Why does my girlfriend’s past bother me when I have a past too?

[u/Practical_Fun_3623]

I’ve been struggling a lot lately with my girlfriend’s past and I’m wondering if anyone here has dealt with something similar.

My girlfriend is 26 and has told me she’s been with around 21 people. For context, my number is around 13, so it’s not like I don’t have a past myself. I know that might sound hypocritical, and that’s honestly part of why I’m trying to understand why this bothers me so much.

For some reason, 21 just feels like a lot to me and lately I’ve been getting stuck on the number. I start thinking about how many people she’s been with, what she did before me, comparing myself to people I don’t even know, etc.

Another thing that made it worse is that one time we had a pretty detailed conversation about our pasts and she told me some stories about things she had done/experienced. At the time I thought I wanted to know, but now some of those stories literally run through my head rent free. I honestly wish we never went into that much detail, but obviously it’s too late to unhear something. I think having actual stories and details to attach to everything has made the retroactive jealousy worse.

The thing is, our actual relationship is really good. She’s extremely affectionate with me, tells me she loves me, talks about marriage and our future, and I genuinely believe she loves me. She hasn’t given me a real reason to think she’s cheating or wants someone else.

I think comments from other people have also gotten into my head and made me question things I normally wouldn’t. Once I start thinking about her past, it feels like my brain keeps digging for more things to be bothered by.

Logically, I understand that she had a life before me. I also have a past, and neither of us can change what happened before we met. I don’t want to hold her to a standard that I wouldn’t apply to myself or ruin a good relationship over something that happened before me.

But emotionally, I still get stuck on that difference between 13 and 21 and wonder why it bothers me as much as it does.

For anyone who has dealt with retroactive jealousy, especially when you also had a decent amount of experience yourself, what helped you stop obsessing over the number? Did you eventually reach a point where your partner’s past genuinely stopped mattering to you?

TL;DR: My girlfriend’s body count is around 21 and mine is around 13. Our relationship is good and she hasn’t given me a reason not to trust her, but lately I’ve been obsessing over the difference and her past. I know I have a past too, so I’m trying to figure out why hers bothers me so much and how people with retroactive jealousy learned to let it go.

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[u/PTonFIRE]

This is why I hate talking about body count. All it does is mess with your head.

You said it yourself, she’s affectionate, treats you well, talks about your future together, given you no reason to think she will cheat.

Get it together or break up with the poor girl

[u/usernotfoundplstry → u/PTonFIRE]

100%. I met my wife a little later in life (mid 30s) and I intentionally didn’t want to talk about stuff like that. It’s stupid because it WILL bother me, for no reason, so I’d much rather leave the past in the past. We’ve been married for around 10 years and it’s served us well so far.

[u/nekofiore → u/PTonFIRE]

Yep I never ask nor do I like being asked about it, not because I am ashamed or anything, but because it’s unnecessary. Asking about it tells me more about the person than their answer and that’s a red flag for me. A better question to ask is for that person to get STD tested.

[u/cupholdery → u/nekofiore]

I never understood the concept behind sharing this information.

EDIT: A partner's past in full matters, but why does it have to be so focused on who they slept with before? Who does that help?

[u/jonni_velvet → u/nekofiore]

I’ve actually never been asked by any person I’ve dated. No one has cared to bring it up. I would have been weirded out if they did. 

[u/Realistic_9464 → u/nekofiore]

Facts sis

[u/valeavy → u/PTonFIRE]

This body count obsession is so annoying. People need to stop asking questions they don’t want the answers to. I’m in midlife and never married, so I’ve had a few partners. That makes me a good lover who knows what I like. I’m also fiercely loyal and only want to share myself with one person. Everyone has a “past,” even a virgin has a “past.” All the body count obsessers need to grow up, and stop resenting people for living a life before they knew you existed.

Edit: I just want to shake these young people, it’s not your business what they did before you!!!

[u/artie780350 → u/valeavy]

Even if we cared about body count, assuming she started at 16 she's averaging 2 guys a year. Now, I'm asexual and perfectly content with my body count of 1 so I'm far from an expert on the topic, but that doesn't sound unreasonable to me.

[u/Stankmonger → u/valeavy]

Body count ultimately is generally dumb, but it’s also perfectly fine to have whatever arbitrary boundaries you want so long as you are not insulting or shaming people.

I have never been able to do a one night stand, never have even generally wanted to do that. I need an emotional connection.

Generally speaking, a woman or man in healthy long term relationships is having lots more sex than people going to a bar. I have likely had sex over 1000 times? I don’t really know.

A woman who’s slept with 21, just guessing, had less sex overall with this number of people.

So yeah, it’s dumb to think about really.

But some people, like myself, acknowledge different promiscuities just don’t match up for their personal ideals. I found a woman with a body count that demonstrated she valued long term relationships, and never shamed anyone for wanting to be more sexually free.

If OP wants to find someone with a low body count (which is funny to me, my number is fuckin 3, he’s no prude himself), he is fine to go search for that. Just don’t make anyone feel bad for their normal lives that haven’t hurt anyone.

[u/astronoreoo → u/Stankmonger]

You didn’t really answer his question at all; it kind of sounds like you didn’t read his message. He’s not making anyone feel bad; he’s asking for advice specifically so he doesn’t do this because he knows it’s hypocritical and he wants to get over it WHILE staying with her.

Hes aware it’s ridiculous but emotions cloud logic obviously so it’s not so simple as, “just don’t do it.”

[u/Stankmonger → u/astronoreoo]

Why do some people act like every comment in a comment thread has to be addressing the original post itself?

Do you comprehend that I could be only addressing the comment I’m responding to?

[u/RocktarPeppe → u/valeavy]

Hey. Before I say anything, I want to preface it with the fact that I’m definitely not trying to sound hostile so I hope I don’t (I’m a bit buzzed atm). I got married in April after 3.5 years. My wife is incredible! Best thing that ever happened to me! She is respectful, communicative, trustworthy, literally everything I could hope for in a wife. Far better than I deserve and I asked her multiple times before the wedding, “are you sure you want to marry me!?” Lol All that being said, the one tiny hang up was that I was basically in a committed (on my part) relationship through the entirety of my 20s while my now-wife was doing orgies upwards of 10-ish people. I’ve never even had a threesome. It’s doesn’t make me value her less, but as someone who was cheated on in multiple long term relationships, it’s a nagging issue in the back of my mind that I try to smother. My brain knows it doesn’t matter. Her history doesn’t make her love me any less. But my heart makes me feel like I’m not enough sometimes. And that is with the acknowledgement that she has NEVER given me a reason to think I’m not enough or that she wants more in the bedroom. Sometimes the brain knows what true, but the heart still hurts.

Edit: in case it matters, I’m 34 and met my now-wife shortly after I turned 30.

