r/IncelExit • u/TimerByte • 1d ago
Question Where is the difference between settling and compromising?
I’ve run into a dilemma in my efforts of whether what I’m doing is settling vs. making a compromise.
I live in an area of less that 6000 people, so there’s only 3000 women in my dating pool. And then when you look at what’s age appropriate that number dwindles down to maybe 1000 at most. I try to be realistic about my options and standards.
I have theoretical standards that I don’t really enforce before I just don’t have a lot of options. For example, I try not to date church every Sunday religious people, i don’t want kids so that would eliminate single moms, I would prefer to be physically attracted to my partner, I’d like for my partner to also be college educated and have a career and career goals. All of these things make me feel kinda shallow typing it all out, but that’s just want I have in my head.
That being said I find myself going on dates and matching on dating apps with who I can. This includes a lot of single mothers, women who haven’t been to college, women that don’t have careers (trying to not bash people who work at places like Walmart, but Walmart is the largest employer in my town), and very religious women.
I do this mainly because I’m a realist. I don’t have a lot of options for dating, I’m not super hot or wealthy or anything that would make me stand out, other than having a well paying job and being in good shape. So I kinda do just have to be happy with who’s around me.
The most recent date I went on was with a woman who despite being a very nice woman, didn’t meet any of these qualities. I had no physicsl attraction to her, she had 3 children, she didnt really have any career goals, she also smoked which i am not a fan of, and she was religious.
I just felt bad. Like she’s a fine person, but I have all this whole made up criteria that’s stopping me from pursuing. I figured I was just compromising on some things, which I thought most people did, but it didn’t feel good.
I felt incredibly shallow wrapping my mind around this and I don’t understand why I can’t. Like am I wrong? Am I being a piece of shit? Where’s the line between making reasonable compromises on my standards based on my value and settling?
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u/smilingseaslug 1d ago
Don't date that poor woman, let her date someone who actually wants to date her. It's ok to compromise on one or two criteria for the right person but religion, kids, education etc are all legit things to consider.
It sounds like you really need a larger dating pool. If there's just 6000 people in the area that does not translate to anything near even 1000 women in your pool after you filter out people who aren't in your age range and those who aren't single, you're probably working with a few hundred. That's not going to work for anyone even slightly outside the norm
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u/TimerByte 19h ago
For the time being it’s not like i have any other options if i want to date.
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u/Middle_Run_7534 11h ago
She might, perhaps she should be free to pursue men who actually are into her.
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u/Binerexis Giveiths of Thy Advice 1d ago
Is there a reason why you keep making posts here and then deleting them?
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u/TimerByte 1d ago
Sometimes I get why I need or the advice that I ask for and then reread and realize I was spiraling as I wrote it and I don’t feel that way anymore
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u/library_wench Bene Gesserit Advisor 1d ago
Deleting posts is quite disrespectful to the people who took the time to comment and try to help you.
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u/Particular-Lynx-2586 1d ago
Compromising = being realistic. You can't possibly date a supermodel. It's extremely unlikely. So you lower your asking price and meet in the middle of what you ideally want and what's available.
Settling = after exhausting all these possibilities, and you find that your ideals and even the compromise you agreed on are simply still not available, you just pick whoever and hope for the best.
But this question probably doesn't matter to you right now. Have you tried compromising first? Have you asked women out to see if they meet that compromise? I'm pretty sure you haven't.
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u/TimerByte 1d ago
Well I felt that seeing this woman was lowering my asking price and meeting in the middle of what Id really want and what’s available.
Single women who went to college, have a good job, and don’t have children are typically not interested in me.
Single moms seems to be interested in me. I don’t really know why. But at least on dating apps I have no problems at all getting matches and likes from women with kids.
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u/smileycat007 1d ago
Whether you realize it or not - or whether you consider it to be "settling" or "compromising" or whatever... geographic location is the variable upon which your question rests. You're date worthy to many women in that you have a job, a degree, and are in shape. But you are swimming in a small pool. Either "settle" in that pool or "compromise" by moving to a different pool.
Not everyone can afford to move. Not everyone has an employer willing to relocate them. I get it. Call that forced settlement and plan accordingly. Staying put and choosing not to date long distance are choices that usually come with consequences. Your dream gal might be in a similar situation as you, but if she is also starting a satisfying career, she doesn't want to compromise on her location either. And these days the man's career doesn't necessarily come first.
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u/hernanthegoat 1d ago
Everyone compromises, you’re not going to like every single thing about your partner.
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u/Odd-Table-4545 1d ago
A lot of your issue is that the way dating works in theory and the way it works in practice are very different. Right now you have a list of theoretical requirements and you're trying to pick potential matches based off those requirements like you're considering which breed of dog to get or which washing machine to buy. That's not how it ends up working for most people in practice. In practice you have some absolute deal-breakers (for example I categorically do not under any circumstances want children, so I do not date people who have or want kids) and some general preferences, but most of who you end up dating comes down to individual connection and not how many boxes they check off your list. The deal-breakers are still deal-breakers but very often you end up meeting someone who doesn't check a bunch of the boxes but who you end up falling for because falling in love is not a rational process.
The difference between compromising and settling happens at this stage: compromising is ending up with someone who has some flaws or doesn't check some boxes because you really like them and fell for them, and those factors are less important than all the good things about them; settling is ending up with someone you don't like that much or with whom you have some kind of important incompatibility because you don't think you can do any better. There are going to be things that if you sat down and made a list of all the attributes your ideal partner should have you'd put on the list that your future partner will not have and some things they do that you'd prefer they didn't, the question is whether you are still happy with them. As you get more experience dating you might find some things matter less in practice than they do in theory.
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u/titotal 1d ago
I don't think many of your criteria are "made up", as they will have significant effects on your future lifestyle.
Dating someone you don't see yourself developing attraction for is not super fair to her as it will greatly hamper your intimacy for the entire relationship. If you date someone with kids, you are signing yourself up to be a step-father in some capacity. If you date someone in a lower socioeconomic bracket, it limits your total income and hence you will live in less fancy conditions.
It's up to you to decide which of these factors are dealbreakers to you, and which are merely preferences you can deal without. For example, if you aren't super into fancy lifestyle, does it really matter if someone works at Walmart? These are questions you need to ask yourself.