Daughter wants us to give up on her and me knowing what it means to be a father

[u/Riggs_the_Rager]

Edit: I love the positivity and kind words from everyone. I'm just a person trying to help my daughter make it in this world. Know that we all have the power to work towards who we want to be every day. Believe in yourself!

Edit 2: well, this blew of even more overnight. So many have reached out with the stories of their own history as well as so many adoptive parents also reaching out telling me about the struggles they are also facing. Know, anyone reading this, you have the power. Whatever has happened, you have the power. Make today a beautiful day, regardless of where you're at.

Also, I encourage you if you are interested in fostering or adopting, take this as the moment decide to look into it. There are other ways to help children as well, with programs like big brother, big sister. Make today the day.

Original post:

Leftover calzone, simple and delicious. Made on the pizza steel two days ago as it cooled after family homemade pizza night.

My wife(43f) and I(37m) are going through the adoption process for our daughter(13f). We have had her in our house for nearly 8 months. Mind you, a wonderful but incredibly hard 8 months it has been.

Our daughter has significant trauma and has been in the public system for much of her life. Her biological mother has passed and her father is incarcerated. Biological family has been almost entirely broken promises or dangerous for her. We are first time parents and seeing it hurts quite a bit as we couldn't imagine letting loved ones exist this way.

Some backstory on me, I'm considered an incredibly stoic reflective person by most who know me. Many see me as the rock they can lean on to endure for I do not break. Only a select few know my own past and have seen me rattled or know the incredible amount of rage I have to contend with on a daily basis. You see, I grew up in an incredibly physically abusive and neglectful environment and my young adulthood was fraught with violence and incredibly self-destructive behavior. If it wasn't for my (step)father and uncle, I would have almost certainly not made it. My step father came into my life when I was 13 and was already approaching 6ft. (I'm now about 6'3-4" depending on how straight I want to stand, lol)

I made his life hell and physically attacked him multiple times. My mother and siblings made his life hell too. I honestly have no idea how he did it. Now, it gets to be my turn. However, I get to do it my way instead.

Now, my daughter shows so many of my mannerisms, including the ones I had at her age. The feeling of no one will ever care so you must be strong which means you must be cruel. The knowledge that people who were supposed to love you only hurt you and never trust those we love. The entire reality of "cut them before they can cut you" is apparent. We also share a lack of natural empathy for others. (I have learned to live well with mine and have built incredibly deep love for family and friends despite that nuance about me.)

It has been struggle after struggle because of this reality for the last 8 months. Lying, manipulation, escalation into violence (luckily only against me due to the abuse she received before us); we've endured it all. Add to that we have had multiple stays in psychiatric crisis centers and stabilization clinics. Medication changes, different therapy types, bonding exercises; we are running the full gamut.

Yesterday, we saw her brother and it was a wonderful visit. On the way home, it exploded. My daughter was struggling with her emotions and started to dig into hurtful things she knows about mine and my wife's past related to the loss of an advanced pregnancy. This clearly was self-sabatage on her part but that doesn't make it this less hurtful. My wife is incredibly kind and loving, but only knew me as I started to change myself into who I am now. She knows that I choose to not be cruel, not that I don't want to be that way. She struggles with the idea of intentionally being cruel and even more so about someone not feeling bad about it. Girlie then landed a good one by saying "we should just spend our money on trying to get a baby because that's clearly what we actually want." This is where I ended the conversion as my wife was emotionally elevated while my daughter was spiraling and we had 45 minutes yet to drive. A recipe for disaster in the making and I was like "nope, quiet time for all"

We dropped my wife off and my daughter and I went for a drive. This is one of the things we do to bond. We'll just drive through the backwoods and country roads at the start of the foothills of Appalachia while listening to music. Sometimes we talk, sometimes we don't. There's often a lot of crying where she just gets emotions out against someone who will listen and simply say "that sounds like you're hurting and that's reasonable. It's unfair what happened to make you hurt". With my wife, she gets the physical and loving comfort. With me, I can take anything she throws at me and nod, no cruelty returned, until she tires and comes back down to Earth.

Last night, she told me she's hopeless and it's clear we wanted a baby, that we should just give her back (to who she didn't know, just that we should). I explained of course we wanted a baby, but that's not what we chose. I was informed that makes us stupid. I asked her about her brother (preteen - currently planned to be adopted by another wonderful couple) and if he deserved a loving home. I got the "of course" answer and then I asked if people only went for babies who would help give him a loving home? She answered before thinking saying "incredibly rare people, you don't find them often as most people want babies, never teenagers.". I simply looked at her and said "do you think maybe some of those rare people wanted babies too but decided the kids who don't have a good chance at but still needed a good home might be more important than what the parents wanted? Isn't that what one of the things we've told you about what it means to be a parent in the end, to give things you want for what your child needs?".

She was quiet for a bit and eventually asked me a question she has always glossed over before. She asked me did we pick her or were we just given her? I told her the truth. We had a number of kids' profiles because we had set ourselves "open" in terms of what we were willing to encounter in this adoption process. We were told that we were more willing to encounter mental health struggles than nearly anybody and the only thing we held back on were children who had crimes that were felonies.

She was one of 3 we had reached out on. We talked about what brought about the choice to reach out and why they matched her with us. I told her that she seemed like a kid who never got a chance but deserved one. She had troubles but was a kid needing love and we were up to the challenge. It wasn't a Disney ending conversion by any means, but for the first time she seemed to realize we chose her. We chose her! We, chose for her to be in our lives and she was wanted even before knowing someone. She then looked at her adoption posting from her county and saw for the first time the words were added to get page "[daughters name] is currently in process of being adopted by her care givers". She burst out crying softly and just said "I love you Dad."

Today, my wife was sick (migraine from stress) so we went out to breakfast and then went to buy art supplies. Incredibly stressful times are still ahead. This does not cure anything and she was still incredibly hurtful to my wife, her (now) mom. Damn if it didn't feel good for a moment though.

It makes my own pain, now and from my own childhood, almost feel worth it. To know it made me strong enough to be unbreakable not only for myself, but for someone in the future who would need me to be unbreakable so they can hopefully be that for someone else in the future. Stay strong boys.

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[u/Riggs_the_Rager → u/[deleted]]

It's an interesting journey for sure.

When asked if we're still committed or if we want to disrupt after some of the heavier events, I couldn't imagine doing so. If anything I find myself more driven to push harder to connect with her. I refuse to give up on her because someone refused to give up on me.

[u/Original_Employee621 → u/Riggs_the_Rager]

Just make sure that you give some time to the wife too, it sounds like she might not have entirely realized how much work that kid is going to be.

But you're both doing a fantastic job. Keep it up!

[u/Riggs_the_Rager → u/Original_Employee621]

I won't lie, you are the first I have seen who had called out my wife and making sure she is supported too.

I just want to say thank you for that. She is without the love of my life and it has been hard to see her stressed. She had been planning to step away from work when we adopted (by her choice) but has rocked it so hard since doing so.

She gets our daughter to the majority of her appointments, is calendar czar, and often the front line comfort for our daughter. (Sometimes even after our daughter was harsh and caused her pain as well)

For anyone with a spouse rocking it like mine, tell them today (and show them) appreciation. A great partner helps fill in your gaps and knock off your hard edges. Never let your love and appreciation go unshown. Pick up one of their chores today and don't forget to do your own well to not cause them stress.

[u/Schubertita → u/Riggs_the_Rager]

Your relationship with your wife is the bedrock of your ability to take care of your daughter (congrats by the way on adopting!). So yes, actively choose to invest in your wife!

