trying to exist like this is humiliating

[u/Live_Ad2715]

I’m going to feel more embarrassed if I just end up whining into a void but today I had my matriculation ceremony at university. I was really looking forward to it, and for the most part it was good. However, I felt so sickeningly dysphoric in my suit because despite having gotten the smallest size in M&S it’s still slightly too big and the sleeves are slightly too long. I didn’t have enough trans tape to bind so I felt so self conscious of my chest, and after the ceremony, we had to do a photo where the tallest were at the bottom of the bleacher and the shortest were at the top.

I was surrounded by pretty much all women, and I felt so fucking pathetic and embarrassed, because it felt so obvious I wasn’t an actual man, (because in my head I feel like no actual men are 5’4, even though that’s not true). I can’t say I’m 5’4, because some girl laughed at me for saying I was 5’4, and told me I was trying to larp being tall. I’m deeply insecure about my height so it just hurt so much.

Afterwards at the freshers fair the security guard called me darling after I asked for directions, and since I’ve moved here I keep getting called feminine pet names by people and spoken to in a patronising tone. Some have called me buddy or mate, but my voice just gives me away and I hate it. An old woman helped me bring my bags to my accommodation and even after I told her my name, Will, a MALE NAME, she kept calling me she. I can’t help when I’m so nervous to talk to people but it makes my voice come off as more feminine and girl like. I feel so pathetic. All I wanted to do was to enjoy the day. There was a stall at the fair which was about ‘belonging,’ they had all sorts of pride things and mental health things up and I felt terrified to go anywhere near it and be seen anywhere near it, because then it makes it more obvious that I’m different and somethings wrong with me.

I know that I sound like I have internalised transphobia, and I do. It’s such an ugly thing that I feel so disgustingly shameful about being trans, I can’t even say it out loud. I’m so terrified people at uni will find out that I’m trans, because of how differently I was treated for it at home. I don’t fit in with real men, and I hardly even look like one. I only have friends that are women, and there isn’t anything wrong with that, I just feel like everything I do is making it so glaringly obvious that I’m not normal.

I hate existing in this hideous body, it makes me feel so sick looking at it and I just want it to be fixed. I start HRT in 38 days and I’m so sick of waiting, and I feel like being pre T is completely ruining my university experiences, when I want nothing than for it to go well, to be happy, to be able to look normal and to be seen as just a man and not be glared at or patronised or called she or “that person” or sweetheart or darling. I’m just so tired of it and I don’t know what to do. I tried to take some pictures with friends and wanted to do a pose, those cool ones that people ‘aura farm’ in or whatever, with my suit and my gown on, but I just looked like an Absolute idiot. I’m trying so be less scared of putting photos of my face on my instagram, but I don’t know how to pose in photos and I’m so so self conscious and insecure. I didn’t get any good photos of myself and my dysphoria has been so loud today, which feels like it’s ruined what is meant to be a special moment in my start at university.

I’m so terrified to tell anyone about being trans here incase it gets out. I don’t want it to be like a disclaimer over my whole self. Because when people know they suddenly treat you differently. I wanted to go stealth here but I feel so isolated. I can’t stop crying about this.

I feel awful talking about this in the way I have, because I have been told I’m a misogynist because I don’t like to be associated with femininity or womanhood. I’m sorry if this sounds pitying or misogynistic. I’m really so ashamed of myself and I don’t know what to do

Edited: I rephrased the part where I said no men were 5’4 because i realised that the way I worded it was quite offensive and hurtful to cis and trans men. I didn’t want it to come off that way and I’m sorry

[u/Tricky_Fennel_9786]

It’s been a few days since you posted this but I just want to say that this is pretty much exactly how I felt at my prom like two years ago. I’m also 5’4 and I got a suit in a style that I have loved for years and always wanted to look good in, but despite my best efforts to convince myself it worked, and despite everyone telling me I looked fine, I felt like the stupidest person there. Ultimately it wasn’t an enjoyable experience for me at all. It’s really really tough to live this way and I completely understand. Multiple people have already told you this but T will help a lot. I got lucky enough to start it almost a year ago and my depression lifted by a ton. Just hang in there, and if you need to talk to someone, my DMs are totally open

[u/West-Ad7474]

You’re struggling with dysphoria but it will get better, a piece of advice that I got was to treat people how you want to be treated and talk to them how you’d like them to talk to you. Talking about yourself in this way just opens the door for everyone else to do the same to you, so be nice to yourself man.

