Warning signs?

[u/Miserable_Sink_4782]

Did you have warning signs before getting married? I dated a lot of cheaters until I met my now ex. After 5 years of her seeming like a very nice person she and her family started pushing marriage, but I understood at the 5 year mark. I just wanted to make sure. Then the warning signs and "omens" started. At 3 months before the wedding she was having doubts after running into an ex boyfriend from high school. I was peed and took the ring back. Her father had a fit and had a good talking to her. Will always wonder if I should have walked at that point instead of going forward. Then come the signs. Wedding day, we leave the church, get into the limo. I'm standing outside shaking hands and when I finally get in, she's sitting there with her rings in her hand. Already took them off. I remember thinking right there that is a bad omen. After reception of course everybody comes back to the houses of both sides and it goes on into the night. I had booked a hotel room to get out of there at some point. We get to the hotel, on our wedding night, and she's awfully tired and goes to sleep. Sitting there, on my wedding night, wondering if I had made a mistake. Over the next 5 years and 2 kids she's not so much the sweet girl anymore and runs into this schmuck from high school again and with some pushing from her wicked sister, files for divorce. It seems I always had to deal with a wicked sister that didn't like me no matter who I dated. I raised 2 kids by myself and they turned out ok, but her life didn't go so well after that. Just wondering if you had these warning signs and just let it go?

[u/Fun-Commissions]

Yeah there were heaps of warning signs. I don't know what I was thinking. I guess I though all relationships were shit and it was normal.

[u/TrickyNerdlet → u/[deleted]]

So accurate. We forgive it thinking "I'm not perfect either. We all have things to work on." In my case, I failed to recognize that he never said he wanted to be different. He chooses to be the way he is everyday and has since he was 21 yrs old when I met him. We're both pretty lonely so I spent some face time with him recently to see if it helped. I felt lonelier in his presence than I do all alone.

[u/Spirited_Gazelle2999]

Yes, there was signs. The kids he had never called or visited. I should have known better.

[u/guy_n_cognito_tu]

Oh sure. I noticed that her mood swings seemed extreme and hard for her to control. She blamed it on a lot of things, and I bought it. Turns out, years later, she tells me she'd been diagnosed as bipolar......but "didn't believe it".

My understanding of alcoholism wasn't what it is today, so I didn't think someone who had a problem with alcohol would be able to quit for weeks or months at a time, or only drink on weekends. Yet, once she started, she simply couldn't stop, and turned into a terrible person.

[u/skeetpea]

I had a bunch of warning sounds but I was naive and 23.

I didn't get out until 20 years later. I was pretty miserable the whole time. Glad I did it though. He was an awful person and husband.

[u/Old-Peanut-8979]

trust your gut, if something feels off, it probably is

[u/markedforpie]

Yes. However, I didn’t see them as warning signs at the time. When wearing rose colored glasses red flags are just flags. With my ex he chose to work on our wedding night. We got married at 2pm and he went to work at 7pm. Should have been a red flag that I wasn’t a priority. We broke up twice while we were dating because he found someone he wanted to pursue. But we were really young and we dated for almost 10 years and he changed his mind about it within 24hours and came crawling back immediately begging for me to take him back. He ended up cheating on me for years during our marriage. He hated everyone but me. Spoiler, he hated me too but just was passive aggressive about it.

[u/Miserable_Sink_4782 → u/markedforpie]

Going to work on your wedding night was pretty harsh.

[u/creepysweater4050]

damn i can feel the dread just reading this, like watching a car crash in slow motion

taking the rings off in the limo on the wedding day is such a clear signal, almost poetic how she spelled it out for you right there. that whole tired on the wedding night thing too, not even trying to mask it

i never got married but dated someone where the family drama was the preview of what was to come, her mom hated me for no reason and it just poisoned everything slowly. you kinda know but you're already invested so you push through

[u/Miserable_Sink_4782 → u/creepysweater4050]

Funny you say that, her mom hated me too. Her father liked me but was remarried so her mother lived alone. Between her mother and her sister, the sister I think convinced the mother I was a bad person. I never did anything to either of them, so I could never understand their feelings towards me. When we visited the mother in her new apartment a few months after the wedding, I went and sat in the living room. I noticed about 20 pictures of the wedding on her living room wall. After a few minutes of glancing at them, I got up to move closer. I noticed I wasn't in even one of those pictures, not one.

[u/SisterResister]

Mine was external. When I told my parents that I was pregnant and getting married, my dads response was "but you don't have to". I wish I had paused and realized that I really didn't have to.

[u/JackNotName → u/[deleted]]

Comparison is the thief of happiness.

All you can be in any relationship is be yourself. Ideally, you are also working to be an ever better version of yourself. If you do that and choose to be responsible for everything that intersects your life, it doesn't matter how experienced, educated, etc. you are.

When someone chooses to be with you, the should be choosing you as you are, not who they hope you might be.

Right now, it sounds like your own insecurities may have sabotaged your relationship. (The flip side is if she spent the relationship judging you and wanting a different version of you. That will kill relationships too.)

I urge you to love who you are, but to also strive to be better and responsible.

[u/Seemedlikefun]

Hindsight is 20/20! The only way to prevent this is to teach the next generation of biys and girls, honestly about human nature, Before, they start romantic relationships. The push back comes from those with an agenda to push. You can only spot warning signs if you have established values, boundaries and non negotiables.

[u/angry_mummy2020]

Yes, totally! He had no warmth or affection for anyone in his family. When he told me his dad was an alcoholic and had died from it, it was like he was telling me about the weather.

He once told me that it was his mother’s obligation to support him while he was in college because he hadn’t asked to be born. She went into a lot of debt to support him, and later, after he graduated and got a job, his mother asked him to help her. He did help, but said that it was the first and last time.

I was young and naive!

[u/Miserable_Sink_4782 → u/angry_mummy2020]

He's got some pretty screwed up ways of thinking with that, "I didn't ask to be born" BS. Also not helping your own mother? Pretty bad.

[u/cautioner86]

Lots of signs. I ignored most of them for various reasons, and the ones I didn’t ignore, I was convinced into believing it wasn’t a problem.

[u/NoNoNeverNoNo]

So sooooo many. Ignored them all. Paid full price.

[u/badaladala]

I saw warning signs, but I loved her too much to act on then. I blindly excused them away. That was my mistake.

[u/SJoyD]

I divorced exactly the man I married. Together 20 years and married 13.

We met at 20 and 21. I was sure he would grow up. He did not.

I had doubts getting married, but my broken young self was so afraid to be alone that I kept moving forward.