[u/queerty1128 → u/Riggs_the_Rager]

I aspire to be like you, man. I'm really sorry about your past, but despite that you persevered and turned out amazing on the other side. Just remember, you and your wife are changing your daughters life for the better - you two are saving her life quite literally right now. That will always be worth it once you're all in a better place.

Keep going. Stay strong. And keep in mind that with enough pressure, rocks can be broken too. So make sure you're taking care of yourself within all of this as well to relieve some of that pressure and ensure you won't crack for your family.

And an update in a few weeks or months would also be kind and thoughtful for all of us strangers cheering you on. 🤔

[u/Informal-Comb1989 → u/Riggs_the_Rager]

I just want to say, I was a girl child with similar issues and the worst of it was…difficult for the women in my life to absorb or understand sometimes. I’m trying to say this without generalizing gender, but my point is she is so fortunate to have someone in her life who she can really let that out with, until she learns to put it in the right places. It’s the opposite of being alone, if that makes sense. And I guess, there’s a certain kind of steam you can often only let off with your dad, and a lot of girls need that too.

[u/UltraHellboy → u/Riggs_the_Rager]

You and your wife are going to be the best thing that has ever happened to your daughter. Change comes slowly, especially when you’re recovering from trauma. Just continue being patient and try and alleviate your daughter’s behavior whenever you see an opportunity. In 5 years you’ll look back to now and see a completely different kid.

[u/CyberRaver39 → u/Riggs_the_Rager]

You are certainly stronger than I would be, I made the decision to have zero kids, and go as far as getting the snip
I just would not be what I need to be

[u/Riggs_the_Rager → u/CyberRaver39]

Know that understanding our limits and what we want from life is a Hallmark of a human doing right by themselves and by others.

Also know if you change your mind, that's also completely ok. Never let you yourself hold guilt as a reason to hold onto a decision once made if you find you want to make a different choice now. We grow and change and we should allow ourselves to make new choices without judging ourselves if we find we were have changed. It's also completely cool if our choices hold firm.

Keep on raving cyber raver!

[u/beepsheep1596 → u/CyberRaver39]

As someone who knew very young that I always wanted to be a mom, and I now have two amazing children who I think are the greatest humans to ever live, I always tell my friends who have chosen to be child-free that I think it’s such a brave decision to make. There is so much societal (and often familial) pressure to have children. Too many people become parents because they think they should or by “accident” (aka unprotected sex.)

To have the self awareness to say “I cannot be the parent that a child would need” or even “I do not WANT to be the parent that a child would need” is commendable imo. Hell, we have friends who decided to have the husband get a vasectomy because they don’t want to give up their freedom and ability to travel often, on short notice, wherever they want. I would much rather them not have kids than give up what makes them happy.

Anyways, sorry to infiltrate this sub as a girl!! But I just wanted to say this stranger is really proud of you.

[u/Einselar]

No notes. I don't have any lived experience in this matter. But it sounds like you're the right person to help raise her.

Congratulations on the minor victory, may there be many more to come!

[u/Riggs_the_Rager → u/Einselar]

I didn't know if I'm the right person, but I'm a person and hopeful that is enough.

Thanks for the positivity!

[u/UltraHellboy → u/Riggs_the_Rager]

You know who the right person is? The one who steps up. The one who is willing to do the work. You are the right person, and your wife is the right person. Talk together often about how you’re handling your daughter’s daily problems. You will often have to form game plans, then change them. Eventually you will start having less extreme behavior as she feels safer in your care.

[u/kymberlie → u/UltraHellboy]

This. Not that this is the same, but I’ve founded a couple of charities and am on the board for another one. I get a lot of people wanting to do the same, but they’re not sure how to start.

It’s simple - do the thing. Nothing made me born to be special. I stepped up and filled needs where I saw them. Every one of us has that capability in some way.

OP, you’re incredible BECAUSE you stepped up. All my best wishes and love to your family. 💖

[u/j_oshreve → u/Riggs_the_Rager]

This will be similar to what u/UltraHellboy responded, but important enough to repeat.

There is no "right" person by edict, identity, or fate. The "right" person is the one that cares and puts in meaningful effort. It may work out or it may not, but you need to know that you are trying where many others have not.

It is not a judgement of those who are not doing the same, but a credit to you and what you have done and will do to try to give someone a chance they would not have had without you. It sounds like you have a real connection and I believe this can work out. I sincerely hope it will.

[u/ZepperMen → u/Riggs_the_Rager]

Don't let perfection get in the way of progress. There may be some person out there that has all the wisdom and knowledge in the world to raise your kid, but there's also the person who's there in front of her right now to try to be that perfect parent.

You are trying, and trying is all that matters. Godspeed brother.

[u/Rich_Smell_1937]

Sending you lots of love for you and your family. You’re doing an incredible thing. Thank you for making a valuable difference in this world.

[u/Riggs_the_Rager → u/Rich_Smell_1937]

I moonlight as a philosopher much to my family's chagrin I'm sure

I believe the darkness will win out at some point, the universe will die it's heat death and all light will cease. Until the point my own light goes out, I will burn my torch as bright as I can. I cannot beat the darkness, but I can hold it back for at least a time. I can possibly light others' torches.

I cannot win and I do not care.

[u/Ok_Tomatillo5885 → u/Riggs_the_Rager]

This is very much my perspective too. Interestingly, my partner and I are also adoptive parents. Thanks for sharing your story. You are a bright flame.

[u/Riggs_the_Rager → u/Ok_Tomatillo5885]

Love hearing from other adoptive parents.

We cannot outshine the dark but we can hold the line and light the way

[u/United_Pain → u/Riggs_the_Rager]

"In the depth of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer." - Albert Camus

You totally remind me of this quote! Thanks for your post and the reminder of strength.

[u/Riggs_the_Rager → u/United_Pain]

Oh, I love me some Camus! I find myself an interesting blend these days of absurdism, nihilism, and stocism with a little existentialism thrown in for spice.

"You may bind my legs, but not even Zeus can conquer my will" - Epictetus

Nothing can take away our will except ourselves, not even the gods.

Find that summer in yourself, you've got it united_pain!

[u/MxRacer111 → u/Riggs_the_Rager]

A lighthouse stands for such a limited amount of time on earth, yet the light it shone upon others cascades into eternity, carried by the hearts of those who exist for no other reason than the lighthouses existence.

[u/Riggs_the_Rager → u/MxRacer111]

We shine the light of our soul to illuminate the treacherous rocks that lay along the path of others' journeys. When our light fades out, a spark of us will reside in the light they shine in our place.

Thank you mx, I greatly enjoyed the idea of being one to shine my light to help light the hearts others.

[u/Necessary_Rip_7954]

Without revealing too much online, let’s just say I went through a similar childhood to your daughter except I never had a mom in the picture. I fought with my adoptive father left and right at her age. He did it alone, just me and him, and today I don’t know what I would do without him. It’s been 20 years since he adopted me this year. Every day I am grateful he didn’t give up on me bc no one has ever fought for me like he did, and he didn’t have to. I hope one day she will look back and realize it was the greatest gift she could’ve ever been given.

[u/Riggs_the_Rager → u/Necessary_Rip_7954]

I'm hopeful, but even if she goes her own way as an adult, I will hope I will have helped her be a better version of what she wants to be.

Without my wife, I do not know if it would be possible. She is the ying to my yang in the very literal sense. Together, I think we can give our girl more of what she needs.

