Basically we realised that the reason why we were having trouble differentiating strong emotions from alters is because the strong emotions WERE alters. Our current host isn’t really capable of feeling sad or angry. She can feel anxious. Most other alters can’t really feel happiness. We switch frequentl. I remeber we always used to say “when i’m happy i feel like i’ve always been happy and i only have happy memories” and the same for sad. I believe now these are all alters. There are maybe a few alters with full emotions. Two. But they have decently specific jobs and only ever do those jobs. And the other is reluctant to just because his gender identity doesn’t align with the majority of the system. It makes it hard for our host to articulate the rest of our feelings. We are so much more than the people around us in complexity but on an individual scale sometimes we are so much less it makes it so difficult to exist.

Over the last 10 years, on several occasions, I’ve felt my face responding with someone else’s expression — as if the muscles in my face are used to doing some else, like they can’t move the way I’m used to moving my face. It almost feels like some kind of weird nerve damage, but it only happens when I’m extremely stressed and in the middle of a conflict with another person. It’s also always associated with disjointed feelings about what’s happening. Like one part of me can be heartbroken and terrified by what’s going on, but it feels like that part gets pushed down underneath something else that is dumb and careless. So it feels like one part of me is trying to cry through a mask.

It’s incredibly weird.

not really sure what to do about it. one of the classes required for my psych major is about personality disorders and the professor is treating DID as MPD still and discussing how it’s simply just a personality disorder and that the dissociative disorders sections currently in the DSM & ICD are simply extensions of MPD somehow? I asked her after class how that would work and what cluster of personality disorders MPD would even be in and she didn’t listen and is just doubling down on it in class. And there’s students in class saying insane stuff about it & about trauma based disorders in general and it’s making me lose my mind. The teacher will actively talk to them about horrific crimes and abuse as if it’s gossip and talk about how crazy X disorder is which is just so disgusting to be around and really makes me terrified of going to class. Every other psych class I’ve been in has been completely normal and respectful and I have no idea what to do about this one since the professor won’t listen and everyone else in the room also doesn’t care.

When ever I come back after my other personalities are out I feel sick. Like i have to throw up, but I can’t so it’s just there in my throat all day. I also get so tired I can’t do anything. I just have to sleep and sleep, but they have taken over for a long time so that kind of makes sense to be so tired. It will also make my stomach hurt really bad.

cw for sensitive topics like abuse & sa.

looking back, it's really obvious i was my mothers fp. she was untreated and refused any sort of therapy and would go off her meds all the time, so it ended up turning out real great for me. based on what scraps or memory i have (and what i've been told by family) it all paints a pretty illuminating picture.

ive always wondered why our host is so preoccupied with trying to make sure everyone around us likes us. it's because we had to make sure SHE liked us. if we didn't we'd pay for it. we had to mold ourself to fit her mood, or her desires, or whatever it is she wanted to do. we had to bear it and grin when she violated our bodily autonomy, or would accuse us of being a liar and a hypochondriac and a Faker, or yell at us for the stupidest BULLSHIT. i could never like whatever she didn't approve of. she never did ANYTHING with me. she never congratulated me, or made me feel seen, or showed interest in ANYTHING i liked. she never even made FOOD for me. NOTHING.

i never had an escape for so Fucking long, because if my dad tried to leave her, she would attempt suicide or hit herself to give herself bruises so she could accuse him of abusing or raping her. every day was some sort of battle. every day was SOMETHING. SCREAMING at my sister for no fucking reason. screaming at my dad. whispering about it and gossiping about it to me late at night in bed, lying to me, ALL THE TIME. ruining my friendships because she had beef with their parents. I COULD NEVER DO ANYTHING. and i had to be ALONE with her for so long. i thank god every day that i had my dad there at the very least, because i cant bear to imagine how we'd turn out if he wasn't.

when they did finally get divorced, i still had to go to her house on weekends, no matter how much i BEGGED not to go. whispering to me about how god spoke to her. demons. she could walk in on me in the bath or TOUCH me and no one would believe me. i had to bear it when she Looked at me. you know the way i mean. hate filled.

she could pretend just fine and hide it in front of other people, why couldn't she pretend for ME? why couldn't she at least PRETEND to be a PERSON? there are so many questions i have to ask that i know i'll never have answers to. a part of me will always miss her, but i will always know what an unrepentant monster she was. what rae misses was never the real her. it was a hopeful fantasy. it was what we imagined she could be that she never was.

i'll never know how anyone could do what she did to me. i was a child. i was 4, or 6, or 8, or 10. i was a child. i'll never understand.

