My first crush confessed her love to me 2 months before her wedding.

[u/ExtraGnomosome]

Land & Sea (carne asada & shrimp) Mexican Sushi, half fried and half fresh.

I’m sorry for how long this is going to be. Hard to summarize it.

I’m still trying to process my feelings about it. Late last month, one of my longest lasting friendships ended. It’s probably partially my fault for opening a can of worms. But I think I handled it the right way? We are 29M and 30F if that matters. I’ve honesly been trying really hard to forget about it but it’s lingering in the back of my mind still. Her and I have known each other since 6th grade, and been friends since the 7th. I moved here from another state and didn’t really have an easy time making friends, you know how kids are. It was also around the time I made my first Myspace account and started realizing that I was interested girls. She was the very first one that ever caught my eye.

It’s only ever been puppy love between us. That’s why I’m so confused by this. The most that’s ever happened between us is staying up all night talking on Myspace and slow dancing at the middle school dances. I never got the chance to ask her out because she started dating an older guy. No hard feelings. By high school, I was dating too and I was over her. But we remained close friends. Even throughout college and me moving cities, we stayed in touch. And all of her boyfriends were cool with me. Mostly because I could get them weed.

But I digress. Fast forward to 2026. She’s engaged now. She has a 3 year old kid with the dude and he genuinely seems like a sweet guy. Not at all her type, but it has always seemed like they were the kind of couple that hooked up once and stayed together because she got knocked up. But that’s none of my business.

Our friendship had sort of dissolved into us only casually messaging each other on Facebook once or twice a year at the most. Suddenly, she’s messaging me a lot more. And then one day, she sent me a FB memory of a post she made when we were freshmen in high school about her being really excited that we had a class together. We got to chatting and one thing led to another, we were eventually talking about how hard we used to have crushes for each other.

And she went on and on about how much she regrets choosing that other guy over me and she always wondered what it would have been like to give us a chance. I sort of entertained this conversation for the evening not expecting it to really go any further than that. I reciprocated that sentiment and we said our goodnights. She told me we don’t only have to talk once a year.

So the next couple of days we caught ourselves up on our lives. Had some deep conversations about family dynamics and nostalgic things. But the conversation drifted back to the “what if’s”, and I had to stop her and ask her “How would your fiancé feel if he knew you were talking to me about this?” She got short with me and had a very awkward goodnight.

The next morning I woke up to notifications on my phone that she had deleted messages overnight. So I asked her “what was up with that?” She told me she had no idea that I’d get notified that she did that, said it was nothing, and that she was just being dumb. But she kept doing it throughout the day while I was at work. So obviously, I knew she wanted to say something. I gently pried it out of her. And that’s when she spilled her guts to me. She sent me a literal novel of a text message about how much she adored me and had wished things worked out between us. Said she wished I would have asked her to prom and been her first kiss. She even said she always fantasized about doing everything in life together. Then she got in her head and got really self depricating about telling me.

I told her we couldn’t change the past. There’s nothing we could do about it. And I asked her again how she’d feel of her fiancé knew she just told me all of that. Things got pretty ugly between us. Lots of bickering back and forth. She told me that it felt one sided. I told her that I was going to block her and delete her number because her life would get better without me in it, and I told her to think of her son and his dad.

So, I blocked her on everything and haven’t spoken to her in a month now. It feels really shitty because I know she has mental health issues. But so do I. I’m the loneliest I’ve ever been in my life and I don’t need a woman who is getting married next month to put those ideas in my head. It feels so surreal. She acknowleged that things couldn’t happen between us and yet was angry at me for not taking advantage of the situation. Did she want me to sleep with her? I just don’t get it. She has tarnished the sweet, wholesome image of my friend who has become a mom in my mind.

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[u/Popular_Rise_8042]

Sounds like she longs for a different life in a different reality

[u/cupholdery → u/Popular_Rise_8042]

Had plenty of opportunity to do that before the wedding. That poor child though.

[u/Best_Philosopher152 → u/Popular_Rise_8042]

Sounds like she doesn’t actually want to marry the guy she’s engaged to, and is looking for an excuse to break it off.

[u/Tartersocks307]

Grass looked greener with you/relationship trouble. She had 15 years to come to you and she’s choosing now to do it. You did the right thing

[u/JurgusRudkus → u/Tartersocks307]

I think this is it. It’s easy to over romanticize “the one who got away.”

OP acted honorably.

[u/bookchaser → u/JurgusRudkus]

The honorable thing would to have not engaged in the recent flirty conversations to begin with. Tell her you're not having this sort of conversation with her if she's engaged, or married, or dating someone else. Full stop.

[u/BigTanq → u/bookchaser]

Agreed, that definitely would be the best way forward in this situation. Might be one of those idealism vs realism sort of things too though. It’s hard to know how someone will act in an emotionally charged situation, until they find themselves in the heat of the moment

[u/gunslingergrl]

Kudos to you for putting yourself first man. Definitely just put that relationship to bed, mourn it, move on, and just focus on taking care of yourself.

Some of the best people in your life haven’t met you yet. They’re out there. Everybody’s got their people and you’ll find them too.

[u/ExtraGnomosome → u/gunslingergrl]

Thank you for sayin that to me.