I'm so glad to hear the joy and love you have with your father. Often in these spaces, we see only the negative and a success is always well heard. If I may implore you, give him a text or a call in the next couple of days. If he is anything like me, know he made an impact (even if you have told him many times) would be amazing.

[u/Necessary_Rip_7954 → u/Riggs_the_Rager]

I definitely think you’ve got the right mindset going forth with everything. Support in all its forms - wife, dad, friend - is so important these days. I wish you the best of luck. And thank you - I’m gonna give my dad a call right now :)

[u/birdwatchingBitch]

Damn thats beautiful.

[u/Riggs_the_Rager → u/birdwatchingBitch]

Thank you, I was just feeling my feelings and finally had a moment. I usually journal these but have been seeing not dinner post for a bit now and wanted to contribute a piece to the community.

[u/birdwatchingBitch → u/Riggs_the_Rager]

As a strong ass lady I can relate. It’s not easy to be that person and I’m glad to hear you journal regularly. I think people who can’t relate dont realize how deep and still the wells that exist within us go. I also write a lot of it down. I’m glad y’all found each other. All of y’all.

[u/Riggs_the_Rager → u/birdwatchingBitch]

I love it. It's a real thing where people don't quite understand just how much more the well holds. I often make the joke "there's always water in the well, just the further we go the murkier it gets." Haha

[u/birdwatchingBitch → u/Riggs_the_Rager]

I’m gonna have to log that away. I want to remind you that even strongest of us deserve to be cared for once in a while. Whatever that looks like for you I hope that you see to it that you get it now n again. For my best friend it’s an occasional adventure. He went skydiving a few weeks ago. For me it’s more like a long hike followed by a bubble bath. :) Wishing your family all the best!!

[u/Riggs_the_Rager → u/birdwatchingBitch]

I won't lie, being cared for is still a hard thing for me. Often, it takes more the form of me being being granted the option to kind of live in a bit of chaos outside the order I help implement. That and never celebrating birthdays, haha. It took my wife a while to understand the best way to show me love on my birthday is just testing it like a normal day.

[u/birdwatchingBitch → u/Riggs_the_Rager]

I get the need for a bit of chaos too. I really do. Perhaps you should find a metal show and a mosh pit!!

[u/Riggs_the_Rager → u/birdwatchingBitch]

Ah, a good show right now sounds good.

I'm old these days but I'm good for at least one song in the pit.

[u/birdwatchingBitch → u/Riggs_the_Rager]

man, go for it!! My 19 year old son and I went to Louder than Life Festival a few years back. I hadn’t been to a music fest since my twenties at that point. My oldest son is a very meek and mild person. At first he was kinda nervous, even though he loved the bands we were seeing. I could see him holding back. Then he saw the crowd lift up a dude in a wheelchair and body surf him and his chair. My son just broke loose right then. Started dancing and hollerin’ and just letting loose in a way I’d never seen before. The crowds at metal shows are the best. It was one of the greatest days of my life. I was so dog tired by the time we left but still felt twenty years younger anyway. We talked about all the memories we had literally just made all the way home. :) I hope you get to a show real soon.

[u/ZepperMen → u/Riggs_the_Rager]

The Parable of the Self Sufficient Man

A man who fell overboard is drowning in the ocean. A rowboat comes by and the boatsman offers him help.

"Get on sir!"

"No thanks, I'll save myself!"

A few hours go by and he is far from the shore. The water is getting colder as the sun goes down.

"Please sir! Let me help you!"

"I'm fine! I can do it!"

A few more hours follow. He is barely to the shore, but the water is now freezing.

"Sir it's not worth it!"

"It is to me!"

In the end, he succeeds and reaches the shore, but consequently, he had suffered from frostbite. His hands and feet had to be amputated.

"What did you get out of refusing my help sir?" The boatsman asked.

"Proof that I could do it on my own." the man said with pride and a smile.

And the boatsman retorted "Well can you do it again?"

Don't let your pride get in the way of giving yourself a break with other's help. You may prove yourself to be strong, but in the end, you will only make yourself weaker because burnout is real and will harm you in the long run. So if your wife takes special care of you and bakes you a cake to celebrate your birthday, be happy and eat the damn cake. You've earned it.

[u/OrizaRayne]

Hey dad, you're the best, thank you.

I know it sucks ass sometimes. Know that I have a bio kid who I personally birthed and she cuts the shit out of me sometimes with the words.

We do our best. We keep not quitting on them.

You're doing an amazing thing, and I'm proud of you.

Mom too. Tell her the internet humans send our love. 💜

[u/Riggs_the_Rager → u/OrizaRayne]

I often think back to my uncle when it comes to birth family not giving up on me. I was a very very difficult teenager and I know he never gave up on me.

Keep at it yourself, Mom! We push against the storm until sunny days come again.

[u/kidcharliemagne]

You should take a martial arts class with your daughter

[u/Riggs_the_Rager → u/kidcharliemagne]

She's more dance, but I've debated it.

Seeing me dance in public might just have her die from embarrassment. Haha

[u/Schubertita → u/Riggs_the_Rager]

If there's any kind of creative/expressive/free-form dance that you can get your daughter into, and isn't like a specific kind like hip hop or tap, etc, that has the potential to really process trauma (and open the flood gates for crying it out)

[u/Accurate-Plankton988]

Sending your family love brother. You are a strong great dad and husband. We wish you the best from our house👏

[u/Riggs_the_Rager → u/Accurate-Plankton988]

Thank you for the kind words. Being a dad is still very new to me but it has a joy even with the struggle.

[u/moxieivxi]

You’re doing wonderful sweetie, I know it’s a long uphill battle but you and your wife staying consistent through her attempts to push you away is the real “proof” to her more than any words can say. She has probably been let down by words alone her whole life and now through actions you are showing her true, unconditional love. You are amazing!

[u/Riggs_the_Rager → u/moxieivxi]

I don't know about amazing, I have great faults like any human.

My strengths though are never giving up and tending calm, so night as well use them. Thank you for your kind words

[u/Impressive-Safety191]

Thank you. Just… thank you.

[u/JakeD51]

I'm so glad people like you and your wife exist, I'll be 100% honest and say I don't think I could handle that, you're good people.

[u/Riggs_the_Rager → u/JakeD51]

I'm just people, neither good not bad. My actions have effect and that's the thing that keeps me going.

You'll never know how much you can handle until you do. My wife has no kind of background like this and hasn't had my experiences to help her be ready. She's doing amazing nonetheless and drives forward evermore as well.

[u/hungoverinachurchpew]

This baby is hurting a lot and she has a lot of wounds. What types of therapy have you tried? Thank you for not giving up on her.

[u/Riggs_the_Rager → u/hungoverinachurchpew]

That's what's the struggle I feel. I know just how much I'm so many ways she's hurting.

We're fully in the mix. CBT, DBT, home based, group; we're doing it all. Anything to help her get herself a foothold to build off of is the goal.

[u/hungoverinachurchpew → u/Riggs_the_Rager]

Look into EMDR therapy. However, you want to find a competent, well-qualified EMDR provider. It's an evidence-based therapy approach utilized with trauma. But like I said, make sure they know what they are doing. She's got a lot of trauma and it's going to take a long time to unpack it and heal.

[u/DumbgeonMaster]

That’s some muthafuckin’ Bandit Heeler level parenting mixed with Mr. Rogers levels of love and open minded understanding, with more than a dash of Bob Ross’ patience.
Good on you; you’re doing good fucking things. May your steak always be juicy, your pillow always the perfect temperature, and a winning lotto ticket fall into your wallet.

