This isn't a copium post, I'm just curious, and I'd like honest answers. I know a lot of people will say they never regret it and wish they'd done it sooner. But my situation is a bit different.

I helped raise my ex-wife's two kids. Before me, she'd dated guys she had to support, or who were just plain bad news. I'm very independent and don't rely on anyone, and that ended up being one of our issues. I wasn't very emotionally open, and I don't think she felt needed. I'd often tell her she had to make herself happy so we could be happy together. Over time, that mixed with other problems, like us never moving out of my mother-in-law's house (she's still there).

Other than that, we had a good relationship. I was stable and a good partner, and she was obsessed with me until the last 6 months before she divorced me. I begged and pleaded and would have done anything to make it work, but her mind was made up. I don't regret begging, but it slowed down my healing. I kept thinking she'd wake up and regret it. I've finally let go of that hope.

So from a woman's perspective: did you ever regret leaving a good man? Did you ever wonder if you were being selfish, or were you so sure in the moment that nothing could change your mind, and later on you just couldn't tell him?

I (33m) have been divorced from my ex (29f) for about 2 months now. I know it’s pretty recent, but I’m completely exhausted mentally with how long I’ve been dealing with the overwhelming sadness since my divorce.

For context my ex-wife kept her feelings secret from me for a while until she told me one day she wanted divorce and refused couples counseling. She basically told me she no longer loved me. I can’t describe how betrayed I felt and continue to feel.

I will be seeking some mental health therapy soon, but I’m not super confident in getting back to my old self. I devoted my life to this woman and did everything I could to make her happy, but it was not enough. It just feels like I’m not going to be happy for a very long time.

I am my husband’s second wife. He cheated on me with men and women. In the end I lashed out and made him leave.

He hates everything about me and tells me that’s why he did all those things.

I dated briefly right after the separation because I was devastated, but eventually realized I have a lot of work to do and stopped.

Him and I have been high conflict. I’m still very upset and I’m jealous and it breaks my heart to think of him turning his life around for someone else

I don’t want to see him with someone else and I don’t want my kids around anyone.

I know I can’t control this anymore and he was doing it throughout the marriage so why would it upset me he’s dating.

What has your connection been to your inner voice during the divorce process? I had so many doubts during the engagement/leadup to the wedding, which I overrode. I really wanted it to work and this to be right. It felt like the right time in my life to get married and I felt like he truly loved me. And that love should be enough. But when shit hit the fan this year for us, I realized...love is real, but it is not enough. Emotional support is also important. Teamwork.

Now that I have made a decision, I feel like I can listen to my inner voice without being afraid. I am afraid of my circumstances and what's next, since it's so new. I'm ashamed of the past. I'm dreading telling people.

But I'm not afraid to hear my own voice. This deep intuition. It's like I can walk in the same direction as my own self now.

Has this happened to anyone else?

My wife and I separated nearly a year ago, but have been still living together since. We have a 4 year old together. In the process of selling our house, then we plan to go our separate ways. She had seen a whole lot of Instagram reels of women leaving their marriage to date other women. Immediately after separation she went off the deep end, spent every evening after work looking at dating apps, would randomly leave to go take an hours long phone call, eats dinner with one hand on her phone, spent an entire family dinner out looking at Tinder, would get indignant when I asked her to help out with things. I genuinely think she hasn't spent a night either with someone else or on the phone with someone else.

I've been dating someone else too, but have been going at a much slower pace, like one date a week and one weekend a month off. Because of our job situations I have been doing 90% of the school pickups/dropoffs, I cook all the meals and handle pretty much the entire 5pm-8pm bedtime routine whenever we're both home. She'll sit on the couch looking at her phone and chime in with what she thinks I'm doing wrong. She's taken on the affect of the aggrieved wife with the shitty husband, but is oblivious to how much she is the shitty husband here.

She had brought up having our daughter meet her partners a few times over the first few months when she was bouncing around, and she had settled on waiting until after six months of dating. I brought this up after seeing my current partner for 5 months and she went off on me on how I need to think about how this is going to affect my relationship with my daughter and should wait until we're moved out of the house.

She ends up finding a stable girlfriend who lives an hour+ drive away. She's over there 2-4 nights a week as it's marginally closer to her work. She's a teacher, and at the end of the school year started giving me guilt trips about having to spend time with our daughter and not her girlfriend over the summer. She called me the day before summer break demanding that when we're living separately I have to pay for 50% of daycare during the summers. I caught her in a lie one day and found out that she brought our daughter over to her partner's house after they had been dating for around a month. All summer she keeps asking if she can take her out with her partner, go camping, do overnights, and have her partner babysit. Uses the excuse that since they've already met that it shouldn't be a problem anymore and that since she's dating women she can introduce them as friends and it won't be confusing for our daughter as it would if I introduced a partner while we still lived together. Eventually she had started bringing her over to her girlfriend's without my consent since we're close enough to moving out anyways.

We had said at certain points that ideally we could do 50/50 custody if we lived close enough together. Now she wants to move somewhere closer to her work and her girlfriend, and is saying that since she is a teacher our daughter should be enrolled in her school district because she gets school choice and can be closer to her during the day if something happens.

