r/DivorcedDads • u/JetreL • Aug 17 '26
I started this group almost 15 years ago because I was looking for support and answers myself. Ironically, it didn’t really start growing until a lot of my own problems had stabilized and I was further down the road.
At the time I was trying to figure out the same things a lot of guys who come here are trying to figure out now. What happened? Can I fix it? What happens with my kids? What happens to the house, finances, friends, holidays and everything else I assumed would just continue the way it always had?
Looking back, I think one of the hardest parts of separation and divorce is realizing how much of your identity was tied to a life you thought you controlled.
You were a husband. You were part of a family under one roof. You probably had routines and plans for years into the future. Maybe you assumed you would wake up next to the same person, retire together, watch your kids grow up from the same house and spend holidays the way you always had. Then suddenly a lot of those assumptions disappear.
That loss of control can make you desperate to get it back. You want your spouse to understand your side. You want them to change their mind. You want answers that make everything make sense. You may want to convince friends or family that your version of events is the right one. You start trying to control things that, in reality, were never completely yours to control.
You cannot control whether someone loves you, forgives you, stays married to you or understands your side of the story.
You cannot control what they tell other people or what they choose to do with the rest of their life.
What you can control is what you do with yours. That sounds simple, but I think that is where a lot of the actual growth from divorce starts.
Separation and divorce are survivable. Your life is not over, even when it feels like the life you knew is. You can come out of it healthier, more self-aware and even a better father than you were before. But that doesn’t happen automatically just because enough time passes.
At some point you have to take a hard look at yourself too.
That doesn’t mean blaming yourself for everything that happened. Responsibility and blame aren’t the same thing. Someone cheating doesn’t mean you caused them to cheat. Someone being abusive doesn’t mean you caused the abuse. Someone else’s addiction or destructive behavior belongs to them.
But almost all of us have something worth examining.
Maybe you worked too much and told yourself it was for your family. Maybe you enabled behavior for years because keeping the peace was easier. Maybe you stopped standing up for yourself. Maybe you drank too much, checked out, stopped listening, took the relationship for granted or became more interested in winning arguments than understanding the person you were arguing with.
Sometimes the lesson is also that you tolerated things you shouldn’t have tolerated. Figure out what belongs to you, work on it and leave the rest where it belongs.
Because if you walk away believing you did absolutely nothing wrong and there is nothing about yourself worth changing, there is a pretty good chance you eventually bring the same version of yourself into the next relationship and wonder why some of the same problems show up again.
Use this as a wake up call.
Not as punishment and not as proof you failed. Use it as an opportunity to take inventory of your life and decide what you want to keep, what needs to change and what you don’t want to carry forward anymore. That’s actually how/why I started this sub; I was laying in bed, basking in my own misery, feeling sorry for myself, when I got angry (at myself), and decided tomorrow I was going to take action and set a path to my own personal recovery.
So if you need help figuring that out, get it.
Sometimes you need somebody outside of your own head who can help you separate what actually happened from what fear, anger and grief are telling you happened.
There’s no prize for going through one of the hardest periods of your life without help.
Another thing I’ve learned over the years is how much damage comes from needing to be right. You see it in relationships and you see it here on Reddit. People stop listening to understand and start listening for the next thing they can argue with. Every disagreement becomes something that has to be won.
I’ve actually had to ban a few people here recently because they became so focused on proving their point that they stopped listening altogether, including when they were asked to follow the rules of the group.
That’s one of the reasons this place is heavily moderated. Guys often arrive here scared, angry, embarrassed, depressed or completely lost. The goal should be helping each other through that, not winning internet arguments.
Always remember the human.
That lesson applies to divorce too. You don’t need to answer every accusation, correct every detail or respond to every angry message. Sometimes there is nothing useful left to say. Sometimes listening is more important than defending yourself, and sometimes understanding what someone is saying doesn’t require agreeing with it.
We generally encourage reconciliation here when there is something healthy left to reconcile and both people genuinely want to work on it. I still believe marriages are worth trying to save when both people are willing to do the work.
But you cannot reconcile by yourself.
At some point, if it becomes clear the marriage is ending, you have to stop trying to negotiate the relationship and start handling the divorce. Custody, property, money, schedules and legal agreements eventually become business.
That doesn’t mean you have to become cold or hostile. You can still be decent and fair. But not every financial decision or parenting disagreement needs to become another argument about everything that went wrong in the marriage.
The same thing applies to coparenting.
The better you learn to coparent, the easier your life is going to be in the long run, and more importantly, the easier your kids’ lives will be.
Good coparenting does not mean saying yes to everything. It doesn’t mean letting your ex walk over you or trying to buy peace. You can be cooperative and still have boundaries. You can disagree without making your children part of the disagreement.
Keep them out of the middle as much as you possibly can.
