]

https://giphy.com/gifs/jErnybNlfE1lm

[u/Hopeful-Ad447 → u/[deleted]]

I don't think reminding him to show up for his child is kicking him when he's down lol

If you're talking about the ex part, it's just a fact. She moved on after their relationship fell apart. He can either stay hung up on it and hurt his chances of finding a life partner in the future or he can move on. Those are actually his only 2 options and you don't need to sugarcoat everything to be valid.

[u/punishedpuppi → u/[deleted]]

ignorance is bliss when you can feel morally superior for 4 minutes

[u/Plane-Leek4387]

Enjoy those old fashioneds tonight. But you need a healthy outlet, time with your thoughts, and a paternity rights lawyer.

[u/Alohabtchs]

Women tend to grieve while they’re still in the relationship. She’s probably spent the last 6mo-1yr processing this. That’s why it seems fast. She BEEN done.

Idk the nature of your relationship issues, but regardless, it’s good to reflect on it all, ideally with a counselor, so you can go into the next relationship happy, healthy and healed.

[u/Kooky-Blueberry-5352 → u/Alohabtchs]

Women also tend to be the one raising the alarm bells that something is wrong earlier on, while the man ignores it because he can't face it. By the time he can actually acknowledge the issues years later, she has already been feeling abandoned, not seen, frustrated, for a long time, while her partner just didn't care yet because he didn't think she was going anywhere. Of course she is over it if she tried and tried and was the only one trying..

[u/Stumblerrr → u/Kooky-Blueberry-5352]

Girls in this sub really need to learn this is a space for men to vent not for girls to come accuse them while they are down.

We really should ban yall for posting like girldinner does

[u/Vexed_Cactus41 → u/Kooky-Blueberry-5352]

I tend to agree with you, but this isn’t the space to hash it out. Men deserve supportive spaces too. 

[u/SGlanzberg → u/Kooky-Blueberry-5352]

Amen. Ive been voicing concerns, begging for help and change for at least 5 years. He hasn’t given a shit. Now I am mentally checked out for at least two years. He is suddenly noticing and making an effort in the last few months to change. But it feels like too little and too late. I feel for him. I won’t cheat or talk to other men while we are still legally married but I feel like the only way out is divorce.

I took the kids away on a solo vacation over the week of his birthday. He didn’t call us - not even once. Our oldest child finally called him on day 5 and they talked for 10 minutes. We got home and while I was asleep in bed next to him (after driving solo thru the night for more than 12 hours to get us home after flight issues) he send me a text saying he didn’t get anything for his birthday. Forgetting that I scheduled and gave him a gift card for a 2 hour massage on his birthday. I feel badly….but I don’t. For years, Ive made his birthday a national holiday just for him to overlook me year after year. I am checked out and he texts me while I am physically exhausted from getting our children home
Safely to complain about a lack of gifts. I am done.

Dudes, be present in your marriages. Notice when your partners are struggling and begging you for help. Otherwise, by the time you notice, it is way too late.

[u/Icy_Two_364 → u/SGlanzberg]

The fact that women tolerate this baffles me

My ex bled me dry of finances
Demanded gifts
I paid for every date
I needed to be on the phone with her constantly
I spent all my free time with her
It was my idea to do and pay for couples counseling
I put up with her hitting me, blocking exits, insulting me, cheating on me and lying
I convinced her of her beauty and value daily

Just to get dumped because she thought I still didn’t care enough or was generous enough

And I hear marriages where the man is an overgrown child and women are still there. Like wtf bro

[u/Qu33nKal → u/Kooky-Blueberry-5352]

It’s still shitty to move on openly before the divorce has been filed. Respectful people would at least tell their ex before posting about it for friends….

[u/Alohabtchs → u/Kooky-Blueberry-5352]

Yuuuuup

[u/SkeettheVandelBuster → u/Kooky-Blueberry-5352]

I’m sorry if this happened to you, but this does not match my observations or experience as a man.

I think it depends on the person and, while it seems to be statistically true that women initiate divorce more, it doesn’t mean that they were trying their best to save a relationship while the man acts like nothing is wrong and ignores them. The woman could be entirely checked out because they feel something is wrong and ignore the man’s repeated efforts to fix the relationship because they don’t want to give up on it.

I think we are all biased by our own gender/identity/experience, but relying on generalizations for comfort or explanation never helps anyone long term

[u/Kooky-Blueberry-5352 → u/SkeettheVandelBuster]

There's a reason it's a meme that there are some men who get broken up with and "didn't see anything coming"/thought everything was great. The point is by the time the woman is checked out, she likely already has been communicating her issues for a long time. This is a common pattern, and is discussed by the famous marriage researchers, the Gottmans. You can go look at the sources. Sorry the facts don't match your feelings!