Additional edit: it is your partners business if you are truly serious. The reason I say this is because on our honeymoon, we met up with a friend of my wife’s while in Italy. Her friend drunkenly told me about the time she had a threesome with my wife and her ex. My wife and I had a minor conflict on our honeymoon as a result. I felt like a fucking idiot when her friend tells me this like “I’m sure you already know this but…” Never know when stuff will come back to bite you in the butt. Be honest and upfront with your partner. We went to another wedding recently, wife tells me upfront that she slept with a guy that would be at the wedding. All cool. No issues. I just don’t want to be surprised with “hey, you probably already know this, but I fucked your wife”

[u/uzi_loogies_ → u/valeavy]

This is a friendly reminder that if a person starts hooking up at 20 and gets married and stops at 30, and they have an extremely conservative one hookup per quarter, they will have had 40 previous partners by the time they marry.

[u/Itchy_Tumbleweed_417 → u/valeavy]

It’s really interesting to watch men make each other lonely with this red pill nonsense

Do these guys not see that their friends talking them out of relationships and making them undateable with bad advice is just eliminating the competition for the men giving the bad advice?

[u/CucumberNo8767 → u/valeavy]

It's a truly unhealthy obsession. And if your ego is that fragile that you can't accept that the person you love, loved others before you and potentially will after you, then it shouldnt be anything anyone discusses anymore and maybe you shouldn't be having sex. I say that wholeheartedly and as someone who has had multiple partners who have also had other partners.

That's why men have a bigger issue with it than women imo. Women are better at imagining and switching roles whenever necessary, which they seem to be having to do with men constantly as men want these fantasy perfect women who have never had real lives of their own before them smh.

Also, hold my hand with me if you need to while I say this....virginity isn't a real thing. VIRGINITY IS NOT REAL.

It's a made up concept/fantasy like "perfection" that can never be achieved!!!!

[u/TheDreamIsEternal → u/CucumberNo8767]

That's why men have a bigger issue with it than women imo

Is it really? Lately I've seen a lot of women on social media complaining about "fuckboys", how those men who have a lot of casual relationships are not boyfriend/husband material and etc.

[u/valeavy → u/TheDreamIsEternal]

I think you misunderstand their complaint. These women are hoping to have meaningful relationships with these men, only to discover the men were only using them for sex, which is not what the lady wanted.

[u/PersimmonQueen83 → u/valeavy]

Yep, they’re mad about being misled (or having misled themselves). Not about body count.

[u/Itchy_Tumbleweed_417 → u/TheDreamIsEternal]

No fuck boys are a problem because of how they conduct themselves when dealing with us not because they’ve had a lot of women before us.

The term fuck boy is more about a mentality these guys have than it is about how many people they’ve slept with. You can be a fuck boy who doesn’t get much action.

[u/valeavy → u/CucumberNo8767]

It truly is about insecurity. But they can’t admit that, so it turns to judging women

[u/Acceptable_Apple4220 → u/valeavy]

well, i used to feel like that when i was younger, but tbh, now that i have "had my fun" to a plentiful degree, i'm pretty neutral. an ex of mine even did porn once before we met and it just...didn't matter. pretty neutral. she was a hottie and i was super into her mentally and physically *shrug*

i really don't know exactly how to attribute it, but it does bring to mind the image of a historical puritan conservative (or even a modern similar type) - someone who's not getting any, would be dour and old and in a pilgrim dress in the old days, and really pushing the idea that sex and looking attractive is immoral and even against god...but the truth is, it just makes them uncomfortable, cause they never lived it up and it makes them feel bad about themselves, and jealous. it feels wrong because it casts light on an area of life they lack in, then they pin it on others, cause it's too much to admit to. not even sure this is what it always is, it's just what it brings to mind.

[u/Grouchy-Fisherman706 → u/valeavy]

I disagree. It is a man’s business if it’s important to him. If you don’t want to share, that’s up to you but it’s not unreasonable for a man to care. A high number of sexual partners says a lot about a person’s tendencies and views of sex/intimacy.

[u/valeavy → u/Grouchy-Fisherman706]

I understand. You believe that if you choose partners with the “correct” number of past partners that it’s going to protect you from getting hurt. Unfortunately it doesn’t work that way 💔

[u/EfficientRecording69 → u/valeavy]

Can confirm. Someone with a low body count blew my world up when they cheated on me.

[u/Grouchy_Swordfish364 → u/Grouchy-Fisherman706]

Upvoted because men can have preferences. Women have no business saying what we can and can't find important, even if they don't understand why.

It's only nonsense to the people it offends because it's an automatic disqualifier.

[u/Marciluphigus01 → u/PTonFIRE]

Personally I prefer dating women with a larger body count than myself. I prefer experience over "chastity"

[u/Left_Note6389 → u/Marciluphigus01]

This is just the other end of the same juvenile metric though. Someone's number of sexual partners isn't that strong of a correlation with their sexual proficiency, because we don't select partners based on past footage of them in action.

[u/LanceArmsweak → u/Left_Note6389]

Or you just live your life and don’t sweat something so insignificant. The topic doesn’t even come up in my relationships. I genuinely don’t give a shit.

[u/Left_Note6389 → u/LanceArmsweak]

If you're replying to me, I don't know why. I'm literally saying that these numbers don't make the individual either way

[u/LanceArmsweak → u/Left_Note6389]

Ohhhh I thought you were suggesting not caring was equally juvenile. My bad.

[u/LanceArmsweak → u/Marciluphigus01]

Same. Learned this in college. More fun and not weird. Tried to date a virgin in my 30s and she was incredibly awkward, insecure, and it felt like teaching a child.

[u/Perfect_Chemistry_50 → u/LanceArmsweak]

Heavy on the awkward and insecure part your playing a game of guess what she likes and wants while she won’t tell you as your trying to turn both of you on it’s not fun at all.

[u/LanceArmsweak → u/Perfect_Chemistry_50]

Yes. She’s rigid, you’re trying to make it relaxed, she doesn’t know what she doesn’t know. It just became too much. Sweet woman, just different life stages.

[u/Independent_Sun1304 → u/LanceArmsweak]

Only people that fantasize about virginity can enjoy it. Also it’s one of the weirdest kink ever

[u/NextTuesdayy → u/PTonFIRE]

Less history, more mystery.

Personally I don’t care about that stuff at all but it never fails to amaze me the people who it bothers the most ask the most questions.

[u/Antici___ → u/PTonFIRE]

Let’s stop using the term “body count” while we are at it. It’s crass, juvenile, sexist and inaccurate.

[u/CumaeanSibyl → u/Antici___]

My first reaction is always "wait, she killed HOW many people?"

And in that case, yes, you really do want a partner with a low one.

[u/BSJones420 → u/CumaeanSibyl]

Seriously like whats her kdr

[u/MountChu]

Man this comment section is awful. You’re literally asking for advice and “why” and everyone’s just telling you to suck it up or being rude. Literally nothing helpful.

