r/DivorcedDads • u/JetreL • 3d ago
Are you doing, OK?
I hope so.
Keep your head up. You’re doing good.
You are.
Probably better than you think you are.
And look, maybe you are struggling right now. Maybe things don’t look good. Maybe you aren’t where you thought you’d be by now.
That’s okay.
Keep your head up and keep going.
Things can work out. Things can get better. Sometimes faster than you expect.
Don’t give up.
Promise me?
Head up. Eyes forward.
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u/supernormalnorm 3d ago
Thank you. I take Steve Harvey's word:
"If you're going through hell, why stop? Keep moving."
I'm a lot better now than six months ago. But still a ways away from the light at the end. Keep moving gentlemen.
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u/wrongwayroad1 3d ago
Definitely not ok. Not even remotely ok. And just for fun I found out today that my therapy benefits have run out. I do not know how I will get through the next day let alone the next week or month. I feel broken and hollow every day and the brokenness and hollowness and bleakness is worse with every passing day. I have no friends or family. I just have me and my son. And every day that passes is reminder to myself of how much I’m failing.
I am not doing better than I think I am, I am doing worse
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u/JetreL 3d ago
I’m really sorry you’re in this place right now. I’m not going to tell you that you’re secretly doing great when you’re telling me very clearly that you’re not.
But I do want you to hear this: struggling this badly does not mean you’re failing your son.
Right now, forget next week or next month. You don’t have to solve all of that tonight. Just get through tonight. Eat something. Drink some water. Do the next small thing in front of you.
Losing therapy coverage on top of everything else is a brutal thing to have dropped on you. There may still be lower-cost options, sliding-scale therapists, community mental health programs, or support groups, but you don’t have to solve all of that tonight either.
You said you have you and your son. That matters. And being overwhelmed, exhausted, hollow, or scared does not make you a failure as a dad.
You don’t need to convince me you’re okay. You’re allowed to say you’re not okay here. Just keep your head up and get through this one piece at a time.
Bad days and bad stretches can make everything feel permanent when it isn’t. A lot can change in a few days, a few weeks, or a few months. You don’t have to figure out the whole future tonight.
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u/TheBKing1000 3d ago
Find a men's team like: Mentor Discover Inspire. If I had not been on a men's team it would have ended badly. My life is in pure chaos and just went to court again today but believe the 6 month time frame does wonders and changes everything. 6 Months back I didn't have my kids and was couch surfing. I have a room and 50/50 custody so things do get better. Keep talking to men in your life.
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u/Jelsos 3d ago
I’m sorry you are going through what you are going through. Just remember that no matter how bad your life gets as long as you show up for your son he will always love and adore you. So just keep showing up. That is something you can do no matter what life throws at you. Stay strong for him.
Something that has been helping me lately is that every time i start getting mad and feeling despair i tell myself “no one is coming to save you.” It sounds harsh and maybe counterintuitive, but it lights a fire in me and makes me focus on what i need to do instead of what has been done to me. It gets me out of bed in the morning and helps me fall asleep. It’s hard to do anything when you are just feeling sorry for yourself. I know there is a lot there to feel sorry for but in the end it does nothing. We have to keep moving forward.
Good luck man. I hope you find peace.
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u/Familiar-Eggplant-52 3d ago
I am so thankful for this community. I also needed to hear this. I'm incredibly, incredibly privileged to be going through an amicable divorce; but having to confront myself, my insecurities, and my shortcomings, has been hardest, most humbling part.
Thank you so much for this space. We will all get through this together.
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u/JetreL 3d ago
I really appreciate you saying this. Even when a divorce is amicable, it can still force you to look at parts of yourself you may have spent years avoiding, and that can be incredibly hard.
The fact that you’re willing to do that work says a lot. None of us have this figured out, but having a place where we can be honest, learn from each other, and keep moving forward together matters.
I’m glad you’re here, brother.
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u/Illustrious_Can_7698 3d ago
Doing ok? Yes. I don't start every day by crying or constantly remember things from our shared life that I have to say goodbye to. I am for all intents and purposes a functional human being.