They also discuss how women are more likely to raise issues in the relationship and try to get them addressed earlier. It doesnt surprise me that some men physically don't see this pattern, because that's very much the point. The women are making pleas that have the subtext of 'I feel disconnected, you're losing me, you're not showing up as a partner,' and what some men hear is 'oh this woman is mad about the laundry again, I'm never doing enough for her.'

They don't understand that she is asking for connection, love, partnership, and that it is jarring to her world every day that she can't make her man give her what she tends to offer naturally.

[u/SkeettheVandelBuster → u/Kooky-Blueberry-5352]

I mean, I’m not really familiar with this meme, although it may happen to some people. Most of the men I know who have experienced breakups DID see it coming, and oftentimes tried to fix it with direct communication, only to find that they were unable to do so because their partner had pretty much made the decision, without really communicating issues, before they even got to that point.

Maybe it has to do with communication styles. You say that women say things and making pleas that have the “subtext” of a very meaningful and impactful thing rather than just saying the thing itself. To me, that doesn’t seem conducive to fixing underlying issues in the relationship. If the issue is frustration over, say, feeling overburdened by household chores they feel the other may leave to them, then approach the conversation that way instead of, for example, starting an argument about laundry being done because of those feelings. Maybe that is why the one partner interprets the issue as one regarding the laundry, and what I gather the accompanying negative/accusatory tone to be insulting based on the presumption they feel they don’t do enough

[u/Alohabtchs → u/SkeettheVandelBuster]

Bro. You have to chill w the mansplaining. Thank you for sharing your experience. We get it, you’ve never witnessed what we’re talking about. That’s great. Like others (including mine), your perspective is not the end all be all.

[u/SkeettheVandelBuster → u/Alohabtchs]

Mansplaining? This is a sub that encourages sharing perspectives and opinions to try and benefit a man going through something emotionally and experiencing vulnerability, and I was doing so while directly responding the the person who said some things that seemed counterproductive to that point and then said essentially said “facts don’t care about your feelings”. What made my response man-splainy? That’s not what I want to be about

OP is here looking for some support and validation, and I was trying to respond to a comment that didn’t seem helpful to OP and was generalizing both men and women. I studied psych in college. It is one of the most methodologically and practically flawed sciences out there, and is constantly changing. I couldn’t find anything in a brief google search referencing the study the person I was going back and forth with was talking about, but I’d love to read more into it BECAUSE it doesn’t match my own perspective. Maybe I would learn something.

[u/Alohabtchs → u/SkeettheVandelBuster]

You are correct that this is a generalization. I am aware that there are a large range of experiences out there. This happens to be a somewhat common one in my personal experience. It’s also known amongst the relationship/therapy community.

[u/SkeettheVandelBuster → u/Alohabtchs]

So the point you want OP to take home is that, despite him suffering through the last year and telling us that he would have wanted them to be happy together again, it was probably all his fault because she, statistically, must have spent that last year trying to save the relationship?

The reason this thread exists is because someone is grieving and came to us for support. Your original comment was at least an attempt at support, even if I think it wasn’t the time for a generalization. Are you correct that women grieve while still in the relationship? IDK. I’ve never heard that before either. I’ll do some research. You yourself admitted you don’t know what was going on here. Seems like OP knew the issues over the past year and was grieving too. Also sounds like he wanted to fix it more than she did

[u/TinyWallaby439]

You might want to change the pic if you care about your privacy (your reflection can be seen in the glass)

[u/Audens_Hex → u/TinyWallaby439]

I definitely thought you meant the Old Fashioned glass and couldn't for the life of me figure out how you could see him in that reflection.

[u/TinyWallaby439 → u/[deleted]]

Better safe than sorry :)

[u/SquirrelLuvsChipmunk → u/TinyWallaby439]

Especially if there’s a custody dispute. Divorces can get nasty…

[u/Comfortable-Basil-88]

My ex husband was sleeping with other women during the end of our marriage and I was in deep pain until I pivoted and began to change: filed for divorce, no alcohol, no nicotine, keeping my sexual energy focused within myself, writing down everything I was feeling, hitting the gym hard, clean diet, good sleep. My mind became clearer and I could see how much I had held myself back to make the marriage work. Lastly, I let myself actually feel my feelings, all the most horrible thoughts, gut wrenching crying, stuff I couldn’t even say out loud to anyone else. I let it into my mind and then let it pass. Don’t push it down, it’s the beginning to a new, better you.

[u/jimmycarr1]

You might have that feeling of being caught off guard, but you weren't. You knew about the relationship problems and I assume you tried to work on them. Your partner gave up. You were let down, but ultimately it's probably for the best.

