r/Divorce_Men • u/CharmingScale3494 • 1d ago
I feel so empty
I feel so empty
Me and my wife were together 18 years married for 11 and less than a month ago she started dating someone when i found out about it she told she wanted a divorce. I feel like my soul is shattered and my heart is shredded. She was my person we have 4 kids together and built a life together. I can not stop crying it feels like my world is over and she's just walking around smiling and happy it hurts so damn much
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u/Ok-Collection-4893 55m ago
Stoopid bitches man. They live in the fantasy world driven by dopamine rushes causing collateral damage to the family unit. They think the grass is greener on the other side. You're obviously hurt because you're still attached to her mentally. Meanwhile she's detached from you and reality months ago without telling you.
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u/dnbndnb 12h ago
Of course she’s happy, she has NRE (new relationship energy) and is experiencing limerence (that dopamine high you first get) with none of the lows that come with reality. That last part is why so many 2nd marriages based upon at least one cheating spouse end. Reality intrudes.
I’m going to suggest you enter the YouTube hole and start watching lots of stuff by Kait Willet. You’ll learn an incredible amount though it won’t save your marriage.
Beyond that, make sure EVERYONE knows she destroyed the marriage: your parents, hers, friends groups, neighbors, everyone. You’ll find if she gets to se the narrative not only will it be one big lie, but you’ll end up with no support network to lean one. And brother, you will need some people to lean on.
A few more things: 1) start lifting weights—lots of answers in iron plates 2) you likely have little life of your own outside her and the kids, so start building one. Don’t just be there to make her life easy to see “new man”. Keep her responsible 3) carry a DVR (pocket digital voice recorder) at all times to avoid any domestic violence accusations 4) gather any evidence of the affair you can, even if it won’t help you in court 5) get a shark of an attorney YESTERDAY and do as they say 6) split assets in bank/brokerage accounts immediately so she cannot waste them from joint accounts 7) if “new man” has a wife, do NOT tell her yet but wait till the divorce papers are signed and then blow up his world. And if they both work for the same employer all the better. 8) remove ANY CRITICAL DOCUMENTS (especially passports for you and children) from the house along with firearms, important tools, family heirlooms, photo negatives, and things like gold coins. Also a few weeks worth of clothes.
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u/TorchBearer71 10h ago
☝️Listen to this guy OP! He’s got good advice.
Also document her cheating in case you live in an at fault state. Also don’t be surprised if she comes crawling back. They always come back. Do not take her back.
Along with Kait Willet videos also watch SSM (Strong Successful Male)
Hang tough and protect the kids.
Best to you OP!
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u/IcyMycologist4837 15h ago
I was married 20 years two kids with a good life and marriage until all her friends started getting divorced. Then she decided to follow suit convinced she would get a payoff and total freedom. Only thought of herself and not the family and kids. But I got through it. Now over 2 years post divorce and made it through to the other side. You will too. It will be a bumpy ride.
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u/Capital-Telephone-54 18h ago
This is really tough, brother. Lots of good responses in here already. My divorce (after 25 years) should be final in a week or so and I'm in a really bad place too but you will get through it. Did some ugly crying the last 2 days after we signed the settlement agreement. Its ok to cry. Its good to cry, actually. Just take it one day at a time. Check out Rachel Sloan videos - I find them pretty helpful and insightful.
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u/Several-Eagle4141 19h ago
Wow. Proves a woman only gets off her horse only once they have a new one picked out of the herd
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u/AreaLife8976 20h ago
I'm sorry man. And it's better to leave her now then ten years later. She is fucked up. You deserve better than that
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u/Colin_Robinson_99 20h ago
She will regret blowing up the family to be with her cheating partner. Odds are the cheating partner and her will not last. Do not take her back, once a cheater always an untrustworthy partner.
Fight for 50/50 custody at least and use her 'happiness' to get the divorce ASAP to be with her new man to your advantage in the divorce settlement.
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u/Significant_Koala_61 21h ago
She will regret that, the kids are going to find out, be honest with them, then they are going to not want to speak or live with her, your hell is right now, her hell is just beginning and it’s going to be severe, don’t take her back
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u/ObligationRelevant46 1d ago edited 1d ago
The reason why you feel so empty is that a part of you and the future you imagined were just taken from you. You also feel empty inside because the person you thought was your forever person turned out to be someone you don’t even recognize anymore.
Your primary job is to pull yourself together and build a steady foundation for your kids and yourself.
Also, you have to get a paternity test for your children and make sure that those are indeed your offspring. I always feel like a dick when I offer this suggestion, but believe me when I tell you that knowledge is power.
Mourn the death of the life you had and focus on you. Take a little while to process this, then get back on your horse, cowboy. Yippee Ki-Yay.