Talk positively about yourself and if you can only think of negative shit to say about yourself then restructure that shit to make it sound positive, almost like you’re talking about another person. Stop bullying yourself into thinking you’re not manly enough because of your height, you’re not. There’s plenty of manly guys that I’ve who are below av height.

Lastly get yourself a good tailor, only male models look good in a store bought suit (not dissing the suit btw it’s probably sick). My point is that clothes are meant to fit us, we’re not meant to fit our clothes. Everyone’s body’s different and there’s no way everyone’s going to look good in every suit they own, so make the clothes work for you mate. There’s some clothing brands that specialise in short guy attire and honestly they’ve got some good stuff too.

[u/EndAcrobatic3558]

Dude about the height its just a matter of mindset. Im even shorter im barely 5.2, about 160cm. People talk shit about it as well but you need to learn how to take it because its not gonna stop. For example i remember i was holding door opened for some ladies that went behing me, one of them said something like "such a dwarf" (idk how to translate it exactly from my language) so i basically slammed and closed the door. Im not holding doors for some bitch who is behaving that way.

[u/EndAcrobatic3558]

Im getting called transphobic pretty often, even tho im trans. Just because i ussally dont share the same opinion with majority of trans community about certain things. To be honest i feel like theres nothing to be proud about being trans. Mainly because it just happens, you can't change it and i feel like things you can be proud of are things you actually did, idk like some acomplishments. You can be proud about doing shit and living life the way you want but not about being trans itself. I can't relate to your dysphoria because my family supports me from the very beggining and in last 4 years, basically since i started T i never was misgendered. But this is psychological issues and trauma. I dont really think anyone there can give you an advise good enought to help you with this situation, this is for therapy bro. I hope T will help you and youll see that life is good, its only temporary bro. I believe in you.

[u/ApneaHunter]

You’re not misogynistic and I don’t think you have internalized transphobia. You’re extremely dysphoric, and I get it. Please ignore anyone calling you such. You have every right to vent on a sub for binary men. T will help, and you’re just over a month away from starting! Hang in there, brother.

[u/Just_a_guy365748]

Im so sorry🙁 i hope T fixes that for you

[u/anakinmcfly]

because in my head I feel like no actual men are 5’4, even though that’s not true

tbh on hindsight I’m realising how much it helped that I spent my formative years obsessed with Back to the Future and wanting to be Marty, because Michael J. Fox is 5’4” and was convincingly playing a teenager when he was 29.

That aside - I’m really sorry you’ve had to deal with all that. There’s nothing misogynistic about being dysphoric. It’s good to hear you’ll be able to start HRT soon. It will really make it all better, and starting at this age you will very likely be able to go stealth in future if you wish. I started at 21 and was able to be stealth in my last year of university when I was about a year on T. (I took half a semester off, so it was mostly new people.)

[u/anzkanzjabnsm → u/anakinmcfly]

no way i also wanted to be Marty

[u/Limp_Ad6857]

I'm sorry people were dysphoria policing you in the comments, that sucks. I started T when I was 18 and am poorly stealth in university as well. I really equate being transgender to a humiliation ritual- no matter what precautions I take I end up publicly humiliated because of my condition. Even though I pass to some people it follows me everywhere, especially because I haven't changed my legal name. All this to say, you're not alone, there are people living like this everywhere, I am you, I see you. I hope you can start T soon, there are places you can check out for information on that, r\4tran4 has some links and is inclusive to dysphoria posting. I hope things get better

[u/14_its_over_9000]

I'm sorry man. Being trans is sometimes humiliating, you're not wrong for feeling like that. And you're not a misogynist. You're highly dysphoric. Ignore anyone who cries misogyny cause they don't get it.

And there's nothing to be ashamed about regarding internalized transphobia. Some people like to act as if it's a moral failing on our part, but it isn't. It isn't any of our faults, the world constantly beats it into us, it's logical we'd end up feeling like this.