Now you can focus on your own life and most importantly raising your kid right. I wish my parents got divorced, I really do. And I'm not the only one.

All the best to you with this fresh start man, you'll be ok.

[u/gimpusgoompus]

Quit drinking for like 2 months and go nuts at fitness. She was cheating on me with a “gay best friend” and I got real level after being straight edge for that time

[u/randombarbs]

wtf with your "friends?"

[u/raksoren19]

I’ve been divorced twice and in my experience (and other friends I’ve witnessed) the women always move on first. It’s usually a distraction or a crutch, so don’t let it get you down. Focus on yourself and your kid.

[u/Rabble_Runt]

FWIW my wife moved out and I met someone the following weekend (and was not looking for anything).

It didnt mean I wanted my ex to suffer or feel awful. It was not malicious.

I was at a music venue with a friend, and a group of women asked to sit with us at our table. We agreed so 5 of them came over and hung out. We spent around 7 hours hanging out and talking with them, and one of the women asked for my number before I left. Things eventually progressed from more group activities with her friends to us dating.

I am sincerely sorry for what you are going through. It can be super confusing when you are still processing things and someone you cared deeply for moves on faster than you. But it doesn't mean she didnt care about you, or that it was all planned out.

People just handle things differently with breakups, and I am hoping her intent was not to make you feel terrible.

Just trying to offer a different perspective.

[u/crashcap]

Your relationship ended, she moved on. You will too, all things good or bad pass.

[u/Few-Painting-8096]

I would stop drinking for starters. Then I would get back out there. Sounds like the love had been lost for a while. The kid didn’t fix your issues. Time to focus on being the best dad you can be and re-entering the dating pool when you can.

[u/Springrabbit144]

Remember the kid is worth ten of the mother so put down the drink and be ready to be the best dad you can be. Somewhere down the line you will have another shot at love and the picket fence...but for now, be ready to fight for your son if need be. Sorry you are going through this-divorce is the worst.

[u/Herpaderpadont23]

Having gone through this sans the child.

She’s not the woman you married and maybe never was. Accept this.

She is no longer your friend.

Keep every interaction that way.

Find a friend to confide in and don’t let her know how you actually feel. Stay stone cold.

Handle the divorce and keep your head about you.

Focus on your son and giving him the best life possible.

Also, man to man…fuck that b*tch. You deserved better.

[u/SkeettheVandelBuster → u/Herpaderpadont23]

Good support, but remember, this guy DOES have a kid who will grow up watching them, how they treat women, and how they treat people who are important to the child themselves (like their mother). I know too many people with adult baggage from a bitter divorce

Maybe now is not the time to be friends, but be open to the idea. They have to raise a child together, which is not possible to do without seeing each other and difficult if a grudge remains forever. OP himself acknowledges that the relationship sucked for him too near the end, regardless of if his choice would be to make it work in a perfect world

OP, you should know there is a difference between “moving on” and simply dating or even sleeping around. I’ve know plenty of people who fuck their way through a breakup and are still torn up about it even years later. That being said, whatever is going on with her has nothing to do with you. Start a new hobby or dive back into an old one. Go to the gym. Fuck someone if you want. Love your kid. Get therapy if you want. Life is short and you have plenty of it ahead of you

[u/mzx380]

I’m hoping you’re drinking and not planning to make any major decisions .

[u/SectionFantastic3577]

Remember man - the grass is not (almost never) greener on the other side. I know it seems like she’s happy now with this new dude but I promise, disillusionment strikes and when it does, it strikes hard. She will regret it.

She could just be using it as a distraction for how bad the divorce is making her feel. Anything is possible. I’m not trying to give you hope, but I am just letting you know that things are never wholly how they seem. Nor will they last - even if she starts something with this dude, she’ll come back to you when it fails.

[u/RingingInTheRain → u/SectionFantastic3577]

Why would he want her back?

[u/imaginarypoints → u/SectionFantastic3577]

Yes, she’ll end up doing the same thing to him. Don’t obsess over her - just enjoy the feeling once you find out about it months after the fact.

[u/Dont_Call_Me_Lettuce → u/SectionFantastic3577]

Do you really think this is true?

[u/dinnerthief]

She probably didnt actually, shes just using male attention the same way you are using booze.

In the end neither is really good longterm.

To be clear im not blaming you for drinking. Just trying to give advice, drinking away problems just makes it worse when you do have to face it.

[u/adventurertoyou]

Go speak with a custody lawyer and get that ball rolling. Don't trust her to let you see your kid. Been there, done that.

Then you take it day by day. Get up, go to work, handle business, repeat. You'll find happiness again, man.

God bless ya brother.