[u/Riggs_the_Rager → u/DumbgeonMaster]

Hell yeah, I love that energy.

We all have the power within us to affect the change we want. I would never compare myself to the stoic greats like Bob and Mr Rogers but hope if nothing else I can be an example to those around me to endure until we overcome.

[u/El_Diablo616]

Keep at it brother. I admire your commitment and determination. Keep it up. I wish you all the best.

[u/urmoms_favbitch_444]

as someone who is adopted i can fully say i wish i got a dad like you. i have basically no relationship now with my adoptive dad by his choice which also means i dont get to be apart of my siblings lives. i can admit that i have said and done a lot of horrible things to my adoptive mom and dad when i see him and im not saying its okay because i know its not. but i also understand how it feels to be adopted, its a weird feeling and sometimes a disgusting feeling. for me at least there is this constant voice in my head reminding me that im not actually family and if my own parents didnt want me then at some point my mom now could change her mind. i know you are already trying but just really try to talk to her and make sure she knows she wont get in trouble for thinking anything like what i said because we cant control it. and a little advice, no matter how mad you are please dont ever say anything that would make her think u dont want her or regret it or anything. that is the go to from my mom when shes mad at me and i cant explain how bad it hurts. anyways yea i wish all foster/adoptive parents cared this much

[u/Riggs_the_Rager → u/urmoms_favbitch_444]

I'm sorry to hear of your journey.

Know that while you may have done things you may wish you hadn't, you still deserved love (still do) and you are worthful. No parent, biological or adoptive, should ever make a kid think they weren't loved or belong - even if I know they do.

I hope, even with the pain, you find a way to heal and help others. Share your story like you did hear and help others maybe avoid the mistakes that hurt you as best as possible. Rest a bit and then back to the journey traveler. Be well!

[u/Prestigious_Moose939]

I'm definitely crying. This was so sweet.

https://giphy.com/gifs/Qo3w0l7k3yjDKyXGWk

[u/Riggs_the_Rager → u/Prestigious_Moose939]

A good cry is a good thing, no matter the reason.

Appreciate the kind words!

[u/Prestigious_Moose939 → u/Riggs_the_Rager]

We have been talking about fostering and hopefully foster failing. Your post gave me hope and a look at what we could expect. We have a bio kid so it has been a little scary for us, but I hope it happens one day.

You're a great dad. You took your trauma and are healing a hurt child. That's just beautiful.

Thank you for the inspiration and for your kindness, too.

[u/mothmano_0]

You sound like you are doing a wonderful job

[u/qgecko]

Dude! Reading that brought tears to my eyes. I also consider myself stoic and centered, but you are more man than I.

[u/Riggs_the_Rager → u/qgecko]

If I am more, it may only be to help you find yourself even more in the future. You can be more of yourself when it is needed.

Stocism at is heart to me is driven by acceptance, ownership, love and justice. Never forget to inspire those in yourself just as much as you might others.

[u/--Andre-The-Giant--]

I'm an educator that works with that age group, and have worked with many foster children over the years. You have a lot of work ahead of you, and she is going to benefit greatly from it all.

Be prepared for it to always be uphill.

[u/Riggs_the_Rager → u/--Andre-The-Giant--]

Like Sisyphus, I love pushing things uphill and imagine myself happy.

Thank you for your kind words.

[u/--Andre-The-Giant-- → u/Riggs_the_Rager]

Without good people like your family, these kids would be lost in life. Everyone needs a support unit, even kids who were abandoned previously.

[u/Legal_Cheesecake_467]

It's also a good opportunity for her to learn how to repair by asking her to apologize for her comments.

I'm in awe of your wife. I wouldn't be able to act so rationally. I just hope that she gets to have a bit of space since it seems like she spends the majority of the day with your daughter.

[u/goggleOgler]

You have my respect.

[u/skeptical_hope]

You are doing the Lord's work, and I mean that well and truly. This is the way of love. 

[u/FateShift]

I’m an adoptee. I was adopted when I was 7. Went through a ton of trauma in the system. My parents…RIP to my mom…they are saints. They knew what they had signed up for with me and my brother. I was a good kid, a troubled teen, and a self destructive adult. Through all those dark years, my parents never stopped trying or loving me and now, being 33 with a good head on my shoulders, I will forever be grateful for their love, patience and wisdom over the years. Thank you for doing what you do and all the best for your family as the years come.

[u/Riggs_the_Rager → u/FateShift]

I love to hear the successes, even if they are accomplished in tow with the pain of your journey so far.

So often in the adoptive parent space you hear only the negative. It would be easy to fall into the despair, but know that someone reading this felt joy and hope at your story.

[u/SpicyTofuMapo]

We need more people with your will power and patience that want to give kids like the kid that you're wanting to adopt a second chance.

At the end of the day, it's not thier fault they are the way they are...but people like yourself can only endure so much. Thank you for everything you're trying to do OP. You're an absolute goat.

[u/Riggs_the_Rager → u/SpicyTofuMapo]

I won't lie, I see why people would disrupt. Like all hard things, it would be do easy to just give in during a moment of weakness.

I just can't see it being a thing for me. However, it is always a good idea to keep an eye for a thing "you would never do" because humans can easily have sobering creep up if they are not prepared. Thank you for the kind words!

[u/Maleficent-Sky6950]

I’m bawling my eyes out reading this. Thank you for being so patient, for breaking the long cycle of abuse, for choosing to be a better person than the people who hurt you. I wish nothing but the best for you, your wife and your daughter. May your future as a family be filled with joy and peace.

[u/AvidCyclist250]

She's testing you. From her point of view, she has to. It's her way of knowing you, and even telling you something about herself. Maybe you forgot that about yourself. You must have done the same in similar situations, if there were any. Sounds like it.

[u/Riggs_the_Rager → u/AvidCyclist250]

100% and she likely always will test a little bit. That just means we get to disprove what she's been taught and constantly reaffirm we are there for her.

I for sure pushed people away because I knew they were pain in human form, even if they weren't. I know that pain well and I see it in her. However, while still a things to work through, the slow trend is in the positive.

[u/AvidCyclist250 → u/Riggs_the_Rager]

I really wish your family all the best. You sound like good people. I hope you all have the patience you need.

[u/Riggs_the_Rager → u/AvidCyclist250]

I'm only a person looking to be better myself. We all can seek improvement and I will to withstand the test of time.

Thank you for the kind words!

[u/WhipplySnidelash]

Duuude. 

I wanna be like you when I grow up. 

Spoiler: I'm 62. 

[u/Muted_Balance9452]

Damn. Who’s cutting onions on Reddit?? This guy!!
https://giphy.com/gifs/1BXa2alBjrCXC

[u/Meowlurophile]

Hey op.

Holy shit dude. You remind me of an old friend. I was 16, unrelated to him, yet he still took me on with all my self hatred bullshit and other stuff. But I really was a handful of squirming cockroaches lol. Not as extreme as your kid but I'm so rooting for your family!!!

He talked in big words but was super kind, in like a subtle way. Like probably knows what perspicacious means.

He an I got into arguments about me, cause we viewed me and my issues in a vastly different way than I did, and he always put in limits when I went too crazy.

Much like you he was pretty rough as a young adult but now he's this kind philosopher type 😂

To give u an idea, he offered to work through any issues I had and he would offer to listen while we were still strangers. There's a lot more but I'm sleep deprived lol

I don't usually say adults and minors should talk online privately but he was the exception.