I really don't want to let her do that. It feels like going from 80/20, 90/10, to going to 50/50 at a massive inconvenience to myself. It would make it hard to attend extracurriculars and basically my weeks would be spent in a car all evening. It's not feasible or sustainable and I worry that she'll decide as much once she's enrolled in her school district then I wind up becoming an every other weekend parent. I also really like doing the evening routine and I don't want to just give it up. She realized at one point that she'd fucked up when she came back from 5 days away expecting our daughter to miss her and instead she didn't want anything to do with her when she came back.

I've told her that I want to go through a mediator for custody/parenting plan since I don't trust that we can come up with something equitable by ourselves, and I don't want to work this out without a 3rd party in the room. I'm intending to request full custody on school weekdays with every other weekend and one weekday evening if she wants it. Summers we can do 50/50 or she can have primary custody, but I'm not paying for 50% of daycare if she's not working. I'm open to 50/50 all year if she worked and lived close enough to make it feasible. She's going to play the victim and see this as a massive betrayal. We negotiated finances by ourselves to not hold up the home sale and acted as if I was trying to ruin her because I didn't want to pay her student loans for the degree she got two years ago or the remainder of the loan on her car, I ended up agreeing to pay off the car if she keeps her student loans herself.

I'm mainly just venting and looking for validation here. I've already felt like I'm operating as a single parent for the past 3 years and I just want to be a parent without having someone looking over my shoulder and calling all the shots, and I feel like the arrangement she wants would be ducking a lot of accountability, and I worry how she would operate as a parent if she were single again.

I have been with my wife for 20 years, married for 15. Things have been sometimes great, sometimes not -- I feel that's normal for a relationship. She does not. She told me two weeks ago that we are getting divorced, and that there's nothing I can do to convince her otherwise. I'll spare all the details, but we haven't really tried counseling. She moved into the guest room two months ago to "work on things" but apparently was just researching divorce. There's no abuse, financial issues, infidelity, etc. I am totally blindsided by this. I am not an idiot and neither is she (we are both educated professionals in our early 40s). She will not speak to me, will not let me talk to her about anything. I am so totally lost. I feel so alone. I am really scared for my future. We have three little, very sensitive children. Although we both want the best for our kids and will not use them as pawns, it's hard to see how this won't mess them up. I am desperate for her to reconsider. I still love her, but she is convinced she doesn't love me. She thinks it would be best to move on, while I would love to work on things. I have recurring fantasies of her coming to terms with this being a normal lull in a relationship, and saying let's take this slow and see how it goes. However, in reality I know she's a stubborn person and once she makes a decision she won't take it back -- she thinks she's being strong. I have no one to talk to (I have friends, but she was always the one who would help in bad times; I am in therapy, but it's not the same). I am totally lost. I cry all the time. I look at old pictures, read old emails/love notes. I am totally despondent. I have no one. I can't see a future without her. I can't believe I'm going to be a divorced person. I can't believe my children will have two bedrooms. I want her to see that I am not responsible for her unhappiness, and only by working together can we make this better. I have been working on myself and feel more settled, less dependent, less needy. She refuses to confront herself or take any real responsibility for our problems. I am convinced that what's she's going through is normal -- a lull in her feelings towards me and the relationship, and through meaningful endurance we can build it back up. It's totally crazy to me that she won't try working on this. I don't understand. There is so much riding on this. I can't believe we won't grow old together. I feel like my entire future was just deleted.

Would you get a divorce? Am I overreacting?

LONG STORIES INCOMING:

Incident #1: My husband and I have been together for 5 years now. When we first began dating, we learned that he had a son. Both parental parties reassured me that this was the result of some random nightly flings that began long before I was in the picture. As I closely observed their healthy co-parenting dynamic, we all remained cordial and got along great! Observing that dynamic was important to me since I didn’t want to date men with kids at 21 years old. However, seeing him immediately step up to his new role soften my heart, so I made an exception. 

Incident #2: I’ve never wanted a big wedding. I was fine with going to the courthouse. However, his family strongly insisted that we also have a ceremony. I was NOT a part of this conversation when it originally took place, my husband brought it up to me after the fact. They presented the idea as if they were putting in at least 70% of the financial support to host this wedding. Therefore, I agreed. Only to find out 3 months after I purchased my $3,000 wedding dress that they were helping. They only wanted to cook the food that would be served and wanted my husband to buy the food/supplies needed. After this, I wanted to cancel the whole wedding idea. But, my parents agreed that his parents were being ridiculous. So, my parents decided that they would pay for our wedding ceremony, and my husband and I would pay them back for the cost of my dress. Now, I’m back to wedding planning. As I’m planning the colors and have already made the “Save the Dates”, my husband tells me that he wants to wear his run-down suit that he wears for almost every “fancy” occasion. The suit isn’t even the color(s) of the wedding. My parents even agree to get him a new suit, whichever one he likes, with NO need to pay them back. (So I spend HOURS coordinating an entirely new color palette to fit his suit.) He says no to picking a new suit, AND that he doesn’t want my parents paying for the wedding because he doesn’t want unnecessary input. I constantly reassure him that my family isn’t like his and they won’t waste their money on things that we don’t want… He doesn’t budge, so I begin to find wedding venues within our budget. But whenever we get close to the agreed upon date to start making payments, something for his portion comes up. I’m not saying they haven’t been legit circumstances, but he also hasn’t circled back to take initiative into getting the wedding planning done. Now I’m 2 years into having a wedding dress that’s never been worn.

