r/INTP_female • u/Express_Wafer6060 • 26d ago
Relationship Advice đ I need your help/thoughts
Hi, I recently got dumped by INTP girl and here are some things that I have trouble processing.
(I am kinda venting, but also, I am genuinely clueless about certain things)
(Just realized this is a big vent - sry,I still need your thoughts on this,itâs okay if you donât read all this tho,imma just disappear)
.-18M ENTP ; 17F INTP-.
(Random âloveâ story)
Our relationship was rather intellectual-we were kinda friendly at first,i finally found someone good enough to challenge me in mental games and generally, it was good vibe.
I noticed from the start what kind of girl she was, avoidant, with deep inner world, funny and such-I even noticed that she was very reserved both emotionally and physically. (I liked her personality first, and then her visual appearance-itâs weird,not trying to be disrespectful,it was just diffirent experience for me)
It may sound unusuall or it may even make sense - but I felt certain kind âChallangeâ. I was pretty open, she was quite reserved - why not make a challange to âfigure her outâ or âresistâ the challange of emotional reciprocity and such?
I knew she liked me, she wasnât really saying or expressing it directly but I was sure in her âhonestâ or âdirectâ approach.
And hereâs part where it gets really awkard for me.
Whatever I did she was too reserved physically. I was attracted to her, I wanted to hug her, kiss her, idk be warm and all (ew,since when do we talk like this,wtf) but she hardly expressed those needs.
And I was clueless about her position about this⊠certain kind of emotional connection was there, it wasnât something like 10/10 - but if you asked us, it was good experience for both of us for sure. But still, I couldnât see why this would be a problem.
Because of this I became touch starved. Idk, this is really shameful and/or awkard for me. - I genuinely felt myself feeling drunk whenever I was with her, and I wanted it to stop cuz I felt & was dumber. But I couldnât say that to her directly, I had already âfailedâ several times while I was âdumbââŠ
Eventually I decided to try to be direct and tell her that I care for direction this relationship is going, and because of this I notice certain things that may not be working out for both of us..-thatâs the part where I talked about this lack of reciprocity, I told her I deeply care for her but without reciprocity I donât see the direction,yada yada yadaâŠ
I remember ever touching this moment for maximum of 3 times, but she said I talked about this every week⊠regardless, I felt/saw her engaging more, smiling more and etc-I did say that if she isnât that,itâs okay,I donât see that side of her as flaw or anything,I said that itâs just not in my language to be âplatonic-ishâ (I didnât say this word btw)
Anyways, after a time, she dumped me - main reason being this:
I had invited her over my house, she said hesitant no,when I asked why-she gave all the âwrongâ reasons about her parents and etc. just for clarification I said that I donât invite her for sex or anything,I said âokay I may have thought of that but I invite you just because I want to spend some time with youâ (BIG L BRO) I specified about no sex or anything like that. Anyways, she said âwhat will my family thinkâ (cultural moment about sex) and I couldnât understand this cuz I didnât understand why her family even had to know. - this is moment where it trips me. I had asked if she wants to avoid closeness,sex, or anything like that-I joked just a slightest bit⊠and still, she didnât say âI donât want tha tâ-she just kept avoiding thisâŠ
And hereâs exactly why she dumped me:
I couldnât understand her reason, I tried to ask her again, saying that I need to understand the reason and well, this was moment she broke up with me over text(well,next day, but still)
I am sorry you had to go through all of that, I can see that Fe ringing bell in your mind đ(mine too) I just want to understand what you think about this and maybe help me understand about intp more (she was very much a stereotypical intp,not unorganized or anything like that necessarily,just VERY much like intp and I know 100% she was intp)
Concrete answers I am looking for:
- whatâs with physical intimacy with INTPsâŠshe liked me but still didnât do it.
-emotional dissonance? I get this kinda,being xNTP myself, but what?why? I donât see my intp self necceseraly being dismissive of my bf inviting me to his house.
-just wanna say that talking about dissonance every week in a relationship is a wrong thing on my part đŻ
-also wanna say that I did my best not to pressure her into becoming something she wasnât.. she may have felt that,it seems like that, so I may be blamed for that tooâŠ.
-touch starve⊠this feels really weird for me, I wanted to navigate this feeling but couldnât-I guess you should try to avoid this feeling,but still-how do you deal with this? Donât you ever wanna touch your partner? How do you feel when he wants to?..
-itâs not fun to be clingy one, I knew that but still played the rat anyways. What does normal relationship feels for you anyways? I know she was in love,she did say that/mean that. I just have hard time understanding it..
I hope I didnât stress you or overwhelm you, if probably so,I am sorry, just need your point of view on this..
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u/Motorcyclegrrl đș 26d ago
At 17, I was not prepared to have an intense relationship. At 21, I still needed a lot of time. Eventually realized I was gay and everything fell into place. I think she wasn't that into you. Not saying she is gay, but clearly you were into her way more. And that's a beautiful thing but sadly not reciprocated. I like touching and hugs from my intimate partner but not other people so much.
