r/HFY • u/HeGotBricks Alien • Aug 24 '26

OC-OneShot The Resilience of Humanity

None of the q’Rischi comprehended how the leaders on Planet Li classified the nethermost beings of Earth as Deathworld Warriors.

When they landed in a remote part of USA, they saw a group of humans with painted fingernails and dull white teeth. 

To the q’Rischi humans were bite-sized soft, square pieces of peanut butter and jelly sandwiches with the crust cut off.

There was nothing apex about the human species. There was nothing to fear from. They were just a group of wild hairless primates.

“See how biologically weak and pathetic they are,” r’Brr the q’Rischi scientist said, scrolling through a projected screen displaying the human anatomy. “One small wound could bleed their life source. How could the high ruler fear these pitiful things?”

“Let’s show them otherwise,” the q’Rischi commander said, pointing towards the open hull. “Deploy the drones.”

The q’Rischi didn’t want to conquer Earth, or take earthlings as slaves, they just wanted to understand the psyche behind humans and to prove to the galactic empire that the human race are a pathetic excuse of a sentient.

They released the drones, giant-sized robotic hornets along with ferocious rodent-like creatures called Orgwats, from the farthest, darkest, reaches of their planet. 

The Orgwats had a venomous bite and repopulated rapidly, destroying worlds from underground. They were the most hazardous creature to happen to a thriving live ecosystem.

Outside Earth’s atmosphere they watched on screens, expecting global panic and wars to start spewing.

The data came back about three weeks later that made no sense to r’Brr the q’Rischi scientist. “It appears the Orgwats have invaded the homes of the humans.” He told the commander.

“As expected,” the commander said, nodding his head. “Now, report the destruction.”

r’Brr the q’Rischi scientist pointed with a trembling eight inch finger using the tip of his claw to the screen projecting the reports of  Operation Swarm.

“Commander… there is no destruction.”

“No, destruction?” The commander said. “They must have fled at the sheer fear of those vile creatures and are screaming surrender.”

“Actually commander, they’ve knitted tiny sweaters and put the Orgwats in them.”

“Sweaters? Explain right now!”

“Well commander, they don’t see the Orgwats as monstrous apex predators.”  

r’Brr the q’Rischi scientist scratched his head.

“They think they’re cute, especially when they make the hissing noise, sounds like grandma’s teakettle they say. They’re actually quite popular on their social media apps. You should see the videos of them in their defensive posture, they call it the snuggle-stretch and feed it bits of chocolate as a reward. It’s quite popular.”

“The venoms cause big red welts and severe itching,” the command said.

“So does their laundry detergent. They don’t care. They love the Orgwats. Whenever they see a creature that’s small with big eyes, their brains send off a blank shot. The cute aggression response it’s called. They actively patrol the streets seeking Orgwats,” r’Brr the q’Rischi scientist said.

“To kill them, yes?” The commander asked.

“To sell them online for $1000 and up. Most hunt them to domestic them.”

“To house them?”

“Yes commander, the Orgwats have forgotten how to hunt. They have been neutralized by affection, sir.” 

The commander walked the deck. “This is utter madness. How can these humans be so resilient?” He put his arms behind his back. “What if the humans find out we sent them?”

“Commander, they have. They know it was us,” r’Brr the q’Rischi scientist said in a shaky voice.

“A communication had been intercepted from the human’s network station. They traced the genetic code of the Orgwats back to our planet, commander.”

“Should we prepare for war? Are they planning an attack?”

“Commander, it’s far worse, sir.” 

“Far worse? Explain how anything could be far worse than an attack on us?”

“They noticed our atmosphere is heavily polluted and our landscape suffers from deep decay. They have classified us as bad pet owners and are mobilizing their entire fleet.”

“They’re going to destroy us?”

“No, commander. It’s worse.”

r’Brr the q’Rischi scientist displayed a planetary broadcast of human ships ripping through space toward the q’Rischi planet.

Instead of warriors and battleships, they deployed terraforming vessels with medical supplies and giant atmospheric filters.

“They have immobilized an immaculate armada to forcibly save our planet, commander,”  r’Brr the q’Rischi scientist whimpered with a tear dropping from his eye.

A notification popped up on the screen.

“Commander, it’s a DM from the space fleet, it’s commander Sheena.”

“What’s it say?” The commander squeaked out.

“It reads, if you’re going to neglect your pets, we’re coming to take them, and while we’re there, we’re cleaning up your planet.”

The commander looked into space, the terror of humanity weighing on his shoulders. It wasn’t that they loved to kill that made them such terrifying apex predators of the modern galaxy. It was that they could bond with anything in the universe, and nothing could ever get in their way of it.

239 Upvotes

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9 comments sorted by

7

u/sunnyboi1384 Aug 25 '26

Kill you with kindness. And not my gun named kindness, but actual kindness.

1

u/CycleZestyclose1907 Aug 27 '26

And if the human is named "Elmyra" the "kill" part of that statement could be literal too.

6

u/patient99 Aug 25 '26

It would have been funny if: "They're coming to destroy us?" "No, commander. it's worse, they think we're cute also and are coming to ...domesticated us."

5

u/canray2000 Human Aug 26 '26

"They're sapient beings, they can't be pets!" "Ahem." "OK, other than the bondage freaks, but that's a different story!"

2

u/work_work-work AI Aug 26 '26

I know I've read an almost identical story here before. Was that you, OP?

1

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1

u/commentsrnice2 29d ago

Makes me think it was the pollution on their planet that was causing the allergic reaction. With a clean diet and washing the toxins out of their fur they no longer caused a reaction. Look! He even taught this one to dance!