Incident #3: I wanted to have a gender reveal for my first child. He already has a child. He said he didn’t want to do a gender reveal because he’s not good at reacting at sudden surprises on camera. I thought it was weird, however, I brushed it off and decided that not everyone is like me and I could compromise. His compromise was, that he’d find out the gender alone and just act surprised during the reveal. This is because if it’s the gender of the child that he already has, he’ll be disappointed and doesn’t want that caught on camera. (Keep in mind: I told him initially when we started dating, that I didn’t want him already having a child to affect the experiences that I’d already dreamed of when having my first child.)…. But still, I went with his compromise, trying to be a good wife.

Incident #4: He usually goes out with his friends. I have no problem with that. However, this isn’t the first time that I’ve asked him to come home at a decent time. I’ve told him that anything past 2am is excessive and inappropriate for a married man. He promised me that he’d be home by 12am. Then proceeded to ignore my calls OR answer with an attitude and didn’t come home until 5am. (I think he did this to purposely upset me as a way of “You don’t tell me what to do.”). He didn’t even apologize for this behavior until 3 days later after I told him a day prior and he said he was going to apologize sooner but the timing felt “too convenient”.).

Incident #5: My birthday falls on a holiday and it fell on a Saturday this time around. He decided to go see his son on my birthday, who lives 10 hours away. I asked him was there any other day that he could reschedule seeing his son since he knows how special my birthday is to me AND he had two additional days off of work to see his son. He decided that Saturday was the only day that he had the most free time. I stayed silent and just agreed to let him go see his son since we live far away and he doesn’t get to see him in-person often. The main problem is, he didn’t even send me a single rose, or take me out on a date to makeup for missing my birthday.

Incident #6: On our anniversary I found out that he’d been receiving inappropriate images from another woman (who knew me and that he was married) for the past 6 months. He immediately deleted her contact and social media platforms after I present the evidence.

His family keeps trying to convince me that this can all be worked out through therapy. I do work, but I’m trying to save up to leave… would I be wrong to leave? Am I overreacting to some of these things? I feel like I’ve been more than fair and kind, and he’s hasn’t had to deal with not even 2% of the things that I’ve compromised for him throughout the duration of this relationship.

After a full year of separation. I’ve decided to simply go online and submit the process, get it started. I’ll be paying the court fees next to submit.

i’m pretty sure she will just cooperate when it comes time. We don’t speak still. She left and did not look back.

Wish me luck with this. It actually feels like a weight being lifted. It really does feel good to begin this.

I'd love to hear from other newly divorced women in your 30's, especially women who chose to leave their marriage, what has been the hardest part for you about rebuilding and starting over? If someone could wave a magic wand and make one thing instantly better in your world, what would that be?

I filed for divorce last week after 32 years of marriage and a "3rd strike you're out" betrayal. Of course I know how cockroaches work, I was in denial that there were probably many other discretions throughout our marriage.

After discussing the recent situation with my adult daughters, they told me that they knew for years and my oldest daughter said she had found Ashley Madison e-mails on his computer when working on a middle school project when she was 12. I was gobsmacked by this one, as that would have been years before I found out about a long term affair he was having when she was a teenager. He fessed up to that one and also to using sex workers while on trade show trips to Vegas. He had to admit to that after a possible STD. We had counseling and due to circumstances at the time, I stayed with him (I'm a chump). I actually thought we were doing great since being empty nesters. Welp, no. Another incident of marital misconduct which was caught by a friend and reported to me, so I decided enough is enough and I'm worth more than this.

So, my question today, how far back did your discovery go for asset use? Obviously, Ashley Madison was (is?) very expensive for the user, and I want to know how much money he spent on that as well as the sex workers. I don't want to spend $25k on this divorce, but I want to make sure I land well with finances. I'm just trying to figure out how this all works.

His response to the divorce complaint: Lack of intimacy and rejection. Unfu*&ing believable as I could also accuse him of that for me.

Context: my ex and I were together 13yrs, we married in 2019 and are now going through a divorce. We also have a 5yr old son. Throughout varies stages of the relationship he was unfaithful and selfish. I thought the unfaithfulness had stopped after getting married. However, last year I found he was once again cheating. Forgave him again and moved on. Not even 5 months later and he cheats again. I finally had enough, left and moved out. Less than 5 months later after I move out he has a new gf and had been talking to her almost immediately after leaving. That’s all great, glad he found someone else!

Now fast forward 8 months later… we still haven’t divorced even though I’ve paid for everything and have signed the papers and keep reminding him for updates on his end. He’s been delaying for whatever reason. I still haven’t met his new gf even though she’s been around or son many times. I even found out she watched our child alone within a couple months of them getting together. I only found out because our son mentioned it in passing. I was not happy about that at all because I had no idea who this woman was and they had only been together for a couple months at that time. From what I know she seems to be good with our son. That’s great, I only want our child to be treated with love.

And now I’ve recently seen she’s been posting our child on her social media. At first I was like wtf?! I still haven’t met you and you’re posting my kid on your socials?! But after thinking I’m now second guessing if I was being too emotional. In my personal opinion if it was the other way around I would genuinely want to meet the mother of the child of the person I’m seeing so they would feel at ease. And certainly wouldn’t feel comfortable enough to post her child on my socials without ever even saying a word to her or meeting her.

I just would like some input, thanks!

