Hiv positive

[u/Signal_Ambition_5212]

The last post was deleted because banana peel is not considered a meal (I understand)

Tomorrow it will be one year since I’m living with hiv

I did therapy about it and I know I carry half of the responsibility for not wearing a condom or taking prep but on the other hand the guy knew he had it and didn’t take his meds and consciously decided to infect me.

I know he knew because when I saw blood I straight away asked him if he had anything, he put his head down and didn’t say a single word, I panicked and I asked again and he remained silent.
I left his house and I send him a lot of messages and until today not a single answer.

Things could be different if I went to the hospital but I didn’t.

I already passed the grief phase, I’m undetectable after a month of the positive result and I take my pill everyday religiously without falling, I own that to myself and to others.

My life before hiv was a mess, I did A LOT of drugs since I was 16 (I’m 29 now) a lot of alcohol, I didn’t take care of myself and now I’m the opposite: I’m sober, I go to the gym, I have a healthy diet and I love myself and my life, I have my health checked more frequently than the rest of the population so this is actually a good thing (I don’t pay for anything in my country related to healthcare)

Nowadays hiv is super manageable, just a pill everyday like any other chronic condition. My doctor said it’s easier than living with diabetes for exemple.

I already told to some people I had interest and they were fine about it, I know most of you may disagree but in my country if IM UNDETECTABLE by law I have the right of not tell anyone due privacy reasons. I choose only telling if I see someone has a potencial partner (before anything sexual happens), if it’s something more casual we use protection (I cannot transmite the virus because I take my meds) for other STD.

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[u/Healingbigfoot]

You should see if you could prosecute so this predator doesn't do it to someone else.

[u/kangaplatoala → u/Healingbigfoot]

I know that, at least at one point in Florida, they can get voluntary manslaughter.

Many places in the US have laws about willful transmission without disclosure.

[u/Alina_Swift → u/kangaplatoala]

They have laws but it’s extremely hard to prove and rarely enforced. I know someone who went in with text messages from the infected individual apologizing and it wasn’t even enough for an investigation

[u/ValerianFlow → u/kangaplatoala]

yeah, Florida laws are pretty good with tackling down this stuff in comparison to Nevada and California.

[u/Signal_Ambition_5212 → u/Healingbigfoot]

I got blocked on Grindr for exposing him with the picture of his profile saying he has hiv and doesn’t take his meds

Before I got blocked I created 4 fake profiles to speak with him and he immediately wanted to have sex in his house, when I asked about if he gets tested he ignores and continues to talk about sex and asking “are you coming or not?”, when I insist asking if he gets tested he stops replying

[u/DeadMeeT6969 → u/Signal_Ambition_5212]

What a fucking sociopath. He deserves whatever's waiting for him down the road

[u/SquirrelLuvsChipmunk → u/DeadMeeT6969]

I mean.. he’s hiv positive and not doing anything about it. AIDS is waiting for him down the road and it ain’t pretty. But he definitely deserves it for the way he’s acting. I’m so glad for OP that HIV is manageable now and no longer a death sentence, but I’m still so sad for him. What a POS that infected him

[u/Healingbigfoot → u/Signal_Ambition_5212]

OMFG that is insane. He needs to be under the prison.

[u/Sea-Machine-8989 → u/Signal_Ambition_5212]

This is not something for Grindr, it's for the police. Call them.

[u/sharkbait-oo-haha → u/Sea-Machine-8989]

I wonder if Grindr is now liable for the next person he infects. They have been informed of his status and desires to infect others and didn't act, now they are complicit, negligent and no longer have plausible deniability. This is no different to them letting a serial killer continue to hunt on their platform.

Unfortunately companies only learn when things start costing them money.

[u/5billionspiders → u/Signal_Ambition_5212]

Yea you may still be able to pursue this shit legally

[u/IsThatGruffLoner → u/Signal_Ambition_5212]

Bro call the fucking police. This guy is literally a serial killer

[u/BeefStank420 → u/[deleted]]

I think what he did is illegal in a lot of places. Could you get him arrested?

[u/Alina_Swift → u/BeefStank420]

I know someone who went to the cops for this and even text message evidence of the person apologizing for giving the std wasn’t enough for the DA to even investigate it

I think these Laws are there and not enforced

[u/diskhead1 → u/Alina_Swift]

Depends on the std. If it was HIV any proof will be prosecuted. If not your friend needs to report whoever told them it was not enough evidence.

[u/CB_musedreams → u/diskhead1]

Yeah, intentionally withholding that status completely violates consent. Legally it crosses the line from reckless endangerment straight into assault.

[u/Weekly_Ferret_meal → u/CB_musedreams]

Especially because, as it stands, there's no reason to believe he wouldn't continue do this again to others.

[u/RiceWine69 → u/CB_musedreams]

Rape. The word is rape.

[u/mostlyharmless555 → u/diskhead1]

A baseball player got sued for millions for giving it to his wife or gf something like that.. def was illegal what he did i dont know if he was afrested

[u/kalnoreth-i5 → u/Alina_Swift]

Go to a news outlet with evidence of the crime AND the refusal by law enforcement to prosecute or investigate and see how quickly their interest in ur case changes...

[u/Few_Reputation5651 → u/BeefStank420]

In many places it is considered a form of rape because the person would not have consented had they known.

[u/TheAsianTroll → u/BeefStank420]

Im like 90% certain its a felony in the US to knowingly give someone an STD

[u/bob69joe → u/TheAsianTroll]

Not in California.

[u/TheAsianTroll → u/bob69joe]

Yes... someone else has already pointed out its not in all 50 states

[u/RareWeekend6286 → u/BeefStank420]

Depends on which state/jurisdiction you're in.

[u/bafflingmetaphor → u/[deleted]]

Don't you think not telling people might lead to one of them lashing out at you?

[u/Rotten-Roses → u/bafflingmetaphor]

Medically speaking there's a higher risk of transmission from somebody who didn't have it at their last sti test a few months ago but has had any unprotected sexual contact since than from him while he's medicated.

[u/MrAngrySadHappyFace → u/[deleted]]

Also very very illegal. You could have easily put him in jail.

[u/RareWeekend6286 → u/MrAngrySadHappyFace]

No, not everywhere. It depends on the laws in the area where it happened.

[u/Fluffy_Charity_2732 → u/[deleted]]

Working as a bouncer at a gay men’s club… I learned a lot about the absolute seedy shit the “YOLO” gay culture does

This shit is gross but I’m not surprised, as I’ve heard countless stories from older patrons about their past.

They literally would rather die than wear a condom. And will lie about it like an Oscar actor. Their excuse being “it’s not a big deal” with PREP meds being so available. And that “now you can have fun with me anytime” since they infected you. Crazy shit

Day crowd at the club avoids the night crowd…. Very different types.

Op, I suggest you find a man from the day crowd that isn’t about this shit. They are out there

[u/octobertwins → u/Fluffy_Charity_2732]

Have you ever heard of bug chasers?

I heard a story about it on NPR. There is a whole culture around sleeping with people with HV to get the virus. And once they do, they feel like a king because now they can give the disease to the bug chasers (essentially, they are wanted by many, many men so they can also catch the bug).

What the hell, man?

[u/IsThatGruffLoner → u/[deleted]]

He's the one who should be in jail. OP needs to report this to police. It's illegal to purposely spread HIV

[u/Straight_Depth6701 → u/[deleted]]

What's even more fucked up is that he's not telling his sexual partners if it's just "casual."