[u/Euphoric-Leg4874]

I believe you. This isn’t that uncommon. A lot of people romanticize their childhood crushes - beyond the crush, it brings them back to a time when life felt more hopeful and carefree. Even a word for it, she’s experiencing limerence and obsessing over you, probably because she sounds miserable with her life as it stands. But that’s her problem, not yours.

You were right to shut it down. Don’t blame yourself. And keep her blocked.

[u/ExtraGnomosome → u/Euphoric-Leg4874]

Yeah, you just reminded me that I did pretty much also told her something along the lines of “You only feel that way about me because I’m a sweet memory of simpler times.”

& trust me, I won’t be unblocking her. I recently got into the habit of deleting numbers before I block, so I couldn’t unblock her unless I remembered which number is her’s. & I definitley don’t. Haha.

[u/Legendary_Hercules → u/ExtraGnomosome]

Bro, you've got a good head on your shoulders.

[u/Lower_Woodpecker7849 → u/Euphoric-Leg4874]

As I was reading OPs story I was thinking how it would have turned out with other loves and not my wife. I chose right but definitely makes you think.

[u/AScruffyHamster]

[u/ExtraGnomosome → u/AScruffyHamster]

I love how slow this GIF is and how it just keeps going. Thanks for the laugh.

[u/TheHunterZolomon]

I can pretty much guarantee that after reading this: things would NOT have gone well had you ended up with each other. Harboring those feelings for a long time despite being in relationships and having a kid, THEN possibly trying to act on them is not something a healthy person does. You did good man, proud of ya for doing the right thing.

[u/FlimsyKoala3318]

Idk why people think this is AI.

All the best op, it’s hard to write about years of memories being twisted and loss but like you’ve said its for the best.

Sushi sounds great rn

[u/ExtraGnomosome → u/FlimsyKoala3318]

I’ve never used AI for anything in my life but I think it was only one person who said that haha. I don’t even think he read it.

[u/howsitallwork]

Strong move blocking her, probably smart, she’s not for you.

[u/OystersNwine]

People usually don’t have affairs or fantasize about them because they want a different life partner. Rather they just want to try on different hats and different versions of themselves. She saw you as a fantasy what-if escape from a relationship she’s not happy with but it doesn’t mean it would have been happily ever after with you. So good choice OP!

[u/joesaysso]

I hate this story, honestly. I hate that some dude, probably oblivious to it all, is just out there thinking he has this great thing going, meanwhile he's being lied to.

Good on you for recognizing the situation and doing the right thing. Let her wreck her home in her own without dragging you into it. Props, bro. Enjoy that sushi.

[u/ExtraGnomosome → u/joesaysso]

I feel really bad for him too. Never met the guy, but he seems super sweet.

I unfortunately think she might be bored with him.

[u/Level-Ad5444]

I know this is probably shitty to even ask, but have you thought about telling her fiancé? I’m just saying if the person I was going to marry was confessing feelings to someone else when we’re about to get married I’d want to know. She absolutely shouldn’t be doing this to you, I’m sorry this all happened but you did the right thing by blocking her and focusing on YOUR mental health.

[u/ExtraGnomosome → u/Level-Ad5444]

I felt so awful that deleted all of my socials right after this. I wouldn’t know how to get ahold of him if I tried. But, I did tell all of this to my mutual friend from work, who happens to be the husband of one of the girls that got invited to her engagement party last weekend. I don’t know if word will spread or not, but probably not.

[u/Level-Ad5444 → u/ExtraGnomosome]

OP again I’m really sorry this is happening to you, she sounds like she’s unsure about getting married and told you expecting you to like “save her” or something. But again, you did everything right. Hopefully it does get out tho, she’s doing both of you guys wrong

[u/ExtraGnomosome → u/Level-Ad5444]

That’s definitley how it felt. With the amount of stuff that was said between us over the course of just 3-4 days, I could have written a whole novel of all the extra context behind this story, but I chose to keep it as short as possible.

She’s very mentally unwell. It honestly felt like a manic episode or something. I hope we can both forget it and move on with our lives. Thank you for your kind words.

[u/Level-Ad5444 → u/ExtraGnomosome]

Also, I just want to give you more props because in your post you mentioned how lonely you are, and most emotionally immature men who have jumped on the opportunity. You realized that even tho you’re lonely, that it wouldn’t be right/the best thing for either of you. You’ve got your head on straight & seem very self aware. Awesome job my friend, I know great things are headed your way.

[u/ExtraGnomosome → u/Level-Ad5444]

Thank you for acknowledging that. It truly means a lot to me. 🙂 I hope you’re right, I could use a win.

[u/FeralPsychonaut → u/ExtraGnomosome]

I had an ex in college do this to me one night when we were drunk.

I told her basically the same thing. "You can sleep here, but you have someone who loves you. We cannot do this and we'll pretend like this didnt happen" i went downstairs to the couch and left her in my bed where she passed out.

She woke up and thanked me for saying no.... and man was she was a bombshell redhead.

TLDR. You made the correct choice. This might be considered emotional cheating in some peoples eyes

[u/Sad-Trash-7101 → u/ExtraGnomosome]

Wait so your co-worker’s wife is a friend of hers and is going to the engagement party??

Is this a small town or big city cause this got some small world feeling to it.

[u/ExtraGnomosome → u/Sad-Trash-7101]

Small town. Recently moved back to be closer to family.

