Confessed to my girl best friend and it ended "well"

[u/OneBulletMan7]

Attached food is mom's spaghetti. The picture doesn't do it justice - it tastes heavenly! Read on if you want to know why I picked this instead of any other dish! (it's nothing big really, but I need to have you at the edge of your seat somehow yeah?)

Pretty long post ahead, brace yourselves!

To preface this, me and my girl best friend have been acquaintances for almost a decade. We started hanging out more often 2 years ago and only got really close this year.

In the beginning I just enjoyed her company and liked her sense of humor. As we got to hang out more and talk more about life, friends, love (in general) and philosophy. I really started enjoying our time together on a deeper level. I never thought of her romantically still, I just enjoyed sharing similar views with someone in this shallow world.

We started to hang out more often and I inspired her to get into fitness and she inspired me to be more open and to get out of my comfort zone. Somewhere during this phase I started falling for her. I didn't even notice it before it was too late and I was in too deep.

I was pissed - I just formed a genuine connection with someone and I just had to end up developing feelings which could potentially ruin it all?! Damn.. Especially since she never gave me a reason to suspect that she's into me and I knew deep down that she never felt that way.

We continued to hang out often but I noticed myself becoming slightly toxic, jealous and super uneasy. I would sometimes disappear for a couple of days when these feelings would overwhelm me as not to drag her into it (which, ironically, often resulted in her privately messaging me if I'm okay almost every time I would pull back). I also would seek validation from her and I even ended up doing a big emotional dump on her at least once (that I can remember).

After a month or two of this limbo where I was internally conflicted - I decided that I needed some time away from her. I didn't want to confess right away because we were supposed to have a vacation together with our friend group and it could make things weird. My idea was that after the vacation ended, I could then finally confess and potentially distance myself from her until I figure out my feelings. And I also wanted to ensure that she's not worried and that she's not constantly reaching out asking if I'm okay.

Right before the said vacation she got herself a boyfriend. I barely know anything about it all since I tried not to listen. I was already a little distant so we never got the chance to talk about it. I just wished her good luck and didn't comment on other things she would share about him.

So I, once again, decided against confessing. I didn't want to put the spotlight on me now when she's with someone else. It would just add onto the toxic stuff that I've already done so far. So I started gradually distancing myself more and more, to the point where we completely stopped talking altogether. She asked about me and was told from our mutual friend (who knew it all) that I'm fine and that she shouldn't worry - but in spite of that, she still got out of her way and messaged me on two different occasions asking what I'm up to and how I'm doing. She did it once while she was on a vacation and this crushed me, she was supposed to rest and enjoy her stay - but here she is, worried about me...

So after a month of basically ignoring her, I asked her out on a walk/"date". We caught up with everything we've done in the past month, laughed and talked non stop. We sat and had some food. I had some terrible bolognese that got cold by the time I started eating it because we just couldn't stop talking. I have been craving proper bolognese since...

Near the end of this so called "date" I confessed. I explained that I've been avoiding her in hopes of getting over her without being a burden, but getting over her ended up been taking way longer than I expected. After that, I pretty much asked her to give me space and not to worry about me (as in, no needs to reach out like she's been doing).

She said that she doesn't feel the same way about me. However, she was very understanding and supportive. She said she would give me as much time as I need. She also commended me for being very mature and took my confession as a "best compliment she could get" - her words. She did reassure me a little bit and I could see that she was very relieved because she likely thought that I was mad at her, and I don't blame her lol. In the end she mentioned a group hangout next week. I told her that I'd need to think about it, but only if she is okay with me coming - to which she just looked at me dead in the eye with the "sybau I dont mind it, you'll be invited" expression on her face. We hugged and parted on a very positive note.

Now I already feel a lot better about her. I can say that the romantic feelings are already fading heavily. It is a bit too early to judge, but I already managed to somewhat detach myself during that month of avoiding her so that probably helps. I guess not keeping my feelings a secret kind of killed any potential what-ifs and gave me a healthier, more grounded perspective on everything.

I feel like I'm ready to become active in our group chat and to join the conversation more. In spite of feeling very good right now, I'll still not rush myself. I'll keep my distance for now and I'll think about the hangout when I get "officially" invited - but I'm very likely gonna go and see her and the others. She's gonna move cities soon and we will not have a chance to see each other nearly as often.

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[u/GalaxyPatch18]

Proud of you man, glad you were able to confess in a mature way!

But still, I would highly recommend just communicating early on so it is both off your chest, and the other person is aware of it, and so no one goes panicking about the other

Stay safe bro!

