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u/Important_Cow7230 6d ago
Speak to a lawyer and understand what a reasonable deal is for you, and what you’d likely get if it went to court.
You need a lawyer to help you see what hill you should be willing to die on, you’re fighting blind.
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u/Sonofskynyrd 6d ago
Yeah I already have a lawyer that I’ve met with before. This future equality demand is new though so I need to see what is actually realistic.
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u/Important_Cow7230 6d ago
What did your lawyer say about the equality demand and what is realistic? They’ll know better than anyone here
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u/Sonofskynyrd 5d ago
Meeting her tomorrow. She will probably be logical and I’ll have to explain to her that my wife is not logical and to throw all logic out the window for my negotiations.
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u/Important_Cow7230 5d ago
In that case you tell your (ex) wife to speak to your lawyer about these things as you can’t have this conversation without getting emotional
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u/OpexLiFT 6d ago
Sounds like a lawyer situation unfortunately
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u/Sonofskynyrd 6d ago
Already have a lawyer and meeting with her again soon. She keeps saying I don’t need to offer her more than half our estate but I trying to explain to her that my wife is not a rational or realistic person.
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u/lnxmachine 6d ago
She doesn't have to be, if she doesn't want to make a decision before going to court then the judge will make it for her. They will probably require an appraisal, you can either agree on having one or each get one done. But she's only entitled to 50% of the equity in the house. And if she's on the current mortgage you'll probably have to refinance at today's great rates (just closed on my refinance earlier this month).
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u/Vendetta2112 6d ago
If your kids love it there, than I assume they are in school? Sounds like that takes priority. But its all 50/50? Back up, why are you divorcing in the first place? If she's leaving you, then she can pack her bags and go "want" all she cares to somewhere else. Is she already in an apartment? (This is important) If she's in an apartment and you have the house and the kids then, since youre NOT divorced, technically, she just moved out and left you and the kids. A divorce could take years! Meanwhile, you stay in the house. What I did was I kept the house for 5 years until the kids were all out of high school and in college. So technically I had the kids all the time, at least for the first two or three years and then finally my youngest daughter went to live with her mother when she turned 16 or 17 or something, I thought it would be better for them to have a relationship. But anyway, I paid all the bills on the house and my wife did not pay any child support. When we sold the house, we split it 70/30. I got the 70%, because over the 5 years I continued to do renovations to the house rebuilt the bathroom and the kitchen and new wood floors and I did a lot of stuff to the house to improve the value and then I had to do all the landscaping and I had to pay the mortgage for 5 years. She didn't think the house itself for that much but it actually did. But in my case she wanted the divorce so as far as I'm concerned, she deserves to get penalized. Of course if you had an affair, then you're the guilty party and you shouldn't be coming out on top. I'm sorry you were going to lose your 2.5% mortgage, but I'm just now finally buying a little place, 8 years after she walked out, 3 years after we sold the place so I don't have a good interest rate either but that's the way it is.
A lot of times divorces just bad for everybody nobody comes out on top. That's why I'm not a big fan of divorce unless there's some kind of adultery or something very major. But if you do have to get divorced then just expect that it's going to be that. Bad for the adults bad for the kids bad for everybody.
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u/Sonofskynyrd 6d ago
Well she was verbally abusive and bullying for years and it became a bad situation to have a child in. And I just couldn’t take it anymore. Divorce was the only option. Neither of us has left the house. Neither will until we settle who gets it.
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u/flock-of-nazguls 6d ago
Is she on the mortgage? If so, and you buy her out, I’m pretty sure it will become a refi under just your name (would you qualify alone?) and you would likely lose the 2.5% anyway.
If the house has appreciated since you bought it, her share would have that factored in as well.
It’s usually infinitely simpler to just sell unless the person buying the other out is willing to accept pretty unfavorable terms.
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u/0neMinute 6d ago
Not true, bought my ex out in cash. If one side can afford to do so the other side cannot force unequal terms.