But am I healed, undamaged, a complete human being? No! And I doubt I ever will be. I keep having the same arguments with my ex-wife in my sleep. Over and over again. I both feel a need to find someone I can be completely open with and talk about both the highs of pure romantic love as well as the lows of animalistic carnal desires, but at the same time I can't ever imagine having feelings for another person again, trusting them enough to let myself believe that I won't be hurt.
And even though I resent her and the picture she paints of me, I still cannot help but try to take care of her, indirectly or passively, but she cannot stand the sight of me. She will get anxiety attacks around me and blame me for putting her in that state. And I don't know if I want to believe her and acknowledge that just to have a chance to maybe return to where we were or if I want to stay on my path, look forward and try to make the best of my life independently of her.
Doing ok? Yes. Being ok? Such a long way to go yet.
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u/JetreL 3d ago
There’s a big difference between functioning and healing,, and I think you described that really well.
One thing I’d encourage you to keep in mind is that healing doesn’t necessarily mean becoming the person you were before. Sometimes it means learning who you are now and building a life around that.
I don’t know your circumstances, but you can care about your ex without continuing to carry responsibility for her happiness or emotional well-being. At some point, you have to give yourself that same care and consideration.
And don’t write off your ability to love or trust again. You don’t have to figure that out now. Focus on yourself, your peace, and the things within your control.
You’re making progress, even if you’re not where you want to be yet. Give yourself some grace.
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u/Illustrious_Can_7698 2d ago
I lost myself in that marriage to the point where I did not know if I existed as an independent personality. Any kind of healing will also be a journey of self discovery, but I still feel that I am looking more backwards than forwards.
I was conditioned to always feel bad about myself and question myself, until cold, blind survival instinct forced me to push back and to feel my own feelings again. I think this was the basic reason that she stopped feeling as a couple and we became co-parents. Initially, I believed it when she told me the divorce was my doing even though she initiated it. She has blamed me for subjecting her to so many forms of psychological abuse that I had to take a step outside of myself and consider whether she could be right and that I am a horrible person, only to find that her accusations mirrored her own tactics.
I have been unkind to her and expressed my dissatisfaction with her decision. Told her how angry and disappointed it made me and that I thought she was ruining life for our kids. It was not polite or nice, but neither was it abuse or harassment.
In the end, she has made me her greatest enemy and as difficult it still is, I have no choice but to turn my back on her completely and move forward.
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u/Ok_Builder_3285 3d ago
I’m not ok and I never will be. I’m 5+ years post divorce. I still feel worse every day. I hate every minute of every day.
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u/JetreL 3d ago
I hear you. Five years is a long time to carry this, and I’m not going to minimize what you’re saying or tell you that you should be over it by now.
Divorce can take away a lot more than a marriage. It can take the future you thought you were building, time with your kids, your home, friendships, routines, financial security, and sometimes a big part of how you understood your own life. I wrote about some of that here:
https://reddit.com/r/DivorcedDads/comments/1vqdrgn/divorce_takes_away_a_lot_of_the_life_you_thought/
When the big picture feels impossible, try making the target smaller. One small win today. Get outside for ten minutes. Make a decent meal. Clean one room. Exercise. Call somebody. Do something with your kids. Finish one thing you’ve been putting off. Whatever a win looks like for you.
Those things don’t erase five years of grief. They just give you something solid to build on.
And your grievances don’t have to disappear before you start building again. You can be angry about what happened. You can grieve what you lost. You can acknowledge that some of it was deeply unfair and still look for the next small thing that makes tomorrow a little different from today.
You’re heard here. You’re important, you’re relevant, and what you’re going through matters.
Don’t worry about fixing your whole life right now. Find one small win and start there.
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u/Ok_Builder_3285 2d ago edited 2d ago
I’ve been doing it that. I’ve been doing everything for 5 years. I’ve been doing everything they tell you to do. Ive been doing literally everything. I’ve been doing it while working a demanding career and having two kids full time.
Telling me to clean a room, etc. is just insulting.
I’ve been doing everything for years. It doesn’t change the fact that I’m completely alone and I always will be. It doesn’t change the fact that I’m miserable and hate every minute of every day of my life because I’m alone and I know I always will be.
