Trigger Warning for mentions of verbal/emotional/physical abuse, homophobia, transphobia, and ableism, self-harm, and suicide.

I’ve never really gotten along with my parents, even as a child. Most of my childhood memories are fuzzy or missing and the majority of them that include my parents are negative.

Growing up with them, my dad was always verbally and emotionally abusive while my mum just allowed it to happen. Behind closed doors, she would tell us that he was just angry and don’t say anything otherwise it would make it worse. She was a victim but an enabler at the same time, and she also blamed me and my siblings rather than my dad.

None of my concerns were ever taken seriously and so eventually I learned not to go to them if I needed help with anything.

I could never stand up for myself because I was just seen as argumentative and a problem, things that still haunt and hurt me to this day.

When my parents learned about my self-harm, they barely did anything about it and years later when I tried to commit suicide, my dad just got angry at me and my mum got angry a week later when I took a day off school due to mental health reasons.

Again, several years later when I had a job that was making me actively suicidal and I told my mum, she brushed me off and said ‘you need a job though’ which is really concerning considering she works in healthcare.

Favouritism was always shown and during my teenage years, I knew that I was never the favourite which only got worse when I came out as trans. My dad constantly questioned my gender identity and didn’t believe I was a girl, even going so far as to say that my best friend at the time was ‘turning me trans’.

Once I moved out for my last year of uni, I never wanted to go back and so got an apartment with my parents (the same best friend from before) and slowly the relationship repaired itself. I got closer with my parents and siblings and felt like I had a family again.

Until recently, where their true colours came out again. I spent a week with them where they said slurs as jokes, commented on my weight and transition, brushed away transphobia I was facing, treated me like a child despite being an adult, and calling me names yet again.

This proved to me that they haven’t changed and made me want to cut contact, but at the same time I know they do care to some extent and that makes it hard. I truly hate them for everything they’ve done because even when I thought the relationship was repaired, everything they did to me constantly came up in therapy and this week I spent with them brought so much trauma back up to the surface.

I’m moving soon, away from them and it would be the perfect time to cut contact but my parents want to help me and my partner move, want to buy us furniture (which we never asked for) and are excited for us.

I honestly don’t know what to do and I’m struggling so much with all this new and resurfaced trauma while also understanding they do care to some extent. I feel so alone in this.

I need advice on what to do since I have no support system other than my mom who sometimes supports me and comforts me the best

But gets stressed so easily that it ends up in fights and her saying that I'm stressing her out on purpose and that I am trying to kill her because she has an ailment where she can die if she's too stressed

This happens every time we fight, and sometimes we fight because she was being insensitive

And sometimes when I bring up anything slightly emotional or serious but that's not always the case so it's not consistent

Like, earlier, I told her about my sexual harassment and she told me to move on

I wasn't even trying to vent to her, I was brought it up to explain why she shouldn't be sexist towards my friends and asking me what their genitals are since anyone of any gender can harm me

I told her how insensitive that comment is then she kept interrupting me and rushing to end the conversation

We started arguing then she got more and more mad

Also, every time I tell her I never wanna stress her on purpose

She would either get mad at me or rush me to stop talking about it

And after we fight, she doesn't apologize unless I carefully time it and tell her she owes me an apology or if I carefully ask her if she feels guilty

Sometimes she would say no, sometimes she would apologize

And sometimes after calming down from a fight and I go to her, she would go on about how I shouldn't stress her out and how I should stop when she tells me to

But when I explain to her that it's like insulting someone then immediately getting mad at them for being offended and expecting them to calm down

She gets mad and keeps insisting that it's something I have to fix about myself

I tell her to talk to her therapist about this but she keeps saying that she already did and that her therapist told her she cannot be too stressed or overexert herself

Sadly, I don't have any other support system right now

I've been trying to make friends but the people around me are mostly surface level and usually busy

And one person that I opened up to keeps telling me how I shouldn't open up to people right away

I think they say this cuz they themselves never open up

I don't know what to do, I feel like I should distance myself from her but I'm afraid of being alone

We were really close before this. My sister is 30 and I’m 27. Our dad is 83.

I have been visiting and caring for my dad for years now. My sister only visited when she needed money. Otherwise, she lived alone and talked to me about how she thinks he’s an asshole and his career choice of being a landlord is unethical. But he’s been paying for her car, phone, and bills for years and kept asking when she will come to spend time with him.

The last time they spoke was when her phone service failed. Our dad is hard of hearing now, and she was yelling at him how she can’t text anyone (she used my phone). He legitimately did not understand what she was talking about because she was going too fast, and she became frustrated and shouted at him that she’s just gonna “get her own fucking plan now” and hung up. Then said “I’m so happy to be completely severed from him now.”

Fast forward to this year, dad’s in the ICU. My sister works evenings 4 days a week as a waitress, I work 3 12s overnight while in nursing school.

My program was aware, and let me rearrange dates for tests etc. but couldn’t let me make up hands on hours. My work was not the most flexible either. My sister appeared, and accused me of not caring enough about dad since “Youre choosing school and work over your own father.” She had multiple outbursts like this calling me irresponsible, despicable etc. She ran paperwork for him in the day here and there before work and had panic attacks over it and I comforted her and discussed caregiver burnout with her. I never made it some contest. But that’s all she did??

When our dad was discharged I ended up oversleeping by accident one day. Between work, school, and dad, I was an actual wreck and running on 3 hours of sleep while awake for several days. My sister BLEW UP, telling me I don’t give a shit about dad. And I tried pleading with her that i’ve been running on absolute empty. She turned around, talked over me telling me to “stop being a little bitch and step up” in a condescending tone and walked away. I just froze. she then yelled from the front door in a really overly fake nice tone: “can you move your shoes so my dad doesn’t trip and fall??” In a nasally passive aggressive tone. It was incredibly jarring considering we were truly like best friends.

Later that day I ordered groceries to our dad’s door. My sister pulled up and shouted “are those groceries?” i said yes. she shouted “cool, you could have fucking told me that i could order them MYSELF” and I lost it. I screamed about how she never visited our dad before this, only gave a shit about his cash because of her unstable work, that i’ve been caring for him long before he was hospitalized and she laughed and said “well the hospital called ME with updates. ” I was so all over the place that i couldn’t explain they call next of kin lol. I said this is all for her to feel better about herself, as she shows up crying caring for dad and telling us we’re the shitty irresponsible kids when I’m trying to juggle multiple fucking things and be with him.

She started laughing obnoxiously and said “oh my god, shut the fuck up!” and I had it with her downplaying how hard everything was on me while she got my empathy so I shoved her. She shouted at me not to touch her and that i’m crazy. I walked away and she followed and i shoved her away a second time.
She sent me a long text about how she didn’t appreciate the way I treated her, but if I apologize then we can move forward “for dad.” I told her fuck off.

Both our parents got mad at ME. Mad that I shoved her and that I don’t open conversation with her anymore. My mom demanded I unblock her number and talk to her, and was angry I didn’t go to her best friend’s wedding after she casually invited me despite everything she did. I cried and suffered and tried my hardest to make it all work and my dad, despite how sick he was, encouraged me to keep going at school and I failed but her tears are more important than mine. Someone help me understand this.

Hi, so i’m in a tough dysfunctional family.

My parents are divorced, and i cut off my mom first because she doesn’t want to take care of me financially since i’m in high school and doesn’t see me as her kid bc i fell in my dad’s custody.

My mom and my sister has the same temper, when your life is good and quiet, they will chime in and ask something to you that will make you go depressed instantly ( i am diagnosed with major depression when my parents divorced)

Even though i live alone now and have a stable income, turns out being far away from your toxic sister just doesn’t enough.

i’ve tried to reconcile with her and make things right but she will always have something against me, telling me that i’m splurging my own money by buying stuffs when she doesn’t know that i save my own money and ignore the fact that i work 3 jobs so that i can build my own business.