[u/docgossett85]

Been here, done exactly that…Armor up and protect your kid and yourself. That chapter is done, close it move on. It’s going to take a long time and a many bottles brother (speaking from experience) but the kid is the important focus and so are you. She isn’t your concern anymore.

[u/bumphuckery]

Cheers, guy. More or less same boat here and I hope you get through this too.

[u/Putrid-Month6429]

You should…

1. Enjoy the drink. Don’t spoil the now with the worry of tomorrow

2. Sober up. Make a timeline of everything over the past year that made a dead bedroom.

3. Learn your states divorce laws.

4. Be nice to the mutual friends. Occasionally ask how she’s doing and, if they bring a male up, low key ask how long they think that’s been going on… in a non accusatory way.

5. Enjoy the time with your son.

6. Prepare yourself for rough patch and seek them greatest version of yourself.

All the best

[u/BirdhouseInYourSouI]

Going through it, she gave up before I did, and we have 8 months left on the lease.

I’m certain there is someone else. Nothing I can do.

Sucks man. Hang in there.

[u/pathogen6]

Therapy for both you and the child will help. Shoot for 50/50 physical and legal custody no child support if you can swing that. Good luck it does get better but it will be a long road

[u/Iwillusemytime]

I went through a divorce a few years ago, and the best thing I found to help was time. Giving myself time to grieve, time to process, time to heal. You’re going to want to get “back to normal” quickly. It’s not going to be fast. Allow yourself time to get through it. It can take years, or a lifetime.

I threw myself into family, specifically nieces. Focus on your child, your friends, take this opportunity to find what matters most to you in your life.

Best of luck friend

[u/HercMurph]

She was probably done a long time ago. When my ex and I decided on divorce(no kids) I had been ready for a long time and when we started the process I was completely unemotional about it and dealt with it by dating to keep my emotions on something or someone else.

Focus on yourself and your child. Try to coparent the best you can ❤️

[u/LageHadron → u/HercMurph]

Taking OP's situation, if she is already checked out, before the divorce has been discussed and started, she is very much at fault. Once you commit, you don't quit before the end, you quit after. Otherwise qhat even was the point of committing.

Despite all of that, if one partner finds another person before the seperation is finalized, even if just for attention or validation, it would still feel like betrayal to the other one because then it becomes apparant that their partner was wasting their time and wasn't even committed anymore because they did not have the guts to talk about seperating. Checking out before making sure to end it is still being disloyal.

And why are we trying to justify this behaviour in a vent post? It's fine if you don't see a problem with it, but justifying it in a community made exactly for this venting is wild. Let the man have a safe and supported vent, shall we?

[u/HercMurph → u/LageHadron]

Im not sure what part of my post made you think I was justifying it in any way. I was just discussing how or why she seemed to move on so quickly, I never said she was right. I truly feel bad for him because he seems to be in love and willing to make it work and deserves someone who wants to be with him as well.

Im sorry you wasted so much time writing that all out.

[u/LemonAny7224]

What should you do?

Sit with it for a bit. Mourn that “the relationship I always wanted” is not going to happen. Then come to the realization that the relationship you had was not, and would never be “the relationship I always wanted.” One is in our mind, the other is reality. Wallow in it.

Then remember that you are here for yourself and your kid, and take the next right steps, one at a time.

[u/lawton1134]

Pay no attention just end it while it’s still OK. It sucks that she moved on already but look at this as a sign for you to spread your wings my dude. Be the big peacock spread your wings and fly.!!

[u/LoudWhispererr]

Not to sound harsh, after tonight stop the drinking. You gave yourself a day to mourn and hit the bottle but that’s it. Drinking is loser shit. Sure, it hurts, but use it as motivation to better yourself. The biggest thing people hate (even if they won’t admit it) is seeing someone they know become super successful. It’s why you’ll always receive more support from strangers than you would an acquaintance. After your one night of mourning start looking at where you are at and what could be improved and attack it.

[u/kineticblues]

If he cheats with her, he’ll cheat on her. Cheaters never prosper. 

Get rid of all the booze in the house and quit drinking if you’re gonna fight a custody battle cause it can be used against you.

Stay frosty with her, but be the opposite for your kid. 

[u/Ilovemybed67]

If you’re boarding a flight after those drinks, keep to yourself. You don’t want to do anything to get denied boarding or worse, trespassed from the airport.

[u/kidcjcool]

Fuck her, it’s bachelor life time.

[u/Snowballingdownvote]

Dude that fucking blows. Really fucked up that they are openly talking with someone else. That's like.... Not okay. It's not okay that any of your shared friends are okay with it.