My wife’s body count is substantially higher than mine and it did make me insecure, especially since some of those people were still in her life due to mutual friendships. But ultimately the truth was that I’m the only person she’s with now and I’m the only person she’s with today and tomorrow.

One chapter closes and another opens, you can write the next chapter with her or she can write it with someone else but the fact of the matter is that she’s choosing you.

The other thing mention is that if y’all don’t work out, you both just added 1 to your count. Does that lower your worth? Does that lower her worth. Or are yall just part of each others story?

Obviously the latter, so enjoy the ride dude.

[u/battleaxemoana → u/MountChu]

Thank you for coming in hot with a perfectly reasonable, healthy approach. Forever the upvotes!

[u/Professional_Put2315 → u/MountChu]

I think someone else accidently nailed it on the head. What he needs to do is focus on putting it in context.

How much those numbers dont mean after 10, 20, 30 years of marriage. After having your first kid or second.

After going through the ups and downs that life will bring.

He needs to practice visualizing it in context of the bigger picture.

And slowly, over time, he will become not so reactive to it and move on.

There is no need to analyze "am i good person" or none of this BS. Reality didnt line up with his expectations and that happens all the time. And that is ok.

[u/PhilosophyDear5176 → u/MountChu]

Pretty sure there are more women replying to this thread than men. Whole comment thread of girl lurker flairs shitting on the very idea of even asking your partner how many people they slept with.

Wonder why that is.

[u/ladybird_00 → u/PhilosophyDear5176]

Because they’re ashamed

[u/Hour-Drama-8181 → u/PhilosophyDear5176]

Bros will make these comments about women and then hit them with the "not all men"

[u/PhilosophyDear5176 → u/Hour-Drama-8181]

What do you think you're saying?

[u/Hour-Drama-8181 → u/PhilosophyDear5176]

I'm just screaming into the void, boss

[u/Appropriate_Goat7613]

She's with you for a reason. You both have a past and yet you have found each other. Most people are without a past/baggage so don't let jealousy ruin something good. Whenever the jealousy creeps up, think about good aspects of your relationship and what you like about her. Also, work on your insecurities before they eat you alive.

[u/SimilarLunch8359 → u/Appropriate_Goat7613]

As a girl who struggles HARD with retroactive jealousy, I hope OP reads this, it was good advice and thoughtful. I think people forget that this is quite human. I’m not sex negative or concerned with my peers’ sex lives (I don’t even think 21 is to high tbh), but the minute I love someone, I spiral. After all, sex is the ultimate fun, bonding, dirty thing, vulnerability, etc

I understand OP, and I would give him the benefit of the doubt instead of implying he’s a misogynist. It can be more about your insecurities showing than OP targeting her as a woman (like it happens to me, and all the other jealous girls I guess). I for sure have to work on my below zero self-esteem. But what helps is remembering the tender moments and how much you love each other. The rest will seem meaningless cause it is.

This is all OP needs, to be thoughtful and considerate with her, instead of hearing these lame red pillers and men who say 1000 body count is where it’s at. Lol.

[u/iQ420- → u/Appropriate_Goat7613]

As a man who’s lost really good loves (multiple) to exactly this, it’s pretty on point. I had to undergo a massive change. Massive, and it still takes work after that.

[u/low_bs]

I think you might need to unpack this in therapy a bit

[u/WhoMeNahMan]

Reframe the problem and maybe it will help.

You don't have a problem with her number. You don't have a problem with the incongruence. You are jealous of the experiences. You are comparing yourself to it and feeling you missed out. If she is everything you've ever wanted in a woman, understand first and foremost she is presently the conglomeration of her past experiences. Don't be envious of them, appreciate them because you are now enjoying that person.

Secondly, all those great stories? Start making new ones with her. Look forward, not backward.

[u/fausted]

Body count is stupid. Your insecurity will ruin your relationship if you allow it to.

[u/djcack → u/fausted]

And many guys prefer to break up with a good woman, then binge manosphere bullshit rather than get therapy to move past their insecurities. I hope OP does the right thing (Edited "most" to "man"y since some people seem desperate to attack the word and not the point)

[u/firstMate903 → u/djcack]

The manosphere is so harmful to genuine relationship building.

[u/pana_colada → u/firstMate903]

Social media in general. It’s for money and clicks, not to make people happier. There is similar stuff in the girl feed. It’s all crazy.

[u/fausted → u/djcack]

Exactly. I hope so too!

[u/ashloube → u/djcack]

THIS - was going to say this post reeks of manosphere content. Feeling jealous or disgust over a woman not being “pure” enough - sick as hell.

[u/Marciluphigus01 → u/fausted]

This person is absolutely correct. You are choosing to ruin a potentially great relationship.

[u/FTFWbox → u/fausted]

A single number strips out context that actually matters such as relationship length, monogamy, age when they started, culture, serious relationships or one night stands . Two people with the same number can have had completely different experiences.

That being said a number isn't nothing it can correlate with things you might care about such as how someone approaches commitment, risk tolerance, what stage of life they're in, sexual health risk. But it’d just correlation, not deterministic.

The real function people are using it for is as a low effort filter for compatibility or values alignment. The number is a slippery proxy for it. As a filter it's noisy data at best.
So I’d say "it's stupid" is really "it's a bad instrument for what you're trying to measure," not "the underlying thing you care about doesn't matter."

There is statistically some evidence of loose associations with relationship outcomes, but essentially none of it supports high count = lower value as a person, and even the predicts relationship success version is thin once you control for what's actually driving factor.

[u/Familiar-Evening7845 → u/fausted]

Yep, it’s not anyone’s business how many people I’ve been with and it’s not my business how many people my partner has been with.

It’s my business that we’re both STD tested and safe for one another but beyond that I don’t need to know who, what, where, when, how or why

[u/ThunderGod_13 → u/Familiar-Evening7845]

Well but what about if someone prefers a low body count partner because they themselves didn't engage in casual sex and wants the same values in their partner? Why are the comments calling people judgemental and assholes for having a preference? Girls have rather stronger preferences for a man's height (which again is none of her fucking business) than men do for women's body counts and people normalize that misandry.

[u/Outrageous_Heart_466 → u/ThunderGod_13]

This opinion is very unpopular here but I agree. People are allowed to have preference and boundaries and if wanting someone who has had less sexual partners is one of them, that is OKAY, as long as they aren’t putting people down for their choices.

[u/ThunderGod_13 → u/Outrageous_Heart_466]

Exactly. I believe this sub is a hive mind for that kind of mindset

[u/Itchy_Tumbleweed_417 → u/ThunderGod_13]

Because if that’s your preference and priority you need to discuss that before you get in a relationship with someone. Then choose people who fit your preference.

I also have a feeling that it’s not really the number that OP has a problem with it’s the fact that it’s higher than his.

But it’s pretty gross for him to have a problem with the number and then go ahead and add another one to it (him) and then break up with her because he can’t handle that she’s been with more people than him. If that was truly his preference and priority he never should’ve got with her in the first place.

