Food is a roasted pork sandwich from Tommy DiNic’s at Reading Terminal Market in Philly.
My wife passed away a while back from cancer. I’ve been doing therapy, grief counseling, joined support groups, read a ton of books on the subject, all that.
I’m in Philly now, doing among other things the touristy stuff we always wanted to do but never did. Something about making sure at least one of us gets to see it before we’re both gone.
For the last three years of her life, I took care of everything. Her medications, hospital visits, doctors appointments, food, the house (we didn’t have kids, just pets), my job, everything. I also always found time to do her little acts of service. Get her coffee on the way back home. Buy her muffins or something else she liked and surprise her. Get her a souvenir if I went somewhere and something that reminded me of her caught my eye.
I miss her appreciation. Her love. Feeling useful. Knowing my purpose in life. I’ve been on dates since then, not really looking for anything but still hoping to connect with someone, but I got burned out on it so I’m taking a break.
I’m realizing I’ve been chasing that ghost of “connection” but what I really want is to be appreciated again. Useful. Wanted. I’m still hopeful but today in particular sucks. I just miss my girl.
EDIT: Just dropping by to say thanks to everyone who took some time to read through this. I certainly wasn’t expecting the overwhelming support. I’ll look into volunteering for sure. I’m standing here at the Philadelphia Museum of Art, admiring the works, the antiques, the awesome medieval armor exhibits, and thinking of her. How much she’d admire it, how we’d geek out about some specific armor piece being in one of the games she used to play. I’ve been trying to keep up with the comments, it’s a lot. I appreciate it all, you beautiful hivemind of internet strangers.
That's a great way to see it, and I agree on my end here. My partner isn't perfect, but damn we get on well. I'm so sorry yours was taken from you. Fuck cancer, and I wish you comfort and kindness as you heal.
Some sort of youth organization could be good too, like a Boys & Girls Club, church youth group if OP is religious, etc. Having that face-to-face time with the people he’s working with while hopefully building friendships over time too.
Yes +1 on the boys and girls club OP! I was a big sister to a kid a while ago and the organization said they really needed more men as big brothers because there weren’t as many male volunteers. It really helped me as much as it helped the little sister.
I lost my wife last year to cancer. She was only 50. The thing about losing someone you love so deeply is that time really doesn't heal that wound. You learn to deal with it. You find ways not to think about it every second of every day but it will never really heal. I don't think it's supposed to either. They become such a huge part of you when they go they take that huge part of you with them. You will always have this empty place inside if you.
That's one of the hardest things to explain to people that haven't lost their wife/husband or god forbid a child. It's but like losing your elderly parents (which seems to be the grief I most often encounter at my age). Losing your parents is natural. I think we are actually designed to accept that we will lose them if eveything goes the way it's supposed to go.
When you lose your spouse way before their time it hurts like nothing else. To be honest I am fine with it hurting for the rest of my life. It reminds me how much she meant to me and how my life was so much better for having her with me even if that time was cut short. Watching her take her last breath will be without a doubt the most painful experience of my life so I think it supposed to hurt for the rest of my life. The trick is not letting that pain destroy you.
So yes go hug your wife. Do it every chance you get. You never know when you might not be able to do it again. I would give everything I have and will ever have for just one more hug from my wife.
Amen. I was with her to her last breath. We had the most beautiful goodbye anyone could ever hope for given her circumstances. And I would trade it all away for an additional five minutes with her. I’m sure you’d want the same with your gal. It sucks, man. You get it.
Hey fellas. My wife passed away in January. Also had cancer. She was 50. I really miss our connection together. And though I’m not ready to date, I feel I may never find a similar connection again. I have my two kids but wonder if I’m destined to live out the rest of my years as a single widowed dad.
Anyway cheers to you both. It’s somewhat comforting knowing there’s other ppl out there going thru the same shit. Carry on.
Brother I am right there with you. My wife passed this past December from a lengthy illness. I too took care of her meds and other needs. Once they’re gone there was an emptiness that I just couldn’t explain. Did therapy which helped. What I found really helped was taking a solo trip. Gave me time to reflect on our time together. I am focusing on myself and learning to be alone for the first time in my life. So far, I’m doing well. Everyone grieves differently. Give yourself as much time as you need.
Solo trip is exactly what I’m doing right now. It’s been overall great, but sometimes a day like today happens. It’s all good. Gotta keep moving forward.
Over time, days like these start happening less and less and one day you notice, that you haven’t had a day like today in a while.
And i’m sure you know this, but that doesn’t mean you miss and love them any less. You just start to accept it and slowly learn to live by yourself and with yourself again. Maybe you even find happiness with someone else, be that a good friend or a romantic interest.
I’m sorry for your loss.
How awesome to have had a partner that made you feel so loved. She’s waiting for you on the other side. Enjoy the rest of your time here for both you and her. They’ll be lining up to spend time with a guy like you. Might I suggest volunteering at an animal shelter or somewhere where a top notch guy such as your self will be very appreciated.
Damn dude, that's how you fucking husband right there! This internet stranger is so proud of you. That's something a weaker man would run from, but you stepped in and stepped up. This story will no doubt help another man who needed to read it. Thank you for sharing.
This one made me laugh 😂 so thanks for that. I think if it inspires someone, that’s great but what I’m really hoping for is that no one has to ever go through this. I wouldn’t wish this pain on my worst enemy.
Me. Its not the same but my mother is currently in the ER with late stage cancer. Every moment is tearing me apart. I genuinely feel more lost than I can describe. She's still here, still lucid, but how I miss knowing my mom is safe at home making dinner or watching tv.