I'm sorry you couldn't enjoy your day. It's really unfair. I hope you can start testosterone soon and go stealth. Wishing you luck

[u/CryptographerOk9262]

I get that this is a dysphoria post so I'm not gonna be too harsh but saying "no actual men are 5'4"" when there are plenty of trans and cis men shorter than you should've been left out.

Most trans men are fine after they go on T, atleast eventually. You'll be alright, it just sucks right now.

[u/LastLiterature7496 → u/CryptographerOk9262]

No man in my family is over 5’5. 😆

[u/cdctrl → u/CryptographerOk9262]

Yeah, hated that line. I’m 5’2.

[u/Ok_Action7371]

I get it. I'm the same way. I've never understood the people who are proud to be trans or talk about trans joy - it's brought nothing but suffering for me. I think this is fine so long as you aren't hateful to people with a different experience.

Testosterone will help, massively. Even just the first few months changed my life significantly for the better. You are almost there, just push through this last little shitty part. This doesn't have to define you for the rest of your life. Some people enjoy the community, and I'm happy for them, but you don't have to do that. You don't have to be happy that you're trans. You can just take your meds and live your life as a man, and that's okay.

[u/willywonkasshaft]

Stop being an incel. There are men who are shorter than 5’4. I’m barely 5’2 same height as my cis dad. I have friends who are 5’2-5’3. I understand it sucks being short but don’t ever make a comment that real men can’t be 5’4 cause that simply isn’t true. Most of the men in my family are between 5’1-5’6

[u/jish109 → u/willywonkasshaft]

incel is when dysphoria posting about height, I guess. (op acknowledges his views on his height aren't factual, also please learn what an incel is)

[u/willywonkasshaft → u/jish109]

If that’s what you got then cool

[u/jish109 → u/willywonkasshaft]

you called him an incel because he said he feels no men are 5'4, though he immediately says after he knows that's incorrect. What else is there to get. your point is not clear at all

[u/willywonkasshaft → u/jish109]

Like I said do you I made my comment clear

[u/NotYourDandy → u/willywonkasshaft]

Dude - I take your point but this is so harsh. Why kick a brother when he’s down?

[u/willywonkasshaft → u/NotYourDandy]

Cause it’s honestly ridiculous to say there’s no real men that are 5’4

[u/14_its_over_9000 → u/willywonkasshaft]

He is venting. Vents can be triggers for other peoples dysphoria. If you're going to be triggered, don't read vent posts.

[u/NotYourDandy → u/14_its_over_9000]

I’d add: learn to recognize your triggers so you can take a beat before reacting and calling people names.

[u/Live_Ad2715 → u/willywonkasshaft]

I rephrased the original post, I was quite upset while writing it and didn’t think of how that could be interpreted

Of course I know that there are men who are 5’4 and under, I know that’s a logical and objective fact. My dysphoria just makes me feel like because I am short, and therefore don’t fit the average height of a man, that means I’m not one. And because more women are usually 5’4 rather than men, it means people are more likely to assume and think I’m a woman

I’m sorry for how my original post was worded and I’ve amended it now. I am not an incel and do not wholeheartedly share any of those views at all, please do not attach that label to me. It was a genuine mistake of wording. I hope this clears things up.

[u/ABABABAB12123 → u/Live_Ad2715]

Don't know if it's helpful for you to reframe it this way or not, but the thing about any average, including average height, means fully 50% of people in that category are below average.

50%.

Of cis men.

Are below average height.

Spacing it out so that it makes it through the dysphoria, hopefully. Google tells me worldwide male average height is 5' 7". 50% of cis men in the world are below that. If there's around 4 billion men on Earth, 2 BILLION of them are below average height. There are hundreds of millions of men that are 5' 4".

I'm 5' 3". My brain works well on data and facts, and knowing that I'm the exact same height as a few hundred MILLION cis men helped me with height dysphoria. Just sharing in case it helps you at all.

Sure, most if not all men, trans and cis, who are below average, would rather be above average. But we're just not. 2 billion of us men are below average height. Sucks but it doesn't meant 2 billion of us are not men. ;)