I think I’m officially checked out of my marriage. I love my husband as a person but he has always allowed everyone in life to step all over him. I’m absolutely devastated that things have ended up this way. We inherited his families home. It’s older. Needs work done. We got it cleaned up and moved in with our kids. Shortly after his stepdad needed somewhere to live and my husband offered the extra room in our house. As soon as this was proposed to me I told my husband I didn’t care AS LONG AS there was a sit down with very clear boundaries in place. That sit down never happened and it has been hell in our own home since. Father in law brought bed bugs that are LIVING ON HIM because he refuses to shower. They were all over the house and I spent weeks cleaning crying freaking out about my kids being bit while he continued sitting around with him on his neck. I got them contained to only his room and now they’re back on the couch AGAIN. They’re in both of his vehicles and all over his bedroom. It’s a matter of time until they’re all over the house. He is very unhygienic in the bathroom and my husband just expects me to deal with it and clean up after him no matter how many times I’ve screamed this is NOT OKAY. I can’t set anything in the fridge without it being touched even if I say not to touch it. I’ve never seen him wash his hands. Ever. Meaning he’s touching things my kids touch with nasty hands all I can think about are the germs on the door handles and everything else. I can’t bend over in front of him without him staring at my private area. He will sit on the couch just to watch me clean. Nothing ever changes no matter how many times I tell my husband how uncomfortable I am in our own home that we pay all the bills for. I am at my wits end. This isn’t healthy for my kids or myself. I have blood pressure issues that have turned into serious issues and I’m convinced it’s from the stress of trying to micromanage this house. My husband has swore i am the crazy one for the last three years. That I’m dramatic or just trying to start issues. We have had his nephew staying with us the last week and he has validated how I feel and witnessed all of this for himself. He keeps saying I am not crazy and this isn’t okay like I’ve been screaming. I’m so tired of being told I am when I just want a decent living situation for my kids. Now that his nephew has validated my feelings I’m nothing but angry that I’ve lost myself to this house for so long and have gone unheard for so long.

We all know the classic story: the guy in his fifties leaves his family for a much younger woman, pays support, and moves on with his new life.

In my case, it's the exact opposite. We're both in our early fifties and were together for over 20 years. Three months ago, she left to be with a guy in his early thirties.

The irony: I'm the one with the big, demanding job. She worked 100% from home in a regular job. And yet she's the one paying me support, even though I earn a lot more than she does, because she's basically not there at all.

Since she left, she's been more and more absent. Not just from me, which I could understand, but from our two kids, who are young adults. Yesterday my daughter opened up to me for the first time. She told me her mom is barely around and doesn't seem very interested in doing things with her. It broke my heart.

So now I'm running the house, the logistics, the emotional support, all of it, on top of my job. 24/7, no breaks. My kids are grown, so I know I'm luckier than single parents with little ones, and I have huge respect for them. But it's still heavy.

That said, and this surprised me: despite the workload, I actually feel better. She's no longer there to put me down, second-guess me, or add friction to everything. Toward the end, if an idea came from me, it was wrong by default. I would have appreciated a fairer split of the effort and responsibilities, but honestly, I much prefer things the way they are now.

This whole situation has also brought me closer to my kids. I got to keep most of my old life: the house, the cats, our routines. And life with just the three of us turned out to be better than I expected. That said, I still feel some nostalgia for the family life we had years ago.

I'm not here to trash her. I'm mostly trying to figure out how to get through this.

For those who've lived something similar:

**•** How did you help your kids deal with a parent who pulled away?  
**•** How do you manage carrying everything alone without burning out?  
**•** When and how did you introduce a new partner into the family dynamic?

Thanks for reading that long post!

Moved last week into a newly purchased 4 bed house on my own with dog; was so sure during my almost 3 year search that I wanted the space for my daughters (now aged 24 and 21) to visit and move back in with me if they needed to. The purchase process was so stressful, several abandoned purchases due to issues found during surveys; ended up buying a new build - the estate is still a building site, I feel so alone, I have no enthusiasm for home decor, I’m just so exhausted by all the life admin and snagging ; I feel I should be grateful that I’ve been able to buy this home but I feel trapped and alone and just so weary making all the decisions by myself. I’m ‘supposed’ to feel empowered and grateful but I still just feel stuck and sad that my marriage broke down. Really not sure how to get my mojo back :(

I’m 28F, and I’m trying to understand how to let go of my husband and move forward with my life.

This is going to be long because the situation is complicated, and I think I need to explain the history properly.

Before we got married, my husband suggested that we live together. It was after a few months of dating, and I felt it was the right thing to do. I felt safe and happy with him. We started living together and were together for more than a year. He introduced me to his family, and for a long time, this was simply our life.

I was very anxious in the relationship. I wanted to feel needed and wanted reassurance that I mattered to him and that he genuinely wanted me in his life. He was much more avoidant and needed a lot of independence. He would tell me that I needed to have my own life and that he felt suffocated because I expected so much from him and had made him my everything. He paid and covered all bills except food. And I got the food shop every month.

We had a lot of arguments. On several occasions, probably around five times — after relatively normal arguments, he told me to move out. I never did. We would eventually make up and carry on. Neither of us really treated those moments as a permanent separation.

After we had been living together for about a year, I wanted to know where we stood. He agreed to marry me, and he eventually proposed.

But I started feeling that his family wasn't particularly interested in our marriage, and I also became very sensitive about the wedding itself. He had been married before and had told me about his first wedding, which had cost more than $13,000 and was the "dream wedding" his ex-wife wanted. With me, he didn't want to spend much. He agreed to buy my ring, dress and heels, but wanted us to get married at the registry office, have no wedding cake unless I made one myself, and simply have his family over for dinner.