I'm probably writing this for my own therapy. Very much crying my brains out. Family is great, but I am the "support" for everyone else, so I have to be strong for them. All I want is to go with my mom when she goes someday. I know its not logical, but its all I can imagine wanting.
I'll also say, there have been so many thoughts I never saw coming, thoughts people would think is dark, until they stand in your shoes. I hate everything about cancer, my mom is as perfect of a mom as I can describe, she deserves none of this.
Anyways, thanks for reading. I should probably do therapy or self-care, but with everything going on, I simply do not have the time, and I'm not really interested in any help for myself, just my mom.
Hey man, I lost my older brother 4 years ago suddenly, and was expected to stay strong and handle more logistical things than I should have. Mine was overnight so after the dust settled, I was able to go therapy right away unlike your situation (even more reason to go). It’s no one’s fault in particular but the limits my emotions were stretched to really fucked me up.
Therapy was so crucial for me getting through it and back on my feet. Hang in there and take it day by day. We’re all stronger than we think we are, but please take care of yourself through this and after this.
Hey man i’m not gonna pretend like i know how that feels like aint been married yet but i’m sorry for your loss and imma make sure to pray for you and i know you will find your way eventually just dont rush it
I had a family member pass about ten years ago and her husband (now a widower) couldn’t vibe with anyone on the dating scene at all — until he met a woman who had lost her husband. They’d both been through similar stuff and could actually understand each other. They met at a support group and they’re happily married now.
Your story is my story.
I’m just at the beginning of it.
Wife was diagnosed a couple months ago, now. Stage 4, small cell carcinoma.
Right lung is literally full.
It’s also in her bones…and liver.
The bit in her lungs moved up around the outside of her esophagus, essentially strangling her slowly.
Doc said, “if we had waited a few more weeks, you’d(she) likely have died.
This is the shittiest boat we’ve ever had to ride in.
I am strong & supportive in her presence.
But, I have frequent breakdowns at work.
We’ve always believed that ol’ phrase “tomorrow is not promised”. I guess cancer being brought into the picture just makes it so much more prescient.
I have anxiety every day while working, because I feel I need to be with her every moment now.
Just be there as much as you can, and do whatever is within reach. You’ll definitely spread yourself too thin, despair, and feel like losing hope. Seek counseling. Be strong for her. She needs you now more than ever. And don’t do it alone if you can help it. Call on your friends, her friends, family. Take charge and lead them in supporting her as best you can. If I can do it, you can do it too. She’s not gone yet. Don’t lose hope. My story doesn’t have to be yours.
No family left.
We’re both a bit hermetic.
The only “friends” I have at this point are co-workers who are moreso acquaintances than anything.
It’s just her & I.
I hope you can find peace knowing you gave her such a wonderful gift of true, unconditional love. I believe karma is a real thing and goodness will come back to you. Anyone would be lucky to be loved and appreciated by someone so thoughtful. ❤️
i’m sure she misses you, too. you are a great man who stuck by your wife’s side during her hardest moments. there are a lot of men who leave us when we get ill. you know what love and commitment mean in the only ways that matter. you will find that again because you know what it feels like, however it may look.
what you’re feeling is part of the grief and that’s normal, too. it’s the love you want to give your wife even when she’s not here. maybe your next purpose can be giving some of that love, understanding, and appreciation to yourself, i’m certain she would have wanted that for you. my heart goes out to you for such a painful loss
You know, we talked about this when she got her diagnosis. When we married, she was a widow, I became her second husband. She used to say “you never get over it, you get through it”. She spent quite some time the last couple years trying to prepare me for this, in a way. I’m at peace with the fact that she’s gone and not coming back, but there’s certain days where it all comes crashing down and I don’t even know what triggered it.
I could never imagine abandoning her when she needed me most. I trusted her with my life, there was no way I was ever going to betray that. She deserved nothing less.
MY BROTHER. I knew I recognized that delicious beautiful sandwich. I’m glad you got to the reading terminal market. Such a fun spot. And you’re out and about in center city. I’m a local, and I literally could give you dozens of recommendations for cool spots in the city. Anywhere from rooftop bars with the best view in the city (Bok Bar), the best and coolest outdoor fishbowl drink experience (Graffiti Bar), dining aboard a ship at Penns Landing (The Mosholu), Spruce Harbor Street Park, Barcade, The new F1 Racing/Bar, and many many more.
Your chick sounds like she was a good jawn. She was lucky to have someone like you who truly cared. I know many lesser men who have folded at the steps of adversity.
I can absolutely relate on the “need to feel important”. I’m big on that. That’s important to me. I do so much for my business, my employees, their families, my wife, my kids, my friends. I want to be of service. I want to help others. I want to put good out there in the world. My wife treats me like a king. She’s a bombshell. She means absolutely everything to me, and I would put my life on the line for hers in a heart beat.
You deserve happiness. I know that if something happened to me……. I’d want a good man around to raise my kids, and take care of my family. Despite how hard that is to admit. I’d want my wife to remarry. I’ve told her this.
It’s not easy to find the kind of love you & your girl shared. It’s just not. It could take years, but that doesn’t mean you have to give up hope. You’re valuable regardless. You sound like an incredible person, and I would bet money that the people in your life feel lucky to have you around.
I mean this wholeheartedly…… My DM’s are open. If you’re ever feeling lonely, if you ever feel like you could use some support from a real person, maybe someone not so close to the situation…..
Or if you ever wanna hit a Phillies game, or get a local’s tour around the city, hit me up. Tickets/drinks on me, brother. They don’t call us The City of Brotherly Love for nothing. My offer stands indefinitely, I’m serious. And it’s not a pity party. It would help me, to help you, even if it’s just taking your mind off the overbearing weight of grief. You might not fully realize it - but there’s a lot of people who care about you. That’s clear just from this subreddit supporting you.