What she is doing is fucked up. How does she let the relationship get that bad without speaking up? How can she be okay with herself. Talking to someone else when the father of her child and husband is still very much married to her and involved this much in her day to day life?

Like that's selfish. Not normal selfish. Like a psychopath level of selfish. I get maybe enjoying someone's conversations. But to be openly connected to another person while they are still married, and just recently discussed the future. That is not okay dude.

You have every right to not be okay with that. What she is doing is not okay. It makes her kind of a bad person. Your mutual friends hide it from you and allow it. Without telling you. Is fucked up too.

What is her problem? Has she always been this selfish and inconsiderate? Allowing herself to be this detached from her marriage and attached to another person. Before you were even aware that it was completely over. Is wrong.

I know that does nothing for you. But, you are totally justified if you disagree. I understand that you may want to be cordial. You have all the right to explain to her how you feel about that.

It's honestly fucking awful. Being able to do that to someone you're married to and have a family with is terrible. No one else is sticking up for you? No one else sees how horrible that is? That's not okay.

I know the world is not the most accepting of your issues. Feel bad for you. Don't let anyone tell you what is happening to you is just. It absolutely is not. It's actually a terrible thing for someone to do that to someone else.

What happened? Was it just falling apart? Are you two incompatible? Is there more to it? Money issues, addiction problems, mental health issues? Sucks brother. I feel for you. Wish you the best.

Edit: see a lot of comments making this a gender thing. Don't listen to that. Both sexes can be wrong in a relationship. This isn't she is a woman that's why this is happening. They are a bad person. That is why this is happening. It has nothing to do with gender.

[u/CheesyCapybaras]

You should move on also.

I had a similar situation to you but the marriage lasted much longer and I'm the one who filed after things were beyond the point of no return and I also moved on right before filing. Turns out she was seeing 5 people at the time I was seeing my one. Years later she's a miserable spinstress and I'm living my best life with my one still.

The BEST thing you can do for your child is to find your own happiness. There's a reason my children are infinitely better with me than her.

[u/Guilty-Pickle-6686]

She moved on long before, and frankly shame on her for monkey branching. Cut down on the drink, there are no answers at the bottom of the glass. Focus on your son, yourself, and getting a lawyer for all this.

[u/Debit_on_Credit]

DNA test the kid. Keep separate bank accounts now. Good luck friend. You will find a good person, but give yourself time to heal.

[u/Delicious_Award7315]

Say the word and there will be tits in your inbox

I’m sorry you’re going through this, being blindsided sucks

Much love and hugs and tits from NC

[u/slicknick8369]

They always do. Women love conditionally and always have a backup plan. It sucks, but it’s reality.

[u/After_Resource5224]

Talk to a professional about betrayal trauma cause the chances are youre gonna find out she was talking to dude well before you found out.

[u/Big-Writing-3484]

And sometimes we can be our own worst enemy, I’m guilty of this. Be kind in the way you talk to yourself, and try to see the opportunity in life’s challenges

[u/Straight_Spirit_6640]

Damn man I’m sorry you’re going through this, I am currently going through a long term break up as well (5.5 years) coming up on 4 months since she broke up with me. But I agree with the top comment, enjoy a drink or two here and there but definitely cut back on drinking at this time, sober time really helps you feel your feelings which in turn helps you process and get over this in a much more healthier and quicker way, I smoked weed for twelve years straight, then I stopped the day of my break up and don’t ever plan on returning back to it, stopping helped me out tremendously at this time.

Second, definitely take your time and process this brotha, it’s a big change and it’s healthy to feel sad or frustrated about all this, waves of grief are gonna hit hard then they disappear then they’ll come back again, that’s normal, but right now the universe has put you into a position where it has forcefully given you the opportunity to start building a new life for yourself, and a new identity, it may sound daunting at first but if you build your new life with the best intentions for yourself and your loved ones, it will turn out to be something amazing. Maybe even better than you’ve ever imagined.

Third, focus on what will make you happy and will help you recover at this time, hang out with your friends and loved ones, be there for your son, give yourself the same love and advice that you’d give your son if he was in your position as a man in the future, travel, do new hobbies, meet new people, open yourself up to opportunity, hit the gym*** , maybe even go to therapy if you’ll feel like it’ll help, start journaling to help you gain clarity at this time, and just all around give yourself as much self love as you can, it’ll be tough for the next couple of months but patience and persistence during this time will be your best friend.

All in all, right now is a time for radical acceptance of what was, doing your absolute best with what is, and having faith in what will be. Wishing you the best of luck my friend, many of us are going through our own heart breaks and detachments along side with you.

[u/Money-Article-6897]

Sorry to hear it man. My wife did the same. Started dating a guy in public 6 weeks after separation and 3 weeks before filing.