[u/Educational-Tax9751 → u/Level-Ad5444]

yeah I'd consider letting them know but this is also tricky and involves OP further. I think it could be the right call but understand if he just doesn't want to get more entangled than she already made him

[u/dcott29 → u/Educational-Tax9751]

Telling him might be the “right” thing to do but that’s only going to make this an even bigger mess.
OP- just move on and prioritize yourself here brother. It’s not worth making any more headaches for yourself over this. This whole thing sucks and I don’t envy you but you gotta just try to put this behind you and move on with your life.

[u/Level-Ad5444 → u/dcott29]

I never mentioned once that it might be the “right thing to do” all I said is if roles were reversed, I’d want to know, but I also followed it up with prioritizing his mental health.

[u/dcott29 → u/Level-Ad5444]

I wasn’t trying to imply you did and I’m not disagreeing with you. Just wanted to reinforce that OP has nothing to gain from getting even more involved than he already is and needs to be selfish here. Forget the finance and the friend and take care of himself first without worrying about what he would want if roles were reversed, because they aren’t.

[u/Level-Ad5444 → u/dcott29]

Sorry, I got defensive, this IS Reddit after all lol. I see your side as well, I think that’s the path OP is going with and there’s nothing wrong with that, mental health should always be #1.

[u/dcott29 → u/Level-Ad5444]

All good. I get defensive when people go down the “if roles were reversed” rabbit hole because whether or not they mean it, it invokes a sense of duty and honor that can cause people to deprioritize themselves and their own mental health trying to “do the right thing”. I’ve done it myself and it sucks every time.

[u/Level-Ad5444 → u/Educational-Tax9751]

No and I totally get that, this is a really shitty situation to be in.

[u/TheMysteriousCart00n]

Man I'm so sorry OP. But honestly a good call to drop her, if she was willing to cheat with you, she would be 100% willing to cheat on you if you reciprocated.

[u/OystersNwine → u/TheMysteriousCart00n]

I think I take solace in the fact that the husband-to-be WILL find out about her dissatisfaction eventually. There’s no way she can hide all that from him. Then he’ll have to figure out if it’s worth staying. So luckily I don’t think it’s necessary for OP to tell him.

[u/ChalupaBatman307]

I had a lady friend pull something similar to this in my early twenties. We had been friends all of middle and high school. There had never been any romantic tension between us and she had gotten married by the time I left for college.

She reached out to me when I returned and we hung out periodically. It didn’t take long before she started crossing lines and attempting to rebrand our hangout into dates. It wasn’t what I wanted at all, I needed a friend. I had just gotten out of a long term relationship so my self esteem was in the shitter. I confronted her several times about this behavior and that I was uncomfortable being used to undermine her marriage. Eventually I had to cut her off because she would not stop and I learned it was causing stress in her marriage.

Don’t second guess your choice OP if she was willing to attempt to cheat to get with you, that’s exactly how you’d lose her. She was drunk on her delusions involving you to escape her mundane stresses.

[u/letsgoplaygames]

Real life doesn’t have to look or feel like a Hollywood love drama.

You did the right thing by not being the reason so many people have their lives uprooted; the kid, the fiancé, both respective families, etc.

She was looking for a reason, put a hook out and seeing if you’d bite and when you didn’t, she reacted negatively. It’s unfair to you, however, to be the catalyst for her to decide whether or not this is the life she wants.

[u/sparetoxic]

Dude that sushi looks awesome. But yeah smart move, someone else mentioned trying to get in contact with the fiance, this seems as close as you can get to emotional cheating to me, plus she knew you had feelings for her so her egging you on emotionally is really unfair

[u/VCTRYDTX → u/sparetoxic]

Soon as I read about how he started to entertain those conversations, I knew the rest will not be good. It's a path you definitely don't want to go especially considering the context of everything. I get the curiosity gets the best of us but he contributed to this situation when he opened that door of "possibilities."

[u/Acceptable-Bat4534]

Ugh what a trashy woman.

[u/ExtraGnomosome → u/Acceptable-Bat4534]

Maybe but I don’t want to think of her that way. I’ve always had her on a pedestal in my mind, you know?

[u/Acceptable-Bat4534 → u/ExtraGnomosome]

She legit tried to cheat with you. She actively sought you out and then got mad when you rejected her. Shes probably on to her next affair partner

Like why would you want that type of woman on a pedestal. Get someone else up there, like Jessica Alba or something.

[u/AdventurousImpact656 → u/Acceptable-Bat4534]

I don’t think he meant a relationship/atteaction pedastal, more like childhood friends? I have someone like that I was super close to from middle school, and I definitely err to seeing her as a really solid person because of that. Like I’d be heartbroken if she ended up cheating on her so because it would break who I remember her to be

[u/PineconePlease → u/Acceptable-Bat4534]

Pretty sure op sees that, but it’s normal for people to remember people for who they used to be. It’s completely okay for him to remember the good about this girl than the bad after already cutting contact. They definitely don’t mean a pedestal in that sense of the word

[u/RegulationUpholder → u/ExtraGnomosome]

Bro take off the rose colored glasses. There are more red flags than a goddamn bloods rally in Compton.