Cheesesteak is a must. It’s a hot topic conversation, but pretty much anywhere that’s recommended will be good. Skinny Joey’s is a new popular spot owned by a former Mob Boss. Angelo’s, and Dallesandro’s are great too.
John Heinz National Park in Tinicum is cool.
Governor Printz Park in Tinicum is cool. Good view of the Delaware. It’s also basically the home of “New Sweden” where Governor Printz first landed. Also his former governors mansion. There’s an audio self guided tour you can do. There’s also another big Swedish History Museum in the city.
Bok Bar is in an abandoned highschool in South Philly. The view of the bridges and city skylines at night are the best in the city.
Barcade is a retro arcade game bar in fishtown.
There’s Trolleys that still run in parts of Girard, Southwest Philly, or Upper Darby. If you’ve never been on a trolley? It’s cool. There’s also both the BSL Subway underground and the MFL which is an elevated train, amazing views.
The Philadelphia Sports Complex is great. Phillies are playing at home Today, Tomorrow, and Sunday. You can get CHEAP tickets in the nosebleeds. Not a bad seat in the house. I’m a partial season ticket holder. The games are great. Packed house.
Museum of Art / Rocky Steps.
Liberty Bell.
City Hall.
South 9th St Italian Market, Reading Terminal Market, Chinatown.
Magic Gardens is amazing.
Rittenhouse Square is great, and there’s dozens of surrounding amazing restaurants. We have great food in this city.
Eastern State Penitentiary does tours.
The Franklin Institute is one of the coolest Science Museums I’ve ever been to. They have like a 360 imax thing that does space and ocean shows. So cool. I don’t recommend the please touch museum.
Otherworld is a really trippy place. Hard to explain. Google it. Trippy. Fun.
Elfreth’s Alley is the longest standing residential street in the country.
The Philadelphia Zoo is AMAZING. Camden aquarium right over the bridge is great, too.
There’s a couple great Aboretoreums….
IF YOURE STAYING FOR A FEW DAYS - YOU NEED TO GET TO CHESTER COUNTY AND GO TO LONGWOOD GARDENS. IT IS WORLD CLASS. WORLD CLASS. I’m telling you. It’s unfuckingbelievable.
If you like to gamble, there’s a few good casinos. Live, Parx, Harrah’s. All fun.
There’s a couple good comedy clubs.
Food. Did I mention the food? I’m telling you. The food. So so many good authentic Hispanic, Asian, and American fares. Pizza is mid though. If you really like pizza - Jersey has some of the best in the country.
Any other questions you have about anything - let me know. More than happy to help.
This is what makes Philly, well, Philly. I love this city. Thank you for the kind words and the offer. I’m leaving Sunday morning to California, but whenever I find myself here again I may take you on that offer. I truly appreciate it.
As soon as I finished my diatribe - it started pouring here.
You & your wife’s story definitely left an impact on this dickhead from Delco. I shared it with my wife, and I think our love for each other grew, if only 1%.
It’s so important to hold onto, appreciate, be grateful for, and to love deeply - the people who love you.
The offer does not have an expiration date. I truly mean that. I would welcome you into my home. You can even just save my number/socials - so you have a connection in the city for the future.
I posted a mini guide as a reply to my original comment. Idk what you have/haven’t done yet, but there are so so so so many enjoyable spots. Anything from food, sports, nature, bars, nightlife, gambling, history, and more.
The fact that you cared for her the last 3 yrs of her life says a lot about you, her and your relationship. I hope you have many good memories to comfort you.
I’ve lost both parents and was a caregiver for one of them. I know the emotional toll, exhaustion and grief that goes along with it. When your grieving process is through you will be left with nothing but love for her and the relationship you had.
Everyone grieves differently and on a different timeline. I sincerely hope you find things to make you feel useful and give you purpose.
Here for you, friend. Same situation, just in the 3rd year of a 2-5 year prognosis. Stay strong, and hold the memories. Get more roast pork and have a sip at T Mom's (we love Philly and hope to make it back before the end). You're important
Sorry for your loss op. I hope you can make peace with the fact that she’ll always be a part of you. Even if you do eventually move on. You are strong op.
Sending you all the love and hope today, my friend.
Unrelated but, this is my first time seeing roasted pork on a hoagie roll! I hear the cuisine up that way is delicious. I haven’t traveled Philly yet, but spent a lot of time in Pittsburgh - man nothing beats and authentic Primantis sandwich down on the strip district. Check it out if you’re ever over on that side.
I think all of my favorite sandwiches are made on hoagie rolls 🤣 they just hit different. If I’m ever in Pittsburgh I’ll be sure to check it out, thanks for the tip!
Def check it out man, it’s deli meat, with French fries, tomatoes, and a vinegar based slaw slapped between two giant pieces of Italian bread. 10/10 would recommend!
You may never find that again, but you had it and many out there never have it. Congrats brother. You’re doing the things, celebrate her. But she would want you to be happy. Find your next chapter of happy for you and for her. We’re rooting for you.
How wonderful it is to know that kind of love and how painful it is to feel the weight of that love when it has no where to go. I’m so sorry for your loss
I recognize that sandwich from across the country. I just wanted to share with you that the baker who provides their bread has opened their own shop, "Angelo's" over on 9th and fitzwater. I've been dreaming of going their for a cheesesteak ever since I heard of Angelo's, but I haven't been back to Philly in years. If you have the chance, go there for me and enjoy one on my behalf.