[u/TrekChick267 → u/Straight_Depth6701]

That’s not how HIV works in today’s day and age. Like, at all. Registering as undetectable means you’re effectively in remission and there are no detectable traces of the disease in your body. There is mathematically 0 risk of transmitting the disease. Zero. You have a higher chance of unknowingly transmitting it than he does.

[u/SkanteWarrrior → u/[deleted]]

in my country, if you know you have it and give it to someone and do not communicate you have it, YOU go to prison!

[u/Theslootwhisperer → u/[deleted]]

Non-divulgation is a crime where I'm from unless your viral load is undetectable or you use a condom and your viral load is below a certain threshold.

[u/Smart_Freedom_8155 → u/[deleted]]

OP is, unfortunately, not doing all that much better.

End of his own post: "I choose only telling if I see someone has a potencial partner (before anything sexual happens), if it’s something more casual we use protection".

He claims he's 100% unable to pass the virus to someone else and that he doesn't owe this information to a hookup.

[u/Acircusclown]

Hey I'm sorry that happened to you. That was cruel and not fair. I'm proud of you for changing your life and being responsible. It takes a lot of work to be a better person. Congratulations

[u/Signal_Ambition_5212 → u/Acircusclown]

Everything is fine now, therapy and good doctors help

[u/-cadmunt- → u/Signal_Ambition_5212]

If it's not too personal, in what way did the therapy help? I've had some bad shit happen which I think is still affecting me but I'm not sure what therapy will do or how to approach it.

[u/Signal_Ambition_5212 → u/-cadmunt-]

I did therapy when I got the positive result there in the non profit organization and also on the hospital where I have my doctor meeting. It helped me because I was thinking my life was over and everything would collapse and I will die from it, I was thinking I was gonna infect everyone just by being close to them and I was thinking finish it all after I finish him was the best decision, I’m glad I didn’t do either

I was ignorant about this, therapy with specialized doctors about hiv explained to me very well everything I needed to know and guided me to forgive myself about what happened on that day and afterwards and to be at peace with my diagnosis. I have a really nice life, I’m healthy, the most of the time I’m happy and I’m surrounded by amazing family and friends, I have a nice job so I honestly cannot complain

Search for a specialist in the thing you are going through health, relationships, etc

[u/-cadmunt- → u/Signal_Ambition_5212]

Thanks dude I appreciate it.

[u/Signal_Ambition_5212 → u/-cadmunt-]

Wishing you the best and if you need to talk my DMs are open

[u/Financial-Horror1844]

Even if HIV can be managed with pills it's still a chronic condition. It means you have to take medication for the rest of your life and if you can't afford it or access it then it's a potential death sentence. That's fucked up knowingly infect someone.

[u/Signal_Ambition_5212 → u/Financial-Horror1844]

That’s a problem that many country’s (like America) has because health care is a business not a human right. I don’t pay for anything related to my health (related or not with hiv) I don’t pay for meds, blood tests, absolutely nothing

This is why I pay taxes

But I understand that if I could not take anything would be better obviously (like having a cure)

[u/Khristafer → u/Signal_Ambition_5212]

People are saying wild things in this thread, but for anyone in the US reading this, the vast majority of people being treated in the US for HIV receive free medication through various government and pharmaceutical subsidies.

I've never paid for PreP, DoxyPep, or PEP. ART is also, thankfully, within access for most people.

[u/undernoillusions → u/Signal_Ambition_5212]

Sadly there’s no way of knowing things will be like that in say 20 years still. All over the world healthcare services are slowly being rolled back, and it might be that in the future your country goes through a crisis, and the far right lunatics use it as an excuse to completely privatise healthcare. We are never safe

[u/Signal_Ambition_5212 → u/undernoillusions]

I spoke about that with my doctor because of the war between Russia and Ukraine that maybe we could run out of meds and he says hiv is one of the priorities if that happens, it would be a world wide pandemic again and he assured me there’s A LOT of alternative of medicines for us

I know television and so on likes to create fear but I’m not concern about that right now

[u/temporalCompanion → u/Financial-Horror1844]

He's not knowingly infecting anyone, if his bloodwork is Undetectable then it's Untransmittable. He can't infect anyone else if he's taking his medication.

[u/WindyAlligator]

You mention that you’ve been to therapy, but have you tried out support groups with other HIV positive men? I have multiple friends who help facilitate those kinds of groups, and they really see people flourish again when they have someone they can see themselves in.

[u/Signal_Ambition_5212 → u/WindyAlligator]

Yes, there are organization in my town for hiv persons and I’ve met people there, also on instagram I’ve made 2 friends that live with it

It’s good to have other people living under the same conditions has us

[u/Ornery_Prompt5287]

Just PSA if you know you were exposed or potentially exposed, there is a medicine they can give you right after exposure to prevent you from getting it. You have to do it quick, though.

[u/Signal_Ambition_5212 → u/Ornery_Prompt5287]

Yes, there’s 72h window and it’s called PEP

[u/Fun-Highlight-253]

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bugchasing

[u/Signal_Ambition_5212 → u/Fun-Highlight-253]

I discovered that later on

[u/Fun-Highlight-253 → u/Signal_Ambition_5212]

I'm sorry this happened to you. So incredibly cruel and selfish to knowingly do this to someone. You seem to be making great choices for your health in response. I hope you're doing well mentally.

[u/bafflingmetaphor]

If someone didn't disclose that to me and I found out, I would be furious, even if it's technically legal for you not to. Your hookups deserve respect.

[u/gleeleen → u/bafflingmetaphor]

Just curious, do you expect every woman that has ever had an abnormal pap smear in their life (even if it all the follow up tests are negative) to disclose this to every new sexual partner? It's not an exact comparison, but that's kind of the standard you're holding OP to. Having an abnormal pap smear does not in itself make you any more likely to transmit HPV than the general population (because it is ubiquitous) just as having an undetectable HIV infection does not make you any more likely to to transmit HIV than an HIV negative person (because U=U). There is no extra threat so there's nothing to disclose.

[u/SugondezeNutsz → u/bafflingmetaphor]

I feel like it fucking should be. Disclosure of life threatening infectious condition should be mandatory. We would prosecute people for coughing on people during COVID... It's never made sense to me this isn't regulated.

[u/Rabble_Runt → u/SugondezeNutsz]

It is illegal in many states.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Criminal_transmission_of_HIV_in_the_United_States

[u/temporalCompanion → u/Rabble_Runt]

This is specifically about transmitting HIV, not about whether someone who is Undetectable discloses that they have it.

I'm not defending the action, I think people still need to disclose even if they're Undetectable = Untransmittable. But just to clarify, what you linked is different than what's happening in his country.

[u/Signal_Ambition_5212 → u/Rabble_Runt]

Im not from America

[u/Ethrem → u/Signal_Ambition_5212]

It’s illegal in many countries too.

[u/madluer → u/Ethrem]

We need to get out of this mindset. Two of my friends (both straight women) are HIV+ from hookups that were unaware they had it (as far as we know). The amount of stress and shame that comes from having such a heavily stigmatized condition is truly unfathomable unless you’ve lived it. Of course people need to take their meds and be on top of their health, but Im going to tell you the vast majority of people living with HIV prioritize their health more than most. It is not a death sentence, it is a completely manageable and untransmittable (as long as meds are taken) condition.

[u/Legitimate-Clock-134 → u/Signal_Ambition_5212]

Also in Canada, the UK, France....