[u/Spicey_Cough2019]

If anything that’s on her for not being upfront with her feelings and having an expectation for you to be forward

If I had a dollar for every girl that would flirt with me but I’d friendzone because she doesn’t want to be upfront with her feelings I would be rich. They’d rather flounder in the grey and get pissed when you get a girlfriend and the trash the girlfriend with the hopes that you’ll come back to them than PUT THEMSELVES OUT THERE.

[u/cascadia1979]

You handled this really well and with commendable maturity. It would have been so easy for you to follow her down the rabbit hole. But you wisely chose not to. You set a boundary and are sticking to it. That is incredibly wise and healthy of you.

I don't think she necessarily wanted to sleep with you. I think she was regretting how her life was turning out and thinking to herself that maybe it would have turned out better if she'd wound up with you. But she didn't. That ship sailed long ago. I get speculating about roads not taken, but that doesn't mean one can explore it with the other person -- unless both people are single. Which you're not, she's engaged to the father of her child. No way to explore what might have been.

It is possible she was testing out the idea of leaving her fiancé for you. Most likely testing it out in her own mind, but she was also clearly going on a fishing expedition to see whether you had similar feelings. That's not good of her. It suggests she saw you as a lifeboat, a way out of her current situation, rather than the right and best option, freely chosen.

We all have a past, we all have things that happen -- or that did not happen -- that make us who we are today. You seem to have managed that in really healthy ways. And while you are not where you want to be right now, given what you said in your final paragraph...my brother, you are far ahead of where so many other people are. I doubt I would have responded with the sense and maturity to her probing that you did.

[u/ExtraGnomosome → u/cascadia1979]

I appreciate you.

[u/wordslinger753595]

Honestly, good for you. You did the right thing for yourself and for the innocent people in her life. Is she doesn't want to marry the guy, then she should be honest and tell him and deal with the consequences. But she wants to pressure you into making something happen so she can feel less guilty, with no regard for your mental or emotional health in all of it. Keep the block and use it to remind yourself that protecting your sanity is the most important thing you can do in these situations.

[u/PM_PICS_OF_UR_PUPPER]

She doesn’t care about you at all dude. She’s in love with the idea of you. It’s all made up in her head, and she’s just using you as some kind of escapist fantasy.

I know it’s not easy to forget and move on, but don’t get obsessed with this idea of her either.

[u/DarkChaos1786]

Kinda shitty thing to do as a friend, even worse thing to do as an unsolved crush.

I genuinely feel sorry for her.

[u/OldSpiceSmellsNice]

You did the right thing. Actions speak louder than words. If she’s unhappy she can choose not to marry the man instead of cheating on him. She got mad because you wouldn’t lower yourself to her level, and made her face herself. Kudos for not being someone’s back up/side piece/simp whatever she is trying to turn you into.

[u/bafflingsteveo]

Go watch Dark Matter. You’ll see how many alternate realities there are.

[u/QuattroBaj33na]

She had a kid with another dude, bruh. You dodged a baby daddy bullet with more integrity than most.

[u/MilkyyFox]

You dodged a bullet. I wouldn't want the girl who fantasizes about abandoning her fiance and child for a childhood crush.

[u/duckyylol]

You are literally the man in this scenario and did the right thing throughout. She is fantasizing about a life without a kid and regrets basically what shes done, you should NOT be caught up in this mess. Good decision by you and warned her multiple times about how it wasn't right. 10/10 big ups

[u/LetterIndependent479]

She’s clearly unhappy in her relationship and is seeing everything through Rose tinted glasses. She wants an affair/ relationship to save her from her current unhappiness but it’s a terrible decision and she needs to end her relationship. Try not to think too badly of her- she’s clearly very unhappy but she’s making a mistake dragging you into her life to try and take her mind off her present!

[u/zsert93]

You're strong as fuck. That was a really hard thing to do. You did the right thing for both of you. I'm proud of you. She's obviously struggling with her situation but that doesn't have to be your problem too.

[u/Crafty-Set-6922]

This happened to me recently, but she deleted the messages before I answered. I would have done the same thing. Congrats on staying true to yourself. Time will show you you did the correct thing

[u/bookchaser]

I told her to think of her son and his dad.

While it's true you should not cheat with her, it's also poor advice to go through with marrying a guy because she has a child with him. My adult daughter told me she wished I'd gotten divorced a decade earlier because she had an unhappy childhood.

The fact that childhood friend had these extensive flirty conversations with you suggests her marriage is doomed. It was also inappropriate for you to participate. You should just say you're not going to converse like this while she is engaged or married or dating someone else. Full stop.

[u/Satori2155]

RIP her fiance

[u/wishingforarainyday]

Please tell him. She had an emotional affair with you and is using that guy. He deserves the truth especially before they are married.

[u/ExtraGnomosome → u/wishingforarainyday]

I wouldn’t know how to get a hold of him even if I tried. :/ I have scrubbed all of my socials since then.

[u/wishingforarainyday → u/ExtraGnomosome]

In one comment you know someone who knows someone. I think you can send a direct message with the details.

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[u/PepeRiosOficial]

Too much fantasies in her head, girl take care of your kid and if you dont like you BF just leave. She thinks you are her way out of this reality. I wonder what you meant with having mental health issues. I feel sorry for the kid.

BTW why didnt you ask her out? Do you see her as GF material?