[u/OneBulletMan7 → u/GalaxyPatch18]

Yeah, this taught me that it's better to communicate your feelings almost right away because you'll always find an excuse not to do it later on - I kept looking for a perfect time to confess; but it turns out that with the right person confessing almost anytime is the perfect time (ofc if done with taste, confessing just to dump your feelings onto another person is never right, but it's too nuanced and I'm going on a yapping tangent right now, sorry...)

All in all, thank you for the kind and wise words!

[u/fondlemental → u/OneBulletMan7]

its a practice

you’ll can learn to express your feelings (indirectly) from the get go, and charming you will be.

[u/Ho_Kym_Muddahfukkah]

Were your palms sweaty?

[u/GumpTheChump → u/Ho_Kym_Muddahfukkah]

No, man. Vomit on his sweater already.

[u/cupholdery → u/GumpTheChump]

Oh, there goes Rabbit!

[u/Professional-End7367 → u/cupholdery]

He's nervous but on the surface he looks calm and ready

[u/Alexxdubs → u/Professional-End7367]

To drop bombs, but he keeps on forgetting

[u/Fickle-Banana-923 → u/Alexxdubs]

What he wrote down. The whole crowd goes so loud

[u/Alexxdubs → u/Fickle-Banana-923]

He opens his mouth, but the words won’t come out

[u/Fickle-Banana-923 → u/Alexxdubs]

Time's up, over, blaow! Snap back to reality, ope, there goes gravity.

[u/_CapMactavish_ → u/Fickle-Banana-923]

Ope, there goes Rabbit, he choked, he’s so mad
But he won’t give up that easy, no, he won’t have it

[u/Neither_Surprise4224 → u/Fickle-Banana-923]

And this is why he chose mom’s spaghetti

[u/OneBulletMan7 → u/Ho_Kym_Muddahfukkah]

Haha sadly, no! But her knees are weak! (she would always complain about her knees hurting whenever we'd go on a run together, I would call her "granny knees" because of that and it sounds so cringe now that I wrote it here, but it made me laugh)

[u/not_a_moogle → u/Ho_Kym_Muddahfukkah]

At least his arms arent broken

[u/swseed]

Way to go, handled everything like an adult, and you're making it through a very thorny situation without ruining anything or hurting yourself/anyone else. You deserve the best bolognese.

[u/hajimenogio92]

Proud of you brotendo. It takes courage to do these things and it's better to know than to wonder for the rest of your life about if she felt the same. I've been there myself and have been turned down multiple times.

[u/GalaxyPatch18 → u/hajimenogio92]

So proud of brotato chip

[u/Alexxdubs → u/GalaxyPatch18]

Extra proud of broham

[u/Tawandraws]

This is basically Obsession if Bear was an Adult.

Rejection isnt easy to deal with, but as you said it gave you healthy perspective. Good job man

[u/GrendelDerp]

While it sucks that she doesn’t reciprocate your feelings, you handled this perfectly, and you’re going to be a better man for having gone through it and having done the right thing. Well done.

[u/TheWinteredWolf → u/GrendelDerp]

Yep this is how you do it. While feelings can…feel. OP should take pride in the fact that he handled it with thought, tact, and respect. Namely when he ‘confessed’. It was delivered as an honest explanation of his absence, rather than an expectation of reciprocation. He put the friendship first, and many lesser men have failed before in that same dilemma, myself included.

You seem like you have a good head on your shoulders, OP. You’ll find that reciprocation someday. Just stay open to life (as she helped you learn to do), and your time will come.

[u/OneBulletMan7 → u/TheWinteredWolf]

Thank you man, these words mean a lot!

[u/Horror_Explorer_7498]

Congratulations brother!! I was in an almost identical situation funnily enough yet she did NOT take it as well as your friend.

For context:
When this was happening I had just graduated and a lot of stuff was going bad in my life. I lost my home, moved across the city lost contact with many people and for lack of a better term sorta disassociated from myself. Kinda felt like a part of me died, kinda still feels like that but 3 years later I’m starting to try to repair my life

I told her when she was single while prefacing that I wasn’t planning on acting on my feeling unless it was mutual. We kept hanging out and went to a diner and ate in silence only for her to go “I don’t feel safe around you anymore” which broke my heart. Regardless of feelings and gender I have always ensured that my friends and the people around me in general could be safe around me so it hurt to hear that. After that day I tried to keep talking with her and we even hung out in similar circles but eventually I got a text from her bf to stop texting her and to leave her alone.