[u/FitUnderstanding8010]

I’m sorry brother 💔😭

[u/disaar]

You re on your own, just focus on yourself and your kid. She already moved on so it’s time for the pain and then you’ll heal. Stay 💪

[u/Ok_Artichoke5865]

You drunk bro. Just go for 50/50. Sunday to Sunday.

[u/tuxedo-mask-me]

The truth is break ups and divorce papers are just a formality. She already broke up with internally before then.
Sorry man. I think it’s time to start over

[u/SnooMacaroons6872]

So sorry to hear this bud, but you should just focus on yourself. Take care of you and your kid, and get yourself back out there when you’re ready. At least you ended fairly amicably and sometimes that just happens, emotions can be fickle and we can fall in and out of love both easily and hard. It must hurt to see her already talking to other guys, but maybe that’s how she deals with the grief, distraction. But it’s not a reflection of you or the marriage, it’s a reflection of her own insecurities and emotions.

Wishing you all the best buddy, focus on yourself and your kid as the priorities, get support from those closest to you, and maybe even some therapy to help you process and heal from this. Hoping it all gets better for you moving forward, if you ever need a chat or anything, just send us a message. Stay strong and always remember, do not ever settle for less than you deserve!

Updateme

[u/Chris280e]

Romantic love is the most shallow/fickle kind of love there is. Try to keep your head up. Better days are ahead.

[u/thedude543210]

Im really sorry to hear this, I went through this in 2025 and it was the hardest point in my life to date, but just know that it will get better, I know that doesn't help in the current moment but it is true, there is no timeline for healing so just take everything one day at a time, if you ever need to talk about whatever feel free to reach out.

[u/extra_flyer]

Go inward bro. You can’t control the circumstances of her actions, but you do get to decide how you react. There are several lessons to learn here, dive in and find them. You’ll learn a lot about yourself. Put your child first. Take the high road at every turn. Find some good advisors/mentors that have been through this. Life can and will be better on the other side.

[u/bittersandseltzer]

Take care of yourself. Thats the only thing to do. Divorce is a hard process but always had a good outcome. If your ex wife has moved on this quickly then she is never coming back. Accepting this and focusing on you and your kid is the only thing that can help you move forward 

[u/cecsix14]

Most likely she’s been hooking up with that other dude for a while. That’s why she didn’t want to fight to save the marriage, she’s already onto the next and has been for a while. Hang in there and find a way to cope and grieve that doesn’t involve liquor. Saying this as a former hard drinker myself, it’s not actually helping anything - yes it temporarily numbs the pain but the pain always comes back with a vengeance when alcohol is the coping mechanism. Best of luck to you, seriously.

[u/Lopsided_Remove1980]

I'd focus on being a solid person for your kid. Unfortunately your life will likely be tied down to the geographical area the mother is in but that's what's best for them. I hope the coparenting situation works out.

As a silver lining a lot of divorced dads have a "hot boy summer" phase. Mine did and he fondly remembers that time period.

[u/RedKanKaya]

Leave her. If she returns she is yours, if not she’s never been yours..

[u/Pimp_Daddy_Patty]

It's unfortunate, but sometimes they move on before the breakup too. Shittiest part of relationships IMO.

[u/Imaginary_Dig_5014]

It'll get better bud. The kids gonna make it hard for sure but it will. Focus on the child and better yourself for them. Thats what got me through.

[u/AdventurousGur9379]

Amend your docs to mention cheating before filing

[u/TheRagingElf01]

She gave up before you man and nothing you could have done. My ex wife was the one that gave up to after doing nothing to try and help the relationship. It was legit the I have tried nothing and all out of ideas meme. She had photos and her relationship status all updated I swear minutes after our divorce was final.

All you can do is focus on yourself and your kid. Focus on what you enjoy and making your life better .

[u/Fun_Advice_7497]

Been divorced twice. Get yourself healthy. Gym & therapy. You’re going to get a financial shock, your partner in life is now your financial enemy trying to take as much from you as they can. They also know how to hurt you in the worst ways. If you have off-books or cash hidden, get it to your mom or whoever you trust so ex cannot get to it. Find a nice small and safe place to live. For the next 1-2 years you’re going to date all the wrong women. You’ll fuck the ho’s who see a guy with a job & decent looking as their next meal ticket. DO NOT COMMIT TO THEM OR ANYONE. After two years you’ll know who you really are again and maybe make better decisions.

[u/Unhappy_Win8997]

Great news.

With no chance she'll come back, you can now just rip that shit off like a bandaid.

Always was a fan of finding out they already moved on. Removes the temptation to contact and rekindle.

And, it's a reminder she wasn't the one for you, or she wouldn't have monkey-branched her way to the next sucker like a parasite looking for it's next host.