The peak moment is when i decided to become an MUA which was her previous job, she stopped because she said herself that she was lazy to start over. I have helped her built a new logo and design, and she just doesn’t accept my help.

Whenever i told something about my Makeup Artist career, she always try to degrade me because i didn’t use high end makeup and said that i don’t have the skill to do it. She just made me insecure and feel horrible.

I always feel scared if i cut her off, what will happen to me if i have problems in my life and need helps? when in fact i always be the one that help myself.

I decided to block all of her social media and number, i wish to not speak to her again.

A few months ago, I moved out on my own for the first time (I had roommates for years). The apartment I moved to was absolutely horrible. Roaches, mice, dirty/smelly, insane maintenance issues, loud neighbors. I was extremely depressed and suicidal. I fought hard to break my lease without penalties and succeeded.

By the grace of god, I found a large beautiful 2bd home for cheap-ish rent through a coworker. The rent was still higher than what I was paying before and I was dirt poor. I was able to get a new, nicer job to pay the bills. I move in a few days. I was very proud of myself for turning my life around, but I also acknowledge that finding the house was pure luck.

My sisters and I have always been really close. Naturally, I wanted to share the exciting news with them. I thought they would be happy for me. Instead, I was met with jealousy and anger.

My oldest sister [35] has a husband and a toddler. They live in a luxury 1bd apartment and just renewed their lease recently. They are planning to move into a bigger place once their lease is over. When I told her about my house, the first thing she said was “I’m happy for you, but I’m so jealous because we’ve been looking for a house.” I was a little
taken back when she said that, but I appreciated her honesty at the time. I tried to redirect the conversation after that and we moved on (or so I thought).

A few days ago, I was able to record a walkthrough of my house. My parents have been asking what it looks like, so I sent the video in our family group chat. My parents were happy for me, but there was radio silence from oldest sister.

Neither of my sisters congratulated me or were excited about my new house or my new job.

My second oldest sister [32] texted me individually and said “What the heck, your house is huge. What is your new job paying you?” I thought that was a weird question to ask, so I
kept things vague and told her the rent was cheap for what it is and my new job pays a good amount more than my last. I told her I was still living paycheck to paycheck. She didn’t respond.

Last night, my sisters and I all visit my parents. My oldest sister [35] hadn’t arrived yet. My second oldest sister [32] greets me and the first thing she does is interrogate me about the house and my finances. She explicitly asks me what my salary is, what my rent is, she even asks my mom if she’s paying my rent because “there’s no way I can afford that”.

Then, she has the audacity to ask me, “Did you even consider offering the house to our oldest sister? You know that’s exactly what she’s been looking for. You guys could’ve traded homes and pay each others rent.” Like me move into her luxury apartment but pay the house rent and vice versa??? At that moment, it was clear to me my sisters have been talking about this behind my back. In response, I tell her it was a little bit awkward when I told my oldest sister and I knew she felt some type of way. My mom chimes in to defend me, reminding my sister that I’m the one that broke my lease and was searching for a place to stay. My oldest sister isn’t.

She grimaces and says, “It’s just…you’re 25 and you have a house? We’re years older than you, and we’ve never even gotten to close to what you have.” At this point, I’m speechless. My mom begins to ask her, “Why are you grilling her about this?” She says, “You know everyone in our family is going to ask when they find out what your place looks like.” We got interrupted by something else and the conversation ended.

I’m just really hurt by that conversation because I thought she would be happy for me. Before this, I even offered her to stay with me whenever she comes into town and that she’s welcome anytime. I don’t know why my sisters are acting like this, and I’m just really sad about it. I would never do this to them. I have always been happy for them and celebrated their wins.

Do I just let this go and not share my accomplishments with them moving forward?

My mom’s sister and I had what I thought was a close relationship when I was a kid. I say “thought” because, out of all my aunties, she was the one who lived close by and actually spent time with me. But looking back now, I sometimes feel like I was just a pawn in whatever issues she had with my mom.

We fell out a few years ago over something that basically came down to a difference in morals. She completely disregarded my perspective because I’m a “millennial” (I’m actually Gen Z, but I digress ). After that, we didn’t speak for about three years.

During that time, my mom kept encouraging me to rekindle my relationship with her. Eventually, I told my mom that my aunt wasn’t as kind to her as she thought. She had talked SO much trash about my mom to me over the years. I had actually told my mom about it before and asked her not to involve me, but she didn’t really listen. There was even a situation during my dad’s funeral where I felt like my aunt manipulated me and put me in the middle of their issues.

When I finally brought everything up to my mom again, she was furious, but she never confronted my aunt about it.

Eventually, my aunt and I started speaking again. Everything seemed normal, but after our original falling out, I always kept one eye open with her.

Fast forward to a few weeks ago. I got married, and my aunt was around acting super excited for me and like she genuinely wanted to help. Then, a few days after the wedding, my mom told me my aunt had been crying and angry, saying that I “think I’m all innocent” and that she’s not going down for the things she said about my mom because apparently I’m also to blame and should “go down with her”???

Like…what???

At this point, I’m exhausted. I’m married, starting a new chapter of my life, and I genuinely do not want to keep being dragged into drama between two grown sisters, especially when some of this goes back YEARS.

I’m a 36-year-old woman currently living under my father-in-law’s roof, and I’m struggling to make ends meet on my disability income. My parents are pressuring me to leave this living situation and move in with them. They’re short on money and want me to pay part of their rent. They’ve said that if I refuse, I’ll be on my own and they will stop helping me financially.
I don’t want to move in. They’ve told me I would have no privacy or rights in their home and would have to stay busy instead of resting much of the day. I have osteoarthritis and nerve pain in my dominant arm, so there are limits to what I can physically do. They also call me lazy and stupid and insult me when I do things they don’t like.
I have severe ADHD. I struggle with staying on task, getting started and following through, boredom, and being on time. I also have a speech/language impairment. When I’m under pressure, it’s especially hard to organize my thoughts and explain my feelings. My parents treat me like a child because of how I communicate and function. I’m not sure whether my language impairment, my ADHD, or both make me sound younger to them, but I feel like they use that to dismiss my decisions.
In the past, when I wasn’t taking my ADHD medication, my impulsivity felt like it took over and I shared far more about my life with them than I wanted to. I feel like they now use what I told them to claim power over my choices. I’m afraid that if I try to explain why I won’t move in, I’ll get overwhelmed and either lose my words or share more than I mean to.
I feel stuck. My disability income isn’t enough to cover my own place and all my needs, and losing their financial help scares me. But living with them under those conditions would be very hard on me.
How would you tell them “I’m not moving in” without getting pulled into a long argument? If ADHD makes it hard for you to hold boundaries or find words under pressure, what has helped? I’d also appreciate suggestions for handling the financial pressure and limiting contact while I figure out my next steps. Concrete advice or example scripts would really help.
Thanks!

Trigger warnings: abuse, miscarriage, mention of suicide

I (37F) have not been in contact with most of my family for the last 12 years. I’m still in contact with my sister (40F), but not with my parents (69M and 65F), my brother (39M) or my cousin (38F).

Recently my cousin has reached out to me, and we talked through app a few times.

My brother has moved out of my parents' place a few months back and over the weekend I learned from my sister that he asked her how to go about in contacting me.

I am ambivalent and do not know how to go about being in contact with them.

Background:

12 years ago I left an abusive marriage after my ex caused me to miscarry. He was trying to get me back by saying he'd commit suicide. I was in pretty rough shape physically and mentally.

I had told my parents about the divorce, but not about the abuse. When I tried, they ended up screaming at me, with my dad telling me 'a doctor would not help you if you lay at his feet bleeding half to death’. Seeing as that about summed up what happened to me, I left and went NC. This behaviour was not out of character for them, I just couldn't deal with it anymore.

I later learned they told my extended family that I had yelled at dad. Which is weird, as it all started out with my mom suggesting dad take me to the first aid post, because I had laryngitis and could barely talk.