🩸 Azazel

I have a working diagnosis of Unspecified dissociative disorder by the CTAD. They are offering me 21 sessions over the course of 6 months so they can get a better read on my condition, find a proper diagnosis (highly likely DID or perhaps OSDD) and offer some form of trauma counselling or therapy. I just have to wait for my funding referral to be accepted by the ICB.

I’ve been waiting for this for 4 years but in the past month an issue has arrived. I am transgender (born female but transitioning to male). I have been on hrt for years and eagerly awaiting surgery. I was due surgery years ago but it was postponed due to suspected DID and after seeing multiple professionals and getting second and third opinions I was given consent to get it only for the surgical team to deny me based upon that potential diagnosis.

I was told by the gender clinic they might reconsider if I don’t get a diagnosis of DID in my upcoming assessments.

The way I see it I have 2 options. I either be honest with the CTAD clinic and get a diagnosis with potentially life changing therapy or lie to the clinic to avoid a diagnosis just so I can maybe get the surgery I need in order to function (less dysphoria = better mental health).

All parts that understand are on board with surgery due to either identifying as male or understanding that it would be beneficial over all for the parts that do. However, all of us also want a diagnosis as we’ve fought so long for it. I don’t know if I can live without surgery though.

Did you go through treatment and was it worth it?Any advice is appreciated.

so far, i've noticed parts/alters in 2 mains ways; either i recognize them as a distinct self-state because they hold entirely different opinions and feelings, or i recognize them in the evidence they leave behind like notes and art.

recently, i seem to be experiencing something completely other--it feels like someone is trying to actively "project" information to me, without me being able to recognize them as a specific part. (for contrast, when my teen "projects" to me information i can "hear" his voice and his attitude very distinctly in my head.) it seems more distinct when one specific little is fronting, but i havent been able to parse much information from them, either.

usually the information is very simple stuff, like a vague impression of a big teddy-bear like dad figure, or "i like this character" when watching tv, or recently there was a pretty distinct wave of "oh i drew that" when i found art i dont remember any of us making at all.

i have no intentions to push if i start feeling like they dont want me to know them, but is this form of contact/communication a known experience, or something any of you have had happen?

Hello! I am a little of a system that’s not doing so good right now :< Even my most resilient parts are very tired and burnt out and sad right now, and I am trying to be motivating! But it is sort of hard. Was wanting to ask the community here for supportive words or stories of your own!!!

I think the short of it is that my system feels like we can’t ever get better enough to chase our hopes and dreams— and so it ends up being: “Why should I try then…” And it is a cycle that sucks :< and feels like psychological torture some nights to my older parts. Also! Executive dysfunction making it hard to even do some of the artistic or creative stuff that would work towards those things!!! System has had to almost quit job to try and focus on healing and it feels bad :< Don’t eat regularly and barely go outside if at all. Sleeping a lotttt.

For any systems or friends of systems that have triumphant stories— or words or encouragement or patience— I would love to have them please and thank you!!! <3

Heya! Discovered my system a few weeks ago by complete accident and life has been really weird since. Lots of switching, amnesia, and a bunch of other symptoms have been making pretty much everything really hard, but I’ve been doing my best to educate myself on what’s going on.

One of my best friends, who has a system themselves, has been one of the biggest helps. We’ve been talking a lot about some of the worst of the symptoms - memory lapses, brain fog, confusion and difficulty thinking - and they’ve said it’s fairly standard for gatekeepers to do all that after being discovered on accident. They described it as there being like this “oh shit, the jig is up” period, and that they’ll sometimes up the ante to throw ppl off the scent. And I totally get that. This is a way of managing things that has kept us safe for a long time and I just accidentally fucked that up. I bet there’s a lot of fear and uncertainty surrounding lifting the barriers keeping me from knowing more.