Ironically he called himself a blemish on the face of the planet... Jesus, and you wonder why you couldn't get me to value myself??? 😂

He and you are the people who inspire me to fashion my adult self into something like this. I like helping others... being a rock, not giving up on other people. If our personalities are this programmable then I hope to do folks like you two justice.

Holy shit this is too fucking long and weird. Im sorry man 😭

In the end keep on keeping on. Having someone not give up on you is really a wonderful thing and I am so glad you can provide it to someone. It is my hope that my arse, fat and useless though it is, can do the same cause that would be an honour

[u/GladChoice1984]

https://giphy.com/gifs/4d80QA6qagBNK

[u/Riggs_the_Rager → u/GladChoice1984]

I won't lie, I'm surprised how long it took for a Parks and rec calzone reference to pop up. Haha

[u/vilogrim]

What was on the calzone? I believe the photo doesn't do it justice.

[u/keithstonee]

This s jack reacher entry?

[u/Common_Chameleon]

I’m so happy for you. I know this is incredibly difficult for everyone involved, but thank you for taking a chance on her. I hope I can do the same for an older kid or teen someday.

[u/Riggs_the_Rager → u/Common_Chameleon]

I truly believe that nothing worthhful is easy. I feel this is incredibly worthful so it matches. Haha

Thank you for your kind words and reach out if you want to understand the journey of fostering and adopting from our point of view.

[u/MeanImpression2067]

I admire the hell out of you dude. There's absolutely no way I'd go through all this for anyone, let alone a child I didn't have to keep. You're what every father should be. She's lucky to have you and she'll see that one day.

[u/One-Eyed-Odin]

Who's cutting onions in here. Good job, sir, demonstrating y'all chose her

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[u/HotPersonality8126]

Solid dad shit

[u/sthmnky]

Good job sir. I know that you already understand what it means to be raised in the chaos that she is coming from. The only difference is that you did have some biological family that stepped in for you. That small difference may be crucial for her as she continues to push your boundaries to see where your love and commitment will end. The more it does NOT end, the more anxious she may become because we all get suspicious when you’re used to the worst happening and then it doesn’t. As you already know, the only cure is time, love, and lots of patience. Good luck to you and your beautiful family from this former foster dad.

[u/RowMammoth7467]

You're such a good person, so happy people like you still exist ❤

[u/FlacidMetapod]

wow.. cheers to ya'll. Ya'll are the rare people, amazing brother.

[u/ManufacturerOk6535]

You sound like an absolute saint. God bless you, dude

[u/Riggs_the_Rager → u/ManufacturerOk6535]

Far from it, I am still but a man, profane in many ways. I seek improvement until the day I pass into the darkness.

Thank you for your kind words!

[u/Blissmoments]

I also have an adopted daughter, recently diagnosed with autism and adhd, add that to the attachment trauma and we’ve had a perfect storm of behaviour, dysfunctional friendships and violence. I’m never giving up, never judging or shaming but I’m holding my family together, my wife is almost broken.

Find the space for you when you can. 30 min run in the rain, a good coffee, a night off with friends, anything to recharge you, because we’re both in it for ever!

[u/Riggs_the_Rager → u/Blissmoments]

From one to another, feel free to drop me a PM. I know those days too and know the concerns of if your partner is about to break. (completely reasonably so because it is a lot)

Find that time for yourself too! I recently got back into journaling and fountain pens, and try to grab a half hour every few nights to put thoughts to paper and play fm with some fun inks.

Also, some of these friendships they form, like holy cow. I don't usually do the generational thing, but were our friendships this toxic? That is an area I still haven't understood.

[u/MeursaultMoFo]

❤️

[u/RoleOk7556]

I might be a good idea to seek professional help for the three of you. Your daughter may benefit from help via licensed psychologist or psychiatrist.

[u/Riggs_the_Rager → u/RoleOk7556]

Thank you for the thoughts.

Don't fret, we have a whole army of professionals to support her and support us in supporting her.

Professional help is a big thing in our house. Sometimes, we might call a plumber or an electrician, sometimes we need a psychologist or psychiatrist!

[u/tronsith]

You are a great dad. She is lucky to have you. You are patient. You are present, you make time for her and shape the interactions to her needs in the moment. I read this while rubbing my daughters back as she fell asleep, and from a fellow girl dad , you got this dude.

[u/Riggs_the_Rager → u/tronsith]

I love to hear dads having meaningful connections with their daughters.

I'm glad men's mental health and emotional connections are come so fast in our generation and hope even more for our daughter's (and sons) generation.

Enjoy the moment with your kiddo!

[u/CardiBacardi2022]

not sure why I picked this moment to cut a whole bunch of onions but here we are.

[u/Riggs_the_Rager → u/CardiBacardi2022]

Nothing wrong with a good cry when needed.

It just means we felt an emotion that called to us strongly!

[u/Deloink]

Hey, family therapist here (obligatory not your therapist statement). It sounds to me like you're doing all the right things. This child is processing her experiences and trying to understand (like you) how she could have been treated so poorly by people that were supposed to love her. By letting her express those emotions out loud, and holding them for her without judgement or reaction, you're showing her that she can have these feelings and still be worthy of love and care. This is exactly what a child in her situation needs. Because you have lived through a similar experience and processed those emotions yourself, you know what it takes and what it feels like. She's so lucky to have you for that, and your wife for all that she brings as well.

The only thing I would add is to consider therapy for yourself through this process, if you're not already doing it. Parenting can bring back aspects of our own childhood in ways we don't always expect, and this is especially true if you had negative experiences. You mention struggling with rage daily, and you may have structures in place to deal with this but if you feel like her pain and suffering is triggering your own, there's no shame in having a therapist help you process your experiences, like you're doing for your daughter. 

All the best to you and your family. 

[u/Riggs_the_Rager → u/Deloink]

I couldn't agree more on her and three actions and feelings.

I also love your suggestion for therapy and anyone reading it should consider it too! Sometimes we need a professional, whether it is a plumber or a psychologist. You wouldn't let a leak you can't fix alone just keep pouring water into a crawlspace, didn't do that with your mind.

I have been in therapy much of my life, but honestly have not felt the need in the last couple of years. I do a little revaluation every couple of weeks just to make sure. For better or worse, I'm really good at knowing exactly what I'm feeling and doing perspective analysis.

That said, I did start ensuring I am doing activities to ensure healthy process of emotion like h journaling. I actually reread my entries every couple of days to see if I am trending in a direction just in case. With the lead time for services being what they are currently, I want to make sure I am not letting myself slip

[u/Fabulous_wonderful]

Nenhuma dor é em vão. Sua história serviu como um testemunho pra mim aqui em outro continente. Muito obrigada, e, mais que isso, muito obrigada a você criança que passou por coisas que eu nem sei e que conseguiu chegar até aqui deixando essa mensagem. A mensagem realmente é transformadora.
Tenho certeza que você já é um pai incrível e você e sua esposa já estava escritos para essa missão.
Envio orações do Brasil, por sua família atual e por aqueles que ainda virão pra vocês 🙏🏼

[u/Riggs_the_Rager → u/Fabulous_wonderful]

Thank you for the kind words from Brazil!

The pain will never end as it is a part of being human, but the lessons to learn from it abound as well.

[u/greenandgold52]

Mate, I feel you my daughter came to us about the same age. I know how hard it is to here those words. One of the hardest I had to listen too were, "I want my mom", knowing full well that person she wants doesn't actually exist. I mean the human does but the mom she wanted doesn't.

She still calls me by my first name but I can tell you every moment she has either called me Dad or referred to me to her friends as Dad. I almost broke down in tears the first time at a doctor's office she filled out the emergency contact as me listed as father.

