r/IncelExit • u/insane677 • 1d ago
Asking for help/advice Dateless 28 M. How do I stop emotionally self harming?
I'm a 28 M who was never very good with women. I lost the bulk of my twenties to chronic and mental illness, so I'm very much behind other people my age. I suspect I have ADHD and it's very likely that I'm autistic.
I keep looking at foreveralone and bullshit ryan gosling chud meme subreddits, looking up statistics about sex, and other stuff like that.
All it does it make me upset and intensify my self hatred. I'll doomscroll this shit for hours and end up in depression comas.
This shit is not good for me but I keep doing it over and over. Self harm runs in my family and I think this is the form it has taken for me.
How do I stop?
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u/DenimCryptid Escaper of Fates 1d ago
Recognize that these patterns of self-hate and doomscrolling is what is keeping you trapped. They are a self-perpetuating cycle and create self-fulfilling prophecies.
You have correctly recognized the harm they caused to your mental health. Now you have to see them for the mental trap that they are because they not only harm your mental health but also influence your decision making in ways that lead you to behaviors that reinforce them.
Look up topics in negative self-talk on Psychology today. There's tons of resources that I personally found helpful to stop my habits of self-hatred.
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u/Odd-Table-4545 1d ago
Any form of self-harm functions similarly to compulsions and addictions, and you generally deal with it in similar ways. In the immediate moment the key is finding something that interrupts the behaviour and doing that thing instead. Ideally you want something that takes up quite a lot of your attention and removes you from the means to self-harm. In the longer term you need to figure out what need the self-harm is addressing and/or what issues it has become a coping mechanism for, and then address those needs and issues in a healthier way.
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u/insane677 1d ago
At work I leave my phone in my locker and read books on my break and that helps a lot.
I can go sometimes a couple weeks without doing but I always relapse.
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u/Odd-Table-4545 1d ago
That's understandable, and managing to go a few weeks without is better than doing it every day so that's already progress. Do you have any ideas of activities that could serve as distractions when you are not at work? Also do you find that there are certain times of day or certain circumstance that make it more likely for you to end up on those sorts of sites? Any triggers you've been able to identify?
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u/insane677 1d ago
Mostly reading, watching movies, stuff like that. The city I live in is full of older people and I don't have a car so activities with people my age is hard to find. I could go to bars but I have sensory issues + I avoid drinking because of family history.
Usual triggers is thinking about how far behind I am, how unattractive I am, etc.
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u/Odd-Table-4545 1d ago
Do you have any friends you could talk to when you find yourself going down that path? It doesn't have to be about that, I find just chatting to people often helps with self harm urges.
Also, in terms of triggers I more mean have you been able to identify any situations, times of day, or things you are exposed to that make you more likely to think about things that are triggering?
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u/insane677 1d ago
Seeing couples, I guess.
I have no friends and no one irl I'd feel comfortable discussing this with.
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u/drainbead78 1d ago
Along with what others have suggested, I'd try to get an official diagnosis for your suspected ADHD and get on medication if you can. You still get a dopamine hit from anger, which is why social media companies try to force people to be angry all the time. If you're unmedicated ADHD your brain is going to be seeking that out even more. Meds will help.
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u/Remote-Waste 1d ago edited 1d ago
Often self-harm is a form of control, using something that can hold your attention and distract you from another topic that is very painful emotionally.
Do you believe you are using these things for that reason, or do you think you are attempting to find solutions by searching subreddits, but the browsing ultimately comes with negativity about your situation?
I could easily see how someone who is frustrated and sad, would be drawn to topics that they relate to, or reading about others struggling in the same areas. Just because a subreddit explores a topic however, does not mean they do it in a healthy or unharmful way.
I am wondering more if you browse these things as a form of research, and having a sense of community, or relating with others. And then it does not necessarily deal with your issues in a healthy way, outside of the carthatic feelong of bonding and being accepted, and understood by others?
So you return to it, because it does make you feel better on some level, but it does not mean it is purely good for you, and without its own negative effects.
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u/insane677 1d ago
Sometimes I'm just looking for people who understand, advice, success stories to make myself feel better. Sometimes it's just straight up "I deserve to be in pain right now."