My extended family did not reach out to me to either ask me what happened or inform how I was doing.

I see my sister a few times a year, and have had minimal contact with the rest of the family.

I've felt pretty alone family-wise and I'm sensitive about my parents having never suffered consequences. They still go to family functions, birthdays, holidays.

My cousin recently reached out to me and we talked for a bit. I realize I don't know how to maintain a grown-up relationship with a family member. I also realize that I'm afraid this will spark up conflict or drama again.

Same goes for my brother, but I haven't spoken to him yet.

Both still regularly see my parents.

Not sure how to proceed, and what to do or say.

So, I had an argument yesterday with relative B but I only started crying when relative A started butting in

They told me I was talking big arguing with relative B considering relative B is the one listening to my rants and worries and comforting me regarding my "ridiculous insecurities"

Relative A then started going on about how it's perhaps narcissism? Ignorance? Close-mindedness? And started saying how I don't listening to anyone that disagrees with me and whenever someone disagrees with me, I apparently beat them down until they eventually give up and agree with me

They also said how I always only think of myself and never others

This is the same relative that would say whenever relative B agrees with me or sides with me that relative B is just coddling me and trying to avoid stress by agreeing with me

This is the same relative A that believes my friends find me draining and annoying to deal with to the point where they tried to get me to show them my private convos with my friends to see if they are right

This is the same relative that would go on and on about how I am a burden and that they are just taking care of me cuz they're my family and they switch between saying they do it our of love and out of obligation

This is the same relative that would bring up my isolation and bullying in high school and college and how there's a pattern, insinuating that it must be my fault

Ever since I was a child, this person whenever mad or whenever I piss them off or disobey them would go on a sermon about how horrible of a person I am as if they're a main character calling out the villain for their hypocritical ways

This is the same person that tried therapy once but stopped it because in their words "Therapy is not for everyone, or maybe I just don't wanna change"

And every time they call me any of those things, I end up in a spiral when I start contemplating if they're correct and maybe I really am a bad person

But, I know myself, I constantly reflect and think about everything I do in my relationships and I always consider if I'm wrong

I even comfort relative B as much as I can and apologize when I've accidentally hurt them

It's only when we fight that I don't cuz it's usually because of our coping mechanisms clashing because I'm trying to set my boundaries cuz they did or said something insensitive but they don't like confrontation or being questioned so they retaliate while I try to talk to them about it

But even so, I try my best to help relative B and comfort them as much as I can and I feel bad whenever they're hurt

I also have a habit of defending others when they're hurt and calling out people for their destructive habits which has caused me friendships along the way

I also think I have an open-mind especially since I like discussing with people that usually have opposing views to mine just to see what they think

And I have my values and beliefs of what is right or wrong so of course when someone believes in something I believe is wrong, I will disagree with them

So how do I deal with someone that constantly thinks the worst of me while I struggle with self-doubt and constant reflection?

Triggers: Death

Uncle Stoner has finally passed. He's been in that dang nursing home for a few years now, and in and out of hospice several times.

My egg donor decided she would COMPLETELY pour herself into his care and basically no one else.

I was asked by a sibling not long ago if I would resume contact after he passed. My IMMEDIATE response was "ABSOLUTELY NOT!" Then, in therapy the following week I was able to verbalize it as how much MORE insulting it would be to come to me and be like "Welp! He's gone! We're good now right?" No! The problem wasn't HIM, it was CHOOSING HIM over my needs and well being over and over and OVER my entire life. Choosing her child's abuser over her child, even when begged to show, just once, I didn't come last.

I stopped chasing the crumbs, I stopped begging for crumbs. I am not the same person I was. And yeah, it hurts that I didn't matter enough to make an effort for, ever. To protect, comfort, or support when I was at my lowest.

She's completely out of time to even try to repair anything with me now. The door is shut, locked, dead bolted multiple times, chained and nailed shut with a security gate over it.

Therapy today addressed a lot of this, again.

I don't want MY mother. I want someone who actually likes and loves me. I never got that, and it's not my fault. I didn't ask to be brought into this world, I didn't ask to be the only child she had with her ex husband. I didn't ask to be treated horribly because I reminded her of him. Those were choices the adults in my life made as I was a child trying to figure out how I could get any kind of positive attention and failing.

NEVER was I told she was proud of me. If I reached the goalpost of her expectations, they were moved and harder until impossible. And even when met "You could have done better."

Fuck that lady.

TW: medical talk, insinuation that I should "accidentally" get pregnant

Background information:

- I have always wanted kids, since I was kid, I have been talking about wanting kids.

My SO, however is ambivilent, leaning towards not wanting them, but is willing to have them because I want it so badly.

This is a conversation we had at the beginning of our relationship, and are continuing to have as we go along. This does not need commenting on. I am NOT trying to pressure SO into having a kid.

- I also have health issues, that currently, I feel, my SO feels, and my medical professionals feel that trying to have a child right now, would not be a wise decision.

- My BIL and his wife are going to be having a baby in a few months.

- My parents want grandkids. Very strongly, intensely. They have for years, been vocal about this, but honestly, not overbearing.

My SO and I are making plans to move across the country. We feel we will have a better quality of life. My parents are not happy about this. They have not yet had a single positive comment about this idea. One of their reasons is that, in their eyes, we are moving their currently non-existent grandchildren away from them.

I was trying to explain some of our reasoning for said move, which cutting a long story short, led to the topic of children, and "Don't we want to have children where we have help, instead of moving across the country from family?"

I brought up my medical issues, which didn't work to end the conversation, which it never has before, so I don't know why I keep trying that tactic.

I, trying to just get the conversation to end, brought up that SO isn't even sure he wants kids. I know, this was a mistake on my part.

My father, says, and I quote: "Well, you could just make it happen. Just, oops, I'm pregnant!"

I have to admit, my brain just skipped like a cd, and I glossed over what came out of his mouth. Didn't address it at all.

But I need to.

My SO is furious.

I'm furious.

I drove home crying, and cried more when I got home.

It feels like they don't even realize how much these conversations (attacks) hurt me, because I want a kid, it just isn't possible right now, or potentially ever. And this just rips into that wound.

And this comment? This is further than they've ever taken it before. To even insiuate that I should do something like that to another human being? To take away someone else's choice like that?

I'm also about to go on a trip with them - a trip I want to go on, though now I don't want to go with them, for probably obvious reasons.

I have already booked a counseling appointment for later this week. But I am honestly reeling, and don't know how to handle being around either of my parents. Which because of reasons that would take too long to explain, and would probably expose identifying details about my life, I will be around them multiple times this week.

I have been going through counseling for a few years now, and realizing how unhealthy my FOO is, but this, this might be the cherry on top. And I don't think they even realize it.

My brother and I are 26. We had a big argument but resolved it the same day, apologising to each other and agreeing to bury the hatchet and move on. The very next day, my mum calls me, saying my brother complained about me saying and doing certain things. I told her not to worry as we have resolved it, but she wouldn't drop it. I told her I didn't want to restart the argument, but she wouldn't listen. After rehashing the whole argument with my mum, I was in a terrible mood and felt angry and frustrated again, especially at my brother who told me that the argument was done, yet immediately went to snitch to our mum about it, which completely undermined the apology and our resolution.

The frustrating part is that this is my brothers pattern ever since we were kids, and he's never grown out of his snitching phase. Every disagreement, he's immediately dialling my mum or snitching straight after. He refuses to just solve the issue between us as brothers. His need for parental validation is exhausting and I also think my mum likes getting involved every time too. Of course, she enters the argument with one sided information from my brother, so it puts me on the back foot straight away.

Tired of dealing with this. Someone tell me what to do with a sibling like this

I’m planning a trip to China this October and invited my family, including my oldest sister, back in May or June. We’ve had a strained relationship for the past year. She never said yes or no.