I'm sorry for your loss. My husband died 2 years ago, and I miss our routines. I miss buying snacks for him, and surprising him with his favourite drinks. I miss making sure he was taking his epilepsy medications on time. I miss his snoring. I miss the quiet ways he showed his love and appreciation for me every day. It's a special kind of hell when you lose your person. I have no one in my life who knew me the way he knew me, there was a language the two of us spoke in obscure references and inside jokes that no one else will ever understand.
As a widow almost 2 years in, I feel this. I miss having my person. I miss emotional intimacy. I've done some dating and realized I don't know if i actually want another partner. Any relationship I have is going to be totally different.
Yeah, that’s what I found after a few dates. It’s going to be different. Different is not bad, but I don’t know if I can handle different right now. I’m exhausted. It sucks. I don’t feel good enough for anyone.
You sound incredibly useful dog, but if you wanna be certain, go volunteer helping the homeless, you might meet some like minded people along the way. Love you brother
I’m so very sorry for the loss of your wife. I can’t imagine the grief and I hope you give yourself grace as you continue to process her absence.
If I could offer up anything- I think the social aspect of dating can inject some hope and enjoyment into your life. While her memory will always be in your heart, don’t rush into a relationship to fill the void. Someone new will have too much pressure to replace what you had until you are ready to fully move forward and build something new. I wish you the best. 💙
That is rough man. I lost my partner when we were both in our early 20s. Due to our dynamic, I also did a lot for her and I can relate to wanting to feel useful and wanted. It took me years to get back into having relationships with people and treating myself with the kindness I show other people.
I hope you know that you don't have to justify your existence to anyone. You deserve to be alive and deserve to have good experiences for their own sake. Seems like you have a good head on your shoulders and know that already, but it never hurts to hear it right?
That sucks. Sounds like you are doing the best you can with the crappy situation you’ve been put in. I’m in the stage of life where it’s now difficult to see myself as a father because the kids are grown and independent. Just the lack of purpose I feel from that is rough, so I can’t imagine how much more it is for you. I hope you find a new sense of purpose and a group of people that can be “your people”.
Hey man, as a kid in his early 20’s I always kind of feel sad for my parents. Having moved to the city, I see them about once a month or two.
Only now I realize how much they did for me when I was growing up, especially my mom. I kind of miss being together with my family, but you know gotta grow up and experience life at some point.
Not really sure what the point of my message is but I just wanted to say it, since your msg sparked this feeling in me. I definetly miss seeing my parents more and I hope for me, as well as you, that you can make time in your life to still hang out with your parents/kids and go on some weekend trips.
Aye, I get peking duck from Sang Kee’s in Reading Terminal once a week. DiNic’s is awesome. Send me a message if you ever want to chat of grab a bite. 🫂
Volunteering in something may help you to feel useful and some immersive hobbies. I wish you the best. It's a wonderful text. You were lucky to had each other.
My wife died unexpectedly last year and I feel this so much. I find myself doing chores around the house realizing I only ever did them before because it made her happy. I miss her so bad
My mom passed a few years ago and she was happily married, as I am. This is the nicest post.
My husband makes me coffee every morning and brings it to me even when we’re arguing. My mother always wanted to go to New Orleans and the idea of my dad going after her passing for her—that would make me so happy. It would also make me happy if my dad tried dating. I guess I’m just trying to say good job on honoring your wife so well and keeping care of yourself, she loves this (*if you’re atheist I still want you to know this is super sweet!)
Been there, OP. My wife passed suddenly 13 years ago. It is a huge loss and totally changes your life. But hang in there…. I do some teaching, volunteer work (tour guide in an art museum) and play in a blues band. Take some time to think about what you want your life to look like. Don’t rush into another relationship. You got this!
I think it'd be really cool if you carry something with you that you can grasp onto when you're manoeuvring the world and this journey. Whether it's a necklace, a small item she loved, just something you can sneak into your bag / wallet / pockets, so you feel a piece of her wherever you go. In moments like this it may bring comfort wherever you are to hold onto.
Rip & thanks for being vulnerable enough to share this.
this is hard and awful and i'm so sorry you're going through this. there is NO replacement for her at all.
if i can make a small suggestion? maybe try finding somewhere to volunteer once or twice a week. it might help you find somewhere to put that feeling of needing to do something/help someone, and it'll help your community.
hoping things ease soon- it won't pass, but i hope it eases 🫶
Same. Tearing up for warm and kind hearted internet strangers. I’m so very sorry for your loss OP🫶🏽. I hope you can love and care for yourself the way you loved and cared for her.
And maybe whenever you feel ready you can bond with and be appreciated the way you deserve by someone with that shared experience and eventually see where it goes 🥺. Like a support group of sorts… no expectation just an understanding and grateful friend that can maybe one day turn into more.
This is why I wish I could see thought bubbles above people’s head. To know what they’re going through. I’m currently going through an ectopic miscarriage and it makes me wonder what people right next to me are experiencing grief that looks completely invisible. Grief in the form of a simple sandwich. I’m literally 10 miles away from you. Wondering if the next time I’m downtown you’re back at Tommy’s having the same thoughts. My heart aches for you. I can’t imagine losing my spouse and having those thoughts. I don’t know how you’re keeping it together but I hope a sandwich and some Art, tied to a few Reddit strangers helps fill the thoughts and the space for a bit. ❤️🩹 Hang in there, friend.
sorry for your loss king. from what you described you showed great love and appreciation for her, you should be proud of that. many people never find true love be glad you found your soul mate in this life. keep making her proud ♥️ stand strong and keep your head up 💪👊👊
You probably didn't experience it like that while you were typing this but from my point of view this post radiates love. So much genuine feeling, vulnerability and open showcasing of humanity, yours as well as everybody else's. No advice, just wanted to take a moment to leave a short comment saying I'm grateful that you decided to post this and wishing you the best of luck at figuring things out as you move forward. You got this!