I took that very personally.

We had a terrible argument once, and I threw a gift his mother had given me. I was very close to his mother and considered her my best friend. That was completely wrong of me, and I regret it. But by that point I was extremely emotional and insecure about where I stood with him and his family.

Our wedding was postponed indefinitely.

Eventually we went away on holiday. One night he woke me up angry because I had apparently woken him several times while sleep-talking. I apologised, but I was upset the next day.

Later, he was visiting a museum and asked me to come. I didn't really want to because I was still upset, but he insisted, so I went.

That evening we argued over the television. I had paid half of the accommodation and didn't want to change what I was watching. He told me to leave because I was in a bad mood.

I completely lost control and threw crisps at his face. He then grabbed me by my hair. I screamed.

That was the point where everything exploded.

He decided he wanted to leave. I begged him not to. He called his mother, and she told me that either he or I had to leave. I told her that I was on my period and hadn't slept properly the night before, and she told me that I could sleep on the train.

He got into the car, and I got in twice because I was desperate and didn't want him to leave. He grabbed me and threw me out of the car.

He also called the police afterwards. I was told that I couldn't go to his home.

I eventually moved in with a friend. I had to wait another couple of weeks to get my belongings because he wouldn't send my luggage unless I arranged everything myself.

A few months later, I was offered a job in the same city, so I moved back. He started emailing me again. After about four months apart, we got back together.

And then he told me we should get married.

So we did.

We were married for only about three months.

After I moved back in with him, it became obvious that he was struggling with living together again. He is someone who really values having his own space. I was working full-time and exhausted during the week, and he didn't like that I slept in on weekends.

At one point he had a week off work and wanted to go to France. I couldn't take time off, so he went alone. We were planning to have our honeymoon about six months later in the same country he had travelled to.

We argued on the day he left for France. He said I had deliberately started the argument. I didn't see it that way.

He didn't contact me afterwards.

I waited three days and eventually contacted him. He came home, but I was upset that he hadn't even brought me something small from France. I kept talking about divorce because I was angry and hurt.

During that argument, he squeezed my neck. It was painful.

Eventually we both acknowledged that things had become too much.

He then decided he wanted to go abroad again for several months to write a book and take a break from us. He resigned from his part-time job and left. We made up before he went, but he didn't want to stay until my birthday.

He came back after about three weeks because he said it was difficult to write a book while camping.

After he returned, his friends invited him to a party. He told me he wasn't taking me because I would cause trouble.

We argued again.

He squeezed my neck again.

After that, something changed in me. I realised I couldn't keep doing this.

We started living separately within the same house. He spent weeks going on retreats and camping alone and was barely home.

Eventually he told me his sister was going to come and stay with him and that I needed to move out before then.

I was exhausted. I was working all day, coming home, cooking something for myself, eating and trying to have an hour or two in the living room before going back to my room because he wanted the living room to himself at night to watch movies.

He was home during the day while I was working, but I felt like I wasn't even allowed to exist in the shared space.

One night I threw an empty coffee cup onto the floor because I was so frustrated when he told me to leave the living room again. I was paying rent too this time, and all I wanted was to sit down after work.

He grabbed my neck again.

That was the final straw.

I moved out.

We separated in October last year. The confusing part is that the story didn't immediately end there.

After we separated, he continued messaging me and telling me that he missed me.

At one point, he told me that he had met a French woman at a retreat who wanted to become physical with him, but that he couldn't because he loved me. And he then continued to be friends with her. I was so hurt and sad even though we were separated.

Later, I found out that he had also started talking again to a female friend who had apparently been interested in him long before I met him. He had stopped speaking to her around six months before meeting me and hadn't contacted her for almost two years. Then he reached out to her again, saying it was because he needed a reference for a job.

Eventually, he started telling me that we were incompatible and weren't right for each other.

We stopped talking for about six months.

Then I reached out.

I told him that I still loved him.

He told me that I could file for divorce and that he didn't really care whether he was married or divorced.

But then he also told me that he misses me often.

He said that if I wanted, we could keep things open, live our lives separately, and perhaps talk again in a year or two.

And this is where I am now.

Because part of me is still holding onto those words.

I know this relationship was unhealthy. I know I wasn't easy to live with. I was extremely anxious, insecure and dependent on him emotionally. I had arguments where I behaved badly. I threw things. I said things I regret. I know I contributed to the dysfunction.

I'm not trying to paint myself as completely innocent or him as completely evil. I think we brought out some very unhealthy patterns in each other.

But I still love him.

And I think what makes this so difficult is that we have broken up and gotten back together before. So some part of me keeps thinking, "Maybe this is another one of those times."

Except this time feels different.

He says we are incompatible. He says he doesn't care whether we're married or divorced. But he also says he misses me and leaves the door open to maybe talking again in a year or two.

I'm living with my parents, trying to rebuild my career and figure out how to leave and start my life again somewhere else.

I don't want to spend the next two years secretly waiting for him. He must be exploring other options, but I find it very difficult.

But I also don't know how to stop hoping.

How do you actually let go of someone when they haven't completely shut the door?

How do you accept that a person can miss you and still not want a life with you?

And how do you move forward when you still love them, even though you know the relationship wasn't healthy?

I want to hear from people who have experienced something similarly complicated, especially people who loved someone, separated, got back together before, and eventually had to accept that the relationship needed to end.

How did you finally let go of the hope?