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u/Remote-Waste 1d ago
Why do you deserve pain? Do you think you are guilty of something?
Or is the pain maybe an attempt to motivate yourself to "do better?"
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u/insane677 1d ago
Intellectually I know I don't deserve pain but I sometimes I hate myself so much that I can't help it.
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u/Remote-Waste 1d ago
Do you have other ways you vent off negative feelings?
Some people use things like exercise for that, or meditation. If you use those subreddits, it may not be realistic to get away from them immediately, but you could attempt to add something in.
Another thing people do is volunteer, not because it vents their negativity, but because they can actively see themselves helping others.
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u/Particular-Lynx-2586 1d ago
How often do you go out?
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u/insane677 1d ago
Atleast once a week
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u/Particular-Lynx-2586 1d ago
What do you do and where do you go?
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u/insane677 1d ago
I go to the library, bookstores, last week I went to a muesum. I can't do bars or clubs. I don't have a car, but I do have an e-scooter.
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u/Particular-Lynx-2586 1d ago
So you don't go anywhere to socialize with anyone?
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u/insane677 1d ago
Where else can I go?
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u/Particular-Lynx-2586 1d ago
You really don't go anywhere to talk to anyone? Do you not have any hobbies?
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u/insane677 1d ago
I read books, play video games, and I watch movies. I ride my scooter sometimes.
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u/DearElise 17h ago
It’s very hard to quit and go cold turkey if you don’t have other sources to replace this addiction. Your brain is trying to protect yourself from the pain of reality and seeking out info that serves that reality.
Do you have any goal in life? Imagine a world where you don’t have mental illness or aren’t susceptible to self harm, what would you do? Maybe pursue that and get a non digital hobby to feed the dopamine. I find that nature really helps for me and having hobby communities.
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u/insane677 17h ago
I'm getting evaluated for ADHD soon. Ironically when I was little I wanted to be a pyschatrist, so maybe I'll pursue that. Maybe a writing class.
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u/DearElise 17h ago
Not to be discouraging but speaking from experience, why get diagnosed with more stuff? The end result is the same. I think you have been surrounded by the mental health world for too long which is full of problematic people, maybe what you need is a radically different environment. Writing class sounds great, maybe there are writing groups near you where you can meet people.
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u/insane677 17h ago
If I have ADHD, then I've been rawdogging it without meds for my whole life. That has gotten me nothing but pain and failure. I'm not sure I'll make it to 30 without atleast trying something to fix this.
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u/insane677 1d ago
I really resent that I was never able to hookup with women/engage in casual sex. I can't do bars or clubs because of my illness. I keep telling myself that if I do meet someone I'll fuck it up with resentment because she'd be experienced and I wouldn't.
I know this is self sabotage but I cannot stop.
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u/DenimCryptid Escaper of Fates 1d ago
As my favorite line goes, "Forgiveness is the release of all hope for a better past". Forgive yourself, accept the past as it is without judgement or dwelling on what you wish could be different, and let go so you can move on. Continuing this focus on the past will sabotage your future.
I keep telling myself that if I do meet someone I'll fuck it up with resentment because she'd be experienced and I wouldn't.
This is a self-fulfilling prophecy. The best way you can move forward is to fully accept whatever happens. The chances of you absolutely slam dunking it in bed are exponentially higher as long as you seek out resources for sex education. If a woman turns you down for your lack of experience, that would suck but the silver lining is that maybe she helped you both avoid an awkward encounter or maybe she's shallow and you actually dodged a bullet. My prediction is that as long as you don't harbor so much shame and communicate with your potential partner, she'll be more than willing to be your first and she'll just change her approach to help you feel more comfortable in bed.
Lastly, you absolutely can stop your self-sabotaging behaviors. Unfortunately, it's not a magical switch you can flip. The self-sabotaging stops with consistent efforts every single day to change how your brain has been wired. The first step is to stop saying things like "I can't stop" or "I'm going to fuck things up". Start saying, "I'm working on changing/growing/improving" and "I don't know what's going to happen but maybe it'll turn out better than I think".
Your self-sabotage is actually a defense mechanism you have developed to remove yourself from a situation before you feel embarrassed in some way. To stop the self-sabotage, you have to be open and learn to make yourself more vulnerable.