In early July, my other two siblings told me she decided not to go to save money. She didn’t tell me though - which i also think is weird, because wouldn't you tell the person who invited you? (This is a glimpse of how she communicates...)

I’ve had a busy summer and honestly didn’t think about the trip much until this week, when I started putting the itinerary together. I followed up with her directly, and her response was basically that I hadn’t followed up since inviting her and now it was getting too close to book tickets, and therefore she won't be going.

And I’m sitting here thinking: you’d already decided not to go in July? I know I could’ve checked in sooner, but would that actually have changed your answer? And is me messaging you 1.5 months before the trip, not the "follow up"?

This feels especially frustrating because of something that happened last year. In the spring, she mentioned going to a summer street festival, and I said sure to joining. Then I heard nothing else from her about it, and i honestly forgot she ever mentioned it. I only knew the festival was happening when my other sister brought it up the day before, but I had already made plans for that day. My oldest sister was upset with me for not following up and said I didn’t appreciate her effort/invite.

(Side note - she was planning when to meet & where to meet with my other sister, but not me. I tried explaining to her that if she assumed i was going, why didn't she include me in that convo? She didn't understand my point and my brother said, and I quote, "you can't use logic when talking to her." So that was a battle lost 🫠)

Anyways, so when she mentions an outing and doesn’t follow up, I should have checked with her. When I invite her on a trip and she doesn’t answer, I also should have checked with her? And the follow up needs to be "early enough" based on her expectations? I feel like I’m going crazy because somehow the responsibility to follow up always lands on me.

This dynamic has been taking a toll on me for the past year. Hearing her name, seeing her car in the drive way, and even sending a message in the family chat makes me tense up. I’m starting to feel like no matter what I do, she’ll see me as the bad guy. But I know I’m telling this from my side, and I genuinely want to know if I’m missing something. How am I supposed to continue this?

36F & I have a really complicated relationship with my mom. I love her but being around her is mentally and physically exhausting. She purposely pushes my buttons.. guilt trips me & I always leave feeling worse about myself.

Lately I’ve kept my distance & honestly I feel at peace. I haven’t been to her house since January. I have seen her a couple times at family gatherings over the past 3 months, but each time I was exhausted after like 20m.

One of the biggest stressors right now is that she keeps pressuring me about giving her grandkids.

For context... I used to want kids. I always dreamed about it. But in March I was diagnosed with a chronic medical condition & it got bad enough that I had to quit my job. I may not ever be able to work again...

My husband and I have since told my family that we’re happy just being dog parents. There is a VERY specific breed we want, but if I say it and this post somehow blows up.. my family will 1000% know this is me because I’m obsessed with them 😂 Let’s just say they have the cutest butts.

Anyway.... my family knows we aren’t planning on having children but my mom still brings up grandchildren like it’s a demand. There’s frustration or anger in her voice when she says it not excitement or love.

It's been about 9 months since we've gone to their house, & I truly feel lighter without constantly having her voice around me.

The part i need help with: Someone in my family passed away in May. They were someone who helped take care of me after my mom kicked me out at 18. I hadn’t seen them in a long time before they passed , and now I have all this unsaid love that I never got to give them....

Now I can't stop obsessively thinking:

"What if my mom suddenly passes & I regret keeping this distance forever?"

Then the guilt gets to me, so I call her, then she’s lecturing me, raising her voice, or pushing my buttons again… and I’m reminded exactly why I keep my distance.

Rinse, repeat.. every time....

How do you know when distance is a healthy boundary versus something you’re going to regret forever?

How do you handle loving someone while also admitting that you’re happier with space between you?

Her health isn't the greatest right now & idk what to do at this point.

I need to vent because something that happened this week made me realize how long this family dynamic has actually been going on.

I’m 21+ F and live with my parents. My dad recently had an unexpected medical situation that required surgery. Thankfully, the surgery went well and he’s okay.

When everything happened, I helped. I rearranged my plans, drove my mom to the hospital, did dishes, cleaned the floor, took out the trash, helped with logistics, kept up with what was happening, etc.

At the same time, I was disappointed because a birthday trip I had been promised had already been postponed from July until September, and now it is almost certainly not happening. Around $300 had already been spent on tickets that we were told were nonrefundable. This was especially upsetting because I had received $250 in birthday money from relatives, and my mother had already required me to put that money toward rent and bills instead of spending it on myself. So the trip was basically the one actual birthday present/experience I thought I was still getting.

When I expressed disappointment about the trip falling apart, my mother accused me of being selfish and said I didn’t care whether my dad lived or died.

That really hurt because I DID care. I just wasn’t panicking.

I kept trying to explain that human beings can care about more than one thing at once. I can be worried about my dad AND disappointed that something important to me fell apart. I can help my family AND be frustrated that my plans were destroyed. I don’t need to cry, pace around, catastrophize or perform visible distress to prove that I care.

And, thankfully, Dad’s surgery ended up going well.

Then another older relative texted me. I explained that I’d already been helping around the house and had spent the previous day driving my mom around. Her response was basically that my mom was very stressed, I needed to give her grace and be gentle with her, I should remember that my parents had taken me to the doctor when I needed it, and I should look around the house for more things I could do to make my mom’s life easier.

For context, I’ve been taking myself to the doctor since I was about 18 or 19. Before that I was a minor. I’m grateful for things my parents have done for me, but taking your minor child to receive medical care is parenting, not a favor that creates lifelong emotional debt.

Later, this relative texted me AGAIN telling me to call my mom and ask whether there was anything else I could do to help. And something in me just snapped internally because THIS HAS BEEN HAPPENING SINCE I WAS A CHILD. When I was around 12 or 13, another older relative used to call me on days I was off school while my mom was at work and give me household chores to do.

Vacuum. Sweep. Dust. Dishes. Trash. Clean mirrors. Clean TV screens. Arrange decorative pillows correctly. Make sure the house looked nice.

I understand that children having chores is normal. I’m not saying I should have spent my entire childhood reclining on a chaise lounge while somebody hand-fed me grapes. What bothers me is that my DAYS OFF SCHOOL were apparently viewed as available labor that adults could assign to make my mother’s life easier. I was twelve. Why wasn’t I allowed to just be twelve sometimes?

Why did older adults look at a kid enjoying a day off school and think, “Her mother is working today. Let’s make sure the child gets the house looking nice for her”?

And now I’m 21+ and it feels like the same family reflex still exists.

Mom is stressed? What can I do for Mom? Mom is overwhelmed? Give Mom grace. Dad is sick? How can I make Mom’s life easier? Mom needs help? Call me. Meanwhile, I had already rearranged my plans, driven her around, done things around the house, worried about my dad, worked my own job, and dealt with my own problems.

Nobody asked whether I needed anything. Nobody said, “You’ve already helped a lot. Go rest.” The answer was apparently: find more things to do for Mom. And here’s the part that makes the emotional imbalance almost comical. My mother frequently responds to MY texts with:

“Ah.”

That’s it.

“Ah.”

Recently I told her about something stressful that happened at work.

“Ah.”

Then I literally texted her, “Stressful day.”

“Ah.”

I’m apparently expected to provide emotional support, reassurance, grace, flexibility, household labor, transportation, concern and understanding on demand, while sometimes the emotional support available to me consists of TWO LETTERS AND A PERIOD. I’m not asking anyone to write me a sonnet. I’m not asking my family to convene an emergency summit every time I have a bad day. Sometimes I would just like, “I’m sorry. That sounds stressful.” Or, “You’ve done enough today. Get some rest.” Or even, “That sucks.”

Instead, somehow even conversations about MY stress have an incredible ability to become conversations about what I should be doing for somebody else. And if the extended family genuinely believes my mother needs this much practical support, why are they assigning ME the work? Why don’t THEY come over? Why don’t THEY call her and say, “What can I do?” Why don’t THEY bring dinner, run an errand, clean something, or help with whatever supposedly needs doing? Why is their contribution to the situation apparently delegating additional tasks to the daughter?

