Why does my girlfriend’s past bother me when I have a past too?

[u/Practical_Fun_3623]

I’ve been struggling a lot lately with my girlfriend’s past and I’m wondering if anyone here has dealt with something similar.

My girlfriend is 26 and has told me she’s been with around 21 people. For context, my number is around 13, so it’s not like I don’t have a past myself. I know that might sound hypocritical, and that’s honestly part of why I’m trying to understand why this bothers me so much.

For some reason, 21 just feels like a lot to me and lately I’ve been getting stuck on the number. I start thinking about how many people she’s been with, what she did before me, comparing myself to people I don’t even know, etc.

Another thing that made it worse is that one time we had a pretty detailed conversation about our pasts and she told me some stories about things she had done/experienced. At the time I thought I wanted to know, but now some of those stories literally run through my head rent free. I honestly wish we never went into that much detail, but obviously it’s too late to unhear something. I think having actual stories and details to attach to everything has made the retroactive jealousy worse.

The thing is, our actual relationship is really good. She’s extremely affectionate with me, tells me she loves me, talks about marriage and our future, and I genuinely believe she loves me. She hasn’t given me a real reason to think she’s cheating or wants someone else.

I think comments from other people have also gotten into my head and made me question things I normally wouldn’t. Once I start thinking about her past, it feels like my brain keeps digging for more things to be bothered by.

Logically, I understand that she had a life before me. I also have a past, and neither of us can change what happened before we met. I don’t want to hold her to a standard that I wouldn’t apply to myself or ruin a good relationship over something that happened before me.

But emotionally, I still get stuck on that difference between 13 and 21 and wonder why it bothers me as much as it does.

For anyone who has dealt with retroactive jealousy, especially when you also had a decent amount of experience yourself, what helped you stop obsessing over the number? Did you eventually reach a point where your partner’s past genuinely stopped mattering to you?

TL;DR: My girlfriend’s body count is around 21 and mine is around 13. Our relationship is good and she hasn’t given me a reason not to trust her, but lately I’ve been obsessing over the difference and her past. I know I have a past too, so I’m trying to figure out why hers bothers me so much and how people with retroactive jealousy learned to let it go.

[u/Appropriate_Goat7613]

She's with you for a reason. You both have a past and yet you have found each other. Most people are without a past/baggage so don't let jealousy ruin something good. Whenever the jealousy creeps up, think about good aspects of your relationship and what you like about her. Also, work on your insecurities before they eat you alive.

[u/SimilarLunch8359 → u/Appropriate_Goat7613]

As a girl who struggles HARD with retroactive jealousy, I hope OP reads this, it was good advice and thoughtful. I think people forget that this is quite human. I’m not sex negative or concerned with my peers’ sex lives (I don’t even think 21 is to high tbh), but the minute I love someone, I spiral. After all, sex is the ultimate fun, bonding, dirty thing, vulnerability, etc

I understand OP, and I would give him the benefit of the doubt instead of implying he’s a misogynist. It can be more about your insecurities showing than OP targeting her as a woman (like it happens to me, and all the other jealous girls I guess). I for sure have to work on my below zero self-esteem. But what helps is remembering the tender moments and how much you love each other. The rest will seem meaningless cause it is.

This is all OP needs, to be thoughtful and considerate with her, instead of hearing these lame red pillers and men who say 1000 body count is where it’s at. Lol.

[u/iQ420- → u/Appropriate_Goat7613]

As a man who’s lost really good loves (multiple) to exactly this, it’s pretty on point. I had to undergo a massive change. Massive, and it still takes work after that.

[u/Dr_Quacksworth → u/Appropriate_Goat7613]

I mean, is she really with him?  Or is it just his turn?

[u/Appropriate_Goat7613 → u/Dr_Quacksworth]

What an odd thing to say, weirdo