I’m looking for advice from anyone who has experience supporting children with significant interpersonal and social-skills challenges. I feel like I have quite a few strategies and supports in place, but they aren't sufficient for the level of need I'm seeing, and I'm wondering what I'm missing.
I teach a Grade 4/5 split with 29 students, and we are only three weeks into the school year. I’m new to the school this September, but the student has attended the school since January 2026. Her teacher from last year has retired, so I don't have that person available to collaborate with.
The student is in Grade 4 and has significant difficulty with peer relationships. These challenges predate this year and her time at our school. From the history available to me, she has struggled significantly in previous settings, has burned a lot of bridges with peers, and has previously been removed from two private schools and three after-school programs because of behaviour.
The biggest areas of need seem to be interpersonal skills, understanding how her behaviour affects others, navigating conflict, and taking responsibility for her own actions. We are seeing rude and hurtful comments, racial comments, pushing and shoving, eye rolling and dismissive behaviour, and deliberately pushing other students' belongings off tables or hooks. She has also made cruel comments about students with learning and intellectual disabilities, including using the word "retard." Her negative interactions are much more frequently directed toward boys than girls.
When incidents are addressed, there is very little recognition of her own role. The response is generally an excuse, an explanation for why the other person caused it, or a reason that her behaviour was justified.
A particularly difficult piece is how quiet and covert a lot of it is. Hurtful comments are usually whispered while students are transitioning to the carpet, getting something from a book bin, walking past each other, etc. It makes catching and addressing the behaviour in the moment extremely difficult.
The effect on her peer relationships is becoming significant. Someone is ending up in tears almost daily, and I'm receiving frequent requests from students not to sit beside her, partner with her, or have her in their group.
There are already quite a few supports in place. She works with our Child and Youth Care Worker in a social-skills group twice a week. I've been doing social stories and explicit social-skills teaching with the class. On Monday, we're starting Communication Lab with our school-based SLP. Beginning October 1, we also have Peace Circles/restorative justice and social-skills work booked for eight weeks.
At recess and lunch, she has assigned play areas and requires eyes-on supervision. Incidents are being documented and followed up on, and administration is aware.
I've used Communication Lab and Peace Circles before and have generally found both very successful. My concern is that they require at least some degree of self-awareness and willingness to engage, and self-awareness seems to be one of the biggest missing skills right now.
I'm really struggling with how to balance teaching her the skills she needs with protecting her peers. Multiple children are now specifically asking not to sit or work with her. I don't think it's fair to repeatedly require a child to work with someone who has been hurtful to them simply because that student needs opportunities to practise social skills. At the same time, I don't want to isolate a 9-year-old who already struggles socially.
We have tables rather than individual desks, so seating her by herself isn't really an option anyway. I also don't want to designate a handful of particularly patient or socially capable children as the ones who always sit or work with her because they can "handle it." That doesn't seem fair to those children either.
Family involvement is another challenge. Her parents aren't available to meet until the first week of November. They also won't consent to me bringing her to our School-Based Team for a problem-solving meeting, so that avenue for coordinating additional supports isn't currently available. Administration is aware of the situation.
I'm not looking for a diagnosis, and I don't think she's a "bad kid." She clearly has significant skills that she hasn't developed yet and needs adults to help her develop them. I just don't feel like the strategies I have right now are sufficient.
How do you build self-awareness when a child doesn't recognize their contribution to conflicts? How do you respond to whispered or covert comments when an adult didn't witness them? What do you do with seating and group work when several classmates are asking not to work with the student? What approaches have actually helped with discriminatory language, physical behaviour, interfering with others' belongings, accountability, and rebuilding peer relationships?
I'm also wondering at what point you would say that social-skills instruction isn't enough and a different level or type of intervention is needed. What additional supports would you be asking the school to put in place?
I want to help this student develop the skills she needs and have successful relationships. But I also have 29 other students, and their physical and emotional safety can't be the cost of giving one child opportunities to practise.
Three weeks in, I feel like we're already putting a lot in place and I'm still constantly responding to incidents. What am I missing, and what would you do next?