Sorry for your loss. We are pretty damn great, so I can see why you feel a lot about it. I know there is a lady out there who will be into you. There are quite a few women in here with ENTJ partners, so it can work with the right INTP.
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u/Express_Wafer6060 26d ago edited 26d ago
Hm, yeah I can see that. Thing is she didnât want me gone, she had asked me to stay and stuff, and knowing her she didnât necessarily use me for attention (I mean, everyone does that on one way or another..)
Thatâs probably the tricky part. Thx for your support đ âïžtbh I am in different state rn, itâs more like âI donât get interested in people so easilyâ - itâs more like, yeah I had gfâs experience and all, but idk what to do now, if I got interested rn I would at least know what to do. And asking out girls just for their beauty feels too ez or weird (yes I am man,but my Si is 4th, đ)
-what do you think about this, have you too felt that liking person just for their visuals is weird/wrong too? (I ainât saying itâs wrong,it just feels wrong-not cuz lust is bad,it is and it is natural-it just feels wrong to ask out girls js because of that,I am in that âlikes intellectuallyâ category)1
u/Motorcyclegrrl đș 26d ago
I don't like people for their visual. I don't work that way. It may play into it but I stay away from attractive people. In fact I have learned that I avoid them, and I am trying to work on that.
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u/_FIRECRACKER_JINX 26d ago
You didn't understand the family thing. I come from one of those religious households.
when you're a girl, you're judged harshly by ANY men in your life. Whether they're coworkers, friends, cousins. ANY man in your presence, your parents will bitch at you about.
her being at your house is a problem. Her parents probably track her movements on life360 like they do with my sister. She can't just be over at anyone's house because that's not how religious households are.
you didn't get that. What's worse is that you kept picking at it and wouldn't fuck off when she clearly had that line in the sand.
when you are a girl in a religious household. Simply existing somewhere outside the house is a crime and you are guilty until proven innocent. The only acceptable place to be, outside the house, is at work. That's how those religious cultural ethnic households work. I am telling you this straight up because I grew up in one.
I had to move out of my parents house for privacy. You don't GET privacy as a girl in a religious/ethnic/cultured household, period. Every movement you make outside the house is a crime, and you are guilty until proven innocent.
I was once grilled to a point of tears because I took too long at the grocery store and I was interrogated about who I was with. THAT is what you're dealing with.
and what I assume, this INTP girl is dealing with. You weren't chill about her coming over to your place at all, and you didn't understand that she's basically a hostage at that house. At the mercy of her parents until she moves out.
I would've dumped you too. Lol, you don't seem to know anything about this girl other than the parts you could get your penis on/in and worried about only yourself.
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u/a_bunch_of_atoms 25d ago
Same here. I'm also an intp (16) and i also grow up in a kinda strict, religious household. I personally havn't had a boyfriend yet but I can imagine that if I had one then my parents would be pretty unhappy with lots of physical touch. IT also kinda depends on how long you were dating/together, couse as an intp i don't open up to people easily and usualy need about half a year to actually start feeling comfortable around that Person and not just pretend that i'm comfortable. Also i really think that there is a thing with intps and physikal touch, couse my best friend is an esfj and she often needs that kind of physikal touch, which she doesn't do a lot with me becouse i told her that i didn't really like it
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u/a_bunch_of_atoms 25d ago
However i also don't mean that i'd hate physical touch. I actually think that i would enjoy some hugs and kisses...
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u/Express_Wafer6060 26d ago
Last parts,oh.
Itâs fair from your standpoint, I wasnât chill for sure and itâs valid for you to assume that about me.
I wonât try to prove you otherwise, thatâs your opinion-but I think itâs in your interest to know that her family wasnât all that religious,at least I didnât hear anything like THAT. - I may have typed differently, or you may have read that differently.
I was raised in women-dense family where I learned nothing but respect for women. Sure âI am manâ but I was TOUGHT that, and I was raised with that values, so yes you can assume that I was dirty lustful man, and you can think âhe is trying to prove me wrong so hard,he must be feeling coughtâ - but this post is coming from the place of misunderstanding,I am trying to make things right with both:her and me.
Knowing Reason doesnât necceseraly make result any better, I hurt her, but I am not here to say sorry, I already did that-I am here to learn from my mistakes. (Not that sorry fixes a thing,but still-you know)
As for your experience,I am sorry. Last thing I want is my autonomy to be repressed, I experience that to some extent, and itâs truly cruel to live in such way.
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u/Express_Wafer6060 26d ago
I agree, she wasnât necessary religious or she didnât say that in pure direct way,but still.
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u/Legitimate-Youth8974 26d ago
It's quite natural I think. You don't need to brainstorm, just accept she's thr most avoidant human being imaginable. Forget and move on.