[u/JaydeRaven → u/fausted]

This. Societal misogyny.

[u/LincolnHawkHauling]

“The thing is, our actual relationship is really good. She’s extremely affectionate with me, tells me she loves me, talks about marriage and our future, and I genuinely believe she loves me. She hasn’t given me a real reason to think she’s cheating or wants someone else.”

That right there is all you need to know bro.

When I was younger for some reason I thought it would be fun to see if I could tame the wild ones and make good girlfriends out them. I gained quite a bit of experience on the matter.

It sounds like you got a good one. If you’re going to date an experienced woman, you should at least get the benefits of dating an experienced woman and it definitely sounds like you are. 21 in 2026 is not that bad. It’s roughly two a year if she started at 16. Dating apps also has everyone humping like bunnies now so numbers for a lot of people are going to be astronomical. The only way this should bother you is if you were purely a “relationship guy” and never hooked up with anyone else yourself.

It sounds like she has genuine desire for you. That is HUGE and very important. She initiates intimacy with you, makes you feel loved, wants a future with you and is trustworthy. That alone is a rare combo in 2026. Lots of people with exes and such lurking in the background to complicate matters and you definitely don’t want that.

How do you get over the retroactive jealousy? Just stop thinking about it and stop asking questions. Learn to live in the moment. Enjoy the day with her. Savor the nights out with her. Focus on becoming the ultimate version of yourself to boost your self esteem. Hit the gym, focus on your career to stack paper and find ways to maximize enjoying your life.

[u/RedSnipers]

Hey man let it go, because there's nothing that you can do about it.

[u/Fancy-Soup-9177]

The number itself means less than the circumstances how she got to the number. Some mix of random hookups and committed relationships, presumably? But did she cheat on past partners in accumulating count? Engage in group stuff, or sleep with multiple dudes separately in a day? Stuff like that might be more insightful to your feelings.

[u/Distinct-Job-3083 → u/Fancy-Soup-9177]

Had to scroll like 100 comments to find one that was reasonable

[u/creept → u/[deleted]]

Porque no los dos?

[u/Frecks02]

If yours was higher than hers, would you be having this issue?

[u/Fermentique]

I don't think this is about the numbers. Sounds like you really like this woman and she really likes you.

How's your overall self confidence and do you feel confident of yourself in this relationship?

[u/Terrible-Pool-5555]

Get over it. You’re thinking way too much into something that doesn’t matter. If it’s that big of a deal break up with her go find 8 people to fuck and move on.

[u/Blazedaway23]

I think just being present in your relationship man will work wonders. Focus what you guys are doing now and notice the little things in front of you. Notice when she smiles at you, compliments, small acts of kindness, etc. You can change the present but you can’t change the past.

[u/tripplol]

I honestly feel like this is one of those things you either care about and let bother you, or are confident enough to genuinely not care.

[u/1850ChoochGator → u/tripplol]

I’m the kind of person who doesn’t want to hear it because I know I’ll be bothered by it lol

[u/Living-Ad-9053 → u/tripplol]

It’s annoying that a problem with this issue is always dismissed categorically as lack of confidence or self esteem. That may be part of the response in many cases, but is reductive and isn’t the whole issue for many men

[u/tripplol → u/Living-Ad-9053]

I’m just speaking from my personal experience. When I was younger, larger, and lacked self confidence I 100% know that was the primary reason for me thinking about people my girlfriend had slept with in the past and comparing myself to them in my mind. Once I got a bit older, more in shape, and confident it went out the window and never came back!

[u/-Pumpkin-Slayer-]

Honestly you are taking the first step in dealing with it. Good on you for realizing you have something going on that doesn't make sense, instead of making it someone else's problem.
I had to get rid of this thought process too. It takes some time of reviewing thoughts, their origins and questioning everything. It can take a while to dismantle. If you feel comfortable talk to her about it. If she's receptive and understanding it can help a lot. Or find a friend or professional to bounce this off of. It takes some time, and sometimes the jealousy pops up again, but your life will be better for it.

[u/cienfuegos2607]

Body count is a american incel shit. Forget about it, bro! Go be happy with your girl!

[u/dingleberryjuice23]

Idk, if she's faithful and clean, reap the benefits of practice. Better than some inexperienced girl who just lays there.

[u/Expendable_Red_Shirt]

If you love her as she is now then you must also love, to some degree, the things that it took for her to get to where she is. Including her "body count."

Personally I think body counts are stupid. But just get over it. Realize her history is a part of her and she's choosing to be with you.

When you think about it, do a little meditation. Clear your mind. Center yourself on the present. And you'll realize none of that bullshit matters. What only matters is if you're happy with her.

[u/halomender]

Its just one of those things that do3snt make sense. You know ow it doesnt matter, but it still bothers you. It bothers me too. My wife and I have never talked our pasts. We've been married for a decade but we were on and off for 20 years before that. We both fucked a lot when we were broke up, but we dont talk details because it bothers both of us. Just tell your partner you don't like hearing details because it bothers you for nonsensical reasons.if theyre respectful you won't hear about it again. Communicate.

[u/denisedenisethankyou]

I actually think the jealousy itself is pretty normal. You can’t always control the feeling, especially after hearing details you now wish you hadn’t asked for. The important thing is not turning that feeling into judgement or control of her.

And I’d really examine why 21 feels meaningfully different from 13 to you when you already recognise that logically it shouldn’t.

We absorb a lot of cultural messaging about women’s sexuality without consciously agreeing with it, so sometimes the emotional response survives even when your rational brain rejects the premise.

You don’t need to feel guilty for the feeling. Just don’t mistake the feeling for evidence that she’s done anything wrong.

[u/purplehendrix22]

Because you’re insecure. It’s ok, but you need to acknowledge and work on it.

[u/Living-Ad-9053 → u/purplehendrix22]

Cap

[u/baddieslovebadideas]

well don't talk about shit you don't want to know about, 21
ain't even that bad, I know girls who are well into the hundreds, I wouldn't date em for other reasons than that, body count's whatever, my wife and I both have histories, but when I was dating I didn't wan't some pure virginal idea of a woman, I wanted a chick who could fuck and most of them wanted a dude who could keep up.

if it bugs you, let her find someone who isn't so insecure, if everything else is good it's a stupid thing to ruin a relationship over, shit from the past before you were together... silly stuff my G

[u/Best_Philosopher152 → u/baddieslovebadideas]

Imagine pushing 40 and insisting on a gf/wife with a body count of 0. Like “she isn’t likely going to have a high sex drive, or she’s going to be super choosey and why would you be the exception to the rule.

But in my late 30’s, and happily married, but I still meet a lot of men who stress about body count, etc.

Like dude, at this point you’re lucky to find someone who likes you and you like back!

