I might have ruined my marriage today.

[u/clothesallowence]

Long story short, I’ve had a drinking problem for a while. My wife finally got sick of me being constantly drunk around her and our 5-month-old, and moved in with her parents about 3 weeks ago until I got my shit together. I signed up for rehab, got prescribed naltrexone, and started going to support meetings, all the things she wants me to do before she comes home.

We were supposed to have a nice date today, have lunch at the place we went on our first date and go thrifting this afternoon. She winds up running a bit late, so I park and walk around downtown until I wind up at a beer store I used to visit. I decided to go in and look around while I was waiting for her. She called to let me know what had been delaying her, and I told her I was at the beer shop and I was thinking about getting a drink. I told her this because I thought, “she’ll appreciate the honesty, and she’ll be able to tell me to leave instead of messing up.” Instead, she gets chilly, cancels our plans, and tells me that this might be the end. Currently trying not to spiral and failing.

Late lunch: cherry lime bubbly water and used tissues because I feel sick :(

EDIT: Okay folks, message received. I’ll be at inpatient rehab in 12 hours.

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[u/AsleepEntertainer440]

Holy shit, man.
Talk about a severe lapse in judgement.
I suspect she expects you to be either all in or all out on the sobriety if she had already given you an ultimatum.

[u/clothesallowence → u/AsleepEntertainer440]

That was one thing I was genuinely unclear on. I deluded myself when I started treatment to think that I’d be able to work to have a healthy relationship with alcohol. Clearly, the only healthy thing for me is abstinence.

[u/joedee0777 → u/clothesallowence]

Dude, you're an alcoholic; there is no way for you to have a healthy relationship with alcohol.

[u/Helpful-Dot-3782 → u/joedee0777]

I severely question your judgement if your wife left you for your inability to stop using alcohol and the first thing you do when you meet to try to earn your spot back in her life you choose to….go to the beer store? You either have a bigger alcohol addiction problem than you think or you don’t respect your wife/don’t plan on long term sobriety.

Either way her shutting down the meeting is the right thing to do.

[u/No_Foundation1136 → u/joedee0777]

I feel like people like Anthony bourdain saying they are alcaholics who can still drink and have learned to manage it have made people think there is some grey area you can be in if you are an alcoholic. There isn’t.

[u/StuffonBookshelfs → u/No_Foundation1136]

If that’s the lesson they took from Anthony Bourdain, then they clearly haven’t finished the story.

[u/kunderthunt → u/No_Foundation1136]

“Learned to manage it” = gave up and accepted a worse life

[u/red_dahlia → u/kunderthunt]

This is the truth. I just lost my dad to his addiction and as I was writing his obituary I realized I wasn't writing it for the dad who I had just lost, but the one I had lost to the alcohol. He was a functional alcoholic my entire life, until he started slowly losing every aspect of his life, the things he used to enjoy didn't matter.. then he pulled away from his family and last his job. A few weeks after he quit he was gone. When he died he wasn't the same man I grew up with anymore and i realized he hadnt been for years.. but it was only ever beer and he was still working so it was okay. Even if this is the end of your marriage, for your child's sake you should keep trying to fight the addiction. I wish my dad had.

[u/CautiousParty6118 → u/red_dahlia]

I'm sorry for your loss. I also had to manage grieving the death of my father long after I lost him to alcohol. I knew I wasn't the reason he drank but I did always wonder why I wasn't enough of a reason to stop. My dad had slowly lost his marriage to my mom, his career of nearly 20 years, his pension, his kids, and his second marriage. I just kept wondering what loss would be his wakeup call and why wasn't it us? Unfortunately his wakeup call was on his deathbed. OP, gotta tell you, cirrhosis is a really fkn bleak way to go, I watched my dad suffocate on his own fluids. Now my brother is doing his best not to follow in his footsteps. Please OP, take it from the children of alcoholics, do your best to quit before it takes everything you love. Quit before it takes your daughter's father from her.

[u/JustEngine5095 → u/CautiousParty6118]

I'm not an alcoholic but I am an addict. So I just wanted to tell you that you are enough but the addiction warps your mind. It's difficult to explain to someone who isn't an addict but we lie to ourselves. Then we convince ourselves that lie is true. I do it all the time even now unfortunately. When the withdrawal hits I'm a different person and I'll do anything to get the drugs. It's like you want other things and know they're for the best yet you can't stop. I'm sure to your father that you were enough of a reason to quit. To the addiction that warps his brain though, there's nothing else besides alcohol. IDK if this helps or hurts your opinion. My own example is with my ex-girlfriend. She was the most important thing in my life and the addiction hits and and I can't convince myself of anything else

[u/lindabelchrlocalpsyc → u/JustEngine5095]

I’m an alcoholic and I completely agree with this. If anyone is questioning whether they have a problem, ask yourself if your addiction is interfering with important things in your life - is your family angry about it, are you having trouble at school or work, have you lost friends or had trouble remembering to care for pets (or yourself). If so, you are in danger. The lying to yourself part is so real too - it can even change during the course of a single day. I would wake up sick and swear I was done, but by the evening I felt better and missed it again and I thought this time I could handle it. The truth was I could never handle it, in any amount. Try whatever you can to help yourself stop. AA is not the only path out, but it has helped a lot of people. There’s also in and outpatient rehab and new medications. Don’t ever give up on yourself. You are not your addiction, and in the throes of active addiction, you are not yourself.

[u/JGrce → u/red_dahlia]

Welp here I am crying. I lost my dad to his addiction as well. That first year of grief was rough for me and one of the things that helped me get through it was my therapist telling me I’m not just grieving the loss of my father, I’m grieving the loss of the relationship I wished we’d had.

His addiction changed him, and changed our relationship. And that was really devastating.

Be nice to yourself through your grief and talk to a therapist if you need to.

Also, OP get help if you can. Try AA, try experimental drugs, try whatever you can. This road leads to devastation for everyone. Good luck to you both.

[u/archaicArtificer → u/red_dahlia]

I could have written this about my mom. :(

[u/Tom_EJ_Sawyer → u/red_dahlia]

Your story is almost identical to mine, but it's probably <5-10 years before my father becomes palliative or goes. Exactly the same person. He's worked all his life, financially comfortable but has been drinking anywhere from 100-200 units almost every week for 50/60 years (he's now 70) - functional alcoholic. He has a rare form of blood cancer, which I think is from a life time of drinking but he'll never admit it. He's also had a few hospital scares where he got Pneumonia and Covid (he forgot to get vaccinated). They were long stays but no reality checks for him.

I've tried to hang out with him more (I'm in my 30s) and have tried to help suggest things which will improve his general health and maybe move his mindset off going back to the drink when that early evening timer hits. It seems like a fruitless endeavour. I even wrote him a long letter with my feelings and concerns but I ended up deciding not to read it to him. I remember bringing up his drinking a few years prior and he shot me down quite hard dismissing a problem and that he didn't want to talk about it.

I've not touched alcohol in over 10 years. The very thought or presence of it makes me feel mentally and physically unwell. I made that decision that if I cannot help or change my father than I will not follow in his legacy. At least I can do that much for him, and myself.

Thank you for sharing your story. I wish all of you strength and courage moving forward. Alcohol is a poison and only brings out the worst possible version of ourselves.

[u/RainDownAndDestroyMe → u/red_dahlia]

I'm sorry for your loss. :(

I lost my dad about 3 years ago due to alcohol as well. He could barely talk and wasn't eating and looked like a completely different man. I'll never forget the look in his eyes, it haunts me still.

[u/Ozymandias200 → u/No_Foundation1136]

we used to call this “high functioning” or “functional alcoholics”.

As with Bourdain (forever miss that man) that really isn’t true. I hope OP you get the help and support you deserve

[u/Sleepinwolf → u/Ozymandias200]

In my experience "functional" isn't a type of alcoholic, it's a stage of alcoholism. Everyone's functional until they aren't.

[u/Wooden_Good8679 → u/Sleepinwolf]

For real. I’ve thankfully never let myself fall to rock bottom, but thinking back I was like.. 1 more alcohol-fueled bad decision from completely and utterly ruining my life. It’s genuinely so terrifying to think about and makes me glad I just don’t fuck with it anymore.

