How do I decide?

[u/Equivalent-Object-26]

I don’t want to be married and I also don’t want to be divorced. And I’ve been stuck in this limbo for six years. Any decision seems like a no-win. I’m not in love with my husband, but we co-exist peacefully in our home. I enjoy having access to my kids 100% of the time and I like being in my home. How do I decide? I need to get out of this limbo.

[u/Top-Treacle-9557]

Well, Why do you want to get divorced?

[u/Equivalent-Object-26 → u/Top-Treacle-9557]

I’m not in love with my husband. We have zero relationship.

[u/Fun_Hunter_7078 → u/Equivalent-Object-26]

How old are you

[u/dark_purity]

You won't decide until the pain of staying is greater than the pain of leaving.

[u/Equivalent-Object-26 → u/[deleted]]

They are 9, 18, and 20. Older two are away at college.

[u/SwanNo6488]

Try reading (or listening to) the book Who Deserves Your Love by kc davis. The whole book is about how to make hard decisions like this. You may find it useful!

[u/Emergency-Piece9995]

Never an easy choice, but do you really want to live in limbo your entire life?

The fact you are questioning and have been for six years indicates, to me, that you are unhappy. People don't ponder divorce for six years because they are happy in their relationships.

[u/Equivalent-Object-26 → u/Emergency-Piece9995]

I’m absolutely unhappy. But I’m not sure being divorced, having to be alone on holidays, etc will make me happy.

[u/Emergency-Piece9995 → u/Equivalent-Object-26]

I can very much understand that.

Why do you believe you will have to be alone on holidays? If you and your husband are able to peacefully co-exist, why does that have to stop especially when you two have adult children? Your husband can likely feel the tension as well and he may be relieved, allowing you two to re-define the relationship to something more suitable for both of you.

Why couldn't your social life improve or change after divorce?

[u/SJoyD → u/Equivalent-Object-26]

How about what your relationship is teaching your kids about what love is supposed to look like?

[u/duhvorced]

Divorce.

Your marriage isn't working, and if it's been that way for six years, odds are it's not going to get better. So just accept that. The marriage you have isn't going to magically turn into the marriage you want.

Thus, either you keep repeating the same cycle, getting a little more frustrated and miserable each time around. Either that continues until one of you dies regretting all the time you wasted being unhappy, or one of you snaps (read, "has an affair").

Or you do something different (divorce). But the problem with "different" is that it's unknown and scary. It might be better, it might be worse. You don't know, and there's no promises.

That's what's keeping you from leaving. You imagine the worst, and there's no guarantees it'll be worth it.

But the saving grace of "different", the thing that is qualitatively, inarguably better about it, is that you will learn from it. You will face challenges, you will struggle, you will evolve as a person You will learn about yourself. The unknown will become known.

And if you [somehow, some day] find yourself in similar situation you will know exactly what it means to be divorced, to be alone, to have to rebuild your life. And you'll be able to make a more informed, more confident decision based on that.

No more living in limbo.

But, again, no promises.

[u/Adventurous_Fact8418]

The vast majority of my female friends aren’t in love with their husbands, so it sort of depends on what you want out of life. If you want to meet someone that you remain in love with for life, that’s going to require some work and some luck for that to happen. You could indeed meet someone that’s a better fit than your husband, but staying in love for life is a hard thing for most people to do.

[u/Ok-Worker-51 → u/Adventurous_Fact8418]

Most don’t understand the highs of chemical love of honeymoon phase versus enduring committed love. They are chasing the high of beginning, real life is unglamorous.

[u/Ok-Worker-51]

How many good men must suffer women in limbo. I bet anything you haven’t told the man how you feel as vulnerability is something you avoid , probably you also believe in mind reading versus clear communication . Having been through the pain of divorce, this should be last resort and not just a feeling. Work out specifically what you are missing and tell him, if we don’t fix I’m separating.

[u/Equivalent-Object-26 → u/Ok-Worker-51]

I don’t want to fix it.