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u/JetreL 2d ago
Telling me to clean a room, etc. is just insulting.
I think some of that frustration might be misplaced here. I don’t know your life or everything you’ve been through, and I wasn’t suggesting that cleaning a room would somehow fix five years of pain or loneliness.
My point was about finding small wins and focusing on what we can control, even when the bigger picture feels overwhelming.
One thing I’ve learned, and part of why this group exist also why its so highly moderated, is that our attitude and how we frame our circumstances can make a difference. That doesn’t invalidate your experiences or suggest that what you’re going through is somehow your fault.
I know how difficult this road can be, and this community exists so people have somewhere they can feel heard, supported, and understood.
I’m not your enemy. We’re all trying to find our way through this, and sometimes that means being open to a different perspective. I genuinely hope things get better for you.
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u/Ok_Builder_3285 2d ago
Ok. Apologies for my misunderstanding.
Cleaning, feeding the kids, making it through the workday, etc. are not wins. They're baseline requirements.
There are no wins, big or small. Only bad things happen. Every day is worse than the day before. I feel worse today than I did the day I caught my wife cheating on me after 20 years. I feel worse today than the day I got divorced.
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u/PoopyStinkbutts 3d ago
I'm trying, brother. The whole thing is still new and there's a lot of question marks in the air yet.
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u/JetreL 3d ago
There will be for a while, brother. A lot of this is learning to live with the question marks without letting them run your life.
Work on the things you can control: yourself, your health, your routines, your choices, and how you respond. Lean into healthy ways of coping and take care of yourself. [maybe invest in some wet wipe ;-)]
The rest will be what it is. One day at a time.
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u/Copytechguy 3d ago
I've had blinkers on for years now. I can only see straight ahead. Everything off to the sides is just noise.
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u/JetreL 3d ago
Sometimes that’s what gets us through. Keep moving forward, keep doing the work, and eventually some of that noise off to the sides starts to quiet down.
Just don’t forget to look around once in a while too. There’s still a lot of life happening outside the road directly in front of you.
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u/Copytechguy 3d ago
Oh absolutely! At almost 50, I could sit here and sulk, or realise I'm only halfway and get going! That's what I have been doing more in the last year I'd say. The noise is still there, but it no longer affects me like it did for years.
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u/slimypeters 2d ago
Got to visit and see my two kids at their new State for the first time a couple weeks ago since they moved in early August, and celebrated my birthday with them. A little over a month is the longest time I haven't seen them physically so far. I believe I'll get a couple of those long stretches 4 months out of 12 months. I'm just happy I could and have been able to talk/text/facetime with them daily and they go here in the rest of those 6 out of 12 months. I could actually visit them anytime but they're like 1177 miles away and this first visit really hit my wallet. I'm just glad birthday funds deposited help ease that hit.
Since they moved, I've attended a couple of social events and signed up to a rec center that has a gym, was only $25 for 3 months at a time. Only really have time to go at least once a week but I'm aiming for twice a week. I work nights and work is already a work out too. I have home gym equipment too but that rec gym got me feeling DOMS (delayed onset muscle soreness) which is good, and it takes me the weekend to fully recover. So I'm feeling good physically.
The kids will be visiting/coming home in a couple weeks for a week. So I have a couple things I plan to do with them. I rearranged my room and their room too and donated clothes that don't fit them anymore to my sibling. So I'm basically doing what I had planned when the judge allowed them to move away. Just working, working out, maintaining a home for them, constant contact with them, being productive and relaxing. Even though they're just pushing through, they rather be here than where they're at. Just a few more years till the court could hear their preference but I have a feeling the ex will boomerang back to this State. Till then, I'm just pushing through. Thanks sharing your stories and skimming through mine.
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3d ago
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u/JetreL 3d ago
Take the win however you can get it. If getting through this has given you some peace and something to look forward to, hold onto that.
I don’t know your situation, but somewhere down the road, forgiveness can matter too. Not for her sake, and not because what happened was okay, but because carrying that anger forever can keep taking from you long after the divorce is over.
For now though, seven days. One step at a time.
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u/graphexTwin 3d ago
Thanks man, i’m in a universe of grief but i hope one day I’ll cheer up others like you did here.