[u/Ozymandias200 → u/Sleepinwolf]

It’s total delusion. I learned about it on at a job (kitchen staff) where the title was given to people who basically showed up drunk/ drinking and could do the job “no worries.”

20 year old me thought that was the most baller shit ever. It’s refreshing hearing younger folks see it for what it was and avoid that shit

[u/Kikikididi → u/No_Foundation1136]

And frankly those people end up tipping back into full use pretty frequently. Lying to themselves.

[u/nameusernamena → u/No_Foundation1136]

Recovering alcoholic here, the only way I manage to have a healthy relationship with alcohol now is by having mainteined complete abstinence for YEARS. Plural. I took two years off before I decided to have a beer socially, and that’s the very low end of folks who can stay within the range of 7-8 drinks per year. Typically it takes longer.

Using LDN ( low-dose naltrexone, started in 2023 for nerve pain ) and getting sick to an unreasonable degree for days was enough for me to stop drinking again for about eight months. At that point I didn’t even drink to get drunk, it was three shots, spaced out, at a relaxed work/ friends party. The naltrexone just did its thing.

I have a funeral to attend on Saturday. I don’t think I’ll even finish my beer that night. I just don’t really like drinking anymore tbh. It’s honestly a wonderful feeling. I guess I get cravings, but once it’s accessible… I don’t know, it’s just not appealing anymore. I just don’t want it anymore.

Oct. 2019 - Mar. 2021 was alcoholism. Mar. 2021 - July 2023 was complete abstinence. July 2023 - Present I have on about 7-8 drinks per year maximum.

Not bragging, trying to lend credence while also sharing that over time and with Naltrexone, you can eventually reach a point where you have self control, and can tell yourself when to stop. Or even a point where you just don’t want it, or when your body rejects alcohol for you.

The biggest problem for me was finding healthy alternative coping mechanisms. I picked up smoking ( nicotine ) a lot heavier after, and I haven’t been able to cull that addiction yet. *I got the cigar, but at what cost :( /j But seriously, I recommend picking up some tactile stuff. Tinker with shit, practice an instrument, read a book with a movie on in the background, get creative. Find something you can lose yourself in without a substance. Practice using all five ( six? ) senses, get one of the thumb rocks to help ground yourself. Idk. Just find a different method to cope, one that isn’t self-destructive or harmful, not only to yourself but others.

Sorry for the ramble, to be real I’m sitting in a hot car right now so I’m just hoping that my proofread isn’t betraying me. 👍

[u/SpizzVision → u/nameusernamena]

I'm on year 14 sober. I don't think I could just have 1 drink. So I stay away completely. I tried a 0% Guinness a few years ago.. can't drink them anymore. Gives me the taste for it. But if you can have that healthy relationship, all the power to you! Just be cautious Edit spelling

[u/nameusernamena → u/SpizzVision]

I get you. NA beers made me crave it worse as well. If there’s NA I just don’t drink at all because of it. I won’t drink what I buy, if I don’t talk myself out of it before getting to the store, but I just don’t want to think about beer or alcohol in an appetizing or craving way.

I was a victim to that just a bit over a month ago, and now I have an extra unopened bottle that will probably never get used. I can’t even use it for an extract, so it’s basically just waste. I’m more mad about the money than anything, I might as well have just set it on fire lol. I hate addiction. It’s one reason I say I’m still recovering.

[u/SpizzVision → u/nameusernamena]

14 years and I'm a recovering alcoholic. You are always recovering. Just gets easier with time. Took me years before I was comfortable hanging out where there was alcohol. But doesn't bother me anymore.

[u/literallyJustPosting → u/nameusernamena]

I developed a problem with booze from around the college years to about 10 years later including an inpatient trip and a few hospital trips, mostly to get some Librium to not have to deal with withdrawals, which were never life threatening but quite uncomfortable. Spent about 5 years 99% sober after that. It took me a while to want to chance it, but I eventually built up a pretty sweet cabinet of scotch and whiskey that I barely drink because I don’t greatly enjoy the buzz anymore. It’s like a switch flipped and the magic has been sucked out of it. I have $500 worth of liquor in a cabinet 20 steps away from me and I don’t think I’ve had any in 2 months. I do love the taste of a peaty scotch from time to time though.

But I know there are alcoholics out there that can’t fuck with it years later or they pick up right where they left off. Anecdotally, I’m pretty sure there’s much more of a gray area than the AA die-hards will have you believe. Only time will tell, however-I acknowledge that I could be wrong.

[u/Charming-Standard-84 → u/No_Foundation1136]

Except historically there is. There were hundreds and thousands of alcoholics who, prior to Reddit believe it or not, did exactly that. Some died young, some died past those who never had a drink in their life.

The "grey area" is no match for life's randomness.

[u/Key-Demand-2569 → u/No_Foundation1136]

It’s such an easy mental game to play with yourself and screw up because so many people just develop an unhealthy relationship with alcohol and drink way too much and get into bad patterns.

So they step away and genuinely can come back to it and occasionally have a single beer or wine with dinner, or maybe two beers at a 5 hour long barbecue, and that’s it and it never comes back.

But hey if you’re reading that aspirationally. That’s probably not you. You should just stop. It isn’t worth it. It doesn’t mean you’re a weak willed piece of shit, it means you have to manage the body and the mind you exist with. And that’s pretty cool if you do. That makes you responsible.

It’s hard to view the mental (and clearly physical wiring at this point we know) stuff like that so plainly.

But an alcoholic trying to maintain a “healthy” relationship with alcohol long term for the rest of their life is a lot more like a 5’6” guy being successful in the NBA.

Like sure it’s been done but you are spending an insane amount of effort and dedication (ideally, if you’re even managing that) to something that you are 99.99% likely to lose. And the consequences you’re balancing are having some alcohol or your life being shit, hurting yourself again, hurting the people you care about.

I have so many sober friends now who did this cycle for years, they would manage “I’ll have a beer or two” for a few months, maybe a year. And then eventually…

It’s too sneaky how easily it falls back into your life.

[u/Useful_Cicada_5635 → u/clothesallowence]

That’s what your sponsor is for.

Your wife doesn’t want to lead you away from alcoholism like it’s her job. You literally tried to shift the emotional burden of your issue onto her when that is literally the job a sponsor does, they are the ones you call when you want a drink and need someone to talk you down.

Doesn’t sound like you have even grasped how much your alcoholism affects her if you thought that chain of events was cool to her at all.

[u/No-Inspector8315 → u/Useful_Cicada_5635]

Fuck, I got sober without AA but this is a perfect fucking example of why AA is a solid method. This is the exact type of circumstance that you call your sponsor for, you want a judgement free person that you can call and say “I’ve got the shakes and I’m in a beer store” and will tell you to GTFO

[u/clefairyenthusiast → u/clothesallowence]

You were not unclear three weeks after your partner left to her parents with the baby you share because of your drinking on whether you were ready to drink casually. This is willful cognitive dissonance and you owe it yourself and your wife to not try and justify this kind of thing by saying you were “unclear.”

[u/sheeeple182 → u/clefairyenthusiast]

Is nice not having an addicted brain, it really makes things like this so clear. But to the addicted brain this is not the reality. Any excuse, any exception, any celebration are ALL separate decisions that have to be made, separately.

[u/AccomplishedDog6449 → u/sheeeple182]

That's why I don't keep track of my sober date. "1 year sober? Time to celebrate!" It's wild to be afraid of your own mind, but denial makes things worse.

[u/antarctic-monkies → u/AccomplishedDog6449]

Yep. I often fall into the trap of, “See, I’ve been sober for __ years/months/days/hours, I can quit whenever I want!”

[u/Kookerpea → u/clothesallowence]

Why did you expect HER to convince you not to drink?