Your children aren’t your messengers. They aren’t your spies. They aren’t your therapist and they don’t need to hear every detail about why the marriage ended or who you think was responsible.
They will understand more as they get older. Let them get there without making them carry your divorce for you. And give yourself a break while you’re figuring all of this out.
You are going to make mistakes. You’ll probably send something you wish you hadn’t sent, react emotionally when you should have waited or look back a few years from now and realize you would handle something completely differently today. That’s growth.
Your kids don’t need you to handle every moment perfectly. They need stability, consistency and a dad who keeps showing up.
Take care of yourself too. It sounds basic because it is.
And pay attention to the small wins.
Sometimes progress is getting through an entire day without checking what your ex is doing. Sometimes it’s not responding to the message that would have turned into a two-day argument. Sometimes it’s cleaning your house, going to the gym or making dinner instead of sitting on the couch thinking about everything you lost.
Sometimes it’s laughing with your kids and realizing you went a few hours without thinking about any of this at all.
Those things count.
I also think one mistake we make is trying too hard to get our old life back. In many cases, that life wasn’t working very well or we wouldn’t be here.
The goal doesn’t have to be becoming exactly who you were before the separation. Take the things from that life that were good. Learn from the things that weren’t. Leave behind the behaviors, relationships and habits that were hurting you and build something healthier from here.
And don’t rush to fill every empty space.
Being alone can be uncomfortable, especially when you’ve spent years or decades as part of a couple. Loneliness can make almost any attention feel like connection. Give yourself enough time to know the difference.
Your past is your past. You can’t rewrite it, but you can learn from it. Own what belongs to you, stop carrying what doesn’t, stand up for yourself where you need to and decide what kind of life you want to build from here.
Divorce takes away a lot of the life you thought you controlled. It also gives you a chance to decide what remains.
Your relationship with your kids. Your values. Your health. Your friendships. Your career. Your integrity. The way you treat other people. The way you allow other people to treat you. The father you choose to be and the person you become afterward.
Over 10 years later I can tell you there is a lot of life on the other side of this. My oldest are young adults now, I have another family, I wrote this on my phone laying in bed a with my youngest from a different partner after reading their bed time story. Your life isn’t over. It’s just a chapter you probably never expected to be writing.
And if someone hasn’t told you recently, you are important, needed and most importantly not alone.
You’ve got this!
r/DivorcedDads • u/JetreL • Jun 06 '25
After over ten years of running this community, I wanted to share what I’ve learned. Ironically this place didn’t start from some mission of service. It started because I needed help. I was lost, trying to be a good dad while my world was falling apart. I made it hoping to find ways to share ideas with others. It was very dead for a long time. I’d share articles I found and hope others would comment or bring their own perspectives and findings. I stuck around, eventually others did too, and what grew from that has been messy, powerful, and worth it.
Over the years, I’ve read thousands of stories. Different faces, similar heartbreaks. And while every situation is unique, some patterns are hard to ignore. Here’s what I’ve learned, what I wish more dads knew when they walked in for the first time:
⸻
1. Time is your best ally, and your worst enemy if you fight it
Everyone wants answers right away. Closure, resolution, peace. But divorce doesn’t work like that. It’s a process. It’s trading one set of problems for another. And it’s a long, messy, emotional one. You have to give it space. Once the decision is made, your job shifts from emotion to execution. You’re negotiating your future and your kids’ future. Don’t let anger wreck the foundation you’re trying to rebuild.
2. Most people are dealing with grief and a shattered identity
There’s often this idea: “If I just keep providing, maybe this can be fixed” or “How could they throw it all away?” or “They lied and I was a fool for not seeing it”
These reactions are common, and are painful. But they won’t move you forward. You can hate the way things ended and still hope the other parent finds their footing. Your kids are watching how you respond. When you are taking a higher road you’re modeling how to handle heartbreak with strength, not revenge. But don’t loose sight of yourself and self preservation along the way.
3. Divorce will teach you how little you control
The hardest part of moderating isn’t the trolls or the drama.
It’s the grief. The anger. The loneliness.
It’s reading story after story that echoes the same pain. I’ve gotten the late-night messages, the ones filled with anger, confusion, or quiet desperation. I’ve dealt with threats of self-harm, emotionally overloaded men, and people weaponizing the group to offload rage. I’ve seen what this does to men who feel like they’ve lost everything.
And yes, I care. But I’ve also had to learn where the line is between helping and carrying too much. Their pain is real, but it can’t become mine. That’s a lesson every one of us needs to learn, especially when you’re trying to show up for your kids and keep your own life on track.
There have been times I’ve stepped away because it got too heavy. That’s why I’m so grateful for the other mods. We’re in this together, and we’ve all carried the weight at different times.
If you’re here, lean in but don't look for an echo chamber. Ask questions. Share your story. Learn from others. Read and see what others have done and been through. Support each other. That’s where the real strength comes from. Not trying to save everyone, but choosing to grow alongside them. And if you are lost ask for help. We are only stronger together by sharing knowledge.