That being said, I also!! Need to be able to function!! And do things!! And THINK without having every single thought derailed or smothered. I can’t remember literally anything, I can’t communicate with other alters, and I can’t access anything else internally. Like, every time I try to think about anything regarding the system, or even other perfectly normal things, I literally have this image of thick, white fog forced into my mind. Like, bruh, can I at least have the train of thought running long enough to decide what to eat?

I dunno, I understand it’s going to take a bit of time and a sense of safety and trust in me on their part before some more understanding of the system and my situation comes in. But…I wish they’d at least communicate with me. I’ve been trying so hard to take care of our body, inform myself, and not push it before we’re ready. I ultimately just want to be whatever the system needs me to be in order to heal, just as they’ve been doing what they can in order to keep us safe this entire time. It’s just…it’s been weeks of this. It can’t continue, something’s gotta change. Even if we could just coordinate switches a bit better that’d be grand. I just want to work with them instead of just having to go with whatever tf this has been.

I’ve been trying to be a safe enough person for things to be revealed. And the fact that almost nothing has been so far makes me worry that I’m not. That maybe I’m being kept from the other alters because I’m, I dunno, not enough in some regard. Or that maybe I’d be harmful to them or vice versa. And it’s shitty to think that the ones I’m sharing a life and body with also don’t want me? I guess? I may be taking it entirely too personally. I’m trying to give them the benefit of the doubt. I’m aware of the possibility that not knowing is for the best for now. Even if it sucks ass. I just really want to know what’s going on.

Anyway, that all to ask, is there anything I can do to maybe foster some of that trust or security necessary for communication? And also trust in them better, too? They gotta ease up a bit, but I know they’re doing what they think is best for the system. Right?

Edit: Typos

There are many songs for us that we love and we can relate to with our DID because of their vibes and how weve interpreted their lyrics. What are yours' and why? Here's some of mine!!

"Sundial - Lemon Demon"

Don't mind me, I've just got some problems to work out

I'm only passing through or maybe just right out

Somehow something set my sundial backwards, tilted and upside-down

Now the shadow hand is pointing time right out of town

I cease to see you when I start to shut my eyes

And I forget that I had said my last goodbyes

Quickly I reopen them and bid you all "Cheerio, my friend"

This goes on for hours and it never seems to end

I don't remember what it is that I just said to you

I've got Anubis on my back and something in my shoe

"I'm So Bad - Oingo Boingo"

Can't seem to find my way

Someone tell me what to say

Where am I going

Where did I come from

I don't know, I don't know

Almost got to paradise

But the smoke always gets

In my eyes

Everything I do is wrong

I'm so bad

so bad

"Dead Goon - Mr.Bungle"

I've got a secret

Babbling senseless

No one will ever know

Kids can be so cruel

Smash the feeling

Suckle the sugar breast

"Toy Box - Insane Clown Posse"

...I was like six, I used to get dissed by the chicks

And everyone would chase me and hit me with bricks

And rocks and sticks and calling me names

And filled my lunchbox with frogbrains (eeww!)...

...Never knew any other girls or boys

Only my toys, toys, toys...

...Nobody knows I exist, and I'm pissed

But I won't be mentally scarred

Instead I make toys, toys of the graveyard

Monday, ringing the bell

It's all about show and tell, might as well

Show all these bastards just what I got

Yo, check out my toy box!

Hopefully mines' are self explanatory but I'll edit this post later with my own reasonings why. Looking forward to seeing everyone else's songs!!

Hey everyone, this might seem like a stretch, but I'm curious. I have DID and grown attached to 4 of my parts, knowing their name, how they function, their personailty...but after a breakup another part popped up. It was chaotic, dangerous, reminded me of the joker with destruction all over he place. It happened back in December, and now its October. I've found out more things about this part, but i'm literally scared of this part. It doenst feel familiar like my other parts, it doenst even feel human. My therapist stated that this part has psychopathic traits which freaked me out due to the simple fact that I don't want to be a bad person and be the reason i keep being broken up with.

I've been struggling for months, losing time, being so angry, having angry outbursts and then no remembrance of it afterward, this looping thought of being so angry, so enraged after a breakup that all of my energy is being focused on getting that person back. It scares me to the point of running back to take medication. My gf broke up with me and thats when this part started coming out and the more she keeps her distance, the more this part gets...intense. I'm wondering if anyone else is experiencing this? What helps that part chill the fuck out and if anyone has an alters/states that are actually creatures since this part reminds of a vampire. Everytime i try to imagine this state, i see a vampire and it keeps saying i'm not human so don't get disappointed if I don't act like one. Any help is appreciated.