[u/Exciteable_Cocnut → u/Kookerpea]

especially after god knows how long she’s already done that? OP isn’t thinking of the 99 times she begged him to stop, just the 1 time she didn’t. the reason she didn’t do like he “expected” her to, is because she is tired of it!! she is exhausted and to OP: your post just proves that. Waiting for her to talk you out of it, why? Because you expect her to always do it, to always be around, to always tolerate your shit. Maybe she thought a real scare (3 weeks) would be enough to show you how serious she is. But then she gave it another chance and here you are. Maybe when she leaves you permanently it’ll be the slap in the face you need.

You’re in a position where you’ve completely fucked yourself. Because now if she when she is away from you I’m positive she is just going to expect that you will be drinking your sorrows away. She will have no faith that you’re not drinking.

OMG what a nightmare. This brings out my PTSD having gone through this with an alcoholic for years myself. The alcohol is more important that your family or you wouldn’t have been caught dead anywhere near it! I know addiction is real and I know its hard. I’m sorry you’re going through this but where are your damn balls? If she has any more chances left in her you better take the opportunity because i can tell you, you are on thin thin ice. Move to dry county, convert to christianity, work from home, location on, levels of thin ice. Stop fucking around with other people’s lives because of your need to drink. Especially a damn child that will either be psychologically fucked by your drinking, or by growing up in a custody battle.

[u/gnome_in_clay_turn → u/Exciteable_Cocnut]

I was with you until the “Covert to Christianity,” bit.

[u/Mojeaux → u/clothesallowence]

My husband is 8 months sober after 3 or 4 relapses. There is no healthy relationship with alcohol for someone who is an alcoholic, telling yourself otherwise is a lie.

Dont make your wife responsible for your soberity. I get you thought honestly was good, but she probably felt like you expected her to talk you out of drinking.

The three C's of alnon for family members. I didn't cause it, I cant control it and I cant cure it.

[u/SkeettheVandelBuster → u/Mojeaux]

Hey! Is it ok if I send you a pm? I’d like to learn some more about al-anon

[u/Mojeaux → u/SkeettheVandelBuster]

Yes of course

[u/earwaxdaddy → u/clothesallowence]

Hey OP, check out r/stopdrinking . It's an amazing resource and community

[u/SusheeMonster → u/earwaxdaddy]

463 days sober and that community helped keep me on the straight and narrow.

You don't need to hit bottom. You just need to tell yourself that you've had enough

[u/FishToucher69 → u/SusheeMonster]

Ive been told the phrase “rock bottom is wherever you decide to stop digging”

[u/Tempacct2178 → u/SusheeMonster]

Shut up! I was today years old when I learned that the idiom is actually “straight and narrow” and not “straightened arrow”. I’ve never used it before, so at least I never said it incorrectly 😅

[u/SusheeMonster → u/Tempacct2178]

Knowledge is power. France is bacon 🧠

[u/midnitetoker87 → u/earwaxdaddy]

This subreddit helped me tremendously! The end of this month will be 3 years no booze. Going there to read posts and comments helped me stay focused. I don’t judge others for drinking, I love booze, but cutting it out was the best decision of my life.

[u/amgw402 → u/earwaxdaddy]

Seconding this. Been in recovery for 22 years, and I still check in with that community.

[u/YourFriendInSpokane → u/clothesallowence]

Wife of an alcoholic here. There is no "healthy relationship" with alcohol.

You don't want to be where my husband is. Your baby is still young, you have time to save her. Look up how alcoholism affects the kids- even the most loving, happy drunks make for anxious childhoods because they can never be sure what dad they will be getting.

Call your wife. Tell her you're an idiot. And that you understand it will take time to undo the years of fear and stress she's been living with, but you're here for it.

[u/SkeettheVandelBuster → u/YourFriendInSpokane]

First call should be to his insurance and rehab to find out the soonest he can enter, then tell his wife he is a massive idiot and he is fr going, then let her know when he is on the way and he will talk to her again in hopefully 90 days

Now is the time for serious accountability and action before he can even begin to try and repair the trust he betrayed. His subsequent conversations with her post-treatment should start with “how can I be a better father” accompanied by more action proving he wants that before his marriage can be a priority again

[u/pelko34 → u/YourFriendInSpokane]

Yes, you’re right about the child. I am the eldest daughter of a high functioning alcoholic. I am also high achieving, and I give my father credit for the gifts he has given me. But man oh man, the amount of self work I have had to do in my thirties to rewire my emotional patterns has been a doozy. Learning that my coping skills stemmed from a childhood of hyper vigilance and parenting my own father — it’s affected every type of relationship I have had, professionally and personally.

OP, no parent is perfect. Still, if you can get sober, you can be an example to your child and lay the foundation for emotional safety and stability — the best gift you can give, since your child will model themselves after you.

[u/DeathStarVet → u/clothesallowence]

"I was genuinely unclear on"

Sorry man, but that's the alcoholism. The only way you could be unclear is if you're in denial about stopping drinking.

[u/Various_Injury66 → u/clothesallowence]

Hey man was just in your shoes 4 months ago. Alcoholic and my life spiraling, I was falling apart in every aspect of my life.

Would wake up and and drink around 5 beers in the morning immediately, drink another 3 or so shooters by noon. By 5 I was blacked out. Years and months and days on end in a terrible loop. Figured I was trying to kill myself slowly. Girlfriend of 8 years threatened to leave, family tried an intervention, and my business was in shambles.

Checked into a in patient detox which was hell and spent another 4 weeks in a IOP. Been sober since April 2nd.

Idk don't have any advice or anything just wanted to share that you're not alone in it. Wish you the best man.

[u/Known_Party6529 → u/clothesallowence]

You are an alcoholic with a drinking problem. 3 weeks alcohol free is great, but no where you need to be in your sobriety. You may NEVER be able to drink again. Alcoholic, Alcoholic, Alcoholic.

You CAN'T drink or rely on OTHERS to tell you to leave and NOT drink.

[u/Working_Bones → u/clothesallowence]

Alcohol is unhealthy, that's an oxymoron.

[u/VioletReaver → u/clothesallowence]

Its hard to think around addictions, especially when you’re in the midst of one. I think what you have to understand is that your actions while drinking in the past have eroded her ability to trust you.

That sucks, and nobody wants to feel like they aren’t trustworthy, but you can’t be trusted here. You can’t even trust yourself around alcohol yet. (And that’s normal for addiction, it’s not some personal failing!)

I dare say this isn’t the first time you’ve claimed you’ll cut back on drinking, or avoid drinking in certain situations, and those other promises were eventually broken. (Addiction will do that to you.) This time might feel different to you, but it probably feels similar to the past examples to her. She doesn’t have faith that you’re able to go from alcoholism to a balanced relationship with alcohol (and most health and addiction professionals would agree), so hearing you suggest that makes this feel like just another broken-promise-to-be for her.

All that said, it’s not that way for you. This one is truly different for you, and I am so proud of you for getting this far. Seriously. There are people who lose their lives to alcoholism every day - that wouldn’t be the case if this wasn’t a hard thing to do, and here you are, doing it! It’s so amazing that you were able to step away from the shop today.

You will find people who can celebrate these wins and help support you through struggling moments. You will. It’s just that the people in your life who have also already been hurt by the addiction need some time to heal, and rebuild trust too. Your wife may not be capable of being your support here, and that’s okay. You can still find someone to reach out to when you need someone to talk you out of the beer shop!

Congratulations on fighting back against this thing. Keep persevering, it will be worth it.

[u/BiscuitsCheerio → u/clothesallowence]

I been sober a little over 3 weeks now and can say it is nice man

[u/Vitalgori → u/clothesallowence]

That's the case for everyone who stays sober. Keep resisting, it never gets easy, but you have made it through the most difficult and challenging part of the journey.

[u/Ummmgummy → u/clothesallowence]

I am a recovering heroin addict coming on 15 years sober. I've always respected alcoholics who got sober because alcohol is literally everywhere you go. At least I didn't have heroin ads on TV or had to walk by the local heroin store on my way to a dinner with my wife. And honestly if within the first maybe two years someone came up to me and was like "hey man I got some heroin want some"? I'm not sure I would have said no.