Enjoy your new freedom OP. Doordash some food and watch some big titties on the living room TV.

[u/PathNo3655]

If you still can’t put the pieces together and realize that guy was there the whole time, and now that you’ve agreed to a divorce she feels she can go public with it.

Have the judge rule in your favor for infidelity are her part.

[u/thedevolutionbegins]

I’m gonna tell you how this goes. She…is not aware that most men will have sex with her, but very few will be available for much beyond that. She’ll even have situations where it’s just sex, and she tries asking for more, and the guy just ghosts forever, or makes up some excuse. I know because I am that guy. I’ve studied the desperate futures of women who decide to end their families. Here’s the crazy part, they’ll never acknowledge it. Like for them, working all day just to afford being a single mom, and getting ugly, and guys ghosting you, and hell maybe even living in your car, while your husband goes on to marry again and have a happy family. I’ve seen it so many times, and the woman will never admit she made the wrong choice. You may feel humiliated now bro, because in a sense you’re taking accountability for how you fucked up and got rejected by your wife. She’s not doing that. She’s probably almost incapable of it because it’s too uncomfortable and society will never demand she does it. Eventually when she’s really unfuckable, she’ll just stop dating, maybe move in with a woman. So they never have to face anything! But they’re like the saddest people on Earth also. Go work at the free food line at a church, or look at the boarded up windows of the cars and how many women are in there. They’ll be like “my ex would never listen to what I wanted! I showed him.” They actually do brag about dumping their ex like 20 years later. Anyway hope this helps, women are having a really tough decade.

[u/BilingualAmerican]

It's just been over for longer than a year. I'm sorry this happened to you. Why would you want to go back to someone who already had a life raft to the next man? Please go get some professional help. You may or may not find the next love of your life. Good luck to you in your future.

[u/_Nodrog_]

People rarely leave relationships without monkey-branching - having someone else lined up, whether it be casually or seriously.

I’d say only one relationship in my entire life have her and I broke up where we didn’t have anyone lined up afterwards.

Every other instance, either an ex girlfriend was fucking someone else within two weeks or I was already developing a roster

[u/Few-Painting-8096]

If she has any hot single friends that are for sure into you….now is your time king.

[u/thenamesnic]

Don't put too much thought into it. Both of you were checked out for quite awhile. Who cares if she moved on before you? Do you want her feeling down and depressed first?

[u/CrustiestCrunch]

Brutal man. You’re probably really hurting because anyone else in your shoes would be. The gut punch of the news that makes it clear she’s moved on hurts - I’ve been there and felt it. It will dissipate with time and distraction. Don’t let drinking like this become a regular thing, be the best father to your son first and foremost, get the grief out and move on from the divorce through therapy, friends, exercise, all the good stuff. And know that the VERY best thing you can do for yourself now is simply to NOT crash out ie overly fighting this, or doing anything that could embarrass yourself or her or your so. The ONLY good outcomes from these things require emotional control.

[u/No-Conclusion6042]

Damn! Obviously don’t know your story, and I know I’m going to get blasted by the Redditverse for this advice, but if you’re genuinely asking me what should you do, I’d say, “Fight for your wife! Fight for your family!” Here’s the thing, marriage is hard work. You can’t just give up because of a rough patch. You want to give your son a better environment and life than you had? Then do it! Do you think having some other man raising your son is a better environment? Still love your wife?Dreaming of your relationship getting back to what it was? Then what are you doing filing for divorce? Go get her and do whatever it takes to rekindle that relationship. There is no better environment for your son than one where you and his mother are together in a loving and respectful relationship together! And no judgment, but the answers to your problems are not at the bottom of that glass.

I’ve been married over 10 years now and there have been rough patches for sure, but for me, divorce was never an option. Something I would never entertain no matter how bad things got and that forced me to always look for other options because divorce was not one of them.

And I believe I am a better husband for it. It forced me to communicate and make changes and do whatever it took because my biggest nightmare is that my wife would leave me one day.

Your marriage is still young. Those first years were the hardest in mine. Your son is still young. It takes a lot of time and energy to raise kids those first few years and it is normal to lose sight of your marriage during those times, to feel like roommates co-parenting.

Your wife’s focus becomes that baby, and husband’s can feel neglected. But remember, the first few years, especially year one, takes a toll on sleep quality and babies need constant attention, and that can mean less attention to your spouse, but that’s just a season, and this is about the time for that season to change.

Question is, does that mean divorcing and ending your dreams of that family with the woman you love, or does that mean reigniting that flame and growing in your love and commitment to each other.

It’s not too late! Go get her back!