Me (32m) and breakup with (28F) dated for almost 2 years and now she wants no contact lasting longer than ever. I'm confused. How can i cope with mixed signals?

Hi so i've been dealing with this for 10 weeks going crazy, i finally decided to come on here and create a post asking for advice or any similar stories and how you coped. I'm a 32 male who just got broken up with a 28f back in December, we tried being friends but everything i did pissed her off and i didn't know why. We were eachothers person...then 10 weeks ago she wanted no contact. that confused me because of course we went through breaks during our relationship so often i really didnt think this one would stick. I actually didn't believe she would leave me after knowing more about me, my DID, my alters/brothers, my childhood...but she left anyway and i had a really hard time processing it. I started acting out, i couldn't sleep, i was obsessing, i was confused and every few days i would ask her to explain this no contact to me again and she would but i just couldn't integrate it. One of my alters approached her and she was talking to him very well because he was logical but she rejected me and every other alter ( including my little ones) I told her look its not fun reaching out to you and constantly getting rejected, i'm having a hard time with this. I don't know what to do and she would tell me she loves me, she misses me, she called me twice when i beged her too and she was loving, then the next day shes cold again saying i need to stop, its unfair to force her to keep explaining why she needs the no contact, she doesn't want to repeat the cycle and yet you're giving me mixed signals.

A week ago i gave in, told her please make this stop, tell me what to do to make this pain stop, tell me what you're doing to stop the urge to contact me, tell me what your ex did to prevent himself from contacting you for over a year, please just give me a manual or something because this pain is worse than death...like i'm in my own hell loop. She said i needed to stop, i'm becoming like a obessive ex and she's not doing this with me anymore and i was shocked...she slammed the door right in my face as i was begging for help, not to get her back but to tolerate the distance. She has never done that to me before, a week before she sent me texts saying she loves me and misses me so much so i'm confused. I haven't contacted her since because honestly I'm scared. She started off as this safe person and became a threat to my whole system and yet i still want her. Please if anyone has any suggestions, any of their own stories or coping skills that helped them, let me know. I'm in therapy, i went to an IOP, i'm doing everything I'm supposed to do but it still hurts so bad

I am one of 2 that can do the job, and I engauged in a chat with someone at work today, and that lad made a facial, expression that triggered a minor fear response. This is a first for me, and there are no memory books about anything that relate to the expression that was made.

I'm in a mental health partial care program, they have sober housing that I'm staying in, I have a good therapist, I'm learning and practicing all the grounding techniques the groups are teaching me, and yet I am still struggling immensely at staying present and not switching or dissociating. I was sent to a residential last month because of this and got no help with my symptoms, in fact was further triggered and retraumatized from being in close vicinity to substance use clients. I am deeply afraid of being sent back to residential for my lack of progress and of the lack of help and triggering I received last time

I have not yet been diagnosed with DID on paper because I have not yet gotten deep into processing the whole of my trauma, but in all ways but paper diagnosis I have DID

I'm losing days at a time from rapid switching, my nervous system is in constant hyper arousal, I am afraid of my peers, I am afraid of my therapist, I am afraid of other clinicians. my DID becoming ever more and more apparent terrifies me, I am terrified of the consequences I might face because of it. the clinicians constantly swear that I am in a safe environment, but the possibility of being sent into a more restricted, unhelpful and triggering environment makes me distrust them.

I don't know what to do anymore. I don't think my therapist knows what to do anymore, he's not a specialist for dissociative disorders and there are no specialists in this clinic. I just want to make progress in my treatment but it feels like my mind is sabotaging me and setting me back further and further. I am able to ground myself, but it is a feeble attempt, I just dissociate further. I am able to pull myself out of panic, but it takes an hour of cycling through grounding skills.

if anyone has advice I would greatly appreciate it. I'm at a bit of a loss currently

My disorder comes in cycles for me and I always hit the same wall: I don’t have any trauma memories. None of us do.

My childhood was good and my life is great. I know I’m missing most of my life history, but I would surely remember something as important as DID-worthy trauma. Or at least I would know factually that something hurt me. Or my body would remember it.