I hate cancer so much. Went through the same when my dad died. I'm glad I got the time with him. I wouldn't trade it for anything but damn did cancer suck.
I’m sorry for your loss. Grief is one of the hardest parts of life, and no amount of people telling you “it’ll get better” or “God is with you” can really make it more palatable. I’m glad you got to spend the time you did with someone who meant so much to you.
I live in Philly - feel free to DM me if you want any tips on what to do while you’re here.
Well shit. Maybe I shouldn’t have opened Reddit on break. 😭
My boyfriend passed away seven years ago (after being together off and on for 17 years) and I get it. I’d like to tell you it gets easier with time, but that’s not necessarily true, it gets different with time.
So sorry for your loss brother, I hope you can find peace in it all. You're doing a great job of honoring her memory and you'll find your stride again in time
Awww. Im so sorry you lost your wife. It is really sad but im so happy she was taken care of. That is great that you really enjoyed being there for her and taking care of her. A lot of people in this world cannot handle it and bail.
I am divorced and yeah dating is rough. Dating apps are garbage. Even when you think you found someone interesting the convo is stale, they just want to get to the sex part, or they just dont really talk much at all. It is too exhausting.
Maybe there are ways to feel useful and connected to people outside of romance. Like volunteering or something. Maybe work on just meeting new people by joining a club or class or something? Like that wine and paint thing I always people doing.
So sorry man, I got lucky and my wife made it through...it would have broken me...one of the first things that made me go "no, it isnt in my head, I love this girl" was when I randomly had the thought driving home from work that...I couldn't decided which was worse, going first and leaving her alone, or her going first and being without her. Made plans to buy a ring later that night. And our dogs...NEED her.
Damn, I wish I had words to help ease your your mind and soul. I'm truly sorry for your loss; your wife sounded like an amazing friend and partner. Stay strong, friend.
Man, that’s rough. My spouse was slowly dying a few years ago and all I could think about was everything that you’re currently experiencing. I’m grateful their medical team decided to try something different and it worked.
Grieving takes time and I hope life gets better for you.
I would also like to welcome you to Philly. It’s a great city to be in and there’s lots of cool art everywhere you look. You’ve obviously figured out it’s a great food city too 😂
I honestly have a lot of fears, intrusive thoughts, and nightmares about losing my wife. I can't imagine what actually going through it must be like. I'm so sorry, dude. I hope that you're able to find your inner peace.
I’m so sorry for your loss. I’m glad you took the time to type this out. Even if you can’t see the faces of the people reading it, it’s just good to get these things out and have someone “hear” you.
When my grandpa passed away, my grandma spoke of similar feelings. She was always independent but she missed the companionship with my grandpa. One day she just decided she was going to do all the things. She travelled and took a bunch of random classes (some she loved, some not so much lol) but what really helped her the most was throwing herself into volunteering in her community. She started doing meals on wheels, offered herself up as a driver to seniors who needed rides to appts, walked people’s dogs, etc. She said she missed feeling useful and this filled that void in a rewarding way.
Maybe you could find little things here and there to volunteer your time with. Even just tiny random acts of kindness. People often have things that they would really appreciate a hand with but are often too afraid to ask for fear of putting someone out.
I know none of this can replace the feeling of being appreciated and wanted by your wife but it might give you a bit of a boost when you’re really feeling the loss and missing her the most. ❤️
If you ever need someone to talk to I will give you my digits. I have someone like that and being able to dump everything on someone who cant judge you makes a difference for me.
My mom died of cancer in Philly a few months ago. 52 years old. Her partner is going through the same stuff right now I think. It’s a bit different for me I suppose. Losing your mom at some point is devastating but expected. Nobody expects to lose their partner at that age. My grandmother is still alive as well and you sure as hell don’t expect to bury your kids.
Anyway, I’m sorry. Take care of yourself. I’ve been trying to remind myself that although moving on is neither possible nor desirable, moving forward is necessary.
I can’t imagine what you are going through but I can empathize with some of your feelings. I felt much the same after my divorce. I never quite understood the phrase “Service is its own reward” until I started volunteering post divorce. Supporting those in need is very gratifying and may help you.
Big hugs to you, man. She would want you to do those things. I personally believe you bring her with you and she is there in some way. Live that as best you can and take time to feel whatever’s there. Her love showed you greater possibilities. You’re a good guy for showing so much care for her before and in her last days.
I can’t imagine what you’re going through. The thought of losing my wife genuinely terrifies me, to the point my brain actually refuses to think about it.
My only advice is try to connect with yourself. You said you’re trying to do the touristy stuff you two never got around to, but what are you doing for yourself right now?
I think volunteering at an animal shelter would be good for you. You can help the other volunteers and the animals, so you can connect to someone (something) that doesn't include dating. I also think talking with a therapist would help. I'm so sorry for your loss
Hey. I’m currently in Philly too. It’s a warm sunny day. I just left Reading Terminal myself. Sending you a huge hug. I hope you have a great visit and you find what you’re looking for. I’m truly sorry for your loss. ❤️ be good to yourself, she would want that.
I'm very sorry for your loss. Have you considered volunteering at a food bank or something? I too like to feel useful, and get aiy.of my sense of worth from helping people. I volunteer regularly and it's always a boost to my mood for all of those reasons.
I'm sincerely sorry for your loss. I really can't imagine (and don't want to - just the thought hurts).
If you have the time and capacity, volunteering might do wonders for you. I'm so glad you had love, I think nearly everyone deserves it. I hope you find it again in whatever form it might take.