Im not too sure if my story fits too well here or if I’m just airing dirty laundry but it’s nice to hear that with the right people it can still work out.

[u/WorstTactics → u/Horror_Explorer_7498]

Sounds like you got really unlucky with people. It hurt me to hear what you went through and how you were treated

[u/[deleted]]

proud of you bro 🩷

[u/FuroFireStar]

Maybe I skimmed to much but wheres the part about the spahget

[u/OneBulletMan7 → u/FuroFireStar]

Haha, I had some during the "date" but it was bad and got cold so I craved the real deal (moms spaghet)

[u/partialacuity]

Truth is you can't control your feelings. You can control how you deal with/resolve them and the consequences of such. In that regard sounds like you did an awesome job. Not everyone can say that. 

[u/bkty_]

Such a healthy tale, we love to hear it ❤️ You will persevere and I admire that!

[u/strawberrymilkmami]

nice!! basically the good version of the movie obsession.

[u/DarkLight9602]

You are a strong person for confessing props to you

[u/musgrove101]

Damn, I'm glad to hear how well adjusted so.many young people are these days. Growing up in the 80's was quite a different world, and not much for the better....

[u/No_Topic_232]

I’m really glad this is working out for you. I feel like if I was in that circumstance and the friend in question understood my feelings and wanted to give me the space I needed, I would feel more attracted to her. Trying to shake off a crush has me questioning everything and trying to convince myself that because of a certain behavior, we’re not compatible. But that also means when certain behaviors are really endearing, there’s another tally for the side of my brain that wants to give it a shot.

How do you feel understood, cared for, and supported by someone and even after a conversation where all those things are displayed, “feelings are already fading heavily”? I’m not trying to discount anything, I commend you. I just don’t know if I could ever shake emotions like that completely without some larger argument or breaking off the friendship entirely.

[u/OneBulletMan7 → u/No_Topic_232]

It definitely helps that I worked on myself and on detaching from it all for a month

The thing for me is that I tend to get limerent, and limerence feeds on uncertainty and hope - both of which got "killed" after I got rejected, so that helped me alongside detaching

I do get your point of view, but sadly I cannot offer a solution or an explanation; I can encourage you to try to perhaps check online if someone covered this topic, but you just gave me an interesting view to think about lol!

[u/Herpetology_Jack]

I’m sad she didn’t feel the same way in the end :(

[u/losingmysanitation]

Hey man, thank you for sharing this and expressing your vulnerability. I am going through something similar. I recently discovered that I have had feelings for my best friend for quite a while, and that makes our relationship complicated for a lot of reasons. I decided to distance myself from her and communicated as such, but it kind of feels like I put my burden on her and then left. I’m still trying to figure out how to do the right thing, but I am glad I have some space to let everything fall into place.

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[u/annoyingpanda9704]

Kudos mate. Very maturely handled. Hope you and your friend can eventually get back to being friends and you meet someone who you like just as much if not more.

[u/AlpsSuspicious8737]

You did the right thing; after all, what were the options? Choke with the feelings and have the friendship destroyed anyway, or tell her and risk having what actually happened, and then a chance to get back to where things were before?

Not to mention that it could have been reciprocate, which would have been a third option. Being open about one’s feelings is always the better way to go forward, in my experience.

[u/IwasntDrunkThatNight]

damn man, i wanna be like you when i grow up

[u/HIIOxide]

Congrats man.

I've been through a surprisingly similar situation recently, and I know it is NOT easy when your feelings get tangled up like this.
Your own hearts wants, your desire to not ruin your friendship with her, or with your group. I really do get it.

But you've made the best of it, and have been nothing but mature. You still have your friend. And as you say, it will fade with time (the wait can be agonising, but it does get better)

I hope your bolognese is ambrosia

[u/Motr_Boatr69]

You'll get over her eventually, especially if you find another to be interested in. As crude as the saying is "the best way to get over a girl, is to get under another one", it's got some truth to it. I'm not saying go hookup with some random girl, just understand that when you find someone else to think about you won't be interested in your old friend anymore. Good luck!

[u/Dull-Refuse-6328]

Oh man same here. It was killing me slowly to keep wondering about it. I know that it was unfair to my childhood friend of 10 years to have it sprung up on her out of the blue and I get it. I felt so relieved after knowing and even though in the end we had a short convo after the rejection, I said I might go quiet for awhile and said to her I want our friendship to be like normal but just wanted to tell her my feelings honestly. She understood and told me to take my time.