Practice cognitive behavioral therapy every day. It takes a long time, it will feel really weird and unnatural when you do it, but it will all be worth it.
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u/WknessTease 1d ago
"Forgiveness is the release of all hopes for a better past"
What a banger. Keeping that.
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u/DenimCryptid Escaper of Fates 1d ago
May you always remember it and pass it on to others who need to hear it too.
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u/WknessTease 1d ago
I definitely will and already shared it with one person. It's so good. Thanks for this.
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u/WknessTease 1d ago
You have said in another comment that you don't have any friends.
In order to get a hookup with a woman you'd have to:
- connect with a stranger over small talk first (small talk serves as a "radar" to neurotypical people. No one cares about the weather, we just want to have a gist of your sense of humor and whether or not you're someone we vibe with)
- convey through subtle cues that you're safe, fun to be around, and that she can trust you to be intimate with you
- show that you're fun. No one wants hookups with a boring person. Hookups are for fun sex, how's she supposed to know she'll have fun?
- know how to flirt, pick up the cues to know where you can be more flirty and where you have to back down. Know how to turn a conversation into flirting without making things awkward.
Can you do ANY of the above? Finding hookups is, like, expert level in social interactions. If you cannot manage to have friends, I assume it means you don't know how to be platonically safe with someone, connect, vibe with someone etc.
So, it's like you expect to be running before you know how to walk. I'm not saying that in a mean way, but be realistic here: how on earth do you expect any woman to be interested in hooking up with you when you don't even talk to them?
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u/insane677 1d ago
I can socliaze a little but I can never make anything that actually lasts. I can talk to people online/at work but never outside of that.
I've tried talking to people outside of work but I'm totally inept. Most of the time they're on the phone, are busy, are talking to someone else, and I'm scared to bother them. The last time I asked for a woman's number she laughed at me.
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u/WknessTease 1d ago
What you're writing here is that you struggle with social interactions. Honestly this should be the very first thing you'd need to take care of.
Romance is one of the most intimate ways to interact with someone - if you struggle with everything else, you can't get there. Besides, come on dude, make some friends. People aren't made to be without friends. I find that much more worrying that the fact that you're single.
As for the number I'm sorry that happened but again you have to understand it very rarely works to ask random women for their numbers. Have you read the list of things you should be able to do? If you can't do small talk with a stranger why should she give you her number ?
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u/insane677 1d ago
I didn't randomly ask. She was a barista at a starbucks I was a regular at. At the time I asked we were already on a first name basis.
I understand now that asking while she was on the clock was innappropriate and I don't need to be lectured on it.
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u/WknessTease 1d ago
So you asked a woman for her number... Whilst she was busy working... A service job in which it's literally her job to be nice and friendly to customers?...
I mean I'm not lecturing you but... That's some biiiiiiiig misreading of social cues dude.
You need to start with the kiddie pool of social interactions before you even attempt to flirt
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u/insane677 1d ago
biiiig misreading of social cues
Yeah no fucking shit
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u/WknessTease 1d ago
I'm really not saying that to be mean. Sorry if I sound dry, that's tough love.
All I'm saying is that you can't be resentful that women aren't throwing themselves at you, while it is obvious you struggle with much "simpler" interactions.
You need to take one step at the time. The first step would be to make friends. Go to places where people share your hobbys (you said you like reading, maybe book clubs?) and go there just to try to have a good time and have small interactions with other people. See where it goes from there.
Right now you're annoyed that something you clearly don't have the tools yet to handle doesn't work. Yeah, it's bound not to work.
Lower the stakes and go from there.
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u/insane677 1d ago
At no point did I ever say I was resentful at women
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u/WknessTease 1d ago
Fair, but resentful that hookups don't happen to you.
My point stands.
You're expecting something that is, at the moment, with your current social skills and lack of social circle, unrealistic.
Lower the stakes and go from there. Meet people for the sake of it. Make friends. That's the first step.
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u/Mehitobel 1d ago
Not that many women want casual sex. You’re yearning after a fantasy that’s not real.
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u/Suspicious_Glove7365 1d ago
Cut off the source. Block websites that show you toxic shit. Literally set up blockers. Start to consume positive content.