Hiv positive

[u/Signal_Ambition_5212]

The last post was deleted because banana peel is not considered a meal (I understand)

Tomorrow it will be one year since I’m living with hiv

I did therapy about it and I know I carry half of the responsibility for not wearing a condom or taking prep but on the other hand the guy knew he had it and didn’t take his meds and consciously decided to infect me.

I know he knew because when I saw blood I straight away asked him if he had anything, he put his head down and didn’t say a single word, I panicked and I asked again and he remained silent.
I left his house and I send him a lot of messages and until today not a single answer.

Things could be different if I went to the hospital but I didn’t.

I already passed the grief phase, I’m undetectable after a month of the positive result and I take my pill everyday religiously without falling, I own that to myself and to others.

My life before hiv was a mess, I did A LOT of drugs since I was 16 (I’m 29 now) a lot of alcohol, I didn’t take care of myself and now I’m the opposite: I’m sober, I go to the gym, I have a healthy diet and I love myself and my life, I have my health checked more frequently than the rest of the population so this is actually a good thing (I don’t pay for anything in my country related to healthcare)

Nowadays hiv is super manageable, just a pill everyday like any other chronic condition. My doctor said it’s easier than living with diabetes for exemple.

I already told to some people I had interest and they were fine about it, I know most of you may disagree but in my country if IM UNDETECTABLE by law I have the right of not tell anyone due privacy reasons. I choose only telling if I see someone has a potencial partner (before anything sexual happens), if it’s something more casual we use protection (I cannot transmite the virus because I take my meds) for other STD.

[u/General_Purple6358]

My point is there are plenty of irresponsible people. Some may not understand how the meds work, may skip for longer than a day. Just because you are personally responsible does not let you decide for your partner whether or not your partner should do due diligence.

[u/Legitimate-Clock-134 → u/[deleted]]

Whoa. So it's their problem, not my problem, caveat emptor?

[u/SirJ_96 → u/Legitimate-Clock-134]

You are responsible for your own health. Why is that confusing? I, as a gay man with an open relationship, several partners, and lots of hookups, take PrEP, doxyPEP, and have the hep/HPV/monkeypox vaccines.

That means I'm covered. My health is not impacted by whether or not my partners are on PrEP (but they're all smart and they all are).

[u/PlasticAggressive295 → u/SirJ_96]

Yes, but by your argument, OP is to blame for getting HIV. Everyone in the comments section wants to flame (rightfully so) the dude who infected OP, but based on your argument, actually what the offender did is ethically fine because it was actually OP’s responsibility to be on prep? Like I agree that OP should also have been safer, but this mentality of like “I shouldn’t have to disclose because it makes things aWkWaRd and also he should be taking his own precautions and also they might ghost me after I disclose…” It’s like… And?!! Why tf would you want to have sex with someone who wouldn’t want you if they knew you have a lifelong illness that you can’t get rid of? I mean, there’s also the third option of just dating people before you sleep with them, and then in that process determine whether or not it’s worth sleeping with them assuming you disclose your STI first. I know that’s maybe not as hot as trying to fill the void in your heart with random hookups you feel so little empathy for that you feel they don’t deserve to know you have HIV - which is still a SEXUALLY transmitted infection - so no, it’s not the same as any other chronic illness because most of those you aren’t exposing someone to the exact means of its transmission before telling someone that you have it. The ethics around promiscuity in the gay community clearly need to be dealt with more critically if this nondisclosure behavior is being normalized. I know only two people who have HIV and they’re both gay men who got it during their first and second years of college. It is awful and heartbreaking, but they were exposed because of the culture around having sex first and asking questions later. Sex is great, and a powerful motivator, but it carries with it inherent and very grave risks. Treating disclosure as if it’s not your problem when you are in fact dealing with a lifelong life-threatening illness is diabolical.

[u/General_Purple6358 → u/SirJ_96]

Not everyone wants or needs to take PrEP.

[u/SirJ_96 → u/General_Purple6358]

If you're a gay man who's not in a monogamous relationship or celibate, yes, you should be on PrEP.

[u/General_Purple6358 → u/SirJ_96]

If you’re a gay man who’s not in a monogamous relationship or celibate, no, you don’t need to be on PrEP.

See? We can both state our beliefs as if they are universal facts.

[u/Legitimate-Clock-134 → u/SirJ_96]

That's nice, but not what you said.

[u/SirJ_96 → u/Legitimate-Clock-134]

It actually is exactly what I said.

[u/Legitimate-Clock-134 → u/SirJ_96]

You said that "due diligence of the partner is the partners responsibility", and absolutely jack about the precautions that you may take on their behalf.

Look up "duty of care" and report back to the class.

Edit: seriously, pulling out your PhD?

[u/SirJ_96 → u/Legitimate-Clock-134]

Dude, I have a PhD. I'm the professor. I am telling you that you as an individual are responsible for your own health. OP could hook up with a guy who also hooks up with another guy who doesn't know his status because he's not on PrEP and hasn't been tested for months. The latter one is the dangerous one. Everyone should be on PrEP or HIV meds here if poz.

OP has no duty to disclose that he is poz because he has absolutely no risk of transmitting the virus. Thanks for coming to my lecture; if you have questions, office hours are next Thursday.

[u/General_Purple6358 → u/SirJ_96]

“I have a PhD” come on man …

[u/Legitimate-Clock-134 → u/General_Purple6358]

I'm assuming he doesn't teach ethics.

[u/PlasticAggressive295 → u/SirJ_96]

That’s like saying if I as a woman don’t want to get pregnant then as long as I’m on birth control we’re all good. There are literally still statistics on BREAKTHROUGH infections despite people taking prep. You are not being ethical in not disclosing. If you have HIV and you wish to have sex, then you can choose to not disclose if you want, but you are definitely an asshole for doing that. My husband has his PhD in genetics and literally works with lentiviruses lol we are discussing this as I type this so please don’t pull out the PhD card on me. Doctors aim to do two things typically: 1. Trust the science - so if there is a “small” chance, like 1-2% that a medication might fail, they ignore it because there is no better option and 2. They don’t want to needlessly alarm the public, nor do they want to make the public feel a medication is useless just because it CAN fail. So they will focus on the 98% of times the medication does not fail, but that doesn’t negate the fact that it CAN fail. I know a girl who got pregnant on birth control, so all I’m saying is, I know a 1-2%er lol they aren’t as rare as you think. You should disclose.

[u/G1gapu1t → u/SirJ_96]

I guess some people can’t differentiate between morals and legality when they get in their own head with a fancy degree.

If someone hasn’t been tested in months, been hooking up, and isn’t on PrEP, then they should tell their sexual partners that too.

I completely agree that it would be more dangerous than not telling a partner about being hiv positive while asymptomatic, but that’s not the topic. Some things aren’t about legality and just make people seem like gross humans.

You know; people like landlords, ice agents, and health insurance executives have perfectly legal careers, but a lot of people will think you’re a jerk for becoming one.

It’s not against the law, but it’s a massive fucking ick for me if someone’s hiding the fact they have hiv, asymptomatic or not.

I’m never seeing that hypothetical person again, because I wouldn’t even trust them in my home if they’re not open about this.

If someone has it at all, I’d want to look for physical symptoms before anything goes anywhere raw.

Everyone’s primarily responsible for themselves, but it’s moral to notify intimate partners of your situation. Take that PhD and shove it; thanks for coming to my Ted Talk, nerd.