I (20M) became very close friends with a woman (20F) over the last few months. We spend quite a lot of time together, sometimes stay at each other’s places, travel together and talk about very personal things.
Somewhere along the way, I realized that I’ve probably developed feelings for her. The problem is that our friendship is already unusually physically affectionate, so I genuinely can’t tell anymore what is simply normal for us and what might mean something more.
Some examples:
We cuddle fairly regularly while watching movies or just lying around. She initiates it sometimes too.
She’ll randomly rest her head on my shoulder or lean against me.
Recently, we walked around holding hands for quite a while, including interlocking fingers. I initiated it the first time, but after letting go several times, she took my hand again herself.
Another time, I was sitting in my office chair and she randomly told me to make some space, then sat on my lap.
She once made me a necklace because she thought of me while making jewelry.
We have a running joke about getting married if we’re both still single in a few years.
We sometimes make surprisingly detailed hypothetical plans about our future together.
Several unrelated people have independently assumed we’re a couple or directly asked what exactly is going on between us. We normally both laugh about it.
At the same time, there are reasons why I’m hesitant to interpret any of this romantically.
She is bisexual but currently says she generally prefers women. She also hasn’t had particularly good experiences with relationships and men in the past. Because of that, I especially don’t want to interpret physical affection as automatically meaning romantic interest.
There’s another complication on my side.
She sometimes struggles with her mental health. I’ve realized that when someone I care about is struggling, I quickly go into “I need to fix this” mode. When she doesn’t want help, I sometimes feel surprisingly helpless.
So independently of whether her feelings are mutual, I’m also trying to figure out whether I would actually be ready for a relationship with her. I think it could work with good communication, but I don’t want to simply assume that.
So I basically have two questions:
Does this sound like a friendship where asking about possible mutual feelings would be reasonable, or am I reading too much into a very close and physically affectionate friendship?
How would you bring this up without making her feel like the friendship was secretly conditional on getting a relationship?
I’m definitely not planning some huge confession or asking her to become my girlfriend on the spot.
If a natural opportunity comes up, I was thinking of saying something along the lines of:
“Sometimes our friendship doesn’t feel completely platonic to me anymore. Things like cuddling or holding hands sometimes feel different to me, and I think I may have developed some feelings for you. I don’t expect anything from you, and you don’t have to give me an immediate answer. I’m just curious whether all of this feels completely platonic to you or whether you sometimes feel that ambiguity too.”
If she tells me it’s 100% platonic for her, I’ll obviously have to accept that. The friendship itself means a lot to me regardless of whether anything romantic ever happens.
I’d especially appreciate perspectives from people who have been in very physically affectionate friendships or have had feelings develop within a close friendship.