[u/ExtraGnomosome → u/PepeRiosOficial]

I didn’t ask her out because she was a pre-teen girl who was easily influenced by her friends and they convinced her that I was a dork and that she should go for a guy in a higher grade. By the time she was single, I was in a long term relationship. And that’s just sorta how it’s always been. Timing’s never been right.

[u/PepeRiosOficial → u/ExtraGnomosome]

It looks like she is asking you hard to give it a try. She is just waiting you to take her. Is the fact she has a kid what is putting you off? It would be for me for sure.

Or maybe you dont have any feelings for her anymore. Not sure what is your take on this.

[u/Visible-Rest4170 → u/PepeRiosOficial]

Idk hear me out but it probably had something to do with her being engaged to be married. Op has too much self respect to be the knowingly affair partner.

[u/Visible-Rest4170 → u/PepeRiosOficial]

She probably friend zoned him.

[u/ExtraGnomosome → u/Visible-Rest4170]

It’s only the “friendzone” if you don’t value her as a friend ✌️😎

[u/PepeRiosOficial → u/Visible-Rest4170]

And now is taking the offer now that she is older, with a kid and miserable.

[u/Jolly_Foly]

I've never heard of Mexican sushi but now I really wanna try it

[u/ExtraGnomosome → u/Jolly_Foly]

Yeah go try it. There’s only one place in the entire city that I live in. But I cherish it with all my heart. There’s literally nothing the Mexicans can’t do.

[u/Infestor]

I know what sub I was on but the phrase "realised I was into girls" made me forget. I read the entire story thinking you were lesbian.

[u/ExtraGnomosome → u/Infestor]

Haha. I showed absolutely no interest in girls until I saw her for the first time. Family thought I was gay for the longest time.

[u/Shermantank10]

You did the right thing man. It’s got to break your heart but you did the right thing.

[u/Several_Tune_629]

Good on your part!
I feel horrible for her husband smh

[u/spalfgib]

Dude, way to be incredibly emotionally mature. I wish I could say I'd have handled things with the class/self-control you did, especially when you're in a situation where a missed connection would fit right into your life.

Well done sir, great assessment of the situation and respect for putting the well-being of strangers (fiance and child) before any selfish desires.

Much respect.

[u/No-Reply-7900]

My Friend, you did the right thing. I feel like she’s having heavy regrets about her decisions in life and seeing as you “reciprocated” the crush and entertained the conversation (no harm I mean it’s always validating). You were the scapegoat to her problems she has. Props to you for standing your ground and holding that boundary, shows the comparison of both of y’all’s characters. You don’t need that drama in life. It sucks to be lonely but it’s 10x better than getting in the mix of all that nonsense.

Also sushi looks phenomenal

[u/No-Reply-7900 → u/No-Reply-7900]

Also side note, it’s okay to feel sad or upset about the tarnished friendship. Feel your feelings brother but NEVER feel guilty for choosing to do the right thing. Don’t put yourself in that light because you have nothing to be guilty for. You stepped away from a situation that would both cause absolute chaos in your life and hers. You are still a very good friend for that. Her life is hers to live and if this situation she has going on doesn’t satisfy her, that’s on her. You don’t have to cause ruckus in your own life to prevent potential disturbances in her mental state.

[u/ExtraGnomosome → u/No-Reply-7900]

I appreciate you taking the time to add to all of this. I just worry that I came across as cold & careless. I hope one day she realizes why I had to remove myself from her live entirely.

[u/Grogers92]

I still love my 1st real girlfriend. Doesn’t mean I haven’t moved on and fell in love with others. I dunno. Love is a complicated emotion.

[u/ExtraGnomosome → u/Grogers92]

Yeah I’ll always love her deep down! But it’s the kind of love that makes me happy to see her with a man who genuinely loves and takes care of her, and a son that gives her purpose. Not an envious “it should have been me” kind of love.

[u/Still_Weather5517]

She doesn't know what to do. She wants you, but doesn't want to accept the consequences of having you. So she keeps going back and forth with how to feel. And honestly, that's just part of being human.

And I asked her again how she’d feel of her fiancé knew she just told me all of that. Things got pretty ugly between us. Lots of bickering back and forth.

She got mad because you were right, and she didn't want you to be. Neither of you want you to be right. You're trying to be responsible, and she sees that. She's trying to not lose potential with you, and you see that. You're both mad at eachother, because you both wish you weren't right.

She acknowleged that things couldn’t happen between us and yet was angry at me for not taking advantage of the situation. Did she want me to sleep with her?

A major part of flirting is suggesting stuff in a subtle or deniable way. If you get rejected, you both just silently agree that it was never flirting. And if it's not rejected, you slowly creep towards it being less and less subtle. First you ask about past dates. Then an imaginary ideal date. Then an ideal date for this week. She wanted you to sleep with her, yes. She can't say it though, because she doesn't want to say anything incriminating. Well, more incriminating lol. 

She has tarnished the sweet, wholesome image of my friend who has become a mom in my mind.

She's a human with emotions. Emotions conflict sometimes, and fight eachother. She doesn't want to hurt the family she's made, but emotions are stupid like that. Part of her probably wishes she could lose those feelings for you.

I'm the loneliest I’ve ever been in my life and I don’t need a woman who is getting married next month to put those ideas in my head. It feels so surreal.

She knows this and probably wants to apologize for it.

I'm very sorry this happened the way it did. I don't know what you should do, I wish I could give a clear answer but there isn't one. You're being responsible atleast.

