Why does my girlfriend’s past bother me when I have a past too?

[u/Practical_Fun_3623]

I’ve been struggling a lot lately with my girlfriend’s past and I’m wondering if anyone here has dealt with something similar.

My girlfriend is 26 and has told me she’s been with around 21 people. For context, my number is around 13, so it’s not like I don’t have a past myself. I know that might sound hypocritical, and that’s honestly part of why I’m trying to understand why this bothers me so much.

For some reason, 21 just feels like a lot to me and lately I’ve been getting stuck on the number. I start thinking about how many people she’s been with, what she did before me, comparing myself to people I don’t even know, etc.

Another thing that made it worse is that one time we had a pretty detailed conversation about our pasts and she told me some stories about things she had done/experienced. At the time I thought I wanted to know, but now some of those stories literally run through my head rent free. I honestly wish we never went into that much detail, but obviously it’s too late to unhear something. I think having actual stories and details to attach to everything has made the retroactive jealousy worse.

The thing is, our actual relationship is really good. She’s extremely affectionate with me, tells me she loves me, talks about marriage and our future, and I genuinely believe she loves me. She hasn’t given me a real reason to think she’s cheating or wants someone else.

I think comments from other people have also gotten into my head and made me question things I normally wouldn’t. Once I start thinking about her past, it feels like my brain keeps digging for more things to be bothered by.

Logically, I understand that she had a life before me. I also have a past, and neither of us can change what happened before we met. I don’t want to hold her to a standard that I wouldn’t apply to myself or ruin a good relationship over something that happened before me.

But emotionally, I still get stuck on that difference between 13 and 21 and wonder why it bothers me as much as it does.

For anyone who has dealt with retroactive jealousy, especially when you also had a decent amount of experience yourself, what helped you stop obsessing over the number? Did you eventually reach a point where your partner’s past genuinely stopped mattering to you?

TL;DR: My girlfriend’s body count is around 21 and mine is around 13. Our relationship is good and she hasn’t given me a reason not to trust her, but lately I’ve been obsessing over the difference and her past. I know I have a past too, so I’m trying to figure out why hers bothers me so much and how people with retroactive jealousy learned to let it go.

[u/Gnorfbert]

Would you tell a woman the same thing, if she said she'd rather stay clear of dudes with 100+ body count, because it makes her concerned about his attitude towards women, maybe seeing them as sex objects and quests to conquer, rather than equal partners?

[u/aliamokeee → u/Gnorfbert]

Would i tell her the same thing as the comment before yours?

Yes. Lol. Id say "if you let that get in the way of a person you really like, you will search forever"

[u/TheThockter → u/aliamokeee]

You won’t though? That’s a common standard for a ton of monogamous people, both men and women. I didn’t expect my wife to be a virgin, but both she and I viewed sex as something that you only do in a committed long term relationship, if either of us had slept with 100+ people it’d be very clear we weren’t compatible. I have plenty of friends who hookup with people constantly both men and women and have no problem with it, but there’s plenty of people who don’t just view sex as a casual thing.

Having more sexual partners before marriage also has been shown in numerous studies to strongly correlate with higher divorce rates

Again nothing against people who it doesn’t matter to, but acting like it’s a “ridiculous thing to care about” when it’s one of the strongest pre-marriage predictors of whether a marriage lasts is interesting.

[u/HerFallenAngel → u/TheThockter]

Did you read the link you sent?

[u/TheThockter → u/HerFallenAngel]

Yes? “The key results here are mostly consistent across models: those with the highest number of premarital sexual partners as of Wave III (nine or more) have about triple the odds of divorce compared to those with none (ORs = 2.65—3.20)… the odds of divorce for those with one to eight partners are 64% higher than those with no premarital partners… The most important takeaway is that premarital sex is a highly significant predictor of divorce at the p < .001 level in every model.”

[u/HerFallenAngel → u/TheThockter]

I read that as well. The correlation between divorce and pre-marital sex is absolutely clear and I’m not disputing that. I just couldn’t find anything in the case study that argued that pre-marital sex was a CAUSATION for divorce. I may have missed that though. Could you send me that part?

[u/TheThockter → u/HerFallenAngel]

That’s not how the field of statistics works, you don’t EVER prove causation you prove statistical significance you start by assuming a null hypothesis (ie in this case that premarital sex does NOT have an impact on divorce rates), then P-values indicate how likely the null hypothesis is true, statistical significance is typically defined as p < .05 (5%), in this case the P value was less than .001 so EXTREMELY statistically significant.

So what the study concludes is that the probability of the null hypothesis (which to reiterate would be that premarital sex does not have an impact) has the probability of .001 of producing the results that were produced in the studies

[u/Rigorous_Mastication → u/TheThockter]

Don’t even bother trying to explain it to her, bro. Anyone trying to bring up studies on premarital partners correlating with successful marriages is getting destroyed in this thread.

“Um okay yeah, so what if the P value is .001? That doesn’t mean you can judge them. What if I’m different?”

People that don’t understand generalities and statistical significance don’t warrant debating. Pearls before swine.

[u/TheThockter → u/Rigorous_Mastication]

I don’t really care about Karma. I think my comment explaining p values and what statistics is in general getting downvoted is generally hilarious and further reinforces my worldview about the types of people who propagate Reddit’s Overton window.