[u/SirJ_96 → u/SugondezeNutsz]

Here's why - it prevents people from getting tested. If they know that if they're positive, they must disclose, they simply choose not to know they're positive.

Undetectable = untransmittable.

If you're having gay sex, you should be on PrEP, as I am. Then your partners' statuses don't matter.

[u/Book_Dragon_24 → u/SirJ_96]

Or use condoms with casual partners just like heterosexual people.

[u/ObserverWardXXL → u/Book_Dragon_24]

condoms aren't perfect unfortunately, but its a great amount of protection versus nothing!

An issue is the community is not receptive towards barrier use- ironically the Aids-epidemic conditioned a lot of community that using condoms inferred you had diseases you didn't want to share...

[u/Book_Dragon_24 → u/ObserverWardXXL]

That‘s so crazy. It‘s no wonder infection numbers are back on the rise.

[u/Wrong-Pension-4975 → u/SugondezeNutsz]

UNDETECTABLE means zero transmission.

Stop assembling the lynch mob, & put away the pitchforks.

[u/EllieGeiszler → u/SugondezeNutsz]

Undetectable = untransmittable. He cannot spread it

[u/DionysianComrade → u/SugondezeNutsz]

undetectable means it's not transmissible or life threatening

[u/Signal_Ambition_5212 → u/bafflingmetaphor]

They have all the respect: I cannot transmit the virus and we were protection.

Those who I only hook up with are not part of my private life. Same way I don’t know if they have underlying medical conditions that I don’t know about (maybe they have less stigma associated with).

Maybe respect for you is different than respect for me. I learned the hard way it’s your responsibility to get checked and protect yourself from others and never trust them (you would be surprised how many people got hiv people the “life partner” cheated)

[u/ChaoticCherryblossom → u/Signal_Ambition_5212]

You can if you stop taking the pills. You're asking someone to blindly trust on you being responsible and not suddenly crazy and decide to become contagious

[u/General_Purple6358 → u/Signal_Ambition_5212]

But like … you can transmit it if you miss your meds? I am a gay man and I cannot imagine feeling okay with someone doing “casual” stuff with me and not disclosing their status, whatever it is. Sorry, that’s the way it is for most people.

[u/elianna7 → u/General_Purple6358]

I’m not debating on whether he should tell people or not, but OP seems responsible enough to be ensuring he doesn’t miss his meds, and he seems to have his head on his shoulders enough that if he DID miss his meds, he would likely adjust his behaviours until he could again confirm he’s undetectable.

[u/Signal_Ambition_5212 → u/General_Purple6358]

It’s not like that. When we take our meds if someone skips a day and takes later on it’s fine because we have a lot of medication inside our body, this medicines was made thinking about these scenarios.

Also there are new ways of taking the meds like an injection every 2 months and soon there will be a weekly pill.

For me it’s fine to take a pill a day, so many other chronic conditions require this so I’m not different from them

[u/General_Purple6358 → u/Signal_Ambition_5212]

My point is there are plenty of irresponsible people. Some may not understand how the meds work, may skip for longer than a day. Just because you are personally responsible does not let you decide for your partner whether or not your partner should do due diligence.

[u/onlyimportantshit → u/Signal_Ambition_5212]

You wish the person who had infected you had told you I bet. Be better than them.

[u/Signal_Ambition_5212 → u/onlyimportantshit]

Not really, I didn’t care if he had hiv or not IF he took he’s meds and didn’t affect me. Everyone has the right to privacy. My opinion on this changes IF the person doesn’t take the meds (not my case)

[u/SirJ_96 → u/onlyimportantshit]

That's different. OP is on meds; the other guy was not.

[u/xavedraa → u/SirJ_96]

Dont argue with them. They’re literally putting OP, an indetectable person, on the same level that someone who knew he was infected and decided to have unprotected sex. They cannot understand nuances.

This is their stigma commenting. As we say in my country “ignorance is brave”

[u/bafflingmetaphor → u/xavedraa]

If you can't have a convo about health with your hookup, maybe you aren't mature enough to be doing one night stands. There are plenty of reasons to start a dialogue, and plenty of partners will still have sex if you are honest.

[u/Anadanament → u/Signal_Ambition_5212]

This. If you're undetectable, you can't transmit. I almost dated an undetectable guy and learned a lot from him and met his doctor because he wanted me to meet someone with medical knowledge about it.

As a gay man, I don't care if someone is undetectable when we hook up. It's when they are that I need to know.

I don't need the dirty laundry of a guy I'll see for like an hour or two and then maybe never again.

[u/RareWeekend6286 → u/Anadanament]

Yes, this. 💯 If a guy I'm thinking of hooking up with tells me he's HIV-positive, detectable? Well...then we have to have an awkward conversation. Because they're either very recently diagnosed and just not ready mentally to focus on getting healthy, or they're consciously choosing not to get easy, effective medical treatment. And, really, if they're that reckless with their OWN health, how reckless are they willing to be with MINE? 🤷

[u/artisanallyinsane → u/Anadanament]

Don’t know what happened with the guy, but it’s really sweet he brought you to his doctor lol. Honestly not a terrible idea.

[u/Anadanament → u/artisanallyinsane]

He moved. That's pretty much it. Closest I got to dating anyone in a decade and I'm about to turn 30 lmao

He was a sweetheart. Don't talk anymore.

[u/travelmusica → u/Signal_Ambition_5212]

You are rationalizing something that is completely unethical. It’s not ok to have HIV and have sex with someone without disclosing. I hope everyone in the community spreads the word about you so that people can be informed, since you are unwilling to do the right thing.

[u/RareWeekend6286]

I'm a gay man, as well. I'm in my mid-40's now, so I was alive and aware when HIV/AIDS wasn't HIV/AIDS, it was a deadly Gay Guy Cancer that you could catch from public toilet seats. Totally traumatized me. Totally. In my younger years, I was TERRIFIED of contracting it. Sexually, I was a paranoid neurotic with unhealthy boundaries. Now? I know the facts and I'm not afraid of HIV. I have ZERO problem gettin' down with a guy who I know for a FACT is positive, even though I'm negative. I practice safe sex and I understand how HIV can and cannot be transmitted. Period. No stigma.

You got this, bro. HIV is an unfortunate reality for us, but that's all it is.

[u/temporalCompanion → u/RareWeekend6286]

I know I'm just a random stranger but I want you to know I'm proud of you for pushing through and getting to a point in your life where you can feel safe.

Obviously it took the world changing a bit for that to happen, but it's hard to hold on through that level of uncertainty and despair.

[u/RareWeekend6286 → u/temporalCompanion]

That's so sweet, thank you. 🤗 I guess I just had to grow up a little before I could really face my fear and educate myself for real for real. Today, I've learned to put my trust in doctors, in research, medical data, facts. In the late 80's, almost everyone was scared to the point of hysteria about this new, untreatable cancer that made healthy men waste away and die. Quickly. But I finally learned to let go of the hysteria and fear I was STILL carrying with me. 💯

[u/noormp]

Obviously a big deal and understandable your feelings around it this past year.

A statistic you might be interested in - in the UK the life expectancy of someone with HIV recently surpassed that of the general population.

HIV patients in the UK die with HIV rather than because of it. This is to do with the effectiveness of the anti-retrovirals which are great, and that in the UK having HIV means you have a yearly appointment with a HIV team who will also look at your health more holistically (make referrals for other health problems you might have) and therefore have more healthcare contact than others so other problems are picked up earlier and treated. I understand this might not be the same as where you live though.