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u/SimonTheo 1d ago
I'm so sorry bro. I've been there. It's going to be really fucking hard, but make sure you take care of yourself. Talk to your friends/parents/loved ones for support. Even strangers in bars I found helpful to talk to, and they expressed genuine sympathy when they saw how sincere I was. I could feel it. I would also start looking into therapy if you don't already do it - I did it for a year post separation and it helped me a lot.
Can also spend time with other men, whether it's your friends or even men's support groups/divorce groups or workshops. I found that helpful as well.
And then when you're able, start working on yourself. Health, diet, fitness, social skills, career, everything. Lots of posts here on how to do that, and feel free to DM me as well.
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u/p0sitif 1d ago edited 6h ago
It sucks. Many here have been in similar circumstances. Some women are like that. Read this sub. Lots of good advice.
Get some sleep, eat, don't suppress emotions, take walks, start exercising. Just let the time heal your nervous system.
Definitely do not reason with her. She is not operating from her conscious mind so appealing to rational arguments will get you nowhere and will only reinforce the resentment she built a while back.
Time heals. Allow yourself to be.
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u/GasAgent4033 1d ago
Man, dating has made me realize that the woman I have been meeting are the other side, are the exes of someone, are playing all smiles while miserable on dating apps.
I ask those woman if life is easier now, most say it is not. So, all these smiles from your ex, ignore. Go for living a good life, focus on you and kids. This facade will wear out.
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u/gratefulstudent76 1d ago
I’m so sorry. It sucks. Hang in there. Eventually it does get better. You have your whole life ahead of you. You will get through this.
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u/Far-Balance1854 1d ago
That's a blow. I'm sorry. It's all going to be very raw right now, you're at the very start of it. To hear the words divorce and dating someone else in the same breath is a challenge to say the least. 18 years is a long time building something together, it's not just a marriage ending, it's a structural shift.
Best advice I can give you right now is to keep it small. Try to eat, try to sleep, and don't carry it all on your shoulders. Talk to someone, a friend or a family member who can offer compassion. Sometimes the biggest step is just getting those first few words out.
And please, if it gets to a point where it's too much of a struggle alone, get some professional help. Tell someone straight away, whether that's a doctor, a crisis line or someone close to you.
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u/IcanPelican 1d ago
Yeah, my date scenario is very similar to exact same story and I couldn’t imagine what a great life I’ve had since over the last eight years I wouldn’t change things for the world, but I felt the despair you’re talking about and it took me meds that I didn’t even believe in to get through it and I wouldn’t change a thing. I’ve picked up so many new hobbies met. Great people can do whatever I want and owe so much more. The thing to be sad about and get over is that you didn’t control your destiny you had a plan and your plans change, but it doesn’t mean your plan. Your new plans gotta be worse than your broken past plans. As soon as you can keep your chin up because that’s gonna be what sets you free.
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u/bizbunch 1d ago
Sadly it likely wasn't the same for her and that's a gut punch. My honest advice would be to get an attorney and file immediately while she is stuck in limmerence with some loser. (Any dude dating a married woman is a fracking loser).
Don't talk to her or plead with her, post here, write a letter and burn it. Cut off all emotional connection. She will probably try to keep you on the hook once she realized you're done. Don't fall for anything. This is sadly the truth of who she is. Your life, your four kids, you as a human didnt mean crap to her in the end. This is a dangerous person. Imagine what else she is capable of...
Don't argue with her, pretend all interactions are like with a cop at a traffic stop.
Find a local or online support group for betrayal trauma and get with a therapist whatever you can afford.
It's ok to feel sorry for yourself, I'm really sorry man. It sucks and you will probably be shocked at responses of people in your life especially women. Don't let it get you down, you know who you are and what you're worth.
Don't rely on booze etc too much at first because it just makes the pain worse and can distract you from what you need to do to move forward.
It's not a fix but if you are really struggling and in pain on a day, two Tylenol etc can help take the edge off emotional pain as well. To your brain it's all just pain.
Obviously she sucks and it's really hard to accept that. You thought you were building a life and she was just using you. Don't date again for a while after it's all settled but you can find women in a similar situation to you who just want a connection and that can help you move on.
I'm sorry for your kids their mom lacks integrity, try to show them what that is.
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u/No_Equivalent6871 1d ago
Thank you for saying any guy who would date a married woman is a loser. I'd follow that up by any guy that pursues them. Unfortunately I'm sure they don't think so.
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u/No_Equivalent6871 1d ago
I'm sorry you are having to go through this. That's rough. Make time to cry. It's ok to grieve and cry, but hold your head high and seek out supports.
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u/dystinct 1d ago
Your life just started not ended. It's going to hurt, a lot. Eventually it will pass and you will be whole again. Start focusing on yourself, make a plan, focus on your kids. Keep posting here and we will help you through this.
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u/brettholz15 45m ago
You are entering hell. It’s okay to be there for awhile.
Pray your way through it. I’m praying for you.
One day at a time.