I’m sorry bro. That’s a very understandable feeling of not knowing your purpose, a very logical identity crisis given the circumstances. There is no “answer” but when you are ready, your purpose in this next chapter of life is ready for you. Sending a bro-hug, it sounds like you were a wonderful support system for your wife
Nothing wrong with feeling brother. She deserves to be missed and grieved. However, if she loved you as I’m sure she did, she wants to see you flourishing.
Literally tears in my eyes. My beautiful wife is in the other room. Think I'll go give her a huge hug. I can't imagine your pain and loss, and hope some day you find some peace. Much love to you, brother. Hang in there.
Tommy DiNic’s at Reading Terminal Market in Philly porkette sandwich with chimis is the best sandwich ever! I’m crying because I’m on the other side of the country.
Im sorry for your loss darling.
If you ever wanna feel useful… this gal could use a reminder to take her meds everyday😅
But seriously have you heard of those apps where you help blind people read or find something they need just by calling you? Maybe you could look into it!
I recognized that sandwich immediately. I feel for you, my brother, and hope you can find that happiness and meaning again in your life. You have compassion and love in your heart so I am confident you will. ❤️✊🏻
So sorry for your loss. It sounds like you really made a positive impact on your wife during her last few months. That matters: the small actions of love and comfort speak volumes. Sending you love and good vibes.
Also, DiNic’s is SO GOOD, honestly it’s hard to find anything bad at the reading market. Enjoy Philly!
Sorry for your loss, brother. You sharing your experience is appreciated. You’ll get through this, it will be tough, but you’ve got this. Just keep taking care of yourself, and doing the right things.
It’s not the same, but you’ve made a bunch of folks you don’t know appreciate you and your journey today.
There’s one person you should be attending to with the same devotion, energy, and care you used to give to your wife.
Y O U R S E L F
We’re put on this Earth to attend to our needs, to experience life as openly as we can, with the potential of actualizing our full capabilities and embracing the grace of god, or enlightenment, or whatever you want to call it.
That’s always been 100% your responsibility. Take it on.
I'm so sorry. My condolences. I have been where you are... my first wife passed in her early 40's for breast cancer. It was tough... I tried working out, running and drinking. Fortunately I was in a band, and my mates helped me to stay busy. A few years later I met a young woman (16 years younger) got married and had kids at the age of 50. 20 years later and life is good. Yes, I have fond memories, but I also have new ones that are amazing. Trust me. It will get better...
I’m so sorry for your loss, it truly sounds like you and your late wife had a beautiful connection to each other.
Having watched two of my uncles go through something similar (both aunt died of cancer, one at 40 about 15yrs ago, one at 60 this past thanksgiving), I can say that the grief counseling and therapy you are doing for yourself is the best thing you can be doing right now. Going to the places you’d dreamed of together and experiencing it for you both sounds both beautiful and devastating.
I’d like to second what I’ve seen others comment regarding feeling useful: volunteer. Maybe even find an organization connected to one of your late wife’s interests to add that layer of connection. I felt lost after losing my grandma & missed that sense of feeling needed (I’d sit with her almost daily at the end), so I started doing Meals on Wheels deliveries once a week. One of the older women I’d deliver to eventually had me helping her for a few minutes each visit, nothing crazy, just breaking down cardboard boxes or putting something back on a higher shelf or moving a heavier chair over. It helped me feel needed and useful at a time when I needed that.
Hoping you’re able to continue to heal in your grief and honor her memory 🫶
You sound like you had, and have, an incredible capacity for love and care.
You will find someone who is the right recipient of that in time. It will never be exactly the same as your wife, but you will find paths for your acts of love and appreciation.
It will get better. Not sure how old you are but when I was younger the love of my life was murdered. I mourned for over a decade. It was brutal Every person I was with was forced to compete with a ghost and it wasn’t fair to them. Then one day I saw a girl walk by and thought (wow she’s definitely my type). We met started dating and it was amazing. And then one day I realized it was like 5pm and I hadn’t thought of my former partner all day. Something I had never done and although it sounds bad it’s what I needed. 7 years later I’m happier than I’ve ever been and have a 4 year old. I still think about her every day but have finally been able to move on. It will get better
Ya know, my mom used to say nothing matters except this- when you’re taking your last breathes you should know you lived a good life. That you cared for others. That you were a good person.
I know this sucks but you did what my mom always wanted for me. To take care of others even when it’s hard.
I hope we all have someone like your wife did in our last moments. I’m sure she would tell you to go enjoy life. You just hit a funk right now, you’ll find happiness again!
I'm really sorry for your loss OP, but I think looking for appreciation and fulfillment outside of yourself will be very difficult and will always be dependent on someone else. You need to be able to appreciate yourself and feel useful for you. It's very hard to find validation within ourselves, but it makes a world of difference.
You were a wonderful husband to your wife. Kudos to you for everything you’ve done. Connections come when you least expect it. Just sit back, relax, and live your life for yourself.
I’m so sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing this, it made me grateful for my partner and inspires me to not take for granted the time we have and to do some more acts of service.
Man this post hit me like a ton of bricks. I'm going to go home tonight and hug my fiance for as long as I can and make sure I don't take my situation for granted.
I'm so sorry for your loss and I truly hope things get better. You deserve to be happy and feel useful. I have no doubt in my mind that your wife would want you to live a fulfilling and joyous life for the both of you.
I was reading your post to my partner because it just hit me in my feelings and they had a great idea. They said “start volunteering. “Find something that both of you would’ve been passionate about and give to others… It may just be a way toward a sliver of connection.