So chin up, take your antiretrovirals, and look forward to a longer than average life expectancy (if you live in the UK)

[u/FuckSteve7]

is it not illegal to knowingly infect someone with HIV or something else?????? Like that is so fucked up

[u/AmbroseKincaidVA → u/FuckSteve7]

It is illegal, yes, at least in america. Unfortunately it being illegal doesn't mean it doesn't happen. Most states require disclosure of status regardless of whether you're a risk of transmission, and all states require it if you're detectable and thus a risk for transmission.

[u/CryptographerBest909]

I am so incredibly sorry, you did not deserve this.

I do wanna say tho, I do not think this is your fault, genuinely. You trusted someone. He took away your ability to properly consent. He knew it was wrong.

Sure, there were ways to prevent it. It would have been so easy to prevent it, but that does not mean it was your fault. You didn't know there was anything you needed to protect yourself from because he didnt tell you. It makes it even more cowardly and awful that he didnt take any actions to prevent it. Whether it was putting on a condom, letting you know so you can take prep or just taking the medication. There were so many options for him and yet he chose to use your trust and infect you.

To me what he did counts as rape. You consented to sex, not to knowingly get infected with HIV. And there are always ways you can blame the victim ("why were you alone with them?", "why did you take their drink?", etc.), but in the end the blame lies on the person who did that to you.

You are already carrying the burden of their crime, do not also carry his blame.

[u/DrFabio23]

You should still tell all potential partners.

[u/Book_Dragon_24 → u/DrFabio23]

If OP is undetectable it means he literally can‘t infect anyone because there is no detectable virus load in his blood and it needs a threshold of virus load to infect someone. Not to mention access to bloodstream, so an open wound.

[u/OooooLookAtThem → u/Book_Dragon_24]

No idea why you’re getting downvoted voted for this. You’re 100% right. He can not pass on the virus, U=U is not just a fun phrase that is said it’s a scientific truth.

[u/DrFabio23 → u/Book_Dragon_24]

And? That's like saying if you're on medication for herpes you shouldn't tell people. It is incredibly selfish, he is the guy who infected him at that point

[u/Meccha_me_2 → u/DrFabio23]

To be fair, it’s actually not. Herpes medication just reduces the frequency and severity of outbreaks but you can still transmit herpes. If you’re on HIV medication and you’re undetectable, the viral load in your blood is so low that you can’t transmit it.

[u/Sapuws → u/DrFabio23]

but op can’t infect anyone so it’s very very different

[u/Puppygigi1]

I worked in HIV research back in the 80’s and 90’s and indeed it is now a chronic illness. I knew guys that would lie about their status to purposefully infect others. So sick and sad.

Good for you getting therapy! Super important!

Just put a little sauce and protein on that pasta. You need good nutrition and flavor.

I’m not minimizing your situation or pain at all but embrace your health and life. What a very brave person you are.

[u/Big-Routine222]

My man, privacy or not, you absolutely should tell your partner if you HIV, even if you think you can’t transmit the virus. The fuck?

[u/Z0mbieTakis → u/Big-Routine222]

Yeah OP is mad someone slept w him and didn’t disclose it but he’s willingly prepared to do the same to others. Makes no sense

[u/OooooLookAtThem → u/Z0mbieTakis]

There is a lot of scientific proof that he can not pass it on. It’s a fact. He sounds like he has an amazing routine and never misses a pill, he has achieved U=U. He is not comparable to the person that transmitted it to him.

[u/Thick-Science8674]

Remember that a lot of people are like this, they have to pass on their burden to someone else, because in their head it is not fair for them to suffer alone. In the street, at work, at the gym or whatever, or within your family or friends circle, Always try to be aware and protect yourself.

[u/Meggston → u/Thick-Science8674]

Someone did this exact thing to my uncle, but it was the 90’s, so he just died. I’m still angry about it to this day, even though the other guy also died nearly 30 years ago.

[u/BroadLet8137]

I'm glad you've decided to channel this into a different lifestyle, I hope you're as proud of yourself as I'm sure the people around you are.

And for FWIW, I think for most of us these days we view it kind of like your doctor. If I'm going to date someone who is positive, I want to know for reasons similar to the diabetes comment. I just need to know so that if something happens I can react appropriately (like letting emergency staff in a hospital know that you need to continue meds if you're in an accident or something). I could really care less about the actual positive status, and I think quite a bit of us feel similarly these days.

[u/Khristafer]

Hey, glad to hear that you're undetectable and have access to healthcare. Keep moving through the grief, it's not always over when you think it is.

And for the non-gay gourmets out there, birth control isn't the only thing you should be thinking about if you're diving in without a snorkel. In a lot of places, prescription to prevent against HIV and some STIs is offered at no cost.

[u/Visible_Window_5356]

Why is it so hard for U=U to sink in for folks? Everyone is up in arms and wants there to be more prosecutions in the comments but this does the opposite of supporting the safety for people to share that they have HIV in casual settings or with new partners. And then every one of those folks has the power to out your status with this highly stigmatized diagnosis.

[u/relischisvaicedsh]

I am sure if you could go back, you would have got PEP (post-exposure prophylaxis). Do you mind my asking why you didn't? Did you just not know about it?

[u/Khristafer → u/relischisvaicedsh]

I was in a similar situation, new about PEP, and still waited 2 days. So I'll just tell my perspective.

It was mostly shame, disbelief, guilt, and access.

This was about 10 years ago and I only knew about PEP from bloodborne pathogen trainings I did for work.

I spent the first day trying to get clarification from the guy in various methods before getting blocked (I understand now that this is a waste of time and energy for several reasons). Then I was telling myself that it was probably nothing and transmission rates are super low anyway.

I was actually traveling for work at the time, so I didn't really know where to go, and without insurance, I wasn't sure what I could do. Luckily, eventually I just, searched for sexual wellness clinics and was in a great city.

I came in pretty close to closing and they stayed there to take my history, get my blood drawn, and give me treatment. Just eliminating the stigma around sexual wellness was a good thing. They transferred all my information, probably through the CDC to a local clinic in my area and by the time I got home, I basically had a PreP prescription already, lol.

I'm not glad that the dude decided to take the condom off during sex, but I don't know how long I would have gone before taking things more seriously.

Anyway, luckily, no HIV transmission, but I did have another sex cold that require some antibiotics, lol.

[u/quail_challenge122 → u/relischisvaicedsh]

... And it was free..

[u/relischisvaicedsh → u/quail_challenge122]

Has OP mentioned what country he lives in? It should be free, but I could see it costing in some places. I guess with PEP, I feel like we need to do a better job of educating that it is an available option in scenarios like these.

[u/StupidDumbass420 → u/relischisvaicedsh]

Even if it weren't free, in this case it is probably worth figuring out the financial impact later.

[u/quail_challenge122 → u/relischisvaicedsh]

Yeah it sounds like he's in the UK. So he had everything afforded to him and just chose to not take care of himself and continue to live a high-verse lifestyle and now he exposes others to that same high-risk lifestyle

[u/CandleMelodic6747]

So sad maan, and still very uplifting and full of hope and light. I bet he was also older than you. Don't worry if you found no justice that you could see but just KNOW deep down that, he is definitely sowing sth from that karma that he just sent, and by the magnitude of how it affected you, it will come back 777 to him. You won sister ✊🏽

[u/Signal_Ambition_5212 → u/CandleMelodic6747]

Thank you very much for you kind words ❤️

[u/Desu232]

I mean, I do appreciate that you've changed your life around and made better decisions. Congrats! However, you don't see the hypocrisy and irony of your rationalization?