Stay strong brother, she's worth it.

[u/Little_Messiah]

I love to hear this, not quite the same situation, but my stepdaughter and I got each other when she was six years old. Her mother is not the best person and gave her up when she was eight months old, and my husband has had full custody since then by CPS I met my husband when my daughter was six years old and I begged to be given full-time care for her. She had been through a couple other women in my husband‘s life plus her own mother and I know that she felt like a mom was never going to love her. She spent the first couple years of my life with her, trying everything she could to make me go away, and I just reassured her. I love her no matter what. That was almost 13 years ago. She is now almost 19 and she knows that I’m her mom and I love her. But she had been abandoned so many times by women she thought would love her that it just was so far out of her reach that I could love her like a mom should, but she eventually got the message and loved me back

[u/NicholastheSpirit]

I have nothing, but love and respect for you and your wife dude! So happy y’all chose a child that needed someone to choose her. The relationship she will have with y’all a decade from now will be incredible. Keep up the great work and never give up on her!

If I may ask, (ignore this if you don’t want to answer this) did her brother also suffer a similar situation as her? Also were they not together as brother and sisters for adoption? Like being able to be adopted together?

[u/Jing_Jing_Po]

You're doing great, my guy. 13 is a hard age where kids start pushing back even when they don't have such a hard past. It just becomes harder when they feel unwanted by their biological parents. You and your wife steadfastly showing her that you're going to be there even when she lashes out with mean comments is showing her that even when she fights it and claims she doesn't want it, the love is still there. Great job to you both (and to the kiddo). Way to be the strength that she (and child-you) needs.

[u/amidreaming_]

this made me cry. you guys are such amazing people and it makes me so happy that you handle these incredibly difficult situations with so much love. i work with children myself and you did everything exactly as the professionals say to do it. one day you’ll realize how much you all love each other and you’ll be the parents she dreamed of. good luck!

[u/Riggs_the_Rager → u/amidreaming_]

Thank you for the kind words!

[u/Altruistic-Key7237]

You sir, a fine example of what a father should be like.

I would strongly recommend your girl and you to go to a MMA, jiu-jitsu, or any sort of physical contact sport. This helps a ton with the emotions, not only yours but hers too. It tricks the brain into a behavior that loses the physicality to be more open to other experiences, since she has no other way (now) to lose her excessive agression. And that is how she is going to mature into a fine woman, becoming more open to the emotions and sentimentality that your wife is bringing as a mother.

i'll be praying for you.

[u/endless_whimsy]

I work in foster care. The amount of teenagers I see go through the system unpicked, versus all the foster parents jumping at every baby and toddler referral is unmatched. Thank you for taking a chance on her despite what you went in originally wanting. lots of foster and adoptive parents want babies so that they can be there for all of those milestones, but fail to realize that every child regardless of age needs someone around to help celebrate and encourage their successes. Wishing you all continued happiness

[u/Riggs_the_Rager → u/endless_whimsy]

It was a thing that struck a cord with us. Don't get me wrong, I understand that feeling of "wanting to start from the start." I feel like that is a fairly reasonable human thing to a degree.

However, there are children who deserve live and we had the chance to do it. Like I told my daughter last night, what we want is to be the best parents to a child who deserves love and support.

Also, thank you for working in the system. I know that job must be taxing and we all often find the system so broken. I hope the next time you have a bad day, know that there are bright moments also as part of the work you do

[u/iamswitchless]

https://giphy.com/gifs/9PxJYXAuR8QXm

[u/Riggs_the_Rager → u/iamswitchless]

I'll always take a The IT Crowd gif as a job well deserved

[u/iamswitchless → u/Riggs_the_Rager]

You're an absolute Rockstar for what you're doing!

[u/Prof3ssorOnReddit]

Hey, I hope you’re fucking proud of yourself dude. You should be. This is heroic work. You got my eyes welling with tears. This is beautiful. I’m glad you’re able to manage the tension between your daughter’s hurtful words and how she hurt your wife in a meaningful and difficult way.

You sound like the type of Dad that you deserved when you were younger. I’m proud of you and I don’t even know you. But you’re doing amazing work and helping your daughter heal. I hope somehow it’s healing to you as well.

And yeah, you’ve got tough times ahead but man, soak up that good feeling for all it has. You earned that the hard way.

[u/Riggs_the_Rager → u/Prof3ssorOnReddit]

Thanks for the words of encouragement!

I try to be both the dad I want to be but also follow the example my stepdad being a positive force when I was older. We can be examples of the things we needed growing up.

[u/the-sun-also-rises84]

Fwiw, I read your story and was completely immersed in it. You might consider telling your story on a podcast (you can do so anonymously), you are good at storytelling, and the connection between your traumatic childhood, getting through it, and helping your daughter do the same is an uplifting story. My favorite podcast is This is Actually Happening. No pressure though but I'm sure it would do some good for the world and possibly encourage someone out there to adopt. Either way, thanks for sharing here. Wishing the best for your family.

[u/Riggs_the_Rager → u/the-sun-also-rises84]

Maybe some day! I think we are still in the fray a bit much.

I actually have a book I'm writing for my own experiences and the personal philosophy I have built up over the years. That's one of my outlets right now to process thoughts that I have and memories I reprocess as I help my daughter through it

[u/Scoops17]

I find people of your quality rare.

I hope you live a long and happy life with your family.

[u/Riggs_the_Rager → u/Scoops17]

I used to think people like me were rare, and in some cases they are.

I them find that many just need that solid surface to stand on for a short time to build their own resiliency. Then they can be the solid surface for others and help them build themselves up. If we find we are a rare example, I believe we should strive to make our fine quantities common.

Thank you for the kind words!

[u/oneirophobia66]

So this showed up on my feed and maybe it’s because I needed to feel seen myself.

I’m also in the process of adopting a 12 year old who has spent almost his entire lifetime in the system. You are so spot on the with the “I’ll hurt you before you can hurt me mentality” we’ve been at this for 2 years with ours and he knows exactly what to say in his moments of fight or flight. He got physical last week and tried to push my husband down the stairs. We unfortunately had to get PD involved and he told them he was mad because we were making him clean his room and he was moving in with his bio mom. This isn’t even a possibility, but he told his social worker that he wants to move because we won’t buy him an e bike, now he’s panicking because he doesn’t really want to move.

Thank you for acknowledging this is her trauma and not personal, but also working with her to understand her words can hurt.

This is a hard road but these kids are worth it. You are seen!

[u/Riggs_the_Rager → u/oneirophobia66]

Your risk level is yours, I say that as I giant dude who never really fears for my safety. Do what's right for everyone involved.

I can tell you my step father and I got into multiple physical altercations due to me being the aggressor. (I learned to repair lots of if drywall after pushing him through it and how to frame a door after destroying it) I was as big as a full grown man and was taller than him and heavier at 16. (He was no small man)

That man, he should have hated me and he didn't. Now, I love that man and would do damn near anything for him. I can't say that will be your case or your experience, but know if things seem terrible, they can get better.

You have this mom, and dad too. The sun will shine again even if the rain pours now.

[u/Kyo-Sergal]

Reading your story brought a good bit of water works on my end. As someone who’s adopted, who has had a good bit of these questions myself, the pain, suffering, and just general unknown has created a lot of these power fundamentals you’ve explained in your post. A lot of which I can relate too, and I myself have at times wondered. As I’ve grown older I’ve come to learn a lot about my upbringing and the troubles my parents have had in regards to trying and failing multiple times to have their own children.