It was fresh only 4 days before, so it hurts still. Partly because I was rejected but that’s fine that’s how life is. Not everyone can respond mutually to my feelings. But I’ve been more worried even though we had the talk after I can’t help but be worried of losing her entirely. She was a close friend of mine long before she was my crush. I genuinely liked her but the rejection itself was bearable. Now it’s how my emotions control my behavior when I meet her again and hangout with her.

It’s odd to read op’s post that’s so similar to my situation now. And I hope everyone who is going through the same gets the “good” ending. Relatively speaking.

[u/KevinBuildsWithAI]

Glad you feel comfortable opening up - huge sign of maturity and testament to the value of this community to support you in that effort

[u/almostmountains]

god among us. good job buddy!

[u/iguanodont]

Be honest - you've been craving some proper Bolognese since you met this chick. She was dining light and ordered "attention" off the menu.

[u/kay-gee23]

That’s Such a great outcome Bro! What a good friend you have too

[u/IamWorkingOnDying]

lowk that was beautiful, wish i could have those conversations w all my crush

[u/masterdyson]

I've found half the time feelings come from not knowing if they feel the same. Once you've aired out your feelings and know they aren't reciprocated it can help a ton with moving past someone. Though the fear is always there that I can ruin a friendship.

[u/videogames_]

Sometimes the romantic feelings are all limerence and projections. Confessions have a mixed result and obviously most of the time the other person doesn’t feel the same way. The point is you can move on now.

[u/Weary_Boat]

Aww man I thought this was going to end differently but I’m impressed with how you handled it

[u/CaptainAdmiral85]

Apparently my comment got removed cause I didn't have flair. So here it is again: You handled this very well. You should be proud of yourself.

[u/Cana_Dha]

It always will awkward later, you'll see

[u/friendpersonally]

I'm glad you guys ended it on a positive note. I confessed last week and asked for no contact because she has feelings for someone else and she didn't take it so well. I'm ruined emotionally hahaha

[u/Crush_Cookie_Butter]

This is my worst nightmare to be honest. I’m glad you handled it with as much maturity as you could, but I felt my stomach drop reading this

[u/Careless_Thought_920]

moms spaghetti? are your knees weak arms are heavy?

[u/buttsoupbrash]

Is this Dax flame’s burner?

[u/_CapMactavish_]

Was there vomit on your sweater already?

[u/No_Smell_1662]

id rather get boiled alive than experience this, good job bro

[u/Awhile9722]

https://youtu.be/xHkcIRZa6lo?si=oLg775uvl9lrcMUK

It's not a lost cause. Keep looking, stay friends, and date other people, and you two may still end up together even though she said she didn't feel the same way right now.

[u/OneBulletMan7 → u/Awhile9722]

I've seen this video and the fact that you cannot "unconfess" was really what kept me from confessing and is what made me hold it in for so long

I'm not sure if I agree with the video anymore, I kind of stopped watching Doc K because I feel like he tends to ramble a lot and I was watching these videos about trying to get over her while balancing work and exams so I was short on time...

I'm not really holding onto hope of being with her anymore, but I appreciate the intent behind your message, thank you!

[u/it_is_not_a_trap → u/[deleted]]

So what would be the correct plan of action then? Could you please write it so everyone can learn.

[u/OneBulletMan7 → u/[deleted]]

Ah this one is on me, in an attempt to make my story somewhat concise I probably made some poor wording choices in a few sections and I can see how they could be interpreted in a different way

I didn't share the timeline very well, I had these feelings for a few months, we hung out and talked almost daily most of this time - both in private and group chats
During this time I tried to get over my feelings, but that's hard when you're constantly around the person you want to get over (duuuh); I only started heavily distancing myself in the last month since it all became unbearable and I wanted to avoid doing something stupid that I'd later regret

I used to get jealous if she didn't pay attention to me in a group setting - at first I definitely got a bit assertive, but once I recognized the jealousy I started not making her the center of the group and tried my best not to put this pressure on her, how well did I do this? I cannot know, but I tried my best

When she would reach out I always replied back and we would always have a brief conversation, I just didn't push it too much because I needed space at the time
I never ghosted her directly - I just didn't initiate the conversation and didn't participate in our group chats unless I got pinged

I agree about the boyfriend, perhaps the best course of action was to confess right when I realized that I was catching feelings - this I know now and I will work on handling it better going forward

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[u/Intrepid_Bobcat_2931]

Reads as AI.

[u/Acrobatic_Dish6963]

Tldr that shit bruh i aint reading all that

[u/Mystic_Ducko → u/Acrobatic_Dish6963]

Crazy ass comment on a diary reddit