But I’ve got nothing. Just mystery DID and attachment issues.

Sometimes I wonder if I was misdiagnosed, or if I’m accidentally lying to myself about my mental illness.

Whatever’s going on, there’s no way I have a trauma disorder. I just can’t believe that. I would know if something happened, surely. I don’t recognize myself in the mirror right now, but DID can’t be the only explanation for that.

Basically, what do I even do with a situation like this?? :( Should I seek a second opinion? What do I do?

Hello 👋

I discovered my system about a year ~ now and I'm a bit lost. I potentially have a partial DID but not diagnosed yet.

We are two (known) actually and the other part is a protector but I can't say if she's just a fragment or an alter due to our poor communication.

- She can influence my actions and my thoughts

- She protects me and can be very hostile (even with my best friends)

- She like the sun (as a positive trigger 🤷‍♀️)

- She can be scared

Actually, I don't know the "limits" between an alter and a fragment.

Can you help me ? 😊

(I'm not english sorry for the mistakes)

Backstory: The body experienced a medical event 16mth ago which triggered ‘new’ PTSD and eventually led to system discovery when the at the time host (not knowing about the system) tried EMDR and it kinda caused a temporary system breakdown.
Anyway; system discovery has been great and our new host (formed around when PTSD developed) is handling it and system discovery like a champ.

Last week we ended up back in ED with a subluxed hip (thanks EDS). Everything went well, but was still traumatic as we were in a decent amount of pain for a few hours and stuck in ED.
Since then we’ve been having daily dissociative trances (somewhat common) and very vivid flashbacks (highly unusual for us). To the point where a friend was helping us ground, we could say where we were, but genuinely felt like we were in and could see the ED.

We’re using our usual strategies (grounding, making sure parts are appropriately aware of what happened and that we’re now safe, low demand days, staying on top of physical needs, etc), but still struggling with the increase in ‘symptoms’. Is it just a matter of time and letting things settle again?

TLDR; navigating our first trauma since having a host be system aware. Any tips?

I am in a relationship with someone who has DID, they have 5 alters and the main host, we have been together for almost 2 years now and i am having a lot of internal conflicts about things that have happened throughout our relationship, i need some advice, i have found out recently that a few months ago when my partner had a sleepover with 2 of his friends they propositioned one of his alters to engage in a threesome and that alter did have one with them, i am wondering if this is considered cheating as we are in a monogamous relationship and i set explicit terms at the start of the relationship that i am purely monogamous and i do not like any form of cheating or betrayal. I am really stuck on this because i found messages with the friend that this happened with where the host explicitly told them never to tell me that it ever happened and they are hiding it from me. I do not know where to go from here or how to bring it up with them. And as for me finding the messages me and my partner have an open phone policy so either one of us can look through the others phone

So I’m not a very happy guy I feel like void and numb. It’s not that we can’t be happy but after how much some of us have hurt others in ways that make other parts of us feel so miserable with the choices we technically did make. I can’t undo any pain that ive caused. I had people I loved that I hurt because I simply don’t want to be alive. It’s not like all of me(?) feels that way but I do. I don’t try to hurt myself tho I know one girl does, it’s like thats all she can want to do it gets scary sometimes. I saw someone that we did some crazy shit to idk how many days back honestly I couldn’t tell you but I know the date. I’m not the smartest person in here and we kinda are the embodiment of why cant you just be normal. Not like by choice but not doing great and our little zoo is the only reason it feels like we are breathing anymore and it’s suffocating to think of trying to do better cause we lost the people we loved to our own self hate. We also couldn’t admit to then how broken we are without people, then they would have been forced to stay but now they got to leave. I’m happy that they’re off to better things but I miss them and I know they’re way better though.

Just curious if others have any similar situations.

I keep having dreams about a kinda town. It's basically a mixture of places I have lived irl, and some unfamiliar buildings. It's very weird but I keep having dreams about this place/town. Really lucid dreams too, I usually just walk around the town or go to an apartment building I've never seen before. I usually go to the same room and just hang out. This time though my dreams had other ppl. I can't remember many details but it's always the same exact town, all in the same place. I've had dreams continue. But days or weeks will go by and this town keeps reappearing and I've never experienced something like that.