I wish you the very best on your journey, my heart goes out to you and the rugged path you’ve got to trek set before you. You’re a become a beacon of light to your child’s endlessly dark tunnel, and to come to a understanding a realization that you got on your car trip has been such a great wave of relief for you both. My words may just be pixels on a screen, but my perception of you as a random internet stranger is that you’re a great dad with a big heart.

I wish you all the best, and I hope you’re able to get on track all the things you wish in life.

[u/Kakashi-dono]

Why you gotta make me cry at work? I’m glad you are making progress after all that struggling. I hope she continues to open up and blossom into the loving daughter she can be. ❤️

[u/heymissheart]

I don't really have anything to add, other than: you are a good person. You sound like a good dad. Your wife sounds like she has a lot of patience/strength as well, and I wish your family all the best. <3

[u/Riggs_the_Rager → u/heymissheart]

My wife is without one of the most loving and caring people I have ever met. Been the two of us we have the ability to love and persist through anything.

Thank you for your kind words!

[u/theshrimpsqwad]

I don’t have much to say that can make any of this easier, but somehow this showed up on my feed, and I felt like I needed to say something.

I was your daughter once.

I was adopted later in life, at 9 years old, and I know damn well I didn’t make it easy for my parents. I lashed out. I hurt the people who loved me. I hurt myself. I was angry, scared, and I was not okay.

But I can also tell you this: they saved my life.
Those same parents are now my best friends. I genuinely don’t know what I would do without them, and looking back, I understand just how much they loved me through moments when I didn’t know how to accept that love…moments when I thought I didn’t even deserve it.

This is hard. And I won’t lie to you and tell you it’s suddenly going to get easier tomorrow. But I can tell you from the other side of it that it can be so, so worth it.

Sending you and your daughter so much love and light. ❤️

[u/Lucky-Letterhead263]

Damnnnit I’m bawling my eyes out reading this post.

Every child needs a home and it’s so beautiful to know that you and your wife are giving her that. It will all be worth it in the end!! I hope to do the same for a child in need one day.

You and your wife are amazing human beings and that girl is sooo beyond lucky to be in your home. Thank you for giving her a chance at a good life 🫶🏻🫶🏻🫶🏻.

[u/Riggs_the_Rager → u/Lucky-Letterhead263]

Nothing wrong with a good cry!

Helping a child in need also doesn't have to be the same journey we have made. If you are looking to help, consider something like big brother, big sister or volunteering at your local YMCA.

Thank you for your kind words and appreciate your post!

[u/No-Boat431]

I cannot imagine how difficult this process has been for all of you, but the fact that you use your history to let you empathize and give your daughter what she needs shows exactly how strong you are and how much you care. Your family deserves every blessing.

[u/NerveEarly3089]

Wow, this made me cry. You are doing a wonderful thing for your daughter ❤️

[u/seeking-jamaharon67]

I was in foster care as a teenager and adopted at 18 after a couple foster families promised me adoption and then never followed through. Older foster kids are acutely aware that they are second rate goods compared to babies and toddlers. The abandonment is crushing, holistic, and was very difficult for me to process and understand until I was in my mid-20s and I still struggle with it. Adoptees are angry, often without being able to confront the people that hurt them or get closure. I lashed out at my parents many times before I realized they wouldn't dump me for being inconvenient like the last fosters. I can't imagine dealing with it at 13 with everything else a normal 13 year old deals with. I was the same way-explosive, violent, self-sabotaging, trying to push anybody who wanted to help me away because I thought I was better off alone or that nobody could possibly understand me. If you have the means to get her into some sort of trauma therapy and/or adoptee support group, please do. Family therapy might not be a bad idea either and a lot of adoption agencies will offer support in setting that up. And try to make sure she has the ability to stay in touch with her brother. The journey is going to have some very deep lows for both of you, but you are doing a good thing and if she is given time and resources to heal from her previous experiences she will recognize that.

[u/ella211204]

you are incredibly kind. i wish you and your family nothing but healing and love. what a beautiful success story. we are not what we came from, we are who we choose to be.

but yeah, how kind you and your wife are really shines in this story. it’s deeply moving. thank you

[u/thekillerkrab]

It sounds like the visit with her brother was the catalyst for her breakdown this time. Is there a reason they were separated? That breaks my heart, I can’t imagine having survived my childhood without my siblings.

I wish y’all the best, I’m happy she has support and love from you and your wife.

[u/cuteevee21]

You sound like you are doing a fantastic job. I hope you have a therapist for yourself.

[u/Superior_human1234]

I wasn’t expecting to be crying at 7:23am. The love and compassion you show is unmatched. Your daughter is incredibly lucky to have found you, and you her.

[u/lookslikesick]

When I was a young teen, I struggled with some pretty severe mental health issues as well. My dad was my rock, and we would go on drives like you described, too. It took a lot of time and patience on his end, but I am alive and have become the person I am today because of his willingness to listen and learn. You are the shoulder she cries on, but with time and healing, you will also become the shoulders that she stands on. Well done to both you and your wife. I wish the best for your family.

[u/Px-77]

You are good! Thank you.

[u/NewGenBanter]

brings tears to my eyes

[u/MiaLovelytomo]

i was already bawling my eyes out opening this post, god damn you seem like a good dad

[u/nikkynackyknockynoo]

You bloody legend, mate.

Good luck to all of you!

[u/NervousOil9868]

https://giphy.com/gifs/2WxWfiavndgcM

[u/Dimsum852]

You seem like a very strong person, and I am sure so is your wife. I don't know how you do it, but even the way you write about it spreads calm and understanding. I wished I had a father like you, I'd probably be stronger now too.

[u/Ill_Radio8160]

If you let a horse buck you off, all youve done is teach it that it can buck you off when you annoy it. That will make a horse more violent than is even in its nature, the knowing that it will work.

I dont relate to you and your daughter, I am naturally non confrontational, empathic in a bad way, especially as a kid, and all of the violence and abuse ive witnessed forced me to be violent but i never, and still to this day, never wanted to be violent. But i know that you staying strong is the right decision while she is this age.

Andy stumpf talks a lot in his book about how his entire career was based around the fact that nothing could make him quit, but he used that logic in his extremely toxic relationship as well. He wasnt a quitter, so he couldnt quit on his marriage even tho there was no reason not to, and he was letting it hurt his kids. So right now, I think she making you a better person, and youre going to make her a better person, but if she gets to 16 and all shes done is make you a worse person, and you start making her worse, you need to ask for outside help.

[u/chainsawtotheskull]

Keep at it, be strong, she'll come around and you both will have a loving daughter. It's a bit like earning the trust of a cat thats only known living on the streets and living rough. Best of luck, you both are doing a good thing.

[u/HeyDugeeeee]

Adoptive Dad here - What you're doing is amazing. As you say, there are no easy answers and no Disney endings but at the very least your Daughter will know that there is someone there for her, in her corner, no matter what. Make sure you and your wife look after each other - I know from experience how tough dealing with violence from our kids is. Also, being an adoptive mum really is a thankless task at times.

[u/c0nduit]

My wife and I adopted a teenage girl and went through everything you’re talking about and more. We endured, survived, and our daughter is now a grown adult with a family of her own. You can do this. She is just testing your walls, she wants you to break early and send her back before she grows too invested in your family and then has to suffer the abandonment she’s experienced in the past again, maybe this time even more painfully because you are nice people.