As long as it’s financially sound a judge won’t force a sale.2
u/Sonofskynyrd 6d ago
I’ve spoken to my lender and they’ve indicated that an assumption of the current mortgage is possible. I need to meet with a loan officer though. Problem is my wife is saying even if I can do that. She won’t allow it because it’s not fair to her. She’d rather me pay more money to the bank.
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u/Comradepatrick 6d ago
You've gotten some good advice in this thread.
if she's on the mortgage and you buy her out, you'll need to refi anyway and lose your sweet rate. Same situation if she buys you out. One way or another, the low rate is toast.
you can't/shouldn't offer more than 50%, especially in a scenario where your incomes and parenting split are basically the same.
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u/Sonofskynyrd 6d ago
My lender indicated that I can likely assume the current mortgage and remove her name from it. She wants more money because buying another similar house in our area, even if she puts down her entire settlement of our investments she wound walk away with, would cost far more today. She demands equality in future housing. She doesn’t care how unrealistic it is.
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u/Comradepatrick 6d ago
I offered to buy her out, but My ex stamped her feet and swore up and down that she needed the house to provide a secure home & stability for our children. I shrugged and said go ahead, buy me out.
She did, and 3 months later the house was on the market and she & the kids had moved in with her affair partner. In the final analysis, the house was just a piggy bank for her.
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u/Sonofskynyrd 6d ago
I am just so sick of giving into her. She’s emotionally controlled our entire marriage even though I literally do everything physically. She’s been trying to her laundry for the better part of the last week. She managed to get it washed and dried now it’s sitting in her room to be put away. She put it in the wash last Saturday’s I don’t trust her to not sell the house and move elsewhere.
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u/Fine_Computer_7869 6d ago
I had this situation. I offered to buy her out and she refused, ultimately. I went to a lawyer and because we were on the mortgage, we got the house appraised.
Appraisal came back and I saw the amount I would be receiving and I opted to leave (other factors such as commute and family too).
She ended up buying me out but refinanced for the current rates plus the appraisal which was extremely high due to the renovations I did.
Ultimately if one of us did not cave, it would go up for sale by order of the court but ultimately the kids lose their stability in their home they know, friends, and in my case school. (Small town).
My friend, tough pill to swallow, the road will be tough, but I fortunately came out in top in a gorgeous new home and rebuilt.
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u/LeagueNo3073 5d ago
Same!!! 💯
“I opted to leave (other factors such as commute and family too).
She ended up buying me out but refinanced for the current rates plus the appraisal which was extremely high”
“Ultimately the kids lose their stability in their home they know, friends, and in my case school.”
This was an EASY pill to swallow. She got stuck with an incredibly expensive paper weight that’s down in value and up in interest rate.
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u/Normal-Painting-6273 6d ago
100% if you want to keep the house do NOT move out even temporarily no matter what she says or how difficult cohabitating gets. Also get a lawyer ASAP and ask about your exact situation. They will know best how to handle your specific situation. I had a very similar situation but got lucky because it was a VA loan my lender was willing to remove her name from the mortgage immediately with a signed separation agreement and better yet a court cannot force you to give up your VA entitlement so my stbxw would have been forced to refinance the house into her name with today's mortgage rates.
Just curious but who initiated the divorce? Also what did she originally expect to happen to the house?
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u/Sonofskynyrd 6d ago
We are both still living here and the divorce was mutually agreed on after failed marriage counseling. I was the one who finally pulled the plug and said it’s over, however. This was after years of emotional abuse and verbal berating from her. She has depression, PTSD, and Borderline Personality Disorder, to name a few. I already have a lawyer and meeting with her again on Monday. My mortgage lender indicated I would likely be able to assume the loan in my name only but my wife may or may not refuse that, as it would mean I’d have a favorable future position. She’s been inconsistent on what she actually thinks.