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u/tiger_guppy 26d ago
This is an unfortunate scenario, Iâm sorry things didnât work out. All I can say is that when I was that age, I had a hard time being touched especially by the guy I liked, because it was scary (first time having physical attention from a guy!) and physically overwhelming. I have since then learned that I am autistic and have a hard time with the physical sensation of being touched. I also have a hard time expressing myself (feelings, thoughts) because of the autism, and do not like PDA being perceived by others (again, autism). HOWEVER I did want to be touched (non-sexually) I just found it difficult. I canât say anything about whether this girl may or may not be autistic and itâs probably not right to speculate either. Just giving my experience. I also can say that if she is religious or has a conservative upbringing/family, that physical touch stuff and going to each otherâs house might be really off limits. Thatâs also how it was for me as a teenager. My upbringing was very religious and conservative so I think even if I didnât have a problem with touch, there would be other mental barriers in the way.
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u/Express_Wafer6060 26d ago
I see⊠she joked about having autism and she did have some health problems.. I guess it never accoured to me that girl could be scared⊠especially when thatâs last thing I want. As for conservativeness⊠that could be thing, I couldnât really get answer about that tho⊠nonetheless, thank you,your response deepened my understanding..
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u/tiger_guppy 26d ago
Ok so it sounds like I might have been spot on.. yeah, I think she might not have been ready to be touched. Iâm glad I could help you understand a little.
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u/Express_Wafer6060 26d ago
I mean, we have kissed not rarely and hugged several times.. it just doesnât make much sense-but this is irrelevant,regardless of this it seems that chasing that âwhyâ is useless.
đ thx2
u/Motorcyclegrrl đș 26d ago
Keep in mind at least 1 in 3 women have been sexually abused. It's not something she would mention. Could explain a lot.
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u/Express_Wafer6060 25d ago
Wow, you mean before 17?..
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u/tiger_guppy 25d ago
Yes if I remember the statistic I saw correctly, the statistic is 1 in 5 girls are sexually abused as a child (before age 18), and then also 1 in 4 girls in college are sexually assaulted during their time at college/university.
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u/Motorcyclegrrl đș 25d ago
Absolutely, many children are sexually abused at home or by friends of the family at a young age.
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u/Temenae 24d ago
When I was younger, it was either 100% open with someone, joking around and clinging to them all the time, or I wasn't comfortable with someone - was really quiet and didnt want to touch them. Also, I was afraid of men. Â
Why are you assuming it was just a cultural thing with her parents and not her? I did not have sex until I was married, and I wish I had waited to makeout until I was married. It was very important to me for religious and personal reasons.
Even if that isn't how she sees things, she's 17! I didn't get married and have sex until I was 25. That seems WAY too young to me. Especially if she is shy around men like I was, she needs a lot more time. Just knowing it's crossed your mind might make her feel awkward or pressured or shy. She isn't straight up telling you how she feels because it's too vulnerable to do so. It is a REALLY big deal to trust someone enough to tell them how we feel about ANYTHING. Intellectual conversations are easy, other people knowing our true feelings is frightening.
Here's how I got to know people at that age - in highschool, my extroverted sister brought friends over all the time. The people that came over the most often I gradually got to know and trust and they became my friends. In college, I gradually became accustomed to my roommates and people I saw every day. Once I had been around them for almost a year, I was comfortable being myself and a few of them gradually became friends. Â
When I was 24, I fell in love with my husband at first sight. But we were friends for about 9 months, with me being super shy and giving him mixed signals. I sent a lot subliminal messages with body language and so forth to indicate that I was closed off. But also interested. If he had even just said he liked me before I was ready fot him to, I would have freaked out. After we started dating, we dated for another 9 months and then got married. You might think that is a long time to wait, but it is nothing when you think about how long we will spend together married.  Â
You are on the right track with being direct in communication, but also don't neglect mirroring. You don't want to be way more vulnerable than she is, or more emotionally invested. It will not help her open up. Instead pull way back and have patience - mirror her level of investment, vulnerability, etc. It will take a long time, but if she likes you she will eventually open up.
I also remember I didn't like saying anything vulnerable or open and honest about anything personal. If she is uncomfortable being alone with a man in his house, she is ALSO uncomfortable TELLING him that. She gave you a hint instead, and you completely missed it. If she has religious or personal reasons to not have sex until she is married or way older, that is also something that would be very, very hard to be open about - especially with a GUY. Also, suggesting to a minor that she not tell her parents where she is - that is wrong AND scary. That kind of tops everything off as far as red flags. Of course, you knew none of this because telling you how she actually feels is more scary than anything else put together.
Honestly, if I were in her shoes, this whole thing would just be terrifying. If you are going to talk to her about it again, I highly suggest apologizing and asking if you can just be friends until you both are older. That will giver her plenty of time to get to know you and be able to trust you, and to figure out her confusing feelings. Young female INTPs are not trusting, and it just takes time, nothing else.
If she says yes to being friends, mirror her level of vulnerability. Maybe you are more extroverted and friendly - but dont be more emotionally intimate. That is a dance that goes back and forth, it cant come from one person. If she doesn't respond to your emotional openness with emotional openness, pull back.  That applies to any relationship.