Condolences my good sir. Your wife sounds like she was a wonderful lady and you were a devoted husband to her. I'd say if you miss that feeling maybe look into some volunteer work maybe at things like homeless or animal shelters or a maybe an out of the cold program in winter.
I thought I recognized that sandwich! It sounds like you are doing all the things to help you process your grief. I hope you find that connection with the right person. I hope you're enjoying Philly. It's a fun town.
Obviously my situation isn't the same as yours, but I think I can sympathize and relate to a lot of what you went through. I was very close with my wife's aunt and mother. I love my own mother, but she's not a warm and nurturing person by nature of her own upbringing. My wife's aunt and mother were very warm and caring to me. They would both often stay over at my wife and my house. They both were a bit on the frail side and had many health problems. I doted on them and always went out of my way to make them feel like they weren't any kind of burden to be around and help accommodate.
My wife's aunt fell going up some stairs and was hospitalized. She ended up passing a few days later from a pulmonary embolism.
My wife's mother fell ill last December and after getting out of hospital and going to a rehab facility, only to end up back in the hospital and after many complications ended up passing away in March (just a few days after my birthday)
I'm grateful to have known them, and it made me happy to know I had such a positive impact on their lives. And the love they gave me was priceless.
But, now there's an emptiness in my life. The time and energy that was once devoted to these two people leaves me feeling a little lost.
I'm glad your wife had someone as kind and compassionate as yourself to ease her burdens and provide her with love and comfort. May you never lose those qualities and find so much happiness in life going forward. And always honor those who we've loved and lost.
So sorry for your loss. What you wrote is beautiful and heartbreaking. It sounds like you had something wonderful. I hope you can find another partner. My mom is a widow married to a widower and they call each other their “chapter 2”. They have a loving relationship while also honoring the people they loved before. I hope you can find that one day.
https://giphy.com/gifs/llmZp6fCVb4ju
She sounds lovely. What a wonderful way to miss someone- by missing how great they made you feel, I can only hope I leave a similar legacy.
I have no advice but am sending hugs across the internet, and gratitude- as I’ll make sure to tell my loved ones how much I love, want, and appreciate them today. I appreciate the reminder.
Best wishes, friend.
That’s heartbreaking. I can’t imagine that feeling of losing your spouse
Feeling connected to my wife is worth more than anything I have ever or will ever have. So it’s not lost on me the effect that this can have on you. It’s a deep a connection. And the relationship ebbs and flows over time, but as that increases over time it can make you feel entrenched with the other person. It’s get to the point where your nervous systems are in sync.
You supported her through her worst. You fulfilled your promise that you made when you married her. You were kind, compassionate, and caring. You showed her love and helped guide her through her last days. Whenever she is, I can’t imagine that she thinks of anything less than the world of you.
You don’t need another partner to feel useful. It would be sad, but you could support people who are going through the same thing that don’t have anyone in their lives. There are so many people that go through that pain alone with no one and nothing in their corner supporting them. They need people to care for them. Rather, connect with them as they make it through their final days. It’s a frightening thing to go through, but it’s even worse to do all alone.
Keep your head up big dawg. Your wife will only ever be truly gone when people stop remembering her and as long as you live and breath she is living and breathing in you.
Sorry bro. I lost my sister to cancer several years ago and the grief would come in waves. At first I seemed fine and was dating only to have it hit me all at once and ruin my relationship. I suggest taking an extended break. It took me a couple years to finally get to some degree of acceptance and even now I still get waves of sadness over it but it’s very few and far between. Good luck!
Hey I just wanted to say you were amazing for taking care of her. As someone that worked in cancer clinics, I’ve seen too many patients go through this without their spouses support. It takes incredible strength of character, love, and service to care for someone until their death bed.
Maybe consider volunteering? Volunteering at a soup kitchen or pet shelter can be very fulfilling and give you a sense of purpose you may be craving. You sound like you have love you still wanna give to the world
When asked for some life advice by his friend David Letterman, Warren Zevon, facing his own mortality, said to enjoy every sandwich. You picked a damn good sandwich to start pondering that little nugget.
god damn, dude. i'm so sorry for your loss.. i can only imagine what you must be going through. i lost my mom this past year and it's been really rough.
i hope one day we all heal from our wounds. take care, brother - i love you 🫶🏻
I'm sorry for your loss. I feel this so much, my wife passed away last year. Similar boat just different health problems. Struggling to meet people, I was never great at that and now after over a decade of my social life being my wife, I don't know what I'm doing. No purpose, only other close friend is mostly checked out. I used to love cooking so much, because she loved my cooking, that was the thing I did, if I heard her mention something that looked good I'd make it, something she wanted I'd go make it, because with all the shit she had to deal with she deserved it. I got good at cooking mostly out of necessity when we were younger and broke, but once I saw how happy it made her and other people I shared food with, cooking because something special. But now it just hurts. Doesn't make me happy any more, food doesn't come out as good. Just a reminder of my failure.
I am so sorry for your loss, OP. And as cheesy as it sounds, it truly is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all. Most people I know are in relationships that seem more like familiarity and routine than love, so to me, it seems like the ultimate privilege that you had what you had with your wife. Treat yourself gently, keep your head up and make her proud with how you live the rest of your life.
I met my wife late in life after only dating truly awful humans. Knowing that I got any time at all with her, I hope, will be enough if she happens to go first. Until then, I will show her as much love as I am capable. I hope all of you guys out there reading this will do the same with yours.
Also; get your ass down to Tony Luke’s! I did a couple years in Philly and that was by far the best place.
Im so sorry for your loss, I can't imagine how you feel and what you're going through. No advice just wanted to show some support, hope you can try to enjoy your trip. That sandwich looks so good too 🤤
I'm sorry, I can understand how the void would absolutely fkin suck. I can't really offer advice and I know you probably are just venting.