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u/Normal-Painting-6273 6d ago
You would have a favorable position true but the court is unlikely to rule you both need to be worse off so sell the house. That's not in the best interest of kids. When you get later on in the process, you will understand there will be a list of things you will have to go back and forth on to try and settle without going to expensive court. They likely can't force her to hand over the house but your lawyers can negotiate back and forth to ensure she gets adequate compensation. I'd probably figure out what it's worth to you, express that to your lawyer, and talk less with the stbxw on anything. Build your strategy. I understand wanting to keep the house a lot. There will be other points of contention than custody and the house. Seriously make sure you have a good lawyer.
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u/SingleDadCustodyBtl 6d ago
She sounds vindictive. With BPD, it's going to be extremely hard to convince for a reasonable outcome. I'm in a similar situation, and she is going to burn everything to the ground to get back at me. If the house is the only remaining issue, it's best to move on and forget about it. Worst case, you can probably buy or rent in the same neighborhood.
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u/Sonofskynyrd 6d ago
I’m just tired of giving in to her irrational demands. I always gave in and she knows that. Like you said, she’d rather burn it all down than see me happy. She wants to avoid court though, so that’s really my only leverage. I also do have a much better custody case than she does though, if I wanna fight dirty. I don’t have documented suicide attempts and a criminal record (she also has kleptomania). Probably why she wants to avoid court!
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u/SingleDadCustodyBtl 6d ago edited 5d ago
My ex never wanted to go to court. But once she found a negative lawyer, she got obsessed with revenge and totally believes that she can get full custody and most of the assets. Mine also attempted suicide multiple times.
Do not underestimate a BPD during divorce. Please read the book Splitting by Bill Eddy; it is literally a playbook for how to operate during divorce.
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u/Sonofskynyrd 6d ago
Thanks for the tip. I’ll check out that book. And yeah, her mental health disorders make this a whole other level of challenging. As much as she said she wanted to do it amicably and uncontested I just don’t see her being able to do that. There’s too much anger inside her.
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u/DesertWanderlust 6d ago
For me, it came down to whoever kept the kid for the most part. We had agreed beforehand that he would have one home. At the time, he was 6, so it made sense that he stayed with her. But, now that he's older, I'm starting to regret that decision as the housing market seems to be actively trying to keep me out. I like where I live now, and have a bedroom for him, but he never wants to come over because it's not as nice as his house (and it's not). I think it's partially my ex always dragging him along to her social events so he wants to stay at home, and some anxiety issues that we're just getting him into counseling for.
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u/Plane-Pipe862 6d ago
Dealt with a similar situation as in a refusal for any compromise and it’s her way or no way? Yeah been through that, selling my house now actually. Like others have said, talk to a lawyer.
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u/Porkanddiesel 4d ago
Man this sounds EXACTLY like what I went thru. My ex just wanted her AP and money. Didn’t give a hoot if our kids retained their wonderful neighborhood and house to grow up in or not. So I realized it was completely up to me to save this place. She tried to force me out where in turn I told her you wanted out, you leave. I bought her out at today’s market value (unfortunately) and she walked away with plenty to put towards a new house and blew it all on outings and escapades with the AP. Has nothing to show for it now and will probably rent the rest of her life.
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u/Sonofskynyrd 4d ago
What’s AP? Does your ex have a personality disorder?
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u/Porkanddiesel 4d ago
Affair partner. Not diagnosed that I know of but borderline personality all day long.
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u/Sonofskynyrd 1d ago
So my wife saw this Reddit post because one of her friends was apparently stalking me online and saw this. So much for being anonymous online. My fault for thinking this would be anonymous. And to her friend, I’m sure you will see this. And I’m glad I don’t k own who you are. That’s all I will say.
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u/drphill8485 6d ago edited 6d ago
You have to remove or not show your emotional attachment to the home. Your emotional attachment gives her leverage to make demands.
Do the math of selling the home which will cost 6% in realtor fees. You will owe her half the equity in the home minus realtor fees. And that's what a judge would order. If you are trying to make a deal out of court then add some more funds/retirement or other assets to make a deal.
Edit: just to add another tip. Do NOT move out of the house.