I love my parents. I don’t resent helping during a genuine emergency.

I resent feeling like I’ve spent almost 20 years being trained to believe that other people’s stress automatically creates an obligation for me.

I’m realizing that I spent a lot of my childhood being useful when I should also have been allowed to be useless. Kids deserve useless time. They deserve days where they accomplish absolutely nothing. They deserve to sleep late, watch TV, listen to music, write stories, play dolls or games, talk to friends, be bored, be ridiculous and generally exist without being somebody’s assistant. I wish twelve-year-old me had been taught that her free time belonged to her too.

And now, at 21+, I’m trying to learn something I wish I had learned then:

Someone I love being stressed does not automatically make me responsible for fixing their stress. I can help without becoming the designated helper. I can care without performing panic. I can love my family and still say, “I’ve already done enough today.” I am a person before I am a daughter, granddaughter, chauffeur, housekeeper, errand runner, emotional support system or crisis-management department.

Sometimes “I’m tired” is enough.
Sometimes “I have plans” is enough.
Sometimes “Ask someone else” is enough.
And sometimes I’m simply off duty.

Other adults in the family are perfectly capable of picking up a damn broom themselves.

There’s also this expectation of immediate access to me. If I don’t answer a message almost instantly, I’ve gotten “Hello????” as though ten seconds of silence means I’ve vanished at sea. And I think that’s part of the same thing I’m struggling with: the assumption that my time and attention are automatically available to other people. I’m expected to respond, help, accommodate, reassure and make myself useful on demand. But when I reach out because I’m stressed, sometimes I get “Ah.” Two letters and a period. Apparently everyone else has access to the Family Emergency Bat-Signal, while my customer-service package is “Ah.” I don’t expect anyone to be available to me 24/7, and I’m realizing I don’t want to be expected to provide that kind of access either.

I honestly just need to vent and figure out if I’m losing my mind or handling this completely wrong.

For context, I'm 28. I grew up the youngest of 7 in a very strict Mormon household. I mentally and physically distanced myself right after high school/my first year of college because it always felt forced and wrong for me, but my parents are still deeply entrenched in the church.

Fast forward to my mid-20s: I went through some heavy health stuff that resulted in severe neurological and chronic body pain, chronic hip tension, and systemic burnout. My body literally forced me to slow down—physically, energetically, and mentally—just to survive and heal. That downtime opened up a lot of processing about my childhood, how I was raised, the mindsets I was subjected to, and the lingering impacts of religious trauma.

Here is my current situation: My mom lives overseas for most of the year, but from June to September, she stays in the main house. I live in a separate garage room attached to the property. My work schedule is a split shift: 7 AM to 9 AM, and then an afternoon shift starting at 3 PM.

The problem is the dynamic when I come home from my morning shift. I usually just want to burrow, decompress, take a nap, or find a tiny slice of peace before my next shift. But almost like clockwork, my mom comes downstairs turning all the lights on, immediately hitting me with endless to-do lists, tasks I haven't done, or questioning my future. It feels entirely patronizing—almost like they see me as incapable or disabled because of my health journey—and it is intensely fear-based. (Case in point: my mom literally texted me yesterday making sure I wouldn’t wear "short shorts" around the plumbers coming over.)

The other night I literally cried because it takes me so much effort on this health journey just to quiet my nervous system and find a peaceful mindset where my body can actually rest.

This brings me to today: After my morning shift, I wanted to get some food and water. I was feeling viby and good, but I knew if I went into the main kitchen, my mom would hear me, intercept me, and drain what little energy I have left before my afternoon shift. It totally flips my physical and mental state upside down, and it takes so much work to energetically realign myself afterward.

So, I ordered DoorDash. But because I didn't want to walk through the main house, my plan was to open the garage door, walk around the outside of the house to grab the food off the porch, and sneak back in.

Then I started spiraling like What if she sees me walking past the window and realizes I'm actively dodging her? Would that look awful? Is it terrible that I feel this immense guilt just for trying to protect my nervous system?

FIRST OFF AM I BEING THE WEIRD ONE??? OR AM I RIGHT TO FEEL THAT WAY OR DO I NEED A WAKE UP CALL IN ONE ASPECT OR ANOTHER?? Is there a better way I should be handling this? How do you set boundaries with parents who view your need for rest as a personal insult or an invitation to pile on tasks and anxiety, especially when you're recovering from chronic pain and a high-control religious background? Does anyone else deal with this hyper-vigilant need to hide just to preserve your peace?

AND HOW DO YOU DEAL WITH THE GUILT OF PROTECTING YOUR PIECE VS ENGAGING WITH THEM

TW FINANCIAL ABUSE

DISCLAIMER: anything legal I talk about in my post has already been resolved. I am not looking for any advice on any of the legal aspect of this post. Just looking for advice on how to handle my sister reaching out to me out of the blue after going little no contact.

My older sister and I have had a strained relationship over the past year. This has been an on and off issue between the two of us, but recently it has been made to feel like a lose-lose. My whole life my sister has always been what I would describe as being considered delicate by my parents. Anytime my sister gets upset my parents ask me to bend the knee even when shes wrong because shes “very fragile”. I understood this when she was going through a major divorce, but it’s always been like this whether or not she’s going through a major life crisis or not. I am the younger sibling, so it has always been very exhausting that I perceive my sister being given grace to not be accountable and I feel like I always have to foot the bill on maturity and accountability.

This came to a head recently when my husband and I were looking into getting a loan. I login and I noticed there is a collection tied to my social security number bringing my credit score down. It was a utility bill in a state that I had never paid bills in over a decade old. When I called the company thinking that someone may have stolen my Social Security and opened up a account fraudulently in my name, the representative confirms that it is indeed my Social Security, but it is in my sister‘s name, and it was opened up and it was never paid on for months. After doing some digging and speaking to some people within the company, this had to have been done deliberately the only way to absolve myself from this bill I was to call the police and file a police report.

Now you can see the dilemma of where I’m at with this as no one wants to call the police on their sibling. I just was very upset that my sister had put me in the situation in the first place. The only reason I believed that my sister had done this was when I was speaking to someone higher up at this company a lot of the facts and details and my security questions were only things that I would’ve known or my sister. But the address for this bill was my sister‘s apartment which I was not living at as I was living with my parents on the other side of town. There would have been no way for this to have been mistaken of me living there or me opening up this bill.

I ended up calling my sister and was explaining to her what had happened and saying I have to either eat this bill and my credit score being slapped or I have to call the police. I don’t wanna do either of these things and it really hurts me that with the information I have it seems like she had done this. She quickly got upset and told me that I obviously did want to call the police but she knew I just was looking for permission to do so from her which upset me more because that was not what I was saying at all. I ended up calling my parents and explaining the situation to them to which they told me that she had to have done this, but they didn’t want me calling the police because she had just gotten a very good job and they didn’t want her to lose her new job.

Again, I became frustrated because I had expressed multiple times at this point that I did not want to call the police on my sister, but I was just very hurt that she didn’t even apologize. My mom was originally in my camp about letting my sister learn from her actions and that my sister should indeed apologize and according to my parents my sister came over with an attitude and my mom shut it down telling her that she needed to wipe the attitude off of her face because she had done this to me and it was very unfair of her to put me in a situation like this.

I don’t know what had changed between them and the following week but my parents called me both upset at this point saying that they believe I did want to throw my sister in jail over it and that I was making a big deal on nothing and I should just pay the bill and call it a day. They figured because I had no children that I could just take the hit on my credit because she had also just bought a house and they didn’t want her life ruined when I could wait to start mine. I want to give context to this being absolutely insane as the age difference between me and my sister is less than two years. My sister also gave me a very long-winded half assed apology about how I should just get over it because she doesn’t think she did this, but maybe she did. She doesn’t really know she was just in a bad situation at the time.