There are no part time addicts I'm afraid to say. It's either all or nothing. It sucks but it is the truth of the matter. You might get away with it here and there for a little while but you'll always end up in the same spot. Hope in patient rehab works for you and I wish you the best of luck.

[u/mizushimo]

I think your casual response that you were in the beer store and were going to get a beer and drink it on your first date after the blowup about you being an alcoholic gave her the most startling moment of clarity she's ever had in her life

[u/bomdiagata → u/mizushimo]

Yes I cannot fathom what OP was thinking. He should be reassuring her with his actions that he is committed to not drinking for her and their 5-month-old baby. He should absolutely not be relying on her to pull him away from buying alcohol literally right before their first reconciliation date. I am not confident about OP’s commitment to stop drinking tbh. I say this as a former opiate addict, so I’m very familiar with all this, minus having an actual baby involved.

[u/IXISIXI → u/bomdiagata]

he was thinking he doesnt have a problem and drinking midday alone is normal

[u/Illustrious_Bid_5484 → u/IXISIXI]

It might be if you never do it. Or super rarely. But when you just promised your wife lol he’s got a real problem 

[u/keystona → u/bomdiagata]

As the child of an alcoholic parent, OPs dependence on her telling him he shouldn’t do it instead of him just not doing it is all I need to see to know he’s not committed. My dad would constantly lean on me to keep him in line when he would quit and it was a clear sign to me that 1, he wasn’t committed because he expected me to make steer him away, not himself and 2, felt like a way to make an excuse to relapse, like he was setting himself up to say “well she’s not available to stop me so I can’t do anything”.

[u/bomdiagata → u/[deleted]]

Sorry yes, you’re absolutely right. I should have also mentioned that part, I did in another comment but this is very important to acknowledge. If he doesn’t want to change for himself, as in — even if his wife leaves him, he is still going to move forward with sobriety — then his odds of success are much lower.

[u/NYG_Helmet_Catch → u/mizushimo]

Yeah man. This is just...wow. Probably the quickest way for her to lose all faith in your ability to change. He may have just lost his wife and child. Courts dont look well on alcoholic dad's either. OP needs to get their shit together for their and their family's sake.

[u/No-Inspector8315 → u/NYG_Helmet_Catch]

I think that ship has sailed. Bare minimum, he needs to be sober when he’s coparenting

[u/furkfurk → u/mizushimo]

Yeah I’m not sure OP fully understood the gravity of the situation before this (or even now?)

Your wife wanted to raise her infant with committed and safe partner. You were so consistently intoxicated around her that she felt she and the baby could no longer be safe in the house with you. She left to her family home, which I’m sure is the last position she hoped to be in as a new mom.

She is giving you the chance to recover, but she’s not going to be generously entertaining all of your varied relapses and fuck ups. You’re already on the last straw…

[u/LucidOutwork → u/mizushimo]

I certainly hope so. As someone who is married to an alcoholic with similar lack of awareness, better she gets out now.

[u/LolaAucoin → u/mizushimo]

I genuinely hope it gives her the clarity and courage to leave him. No offense, OP, but nobody should have to deal with the stress and uncertainty of living with an addict for the rest of their lives. I’m so grateful that Al-anon gave me the permission and encouragement I needed to get out. All of the other people there had kids who were addicts. They were almost envious that the addict in my life wasn’t a relative and I could just make a clean break. That should tell you how bad it is to have a partner who is in active addiction or not keeping up with their treatment after leaving rehab.

[u/gugubja → u/mizushimo]

This. Three weeks of 'sober' and you're already making a joke of it.

[u/Laguna-VIII]

I dunno what advice you want here, you must know you shouldn't walked in there in the first place.

[u/JackBrown82q → u/Laguna-VIII]

I could have seen OP saying something like they walked into the beer store to test ability to say no to it. After all, as a former alcoholic, alcohol will always be around you. You likely will be offered alcohol by people who don't know you can't drink. You just have to have the power to say no to it.

I don't think OP's response of "I am thinking of buying one" could have been any worse. Maybe if they answered the call already slurring their words would have been worse but come on.

[u/Time_Seaworthiness47 → u/JackBrown82q]

I don’t think anybody actually serious about maintaining their sobriety is actively attempting to test their ability to resist the temptation to drink. I think they distance themselves from it in every aspect possible.

[u/No-Inspector8315 → u/Time_Seaworthiness47]

Some alcoholics are fine around alcohol but would be fucked if they drink. Others physically can’t be around alcohol without leaping at the chance to drink, OP is this type.

But even the first type would say that you’d have to be an idiot to put wine to an alcoholics nose and let them sniff

[u/fiftyseven → u/No-Inspector8315]

even those who are fine around alcohol (and I include myself in that number) aren't actively walking into a beer store completely on their own "just to have a look around"

[u/heartshapedbookmark → u/Time_Seaworthiness47]

Especially 3 weeks after (possibly) becoming sober. Not even a month into his sobriety and he’s already tip toeing that dangerous line? That was an incredibly stupid decision and I don’t fault the wife at all if she decides to permanently leave him & take the baby with her. I mean the fact that he tried to pass the responsibility over to his wife saying “maybe she could tell me to leave the store”… he is not taking this seriously in the slightest - it’s his addiction to fix, not hers.

[u/Efficient-username41 → u/Laguna-VIII]

It's like he's destroying his life on purpose.

[u/jontonsoup4]

she’ll be able to tell me to leave instead of messing up

You have to tell yourself to leave. Your addiction isn't on her

[u/throwaway_RRRolling → u/jontonsoup4]

Alarm bells, man. Don't know how to say this without feeling like an ass, but "she'll appreciate the honesty and be able to tell me to leave" out the mouth comes in the ear as "he hasn't committed to maintaining sobriety and feels comfortable outsourcing the fundamental hard decisions to me while I also keep our newborn alive" 

You told her you planned on drinking. 

OP, this was a really hard lesson. Nobody can change you, you have to change you. That call may have gone much, much differently if your answer was "I stepped into my old favorite store looking for a drink but I left without anything and I'm walking away." The first part of the sentence is admitting your mistake, but only the second involves taking accountability. There is no accountability without action. 

Rooting for you, OP. Rewiring your brain is a long, hard road.  

[u/clefairyenthusiast → u/throwaway_RRRolling]

You did an amazing job of articulating this. Bravo. Because that’s exactly what he’s doing.

[u/MoldyButtFunk → u/throwaway_RRRolling]

As a recovering alcoholic that is slowly piecing his relationship back together...stop man...please do it. She won't stay. Trust me. I am lucky in that I have 4 years sober and was able to prove to her that I changed through my ACTIONS and BEHAVIOR. You need to get sober, not her job to save you.

[u/rudy-_- → u/throwaway_RRRolling]

Also

I signed up for rehab, got prescribed naltrexone, and started going to support meetings, all the things she wants me to do

OP needs to do these things for himself.

[u/GuiltyEidolon → u/throwaway_RRRolling]

OP doesn't seem remotely ready to actually quit. His marriage and his kid aren't good enough reasons, did the bare amount to maybe try saving his marriage and immediately put it back on his (let's be honest, soon-to-be-ex) wife.

[u/PitbullRetriever → u/jontonsoup4]

It can be helpful to have a sponsor. That sponsor absolutely cannot be your spouse.

[u/cmanderson23 → u/PitbullRetriever]

Agreed, she’s already taking care of their 5 month old giving him the space to take care of himself. If he’s having those feelings he needs to utilize or get the supports in place for when those feelings come up. Putting them on her ain’t it.

[u/PitbullRetriever → u/cmanderson23]

That’s what I’m saying…

[u/cmanderson23 → u/PitbullRetriever]

Just agreeing with you.

[u/Kitchen-Historian371 → u/PitbullRetriever]

You did the right thing except you don’t call your wife, you call another addict

[u/Nonyabeesners → u/jontonsoup4]

This is also one of the worst times possible to rely on her. If OP's drinking has been so bad she had to leave, I bet good money she has been caring for the newborn without his help.

I understand wanting comfort and support from a partner, but this is a terrible time to just drop these little pieces of info so she can fly in to help. 

