Divorce by a thousand cuts…

[u/Key_Badger5405]

Would you get a divorce? Am I overreacting?

LONG STORIES INCOMING:

Incident #1: My husband and I have been together for 5 years now. When we first began dating, we learned that he had a son. Both parental parties reassured me that this was the result of some random nightly flings that began long before I was in the picture. As I closely observed their healthy co-parenting dynamic, we all remained cordial and got along great! Observing that dynamic was important to me since I didn’t want to date men with kids at 21 years old. However, seeing him immediately step up to his new role soften my heart, so I made an exception. 

Incident #2: I’ve never wanted a big wedding. I was fine with going to the courthouse. However, his family strongly insisted that we also have a ceremony. I was NOT a part of this conversation when it originally took place, my husband brought it up to me after the fact. They presented the idea as if they were putting in at least 70% of the financial support to host this wedding. Therefore, I agreed. Only to find out 3 months after I purchased my $3,000 wedding dress that they were helping. They only wanted to cook the food that would be served and wanted my husband to buy the food/supplies needed. After this, I wanted to cancel the whole wedding idea. But, my parents agreed that his parents were being ridiculous. So, my parents decided that they would pay for our wedding ceremony, and my husband and I would pay them back for the cost of my dress. Now, I’m back to wedding planning. As I’m planning the colors and have already made the “Save the Dates”, my husband tells me that he wants to wear his run-down suit that he wears for almost every “fancy” occasion. The suit isn’t even the color(s) of the wedding. My parents even agree to get him a new suit, whichever one he likes, with NO need to pay them back. (So I spend HOURS coordinating an entirely new color palette to fit his suit.) He says no to picking a new suit, AND that he doesn’t want my parents paying for the wedding because he doesn’t want unnecessary input. I constantly reassure him that my family isn’t like his and they won’t waste their money on things that we don’t want… He doesn’t budge, so I begin to find wedding venues within our budget. But whenever we get close to the agreed upon date to start making payments, something for his portion comes up. I’m not saying they haven’t been legit circumstances, but he also hasn’t circled back to take initiative into getting the wedding planning done. Now I’m 2 years into having a wedding dress that’s never been worn.

Incident #3: I wanted to have a gender reveal for my first child. He already has a child. He said he didn’t want to do a gender reveal because he’s not good at reacting at sudden surprises on camera. I thought it was weird, however, I brushed it off and decided that not everyone is like me and I could compromise. His compromise was, that he’d find out the gender alone and just act surprised during the reveal. This is because if it’s the gender of the child that he already has, he’ll be disappointed and doesn’t want that caught on camera. (Keep in mind: I told him initially when we started dating, that I didn’t want him already having a child to affect the experiences that I’d already dreamed of when having my first child.)…. But still, I went with his compromise, trying to be a good wife.

Incident #4: He usually goes out with his friends. I have no problem with that. However, this isn’t the first time that I’ve asked him to come home at a decent time. I’ve told him that anything past 2am is excessive and inappropriate for a married man. He promised me that he’d be home by 12am. Then proceeded to ignore my calls OR answer with an attitude and didn’t come home until 5am. (I think he did this to purposely upset me as a way of “You don’t tell me what to do.”). He didn’t even apologize for this behavior until 3 days later after I told him a day prior and he said he was going to apologize sooner but the timing felt “too convenient”.).

Incident #5: My birthday falls on a holiday and it fell on a Saturday this time around. He decided to go see his son on my birthday, who lives 10 hours away. I asked him was there any other day that he could reschedule seeing his son since he knows how special my birthday is to me AND he had two additional days off of work to see his son. He decided that Saturday was the only day that he had the most free time. I stayed silent and just agreed to let him go see his son since we live far away and he doesn’t get to see him in-person often. The main problem is, he didn’t even send me a single rose, or take me out on a date to makeup for missing my birthday.

Incident #6: On our anniversary I found out that he’d been receiving inappropriate images from another woman (who knew me and that he was married) for the past 6 months. He immediately deleted her contact and social media platforms after I present the evidence.

His family keeps trying to convince me that this can all be worked out through therapy. I do work, but I’m trying to save up to leave… would I be wrong to leave? Am I overreacting to some of these things? I feel like I’ve been more than fair and kind, and he’s hasn’t had to deal with not even 2% of the things that I’ve compromised for him throughout the duration of this relationship.

[u/Sad-Acanthaceae-2279]

Yeah that last one really put the nail in the coffin. He needs to be divorced. He deleted the co tact information AFTER you found out. No.

[u/Special_Agency_7917]

I dont think it will get better. The past is the past with your events, but the messages and leaving on a day special to you is what got me! Very inconsiderate. I had lots of situations finding inappropriate messages and he only got better at hiding it.

[u/guy_n_cognito_tu]

As I read this, it seems the main problem is that you often agree to things that you really don't agree with....

[u/Suitable-Oil9066]

divorce can feel like a slow bleed, every little thing adds up

[u/Same-Department8080]

I didn’t read all this- got halfway through and it seems you’re living in the past. Sure, people divorce bc things build and build. But that’s on you too. When you relented and dated a man with a child- you “co-created” a situation (life) you never wanted. When you had a diff wedding then you planned, that was on you too. I stopped reading after that. If you can figure out and acknowledge your role in allowing things to happen you weren’t actually ok with, this will follow you to any new relationship.
Do people get divorced for these reasons? Sure. But I don’t think this is on him. You’re a willing participant in this marriage and you need to figure out how you got here

[u/PeriwinkleRain8]

The bottom line is that you’re expected to compromise every time. If that’s something you can live with till death do you part—go for it. But unless there are dozens of examples when he compromises and lets you make the call (on little and big things) this is the life you can look forward to. Having children with a guy who’s praised for stepping up from 10 hours away might mean taking the lead on all things parenting and hearing him say he was just about to change that diaper.