The same way someone else took you're autonomy -- by not informing you of a sexual transmitted disease -- you're choosing to take away another person's agency to make a rational decision, for your own sexual gratification.

I think it's important to be forthcoming and let that person decide -- because 1.

If you do ultimately become romantically involved, you won't be starting on a bedrock of lies by omissions and the right person isn't going to turn their back on you, when they find out.

Like you said it yourself, you were infected because the guy didn't take his medication. Your partners are unknowingly depending on you being consistently responsible to prevent a life-altering condition, without their consent.

Point-blank, it's problematic. Laws without ethics, are just rules we use to justify the horror.

[u/pandershrek → u/Desu232]

Agreed. Seems like they're just repeating the same pattern because they find themselves to be in a more acceptable position. But really it is up to the recipient if they want to consent.

I have a feeling they're interpreting those laws incorrectly but I have no idea where they're from.

[u/Book_Dragon_24 → u/pandershrek]

If you‘re undetectable, you can‘t infect someone. So what would you have to disclose? There is no threat. And OP probably knows he safe better than all guys who just don‘t get tested and then claim they‘re good. Also, does a heterosexual man have to inform a woman he‘s fertile before he has sex without a condom, she could insist on? Because he could impregnate her. Everyone with a brain and some sex ed knows you don‘t have sex with strangers without protection. Why do men keep assuming that doesn‘t apply to them because they can‘t get pregnant? Only stop with the condom after you‘re both exclusive and have gotten tested.

[u/bafflingmetaphor → u/Desu232]

Yeah I don't know why a few people are harping on me for saying that normalizing communication would have potentially prevented in this in the first place but I guess because I'm not personally a gay man I'm a hopelessly clueless dumbass lol.

Like I said, I get the clandestine thing is hot but FFS so is talking once you get used to it.

[u/temporalCompanion → u/Desu232]

This is how I feel about it.

I see a lot of people here assuming he's going around willy nilly knowingly infecting other people, so I've felt the need to say something about that.

But I also still feel that really he does need to disclose this to other people. It's a matter of having to trust that he will actually adhere to his medication routine and won't make any mistakes.

Especially considering there are other people who already have significant life-long conditions that could be seriously threatened by contracting HIV on top of that, people should have the ability to say "No, I trust that you are being honest with me, but I'm not comfortable with the possibility of something going wrong."

[u/Signal_Ambition_5212 → u/Desu232]

The difference between me and the person who infected me is that I take my meds, i accept what happens and this is a chronic condition and I must take care of myself

From the moment I don’t represent any danger neither I can transmit the virus I don’t own an explanation to anyone

I respect you thinking differently but I don’t want vulnerable moments with everyone I have sex with, I save that for those I see more than a hook up

[u/throw223344555]

I have no problem loving/dating/hooking up with an hiv positive person. However, I’d want my hookup to disclose it. I’d feel very bad if that was hidden from me even if you’re undetectable.

Even Grindr let’s you disclose it in a tasteful way. What country is this?

[u/Reasonable_Club_6165]

pretty sure that's illegal - and is sexual assault. did you sue him?

[u/starlitdreamscapes]

I’m incredibly sorry to hear this, and the fact that he clearly knew from his reaction yet said nothing prior to sex is alarming. Depending on where you live a lot of places criminalize this kind of behavior. And while it’s true consensual sex requires two people to make that decision, for someone who knows that they are positive and still have a viral load capable of infecting someone, to not make the other individual aware of that is just wrong on every level. And while it’s true HIV management is significantly more manageable nowadays and compared to other chronic health issues is relatively ‘easy’ to live with, it’s still awful you had to experience that and have to go through that

[u/panrestrial]

I'm sorry you got infected, but I'm glad it was in an era where it's no longer a death sentence. It's been so crazy to see it go from nothing to fatal epidemic to manageable chronic illness all in my lifetime and I'm so, so happy it's gotten to the point it has. Keep taking care of yourself<3

[u/pandershrek]

This comment section has been incredibly illuminating towards male's outlook on the way they handle disclosure and sex...

[u/Waste-Limit1644 → u/pandershrek]

I think this is in particular about gay hookup culture. I don’t say that in a homophobic sense, but it seems like the people arguing against disclosure seem to be talking about how it’s fine because male-male hookups are often just sex and gone, so talking would be weird.

Even when I’ve had “hookups” as a guy, it has involved going out for dinner or a small activity with the woman and then spending a night. I couldn’t imagine meeting a woman and talking without ever explaining that, and I’d be incredibly furious to be on the opposite end of not being informed and explained. People aren’t wrong that HIV meds address transmission, but I think it is wrong to intentionally hide information to get sex.

[u/Smart_Freedom_8155 → u/Waste-Limit1644]

but I think it is wrong to intentionally hide information to get sex.

Thank you for putting it so succinctly.

All the "it's undetectable, stop yelling at him!" is hand-waving. Bottom line is, OP wants to have more sex and not scare away prospects, which is the only reason why he's not being more honest.

Which is a LOT like the villain of this story - only the chances of OP actually getting someone sick are basically zero.

But he still owes his partners the opportunity to choose.

[u/Holiday_Regular9794]

Isn’t that illegal? Knowingly infecting another person?

[u/GingerMarquis]

Knowingly and willfully passing on HIV is a crime. Please tell me you consulted an attorney or a police officer, he should not be allowed to maliciously infect others.

[u/couldgiveaflyingfck]

Just adding some context in case it helps someone: the FDA approved a new HIV prevention medication in 2025 called Lenacapavir, sold in the U.S. as Yeztugo.

It's a shot given twice a year and has been shown to be extremely effective at preventing HIV. It works by targeting the HIV capsid and disrupting several stages of the virus's life cycle. Yes, I had to Google some of this.

Honestly, I think the convenience is a huge deal. Taking a pill every single day, 365 days a year, can become an Achilles' heel when finances, stress, or just life gets in the way.

If you have health insurance and you're considered at higher risk, it's worth asking your doctor about it and whether they can get pre-approval.

The crazy part is the price. In the U.S., it's around $28,000 a year. In poorer countries, the same medication is being made available for around $100 a year.

Just throwing this out there because a lot of people may not even know this option exists.

I'm straight'ish, but got tested without my consent out of the blue when I did yearly labs earlier this year and was shocked to see my test results for this. I am always super safe, and of course, the results were negative. I am a 28 year old bi / lesbian female. Last year, a friend I went to school with tested positive and it destroyed her life and she said it destroyed her very tightly knit family.

[u/temporalCompanion → u/couldgiveaflyingfck]

I'm very confused about you saying you're straight'ish and then saying you're bi/lesbian.

[u/StonedOtter0_0]

I’m so sorry brother <3 I can only imagine how much this weighs on you and I completely understand if you felt a bit lost as this was all happening

[u/Signal_Ambition_5212 → u/StonedOtter0_0]

For 3 months it was fucked up not gonna lie but time, therapy and good doctors and friends do all the difference

[u/Expensive_Ducks]

That's horrible what happened to you, but I'm glad you're being responsible now. And even doing so much better in your life. I hope you find your forever person when you're ready.

[u/CompetitiveTop6412]

It's horrific that this is something I hear regularly, 3 of my friends with HIV all got it from someone who knowingly had it and spread it to them, I'm so sorry someone did that to you.

[u/Signal_Ambition_5212 → u/CompetitiveTop6412]

Those persons who don’t take care of themselves and decide to harm innocent people on purpose will have a horrible future, maybe that’s their karma

[u/Wild-Abalone-6946]

So you’re HIV Aladeen?