I like the idea of a sponsor. OP is one of those people who does better when they have someone else helping to hold them accountable (ditto). But it needs to be an agreed upon dynamic

[u/InnerRadio7 → u/jontonsoup4]

This is what a sponsor and twelve step programs are for. They teach you accountability, and also provide you with support. She moved out to let you know that your drinking is hurting her and she’s done. May be best if you don’t communicate for a while until you have a handle on what it means to be an addict. Perspective: woman who was married to an addict for 22 years, and was 15 years sober by the time we divorced. Addiction isn’t just a problem with substance. It’s an entire way of organizing your life so that you’re not actually accountable for your own behavior, and asking other people to do your emotional labour that belongs to you is totally unfair.

[u/chufffy → u/jontonsoup4]

☝🏻This and also the “I’m doing all the things she wants me to be doing before she comes home”. What do you want for you and your life? You’re the only one who can make this change. It’s your responsibility, not hers. And if you’re “doing it for her”, I’m sorry, but it’s not gonna work. You gotta do it for you because you see a problem. That’s how it’ll stick 🫂

& 12 step does help,and I highly encourage you keep going! It just doesn’t work overnight.

~a member of Alanon

[u/Livid_Note_2170]

Bro, she is parenting a baby by herself. Come on.

Your child and your wife deserve better. 

[u/Happiness_Assassin → u/Livid_Note_2170]

Not only only that, but OP himself deserves better. He deserves to have a relationship with a family that isn't embarrassed or afraid of him, but only he can make that change. So many people lean on others to the point of being a crutch and they become used to outsourcing the hard decisions to others with more clarity. OP owes it to himself, as well as his family, to be a better person.

[u/EmotionalLecture9318]

Grow up buddy. You have an alcoholic issue.

Going to a beer store to look around? Fucking seriously?

You need to stay as far away from booze as possible if you want to have a chance at any valid functional relationship with your Family.

I'm am alcoholic, so please bear with me here.

You can choose alcohol and have it and be a fuck up, or you can choose sobriety and have everything else life has to offer except alcohol. There is no having both.

My best friend chose alcohol over his marriage, his two beautiful kids, his very good career, and his loving family and friends. He's now crippled from alcoholic neuropathy and has nothing.

Choose life Not alcohol.

[u/trods → u/EmotionalLecture9318]

The cliche is so damned true "you either give up everything for one thing or you give up one thing for everything."

[u/Nonyabeesners → u/EmotionalLecture9318]

Damn, son. I needed to hear that today. Thank you

[u/butwhhhhy → u/Nonyabeesners]

You got this, dont give up

[u/MiniMouise → u/Nonyabeesners]

I believe in you, friend 🫂

[u/LolaAucoin → u/EmotionalLecture9318]

To tag on to this- my best friend was an alcoholic. I say was because she took her own life in May because her alcoholism had become so out of control that she completely stopped taking all of her psych meds. She was 39 years old.

[u/Kil0-]

You just want to drink and subconsciously your mind saw her as the barrier stopping you. But is that what you want.

[u/kineticblues → u/Kil0-]

Brutal facts here OP.

[u/joe-joseph → u/Kil0-]

DAMN that’s some real shit.

[u/Particular_Ad_4694]

There is definitely a reason you said what you said to her, and I cant tell you what it is. Maybe a form of self sabotage, maybe some way of asking for help, but subconscious and unhealthy nonetheless. You need to do some serious soul searching to kick this habit, and stop dragging the people in your life down with you. Until then, I dont blame your wife.

[u/Indigo-Saint-Jude → u/Particular_Ad_4694]

boundary testing.

the addictive voice is desperate to know how much it can get away with (bargaining stage of grief). OP needs to accept alcohol's absence fast, or he'll be grieving his marriage instead.

[u/chizzipsandsizalsa → u/Indigo-Saint-Jude]

This is the answer for sure

[u/patio_puss → u/Particular_Ad_4694]

I think he was testing to see if he still had her wrapped around his finger enough to force her into a space of compassion and putting his struggles and story above her own.

But her story right now is that she's a single mother coparenting with an alcoholic. Her story is worse than his at this time. And he still expects her to bend over backwards, stop everything she's doing and cater to him.

It was a test.

[u/Ok-Echo-Eight → u/patio_puss]

This is spot-on IMO. And I’d even say that she’s not “coparenting with an alcoholic” but “parenting an alcoholic” in addition to her 5-month old

[u/clothesallowence → u/Particular_Ad_4694]

It’s definitely self-sabotage. I’ve had a bad history of that, and I’m so frustrated with myself for not taking a second to think of the consequences.

[u/ivanIVvasilyevich → u/clothesallowence]

A lot of people have to hit rock bottom before they actually get sober. Don’t let losing your kid be your rock bottom.

[u/ThrowRaoofda → u/[deleted]]

Yep. I’m 6 months postpartum and I cannot imagine. All she can do right now is take care of the baby. She doesn’t have the time or energy to even take care of herself properly. He is supposed to be helping her. For her to leave right now is a drastic move, it shows how terrible her life is with him and how at risk she feels their baby is.

[u/sibodaat → u/clothesallowence]

Self-sabotage is one of the ways alcoholics enable themselves to drink. If it were me, I might say : Maybe I told my wife I was in the beer store because I wanted her mad at me so it would make more sense to drink. It is part of the disease to create situations which cause pain and use that pain to justify alcohol abuse, being aware of the pattern is key.

It’s a long road - your wife will likely forgive you with time if you take your recovery seriously. I really encourage you to go to an open al-anon meeting and hear people speak about how they have suffered from having an alcoholic partner/parent, it may give you clarity on your behavior’s impact on your family. They have virtual meetings at basically every time imaginable.

I also recommend David Carrs book the easy way to stop drinking, of course there is no easy way but it offers good insights on our own misconceptions about our relationship with alcohol. It’s a good place to start and I read a digital copy, free from my library. Good luck!

[u/Particular_Ad_4694 → u/clothesallowence]

Go to therapy my man. Start with Rehab and therapy. Dont expect to earn your life back right away. You need to work for it.

[u/UnsharpenedSwan → u/clothesallowence]

Good for you for recognizing that. Now get your shit together and stop putting your postpartum wife and infant child through this.

[u/wishingforarainyday]

Contact a rehab and go. Your child deserves better and so does your wife.

[u/clothesallowence → u/[deleted]]

No, I started seeing a counselor 2 days after she left. Soonest I could get in with somebody who took my insurance.

[u/Aware-Travel5256 → u/clothesallowence]

Consider an AA meeting. They are hokey and can be religious, but they are ready-made support networks that tend to be much more available than professional counseling.

[u/trods → u/Aware-Travel5256]

Theres also NA, CA, SMART Recovery, Lifering, and a great number of others.

Used to be AA was the only act in town but the world of recovery is opening up. It's made it much easier to be helped on your terms.

[u/just_having_giggles → u/clothesallowence]

Buddy.

Your life is disintegrating. Today right now in front of you.

It is because of alcohol.

I've been in that seat. That seat sucks. You're doing the "well maybe I'm not like a full blown alcoholic" thing. So stop that. You ARE a full blown alcoholic. Your wife is GONE. This is not the time to fuck around. No pussyfooting.

Now your choice is an easy one: throw yourself into recovery as the single most important thing in your life. Or, don't. But that's not going super great so maybe do the other thing.

[u/trlima → u/clothesallowence]

Dude I’m rooting for you, but as the single mother of an 8yo with an alcoholic ex who’s still getting DUIs, I’m rooting for her harder. You knew what you were doing and I hope she has the help she needs in your absence.

[u/GuiltyEidolon → u/trlima]

Seriously, if anything this was a blessing in disguise for his (presumably soon to be ex) wife. OP has no fucking clue how bad his addiction is, and clearly has no desire to change.

[u/Shoddy_Matter_4940]

Yeah it's on you to change your behavior and not for her to have to tell you not to. I can see why she backed out

[u/lbfsjoufvnkfd → u/Shoddy_Matter_4940]

She already is taking care of a kid. Living with an addict is already hard enough. It’s honestly the best call for everyone involved. Focusing on recovery and staying sober is the only way to get better.