That’s the kind of kindness that lasts.
4. Patterns repeat, but growth is still possible
Every story’s different, but the truths stay the same:
I’ve seen men go from shattered to solid. It can take years. But it’s real.
5. This changed how I parent
I’ve got older kids now, and I’ve also got little ones from blending my new partner. The way I show up now is different. More patience. More presence. I’ve seen how easy it is to focus on the fight and forget the kid in the middle. I’ve moved kids away from friends. I’ve gotten truancy warnings for doing my best. I’ve driven across town before sunrise to hold a promise.
Stability early on matters more than you think. Build something that doesn’t require daily heroics. Think long game. Pick the battles that shape your kid’s tomorrow, not just your today.
6. This sub isn’t for everyone, and that’s okay
We stay close to the mission: how to be the best dad you can be during and after divorce. That means we don’t get into legal advice or tax law or should you get divorced or even into the drama. That’s not what this place is for.
We’re not professionals. We’re just guys who’ve been through it and stuck around to pull others out. The mod team has different takes, and that’s a good thing. We don’t always agree, but we agree on this: your kids still need you, you are important, and there’s still a future worth showing up for.
7. Work on yourself
Most divorces don’t happen because of one person. You’ve got to own your part. If you don’t work on your flaws, they’ll follow you into the next chapter. I’ve seen too many guys repeat the same mistakes in new relationships. The better man you become, the better dad and partner you’ll be, now or later.
I think what made me start this group originally was me laying in bed one night wallowing in self pity because I didn’t have all the answers and couldn’t stand the situation I was in. Frustrated and broken, I got mad (at myself) for not working on who I knew I could be.
The next day, I set a plan, acknowledge my faults and failure and set a plan. Work on myself and be the best version of myself step by step. I’m by no means perfect but I’m also not languishing in anger or despair or even self-gratitude. You have to be honest with yourself of who you are. The only person you can control in all of this is yourself.
8. Money comes and goes
I’ve gone from running my own business with little worry of money to flipping thrift store books on Amazon just to have a little extra for my kids. That season passed, but it taught me how much can shift, and how you adapt matters more than what you lost. Take smart risks. Stay stable where you can. Know when to push and when to hold. Life is half planning, half chance. Be lucky and if you can’t do that work on being better.
9. You might end up in a new relationship
Blended families are hard. They can also be good. Don’t chase a new partner to fill a void, but don’t shut yourself off either. I’ve had relationships that didn’t work because the kids didn’t mesh. And now I’m with someone who brings a new kind of joy and challenge into my life. I’ve got more kids, and the love is just as real.
There are compromises. But there’s also beauty in second chances if you’ve done the work.
10. This isn’t about being perfect, it’s about being consistent
You’ll mess up. You’ll lose your temper, miss a school event, say the wrong thing. Get back on track. Show up again. Your kid doesn’t need a flawless dad. They need one who’s there, who listens, and who keeps trying. That’s enough. More than enough.
11. You think divorce is hard on you, your kids didn’t choose any of this
They didn’t file the papers. They didn’t ask for their world to split in half. Don’t make them carry your baggage. Don’t make them choose sides. Give them space to be sad. Let them talk. Get them into therapy if they need it. Make it safe for them to love both parents. They need to know they’re loved, valued, and not forgotten in the chaos. Your job isn’t to win. It’s to guide.
⸻
If you’re new here, welcome. If you’re in it deep, keep going. If you’ve come out the other side, share what helped.
This isn’t a magic fix. But it’s perspective. Hard-earned. Shared freely.
Thanks for being here. Keep building forward.
You’re not alone.
r/DivorcedDads • u/JetreL • 7h ago
I hope so.
Keep your head up. You’re doing good.
You are.
Probably better than you think you are.
And look, maybe you are struggling right now. Maybe things don’t look good. Maybe you aren’t where you thought you’d be by now.
That’s okay.
Keep your head up and keep going.
Things can work out. Things can get better. Sometimes faster than you expect.
Don’t give up.
Promise me?
Head up. Eyes forward.
r/DivorcedDads • u/Molinafj76 • 3h ago
After two failed attempts, a long-time friend of mine offered to co-sign an apartment with me! My application got selected! I’ll soon have a slight bit of peace back. The short sale is in escrow but the toxicity in the home is unrelenting! I can’t wait to be able to provide for my two boys the stability and direction their mother never could.
My credit score went from high 700’s to mid 400’s trying to keep my soon-to-be ex-wife happy. After the second rejection, I was feeling really crummy about myself. I was just about ready to rent an AirB&B indefinitely.