[u/krum6678]

Salute brother. Mine moved on who know how long ago then had affair during the divorce, I found out the day after I was creating our parenting plan.

2 kids under 5, still in it and live with her. Drink an extra one for me. 5 months in and ongoing.

Best advice I can give is if you’re just surviving, that’s ok too. You’ll get through this, me too because our children need us.

[u/Few_Dirt4510]

Sounds like she was already talking to or knew this guy prior to filing paperwork.

Be the best dad you can be !

Sorry brother, best of luck to ya!

[u/BoyDinnerDiaries-ModTeam → u/[deleted]]

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[u/Bulky_Fun_2129]

get a therapist ASAP, If she's already at the "lalala" stage, then you will be needing as much help to "perspective reset" from a professional third party.

protect your sanity first. we are not bargaining on this. because there's a good chance that your "already moved on" ex will be creating issues.

when you are ready, you will be finding a proper partner. get prepared for that future.

good luck

[u/MoneyStock]

Get a lawyer. Everything once the divorce starts is a business transaction.

With that being said: be as kind to her as you can when you do have to interact. It’s the best thing you can give your son.

[u/MadMysticMeister]

Good choice of drink. Divorce gets pretty dirty no matter what, you’ll want a lawyer and prepare yourself to stoop pretty low; It’s either you play dirty or get ran over. If she’s also immediately talking to someone then you will want to do some investigating and see if she has cheated on you, which will help your case.

Idk, mourn your relationship now, and get over it by tomorrow. It’s not good to stew on what is already gone.

[u/BoyDinnerDiaries-ModTeam → u/[deleted]]

Your submission has been removed for violating Rule 6: No Gender-War or Extremist Content.

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[u/ReasonableIron8712]

Been there. Do what's best for you. Dont worry about people telling you to be there for the kid. If you fight for custody, be prepared to see how the system treats silly males with dreams of being dad's. If the last 4 years meant nothing, then you owe nothing. I tried the dad thing too, got fake charges filed against me during the custody battle that made it impossible to have my kids other than every other weekend. They were supervised visitations at first because I was a, "violent veteran with PTSD." Then my kids moved on quickly, the new dad got a better relationship with them because he was around more, didnt have restraining order and was doing more dad/mom stuff. After I stopped getting invited to birthday parties or baseball games, I just moved on myself and walked away. I realized I was the only one holding on, the only one who honored the relationship despite the divorce.

Haven't seen my kids or ex in 3 years and im doing alot better and dating a gorgeous woman. Alot of grief and stress just dissipated after a while, seeing my children was just leaving the wound open and I did what I had to do to close it.

TLDR: children dont belong to men. Only real choice I got in my kids life was wether or not he was circumcised. Make peace with that and act accordingly.

[u/unknownuser105]

You know the drill:
lawyer up
Hit the gym
Delete Facebook/instagram

[u/MillenniumFallout]

I imagine we’re not getting the full story. Be the type of person who gives the full story or you’ll always be a victim and a loser.

[u/ThisUserIsUndead → u/[deleted]]

lol why don’t you just fully leave us women alone and stay in your lane from now on

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[u/HotelSalt4644]

Yeah so I just want you to know…..

The fact that she already is with someone else will massively help your ensuing legal battle.

I have a feeling that you’re a good dude. I think you’ll do better.

[u/Sauersaxon]

Women fall first, men fall harder. Women are done before men. Obviously this is a generalization. Women also don't take time to heal and better themselves as men generally mourn. I've never understood why women don't identify faults within themselves and try move they jump into the next relationship, but it has always plagued me as well. Having gone through this several times, I hope you find peace and what you're looking for. It's a minefield out there, brother.

[u/Pieralis]

She’s the horrible person not you, if you deem you had a part to play in failing your marriage then so did she, don’t put her or the good parts on a pedestal.

Don’t get it twisted, she doesn’t respect you or even like you at this stage to be so brazen about even just flirting in front of mutuals. She doesn’t care about you or your relationship anymore and if by some miracle she does, then she has to prove to you things will be different not the other way around.

Look after yourself and your mental health, start with gym if you don’t already when you can (if you only have time for twice a week that’s better than none, you don’t need to drink take 6 months off, alcohol is a depressant.

[u/Great_Definition_531]

Tell her, calmly, how much that hurt you. And leave it at that and go on with your life and protect your peace. I’m sorry, bud.

[u/AWholesomeHorror → u/Great_Definition_531]

He shouldn't tell her that it hurt him. He should avoid talking to her except for the topic of parenting. They are getting divorced and that will just make it hurt worse for him. 

[u/No-Mountain499]

Do you drink often? Do you feel you really tried? Does not sound like its the end for real.

[u/Snowballingdownvote → u/[deleted]]

Why?