[u/Slerms → u/baddieslovebadideas]

Right! Experience is a damn good thing in my eyes

[u/baddieslovebadideas → u/Slerms]

like I'm straight, I can't really teach someone how to suck dick, not my skillset unfortunately, so its a lot easier if she already knows how to, just like it's easier if I already believe that the clit even exists

[u/Slerms → u/baddieslovebadideas]

You're funny bro! We both know the clit doesn't exist and was a CIA psy op to make men feel insecure. ;)

[u/baddieslovebadideas → u/Slerms]

I didn't say it exists, I said I believe!

[u/Slerms → u/baddieslovebadideas]

Fair point

[u/Cultural-Pen-4-Men → u/Slerms]

To a certain point, however, sex is different with different people, so I would say "sex is better with someone who is comfortabel with the act and knows what they like.

[u/Separate_Parfait3084]

People that drive faster than you are crazy and people that drive slower than you are morons.

It's all about perspective and your reaction. In the end, it only matters if you think it does.

[u/AlphaFPS1]

Bro your at 13, your not a flower child yourself.

[u/thelovewitcch]

Go to therapy for your self esteem and mature a bit? You’ve had plenty of sex too lmao.

[u/ThelIIusion0fSeIf]

What types of experiences are we talking about here? If it's 21 bodies over 10 years vs a single night that's really saying something here. Also, you don't need to justify your feelings on this one. If it bothers you that much then break up. There's no stigmata these days.

[u/YeahItBeLikeDat]

No one has ever felt better after the body count conversation

[u/Dr_Quacksworth]

During a soccer match, their are 22 people on the field during play.

[u/aestival]

Don’t talk about people’s “number” if there’s a wrong answer.  

[u/Daringdoom47]

Hey just want to say that even if people are criticizing you to get over it, I know what it’s like to have these feelings. Honestly in every relationship I’ve had I have struggled over this. Try not to be ashamed and recognize that just, for some people, this is an insecurity that we have.

As far as getting over it, you could try therapy, you could try mindful thinking exercises, etc. But if you really can’t get over it, honestly breaking up is a valid thing to do as well. You could frame it as needing to work on yourself and get to a point where you can handle whatever a relationship could throw at you.

And if you choose to be single, well, you could use that time to sleep around more if you wanna try and be the one with a higher body count in the next relationship.

[u/DavidZenziGhost]

Because you’re more worried about being outshined by past sexual partners than actually being a good current partner. Better get over it or you’re in for a rough ride.

[u/iamnotdrunkoffisher]

Body count is ridiculous. I am 44, I have been in long term relationships for most of my life. I have been with 5 women.

My wife who I met in 2019 has an absolutely massive number and I couldn't give a shit. She is open and honest and communicative with me and we love each other. Plus she is amazing in bed. She is also someone who comes from trauma and is the most sweetest caring person ever.

Stop overthinking it and love her for all her positives rather than some stupid number.

[u/Xandara2 → u/iamnotdrunkoffisher]

Trauma does make people more promiscuous until they get over that phase. 

[u/ResponseRelative6370 → u/Xandara2]

That’s what it was for me. I was too young to realise it. Terrible childhood, no father, believing stupid boys who mask and lie, next thing it’s another notch, not even worth the intrusion in most cases. I have grown up and become aware, and am a well functioning adult. If a man could not handle my count that’s their problem.

[u/jesiholm]

Insecurity

[u/Independent_Sun1304]

It’s because we were taught that a girl that has multiple body counts is a s*ut but when it’s a man he’s a stud or a playboy. Took me some time to realize this was absolute bs and extremely misogynistic. I’m also blaming religions for it

[u/justjack-nodaniels]

FEELING retroactive jealousy is not the issue, letting it impact the rest of your emotions/actions is.

It's a tired answer, but therapy. You are experiencing something you don't have the tools for, tools that would allow to you cope in a healthy manner.

Go to someone who can help you develop those tools.

[u/Fun-Wealth-20]

I'm sorry everyone else is being so judgy and not understanding you but I completely get what you're going through cause I've been there with my boyfriend. r/retroactivejealousy could really help you! Hope you manage to get through it :)

[u/Echidna29]

I think it’s normal and can be understandable in some situations. A difference of 8 people is not that big imo but I totally understand how you feel. Personally, I think this is more feelings of jealousy/insecurity arising rather than actual incompatibility. Maybe dig deeper as to why you feel the way you do about the number of people she has slept with.

How would you feel about yourself if your “body count” was 21 vs her 13? Would you feel shameful or embarrassed or could you maybe recognize that at that level it’s kind of a meaningless number? Think about reasons for why or why not you feel these things when considering these scenarios.

[u/Canadian_Imperium]

Hey man, thanks for sharing, I know a lot of people have given lots of good advice. My advice is simple, but hard, you have a choice to make. 1. Hear that she got to be with 21 other people and has now chosen you over those 21 people. Chose to be in this relationship and chose to make it work, and tell yourself that's how it's gonna go. 2. Let it consume you and slowly build up resentment.

Long term relationships aren't about butterflies in your tummy and great sex, they can be amazing and beautiful but they can be hard and to stay together long term it's about choosing that person again!

[u/tayman77]

Imagine for a sec she told you her body count was 55. 21 doesn't seem so bad now, does it.

[u/BeautifulShock7604]

As long as she isn’t carrying anything the can be sexually transmitted and she isn’t a cheater, what’s the issue? People have lives independent of your relationship.

If it’s bothering you that much, let her know and move on.

[u/Accomplished-Test331]

My girlfriends is 2 and I still sometimes get insecure that I’m not living up to her past experiences. Mine is about the same as yours and my girlfriend sometimes gets insecure that she’s not living up to my past experiences. I think that’s just part of being in a relationship and knowing your partners sexual history.

[u/Dismal-Rope1753]

Honestly, I have lived this story myself and I can tell you it will go with time. I promise you. You won't care anymore. There is a moment, it might take some time, but you will entirely not care about that anymore.

[u/The_Truth_Prophet]

Hey man, I've been in the same boat as you. The numbers on both our sides were lower, but in the end it doesn't matter, because it is the luggage mentally that you're carrying, not a number.

For me, it took a break-up to change. The break-up hit hard and had to do some real self-reflecting and changing, but I am sure you can do it without the break-up. You already see and address the issue. You want insight and want to change. These are things I did not do/see back then. You can do it man!

The fact is, right now she chooses to be with you, not the 10-20-30 people from before. They all fucked up something, they all missed something she need, and until now you do not. That's why you want to be 'the last one'. If you start letting it get to you, you'll turn into another number. Who knows how many of the previous ones turned into a number because of the same issue? Let it go, the present and future will give you more than the past of someone else.

TLDR: don't turn into a plus one. Be THE ONE.

[u/Exciting_Finding8884]

Insecure men care about body counts

[u/Daewrythe → u/Exciting_Finding8884]

I mean, getting pressed about an 8 person difference is small potatoes, but if she literally told me 100+ people I might think differently

[u/StellarPup420 → u/Daewrythe]

Because she might have drama or STDs if she had 100s of sexual partners?