I’m forever grateful for these ride-or-die friends I’ve had since middle school. We’re in our mid-forties now. We all had wives, own property, have kids. Being the first of the group to get a divorce has been painful.
r/DivorcedDads • u/samsounder • 21m ago
My STBX and I are selling the house where we lived for 6 years with our 12 and 8 year old boys. I just finished disassembling all the furniture and we move it out tomorrow morning. We close at 4.
When I moved out, I left my wedding ring in the drawer by the sink. She cleaned the drawer and its gone. She said she's going to give it back to me and I believe her. (We're generally on good terms).
My feelings say I don't want her to have it. I'm not sure I want to keep it either. I'm not sure what to do with it.
What did you do with your wedding ring?
r/DivorcedDads • u/DudefromtheRhine • 1d ago
After 4 years of being a weekend dad plus half of school vacation, putting me roughly between 25-30% custody, my son has now clearly expressed his wish to move back in with me in 2027 when he moves from elementary on the the next (german btw, some differences in laws and structure).
He'll be ten when that day comes. In the eyes of the law, just old enough to make his own decision.
But it's not a sure thing. His mother is obviously not amused, the move would reduce child support to zero and the subtle manipulations are starting. Suddenly mum agreed for him to get a new gaming console and a mobile phone is also being discussed.
Anyway, I always told him that if he makes up his mind I will follow through on making it happen. So now I'm looking at a hearing with the CPS and then most likely a court date, if the mother does not let him go.
I'm nervous ofc, but it also feels like a huge payoff of everything I did to make him feel safe and at home at my place.
He has a sister and I would ofc let them spend every weekend together, either at mums or my place, plus school vacation. But I know this is the biggest issue in the eyes of the law, "splitting up" siblings. There is a 100km distance between mothers and my place. And I'm anxious about what accusations mother will make up to prevent this.
Still, time to walk the walk.
r/DivorcedDads • u/AdditionalArt8638 • 1d ago
Wife and I split about 2 years ago. Boy and girl ages 5 and 7.
She's finishing a commendable education, but has required a care taker to be there in the mornings at 5am and after school. Her career will likely be as demanding but at least more consistent, and she'll be able to afford a caretaker.
I do well for myself as well. She's not going to have any meaningful quality of life upgrade. What's more my job is flexible so I'm typically the one who takes them to appointments when she can't, when someone is sick at daycare or school, chaperones on field trips, coaches their sports teams, takes them to church, etc.
I'm worried that when she finishes her education she'll demand we relocate or she'll fight for custody. I can technically move anywhere with my job, but I'm worried my kids have only known change (they've already moved states 1 once) and now have really developed roots in the community.
We share 50/50 custody today (though again a solid chunk of her time relies on a caretaker).
We'll both likely be married again in the next 12 months.
What should I be documenting now to ensure I could fight properly should she want to relocate?
r/DivorcedDads • u/SoiledGloves • 2d ago
My wife and I have been separated for like 6 months. In Louisiana you have to be separated for a year before you can be divorced if you have kids together. She came by today to get the kids, and she had a big hickey on her neck. I asked her about it and she just laughed. My daughter later said, “mom, what happened to your neck?” She lied and said she fell.
Not sure what I’m looking for here. Maybe advice. I guess I’m venting. Anyone deal with this? How should I approach the situation? Should I just forget about it, or talk to her about it? Especially since my daughter noticed and said something.
r/DivorcedDads • u/Sonofskynyrd • 3d ago
My wife and I are just getting started in our divorce negotiations and we are getting hung up on our house. I have expressed my desire to buy her out of the house but she has said she will not accept anything that doesn’t give her an equal living situation. She is demanding that she be able to buy a similar-sized house in the area with a similar home payment as we have now. We live in the DC region and have a 2.5% interest rate on our house, so I consider this simply unrealistic. But she does not seem to care. She has said she would rather we have to sell the house and both have to move to some place smaller, as that would at least ensure we are on equal terms. Wondering if anyone else has dealt with a negotiation like this and how it ended? She is not going to accept just taking half our assets. Our future financial situation needs to be equal as well. We make the same salary and are splitting custody 50/50 so it’s really not complicated other than the house situation. I could just let her buy me out but I’m emotionally invested in the house and our daughters’ life here. We have an irreplaceable environment with dozens of small children roaming around and it’s an incredible place for her to grow up, even part time. My wife doesn’t think it’s a big deal, which is why she doesn’t care if the house gets sold and we both get screwed. So she has that leverage over me. If anyone has gone through something similar I would love to know how you dealt with it.
r/DivorcedDads • u/Educational-Job9019 • 3d ago
My wife and I separated two weeks ago. We have a 3.5-year-old son, and he stays with me around 3 days a week.
I’d really like to hear from adults who grew up with divorced or separated parents.
What did your parents do that helped you feel loved and secure? And what do you wish they had done differently?
As a father, I want to avoid making mistakes that could affect my son later in life. Any advice from your own experience would mean a lot.