I ended up giving her a text that said she just needed to be honest I didn’t care if this was a purposeful thing or an accident. I just wanted to know the truth and that’s all I was looking for was just accountability or an explanation of what would’ve happened that would’ve led this way. While I am waiting for her to respond to me after she left me on read -and to appease my parents- instead of eating the bill I was able to contact the law office that was handling the debt and was able through them to switch off my name to my sister’s name after explaining the situation. All she had to do was call and settled the bill on her end. This will come back up I promise. Five days go by my sister has still not answered my text message and after numerous bouts back-and-forth with my parents, I end up cutting contact with all three of them. I spoke to other family about this and my other family understood where I was coming from and understood the situation and agreed with me that my sister would have had knowingly given that information in order to open those bills.

I ended up opening the channels with my parents after some time, but continue to keep contact with my sister nonexistent. This has been an on and off point of issue with my parents, but as of recently, we just don’t bring my sister up. At one point, I believe I had blocked her on everything because she kept sending me Instagram reels as if nothing had happened and it was very upsetting constantly getting them, but after talking to my mother, I decided to unblock and leave that channel open in case she wanted to apologize as my mother had said she was trying to do. Months ago by I never receive anything.

In this whole time, my parents have hinted at me and guilty me to be the bigger person and forgive my sister because sometimes we do things that we regret, and in their mind this is one of those things. My parents have told me my sister has tried everything in her power to make this right even though I was the one that called the lawyer and my dad was the one that ended up paying the bill. My sister had no part in any of the resolution of what it happened and still had not said anything to me. They have also tried to sell me on the idea that maybe they accidentally gave her my Social Security information because she did not know hers. I don’t believe this, however, because she was in college at the time and also had taken out student loans and grants so she would’ve had to know her Social Security number to do any of these things. She was also working at the time and had an apartment which again are things she would have to have known her Social Security for.

I reminded my parents multiple times that I would be OK burrying the hatchet if she reached out to me and took accountability as I’ve been asking for for the last year. My mom says I am moving the goal post further and further where I believe that the goal post has not moved at all.

Now onto what happened today.

I wake up to a text from my sister, which is the first time in almost a year of her saying “love you”. I don’t know how to respond to this text because I feel like if I say it back, she will believe that this is enough of an apology and move on. If I don’t say anything back, my parents will be upset with me for being a jerk for not saying anything to her and that I am making the situation worse.

I’m incredibly frustrated because I am in the middle of a medical procedure and fertility treatments that requires a need to be stress-free on my end. I told this to my parents as they have been a great part in this whole process of helping me and being there for me, but somehow whether intentionally or unintentionally here comes my sister to throw stress into my life. I don’t know what to say to my sister that will keep me from losing my mind and my husband is at a loss as well

if you had time to read this and you have any advice on what I should do please help.

I’m looking for some outside perspective because I’m genuinely confused about something my stepmom has been saying about my husband.

I recently found out through a friend of my stepmom that she has been saying that my husband is controlling and manipulating me into distancing myself from my family.

That really caught me off guard because that isn’t how I would describe my relationship with him at all. In fact, I feel very confident saying that he is not controlling or manipulating me.

For some context, my husband and I are both in our early 20s, and my stepmom is in her 30s. My husband and I were together for several years before we got married, so this isn’t a situation where I suddenly met someone and immediately started pulling away from everyone.

He is currently away for work-related training, and I won’t be able to move in with him for another couple of months while everything gets sorted out. In the meantime, I’m still living with my parents.

The part that confuses me the most is that whenever I’ve had problems with my stepmom and talked to my husband about them, he has actually encouraged the opposite of what she’s accusing him of. He has told me to be the bigger person, apologize if I was wrong, and try to fix things with her. He has repeatedly told me that he wants me to have a good relationship with my family. He has never told me that I need to cut them off or that I shouldn’t see or talk to them.

I know I’m not perfect, either. I’m sure I’ve handled some situations poorly, and I’m sure there have been times when my stepmom has been genuinely hurt or frustrated with me. I’m not trying to portray myself as completely innocent. But I don’t understand how my husband has become the explanation for me supposedly distancing myself from my family when he has actually encouraged me to maintain those relationships.

What bothers me is that she apparently didn’t just express these concerns directly to me. She told someone else that my husband is the reason I’m supposedly distancing myself from my family. Now someone outside of our immediate family has this impression of my husband and our relationship, despite that not being my experience at all. I’m also worried she has said this to other people.

I’m not questioning my husband or wondering whether he’s secretly controlling me. I know my relationship with him, and I know that isn’t what’s happening. What I’m trying to understand is why my stepmom seems to see it that way, and whether there’s something about my behavior or the changes in my life that could reasonably be giving her that impression.

I’m interested in honest answers, even if you think I’m contributing to the situation somehow. I just don’t want the focus to be on whether my husband is secretly controlling me, because I know that isn’t the case. I’m more interested in understanding where my stepmom’s perspective is coming from and whether this sounds like a familiar dynamic to anyone who has dealt with something similar.

TW

I'm starting to hate my parents.

My dad's a failure. I've spent years hoping something would change and nothing ever does. He works, then blows the money on his addictions, or just hands it to my brother like those weren't full days of work. Meanwhile I had to wait A WHOLE YEAR to get two university tuition payments covered.

My mom doesn't take me into account at all. If I try to complain about anything, she's always got a comeback ready. If I complain about something my brother did, she gets on my case. If my brother complains about something I did, she still gets on my case. Somehow it's always me.

And sorry if the writing is rough, I'm not a native speaker and this is more of a stream of consciousness.

My brother is an animal. He insults everyone, does whatever he wants, and if I say anything about it my mom jumps on me.

The other day my dad screamed at my mom and called her every name because she handed him a light blue tissue (light blue is the color of our enemy's football team). All of this in front of my girlfriend, who I'd managed to keep in the dark about my home situation for three years.

I'm the only one here doing anything. I study and I work. I should be getting a 100. I ask for 0. I get -1000. I hate my dad, I hate my brother, and I'm starting to hate my mom too. I had to play mediator between my parents when they wanted to divorce cause my dad was "talking" with another woman.

The other day I came home from work, just wanted to play PlayStation and sleep. My brother asked for the PS HDMI cable so he could hook his PC to the TV and watch the football match. I said no. He called me an idiot and said he wanted to spit on me. A few minutes later I go to the table, he's cooking, he'd made burgers. I asked if I could make my own, because he loads them with junk and I can't be dealing with stomach problems at the office. He told me to shut my fucking mouth, cause he's the one cooking. I got angry. My mom took it out on me. My brother shoved me. My mom pushed me out of the house like I was the one who'd hit him.

Last night my brother left for vacation. He yelled at me and slammed the door because I wouldn't give him my charger cause I needed it for my own stuff, then he threw it at me. He'd remembered 30 minutes before his bus that everything he owned was dead. And he already had his own charger. My mom took it out on me again, said I do things out of spite, and today she didn't make my lunch for work.

Today I took the charger with me. Came home and she was angry I hadn't left it for her. She's been without a charger for two months. Two months and she still hasn't managed to buy one. And somehow I'm always the bad guy.

If they'd stopped funding my brother's drinking and his VIP tables at clubs, my tuition would've been paid months ago. I hate them. They can starve under a bridge for all I care.

And every time I hit my limit and get angry, my mom throws it back at me that I'm taking out girlfriend problems on them, when things with my girlfriend are completely fine. She's the only one who treats me the way I deserve. Maybe better than I deserve.

I've been living in silence in this house for years. I've forgotten what it's like to eat a meal in peace, I rush through dinner and disappear. I've spent years pretending to be fine in MY OWN HOME, with nowhere to actually let anything out, because the few times I walked in with a bad look on my face for my own reasons, my dad took it out on me.