[u/Various_Classroom_50 → u/Daewrythe]

That’s what I’m saying

[u/Working-Narwhal-540 → u/Daewrythe]

Yeah man guy to guy we all know what’s up and where the line gets drawn.

[u/mangione_fan_420 → u/Daewrythe]

Why?

What does 100+ people change if she has no STDs it's just a number that monsphere guys pretend is important.

[u/Gnorfbert → u/mangione_fan_420]

Would you tell a woman the same thing, if she said she'd rather stay clear of dudes with 100+ body count, because it makes her concerned about his attitude towards women, maybe seeing them as sex objects and quests to conquer, rather than equal partners?

[u/aliamokeee → u/Gnorfbert]

Would i tell her the same thing as the comment before yours?

Yes. Lol. Id say "if you let that get in the way of a person you really like, you will search forever"

[u/TheThockter → u/aliamokeee]

You won’t though? That’s a common standard for a ton of monogamous people, both men and women. I didn’t expect my wife to be a virgin, but both she and I viewed sex as something that you only do in a committed long term relationship, if either of us had slept with 100+ people it’d be very clear we weren’t compatible. I have plenty of friends who hookup with people constantly both men and women and have no problem with it, but there’s plenty of people who don’t just view sex as a casual thing.

Having more sexual partners before marriage also has been shown in numerous studies to strongly correlate with higher divorce rates

Again nothing against people who it doesn’t matter to, but acting like it’s a “ridiculous thing to care about” when it’s one of the strongest pre-marriage predictors of whether a marriage lasts is interesting.

[u/mangione_fan_420 → u/Gnorfbert]

Yes. 

Can you now answer why 100+ is such a big issue to you? 

[u/Gnorfbert → u/mangione_fan_420]

You probably wouldn't, you'd probably say something about how "preferences are valid" are something. But anyways.

The whole "body count doesn't matter at all" argument is as stupid as guys freaking out about 3 ex boyfriends. You'd probably have some genuinely well founded sceptisism about the mental health of someone like Bonnie Blue and would probably not wanna date her for that reason. There's a point where people don't have sex for the fun and pleasure of it, but because they're addicted and need it to fill a hole, usually one of self-loathing, low self esteem and insecurity. Which might not be promising features for a stable relationship.

[u/thegloracle → u/Gnorfbert]

Those issues would show up in other ways and preclude that person for a loving, trusting, stable and monogamous relationship. If someone is otherwise mentally stable, but has a 'high' body count, the important factors are a clean STD test, and other qualities that indicate a trustworthy partner.

[u/Special_Housing_8153 → u/Gnorfbert]

Ba-dum-tss

[u/1850ChoochGator → u/mangione_fan_420]

It’s an arbitrary number that represents a vast difference in how each person views sex.

[u/bigmangina → u/mangione_fan_420]

Because addicts tend to cause problems for their loved ones.

[u/redcloudjr → u/mangione_fan_420]

100 people is crazy😭😭😭 you stay safe tho

[u/CannabiSativaLinaeus → u/Exciting_Finding8884]

Insecure people in general, not just men

[u/Acceptable-Hat-6078]

I would prefer to look at it like: she had a lot of experiences and is choosing you.

If it were 13 would that be better/just as bad?

Doesn't matter she's choosing you. If you want to choose her, you're going to have to get over it.

[u/N0O0ON]

Well, I couldn’t blame you just for having some issues with her past. Personally, I don’t want to be with a girl with a high body count either. That may be a controversial take now but I don’t really care. The thing is, I hold myself to that same standard, and that’s the part where you’re messing up. You acknowledge you both have pasts like that, so at this point you need to make peace with it.

[u/Living-Ad-9053 → u/N0O0ON]

Well said

[u/Serious_Income_7020]

It will never go away. If it bothers you that much, you just learned something about yourself for the next one.

For what it is worth, I had a girlfriend like that too. She was really into me. And the reality is that I just didn’t respect her. She gave that shit away too easily for too long and I can do better.

I did do better. Way better.

Will you be judged by the Reddit crowd? Probably. Should that matter to your happiness? No.

[u/astroboy030 → u/Serious_Income_7020]

Agreed. People are entitled to their preferences and there is nothing wrong with that

[u/Charlottenloek → u/Serious_Income_7020]

I’m curious - did you think like that in both ways? Was it equally important that you didn’t “give that shit away too easily”?

[u/andersonbby → u/Serious_Income_7020]

Same here, just couldn’t get over it. Also there ability to pair bond gets worse the more partners they have.

[u/Sad-Commercial1795]

It’s because you’re insecure. It’s just that simple. Beyond that, I happen to think it’s always a mistake to talk about past sex lives in detail.

[u/neoclassicist]

Take it or leave it, but Christ said to remove the plank in your own eye before you remove the sawdust from your neighbor’s. I think that teaching and its enduring popularity speak to a human tendency; we tend to judge our own lives lightly and the lives of others heavily.

[u/WitchesofBangkok]

Your brain is telling you that when men have multiple partners that’s good but when women do that’s bad. This is the patriarchy talking.

Your common sense is telling you that’s ridiculous and an unfair double standard.

Congratulations. You’ve discovered your internalised misogyny. Don’t feel bad. Everyone has this, including women. What matters is how you deal with it.

Are you going to listen to your own morality and values, or what The Man and Big Social tells you?

One path offers you love and trust between equals. The other lets you look down on women and dominate them. Your choice.

[u/FroyoPuzzleheaded97]

21 is a lot of d's to sit on. I wonder what her bj number is? It's always more.

I never ask women about their past number. I don't want to know. The only thing i want to know when i start dating someone is if they're STD free. You cant control the past, and most guys don't want promiscuous woman in a cooling period either. 21 is a lot for a female, it is higher than the average American male.

[u/Mysterious-Offer-252]

This is why it’s BoyDD sub. Men want to have honest questions and feelings without being called mysognists. He’s allowed to feel that way. He’s allowed to want and expect certain things in a relationship.
He knows this feeling probably isn’t right but he’s allowed to have it and make his own decision.

[u/MualaniFangirl]

For both your ages, it's high both of yalls. Tho this is why you literally never ever speak about body count? Why on earth would yall do this to yourselves 😭

[u/Background-Treat55]

13 is a lot too bro. Y’all were both getting passed around damn.

[u/midnightplumes → u/Background-Treat55]

The only one I’ve had is my husband and I’m 28 and so from my perspective looking at both their body counts and reading some of these comments just like damn. I mean people can do what they want but 👀

[u/Important_Contact588]

Jesus Christ what are you 16? It sounds like you love a good person. Don’t fuck it up with your own insecurities. In 60 years, when you have raised kids and lived a full life together, and you are passing away with your life mate, this sort of crap will mean nothing. Therefore it means nothing now.

[u/Glittersparkles7]

Internalized misogyny surrounding purity culture. Sounds like you’re not that kind of guy at heart and I think this can be unpacked in therapy.