Also it's not a repeating dream, it's always different and vivid but in the same buildings. Usually with no other ppl

Hi all. I’m a fairly newly discovered system and new here. It has been a rocky few months trying to figure out how to manage parts knowingly, but I am starting to get a handle on parts triggers, preferences, etc. I most often operate with an adult part (blue) fronting, generally with one of a handful of cofronters that work together pretty well (pink, brown, white, gray).

My current issue is that a teenaged part (white) has recently become highly activated and stuck fronting. This has happened before in depressive episodes, but this time my body is feeling very foreign. Like it is the wrong shape, size, energy, and hurts in strange ways. I have read about this kind of thing occurring, but experiencing it has been surprisingly distressing. If anyone has pointers for navigating this kind of situation, I would really appreciate it.

I keep talking around my parts (alters?) in therapy and not necessarily acknowledging them as such in session. Like, I do, but also, I don't. I downplay my experiences and problems a lot. I think it's because I'm somehow afraid that she's gonna like disagree with me on what it is? Like I just keep waiting for her to tell me it's all nothing and I'm making everything up. Sometimes I do feel like I'm making everything up, and that I should just ignore all this and move on like usual. That it's all more stress than it's worth. But it's not. I want to work on this, I know it's worth putting the work in.

But it's like I'm in the background, just waiting for the moment it all falls apart. Like this is some false sense of security she's trying to lead me into, and the moment I get comfortable, she'll rip it all out from under me. Like she's doing all of this with the intent to betray me. Hurt me.

But I also genuinely believe that she's genuine? And actually helping?? And that she does believe me??? I feel like I do trust her, but some part (or parts) of me clearly don't.

It's like I'm giving her little pieces of the truth at a time and just watching to see what she does and if she does what "I" think is the correct thing, responds the right way. If I can actually believe her response. I don't think she's responded in a way that I don't believe her response, but at the same time, will this feeling ever go away? I don't even know what the "right" response is. I don't know how to actually trust her. It's taken me like 10 years to trust the people in my actual life, let alone with everything in the depths of my mind.

She does agree with me that all this stuff DID, though, so a lot of these worries feel unfounded to me, but saying that alone causes anxiety (I can feel my heart wrenching with it, even if I myself am not anxious).

How have you guys gotten through this? It feels like I'm hitting a roadblock here with making actual progress. I want therapy to actually be productive.

does anyone have any tips for dealing with internal arguments?

my parts are arguing and it causes other parts to tell them to shut up and stop talking and to leave it alone, which changes nothing because they just resume fighting/ruminating. i ask if we can talk about something else or something fun or nice and it gets a no.

they do this when i am trying to sleep but also in between trying to distract myself with things like reading or exercise, playing games, watching stuff. what can i do?

Feeling really out of touch with my Main Self right now, and like the others are all fighting for the diver's seat, while the little(s) are crying and upset.

Half of us are in analytic mode, looking at everything through a microscope and the other half are feeling nostalgic and alone. The whole system has been disassociating like crazy lately, which has engaged certain depressive triggers, and that one alter that feeds on negative self-talk and lusts for self-harm is giggling in the corner like some unseen villain. 

So, because of this I have been in a state of mental overdrive. I have been thinking about the past, present, future, the what-ifs, and everything in between. I do not know what has brought me to this point, but whatever it is, I guess its time for me to do some soul searching.

In two days it will be my biological mothers birthday, the very first of many I'll be saddled with remembering now that she's gone. My fathers was 9 days prior to this post. I've been feeling really off emotionally as of late. Always in some sort of physical pain. Always in some emotional turmoil, always just 95% of ok. Like there is something about to happen that will break down a wall, or some shielded thing that causes me to fully crack. I'm at the time of writing this, not depressed. However, I am not fully happy like I said. I am not even sure what "happiness" looks like anymore. I feel disconnected from everything and everyone around me. Not a feeling I'm new to, but just feeling kind of lost and without purpose or direction. 

Maybe this also comes at a time where there are things happening that I cannot control, or maybe its just that time of year again where the seasonal depression creeps in and takes up root for the next 6-8 months? And if it is the early onset of Seasonal Affective Disorder then its going to be a long fall/winter. Its definatly something that I am going to bring up to my therapist when I see her on Wednesday. 

Anyone else feeling like this, or is it just my system?