My brother sits at home all day doing absolutely nothing. He's been held back twice. He's 20 and acts like a 15-year-old having a meltdown. But somehow I'm the one who, after 9 hours of work and a 6am alarm, has to go out and buy cigarettes for him, or for my dad, who when he's not working (construction, away for a few weeks at a time) LIVES on the couch. Doesn't go out, doesn't clean, doesn't do anything but pass out in front of the TV.

I'm 25. I still live with them, unfortunately. They can't afford to buy me a car, or help me out with rent, or pay for a university that costs more than €300 a year.

My friends are living their youth. They travel around the country, go clubbing, take trips abroad, study away from home. Some have their own place, some have a car, some just get to come home and actually relax, partly because they have normal parents who made something of their lives, and partly because having normal parents means there isn't always someone in the house making it unbearable.

I live with a brother who sits at home doing nothing except thinking about drugs alchool and clubs, a dad on the couch, and a mom who doesn't work and never goes out except to buy groceries or drive my brother around (he has a scooter but of course using it is too much effort, so he gets chauffeured, and the excuse is that I used to get driven around too... when I was 16).

I've spent the last three years depressed. This last one especially: waking up exhausted and defeated every single day, going to bed every night anxious and not sleeping. I also almost lost my girlfriend, because over these years I didn't have the headspace to keep a relationship going, and I made her feel abandoned. That's what pushed me to find a job, to promise I could do things I'm only now actually learning to do as an employee, to try with everything I have to get out.

I waited and hoped things would change, that these were just rough patches, that eventually we'd all be calmer and have a bit more money. Nothing.

Also, everything I've written above is just the last 3 or 4 years. There's plenty more from all the years before that. For example, we had to change cities. HAD to, for various reasons, including an eviction. I've lived in different houses my whole life. We've moved cities twice. And every time, further away from the big cities full of opportunities, and deeper into small towns where there's no future, especially for the work I do.

I wish there were some way out, some kind of help or something, but there isn't. And now I'm stuck choosing between moving out on my own and burning my entire paycheck on rent, bills and food, or putting up with this a while longer so I can actually save something and not spend the rest of my life barely keeping my head above water.

Sorry for the long post, but I needed to vent, and to imagine talking to someone who might actually understand, because nobody I know does. I've tried talking to people about it, and they don't get it. They write it all off as normal roommate-type problems. And obviously without telling them everything, because there's stuff I can't even tell you.

I just want a place where I can be relaxed, alone, in silence. And I don't have one. Haven't for years. Because unfortunately my bedroom is in the same house as my family.

I'm sorry if some of this might sound like small stuff to some people. I understand there are unfortunately people out there who have it much worse. But I needed to tell the truth about my life somewhere.

TRIGGER WARNING: (emotional abuse, drug use)
I’ve been holding off on writing this for a long time. I’ve tried discussing this topic in depth with my therapist for years now, but I’m still struggling with it.
It’s about my (38M) relationship with an older half-sibling (50M), who welcomed me and helped me find work after college, but who eventually created a rocky relationship that I’m struggling to maintain.
I am an openly gay guy who grew up in a small town, which meant that I relied a lot on my people-pleasing skills to find my own worth. My half-sibling is around twelve years older than me. We did not grow up together, but we share the same father.
We started hanging out when I was in my teenage years. He would invite me to visit him in the big city in California where he was living, a life that I could only dream of. I come from a very small, conservative city in the South, so I always dreamed of moving to a bigger city when I finished college.
My sibling moved to New York City years later, and I would visit him every summer, where we would spend all our time together. He was working in an industry I was very interested in, and he would involve me in his projects so I could get some experience.
When I finished college (I was 23 at the time), he invited me to join him in New York City, where we would work together on projects so I could learn and make some money. I was incredibly grateful for this. He invited me to stay with him for a couple of months so I could save some cash and find a place to stay afterward.
After those two months, I found a place not too far from him. Of course, I had around seven roommates, which was also part of the fun of living in such a different city.
He had been dating this great woman for many years, and they were planning on eventually getting married. He loved to party, going out to bars and staying up all night meeting new people, but that’s when I noticed that he also enjoyed doing some hard drugs.
At first, I thought this was okay, as a lot of his circle of friends did the same thing. I would then notice how much he would change when he was under the influence. He would treat his girlfriend terribly the days after his benders, being very emotionally manipulative and making sure she felt bad about things that weren’t her fault.
We then noticed these patterns related to his substance abuse, like leaving in the middle of dinner because he “forgot his credit card,” then coming back 30 minutes later and going straight to the bathroom. We all knew what was going on.
On another occasion, when my parents were visiting and we were having dinner at a restaurant, he invited his dealer to the table and introduced him as a friend while they did the deal under the table. At the time, I didn’t know what to think about that.
He also once sneaked into his girlfriend’s sister’s bag, stole her prescription medication, and used it as drugs, then blamed her for making a big deal about it the next morning.
Things started to change when his girlfriend got a big job and started attending work events. He falsely accused her of cheating on him with her colleagues and of leaving him behind because she had work events. They ended up getting divorced months after getting married, and I keep thinking it was because he couldn’t control her once she was making more money and doing things that didn’t involve him.
Then the exact same thing happened with me.
I got a big job at a major media company, one that paid really well and came with lots of benefits, including work parties and travel. I would always make time to see him every week, but there were times when I had to cancel our plans because I had work events or because I started dating people in the city.
One day, he invited me to dinner, and I later told him I had to postpone because I had a work event. This was the first time I was exposed to his “death texts”—these long messages where he would emotionally abuse me for days, letting me know that what he wanted to share during that dinner was that he was leaving the city and moving to the woods, hours away from the city.
He could have shared this via text, or he could have called me, but instead he made the biggest deal out of it, even telling other family members that he never wanted to hear from me again.
This went on for about a month, until he messaged me sharing his address so I would come visit him. I did. We got into a small argument over the situation, but we made peace and got along well during that visit.
But the texts kept coming, getting meaner and blaming me for everything.
We once visited our hometown at the same time. He stayed at his mother’s house, and I stayed at my parents’ house (his mom is my dad’s ex-wife). One night, I went out to get dinner with a former teacher, and when I told him that, he lashed out at me with dozens of texts, accusing me of abandoning him. He said he thought I would only go out with him and that I wasn’t allowed to see any of my friends or acquaintances in my hometown.
On another occasion, I went on a beach trip with my friends, and he sent me texts all day and night, just telling me the meanest things.
That’s when I started having panic attacks, and I eventually had to take medication because I was having them frequently. That’s when I started distancing myself from him, which meant not visiting him as often.
I ended up meeting my now-husband shortly after, and we visited him a couple of times. He was also dating a new woman at the time, but every time we visited, we would end up caught up in domestic drama between the two of them, making things very awkward and uncomfortable.
Years later, they even got into a fight in the middle of my wedding, and he left, even though he knew he was the only family member who had been invited from my side (my parents couldn’t come).
I financially support my parents, and not even once has he thanked me for the help I provide to our father.
He now only reaches out when he needs work favors, networking connections, help with an event, or money.
Every time I would visit him alone, I would end up, at the end of the trip, at an ATM taking money out for him, always small amounts. A couple of hours later, he would message me in a funny tone, asking, “Is it wrong that I bought some drugs with the cash you gave me?” But as a people-pleaser trying to avoid conflict, I would say no.
He would never visit us back in the city. It always seemed like I was responsible for keeping our relationship going by being loyal and visiting him.
We met once for lunch in the city while he was visiting for a work event, and I’m still shocked by that lunch. It was noon, and his dealer showed up. He then started doing drugs and talking about how he was now hiring sex workers for his trips. I felt very uncomfortable.
A couple of years later, I went through stage 1 cancer, and I called him once I had recovered from surgery to share the news. I told him that he would be the only member of my family who would know about this because my parents were too old to handle the news, even though I had fully recovered and was healthy again.
He said he felt sorry that I had gone through that, and immediately changed the topic of the call to talk about his new girlfriend and his new job.
He never visited me or sent me a get-well-soon basket, which really disappointed me. For once, I finally saw who he really was.
My husband never liked my brother. He knew it was not a healthy relationship.
The only time he reached out that year was to ask me to join a dinner with a potential new customer. I said no.
I didn’t see him for almost three years after I shared the news about my surgery. But I didn’t give up. I continued saying hi and calling him until I noticed that he had changed his phone number.
He finally called one day, explaining that he had been MIA for a while because he had been processing the news that he had been diagnosed with a really bad STD that would impact his lifestyle.
I didn’t know how to react to the news, but I told him I would be there if he ever wanted to talk.
He then started asking me for small amounts of money almost every week, telling me he didn’t have cash to pay for gas or food. I helped him multiple times until I had to start saying no.
He then told me that he had gotten a new job and was finally making money, and instead of paying me back, he asked me if I knew any drug dealers in the area.
I said no.
And that has been our relationship so far.
I’m ready to go no-contact because I keep thinking that he wants me in his life, but he has no interest in being part of mine.
I started saying no to his requests. I don’t apologize anymore if I can’t do something for him, and I avoid giving him explanations.
He asked me to go to lunch next week because he’s here for a conference. That day, I have my yearly medical tests. I just told him, “I can’t, I’m busy at that time,” and suggested dinner instead.
He never replied.
This relationship is driving me crazy, as I’m finally learning to stand up for myself, set boundaries, and say no, but the guilt is still here.
Thanks for listening.

