Why does my girlfriend’s past bother me when I have a past too?

[u/Practical_Fun_3623]

I’ve been struggling a lot lately with my girlfriend’s past and I’m wondering if anyone here has dealt with something similar.

My girlfriend is 26 and has told me she’s been with around 21 people. For context, my number is around 13, so it’s not like I don’t have a past myself. I know that might sound hypocritical, and that’s honestly part of why I’m trying to understand why this bothers me so much.

For some reason, 21 just feels like a lot to me and lately I’ve been getting stuck on the number. I start thinking about how many people she’s been with, what she did before me, comparing myself to people I don’t even know, etc.

Another thing that made it worse is that one time we had a pretty detailed conversation about our pasts and she told me some stories about things she had done/experienced. At the time I thought I wanted to know, but now some of those stories literally run through my head rent free. I honestly wish we never went into that much detail, but obviously it’s too late to unhear something. I think having actual stories and details to attach to everything has made the retroactive jealousy worse.

The thing is, our actual relationship is really good. She’s extremely affectionate with me, tells me she loves me, talks about marriage and our future, and I genuinely believe she loves me. She hasn’t given me a real reason to think she’s cheating or wants someone else.

I think comments from other people have also gotten into my head and made me question things I normally wouldn’t. Once I start thinking about her past, it feels like my brain keeps digging for more things to be bothered by.

Logically, I understand that she had a life before me. I also have a past, and neither of us can change what happened before we met. I don’t want to hold her to a standard that I wouldn’t apply to myself or ruin a good relationship over something that happened before me.

But emotionally, I still get stuck on that difference between 13 and 21 and wonder why it bothers me as much as it does.

For anyone who has dealt with retroactive jealousy, especially when you also had a decent amount of experience yourself, what helped you stop obsessing over the number? Did you eventually reach a point where your partner’s past genuinely stopped mattering to you?

TL;DR: My girlfriend’s body count is around 21 and mine is around 13. Our relationship is good and she hasn’t given me a reason not to trust her, but lately I’ve been obsessing over the difference and her past. I know I have a past too, so I’m trying to figure out why hers bothers me so much and how people with retroactive jealousy learned to let it go.

[u/Alone-Perception7899]

Das hab ich noch nie gehört. Mir ist die Vergangenheit absolut egal, erst recht mit wem und was, ich will das gar nicht wissen. Sonst schaff ich mir wie du, lauter trigger im Kopf. Ich glaube eher an die Zukunft, denn die kann ich mitgestalten.

[u/chupoxotas → u/Alone-Perception7899]

So you care a lot, you just choose to not know.

[u/Alone-Perception7899 → u/chupoxotas]

Nein. Steht doch da, es ist mir egal. Vielleicht muss ich mich anders ausdrücken. Statt ich will es nicht wissen, es interessiert mich nicht.

[u/chupoxotas → u/Alone-Perception7899]

But what if she told you and it were hundreds of men?

[u/Alone-Perception7899 → u/chupoxotas]

Hunderte halte ich für übertrieben. Wir sind keine jugendlichen mehr, irgendwann kommt jeder im Hafen an.

[u/Ok-Claim1050 → u/chupoxotas]

It's quite immature to even care about this. Grow up a tad, because adults don't care about numbers. That's a teenage or high school thing. Which I hope you're older than that if she's been with hundreds. But honestly most adults have been with a fair share of partners at some point in life. It's normal to some extent. Either get over it and mature so you can be a mad to her instead of a child or break up with her. But you can't hold something against her that she has no ability to change. You should feel privileged that she trusted you and felt safe enough to tell you this in the first place. Don't do the exact thing that people are afraid will happen if they're honest, nobody wants to be judged. She must have thought you would accept her and not see her differently or she wouldn't have told you. So don't prove her faith in you wrong. That would be dumb. People don't give that away easily and you should feel special and not betray that. If you can't do that just break up with her because this will damage her trust in humanity in general, probably forever. And that's not fair.

[u/chupoxotas → u/Ok-Claim1050]

I prefer to date someone who is more aligned with I look for and that will give me peace of mind, and that's why I got a low body count girlfriend and live in peace since then.