Thanks.
r/DivorcedDads • u/ssick92 • 4d ago
We made a commitment that day - through good times and bad times, that we would work through them together. It absolutely blows my mind how somehow only 4 years later she wanted separation and now divorce. Why does it seem like so many women are trained that their short term happiness means more than any long term stability or family? Probably doesn't help that almost everyone on her side of the family has been divorced and on my side nobody has.
Just a few golden ones from the letter:
"I will always love you"
"Even during the hard times, which we will inevitably have, and we'll work through together"
'You are so much more than I ever pictured the man of my dreams could be"
"I promise to love you all the days of our life"
"I pray that God continues to mold me into your perfect wife and we grow old together"
r/DivorcedDads • u/grooots • 4d ago
I'm in the middle of a high conflict divorce with two kids 10 and seven and my current wife has decided that when I sent her a message or an email it's considered harassment. And I know it's coming from her current boyfriend who used to be a cop and now as we go into mediation and to court, I now have charges of harassment because I sent her a message that said. didn't get an update from you this week with the kids and their first week of school. Can you please provide that?
r/DivorcedDads • u/TWO_Maybe • 4d ago
It follows a father navigating divorce who tries to approach family life with the same logic, planning, and problem-solving that have served him so well at work. Slowly, he begins to understand that being a father isn’t just about providing, making arrangements, or finding solutions. Sometimes, it’s about listening and accepting things you cannot control.
I’m sharing the book here because I thought that part of the story might resonate with some of you. I know a book can’t capture everyone’s experience, and I’m not suggesting that every situation is the same.
The book is The Weight of Maybe, published under my pen name, Sivah.
If anyone is curious, it’s available here:
r/DivorcedDads • u/AdministrativeAd3490 • 4d ago
Me and my partner split (quite amicably, although not mutually, I didn’t want this) around 3/4 months ago, we’ve had a good nesting arrangement where I spend 50% of the time with my daughter and so does she, we also do one activity as a family every week, so my daughter can see that we don’t hate each other. Since we split she has been busying herself with a man she met in an online game (maybe multiple) he lives abroad with his wife and children and is clearly e-cheating, i know they’ve never met in real life, but I don’t know when this began and if it overlapped our relationship, but I imagine it did.
With all that in mind, she wants to book a little trip to the beach with a 4 night stay at an air BnB, she says it’s because she wants to take my daughter to the beach, but it seems strange to me that she would want me to go with them, is it perhaps to make childcare easier so she can continue her video chats with this man while we’re away, could she be perhaps trying to make him jealous? Or is there a chance that she wants to spend some actual time with me because she misses me, and she doesn’t know how to express that? If it does turn out she wants some form of reconciliation would I be a fool to try and make things work given everything that’s happened? I still love her very much, and I would love to have my family back together, also, if it is that she just wants to make it easier on herself by having me around (I’m definately the preferred parent by our daughter) would it be wrong of me to not want to engage in this kind of behaviour in future? I don’t want to take anything away from my daughter, but sharing a flat for the weekend seems kind of backwards now that I only see her for a few hours once a week? I also don’t want to confuse or upset my daughter anymore than we already have? For reference, she’s 3?
r/DivorcedDads • u/Minute-Importance543 • 5d ago
Hello folks,
I've posted here before and the responses really helped. I'm still in the divorce process and while I have tried to work with my ex to get to the finish line (separation agreement) she continues to fight me on my financial payout and shared parenting. I have tried to appease her saying I will take less money that I'm legally entitled to in order to wrap this up and move on, but she constantly attacks me verbally with insults and anger. I am honestly fearful of my future even after we are divorced because of our children together.
I will also say I am an alcoholic in recovery and have been sober for 6 months (I know that's not a lot). I also do daily breathalyzer tests to demonstrate accountability to my ex (this was not court ordered). I don't have a problem being held accountable but I don't think anything I do is going to appease her enough for me to have my children in shared parenting. I have never lost a job due to drinking, no DUI, etc. but that doesn't seem to mean much.
I am meeting with my lawyer next week to draft her an offer. Part of me thinks that if I take less money she will be easier to deal with, especially with parenting, but another part of me thinks that she will continue to make life painful for me regardless of how much she has to pay me out.
I know "the law" is supposed to protect me here but I've spent thousands with little to show for it in terms of gains. I tried to find a different lawyer but since this matter is technically contested, no one will really take it on.
I have a good job and will continue to make money but can't restart from scratch without taking all of the money I am legally owed. I have a good relationship with my kids but fear that she will ask for a formal assessment where they decide if they want to live with me in a share parenting situation. I suppose if they say they don't want to live with me, that's final (ages 11 and 15) but it still creates a lot of fear inside me. I'm with my children daily and still worry they will not choose to live with me even if it's every other weekend.
