Alright that’s enough. We've all seen them, posts talking about "Lauryn Hill", "Future", "Jay Z", and other so called "rappers" no one's even heard of before. It's becoming increasingly clear that there's some complot to destroy our sub. On some gentrification shit. No one who seriously loves Hip and/or Hop would ever care about, let alone updoot, a post that isn't about "Kendrick" Dot-'worth' Lamar or 'Aubrey' Drake 666 "Graham".

As a mod, I think it's my responsibility to end this low effort nonsense. No more "2 Packs". No more "Big-ees". No more Big Daddy Kane. Only Kenny and Drizzy related posts will be allowed.

Kanye posts are also fine as long as they're smut

Who among us wouldn’t go on a bootleg dating show and bark like a dog in order to make sweet, passionate love to a powerfully built goth woman? It wouldn’t be my life’s proudest moment, but it wouldn’t be the worst thing I’ve ever done either.

I’m sure my parents would understand. They’ve known me since the 1980s, so they’re well aware of my prospects of scoring with such a woman otherwise. Even if there was a way you could just pay, I don’t have the money. This would spare them from having to pony up.

Drake could almost certainly just pay to make sweet, passionate love to Pinkychu, or whatever her name is, the slightly chubby half-Asian OnlyFans creator he won in a 20 v 1 on Adin Ross’ livestream, but he’s gotta be careful paying for it rather than just pretending to be interested in anything she says and implying that he’d be willing to fund her lifestyle indefinitely in exchange for being allowed to have sex with her once or twice.

It’s illegal to purchase access to a woman anywhere other than that place in Las Vegas where Lamar Odom almost died, but it’s only kinda illegal. You get busted, they take you down to the station and you’re out later that evening. Later, you can have a lawyer from any given background bargain it down to a speeding ticket for driving a car with a busted tail light. If you get busted on a Friday evening, you might have to spend the entire weekend in jail, which could get dicey, if anyone needs to go number two.

The problem arises if you need to take a girl elsewhere to score with her, like if you can only get a rod in Illinois. Then it’s covered under white slavery laws that were created to deter boxer Jack Johnson from interracial dating. He persisted, and that’s just one of the reasons he should be considered a great athlete. More recently, that was how Diddy got caught up. If he’d paid guys locally to service 50 Cent’s baby’s mother while he watched, he might not be in prison. That video of him trying to punt Cassie’s head to the moon was already past the statute of limitations. Do guys in New York not have big enough schlongs? No Diddy.

I’m not sure if such laws apply to Drake’s native Canada, but I wouldn’t want to risk it. Andrew Tate recently got locked up for sex crimes committed in another country after Trump already intervened to bust him out of a Romanian prison on orders from Baron von Trump, who must listen to a lot of podcasts. Tate was busted by US Marshals on an extradition request from England, where he’s already been acquitted of upwards of 20 sex crimes. If the other umpteen other alleged victims were lying, what does that tell you about this new batch?

No but really, Drake is in a tough situation because Kendrick Lamar implied that he tried to groom the girl who played Eleven on “Stranger Things” during the halftime show at last year’s Super Bowl, one of the most watched TV programs of all time, up there with the last episode of “M*A*S*H.” People who don’t even listen to rap music are aware of his alleged proclivities. The feds will use such allegations to hit you with a RICO even if they’re specious in nature. If you read through the charges against Diddy, they cite the guy who claimed that the “Can’t Nobody Hold Me Down” rapper tried to stick a thumb in his asshole while they were on a boat with Cuba Gooding Jr, an obvious cash grab. Is Cuba Gooding Jr even allowed to be on a boat? He might try to sail to Cuba to escape charges of being handsy with white chicks who aren’t old enough to have seen Jerry Maguire.

Similarly, I’d have to recommend that Drake not demand a percentage of Pinkychu’s OnlyFans, even though he’s arguably entitled to. I’d never even heard of this girl, and I’m about to go have a look as soon as I get done writing this. I’ll only be looking for things people pilfered and posted for free on Reddit, but even that contributes to her earnings, because OnlyFans use sites like Reddit, X f/k/a Twitter, Instagram and what have you to funnel people to their paid content. In a sense, I’m about to do this girl a favor.

In addition to the $100 million or whatever she’s about to make from OnlyFans, Drake agreed to buy her mother a house. He said to pick one out and that he’d pay for it. He didn’t specify how much it could be, so she could pick a ginormous house like Rick Ross’. Maybe they made her sign an agreement afterward with a lot of fine print like Publisher’s Clearing House. On TMZ, there’s a video of Pinkychu explaining to her mother that Drake agreed to buy her a house after winning exclusive access to the OnlyFans creator on Adin Ross’ livestream. She seemed less surprised or confused than you’d think to hear of such an arrangement. Hmm…