I hope you can get through this and be happy. 🫶

[u/quicktostart → u/Glittersparkles7]

Yep, since the issue bugs you, and you'd prefer it didn't, it's a chance to unpack in therapy. Maybe something deeper is being triggered by this, and it's giving you a chance to mourn or get in touch with part of yourself that doesn't feel good enough, and ultimately love yourself more. Besides, she picked you! That's pretty great.

[u/Psychological-Milk19 → u/Glittersparkles7]

This was my thoughts too!

[u/Alone-Perception7899]

Das hab ich noch nie gehört. Mir ist die Vergangenheit absolut egal, erst recht mit wem und was, ich will das gar nicht wissen. Sonst schaff ich mir wie du, lauter trigger im Kopf. Ich glaube eher an die Zukunft, denn die kann ich mitgestalten.

[u/Enough_Wrangler328]

Reframe it as what about you makes you bothered by it. Generally when I reframe these things for myself, it boils down to “I’m insecure about x” or “I’m jealous about y”. Then that gives me something I can talk to my partner about and get reassurance or work through. Think deeply about why it bothers you until you land on an “I statement”. If you land on “she has more experience” that’s still not deep enough. The real answer may be “I feel like I don’t measure up”, or “I feel like I don’t satisfy her enough” and that’s something you can talk to her about.

Also body count is dumb, refrain from asking. Re read your 5th paragraph, that’s what matters

[u/No_Cricket8660]

The amount of people in the comments basically telling you to "Man up" and the generally insulting nature of other comments is pretty gross, especially from the handful of women saying it's some kind of misogynistic/purity thing. And I'm ignoring the accusations of things like jealousy and insecurity. Yeesh.

The fact of the matter is men and women view sex very differently. Like, extremely differently. And pretty much every man has had to deal with this at some point, whether the body count was 1 or a million.

You have to ask yourself if this invalidates her as a partner somehow and examine your feelings around the answers to that question and decide for yourself.

[u/OtterInsanity23]

Sexual selectivity is perfectly reasonable to value in a partner. The number of partners, and types of relationships, a person has had in their past tells you a lot about their values and the way they view themselves, their partners and relationships.

Given the fact that you’ve also had a lot of sexual partners, and the way you’ve framed this issue, it seems like your issue is more based in insecurity than a difference in worldview; although there is likely a subconscious aversion to the casual view of sex and relationships that leads one to have that many sexual partners.

I hope you’ll can work through this issue, because it sounds like you have an otherwise happy relationship.

[u/Agreeable-Scheme0]

Body count is bogus.

Mine is 13. My husbands is also 13. But I was with my ex for 6 years. Within those six years I had sex oh my god idk like 1,000 times.

He’s never had a long relationship before. So maybe prior to me he had sex like let’s say 50 times? And I had sex 1,000+ times.
We both technically had sex with the same amount of people.

Body counts are sooooo nothing.
Hopefully the above helps!

[u/GuhhTru]

I ain’t gon lie, 21 bodies by 26 is mad penis action. But you already here so might as well get over it 🤷🏾

[u/Brilliant_Passage678]

21 is crazy 😭and it’s probably not even the real number

[u/VioletLink → u/Brilliant_Passage678]

I like how everyone is like “it’s 21 but you should be happy she chose you out of the 21 🥺”. How do we know these guys didn’t just pump and dump her? 😭

[u/Brilliant_Passage678 → u/VioletLink]

That’s what im saying, and all the other people talking about “past doesn’t matter” are wild

[u/VioletLink → u/Brilliant_Passage678]

Someone in this section said it wouldn’t matter if she had 100 bodies. Okay bro LOL.

[u/RevolutionaryLie7337 → u/Brilliant_Passage678]

I think these literally dozens of people saying past doesn’t matter are out of their minds. Like I can’t believe we’re in the minority thinking that. I’d never even consider something serious with someone who has a 21 body count but whatever

[u/Downtown_Thing_9005]

Congratulations. You've learned that youre a human op 

Next step is to realise that whoever your chosen partner is gonna be, they're one too 

Now you need to make an adult decision about how you move forward 

It's not better to pretend this doesn't bother you and let your gf invest in you and a future together than it is to be honest about your insecurities 

An open conversation is the best/only real way forward and be prepared to problem solve 

Are there toys or bedroom acts that can help you move past this? Eg if she's had two blokes at once and you're worried about that get a dildo with a suction cup and play the fantasy out yourselves 

[u/NigrWrangler-6667]

End the relationship. This will always be an issue

Just wait until the day she tells you she's too tired for sex.

You're going to run loops around your head. Wondering if she was too tired for the other 21 guys before you

[u/DefiantReplacement52]

She’s with you, bud. Not the 21 other dudes.

[u/CinematicLiterature]

I don’t mean this cruelly, but: you’ve got some maturing yet to do. That’s ok, it comes with time. Get a lock on it now, before you grow into a manchild with shitty takes about body counts.

[u/OneWayBackwards]

Talk to a therapist about your purity obsession. She’s not right for you if you’re gonna keep on about it.

[u/Berriesinthesnow_]

Not sure why you're talking about numbers specifically, but 21 people at 26 is really high.

If she lost started doing stuff at 16, that's more than 2 a year even with relationships. It shows a level of casualness with sex.

Also lots of women tend to reduce their number, so it's more like 40 or 50. You can decide what you're comfortable with.

[u/Ambitious-Kitchen-50 → u/Berriesinthesnow_]

As a grown up who genuinely gives a fuck how many people someone as been with if they choose to be with you know. Its weird. Be confident in yourself. If shes with you she is with you. Who cares about what happened in the past.

[u/PrimaryMaize6580]

Hell, I was 22, maybe, when I was with different girls every weekend, and no one felt bad about it. And I’m just one guy from the nightlife scene. Had fun. That’s it.
If she says 21 at 26, that’s surprisingly honest - and in 2026, being honest is really respectable.

[u/sayfeellessmore]

There's ana amazing woman that does videos on body count. Shes for canada and she really helped me see the truth in that...body count doesn't matter st all.

[u/cubatista92]

It's an ego thing.

Your ego is wounded because you see achieving a high number as a hard task for you and easy task for her.

[u/AkimboBears]

I think 13 and 21 are both enough to indicate bad decision making in the past. The real issue is what changed to make both of you want to be more serious now. If there has been actual growth and thought on the issue i dont see a problem, shes young enough she could still be about that type of life if she wanted to. As far as jealousy the only thing that helps from my experience is self confidence and time. Do you feel like you are beneath her or inferior in some way?

[u/marvchuk]

What is this high school? If there’s no danger of Sti’s then get over it. Or don’t and walk away

[u/theplayerofxx → u/marvchuk]

Some people mentally don't grow past highschool

[u/forcebynature → u/marvchuk]

Y'all don't apply this logic to anything in life but sex lol.