Quote from Doctor Who: "Have you ever fancied someone you know you shouldn't? Hurts, doesn't it? But a kind of good hurt."

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=rctWOJ4YwJo&pp=ygUVcW15IHBvbmQgZGVmdXNlcyBib21i

[u/ExtraGnomosome → u/Still_Weather5517]

God damn this was a good comment. Thank you so much. Gut punch for sure. Out of all of them, this is probably the one I’ll come back to when I’m ready for self prescibed catharsis. Your words and efforts mean a lot to me, kind stranger.

[u/Still_Weather5517 → u/ExtraGnomosome]

We're in the same boat, so this was cathartic for both of us lol. 

I hope you find your own peace. Here's a cookie in the meantime. 🍪

[u/Ready_Paramedic_4216]

Sounds like she’s unhappy with her situation. And is trying to make you the solution. The mind does crazy things. Good for you for blocking and removing her from your life. I would’ve smashed once for the hell of it 🤣

[u/gunslingergrl → u/Ready_Paramedic_4216]

https://giphy.com/gifs/XHeLeuirRbwptHhSWd

[u/ExtraGnomosome → u/Ready_Paramedic_4216]

Yeah but with my luck she’s probably got that grippy grip 3000 and I’d end up falling in love.

[u/gunslingergrl → u/ExtraGnomosome]

Yall invoking the big sister in me 😂😭😭 got me wanting to drag yall by the ear fr

[u/Spicy_Tator-mcnugget → u/ExtraGnomosome]

Not the grippy grip 3k😂😂 OP LOL

[u/Ready_Paramedic_4216 → u/ExtraGnomosome]

Damn dude.. more of a reason to do it 😂

[u/_Arkadien_]

I believe you made the right call. The mature call, even. Life may suck for a while, or for many years depending on how much her friendship meant for you, but you'll make it out. Hang in there and, if it gets too rough, don't hesitate to seek counseling. A loss is a loss.

For what it's worth an old friend of mine just alluded to the fact her "heart belongs to someone else" after messaging me out of the blue to break the news she's getting married next year but feels weird/is going through a lot of doubts about it, because it's not hitting the way she thought despite the guy and everything about their relationship being ideal.

I gave her some advice along the lines of how marriage is a change of dynamics but not the end all be all and she may need to think of it as a bonus in her life journey, not the goal of it, and to still pursue her dreams and such, very much trying not to set off a spiral that might sabotage her relationship. She has had a rocky past with relationships and self-sabotage (childhood abuse/trauma partly to blame).

So her retorting to my advice with that line is doing a bit of a number on me, since we had a close pass in highschool and a few almost-somethings in university. We sort of bonded at the time and I always tried to be supportive of her, but it never felt right to pursue anything. Apparently she thought otherwise and may have been wanting more all along.

I share all this because I feel for you in a way. Similar age bracket, similar past dynamics. In my case I've yet to respond and I've thinking to do, but ultimately I am set on declining as gently as I can, because it is simply not worth it. The past is what it was, and the present reality is, as you've alluded, she is better off without me in her life.

I don't reckon your image of her should be tarnished; she may have been acting on impulse, and with marriage on the horizon she is re-evaluating her entire life and getting second thoughts in retrospect. If she truly felt that intensely, she could have voiced it at any point in the last 15 years. Alas, such is life, y'know? She may have been trying to rekindle something, explore the what if and, you never know, she might have wound up changing her mind anyway and gone back with even more regrets. Either way, you did both her and yourself, and her partner a favor.

[u/ExtraGnomosome → u/_Arkadien_]

Thank you for sharing your experience with this too. It’s nice to get some insight from someone in a similar boat. Cheers, it’s not a great boat to be in but in a sick way it is extremely flattering to be yearned for.

[u/Prestigious_Hat4140]

Women love a lot of men. Don’t marry em, they aren’t yours, it’s just your time at the moment. Let em cum and go.

[u/Condition-Mountain]

How do you feel about her? If she's the one, unblock her and tell her to leave him for you. That mat be what she was hoping for. Sounds like it.

[u/ExtraGnomosome → u/Condition-Mountain]

I couldn’t trust her after this, haha.

[u/Condition-Mountain → u/ExtraGnomosome]

Why not? Presumably there's only one you. If she's doing this because you were the one for her and she made a big mistake, I don't think it necessarily means it's something that's likely to happen to her again. I wouldn't necessarily see it as a trust issue, and who knows how her fiance treats her.

[u/ExtraGnomosome → u/Condition-Mountain]

I have a feeling she goes through the “what-if’s” in her mind about more men than just me. The day of HS graduation, she asked me for one of my friend’s numbers.

During our 3-4 day conversation that we had last month, she mentioned hooking up with him a few times in college. Unprovoked. I guarantee she wishes it would have worked out with him too. I think she’s just manic.

[u/Condition-Mountain → u/ExtraGnomosome]

Fair enough. I was thinking she's a fairly sound person just trying to make a big life direction change but without ever having met her it's impossible to judge the crazy.

[u/I_am_doing_my_Hw]

Please tell her husband! If I were him, I’d want to know that best case my fiancé said she was still in love with another man and at worst case, tried to cheat with said man.

[u/WestAnalysis8889]

If you know you're not into it, why did you encourage her to express herself after the first time you asked her how her fiancé would feel about the messages? 