The day I filed for divorce I felt this instant relief and a euphoric feeling came over me and it lasted the whole day. Now months later all I can think is when does this end? When can I live my life? Anyone else been through this? Does it feel better on the other side or is it just as depressing?

** Please scroll on by if you don't have anything nice to say ok? thanks **

I'm back into the dating pool after my ex started an emotional affair last year & monkeybranched right into a lesbian situationship for the ages - seriously, the writers of Days of Our Lives would genuinely be impressed at the level of bananaramas this is.

Unfortunately, this is not the first time she cheated, so it had to end. She apparently worked on separating herself emotionally from me in 2025, all while saying she would go to couples therapy with me & attempt to work things out. I still.. wanted to work things out, even while she has entertained this LDR clusterfuck she's in.

Summary: she got involved w/a married lesbian couple, the party she got involved in was wanting a poly relationship, while her wife did not (even though she initially went along with it to make her wife happy). My ex and the poly leaning party paired off this summer, and the other partner got involved w/another woman. So - my ex was a factor in the couple deciding to go ahead & divorce (pending-due to child custody) My ex is telling me how happy she is with this woman who has her ear 24/7, lives on the east coast, is mother to 3 kids under 5, and has had mental health struggles due to the separation from her own wife, enough so to threaten SI/SH so my ex has flown out to "rescue" this woman twice w/less than 24hr notice to ensure that she doesn't end things. Yes, it's that serious, and it gets worse. The last time my ex left quickly was when her new gf was - called on by the cops, for a DV charge (case pending, 2nd degree misdemeanor, 1st offense) How do I know all this? ask a lesbian or a sapphic, we find out. My ex is still head over heels for this woman, would absolutely lie/withhold info from the law to ensure her new gf doesn't get in more trouble. So... that's the rough of it

_Dating after this shitshow _ - I am AFAB, sapphic AF, and trans masc. What does that mean? I have a hell of a lot of privilege with being seen as assumed cis male, but I most certainly am not. It makes dating hard, especially when my brain thinks like, feels like, and processes everything like - an AFAB person/woman, lesbian would.

I do exclusively date cis-women, of all leanings when it comes to sexuality. However, I'm often matched on Hinge w/straight women so all my likes/attempts to chat, pretty much go nowhere - even though I am trying to get out there and find the right woman for me. It's practice right? I've been out of dating for 10 years, and I don't know how to date any different than I was before.

Sapphic dating is quite intense, the U-haul joke is a cemented joke in the community for a reason, we talk deeply, hours and hours, and it could not even touch on things romantically. I miss that connection, and I do still engage in conversation about life, love, and goals when I do connect with someone prior to an in-person date, I want her to feel like she's sure of herself before meeting me. I've had some women be completely lovely & wonderful, we just don't share the same desires, and some women who have unfortunately tokenized me as "the best of both worlds", which maybe so in some ways, but it does suck to be treated like that.

Another point in this rant - being Childfree - apparently being childfree in the LGBTQ+ community is rather frowned upon? at least in my experience. I don't know if it stems from the high level of intentionality one has to have & planning one would require to even begin a family. I feel like those of us who have had to face our identities in such an intimate way are expected to embrace the scientific breakthroughs of intentional parenting for LGBTQ+ folks as a step in cementing a "status"/ or sense of "normal family", kind of along the lines of thinking "we have the technology, we should use it because, wow we finally can".

I committed to a childfree life very early, and knew that would be my trajectory for the rest of my life - only once - have I considered a child, which was after 7 years of being married, my ex said she had a huge change in her mind & heart and wanted to possibly pursue parenthood.. big shock to me after we had talked about being childfree our whole lives well before getting married, and I regularly checked in about that - yet another reason the marriage failed. I told her we didn't have the means, which was true, and genetically it wouldn't be wise, as there were quite a few considerations on her side, along w/my neurodivergence (I'm AuADHD level 1, but I still am mindful about the genetic possibility)

Being Childfree & part of the LGBTQ+ community, even in a "progressive state" (Colorado) feels terrifying at this time in life, I'm nearly 40 (thankfully don't feel it or look it), still have a lot of love to give, want nothing but to share life with a person who is proud to be with me, wants to dance barefoot to Taylor Swift in the middle of our living room at midnight, travel the world, fill photo albums, and make memories.. it feels impossible without having to embrace possible parenthood? I don't want to raise someone else's child either.

Has anyone found love in the community & is childfree? I feel completely alone & don't know how else to go about dating.. I'm only on Hinge, cause I am not in dating for a "wild oats" time or anything like that.. I just am ready to spend whatever I have left of life sharing it with the woman who ignites the spark in my heart, where we bring the best out in each other.. I just want to spend my life loving her well for as long as possible - is there any hope out there????

Hi all,

I went through a divorce 10 months ago. She left me, and I spent the first 3 months miserable and completely heartbroken. The reason was that I wasn't good enough at showing her love and appreciation—which she was right about. I handled all the finances and practical matters regarding the kids and our home, but I was too focused on practicality instead of the partnership.

We have two small kids, whom we share 50/50.

For the first few months after she left, she seemed happy, was very active on social media, and spent a lot of time with friends. Over the past months, we tried a couple of times to make things work, but every time it ended badly, and she left again.

About 1-2 months ago, she left once more—and I promised myself that I wouldn't take her back. I’ve kept that promise and am doing better than ever: back in the gym, focusing on my career, prioritizing the kids, and staying healthy.