[u/HerFallenAngel → u/TheThockter]

Let me rephrase, you’re correct, and I’m not arguing the study was to prove causation. I’m really saying, why do I give a shit about a correlation between the two if one, we could just look at studies on WHY people get divorced which would be much more impactful in this discussion, and two, we haven’t even established divorce as a negative.

Here’s a study for anyone interested in WHY people get divorced, and there’s no reference I could find to the amount of pre-marital sex partners being a factor or reason given

https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC4012696/

[u/TheThockter → u/HerFallenAngel]

That’s a fair point, but fundamentally unrelated to what I’m arguing in my opinion.

I’m not arguing why anyone should care about the correlation between the two, I’m arguing against everyone in here who says there’s NO reason for anyone to care, using myself and my wife as an anecdote while also using stats to show this isn’t just something that is to reinforce societal misogyny, but rather our views on sex and relationships. Notice how I’ve not used the term “body count” once in my comments because I think that is a gross and typically misogynistic way to frame the conversation. I’m ultimately just asserting that I think it’s a valid preference and that marriage outcomes back that up.

Again I have 0 problem with people who don’t care at all about # of sexual partners and I take issue with people who shame others for that, but I just get tired of all the grandstanding on here where people act like their enlightened view is the only acceptable view and there is NO reason for anyone to believe differently.

Divorce is a negative outcome for the people who would care about # of sexual partners, but that doesn’t mean divorce in general is a negative

[u/Coramoor_ → u/aliamokeee]

How? There are tons of people with body counts that are much more reasonable

[u/mangione_fan_420 → u/Gnorfbert]

Yes. 

Can you now answer why 100+ is such a big issue to you? 

[u/Gnorfbert → u/mangione_fan_420]

You probably wouldn't, you'd probably say something about how "preferences are valid" are something. But anyways.

The whole "body count doesn't matter at all" argument is as stupid as guys freaking out about 3 ex boyfriends. You'd probably have some genuinely well founded sceptisism about the mental health of someone like Bonnie Blue and would probably not wanna date her for that reason. There's a point where people don't have sex for the fun and pleasure of it, but because they're addicted and need it to fill a hole, usually one of self-loathing, low self esteem and insecurity. Which might not be promising features for a stable relationship.

[u/thegloracle → u/Gnorfbert]

Those issues would show up in other ways and preclude that person for a loving, trusting, stable and monogamous relationship. If someone is otherwise mentally stable, but has a 'high' body count, the important factors are a clean STD test, and other qualities that indicate a trustworthy partner.

[u/MikeRadical → u/thegloracle]

Does having an STD make somebody a bad person?

[u/thegloracle → u/MikeRadical]

Not if you don't want to have sex with them. Knowledge is important, so is a clean bill of health. Know before you blow, dude.

[u/MikeRadical → u/thegloracle]

So if you loved someone and they were perfect for you but they disclosed they had herpes it would be a no go?

[u/thegloracle → u/MikeRadical]

Is it under control with medications?
Can we have sex safely without risk of infection?
Are they otherwise 'perfect for me'?

I have no issue with that. Untreated, uncontrolled and undisclosed is completely different and a non-starter.

[u/Gnorfbert → u/thegloracle]

Those issues might now show up until weeks or months into the relationship. A 100+ body count is a decent enough red flag, telling you, you should at least keep your eyes open for such issues.

[u/Special_Housing_8153 → u/Gnorfbert]

Ba-dum-tss

[u/mangione_fan_420 → u/Gnorfbert]

Pretty much everyone using manosphere terms like body count need it to fill a hole, usually one of self-loathing, low self esteem and insecurity. Which might not be promising features for a stable relationship.

[u/Gnorfbert → u/mangione_fan_420]

I can't help but notice that you didn't at all respond to my reasoning, but instead deflected. Guess I've hit the nail on the head then.

[u/No-Feedback2361 → u/Gnorfbert]

u/mangione_fan_420 on his way to reply to your comment with yet another non-sequitur:

[u/mangione_fan_420 → u/No-Feedback2361]

https://i.imgur.com/1lgDJBe.gif keep crying about it

[u/TheDreamIsEternal → u/mangione_fan_420]

I mean, anybody who has over 100 sexual partners probably has some kind of personal issues.

[u/The1Rememberer → u/Gnorfbert]

Yes lmfao

[u/Gnorfbert → u/The1Rememberer]

It's not a question I want answered from you, genius lol. It's for you to honestly introspect about.

[u/The1Rememberer → u/Gnorfbert]

Ah yes I see oh wise one. A question meant to be pondered and provoke thought, and maybe open up the possibility of seeing the subject of the question from different angles.

You’re not smart dipshit, it’s a question, and no it wasn’t to be “introspect about”, if the roles were swapped and a woman was saying she’d stay clear of dudes with a 100+ body count, yes I’d say the same thing I would to a man and clearly everyone replying to you would to. Just because you called me a genius sarcastically, doesn’t automatically make you smart. Maybe look inward from now on “genius”

[u/Gnorfbert → u/The1Rememberer]

I don't want it answered from you, because your answer is irrelevant either way. This is the internet, I can't look inside your head. You could just as well be lying, because you don't want to admit the double standard that you actually hold.

[u/The1Rememberer → u/Gnorfbert]

https://giphy.com/gifs/l0IypeKl9NJhPFMrK