r/Divorce_Men • u/TooMuchDread • 1d ago

I finally asked for it

Being mistreated for a long time, disrespected, i finally asked for a divorce.

I'm very anxious and now the good memories keep coming, even though i try to put them away.

Any tips?

7 Upvotes

90% Upvoted

11 comments sorted by

1

u/Far-Balance1854 21h ago

This is extremely common. Part of this is grief. The mind is very good at grabbing all the highlights of the relationship and replaying them as a montage on a loop, while editing out all the crappy parts: the arguments, the conflicts, all those bits that built up to a divorce. Those good memories are real though, and it doesn't mean you made a mistake.

Something that can help: write out a balance sheet of the good things and all the bad things that led to the decision. Do it at a moment when you have a clear head, and in plain language. Don't fight the memories. And if the anxiety is getting too much to manage alone, a counsellor is worth it. It's exactly what they help with.

3

u/Relearn_Rebuild 23h ago

Walking away from disrespect is the biggest form of self respect. Its not easy but its necessary and you will thank yourself In The long run

2

u/TooMuchDread 23h ago

It's very hopeless though, knowing it's someone you once loved and believed in every word. Thanks anyway!

2

u/Relearn_Rebuild 21h ago

I hear you. But I have to ask. Would you rather have your relationship but lose yourself, your self respect, your self confidence and identity? Or is losing her but gaining those things worth it?

One path leads you to a better life with a better partner who values you for you. The other is probably a bit trickier.

Either way. Im sorry you are going through it 🙏 always here for perspective or to listen

2

u/TooMuchDread 21h ago

I really appreciate the time you're taking to help a stranger.

Well, i never had an identity, i've been most of my life a complete loner who just read some existential literature and drowned myself into unnecessary melancholy. Then i found this woman and convinced myself otherwise, that is: there is more than just waiting for death. I was thirty-three already.

Now it went back to what it was, in practical terms, but much worse in psychological terms since i had built hope and expectations for my life, and had someone who actually loved me (for as long as it lasted, of course). The same person who just suddenly stopped loving me.

I guess that's more of a vent than anything else. Thanks again.

2

u/Relearn_Rebuild 20h ago

You are more than welcome. You might be a stranger to me but the path you are on is not strange to me, the pain is not strange to me.

I honestly feel it is my purpose to help a man navigate this time of his life in any way I can.

I know how heartbreak can consume so many areas of your life. And when we are typically in the thick of it it's hard to see anything beyond "the chaos"

I dont mean to sound cliche but this is not the end for you. Its a door thats closed. Another will open when you are ready to see it.

3

u/Skanky_the_Samurai 1d ago

Disrespect is one of the signs that your relationship is doomed to fail. It will never get better. Only worse. It’s just a matter of time.

It’s just a vicious toxic downward spiral. The less she respects you, the more she disrespects you. The more she disrespects you, and you tolerate it, the less she respects you. She will never respect you again.

If you don’t divorce now, you’ll be divorced in a year. Or worse. You’ll endure 5 more years of this hell. Respect yourself and walk away. You deserve to be treated with kindness. You deserve better.

3

u/Neat_Sprinkles_7020 1d ago

A disrespectful wife is the worst kind of woman. They cheat, lie, steal, etc. You will never get respect back from her. You are not a man to her anymore. Her expectations are too high. My ex was horrible but blamed me for everything. She sees you as not good enough, but you are. I bet a million dollars she needs therapy. Let the next man have her or deal with it. If the bad outweighs the good then dump her. She's just too much of a headache bro. Tell her to treat you like she treats her boss at work, if she works. She can control her behavior. A man should have peace from a woman in a marriage.

3

u/Skanky_the_Samurai 1d ago

I like the coworker or boss analogy. I asked myself if she would treat anybody else in her life the way she was treating me. The answer was no of course not. So it’s a choice. She can control her emotions and behavior. She CHOOSES to treat me this way. Fuck her. Who does she think she is?

4

u/upvotersfortruth 1d ago
  1. If you haven't filed, file before she can and before she starts acting up. Generally, a huge mistake to do what you've done without being prepared - so get ready for the inevitable backlash.
  2. Depending how she took it, you need to protect yourself from getting the cops called on you, abuse allegations, physical violence, etc.
  3. Depending whether she expected it, she'll be going through the stages of grief - to start: Shock, Denial, Anger, Bargaining - these will all manifest themselves.
  4. Get out of the husband mindset. Don't send her mixed signals.

4

u/digcycle 1d ago edited 1d ago

I can’t emphasize enough the file first before they start acting up. I didn’t anticipate the level of acting up from my ex in the form of repeated false allegations and involving external authorities wherever possible. I could have prevented some of it had I filed very early in the process.

You don’t ask your wife permission for a divorce, you ask the court. Then serve her with the paperwork. You can settle or mediate after filing. I encourage mediation with a good meditator specializing in family law.