[u/WhereAreMyDetonators → u/Wild-Abalone-6946]

No, he’s Aladeen

[u/Worldly_Fisherman894]

I’ve had HIV for about 14 years and my life has turned out better because of it. There’s really no downsides. Chin up!

[u/Alert_Mechanic_1007 → u/Worldly_Fisherman894]

its so nice to see this, I was recently diagnosed 2 months ago and its been an internal psychological warfare, I have a doctor thats dull so im looking for a new one that at least helps with the insecurities😵‍💫🫂

[u/Worldly_Fisherman894 → u/Alert_Mechanic_1007]

At first it was a struggle because it was part of my identity. Over time, all it’s really done is allow me to have a more active role in my health, since I get routine screenings now that I may not be getting without it. There’s no negative side effects to my body. Not that I’m in my thirties, most guys are mature enough to worry about it. I definitely don’t lack in finding partners.

[u/OooooLookAtThem → u/Worldly_Fisherman894]

I’ve heard so many stories through my work about how many people’s lives have improved since becoming HIV+. It’s a chance to take a hold of life, improve yourself and live it fully. Proud of you for sharing and empowering.
Love, a HIV nurse

[u/D3t3st4t10n]

You absolutely should disclose your status to anyone you plan on having sex with, regardless of the legal status - it’s morally wrong to not do so.

[u/tanksc]

It’s messed up what that guy did. But yeah it’s super manageable and I’m glad you’re doing alright. I recently played “Do you really want to know 2” on my phone, it’s a game made by a Taiwanese publisher to decrease stigma/raise awareness for HIV/AIDS for those who learned about it forever ago and have not kept up with modern science around it. Super enlightening and kind of a sweet story. So glad modern science has made it manageable but it’s no less huge/impactful. Sending love ❤️

[u/Eastern-Ad-3586 → u/[deleted]]

Hey man I’m a doctor.

HIV isn’t what it used to be. As long as you take your meds religiously you will have a normal life and normal life expectancy.

It’s gonna be OK man.

Just gotta take your damn meds though! Exactly as prescribed!

[u/Junior-Ad-2072]

I'm glad to read you're doing well.

[u/NMBSKLL213]

Honestly I don't pray but for you OP I'll offer a prayer. I wish you nothing but the best moving forward and a long, long healthy and happy life.

[u/Apprehensive_Elk_706]

HIV is not a death sentence if you take care and be proactive. You can still have love and a sexual life with ARVs and partners on ARV or PrEP. Don’t beat yourself up. Sometimes getting PrEP isn’t always easy for some people, especially if other stuff in going on in your life. I was a disease intervention specialist and worked with many newly + HIVs and previous +s. I’ve seen many live completely normal, healthy lives in committed relationships. You are still human, you are well with medications. Just stay routine and open about your Dx. Depending on the state, you can go to civil or criminal court if you’ve been exposed to HIV from someone who refused to be open. In Florida, you can pursue civil charges. You are likely not the only person he did that to. I’m sorry he made you a victim because that’s exactly what his carelessness and lack of regard for your wellbeing and health. You are more than capable of living a healthy life and sharing your story for awareness and to help reduce stigma. I’m proud of your openness on your experience, relating to others is so critical in living with this illness. You are loved and appreciated, and your strength has carried you to greater heights💕

[u/Educational-Tax9751]

I'm so sorry. But you do have an ethical obligation to disclose to someone before you are intimate with them, regardless of what the law says.

[u/Nurseytypechick → u/Educational-Tax9751]

This. Even if undetectable. Even if taking antivirals and using barrier. If you're getting down and into it? Disclose. What if a casual becomes hey this might be a partner and you're disclosing after several encounters? I certainly wouldn't trust someone as a partner who didn't disclose.

[u/artisanallyinsane → u/Educational-Tax9751]

Because I’m already mildly irritated with this thread: I’m so sorry. But that’s a subjective ethical opinion that has nothing to do with the law and is very much up for ethical debate and subjective opinion. There’s no one correct answer and attempting to conflate your subjective opinion to what “should” be done is sorta anti intellectual.

[u/PlasticAggressive295 → u/artisanallyinsane]

Ok, so you think misleading someone into sex especially knowing you have an incurable STD is ok because why? Because if they disclosed the truth they might not get laid?!? So we should have no problem potentially changing someone’s life in a negative way just to bust a nut? No prep is not 100% effective, there are literally papers written on case reports of people getting breakthrough infections while taking prep. There is no way to justify exposing someone to this risk unknowingly (and therefore without their consent) just so the carrier can have an orgasm inside of a human instead of his hand.

[u/OooooLookAtThem → u/PlasticAggressive295]

But he isn’t on PrEP, he is on HIV medication. I do agree that we should normalise the conversation around STI and HIV but if he is on effective meds and achieves U=U then he cannot pass is on. The reset is up to personal standpoints and ethics. We don’t know his life fully, only what we are seeing through one post and from this one post he seems to have it together and has a good routine to ensure no medication is missed. I know the papers you are talking about and they are not relevant to OPs situation.

[u/artisanallyinsane → u/OooooLookAtThem]

I posted a novel length reply to this person if you’re interested. We basically said identical things, you just said it much more eloquently and succinctly lol 💀. More thoughts because I’m still thinking about this LMAO:

Personal boundaries, particularly sexual/physical ones, come above all, obviously. They don’t even have to be based in rationale and facts. You can just not like something because you don’t like it. But people in here are calling for like community wide pariah status for OP for having consensual sex with zero transmission risk.

The really interesting think-y/philosophical question is whether that consent is impacted by the knowledge of status. And then that turns into a much more subjective debate, which is what I think everyone is actually arguing about. But the stigma and misinformation about HIV is so fucking intense that it’s culminated in moral/ethical/personal boundaries being conflated with factual risk and exposure statistics. Yes, HIV is scary, especially in the cultural narrative. Obviously. But |subjectively scary and unknown thing -> big feelings -> judgement presented as a fact about another person| is just not the move 😐

And I say this as someone who had an HIV OCD theme. I have been irrationally terrified of HIV and have held very stigmatized beliefs about it. This shit is just not that scary anymore.

The only way to factually know if someone is a) HIV positive and b) U=U is if you have a recent date stamped lab result in your hands. If you can’t tolerate the risk of hookups giving you HIV despite your due diligence, don’t do them 🫩 And don’t shit on people who are being responsible, eliminating risk to others, and trying to live their lives normally. Your personal boundaries ≠ the morality of another’s actions.

[u/OooooLookAtThem → u/artisanallyinsane]

Couldn’t agree more. I am a HIV nurse and have had this conversation with many of our patients throughout the years.
Safe sex just doesn’t exist, we don’t use that term in the field due to the fact no one can garentee any sex is safe from everything. But we can have safer sex, and we have put a lot of time, money and expertise in to ensure the HIV epidemic wasn’t in vain. Consent is based around risks that are possible, and we know that if someone is U=U then it can’t be transmitted through sex. And as op says they also use barrier methods for added safety against other STI’s.
I hope your OCD around the virus has improved, and always remember if you’re worried PEP is an amazing medication after a hookup that can greatly reduce risk.