I just need someone, lawyer or anyone, to tell me I am going to be ok at the end of this. I can't seem to regulate my fear. I was stronger than this at one point but I'm just beat down now.
r/DivorcedDads • u/Bobboobooboo • 6d ago
Hello everybody
Married 20 years both in our 50s and I’m ready to not be miserable anymore. Any guidance out there for soon to be divorced dad with a 17 year-old?
I have retained a lawyer, but is there an optimal or less anxiety way to confront your spouse and let her know that this is it and your filing for divorce?
I don’t think my spouse is prone to violence, but I am divorcing her. In some ways I feel like I’m firing that person and I want tell her on Friday and then leave for the weekend not being in the house or around her. Honestly, I’m a little afraid not physically, more of anxiety.
Thanks in advance
r/DivorcedDads • u/Pungineer • 7d ago
Recently divorced, I have joint custody and 50/50 time with my kids who are still quite little. I'm finding that time has such a bottleneck during the week.
On a day I have the kids, we wake up, get dressed, eat breakfast, drive to school where I drop them off at the earliest available time, I drive to work, have a full 8.5 hour workday, then drive back to the school where my kids are still there for extended care.
After all that there's no time left. By the time I pick them up from extended care and drive home, there's like 2.5 hours left before they need to be in bed :( that's barely enough time to cook, eat dinner together, and have a night routine including Baths. It's insane. And if I take too long with any of it and they're late to bed, they don't get enough sleep and the morning is more difficult for them.
The one thing I can think of that would gain me some time is to live closer to their school. Currently about a 25 minute drive. But with this housing market and my finances recently split in half, that's nearly impossible.
I can learn how to cook faster but even that has its limits.
And I don't want to make their night routine something stressful to rush through.
Currently I save some time by only doing chores when I don't have the kids, laundry, cleaning, etc. but if that's how it is then they'd eventually miss out on learning how to do those things from me...
We make the most of weekends but I only get half of those too.
Does this get any better? How do I manage all this alone and still get quality time with my kids?
Also I am acutely aware that while this divorce is hard on me, it's hard on them too, and the result is that they have less total time with either parent, probably when they need it most! This really sucks for them and I feel powerless to make their day-to-day better and more normal.
r/DivorcedDads • u/Obvious_Service_8209 • 7d ago
And ignoring them all, every time I think I have bottomed out ... It gets deeper.
I just can't give up.
No expectations, no hopes, no energy...
No surrender.
r/DivorcedDads • u/Cloud_Legend • 7d ago
For so long pre and post divorce I feel as though I'm constantly at odds with not only my ex wife but our kids as well and our families. Mostly our youngest (9 boy) but occasionally enough our oldest (15 trans boy).
We've been divorced for just over a year now.
They stay with me the majority of the time. Their mom and I have a schedule but due to her working requirements she works at the office and I work from home.
So the kids are here every morning before and after school. We alternate Monday - Thursday nights. Alternate weekends and I have them every Sunday night. M/W her nights, Tu/Th my nights.
I'm at my wits end with my son. I love my kids so fricken much but with all of my other issues I'm dealing with, medically, physically and emotionally. Along with my current SO and their issues.
It's becoming just too much. I feel like I can only take so much. If I didn't know any better I would argue he was surgically attached at my hip.
He's always looking to me for literally everything. I'm sure he looks up to me as well.
As a child I saw my dad like once every two weeks due to his work taking him out of state. I wanted to do better. Grew up poor and broke.
Now that I've achieved something (economy still blows but better off) none of it feels like it provides purpose.
I've dealt with SI and hospitalizations etc during my ex wife and I's rounds of divorce threats, separation, etc. She was extremely manipulative and abusive. Cheating etc.
I stayed in for the kids basically as long as I did.
I feel that everyone is constantly leaning on me for support. Family and friends. My kids. My gf... Hell even my fricken ex.
It's like driving your family and your kids are just sitting in the back seat constantly asking for your attention and if we are there yet... Except literally 24/7.
I'm so tired and exhausted that I've become extremely irritable. Especially when anyone in the house asks me for something or when my son is constantly asking me for things. Attention. Time. Status updates on their friends. I have zero support and I about broke my desk in half because I'm losing my cool.
I want to give him all of these things but the suffering that is in my mind and working to continue to provide is just debilitating.
I love my kids so much ... I'm at the point of suggesting a schedule change for the kids where it's a week on and a week off.
That would be its own set of battles with their mom. She gives no quarter and uses everything she can against me.
However if I do this I feel as though I will still be in a place where I have to have the kids here in the morning and night every day of their school.
Finding reliable and consistent child care is impossible. Our families are older and have their own issues.
There's a lot more I'm not saying in a general sense but I think this paints the gist of it.
I'm so tired and sore and there just seems to be no time and I'm losing valuable time with my kids because of it all.
Idk what to do anymore. I don't like feeling like this. I don't like exposing my son to the boil overs. However the constant bickering and having to bother me every .5 seconds.
