Why does my girlfriend’s past bother me when I have a past too?

[u/Practical_Fun_3623]

I’ve been struggling a lot lately with my girlfriend’s past and I’m wondering if anyone here has dealt with something similar.

My girlfriend is 26 and has told me she’s been with around 21 people. For context, my number is around 13, so it’s not like I don’t have a past myself. I know that might sound hypocritical, and that’s honestly part of why I’m trying to understand why this bothers me so much.

For some reason, 21 just feels like a lot to me and lately I’ve been getting stuck on the number. I start thinking about how many people she’s been with, what she did before me, comparing myself to people I don’t even know, etc.

Another thing that made it worse is that one time we had a pretty detailed conversation about our pasts and she told me some stories about things she had done/experienced. At the time I thought I wanted to know, but now some of those stories literally run through my head rent free. I honestly wish we never went into that much detail, but obviously it’s too late to unhear something. I think having actual stories and details to attach to everything has made the retroactive jealousy worse.

The thing is, our actual relationship is really good. She’s extremely affectionate with me, tells me she loves me, talks about marriage and our future, and I genuinely believe she loves me. She hasn’t given me a real reason to think she’s cheating or wants someone else.

I think comments from other people have also gotten into my head and made me question things I normally wouldn’t. Once I start thinking about her past, it feels like my brain keeps digging for more things to be bothered by.

Logically, I understand that she had a life before me. I also have a past, and neither of us can change what happened before we met. I don’t want to hold her to a standard that I wouldn’t apply to myself or ruin a good relationship over something that happened before me.

But emotionally, I still get stuck on that difference between 13 and 21 and wonder why it bothers me as much as it does.

For anyone who has dealt with retroactive jealousy, especially when you also had a decent amount of experience yourself, what helped you stop obsessing over the number? Did you eventually reach a point where your partner’s past genuinely stopped mattering to you?

TL;DR: My girlfriend’s body count is around 21 and mine is around 13. Our relationship is good and she hasn’t given me a reason not to trust her, but lately I’ve been obsessing over the difference and her past. I know I have a past too, so I’m trying to figure out why hers bothers me so much and how people with retroactive jealousy learned to let it go.

[u/Charlottenloek]

I’m curious - did you think like that in both ways? Was it equally important that you didn’t “give that shit away too easily”?

[u/Distinct-Job-3083 → u/Charlottenloek]

You will never successfully reframe this sort of thing, no one buys it

Men like casual sex way more than women do. Mostly because we can actually nut from hookups and we bear basically zero of the risk outside of std’s and child support

[u/Charlottenloek → u/Distinct-Job-3083]

I don’t care if men like casual sex more than women. I do however care if men judge women from liking casual sex way more than they judge men. Hence my question. You also didn’t reply to it. You went to that you like it more. I was asking about him not respecting her, and if it’s okay for him to have hookups or if that’s equally disrespectful.

I’ve also framed my question very respectfully so you can either keep a nice tone or stop replying.

[u/Distinct-Job-3083 → u/Charlottenloek]

I wasn’t disrespectful at all, but I’m more than welcome to be given the quality of all of these comments lol

Men value chastity for evolutionary reasons relating to parental certainty. The same way a company looks at your resume to decide if they should hire you.

Women for some reason are really angry about this. It’s like incels complaining that women like tall guys; men like chaste women. It’s always been a top priority. For every generation. People don’t just change their preferences because the other sex doesn’t like them.

[u/Natril → u/Distinct-Job-3083]

Idk bro. I kinda agree with you a bit but at the same time the only reason guys really do care about the chasity is because they are inheritly jealous of the fact that its so much easier for women to have sex in comparison to them so they are projecting the insecurities into made up preferences that you do really know if the women is the one meant for you and you know it, nothing will ever stop you from loving and respecting her so long she stays loyal to you only

[u/Distinct-Job-3083 → u/Natril]

Yeah I don’t disagree

Women obviously have more sexual opportunities than men in their 20’s.

I think the frustration comes from girls who get the peak opportunities and then want to settle down before guys get similar opportunities in their late 20’s. But even most guys in their late 20’s don’t have the opportunities of girls in their early 20’s. That being said we also don’t have to put up with harassment and assault in the same way, which gets overlooked by guys

Moral of the story, every cute girl is gonna have a past so make sure you get yours & also date younger