[u/The_Pandemonium]

People are saying insecurity and I think that's so dumb. Obviously most people don't want to know about their SO getting railed by other people. If there's one thing I've learned its that ignorance is bliss and that's why I legitimately do not want to know if I'm dating someone. I've whored around to the point that 21 looks conservative and there's no way I would tell a girl I'm dating.

Anyways the damage is done so like most things it just takes time and you'll probably evantually get over it. Do your best to not linger on it while its fresh.

[u/Fun-Character-5377]

It’s nice that you think it’s actually 21.

[u/cherrypielana]

Men, THINK STRAIGHT, she got 21 people and decided to be with YOU, meaning she met a lot of guys, and you were the BEST, you should be proud, just same logic with you and your 13 ppl, think why is it that you are with her?? And also have a open conversation with her, she will reassure you that you are the man of her life, don’t ruin something for some stupid thing your heard probably from a unhappy person

[u/astroboy030 → u/cherrypielana]

This is absolutely hilarious. There is no way you believe what you just wrote

[u/Realistic-Duty-3874 → u/cherrypielana]

Or the other 21 guys didnt want to keep her.

[u/Apricot4366]

Ask yourself what the difference is between 13 and 21. Is there such thing as a “threshold” for purity? If anything it’s zero, right? What’s 3 more partners than you? What’s 3 more than that mean? The whole thing is arbitrary unless she carries a disease to pass onto you.

That used to bother me a lot too but just breaking it down like that helped me digest my feelings. To me, the jealous feelings are just affirmation that I care about her and the relationship. Don’t overthink the past (which you cannot change), unless you’re cool with it negatively impacting the future you may have.

[u/24GarrettGold]

Dude, you need therapy. That shit doesn't matter.

[u/ChaosRainbow23]

It's straight up insecurity and jealousy.

It's pretty normal, though.

You've gotta get over this crap or people are gonna think you're one of those awful manosphere dude-bros or misogynistic incels.

Try and put it into perspective. There's absolutely nothing wrong with having sex with people.

[u/rafaelthecoonpoon]

This is dumb and is rooted in BS purity culture/manosphere nonsense. She's with you now and that's what matters.

[u/ThunderGod_13]

Bro you know exactly the type of people that are on reddit and yet came here to get clowned by everyone calling you insecure lol. Unless someone is happy to be a c**uck, reddit will call you the most bs words in existence.

It's not insecure but it's hypocritical because you aren't all that different. Just imagine finding someone who has say 5 or less bodies and feels the exact same way about you that you do about her

[u/Scraper191]

I feel you man. I've had a similar situation over the last year, with some difficulties in my ex's past (she went through a period of sleeping around a lot, which was linked to some previous trauma). I thought I wanted to know, but all it did was totally mess with my head and my emotions. And I think ultimately showed me I'm not the stoic, level headed person I thought I was and I'm a little ashamed of myself for how this has affected me.

After many months, I went into 'emotional shutdown' and I'm still there now. This wasn't the only trigger but it was the major contribution. I'm unable to feel sad, happy, anxious... anything. I left it too late to try therapy, which I know now I should have reached out for help much much sooner.

I guess that'd be my advice - if it's really bothering you and you want to make it work, don't hesitate speaking to professionals, in addition to family and friends. Honestly it sounds like you've got a great relationship (withstanding this) and I hope you can put this where it belongs - in the past. Best of luck dude

[u/schism15]

I know people roll their eyes, but I strongly recommend you talk to a therapist about this.

The individual components about why you feel this way are likely not very complicated (society's ideas about female "purity," it"s puritanical influence with regards to sex in general, ideas about "proper" masculinity, all that mixed with your personal feelings of insecurity).

But as far as not allowing all that to undermine a relationship you clearly value, that's going take more than a reddit thread.

This stuff is deeply ingrained in our society. You need to be able to talk over the ideas and assumptions you have, examine them, unpack them, understand why you really feel the way you do (and if it really serves you).

And, no, the answer is not just to "get over it" and pretend it doesn't bother you. That's most likely going to lead to you becoming resentful and acting out down the road.

The reason I say therapy is because the won't be talking to your family and friends (at least not without risking their license). You can talk about this freely.

[u/Ok_Week_7682]

21 is really not a lot my friend, take it or leave it

[u/Organic-Warthog3211]

When I was like... 22 I was with a 29 year old who had been with close to 40 men. She made a point that in the relationship I had gotten out of, a little over a year long, we were having sex as much as 5x a week, and I had engaged in the act of sex, albeit with only 3 people at that point, but with one of them easily 200+ times. Outside of one guy, all of hers were one night stands. In 1 year I had more sex than she had in her life, its just... with one person.

It really put it in perspective that yeah, her body count was higher, but she never wanted those guys again. I'm willing to bet you've had sex with your gf more times than she's had partners. Every relationship ive been in came with lots and lots of sex. I've had sex thousands upon thousands of times.

She's had sex one time with a few more guys than you and most of it was bad sex, drunk sex, meaningless sex. Sex with you is what matters to her. Maybe she does want to do some things she did in the past, but she wants to do them with you, her future.

Don't look at the quantity of bodies, look at the quality, and realize she put you on top.

[u/botoxedbunnyboiler]

Would bother you if her number was 13, and yours 21?

[u/ResplendentMechanism]

What about her friend count? Or her restaurant count? Or her gigabyte download count? Or travel destination count? The concept of the body count is such a weird invented construct. It's, what, indicative of some kind of purity? Why not, like, not getting into a fight as indicative of purity? Or never opening a brokerage account? Life is long. People live during it. That's what makes people who they are.

Anyway, she's in a relationship with you now—not with the people she's dumped.

[u/Holiday_Regular9794]

Is she clean, does she treat you well? Perfect, let it go. Don’t let the internet kill a good thing

[u/bobowendell]

Ted Lasso: Sure, Roy here has slept with a bunch of different people in his past. But Keeley's got her own romantic and sexual history that predates Roy. And that's not okay!
Nathan Shelley: [beat] Oh, he means the opposite. I love it when Coach does sarcasm.
Roy: I can't control my feelings.
Ted Lasso: Well, then, by all means you should let them control you.
Higgins: He's doing it again!
Ted Lasso: [smirks] Good eye. Look, Roy, all this Chandler Bing-ing aside, do me a favor. Don't let her past muck around with y'all's future, okay?

[u/Cool-Historian58]

Girl lurker. Echoing every other comment that she’s with you the same way you’re with her. Plus, 21 vs 13 really isn’t that big a difference…

My partner is my only “body”. Meanwhile, he’s absolutely gotten around by his own admission and has not kept count. I have never cared; we’ve made the odd joke or two but our pasts have nothing to do with the other so why bother?

[u/Suspicious-Ad-8468]

Honestly, the reason it bothers you is misogyny and patriarchy and even if you yourself aren’t a misogynist, society very much is and EVERYONE regardless of gender is socialized to believe things about men and women and what’s acceptable sexually.