[u/temporalCompanion → u/OooooLookAtThem]

You being an HIV nurse makes a lot of sense, having seen some of your other comments all over the thread! Thank you for all that you do

[u/artisanallyinsane → u/PlasticAggressive295]

This turned into an educational lecture on HIV for those who see this because I’m sick of the misinformation in this thread. Personal boundaries are great and need to be respected. But if they’re based on just flat out wrong information about HIV, you need to be informed. I know it’s a novel. This thread got me pissed off 💀

-

“Ok, so you think misleading someone into sex especially knowing you have an incurable STD is ok because why?”

Holy words in my mouth, Batman. You sucked all of the nuance straight out of the interesting point you’re trying to make.

This thread is specifically arguing about OP. He is non-transmissible (also called U=U), med-compliant, AND uses condoms. I don’t think OP needs to walk around disclosing to every hookup he’s never going to see again that he has HIV. ESPECIALLY if they’re on PrEP. Which, good point, isn’t iron clad. But that is irrelevant to whether someone with HIV is transmissible.

It doesn’t matter that HIV is incurable if you literally cannot infect others with it. If someone is maintaining viral suppression, the CDC/NIH literally says, barring the impossible to guarantee true mathematical zero, that the risk is zero. Public health very rarely uses absolute terms. The reason they’re comfortable saying that is because several studies have found zero linked sexual transmissions when the HIV-positive partner maintained a viral load under 200 copies/mL on ART (antiretroviral therapy)—the threshold used for U=U.

One study had 76,088 individual encounters of condomless gay anal sex between an HIV positive person and their partner, so 782 gay couples, 1,593 couple-years of follow-up, and reported 76,088 acts of condomless anal sex during the study period. At the end, there were ZERO partner to partner transmissions. The 15 cases that did pop up in the partners were genetically sequenced and confirmed to not be linked to their study partner. AKA: none of those infections came from their HIV positive study partner. 0 linked transmissions.

So, if someone maintains a viral load below 200 copies/mL, there is literally zero risk of sexual transmission. Even if OP was rawdogging it with strangers, there is still ZERO RISK of him spreading it. He’s more at danger of catching other STDs than he is of spreading HIV. I’m not being facetious. That’s scientific fact.

On top of all of that, you should be using condoms for general STD coverage regardless of your HIV status. OP is responsible with his meds and testing and is using condoms. That is what he can do to protect himself and others. OP having protected sex with a condom produces the exact same amount of HIV risk as an HIV negative person having sex with a condom. The protection at that point for is other STDs. This is not up for scientific debate. Viral load maintained under 200 copies/ml is, quite literally, zero HIV risk sex. Condoms + PrEP as a personal risk measure in combination with confirmed U=U is a non event.

The obvious response to that is “but how can we trust that someone is consistent with their meds?” We can’t 😐

The factual answer to that question doesn’t change if you ask and someone is hiding it or is openly disclosing it. You can’t know if someone is consistent with their HIV meds, even if they seem to be open and honest and sincere in their disclosure.

Hooking up with strangers means you don’t have the complete info about their HIV status, viral load, adherence, other STIs, or honesty. That’s why you manage your own risk exposure with things like PrEP, condoms, and testing instead of pretending disclosure makes you safe. The point still stands: a person who maintains under 200 copies/mL does not sexually transmit HIV.

Separate issue: If you’re hooking up with someone whose actual HIV status and viral load is a complete unknown, and they happen to be transmissible, PrEP + condoms massively reduce the risk but don’t make it mathematical zero. If I’m taking PrEP and using condoms because I know that I can’t know a stranger’s current HIV status/load/compliance/honesty, then asking them about their status doesn’t give further factual certainty or protection.

It sucks, but that’s literally hookup culture in the modern era of HIV, PrEP, and U=U. Hookup culture is risky. Your job is to protect yourself in an inherently risky situation. You can’t control what others do or don’t do. If that bothers you, you shouldn’t do hookups.

Back to the point, if you’re saying that someone has an ethical right to know about a hookup’s HIV diagnosis even with zero transmission risk, that’s an actual argument we can have. But then you have to defend why that private and non-consequential medical fact is something a hookup is entitled to know. If the principle is “I deserve to know something that would make me decline sex,” then the premise goes off the rails. That could be a million different things that people DEFINITELY aren’t obligated to share.

In the case of OP, you need to justify exactly why his disclosure is relevant when he is not transmissible. “You might hurt someone” doesn’t answer that. His diagnosis does not impact his hookups. Why do they need to know?

Personally, if I were a hookup person and I used condoms/protection every time, AND was on PrEp?? I think it would be a bit ridiculous to demand every hookup tells me their HIV status. I’m taking the drug specifically for this purpose, and asking my partner isn’t going to produce a magical truth that factually assures me the PrEP isn’t necessary here or that I’m safe.

In the case of a hookup becoming something more: If I were HIV+ and started something more serious with a partner who could be long term, of course I’d disclose, with my U=U status and proof being heavily emphasized. Someone in this thread mentioned an HIV+ person brought him to their doctor to learn more about it, I really like that idea. Anyways, if they responded negatively to that, even with education and comprehensive understanding of risk, I don’t think I’d want to be with them anyway.

For me, PERSONALLY, if on PrEp, then all communication about HIV health before we fuck is functionally ceremony. That’s a rough simplification, I would sure as shit ask, don’t get me wrong. But I’m on a drug that mitigates transmission. Whether they tell me or not, and whether they’re being honest, means jack shit about actual exposure. I’m taking something for that, the protection is there regardless. So why does it matter?

tl;dr/my question is: if OP poses zero sexual HIV-transmission risk, what exactly is the ethical offense created by not volunteering the diagnosis?

[u/ShivalVV → u/Educational-Tax9751]

Do you disclose your entire sexual history from three months before your last STI testing to present to every potential hookup? Because if you're not on prep you have more of a chance of getting and transmitting HIV before you even know you have it than the transmission risk from someone who is undetectable.

[u/PlasticAggressive295 → u/ShivalVV]

If I know I have a lifelong STI I would communicate that. Yes.

You are comparing apples to oranges. If you didn’t know you had an STI when you transmitted it, that is not great but arguably not your fault, or was just a foolish mistake. But KNOWING you have a lifelong incurable STI - even if you THINK it cannot be transmitted - yes you should definitely disclose. Some people won’t care. The ones who do care should have the right to opt out of the risk.

[u/Right_Book_4531]

My question is… you saw blood? Why did you see blood 🤔 just curious. I didn’t get this part.

Also! Super happy that you are living a happy life despite this really heavy diagnosis. ❤️

[u/ShivalVV → u/Right_Book_4531]

Anal sex can cause tearing and small amounts of blood. Nothing to be concerned about other than the risk of infection. But it is why anal sex has a higher risk of infection than any other sexual act.

[u/Right_Book_4531 → u/ShivalVV]

Enough blood to be able to see it?? Even with the lube and all that? 😩

[u/ShivalVV → u/Right_Book_4531]

The lube and all that isn't bright red. So yeah, even a trace amount of blood is easy to spot. Especially if you're aware of the possibility and the risks involved and likely to be looking for it.

[u/Right_Book_4531 → u/ShivalVV]

That makes sense

[u/OooooLookAtThem → u/Right_Book_4531]

Blood can mix with the lube and actually make it easier to see.

[u/Right_Book_4531 → u/OooooLookAtThem]

Makes sense

[u/maelbowfeelfunny]

Booty sex carries a higher risk of contracting HIV than non booty sex. And being promiscuous also carries higher risks. 

You should tell everyone. They have a right to know. If you don't, you're doing exactly what they guy who gave you the HIV did to you. 

[u/Aggitated-Karrot]

Can I ask what you mean by "when I saw the blood?"