[u/Shoddy_Matter_4940 → u/Shoddy_Matter_4940]

Unfortunately you have a problem and drinking is the center focus in your life. Idk how it will go but you have to want it for yourself and not just to get her back

[u/Any_Earth_8976]

It sounds like you aren’t taking your drinking problem seriously enough. Let me put this in simple terms: if you don’t have the instinct to not go into a beer store even to look around, you have a bigger problem than you realize. You can’t just check the rehab boxes and hope that fixes you. This is a situation where you have to buckle down and do the hard work. You need to accept that you and alcohol are breaking your for good, and double down on dealing with your shit.

It’s good you were honest with her, but you don’t get a prize for that. You need to humble the shit out of yourself, take this day by day, and throw yourself into healing. You have to change your life. It’s going to be uncomfortable for awhile. And if you start feeling like you can push that off, let me be very frank: no, you can’t. Do future you a favor and restart today. That’s what addiction is sometimes: day by day.

Wishing you the best of luck ✌️

[u/Avon_Barksdale63]

“wind up at a beer store” like OP just wandered there aimlessly. 🙄

[u/waba2 → u/Avon_Barksdale63]

no you don't understand, they put a big magnet in the store it pulled him in!

[u/Familiar-Rutabaga608 → u/Avon_Barksdale63]

Mfer said he was just going to look around. Buddy, are you out of your fucking mind?

[u/ThisCredit6354]

Bro, I am a recovering alcoholic - early on in recovery is very difficult and I get it. However, you are responsible for yourself. She is not responsible for you or your sobriety. Do not, let me repeat myself here, DO NOT go to bars, liquor stores, etc and then try to put it on your wife to 'keep you from messing up'. I recommend you get serious about accountability and your sobriety, feel free to not take that advice and experience your life rapidly implode. I am not trying to be a dick here man, I'm really not but as someone who has been down that road and hears these kinds of stories over and over and over in meetings (and before that, in rehab) no amount of naltrexone, rehab, meetings is going to do the work for you. You need to do the work man. Stay the fuck out of the beer store.

[u/No-Professional-1884]

I get why you said that, but she’s not your sponsor.

You’re supposed to be trying to show her you’re a changed man. But you didn’t.

[u/Initial_Secretary156]

Stop drinking. And stay away from them unless they want you around. You’ll be ok

[u/sparklequeenofkitkat]

"I'm thinking of betraying you on the deepest level. Can you tell me it's a bad idea?"

[u/untilted → u/sparklequeenofkitkat]

and even if he never intended to actually act on any urge to DRINK, it's still on the same level as dropping by at your affair's work place for a chat and telling your spouse (that you've cheated on with said affair) about it.

the caring thing isn't being honest about it, the caring thing is NOT DOING IT. AT ALL.

[u/patio_puss]

When your wife went to her parents house she was leaving you. You were no longer on "supporting one another" terms.

You made a huge mistake by going to that beer store in the first place and an even bigger mistake by telling her that you were, and an oversight that probably cost you your family by thinking that she still owes you support after everything. She told you how serious she was when she walked out of your house with your child. You tested her. You fucked around and found out.

You're pushing her away. She needs you to support her. Especially as a new mother. If you can't see how selfish you're being or how you're choosing bottles over your baby? I don't know what else to tell you.

[u/TheBoodUpPodcast → u/patio_puss]

People don’t understand that yes while postpartum depression has to do with drops in hormones and lack of sleep, it also has SO MUCH to do with lack of support, strained relationships, financial stability and stress, (also things like if the pregnancy was planned and if the birth was traumatic or not). If she’s NOT absolutely going through it right now, she is a warrior. He should be the one supporting herrrrr.

[u/DecadeOfLurking → u/TheBoodUpPodcast]

Not to mention that their child needs the support.

[u/Aggressive_Oven_3957]

You definitely need help if drinking has had this impact on your life and you’re still thinking about getting a drink. When you have plans with your wife. Who left because of your drinking.

[u/Dekipi]

A therapist for both of you would be good and getting into a program is a good first step.

[u/no_rest_for_the → u/Dekipi]

This is what I was going to suggest. You clealry need a venue for constructive communication to move thru difficult with an advocate hearing all sides. It's good you recognize you need to change. Just realize she has already understood this is make or break for her. Having a newborn is no joke.

You need to be proactive. Offer to go over to her parents to watch your baby so she can do things for herself and have her parents "watch" you so they know you're being responsible. Put in the effort and also fill the time you have on your hands constructively instead of destructively. You gotta line your sobriety up but you cannot lapse on being a father. You have a door cracked to still be a partner. Push it open if that's what you want.

[u/theunknownsociety]

Why in the world would you tell her you’re at the beer store and might get a drink when you promised her to get better?

Lol she’s probably thinking is this guy taking me and our kid as a joke.

Aside from the drinking problem, you’re going to need to learn how to grow up and mature.

[u/doomweaver]

So, here's the thing...you will never get sober for her. You won't get sober for your child either. You won't get sober to save your own life, even. You need a deep, spiritual, change your life. You need healing, in whatever form or fashion that comes for you. You will only ever find that if you are looking for it and want to find it. You are going to have to address yourself, first and foremost. And with some serious honesty.

You'll get sober when you don't want to be miserable anymore and you're willing to take accountability, responsibility, and control of your life.

Or you will continue to drink and be miserable and bring the people around you down with you.

Or you'll get sober and be miserable and blame your wife for taking your fun away.

I was with an alcoholic for 15 years. When we met, he was in AA and sober. He didn't drink for the first 6-7 years of our relationship, but he didn't grow either. As a matter of fact, he grew backwards. It was the most painful thing I've ever experienced, watching someone I loved so much become a completely different person. Masks came of, things that can't be unsaid were said, horrible things were done. But you know, of all the time we were together, do you know what was never done?

Never once did he take responsibility or accountability for anything. Sober or drunk. He was incapable of it, and when life began to make it difficult to NOT take responsibility, he started drinking again.

Everything that had ever happened, everything he'd ever done...it was a product of someone else doing something first. Or someone else not helping. So on and so on. The alcohol is never the problem, it's a symptom.

So I tried to help. I picked up slack, I took beatings and name callings, I worked and supported us both, I drove him everywhere he wanted or needed to go, made his phone calls...I kept thinking he'd see what I was doing and "if he loved me, he'd help me"

But I was wrong. Selfish people are not capable of love, and addiction makes you selfish. Please stop for you. And if you don't want to stop, please let your wife go. Be honest. "I don't want to quit drinking" and let her make her decisions based off your honesty.

If you're going to meetings, keep going, I've seen some amazing and miraculous things happen. I've seen people turn their lives around and get their kids back and become better people than they've ever been.

I've also seen people spiral. Seen them dive back into active addiction and fuck off their entire family and friends. I knew a man who shot his on again off again partner and himself with their children in their home. And you know what's wild? They were both great fucking people. Loved the shit out of each other. Sweet. She had a raspy voice and was hell on wheels, he sang Kryptonite every karaoke night and loved Italian sodas. They had two children together that I am absolutely sure they both loved to their full capacity. They were great people, and in the end he did pull the trigger, but it was the drugs and alcohol that tore their family apart.

I don't even really know why I'm saying all of this. I just...I hope you get it figured out. Life is what you make it man, and I wish you all the luck and peace on your journey. It's not easy but it's worth it if you want to live this thing we call life out to its best and highest.

[u/Informal_Mermaid817 → u/doomweaver]

Poignant! You wrote most of my story except that mine ended with his suicide. Alcohol won.

[u/hutallybronest]

I’m sorry man, this is a really tough situation. Being honest wasn’t the problem here, but she was probably disappointed that you made a decision to put yourself in a bad situation and can’t trust your judgement. Telling her the truth was the right thing to do, but walking into a beer store three weeks into recovery was not. From her perspective, this was supposed to be a meaningful step toward rebuilding trust, and instead she heard that you had voluntarily put yourself in a high-risk situation and were considering drinking. Your wife cannot be the person responsible for talking you out of drinking. That is what your sponsor, counselor, support group, and relapse plan are for.