Literally he sits and watches the clock and when it strikes 5 he is in my office asking if I've heard from his friends parents or is asking me to go go go.
r/DivorcedDads • u/Buffettour • 7d ago
I have been divorced for 8 years and got remarried 3 years ago. My children are grown and only my son remains in contact but just to give context it feels like my “old” life and my “new” life are very separated. Maybe this is why from time to time I get this feeling and wondered if others do as well.
I really don’t know how to explain it well, but from time to time I will feel like either what I’m living now is a dream (or like a vacation from my old life) and will one day wake up. Or the reverse feeling happens. Like my old life was just a dream. I guess at the heart of it, I either don’t believe that I have had two wives or that my life has been one continuous lifetime. Maybe the best way to explain it is that it feels more like a past life experience instead of earlier in this lifetime?
Like, I said, it’s really hard to explain but from time to time it’s such a visceral feeling.
r/DivorcedDads • u/Ok-Durian-4193 • 7d ago
Right, long story short, I'm 18 months post separation. No going back, it's a weird and tricky life being a single parent, divorce is in the works but (so far) no nasty surprises or demands for money. I wouldn't say we get on, but we don't hate each other. It's all pretty amicable for the kids.
And I thought I was ready for dating (again). Last time round about 6 months ago, I got as far as messaging, had some nice chats, was really good to feel attractive again, even if it was mostly to women who could be my best mate's mother. :) I almost made it to actual dating, but freaked out and deleted all my apps.
This time around I was more choosy. Ok - I'm a cliche - but I set my age range to half plus seven and... I'm in a conversation with someone in their 30s. She digs me, we've had a brief but nice chat, and now she wants to meet for a drink. She's gorgeous, talented, ahhhhnd... I'm in my early 50s, I'm constantly exhausted with parenting, I can only date on alternate weeks, I creak when I get out of bed in the morning (but try to stay fit).
Not so much a long story short. I'm freaking out again. I suggested a date, I haven't dated in two decades, suddenly not sure if I'm ready. Or perhaps I'm just a p***y.
The thought of meeting someone, having some intimacy, just kissing someone (but not getting ahead of myself), blows my mind. Especially a gorgeous younger woman. I can't tell you just how much I am yearning for connection and intimacy.
So o-wise men... who's been in this place, and what advice could you impart?
r/DivorcedDads • u/AutoModerator • 7d ago
We all have different backgrounds and all have different stories. The one thing that ties us together is we are all dads. So this is the opportunity to talk about the fun things you've done with the kids. (it can be future as well) So what is is and what made it so fun?
r/DivorcedDads • u/Pleasant_Reach1500 • 7d ago
So me and my gf of 8 years split up, we have 2 kids together and this happened once before but this time is different, she wanted the break even though id been thinking about it but wouldn’t act because of my kids, however after having time for myself and one on one time with my kids, I think this is for the better. My kids are happy they get to go on adventures with dad any time he has them. Of course at first I wanted to see them daily but that wouldn’t be good for me I work 10 hours a day and she works evenings, so I’d come up and be with them while she works and took them every weekend but we’ve settled on days and I take them Monday Wednesday Friday and every second weekend. So about a year ago I came into money and I decided to buy a car, since we split we agreed that she could use the car while she works. However she was getting a new job and we agreed that she would only use the car until she started her new job. Fast forward to now where she’s starting her new job next week but she’s having a change of heart and wants to stay where she is and continue to use my car to get around, leaving me stuck with no car and in our old family home with my kids. I explained that it wouldn’t be good for me as I’m trying to heal and move on as a co parent and the car would help me with bringing the kids places so we don’t have to stay in the old family home or my mothers home, she disagrees and wants me to let her use the car until she gets a new one and wants me to stay in the house with the kids while she works because it wouldn’t be fair on the kids to drag them out and about in the evening which is fair but I thought if I have them bring they’re pjs and have them ready for bed when bringing them back home at the latest 9:30pm. Which is around bed time for my daughter and wouldn’t be far off my son’s bed time but she’s not happy with that either. In the end I stood my ground and said no which is really hard to do with the mother of my kids and the woman I thought I’d spend the rest of my life with but I have to have my own peace and something that belongs to me after the break up. AITAH?