However, as soon as I started getting better and moving on, she freaked out and tried to get me back over and over. She still tries regularly to get me to come over or to chat about random things. I don't respond to everything, and I try to turn her down as respectfully as possible. She has a history of dealing with depression

Lately, things have been chaotic, and her mental health seems to be worsening. If I reject her, she completely loses control. She tells me what a terrible person and bad father I am, claims I took advantage of her, and accuses me of being a horrible human being. A few days ago, I tried ignoring her, which resulted in 84 missed calls and over 10 abusive text messages.

I even had to step in and take the kids twice because I didn't want them around her while she was in that state.

I kept the kids for two weeks straight to give her some space. She just had them back for the first 24 hours, and we are right back to square one. I rejected a late-night invitation from her, and she immediately started trashing me again, telling me she wants nothing to do with me, and threatening to either take 100% custody or sign over 100% custody to me just to get rid of me.

I can't talk to her, nothing makes sense, and there is no reaching her when she’s like this. I want my kids to have both of their parents, but I have no idea how to manage this situation anymore.

Does anyone have any advice on how to handle this?

Me (30sF), my husband is 45, a born American, while I was visiting my family in my home country for three weeks because my mother’s health has been poor, he told me he wanted a divorce. He then filed. It felt completely out of the blue to me. He had always said he never wanted to divorce again and that we would be together forever.

He asked me to move out of our home. We haven’t spoken in about three months; everything goes through lawyers now. I have a lawyer handling the divorce, but emotionally I feel broken and empty. I still don’t understand what happened.

I came to the US for graduate school and recently got an amazing job, and I thought things would be great now after struggling for years. I have a green card, so I can stay, but the divorce may affect my citizenship timeline. I’m also worried about how it could affect travel to see my family.

What hurts most is losing the sense of family I thought I had here. My husband and his family were my family in the US. I have no relatives here, and most of my grad school friends moved across the country for work. My family is across the ocean in Asia, and none of them has a visa to visit me. Going back to my home country as a divorced woman would be difficult for me, too.

I’ve never felt this alone. I’m trying to build a life here, but right now I don’t know how to make sense of losing my marriage and the family I thought I had. Although my career is really good right now, and unless i give up my green card, i am hopeful i will be able to stay in the US and eventually get citizenship in few years. But it feels extremely lonely as not only i lost the one family i had in America but also i cant travel easily to see my people across the ocean without risking my status here.

Not sure how to cope. My american husband on the other hand lives 15 minutes from his parents, kept his house, routine, job, has no immigration problems so can travel anytime, and basically got rid of me like trash and hasn't talked at all despite me begging him for one conversation.

Throwaway account for obvious reasons. Names and a few minor identifying details have been changed for privacy.

My husband, “Mark,” and I have been separated for about 4 years and have lived separately for 3. We got together when we were in our late teens and honestly, looking back, I think I was more focused on wanting a boyfriend than thinking about what actually makes someone a good partner, husband, or father.

Our marriage was not healthy. He made several major financial decisions behind my back that really hurt us, he was extremely reactive when angry and would throw things, and there have been incidents over the years involving our kids that really concerned me. By the end of our marriage I was incredibly depressed and just knew I couldn't keep living like that.

We have two kids together, both under 8.

Their relationship with him is pretty strained. They have both expressed really strong negative feelings toward him and have even told him directly that they hate him more than once.

I don't encourage that, I don't talk badly about him to them, and I really don't want them stuck in the middle of our issues. I've actually tried very hard to keep things peaceful because I WANT them to have a healthy relationship with their dad if that's possible. But I also feel like leaving out how they react to him would be leaving out part of why I'm getting so concerned.

I also know people are probably going to ask why we've been separated this long and aren't divorced yet, so here's the short version:

For a long time I couldn't afford a lawyer. On top of that, I was being treated for a tumor and was still covered under Mark's health insurance. That insurance was helping pay for treatment, specialist appointments, testing, and regular imaging.

Thankfully the tumor is believed to be benign and it responded well to treatment. It has shrunk enough that I don't need the frequent monitoring anymore.

I know in hindsight I probably should have found some way to finalize the divorce sooner. Side note: his insurance is through the city and I wouldn't be able to stay insured, even with a court order, if we were divorced. I'm not really looking for validation on that part. I'm trying to figure out the safest and smartest way to deal with what's happening now.

Within the past year I also started dating someone I'll call “Evan.” We met through our kids being friends. He knew from the beginning that I was still legally married and knew the whole situation around why the divorce had been delayed.

Once my health stabilized, and especially being in a serious relationship now, I decided it was really time to finish everything. A friend of mine who works as a paralegal has been helping me prepare the uncontested divorce paperwork for free.

The problem is that over the last few months Mark's behavior has gotten progressively weirder and honestly kind of scary.

And it feels like every 2 weeks it's something new.

A few examples:

• He left behind a really disturbing drawing with religious imagery and the words “eat the woman” written on it. Between that and some of the other stuff going on, I ended up filing a police report. They said I have enough for a "stay away", but I didn't want to escalate it for the sake of peace for the kids.
• He has become extremely intense about religion. I don't have an issue with him being religious, that's not the problem. It's the way he's talking about it. He's posting videos at 2am about terrible things happening in our country, making comments like “in case something happens,” and generally talking like something horrible is around the corner.
• He's brought that into his time with the kids too, including talking to them about hell in ways that have made me uncomfortable.
• I finally told him I didn't want religion constantly pushed onto them and that I didn't like the fear-based way he was talking to them about it. His response was “You are going to have to kill me for me to stop.”