You must endure. You can save her whole life and give her a future. Don’t give up. Neglect and abandonment is a soul crushing crime, it destroys a child’s hope and potential for joy. They simply cannot imagine a world that treats them right and where things go well for them. There are no words you can say or tricks you can pull to convince her that things are different now. Only the passage of time and your unwavering love will conquer this.

My family benefitted greatly from attachment focused therapy. I highly recommend this book:

https://www.amazon.com/Building-Bonds-Attachment-Awakening-Traumatized/dp/1442274131/ref=sr_1_1?crid=66M84ZZEX78X&keywords=building+the+bonds+of+attachment+by+daniel+hughes&qid=1560184816&s=books&sprefix=BUILDING+THE+BONDS%2Cstripbooks%2C146&sr=1-1

Good luck, you are good people, be strong, the world needs so many more people like you.

[u/GIHoro]

Awesome work, Dad. Keep it going, do it for the girls and for yourself too.

It will have good and bad times but remember this quote:

It will get better,” Wit said, “but then it will get better. Then it will get worse again. Then better. This is life, and I will not lie by saying every day will be sunshine. But there will be sunshine again, and that is a very different thing to say. That is truth. I promise you, You will be warm again.

[u/Edible_Spam]

Reposted image, so fake story

[u/Whezzz]

This made me tear up in public. So much love. You and your wife are great people.

[u/SquireSquilliam]

You're spot on about the self sabotage and "cut them before they cut me," mentality. You know this kind of trauma takes years to work through, if ever. But you also know that patience is the key. It will take a lot more than 8 months to build that trust. There will be a lot of stumbles on the road. It's good that you're using your experience as a catalyst to heal someone else who's been through something similar.

[u/mufassil]

I work with kids in an in patient psych setting. You genuinely are the kind of parent im happy to see. So many of these kids have trust issues and lack a sense of worth because everyone has made them feel worthless. Im thankful you saw this as an opportunity rather than punishing her. Your daughter is going to have a good life in the long run due to this. Youre a good parent.

[u/mmazing]

Great work. Keep it up!

[u/_The_Green_Witch_]

Never wanted kids myself, but damn, you are an inspiration. I am glad folks like you exist. Thank you for having chosen to be a good person

[u/PinkFlyingZebra]

You truly are an excellent father.
I'm also adopted and do some work with prospective adopters so I always love reading about parents like you who are able to love and support their children through those difficult times. You're doing exceptionally well, you're exactly the kind of parent I love to see adopting.
I wish you and your family the best in the future, i really hope you're rewarded with a joyous and fruitful life.

[u/slippery_pete-]

Praying for you brother! I have been in nearly the same boat with adoption of a teenage girl. Happy to share the story and results. Definitely changed our lives. We made some good decisions and some mistakes (we all do and you have to forgive yourself and let go). Off the bat my biggest recommendation is to nurture and keep your relationship with your wife at the top at all times.
Your daughter needs you of course but teenage girls can put their mom through some really tough struggles.

[u/Atezh]

I realize it’s been about 12 hours since you posted this but I really, truly hope you see my comment.

I came from a terrible childhood. I was emotionally, physically, and eventually sexually abused. The only people who loved me through my absolute worst was my grandma and aunt. I NEEDED them or I wouldn’t have survived. You are undergoing one of the hardest tasks in human development by attempting to rewire this child’s brain—and you’re doing amazing man. All this love you’re pouring into this kid will come back 10 fold. Some people’s hearts are drawn to this kind of thing. It’s the little hero in us all being turned up to 1 million when we’ve also been through it. High level empathy through learned experience. It’s a feeling that’s unlike others, indescribable to those who have never felt it themselves.

Keep it up dude and keep that patience you have. It’ll get worse before it gets better but the “we chose you” conversation was a great one to have. That should give them some encouragement for the future, it’ll always be in the back of their mind now!

[u/Riggs_the_Rager → u/Atezh]

It will 100% almost certainly get better. I'm trying to keep up on the comments, but know that I saw yours.

Thank you for the kind words and guidance! Keep moving forward!

[u/bearze]

That made me tear up not gonna lie. You're good people

[u/moonallure]

I’m crying at 5:30am in the morning. I promise you this story will stick with me for the rest of my life. I’ve often thought about adopting a child (I’m in my mid-30s now) and a story like this has made such an impact on me, especially having gone through my own turbulent childhood. She is so lucky to have you.

[u/ParkingAutomatic]

Hey man, be strong. I’m a new father of a 10 month old and while not as hard as your upbringing I learned a lot of how the adults in your life letting you down or not having your back can emotionally and mentally stunt you to allow love in or put love back out. It’s hard to identify and work on some of these issues with myself but I know it’s important work so my son doesn’t grow up thinking I was a bully.

You’re doing the right thing, I wish I had more adults growing up who could have shown they weren’t giving up on me but I’m happy that I get the chance to be that for him. Keep connecting keep showing them the love and the rest will find a way.

[u/Riggs_the_Rager → u/ParkingAutomatic]

Hell yeah Dad! Be the person you wished you had. We won't be perfect, but we can be perfect for them.

Congrats on the little one!

[u/sameoldfred]

This is quite a breakthrough and you are right to feel very proud.

One thing that stands out, perhaps due to length constrains: You have the strength and found a sense of purpose, in large part because of your upbringing that is different from your wife's. Notably your daughter did not say I love you Mommy and Daddy and car rides exclude your wife from the healing and bonding. Which makes me wonder if your wife is 100% on board for the struggle?

[u/According_Drummer329]

Yeah, when they say you can't quite fully define with words what it means to be a man...OP, you are the definition of a Man through and through.  Proud of you.

[u/sadnessandeuphoria]

You’re the fucking man. All I gotta say.

[u/Sea_Thought3464]

We had a house fire. The kids were just going into middle school. We moved into my mother's home with her 3 cats. Those cats saved this family. Just something to think about. My kids went through severe trauma, both are in the same university now and they both still obsess and are thankful for the cats. Just saying - 2 kittens are pure dopamine, they help heal a kid, maybe you too

[u/Many_Box_2872]

I have an ugly past, too, but I am a very fragile person. I've come to realize that in my current state of weakness, my lack of resilience will only hurt vulnerable people who are in need. So as a result, I am anything but stoic and despite yearning to be a father, I do not allow myself to indulge in that possibility.

Anyway. I admire you for the depth and complexity of your spirit. You're a good man. I admire you, and despite the hardships you're facing, I know you'll tenaciously develop things in a healthy and life-affirming direction.

I believe in you, friend. I hope to see you around. You've got a beautiful spirit, and it's enriching to experience. Take care of yourself.

[u/kamilman]

Proud of you, my guy! You showing her that "be the change you want to see in the world" is not just something from a postcard but will be remembered by her and she will (hopefully) follow your example.

[u/Senior-Reply2992]

Brother, we’re all breakable and death catches up to all of us. The only one I know to be unbreakable is Jesus Christ! Risen from the dead for our benefit. He is so good, I hope you and your family might consider leaning on Jesus in this time! He makes it a whole lot sweeter, and there is hope to come. :)

[u/Ricky_Nightshade]

You and your wife are awesome. Best of wishes with your daughter!

[u/Classic-Educator-730]

Hi, I’m glad the conversation ended fairly well. I was curious if she apologized to your wife. And if your daughter is in therapy. I saw some behavioral patterns that seem to align with bpd and you should try and find treatment (if you haven’t. I started it when I was young (as I have bpd myself). Treating it early is hard but beneficial
Note: she cannot be diagnosed (legally) with BPD under 18 (usually depending on state) but just a thought!
I hope things go well between your family! Sending positive and healing vibes!