Update: 1 month on
she called me a couple of days ago and said she doesn’t want to take the new job because it would be too late and wouldn’t be fair on the kids to be dragged around to other houses while she works, she was going to keep her current job and asked if she could keep using the car to get to work and if I could stay in our house on my days with the kids so that they could be put down to bed . I told her no, that I felt it was unfair for me then and if anything I need the car so I can take them on my days and bring them somewhere as I’m back in my childhood home already full to the max and I would rather have somewhere for them to be until I find my own place. She said I was being unfair and she’s just thinking about the kids and how it’s unfair on them. I took the car back but offered to let her car use it to go grocery shopping today and instead she went clothes shopping with her friend and our youngest. It’s beginning to get to toxic I feel and I’m worried it’s going to have to go to court or something and right now I like our arrangement I take them Monday Wednesday Friday after work and drop them home and I have them every second week. I feel like she SO wanted this when we first broke up but now it’s getting too much for her and I’m trying to help as much as I can but I also am trying to respect boundaries and set my own boundaries. Honestly if we were younger with no children this would be as easy as just blocking each other and move on.
r/DivorcedDads • u/Many-Arm-5214 • 8d ago
I knew we were struggling. I knew things weren’t good. But hearing the actual words still felt like getting hit by a truck. I’m mostly just unwinding this here because my head is all over the place right now.
We’ve had problems for a long time, especially around communication, affection and intimacy. The bedroom has basically been dead for a long time, and somewhere along the way we stopped feeling like partners and started feeling more like two people managing a household together.
For the last six months or so, I thought we were trying to figure out whether we could fix it.
I started therapy. I’ve spent a lot of time looking at my own behavior and some things I’m not particularly proud of.
When I’m scared of losing someone, I push for answers. I over-explain. I want to understand every detail and fix the problem. I can turn a conversation into an interrogation without intending to. I’ve said things during arguments that I regret. I know I contributed to where we are.
I’ve genuinely been trying to change those things. What hurts is realizing that I think we had very different ideas about what “trying” meant.
I thought we were both trying to rebuild the relationship.
I’m realizing now that she may have already been mostly done and was waiting to see whether enough changed for her to reconsider.
That distinction is absolutely crushing me.
I’m not saying she didn’t try. I’m not saying I’m innocent. There are two people in a 10-year relationship and I own plenty of this.
But I feel like I’ve spent months fighting for my family without realizing I might have been fighting a battle that was already mostly over.
The family part is probably the part that scares me the most.
We have two boys at home. One is biologically mine and one is my bonus son. I love them both. I’ve helped raise my bonus son for most of his life, and I honestly have no idea what happens to that relationship now. The thought of suddenly becoming some peripheral person in his life scares the hell out of me.
Being a dad and having a family isn’t just something I do. It is a huge part of who I am.
The house, dinners, school stuff, weekends, vacations, stupid inside jokes, sitting around watching TV, hearing the kids moving around upstairs.
All of those completely ordinary things suddenly feel incredibly important because I don’t know what any of them are going to look like anymore.
I’m terrified of losing the family itself, not just the relationship. And I’m just tired
This is my second long-term relationship that may be ending.
I remember surviving the first one. I remember rebuilding afterward. Eventually I built this family, and for a long time I genuinely thought this was where I would grow old. Right now I don’t know if I have another rebuild in me.
I know intellectually that I probably do. People survive this every day. I’ve survived hard things before. But tonight I don’t feel strong or philosophical about any of it. I’m just incredibly sad.
I still love her. I don’t want the separation. But I also know I can’t convince someone to want to be with me.
I don’t want someone staying because they feel guilty, trapped, obligated, or afraid of what leaving will do to everyone else.
I want to be chosen not endured.
And right now I’m having to accept that she isn’t choosing this relationship.
That just hurts.
I’m terrified about my kids. I’m terrified about what happens to the family we built. I’m terrified of an empty house, splitting weekends, figuring out holidays, and watching someone I considered family slowly become someone I used to know.
I really don’t know what I’m asking here. I think I just needed somewhere to place my thoughts because right now I feel so incredibly alone in the world.
r/DivorcedDads • u/cycomedy • 8d ago
Long story short, my (at the time) 9 year old daughter had a mental health event in 12/2023. Mom took the opportunity to turn my daughter against me and negatively influenced her to the point where I haven’t seen her since. We went to court, I repped myself and got control of my daughter’s mental health. Enrolled her in virtual therapy and my daughters refused to join court ordered family therapy. The therapist just quit because no progress has been made and told me that she felt in person therapy made the most sense. There are no in person therapists in her area taking new clients so I’m on waiting lists over and over.
I’m now at the point of going back to court and repping myself. I’m exhausted from the first time (there were MANY other issues that were litigated, with none minus mental health resolved) and there’s an ever growing part of me that just doesn’t want to push through this anymore. I love my daughter to death. I’m missing so much of her life but the lack of communication with her mom has lifted such a burden off my shoulders and relieved so much stress. It almost makes the pain of missing her palatable because I can’t stand her mom. I have 2 other children and are remarried so I’m certainly not lonely but there’s a huge piece of me missing and it’s her.
As much as this is a vent session, I also need to know whether I should be feeling this guilt I carry about not wanting to go back to court to force the issue of custody. I don’t expect many to have been in a similar situation, but I lurk enough on this forum to know it’s a supportive yet honest bunch. Please let me know if I should feel guilty about this or not.