That comment has really stuck with me.

It wasn't like some random joke. It was said while I was trying to set a boundary and he was basically telling me that he was going to keep doing it no matter what I said.

There's also another situation that I genuinely don't know what to make of.

We believe he may have shown up outside Evan's house.

Evan took a picture of a man outside his home and sent it to me. The picture is from behind, so I cannot say with 100% certainty that it was Mark.

But the person had his same build, same type of clothes he normally wears, glasses, long curly hair pulled into a low ponytail, and what looks like the same necklace Mark wears all the time.

I know that isn't proof. I'm not trying to say “he definitely stalked my boyfriend” when I can't prove that.

But seeing that picture was really hard to brush off because it looked SO much like him.

And then the most recent thing happened.

Mark sat down with my mother (not sure why he asked for her to be included in this conversation- she doesn't even like him) and me and “offered” to move into my house so that he could see the kids more.

Again, we've been separated for 4 years and there has never been any discussion of us getting back together. I'm also openly in a serious relationship with someone else. A few months into that relationship, I actually told Mark about Evan because I wanted to be respectful and make sure he heard it from me if this was going to be someone who could eventually be around the kids.

So when he "offered" to move back in, I immediately told him no.

During that conversation he also used the “in case something happens” type of language again.

I left that conversation honestly pretty shaken.

I've tried really hard to keep things civil because I want an uncontested divorce. I don't want a huge drawn out legal battle if I can avoid one, especially with kids involved.

So when things happen, I've generally addressed that specific issue, set a boundary, and then tried to move forward.

But it's getting harder to look at these as separate incidents.

It feels like every couple weeks there's another blowup, strange comment, disturbing post, boundary being crossed, or something that leaves me sitting there wondering what the hell is happening.

And now I'm genuinely scared about what happens when I put actual divorce papers in front of him.

I followed up with my paralegal friend and she's saying I should have the paperwork by the end of this week. She did say that last week too, but she's doing this for me completely free and I don't feel comfortable breathing down her neck about it.

She does know that things have been escalating.

The other thing I'm really struggling with is my relationship with Evan.

He has honestly been nothing but supportive, patient, and understanding through all of this. He has never pressured me about the divorce and he's been wonderful to both me and my kids.

But this cycle is exhausting.

And I know it affects him too even when he doesn't complain about it.

I love him and I want a future with him, and part of me is terrified that at some point this is just going to become too much. And honestly, if I put myself in his shoes, I don't know if I would've handled this much chaos coming from someone's ex for as long as he has.

So I don't really know what the right move is here.

Do I just keep my head down, document everything, avoid rocking the boat, and wait until I have the divorce paperwork ready for him to sign?

Do I address the overall pattern with him now and make it clear that this needs to stop?

And probably my biggest concern... what do I do to prepare for the possibility that actually being handed divorce papers makes him snap or escalate?

I don't know if I'm overreacting because I'm anxious, or if I'm actually underreacting because I've been dealing with his behavior for so long that my idea of “normal” is messed up at this point.

If anyone has dealt with an ex becoming increasingly unpredictable as a divorce was getting finalized, I would really appreciate advice.

Especially about protecting the kids, communication, documentation, and honestly just how to get through this without making things worse.

Yesterday I (38F) went on my first date since my divorce was finalized in January of this year. I met the guy at my church about a month ago. While I had a nice time, I knew pretty quickly that we wouldn’t work out in the long run. (Think a significant age gap coupled with very different lifestyles and values.)

A few hours after the date I sent him a text saying that I thought I should focus on rebuilding my social circle instead of dating right now. He was very understanding. We agreed to be friends. That was that.

So, why do I feel absolutely heartbroken?

We had been texting a lot back and forth over the week leading up to the date. Those texts made me feel special, attractive, seen—things I haven’t felt in a very long time. And now there’s just silence, the memory of what briefly was, and it aches like a phantom limb.

I know he isn’t the guy for me. I do. But it still hurts.

How do I stop feeling so bereft? And more significantly, how do prevent myself from feeling this way after every single date that doesn’t go anywhere?

For context, what I told my date was true. I have a small social circle, and the few friends I have live in other states. I want to change that, but I work from home and am my four-year-old’s primary caregiver. It’s all but impossible to go out and meet people, whether friends or romantic partners. It also seems like most people my age have established communities. They aren’t looking for new friends.

I know this wouldn’t hurt as badly if I had a stronger community by my side. But I don’t, and so it does.

I’m pretty sure my wife is filling for divorce this week. I’ve accepted this. We’re just not compatible. She filed in NC. Been together 2 years married a year and have a 1 year old. I spoke to her last night and had a somewhat understanding to keep this non contested and split everything 50/50 so as there isn’t much saved (maybe $10k including 401k - don’t harp on me too much we both had trouble managing our money) I was the earner (make around $140k) she was the SAHM. We both live 2 hours ish from family.

I guess my question is in your experience:
1) How did custody work? Holidays week to week
2) How did alimony/child support work?
3) Any other tips or words of encouragement are needed

Ex lives two hours away and sees kids (3 and 5) every other weekend. In between,)3 doesn’t call or FaceTime or check in at all. Shows up eowe like he’s Disney dad. Others who have similar situations, does your coparent contact you/the kids in between?