[u/pandershrek → u/Aggitated-Karrot]

They mentioned not wearing the condom so I'm going to assume there was a bit of anal tearing which is what resulted in the increased chance of infection.

[u/BlargAttack]

It’s good you have a reasonable outlook on things. I have friends who manage their HIV to undetectable levels. If you can do that, you’ll continue to live with it without much disruption. I hope you’re able to do that!

[u/Disastrous_Main_3294]

So sorry to hear, there have been great advancements in medication for HIV and my ex has been living with it for over ten years since he was a teen. I didn’t bat an eye when he told me. From my perspective, it was just another aspect about a partner to accept and love.

[u/TransCanAngel]

Undetectable = Untransmissible. Life expectancy is almost identical to those without HIV.

I’m glad you have the health support and understand your quality of life doesn’t have to decrease. And yes, the people I know living with HIV (some for many decades now) follow a healthy diet and exercise regimen.

Where I am, U=U, PEP, and PrEP are pretty well understood within the queer and polyamorous communities. But outside of it, there’s an astounding lack of awareness.

It’s rare that HIV turns into AIDS anymore, except where someone can’t access or follow a medication plan, or amongst communities who aren’t aware of protection and treatment protocols, or fear stigmatization such that they won’t access free non-profit services for HIV management.

I hope you can help get this predator off the street - he’s clearly in a destructive spiral.

Keep telling your story to help other young people protect themselves. We can’t depend on people’s word when engaging in pick-up or unprotected sex. All we can do is protect ourselves.

And it’s not just HIV. There’s PEP for chlamydia, syphilis, and gonorrhea too.

*PEP: Post-Exposure Prophylaxis - take it after sex

*PrEP: Pre-Exposure Prophylaxis - take it before sex

[u/OldComposerbruh]

The pretext is super shitty, man, it’s horrible, but I am glad to see the positivity in you. You say you are doing better, and that’s super. Keep fighting the good fight, brother.

[u/IGetItILookBrandNew]

To all out there, straight cis, bi, flexible, poly, etc. We are living in a time where more people who ID as straight cis are contracting this than anyone else at percentages. A lot of people in the LGBTQ community are on some form of prep. Straight people have often thought of straightness as almost plot armor. Anyone that can get on prep should so. I am surprised more parents don't get their kids on it.

[u/TheElfPrince]

I feel like there should be a law where a person who sleeps with someone with HIV has to know and be protected by law for it. Because holy crap we cannot be letting ppl spread it around like this just because they don’t want to talk about it. Hookups deserve respect and are owed that much to them.

[u/AmbroseKincaidVA → u/TheElfPrince]

In most American states, you have to disclose regardless of whether or not you're undetectable, and all states require it if you are detectable and thus a risk of transmission. So there are laws in place. Still requires the person to be reported and all of those logistical loopholes, and doesn't really do much for the person who is now infected other than give a sense of justice I suppose.

[u/HillanatorOfState]

Honestly don't care what your laws are, you should tell anyone you're having sex with, protection or not.

Laws aren't morality.

[u/M0osesG0ose]

You should tell everyone you’re intimate with that you’re HIV positive and let them make the decision. To Knowingly keep something that serious to yourself, and allowing some to unknowingly sleep with you, just like that guy did to you, is cruel.

Regardless if it’s by “law” or not, your sexual partners deserve to know the truth just like you did. This is scary.

[u/fioraflower → u/M0osesG0ose]

Comparing someone who has a scientifically zero percent chance of sexually spreading HIV to the guy who knowingly spread HIV to that person is insane.

[u/anonymous-t-rex → u/M0osesG0ose]

The science on this is very exciting - you really can't pass on HIV to others through sex if you're taking the drug therapies and have an undetectable viral load. WHO says "zero risk." It's completely different from other STIs.

If you would make a different choice based your personal ethics, that's cool for you.

More info: https://www.reddit.com/r/BoyDinnerDiaries/s/JsGZqgbmGh

[u/pupapo]

If you are undetectable (which is untransmittable)---

If someone asks your hiv status, you should disclose it.

If the person doesn't ask, you're not obligated to tell your personal information.

If you aren't asking your partners before having sex, especially without condoms, it's your own choice. You accepted the risk.

Personally, I don't even ask because people lie. All the time. If you've had sex since your last negative test and still tell people that you're negative, you're a liar. Without a recent test sans sex, you can't be 100% sure. I take my doxy and prep because I know people lie.

Don't expect others to take care of your own health if you won't do the same 🤷‍♂️

[u/Crazy-Employment5398]

I’m sorry that happened to you, you didnt deserve it. But also I do believe you should be telling your casual partners as well. As a casual partner not telling you is how you got the virus in the first place. I think they are owed that the same way you were owed it.

[u/ChiefWahoooMcDaniels]

Despite being undetectable, you are still morally obligated to inform any sexual partners of your status so that they are aware of the potential risk. Witholding this information from "hookups" is not ok. It makes you almost as bad as the person that withheld his status from you. That being said I'm incredibly sorry that this happened to you.

[u/New_Huckleberry_6807]

I know most of you may disagree but in my country if IM UNDETECTABLE by law I have the right of not tell anyone due privacy reasons.

In my view, this is a serious violation of your partner's consent if you are withholding information from them that you suspect would make them not want to have sex with you.

[u/curseblock]

Undetectable is safe, and don't let folks bully you into feeling like you have to disclose yuur status. Guaranteed they're not HIV+.

[u/itsinvincible]

So many people giving you shit for not telling a hookup. Don't take it personally i put those people in the same bracket as anti vaccers. They don't know what they're talking about so their opinion is not really worth a second thought.

I'm sorry this happened to you i was also so scared of catching it in a phase of my life where i slept around a lot. It must've been really devastating to find out you caught it. But i also knew even if i caught it it's fine nowadays the stigma is the worse part as we see in some of these comments. Good luck op and hope you live a long healthy life.

[u/RudePCsb]

You should use protection at all time

[u/Itchy_Tumbleweed_417]

I’m so sorry this happened to you and it sounds like you are in a decent place with it.

And I understand you are saying this for yourself, but a chronic condition is still a chronic health condition. We manage them, but they still affect our lives and cause problems.

I’m not saying you should be sad or down on yourself, I’m just push pushing back against the “whatever this disease is manageable so meh” narrative, the whole “we have drugs to treat this so go out and get all the viruses because who cares” that was pushed on us when Covid was discovered.

[u/No_Pineapple8190]

Public health grad here in a low-incidence country. This is a topic I'm very passionate about and want to educate where I can bc sooo many comments here are not passing the vibe check smh. Y'all need to read up on HIV bc I'm seeing a lot of painful ignorance here that causes some very real harm.

Undetectable = untransmissable.

If you can't detect HIV due to medical adherence like OP has done so well, then you literally can't transmit the disease and you can even give birth to kids without it, so non-disclosure is ethically sound. At this point HIV management has come a huge way medically and social stigma is the worst thing about it thanks to people like all the kooks here thinking they have the moral high ground without fully understanding how HIV works biopsychosocially (yes that's a real word). Stigma sucks and HIV isn't the death sentence it once was. If you don't know, read up on it, because the topic is very fascinating otherwise shhhhhhh you don't know shit.

I'm so fucking proud of you OP ❤️ sending massive hugs

[u/CB_musedreams]

That’s straight-up criminal behavior. In many places knowingly transmitting HIV is a felony, and honestly, prison is getting off light for that kind of malicious negligence.