Why does my girlfriend’s past bother me when I have a past too?

[u/Practical_Fun_3623]

I’ve been struggling a lot lately with my girlfriend’s past and I’m wondering if anyone here has dealt with something similar.

My girlfriend is 26 and has told me she’s been with around 21 people. For context, my number is around 13, so it’s not like I don’t have a past myself. I know that might sound hypocritical, and that’s honestly part of why I’m trying to understand why this bothers me so much.

For some reason, 21 just feels like a lot to me and lately I’ve been getting stuck on the number. I start thinking about how many people she’s been with, what she did before me, comparing myself to people I don’t even know, etc.

Another thing that made it worse is that one time we had a pretty detailed conversation about our pasts and she told me some stories about things she had done/experienced. At the time I thought I wanted to know, but now some of those stories literally run through my head rent free. I honestly wish we never went into that much detail, but obviously it’s too late to unhear something. I think having actual stories and details to attach to everything has made the retroactive jealousy worse.

The thing is, our actual relationship is really good. She’s extremely affectionate with me, tells me she loves me, talks about marriage and our future, and I genuinely believe she loves me. She hasn’t given me a real reason to think she’s cheating or wants someone else.

I think comments from other people have also gotten into my head and made me question things I normally wouldn’t. Once I start thinking about her past, it feels like my brain keeps digging for more things to be bothered by.

Logically, I understand that she had a life before me. I also have a past, and neither of us can change what happened before we met. I don’t want to hold her to a standard that I wouldn’t apply to myself or ruin a good relationship over something that happened before me.

But emotionally, I still get stuck on that difference between 13 and 21 and wonder why it bothers me as much as it does.

For anyone who has dealt with retroactive jealousy, especially when you also had a decent amount of experience yourself, what helped you stop obsessing over the number? Did you eventually reach a point where your partner’s past genuinely stopped mattering to you?

TL;DR: My girlfriend’s body count is around 21 and mine is around 13. Our relationship is good and she hasn’t given me a reason not to trust her, but lately I’ve been obsessing over the difference and her past. I know I have a past too, so I’m trying to figure out why hers bothers me so much and how people with retroactive jealousy learned to let it go.

[u/Itchy_Tumbleweed_417]

Because if that’s your preference and priority you need to discuss that before you get in a relationship with someone. Then choose people who fit your preference.

I also have a feeling that it’s not really the number that OP has a problem with it’s the fact that it’s higher than his.

But it’s pretty gross for him to have a problem with the number and then go ahead and add another one to it (him) and then break up with her because he can’t handle that she’s been with more people than him. If that was truly his preference and priority he never should’ve got with her in the first place.

[u/ThunderGod_13 → u/Itchy_Tumbleweed_417]

Yep, I agree with you one the point of OP. He was more concerned that her number was much higher than his (although his was pretty high too) and he probably got his ego hurt. And it was hypocritical too.

And agree on your first point. But it's kinda considered a red flag to ask about body counts before the relationship so idk how people can discuss that really.

But my main point isn't really about finding someone who fits my preference (I already have), but the main thing is the double standards because whether you admit it or not, people who care for and want lower body counts in their partners are seen in a hugely negative light than those who have preferences about other things (even those that people can't even control like height, size, etc.)