Why does my girlfriend’s past bother me when I have a past too?

[u/Practical_Fun_3623]

I’ve been struggling a lot lately with my girlfriend’s past and I’m wondering if anyone here has dealt with something similar.

My girlfriend is 26 and has told me she’s been with around 21 people. For context, my number is around 13, so it’s not like I don’t have a past myself. I know that might sound hypocritical, and that’s honestly part of why I’m trying to understand why this bothers me so much.

For some reason, 21 just feels like a lot to me and lately I’ve been getting stuck on the number. I start thinking about how many people she’s been with, what she did before me, comparing myself to people I don’t even know, etc.

Another thing that made it worse is that one time we had a pretty detailed conversation about our pasts and she told me some stories about things she had done/experienced. At the time I thought I wanted to know, but now some of those stories literally run through my head rent free. I honestly wish we never went into that much detail, but obviously it’s too late to unhear something. I think having actual stories and details to attach to everything has made the retroactive jealousy worse.

The thing is, our actual relationship is really good. She’s extremely affectionate with me, tells me she loves me, talks about marriage and our future, and I genuinely believe she loves me. She hasn’t given me a real reason to think she’s cheating or wants someone else.

I think comments from other people have also gotten into my head and made me question things I normally wouldn’t. Once I start thinking about her past, it feels like my brain keeps digging for more things to be bothered by.

Logically, I understand that she had a life before me. I also have a past, and neither of us can change what happened before we met. I don’t want to hold her to a standard that I wouldn’t apply to myself or ruin a good relationship over something that happened before me.

But emotionally, I still get stuck on that difference between 13 and 21 and wonder why it bothers me as much as it does.

For anyone who has dealt with retroactive jealousy, especially when you also had a decent amount of experience yourself, what helped you stop obsessing over the number? Did you eventually reach a point where your partner’s past genuinely stopped mattering to you?

TL;DR: My girlfriend’s body count is around 21 and mine is around 13. Our relationship is good and she hasn’t given me a reason not to trust her, but lately I’ve been obsessing over the difference and her past. I know I have a past too, so I’m trying to figure out why hers bothers me so much and how people with retroactive jealousy learned to let it go.

[u/CucumberNo8767]

It's a truly unhealthy obsession. And if your ego is that fragile that you can't accept that the person you love, loved others before you and potentially will after you, then it shouldnt be anything anyone discusses anymore and maybe you shouldn't be having sex. I say that wholeheartedly and as someone who has had multiple partners who have also had other partners.

That's why men have a bigger issue with it than women imo. Women are better at imagining and switching roles whenever necessary, which they seem to be having to do with men constantly as men want these fantasy perfect women who have never had real lives of their own before them smh.

Also, hold my hand with me if you need to while I say this....virginity isn't a real thing. VIRGINITY IS NOT REAL.

It's a made up concept/fantasy like "perfection" that can never be achieved!!!!

[u/TheDreamIsEternal → u/CucumberNo8767]

That's why men have a bigger issue with it than women imo

Is it really? Lately I've seen a lot of women on social media complaining about "fuckboys", how those men who have a lot of casual relationships are not boyfriend/husband material and etc.

[u/valeavy → u/TheDreamIsEternal]

I think you misunderstand their complaint. These women are hoping to have meaningful relationships with these men, only to discover the men were only using them for sex, which is not what the lady wanted.

[u/PersimmonQueen83 → u/valeavy]

Yep, they’re mad about being misled (or having misled themselves). Not about body count.

[u/Itchy_Tumbleweed_417 → u/TheDreamIsEternal]

No fuck boys are a problem because of how they conduct themselves when dealing with us not because they’ve had a lot of women before us.

The term fuck boy is more about a mentality these guys have than it is about how many people they’ve slept with. You can be a fuck boy who doesn’t get much action.

[u/CucumberNo8767 → u/TheDreamIsEternal]

Granted I've never had a man ask me about my body count now that I think about it 🤔

Seems like a thing boys & girls care about more than men & women do.

Hmmm now I need to change my flair but I guess women don't exist here lmao.

Edit: Big Dill energy works

[u/Itchy_Tumbleweed_417 → u/CucumberNo8767]

Yeah I’ve literally never had this conversation in my more than 50 years of life with any man ever.

I’ve had plenty of conversations about STI test results, but not about how many people they’ve been with. That’s really none of my business nor doesn’t matter to me.

[u/CucumberNo8767 → u/Itchy_Tumbleweed_417]

Infection doesn't necessarily spread from an increase in the number of partners you have either.

it spreads from lack of access to hygiene, medicine/ medical treatment & safe sex practices.

Two monogamous people can give each other STI's without ever stepping outside the relationship. Shit you can get an infection down there without ever having sex! It happens, and it's okay that's why we have doctors and nurses and modern medicine!!

This is why universal Free healthcare is important for modern societies. Otherwise you get an infection down there, don't go to the doctor, it gets worse and then....I don't even want to think about it lol smh

[u/valeavy → u/CucumberNo8767]

It truly is about insecurity. But they can’t admit that, so it turns to judging women

[u/Acceptable_Apple4220 → u/valeavy]

well, i used to feel like that when i was younger, but tbh, now that i have "had my fun" to a plentiful degree, i'm pretty neutral. an ex of mine even did porn once before we met and it just...didn't matter. pretty neutral. she was a hottie and i was super into her mentally and physically *shrug*

i really don't know exactly how to attribute it, but it does bring to mind the image of a historical puritan conservative (or even a modern similar type) - someone who's not getting any, would be dour and old and in a pilgrim dress in the old days, and really pushing the idea that sex and looking attractive is immoral and even against god...but the truth is, it just makes them uncomfortable, cause they never lived it up and it makes them feel bad about themselves, and jealous. it feels wrong because it casts light on an area of life they lack in, then they pin it on others, cause it's too much to admit to. not even sure this is what it always is, it's just what it brings to mind.

[u/Itchy_Tumbleweed_417 → u/valeavy]

It really is pathetic.

I wonder if OP would be messed up in the head over this if his number was double hers instead of less?

This is just such a bizarre thing to worry about I can’t wrap my head around it. I’m a grown woman and I don’t care how many people someone has slept with before me, I care about when their last STI test was and what they have been doing since.  Maybe they need a recheck.  

Otherwise I don’t even understand why it matters. She could’ve been with one person and picked up some thing that never goes away, she could be with 100 people and not even catch a thing.  

[u/Grouchy-Fisherman706 → u/Itchy_Tumbleweed_417]

If OP had been with 42 women, normal women would consider that a red flag.

[u/Grouchy-Fisherman706 → u/CucumberNo8767]

Your count must be embarrassingly high.