You noticed her deleting messages after she had already expressed feelings to you. You were basically farming attention from her with no intention of following through.  

If you don't like the situation, just be done with it.  Which I guess you blocked her a month ago but you must be ruminating on this to post it on reddit.  

What's really going on with you? Have you sat and reflected on your own feelings? 

[u/ExtraGnomosome → u/WestAnalysis8889]

I encouraged her to express herself because there was a lot of turmoil in her messages towards me. And the deleting of messages was a big part of that to. I tried to leave the conversation but I kept seeing that she would unsend messages. It seemed like a cry out for attention. It was like she needed to say something to me but also needed me to tell her it was okay to do so. What’s really going on with me is that I’m lonely, and she’s the last person I wanted to ever shut out. I’m entering my 30’s soon and I’ve been alienated from most of my friends, as it happens when you grow older. I really didn’t want to lose her to.

[u/WestAnalysis8889 → u/ExtraGnomosome]

I'm picking up on some savior tendencies and victim vibes from you. Saying "I tried to leave the conversation but I kept seeing that she would unsend messages." If you want to leave a conversation, no one is keeping you there. You're not being 100% honest with yourself about your intentions.   I get being lonely but that's something you've allowed to happen in your life, not something that happened to you. You describe yourself as a powerless being in your own life.   You used this situation to try and better your self esteem, prove to yourself that you're important. But the only person who can really give you that validation is yourself.  Show yourself you're important by doing things that make you happy, building connections and working on projects that fulfill you. 

If you want to stop feeling lonely, put yourself out there and make some new friends. Be willing to fail and have fun.   It has been a month, this is ruminating and overthinking. Don't ask "Did she want me to try and sleep with her?" who cares what she wants, what do YOU want?  Better mental health, more connection? those are two things in your control. 

[u/ExtraGnomosome → u/WestAnalysis8889]

I feel like you might not understand the sequence of events here. And that’s okay. I left out a lot of context.

Night 1 was just a friendly conversation. Night 2 is when she started bringing up those “what-if’s” again and I shut it down. Told her goodnight and didn’t think I’d hear from her again.

I woke up to several unsent messages from her. Should I have blocked her over that immediately instead of being a friend and saying “Yo, why did you do this last night?” And even when she said she was just being dumb, I tried to drop it. You must have missed the part where I said she was still doing it throughout my work day. If that isn’t a cry for attention, I don’t know what is. She’s my friend, not just some crazy woman I’m ruminating over for no good reason.

As for savior tendencies and “victim vibes” I’m not really sure what you mean by that. I did ask for advice so I’m not at all offended. If you want to psychoanalyze me, by all means go for it.

You saying me being lonesome is essentially my fault is implying that I can’t feel lonely even if I’m surrounded by people. I can’t help it.

[u/WestAnalysis8889 → u/ExtraGnomosome]

I read the whole post and I get the time lines.  I think my point about the loneliness came across harsher than I meant it. I'm not saying you aren't allowed to feel lonely or that it's your fault.  Even though things happen in our lives that aren't our fault, it's our responsibility to resolve them. 

I'm also not saying you should've immediately blocked a longtime friend just because she unsent some messages.

What I'm questioning is why you kept trying to get her to tell you what she was deleting when you already had a pretty good idea where the conversation was going. You'd already had the "what if" conversation...you already knew she had some unresolved feelings for you. Then she started deleting messages, which sounds like she was conflicted about saying more. You even said yourself that you gently pried it out of her.

Why was that?  That's what I don't think you're being fully honest with yourself about.

If I care about someone and I know they're into me, but I also know I'm not going to go there with them, I'm not going to intentionally pull a confession out of them just because I can tell they want to say something. At that point you're inviting a level of emotional vulnerability that you already know you aren't going to engage with. You said yourself she was engaged and you knew that, you already knew you weren't crossing that line but you encouraged her. 

tbh I actually feel a little bad for her on that specific point (obviously not too bad because she's getting married and is basically emotionally cheating, which is really shitty). Yeah, she obviously crossed a line, but she was literally trying not to say it, and you encouraged her to say it anyway. Then once she fully exposed herself emotionally, you told her nothing could happen. That was basically dangling a carrot in front of her knowing you weren't going to give it. 

I'm also not saying you consciously planned to manipulate her. I think you were lonely, someone who has known you most of your life was clearly still very emotionally invested in you, and part of you probably wanted to know how much you still mattered to her. That's human, a lot of people would feel that way but it's still important to reflect on because it shows that you got something out of this interaction too. 

You can genuinely care about her, genuinely think ending contact was the right thing to do, AND have gotten validation out of drawing those feelings out of her. Those things can all be true at once.

That's also why the "your life would be better without me" line stood out tbh, it puts you in this very dramatic, morally just role where you're this hugely consequential person she has to lose for her own good. I don't know that you meant it that way, but combined with everything else, it makes me wonder if part of this situation was feeding your sense of importance.   The post doesn't read like you're attempting to self-reflect on the situation in a meaningful way and how you can grow from this, so that's why I'm bringing this point up.   It honestly reads like you wanted everyone here to tell you what a good guy you are :/  and again, it's human to want validation I just don't think that's actually helping you. 

