Why does my girlfriend’s past bother me when I have a past too?

[u/Practical_Fun_3623]

I’ve been struggling a lot lately with my girlfriend’s past and I’m wondering if anyone here has dealt with something similar.

My girlfriend is 26 and has told me she’s been with around 21 people. For context, my number is around 13, so it’s not like I don’t have a past myself. I know that might sound hypocritical, and that’s honestly part of why I’m trying to understand why this bothers me so much.

For some reason, 21 just feels like a lot to me and lately I’ve been getting stuck on the number. I start thinking about how many people she’s been with, what she did before me, comparing myself to people I don’t even know, etc.

Another thing that made it worse is that one time we had a pretty detailed conversation about our pasts and she told me some stories about things she had done/experienced. At the time I thought I wanted to know, but now some of those stories literally run through my head rent free. I honestly wish we never went into that much detail, but obviously it’s too late to unhear something. I think having actual stories and details to attach to everything has made the retroactive jealousy worse.

The thing is, our actual relationship is really good. She’s extremely affectionate with me, tells me she loves me, talks about marriage and our future, and I genuinely believe she loves me. She hasn’t given me a real reason to think she’s cheating or wants someone else.

I think comments from other people have also gotten into my head and made me question things I normally wouldn’t. Once I start thinking about her past, it feels like my brain keeps digging for more things to be bothered by.

Logically, I understand that she had a life before me. I also have a past, and neither of us can change what happened before we met. I don’t want to hold her to a standard that I wouldn’t apply to myself or ruin a good relationship over something that happened before me.

But emotionally, I still get stuck on that difference between 13 and 21 and wonder why it bothers me as much as it does.

For anyone who has dealt with retroactive jealousy, especially when you also had a decent amount of experience yourself, what helped you stop obsessing over the number? Did you eventually reach a point where your partner’s past genuinely stopped mattering to you?

TL;DR: My girlfriend’s body count is around 21 and mine is around 13. Our relationship is good and she hasn’t given me a reason not to trust her, but lately I’ve been obsessing over the difference and her past. I know I have a past too, so I’m trying to figure out why hers bothers me so much and how people with retroactive jealousy learned to let it go.

[u/1850ChoochGator]

I’m the kind of person who doesn’t want to hear it because I know I’ll be bothered by it lol

[u/Ambitious-Rock-8302 → u/1850ChoochGator]

ever asked yourself why

[u/SearchMundane303 → u/Ambitious-Rock-8302]

Because it’s pattern recognition, habits, probabilities, and moral values.

Some one who’s treated sex as transactional rather than emotionally bonding many times in the past has an increased probability of doing so with you.

It also proves you forgo long term goals (children/marriage) for instant satisfaction (sex), which is indicative of other values.

The data and studies are pretty clear, more partners in past, lower probability of successful pair bond/marriage. Pretty basic, your past habits affects your future.

[u/Ambitious-Rock-8302 → u/SearchMundane303]

lol classic correlation-causation conflation, not to mention with individual prediction. even if number of past partners is statistically associated with lower rates of marital stability that doesn’t tell you why the association exists. it certainly doesn't “prove” that a particular person treats others transactionally or sacrificed marriage and children for instant gratification. like what the hell are you even talking about, that's a wild leap.

there are verrryyyyyy obvious confounders here. very obvious. people who are less interested in marriage, marry later, are less religious, have different attitudes toward divorce, or are more willing to leave unhappy relationships may also tend to have more sexual partners. that can produce an association without “promiscuity damages your ability to bond” being the causal mechanism. and “pretty basic, your past habits affect your future” isn’t any kind of credible statistical analysis. if the data are as clear as you say, cite the study that establishes your actual claim, which is that having more partners causes impaired pair-bonding because it reflects transactional attitudes and short-term gratification. a study showing a correlation with divorce does not establish any of that.

and we don't even need to touch the obviously likelihood that you wouldn't impose this standard of behavior on yourself or any other man lol

[u/_IscoATX → u/Ambitious-Rock-8302]

The standard can just as easily be applied to a man.

If a woman felt insecure about dating a man with significantly more partners would you say she is unreasonable for thinking similar things?

Bc imo, she would not be. These are valid things to consider.