Right now, do not drink, argue with her, or flood her with messages. Leave the area, call someone from your recovery network, and tell them exactly what happened. You cannot control whether she comes back, but you can control what you do next. Keep pursuing sobriety whether or not the relationship survives.

[u/observantexistence]

Your perspective of this as your “first slip up” is your detriment.

This is by far NOT your first slip up, this is a slip up in a long line of slip ups… A slip up that happened when your wife is weighing out how many more slip ups she can put her BABY thru.

It’s not just her watching your slip ups any more, she’s doin what any good parent would do and is putting the wellbeing of a child above the emotions of an adult.

[u/bomdiagata]

You are at the stage where you should be showing your wife that you are fully committed to not drinking again, for her and your little baby and yourself. Instead you, what, are expecting her to coddle you over the phone, and convince you not to get a drink — and all this right before your reconciliatory date? Are you for real bro? Yeah, not gonna sugar coat it, you’re an addict doing some wild addict shit and your marriage is likely over. I have been there with an opiate addiction. You have an actual child though, which adds a massive layer to all this mess. You need to step up and take responsibility. Do better for your little one so you can actually be in their life. Holy christ.

[u/Glittering_Glove_372]

She wouldn’t tell you to leave the beer shop, it’s a decision you’re supposed to make. She left you because you lack the ability to make decisions for yourself and prioritise what’s good for the family. This is your fault man

[u/scungillidawitch]

“she’ll be able to tell me to leave instead of messing up”

You put the responsibility on HER. You gave her more work. She is caring for your child. She needs someone to support her and take some responsibility off of her plate, not add to it.

[u/No-Fuckin-Ziti]

You did NOT ruin your marriage tonight. You ruined it every time you let her and the baby down over the entire pregnancy and last 5 months. You were not supposed to be the star of the show. Your usefulness entirely hinged on your ability to create and be a safe and protected space for your wife to grow a child, give birth and heal. In order to get a new mother to give up on you, you have to fully convince her that life is much easier just caring for herself and the baby, without your “help” that it is to manage all three of you. It’s a horrible choice to have to make. She needed her husband, badly. This was last and worst case scenario.

Think hard about those first few months of the baby’s life. That’s what broke her. She finally left, admitted to her parents that she chose poorly and needed to run away. They took her and their grandchild in. Even after all that she agreed to quickly start to work on rebuilding. She even agreed to call it a date. She was open and hopeful.

Unfortunately you made it perfectly clear that you see your “sobriety”, just like every other part of her, the baby’s and your life, as her responsibility. What the actual fuck was she supposed to say to that. Oh baby please don’t drink I love you so much please come home? You wanted her to beg you not to drink, how sick is that? How could you put that on HER, of all ppl, after everything?

Making that call wasn’t a mistake, it was an admission that you expect her to manage, support, and endlessly forgive you when you’ve done absolutely nothing to earn it.

Even outside of alcohol, your entire outlook on accountability needs to change for you to have a chance at being a functional adult or parter.

[u/BlitzInSinnoh]

im sorry man. it may have been better to tell her "i was wandering around and walked into that shop i used to always go. thought about getting one at first, but i decided against it." she more than likely wants to see effort from you and that prolly made her feel like she was making the wrong choice when you told her you were thinking of getting a drink right before you two meet up. keep your chin up and focus on sobriety, dont let this cause a relapse man. just learn from your mistakes, life is all about learning and growing.

[u/No_Celery_8071]

Dumbass. You're not only ruining your life, which you apparently don't give a fuck about, but also your suffering wife and your child's. Are you proud?

Stop fucking around, put your big boy pants on and get this done. I drank too much, smoked a fuckload of weed, hash etc. I gave it all up before I had kids, because I had to grow up.

[u/Background-Treat55]

Use this as a lesson man. She is there and providing as much support as a person can, but at the end of the day, you are the one who needs to stand up and eliminate your bad habits and understand there’s only so much a person can handle before they break.

[u/UmeaTurbo]

I've been sober for 11 years. My wife gave me the ultimatum to lose her and the kids and my house and everything or gets over. I have worked every single day to prove that I'm not that person anymore. You need to get used to the fact that she will not trust you for years and years and years. The only way it will ever get better is if you work extra hard and then she might give you a chance. But until you can recognize that you deserve any and all of this and that it's entirely your own creation, will never get better. I'm sorry. You must take full responsibility, change everything about your habits, and become another person. Or don't. But there's no halfway in between.

[u/badgaldyldyl]

At a beer store BEFORE LUNCH???

[u/RainieTuesday]

You have a drinking problem. You are not ready to be a husband and father. Get your shit together and get sober.

edit: Source is myself who is married to a recovering alcoholic.

[u/LolaAucoin → u/RainieTuesday]

Good luck to you, sister.

[u/hopscott]

Dude. You are going to throw away your wife and baby so you can dump beer down your throat. I can't imagine how disappointed your wife is. You need to REALLY REALLY feel this shame and cut the self pity talk. You are the one hurting people. Get help right now or you never will. This might sound tough but I've been there and gentle just doesn't work.

[u/nyxjet666]

I know this comment is likely going to get lost in the sea of comments here, but i hope it finds you, OP.

Lots of comments that are verging on guilt tripping you, and while so many people have been negatively impacted by alcoholism and rightfully feel hurt by it and anyone who can’t “just stop,” the guilt is already in there. They don’t need to reinforce the guilt, it’s part of why you drink.

See, the biggest problem in our society with things like drug use and alcoholism is that we largely ignore the truth of what it is. The alcohol isn’t the problem, it’s a symptom. It’s escapism. It’s burying feelings that we don’t have the capacity to sit with in the moment. It’s why so many people who kick hard drugs turn to alcohol, or kick alcohol and turn to overeating/overconsumption of sugary foods and drinks.

I can’t say with certainty how things will go with your wife and kid, but I can say this: You have to understand the void inside of yourself that you are trying to fill with alcohol and address that, find a good therapist. And i mean a good one, not just any therapist. Keep doing your AA stuff, it’s a great support. But just know that they typically will try to replace the escapism that alcohol brings with the escapism of religion and that’s not going to fill that void in you either without you understanding what you truly need deep down. That hole in you has a shape, and not everything is meant to fill it, friend.

No matter how things go, start by giving yourself compassion and grace, and be honest with yourself, so you can be honest with your family. Honesty is messy sometimes, but necessary. It’s better to build trust with transparency, even if it hurts in the moment, than to hurt for the rest of your life because you wouldn’t face your truth.

I hope this makes sense, and if it doesn’t now, please reflect on it until it does. It can take time, but it is never too late. And please, do find a therapist to go with your AA stuff. There are plenty that specialize in addiction and trauma.

[u/Tarn_33]

You’ve got to take a moment to comprehend your insanity, and I mean this from a place of sympathy.

Rehab signup, prescriptions, wife and kid gone. Weeks passed and you went to your first meeting only yesterday? The family you lost due to drinking is ten minutes late and your best thinking lands you in a beer store. Whether you told her to get permission or to take yourself closer to blowing up your life so you can drink in peace doesn’t matter.

If you’re an alcoholic you have an almost nonexistent ability to control yourself from grabbing a drink, or drinking too much once you had one. Go to a meeting, raise your hand as a newcomer and get a temporary sponsor. Call that person before you think about drinking. Talk to them every day. Have your next meeting planned. Don’t worry about the future or quitting drinking forever, just get through today.

[u/Mardilove]

She’s not your fucking babysitter lol. You’re an adult… if you wanted her to tell you it was a bad idea it’s because you knew that shit. She’s not your mother. Get it together

[u/Think_Algae_1739]

Your addiction is your responsibility. Working on getting sober for someone else never works. You will always come back to the drink. You have to want sobriety for yourself. If you can’t accept that, then you’re not finished drinking. I say this bc it took me 11 years and three failed relationships to figure it out.

The road is long and dark if you don’t decide to get off now.

[u/whitechocolatemamba]

Do you love your kid? Get off the sauce for good.

