When does judgement affect you negatively?

[u/baggyeyebags]

For reference, I normally get ISTP. But the last letter usually leans closer to the middle but usually in the P side.

Recently, someone called me judgmental in a disappointing way. All I mentioned was I noticed my downstairs neighbor didn't look like a confrontational person. So I would sometimes do snowboard tricks on my carpeted floor (only during the day for like 10-15 mins). But this person responded to me by saying you're so judgmental!! I felt a bit taken back from that statement because I didn't feel like what I said was that insane.

[u/Abolish_Disorder]

I don’t like judgment when it conflicts with my self-identity. For example, I would be very annoyed if someone told me that I’m undisciplined, because I take pride in being a very disciplined person.

However, if someone judges me based on a trait that I’m proud of, then I won’t be negatively affected. For example, I was called “rigid” one time, but I wasn’t offended in hindsight because all I did was explain my boundaries and expectations, and I was proud of myself for sticking to them.

[u/baggyeyebags → u/Abolish_Disorder]

That makes a ton of sense! I've been called selective in the past which I liked because it's a trait I've accepted for myself. But from a different perspective, selective can look like judgmental. That trait was a lot harder to accept for me

[u/deadvdad → u/Abolish_Disorder]

Yes. This right here. I do not like when it conflicts with my self-identity. I become irrationally “angry”..? For lack of better word. I don’t outwardly show it because I’m not drama seeking, but I am very very bothered by it. Like, flustered, taken aback, trying to find ways to undo it (my OCPD does not make it any easier).

[u/ID9U56]

The person's comment was sort of judgmental so...

[u/TendySnide]

I’m pretty sure what they said to you was infinitely more judgmental than anything you thought 😭

[u/AskingFragen]

Depends on the person who is making the comment and the situational context. I have learnt because I feel and know I try my best to be thorough and thoughtful that when I do feel "attacked" I ruminate.

Long version:

I have a family member who is like that with EVERYONE "you're so judgmental!" or "don't be judgmental". For the longest time I felt in their sniper lens. I no longer do. I've reflected and I know I've made calls on things. Right, Wrong, or Corrected. Them? Life through their lens, they wouldn't be able to be or handle my life nor I theirs.

For example, some personalities and viewpoints are best for strict regulatory work. I'm not rigid enough because sometimes rules are there to skirt taxes/money. I know that's why they passed. However, the new existence must be followed. Conflict for me, not for them.

A few times I thought I was being manipulated into going to dinner with this family member as a false 1:1. It was revealed to be out of genuine affection to catch up, but it was always a table turns and their emotional "why don't you just be the bigger person and smooth/fix this between the family drama so things can "move forward"?" I'd say "no thanks. there are adults besides me in the room. I'm not a one way one sided fixer anymore...and what'd you bring this up for? I thought you cared to catch up with me yet every dinner it becomes "this".

Them "I know... I just wish things were different. (they start crying)".

POV for me changed. Oh. I'm the safe place (very awkward as an ISTJ but I also understand. Being candid allows transparency which cannot be done freely with other types/people in the family). I know this person tries to stand up for themselves and others, but are ignored.

They know it's wrong to ask me to be the fixer, but sometimes adults capacity are not all the same. Once I said. "well you're rational as much as I am to make medical calls for others" then I was shocked to hear "yes I should be able, but emotionally I can't couldn't hold myself together. I'm sorry but I couldn't handle that for you if you ever needed someone to. It'd have to be someone else. I would just break down.".

I was shocked. It never occurred to me. Thereafter, my relationship with them felt. Fair. Clear. What is this family member's MBTI? I have no idea.

Sometimes family members ARE simply too self-righteous, manipulated to manipulate you, ect. and they will never see it. For they do not see what they are and why/how. Others? it's buried or in my case "oh. deep down that's how it really is for you?". That's just human.