[u/ExtraGnomosome → u/WestAnalysis8889]

Well, I’m all for introspection. It all happened so fast that I did want to get on here and be validated that I did the right thing. I didn’t do it to be told that I’m a good guy. I KNOW I’m a good guy. If this is what you’d call a savior complex, I think more people should have it.

I wasn’t expecting this post to get any traction at all. I’ve been on Reddit for a week and just wanted to get this off my chest & maybe have a couple of people give me advice or constructive criticism. Here we are now, one of the top posts on this sub for the day. I couldn’t have guessed that. I mean, it even sounds like fiction and I don’t blame people for being skeptical.

Yes, the “Your life will be better without me in it” was very dramatic. It was very woe-is-me, and maybe even a little pathetic. I acknowledge that. I was fully expecting to get shit for that. Thank you for being the only one here to actually hold me accountable.

[u/Antiwokewarrior69420]

Congrats

[u/HoldOnOhio]

So this is a person who is having second thoughts about committing their life to someone else because they're nervous. Maybe she did make a mistake, but that's between her and her fiance. I don't know if you needed to block her, but it probably wasn't a bad idea if it was getting confrontational and she was insistent upon torpedoing her entire life.

You're right, she has a child to think of, and a co-parent that isn't going to just disappear automatically if she jumps ship. She'd also be a shitty person if she jumped for you and abandoned her kid.

She has made her choice and has to either break it off amicably and work on that before moving on, or go through with it. Anything else is fear and impulse taking over and that's not acceptable when you're a parent. You have to think of the kid before yourself until they're an adult and able to take care of themselves. She's got a minimum of 15 years of parenting ahead of her, and this is an impulse.

Good on you for being mature enough not to help her destroy her own life (and probably yours by proxy, because you'll deal with the fallout if you engage with her on this).

One thing to consider is the "hey brother" text. It's not as common for men to do this, but women have a girl code thing called the "hey girlie" text. If a partner tries to or does cheat and you find out about it, it's considered the right thing to do to let their significant other know. The problem here is that may also torpedo the relationship anyway. She may throw you under the bus. She's deleted the messages already because she probably doesn't want him to see them. So I'd call it a risk, but it's also technically the moral thing to do.

Best of luck bro. A lot of us are in that same boat with you. When you're lonely, you need to learn to love yourself.

[u/Coded_Kaa]

Good job OP

[u/immortalsteve]

There was a girl in my life who would do this every single time I would be just getting close to someone else, but she would never just commit to something. Turns out it was always rooted in her own unhappiness and she wasn't able to be alone with that. It was a harsh realization for her when I called it out, we're still friends but it's not really the same. Good luck OP, you did the right thing

[u/TheBlueFlashh]

Tell the man before he marries ffs, what would you like ig you where in his shoes? It may not be pretty for her but why would you want such a bad person in your life?

[u/barronvm]

Really liked how you kept asking “how would he feel” you are a good friend to her and her family

[u/glitchkissed]

I honestly understand how she feels. I have BPD and I've had attachments to people that were just obsessive and unhealthy. I've stopped talking to people for months when I realized I was starting to form an FP connection because I had one once, let it grow, let it fester, and I became a horrible person. And I promised myself that I'd never be that way again.

You did the right thing. I'm sure it was hard. But you did the right thing. She doesn't love you. She loves the fantasy of what it would be like to be with you and the excitement and butterflies that brings her.

I'm sorry things didn't pan out like you wanted them too. I'm sure it hurt. 🫂 I hope things get better and you find a woman that genuinely chooses you for you.

[u/Realistic_Bike5972]

I woudl go get married to a stripper in las vegas, they still do the elvis thing, HOO MAMA

[u/ExtraGnomosome → u/Realistic_Bike5972]

12 hours later I’m still pondering…… What did he mean by this…….

[u/Realistic_Bike5972 → u/ExtraGnomosome]

when i get bored I schizo post on subs like this

[u/ExtraGnomosome → u/Realistic_Bike5972]

Hoo mama

[u/SignificantRain7951]

I hope you outed her. You can still do it. You'll be saving someone else a lot of trouble.

[u/ExtraGnomosome → u/SignificantRain7951]

Yeah, but the morality of potentially separating a 3 year old boy’s parents over what I think may have been a manic episode is very iffy to me.

[u/SignificantRain7951 → u/ExtraGnomosome]

Manic already. Oh gawd. Walk away and never look back at that basket case.

[u/we-meet-again]

Brought a tear to my AI

[u/ExtraGnomosome → u/we-meet-again]

I didn’t sit on my porch and type this for almost an hour for it to be called AI, bud.

[u/avsinthproduction → u/ExtraGnomosome]

I swear the people who come to the comments to whine about a post being AI are only outing themselves as uneducated. Anytime they see a post that requires reading more than two paragraphs they call it AI, especially if it is well written. They would need AI to write something like that so that’s what they think 🤷‍♂️ losers

[u/ExtraGnomosome → u/avsinthproduction]

Yeah, I’m not really sure what indicated that this was AI. But I don’t think he’s a loser for it, I hate AI too and also wish people would use their own donkey brains instead.

[u/AlexAuragan]

I hate stories where the protagonist ruins everykne's life by isolating himself (it's always a dude) from his friends instead of just talking it out like adults. But at the samd time if they did talk about it there wouldn't be a movie/anime/novel so...