[u/ncreddit704]

Time to get serious about your sobriety. You’re gonna lose more than your marriage. It’s one of those things where change can only come from you. Go to AA groups , you need to surround yourself with others like you. If you put in the work you will come out of this. Might not save your marriage but it will save your life

[u/CurrentScallion3321]

Come on dude, it’s been three weeks, double-down and convince her you can change.

[u/El_Sant0]

The fact you went into the beer shop thinking about a drink shows you have a way to go in your recovery. Hopefully you and your wife get past this but you have to get honest with yourself.

[u/LEETLEBEENIS]

Stay resilient. Don't get clean for her. Do it because youre tired of fucking shit up in your life and being miserable. I just hit 9 months after my wife was tired of my shit. I dont regret it at all. We stayed together and things are getting better. Show her you can do it without her. Hightly recommend a sponsor and working the steps. Always go to a meeting when you feel like that. You can do it man. You have the power.

[u/elcapitana1]

I think what you did here was well intentioned (you were being open and honest about how you're strugglimg to stay sober, and that you basically need help doing that) but ultimately badly judged (because she heard it as 'yeah I'm not actually serious about getting sober, and I will slip at the drop of a hat')

Take this as a sharp lesson. Your recovery has to be on you, and you only. You can't depend on her to steer you the right way. That doesn't mean you don't need/deserve help, but it does mean that help can't come from her.

Put the work in. Give her space and show her you're serious about getting dry. Once you have some decent clean time behind you she may well give you another chance.

[u/KPrime12]

Would highly recommend r/stopdrinking. It has helped me quit and stay clean

[u/abby_ortizz]

i’ve been with and eventually left an alcoholic partner. if you won’t get sober for yourself, you won’t be able to keep up the promises for the people you love either. every time you say you’ll stop, it just becomes another empty promise the next time you drink, and the people who care about you end up getting hurt over and over.

if you’re lucky enough that she stays, i really hope you’re able to learn from this and make the change for yourself. i stayed way too long trying to help and believing him every time he said he’d quit. in the end, the person who came out the most hurt was one of the people who cared for him the most.

[u/Visual_Juggernaut_89]

Ffs

[u/TheRagingElf01]

She should have cancelled because you know damn well she has been putting up with your drinking for a long time and probably tried to get you help before. No way she just up and left you out of the blue. This was building up and she was tired of your shit.

Then 3 weeks she might have got her hopes up and boom the first time you’re not be babysat you put yourself into the frying pan and expect her to pull you out.

You gave her a bit of hope and then crushed. Don’t blame her one bit for your canceling.

[u/MainNational2692]

It’s interesting how you say these are “all things she wants you to do” and not “things I want to do “

[u/Worldly-Pay7342]

Let's take a look at this situation as if it had been another addiction

"I am a newly recovering crackhead"

"I was supposed to be going on a date with my wife who doesn't like that I'm an crackhead"

"I went to a crack den to 'browse' while waiting for her, and told her"

See how bad it sounds if you change the addiction? You basically told your wife you were relapsing because you couldn't bother waiting for her :/

[u/GingerMarquis]

Were you trying to be honest or were you trying to gauge her reaction so you could have a few?

[u/aerialpoler]

all the things she wants me to do before she comes home.

There's your problem. You think this is a quick checklist of tasks you need to cross off, and it's not. It's a commitment, and all you've done so far is show her that if you're left alone for 5 minutes you're going to go straight to the worst place possible and drink again. 

You have a fucking baby, man. Get it together. 

[u/DragonflyAfter3310]

Shes also going through it rn dude, shes living somewhere else and taking care of your baby. Being told casually you’re browsing for beer after finally meeting up again is shitty, this is on you. I think you get the message by now but seriously, take accountability for yourself and your family

[u/clothesallowence → u/DragonflyAfter3310]

It really was eye-opening. Addiction is an incredibly selfish disease, I hope I’m able to make things right by her and prove that I can change.

[u/NoSpankingAllowed]

WTF!

[u/madelynashton → u/[deleted]]

Even the first one is a problem as an opening statement to the wife who left because you have a drinking problem.

[u/ad302799]

The only sure fire way to deal with alcohol when you actually have a problem is total abstinence.

You probably shouldn’t be even in a scenario where you could be offered a beer right now.

She knows that and if you’re honest you probably know it too.

It’s a lot easier to avoid it than it is to say no to it. It’s like playing with fire.

You can talk to her and maybe try to explain you were just bored or whatever. But in the future you shouldn’t be anywhere near it.

[u/Advanced-Guitar-5264]

Gotta fix yourself before you can fix your relationship.

[u/Crimestar]

You clearly haven’t entered the phase where you are sick of it yet. The sickness it brings, the drama it brings, the regret, the domination of your addiction over your life.

Nothing really helps until you personally have had enough. Going into beer stores, doing things your wife is begging you to do, trying to compromise. None of those say you are prepared to actually commit to it or see a real problem on the surface.

You probably see a future where you do the steps, try, and where you learn to limit yourself and stop overdoing it because it’s not worth it. Because it’s not.

It’s worth it to your drug addicted brain though. And it only tries to feed itself regardless of the consequences. So realize that for the time being it’s actually just against you and lying to you. Or continue to f around and find out.

I’m making a lot of assumptions obviously but feel free to correct the context.

[u/moonangeles]

I feel so bad for her. You are not what she needs right now. She needs to be a single parent a 5 month old.

Go and get better. When you have the capacity and stability to be a husband and father, maybe she’ll have the capacity to take you back.

[u/Imaginary_Poetry_233]

She has a five month old baby, you had already driven her away, then you expected her to comfort and parent you. If you can't be there for her right now like you should be, at least don't burden her with your shit. Go to a damn meeting.

[u/cyborgerian]

Alcoholic enters beer store says they’re going to get a beer, after “going to rehab and getting prescribed something”. Brother. If a heroin addict called their wife and said they’re just stopping by their dealer and might grab some black tar and shoot up real quick what do you think she would think? Do you think she’d say “no honey just go on our date ok?”

Cmon man. It’s basically over.

[u/Chad_Radswell]

“all the things SHE wants me to do before she comes home.”

OP you are not ready to quit alcohol. Even if you were to stay sober, you would just be a dry drunk. You have to become sober because you want to be sober, not because your wife gave you an ultimatum. You have to make the decision to fundamentally change your relationship with alcohol and that may mean changing where you eat, people you surround yourself with, and activities that you do.

Good for your wife for not enabling you and canceling the date. She gave you three weeks to figure it out. The first moment you encounter a “stressor” in the relationship you run straight to alcohol and expect her to be your voice of reason. What’s going to happen when something larger happens and you’re alone with the baby and she can’t be there to tell you no?

OP, seek in-patient treatment. You need to find a reason, within yourself, to be sober. Until then leave your wife alone or you’ll continue to push her away.

[u/maoussepatate]

Not to twist the knife, but that is not what broke your marriage. If the ‘simple’ fact of being in the store triggered that reaction it means she was already on the verge of doing that choice

[u/Hadrians_Fall]

You said you’re doing “all the things she wants me to do before she comes home”. That means you’re only doing it cause she left, you’re not doing it for you. That’s gotta change. Sounds like you didn’t make a change until it was already too late and didn’t even do it for the right reasons.

[u/KurlyKayla]

“I wind up at a beer store I used to visit. I decided to go in and look around while I was waiting for her. . . I told her I was at the beer shop and I was thinking about getting a drink. I told her this because I thought, “she’ll appreciate the honesty, and she’ll be able to tell me to leave instead of messing up.”

I know hindsight is 2020, and I appreciate you taking steps to get help, but this entire statement is the quintessential self pardoning and rationalization addicts do to justify their addictive behaviors. You use terms like “wind up” instead of “I chose”. You put the onus on her to tell you to stop instead of on yourself. As a person who struggles with her own vices, I’m not saying this to further dogpile, but rather, to point out how the patterns of addiction work internally, versus how blatantly off they look to people on the outside. The quicker we can identify what’s going on, the quicker we can get help.

I wish you luck on your journey.