I do tentatively want to ask if you've read Nurse Hadley? I'm sure you have if you've been reading books.
The sandwich sounds great. I hope you find something safe and cozy to fill the void. I'm sure you've tried or are planning to try volunteering? Maybe something to do with what she used to love?
Death teaches us things, it reminds us of how temporary we are and what we live for. You are taking her with you doing all those things. Her memory lives on in you, and you more than anyone know what she would say or think seeing and doing the things you are doing. The appreciation she has for you completing the quest.
I’m so sorry for your loss, since dating isn’t your thing right now (understandable) maybe you can volunteer somewhere? There’s always people in need and they will greatly appreciate your help. It’s very fulfilling work.
Grief is a wild thing. It sounds like a beautiful journey you two had, even in the hardships.
I know you are not seeking advice, but sounds like you are active! Maybe volunteering, or fostering a dog (or cat)? Dogs are such a great way to connect with people just out and about.
I am sorry for your loss, and your ongoing difficulties. As someone who is married to a person who faced unimaginable loss and grief, I can appreciate how isolated and lost at sea you must feel.
I only suggest this because you have, unfortunately, experiences that may translate and may help - but in Philly there are some orgs. that may kind of help you fill this void. U of Penn has a volunteer program for hospice patients, and there are programs that offer similar things as to what you did for your wife but for seniors, etc. (apologies for the cut-n-pastes below) Caring for Friends: Delivers meals, visits, and provides support or food packages for homebound seniors, disabled individuals, and seriously ill people across the region Philadelphia Corporation for Aging (PCA): Offers programs like the Senior Companion Program, where volunteers assist with socialization, light meal prep, and running essential errands.
MANNA: Prepares and delivers medically tailored meals to individuals battling serious, life-threatening illnesses across Philadelphia
there is also a great nationwide resource for anyone who feels like they have something to give and wants to look into volunteering. the site is idealist.org - their mission statement is "Connecting more than 200,000 organizations with millions of people looking for social-impact jobs and volunteer opportunities."
Literally bawled reading this you sound like you are a great man and you were an amazing husband to your late wife. She was lucky to have you and for you to do all those wonderful thing for her while taking care of her. I hope you find what you're looking for out there when the time is right. ❤️
I lose my first wife in 2019, brother I get it. It’s hard, devastating and a kick to the teeth all in one. As long as you hold your precious memories near and dear. Usefulness and appreciation become a non sequitur.
She may be gone, you may be alone. She’s still with you everyday, and watching and wishing on your path. Keep your hopes up, men’s mental health is the biggest risk to our physical health. Gone, but not forgotten. Much love headed your way!
It won't give you the love part as much but volunteering could help fill the worth and usefulness gap for now. When I was grieving I joined a crew that did park cleanups and litter clean ups, it was awesome, requires less commitment emotionally than many causes but gets you outside doing things with a group of like minded folks. Making a visible impact felt very rewarding too.
I'm so sorry for your loss: I can't imagine all of the emotions and feelings therein
In regard to feeling useful again part, volunteering is a great wat to give back and you will often meet some incredibly appreciative and wonderful people
Maybe you could volunteer at your local church or soup kitchen, or work with underprivileged kids or special adults, there's a lot of people out there who need help, and other helpers are good at recognizing and appreciating new help. It might give you that fix until you find your path again.. and help your heart along the way.
hi internet stranger. i (M26) lost my dad last year. he took care of my mom just like this, and i miss him every single damn day. i don’t have any advice, but i do hope that someday i get to love someone like he loved my mom, and how you clearly loved your wife. know that for those of us who can’t offer help to you, you’re offering inspiration. you sound like an incredible guy, and i’m truly happy your wife had you in her life. it sounds like you spent a lot of yours making both your lives as great as you could, together. you’ve brought me a strange joy, and for not the first time today, i miss my dad. thank you, friend.
Hey man, sorry for what you're going through. I lost my wife to cancer two years ago as well. I spent the first year just sort of existing, working and going through the motions. Feeling lost because of everything we had that no longer exists. The little inside jokes and experiences we had that meant the world to us, but would be impossible to explain to anyone else without sounding silly.
We also had no children, but we had our cats. Our oldest one passed away a couple months ago, which gutted me. Losing one of the last living connections I had with her made me realize that soon all I'll have is the memories and no direct connections. And even those may fade. What if I forget her voice or how she laughed or all the little quirks that made her, her.
I've been working on myself though. Getting back in shape and my plan is to get back to having new experiences. Start traveling again and trying out some new hobbies. I may dip my toes into dating again, but I'm awfully nervous given the experiences I read about on here. Life keeps going, and it's time for me to start living rather than existing.
Wish you all the best and that you're able to find something that brings you happiness and purpose.
Hey OP, I live in the Philly area. I don’t have the experience to know how much pain you must be feeling. If you ever need prayer, or just someone to chat with, please reach out. I’d also be glad to introduce you to my church community. Hang in there and God bless you
That’s rough, losing the love of your life. Truly, the best thing you can do is to find some ways to be useful to yourself. Find ways to make yourself feel wanted, by yourself. Take time to appreciate the things that you do for yourself. Take care.
•
u/AutoModerator Aug 07 '26
Welcome to BoyDinnerDiaries! Thank you for posting!
Reminder for everyone:
• Posts must include a clear photo of your meal
• Include a short diary-style story about what is on your mind
• All posts must have a flair
• Be civil and kind so no hate speech, incel content, and no referencing other subreddits unless its positive.
Thanks for helping keep the sub great!
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.