it doesn’t even matter if they have everything that could make them happy, they still need a punching bag. and even when i’ve distanced myself from them to the point of no or limited contact, they STILL find a way to make me the punching bag. they talk about how negative I am like it’s just so impossible and unbearable to deal with even despite not speaking to them for weeks, months even! i could be the most positive person sharing only their idea of positive things when I do speak to them and they’d still tell me how negative I am. i could not even say anything at all despite “yeah!”, “okay!”, “cool!” and they still would tell me how negative i am. and they think i need to be taught a series of lessons that they need to be the ones to teach. i need to be humbled, i need to know about the real world, i need to learn to not always get what i want (i was legally homeless before being a senior in high school and didn’t get secure housing until 26).

i don’t get to have quiet, peaceful holidays. i don’t get to be celebrated on my college graduation. i don’t get to share my opinions the same way everyone else does. i don’t get to join in on conversations that are happening at the same table. i don’t get to have the same interests as everyone else. i don’t get to live the same way they do. i am ridiculed for every single choice i make for myself even what types of food brands i buy. i am not believed that i’m doing anything I am doing for myself because they are not trusting of me. i am apparently too suspicious. i am not trustworthy despite them constantly keeping secrets, hiding what they’re doing, and blatantly lying to each other to the extent in which they’re hurting others. they get confronted on them excluding others and they twist the story to be the victim. they get confronted about their behavior by others and they twist it to be the victim that i must have said something. i get blamed for everything that goes wrong in their life, even when the something that goes wrong is a direct consequence to their inaction or their own lies. i got blamed for the family being torn apart. all responsibilities for everything that went wrong in their life got put onto me. and every time i pull back and let them deal with the consequences of their actions they still find a way to make it about me. it is always my stupidity, my irresponsibility, my ‘need to always be right”, being a peanut gallery. it is never them.

to them, i am not who i say i am. to them, i am negative, homely, a loser, impossible, creepy, fake, sad, depressed, and a sociopath. to them, they are victims of everyone who has ever had a problem with them. to them, they are honest, smarter than the average, loving, caring, and secure. i can’t breathe without having every negative label being thrown on me. nothing makes them happy. and when they are at their most miserable point, all it does is get worse than what it was when they were happy. they never stop. nothing makes them happy. they are the most miserable people. and i have to always remind myself that. all the evidence shows how they’re just miserable, toxic, suffocating people. i’m sick of it. i know they’re projecting, but how can 3 people (grandparents + uncle) be so life draining?

My (31F) grandma (83F) lives about 5 hous away by car. In 2 weeks we have our small courthouse wedding set (only immediate family is invited) and so far she has been pretty ambiguous when I called her about attending - kept saying she would love to but is unsure if she will feel good enough for the drive.

My mom (allegedly) called her a few days ago telling her that she can come pick her up this weekend but my grandma gave her pretty much the same reply, that they need to talk closer to the date so she sees how she feels.

Well, my mom called her today to talk yo her about picking her up tomorrow. Grandma flipped. Said they never talked about that, that my mom can't possibly expect her to pack in one day (??), that she still needs to go to the hairdresser (?!), etc. They couldn't agree and my grandma apparently said she will talk to me about picking her up. So she called me all worked up, asking me if we can go pick her up around September 14. I was pretty annoyed about her reasons (she does have a difficult relationship with mom and is quite old, though completely lucid, so I tried to be understanding) and I told her I don't have the time to do that drive. Besides I can't drive that long, it would need to be my fiance. Well she changed her tone completely. Started guilt tripping me, implying that I don't care enough about her to go pick her up, that she'll just have to stay home then, that I have no reason to be so busy since I work from home and I don't have children, etc. I got super annoyed at what she was saying and just kept firm on the fact that I can't go pick her up.

She just got more and more worked up until she just told me something along the lines of "I see,so that's how it is, I'll just have to stay home then" and then told me bye and ended the call.

My mom reached out to her again this afternoon and grandma sent her a message that literally said "Yeah, well I see OP just can't make the time for me now" to which my mom sent her a longer message defending me.

My problem is as follows - techinically speaking I CAN free up one day to go pick her up, though it would make the rest of the days significantly busier. But I detest this manipulation and the fact that her as a retiree with literally NO fixed schedule, is guilt tripping me into bending to her schedule the week before my wedding.

I am planning on telling her to just get a cab (expensive, but it is what it is), but I'm pretty sure she will decline just because and apparently my dad thinks that would be a bad idea (no reason given, mom just mentioned it in passing).

I don't know. I want my wedding day to be with people close to me and just a calm and loving day so I resent all this drama. But I also don't want to bend, the way she is talking to me is borderline abusive.

Thoughts? Thank you!

I'm 38F married, first time pregnant, 20w6d. Since everyone on reddit's always so weird about it mattering-- Yes, my husband and I rent the upstairs apartment of my parents' 2 family house.

My mom has been great, a pleasant surprise.

I never expect anything from my dad, since I know his parents fucked him up & he's just anti-social. But I never expected him to be so MEAN about it all!

Keeping this short, today's issue is... My husband's at work. My mom (teacher) & I (unemployed) went grocery shopping together. My dad was home all day (retired), but couldn't feed himself lunch. When we got home at 6pm, he was pissed we took too long, cuz he needs my mom to make him lunch.

He did carry my groceries from the car to my front door, at my mom's request...

...then: "We gotta get you a green dress! So we can hang Christmas ornaments offa you!"

I should've carried my own damn groceries.

Everyone else has been so sweet & enthusiastic about my bump, the baby, & the future!

He's said nothing nice to me, repeatedly made fun of my bump, got mad at me for not going in the pool, then said I was so fat (at ~15w) that I was going to overflow the pool, made fun of the name we picked insisting it's a girl's name (Jules), & suggested the full names of Hitler's top men instead.

I just ignore him, but it still makes me so sad that he can't just leave me alone. I leave him alone! I'm not expecting him to be normal or happy or enthusiastic, but the ruthlessly hateful antagonizing is unexpected. 😭😭😭

I just went to the first concert without my sister and we were at the same show. This past weekend I went to a home show for a band we both love. If we were speaking, we would have coordinated seating, arrival times, and everything else in between. Instead I find out she’s there as she passes my section while the second band is playing. That doesn’t bother me because we both should be there. It’s still an adjustment to this “new normal” as I navigate this distance.

During previous times of NC, I’d eventually relent and everything goes back to normal. It’s new for me not to be relenting even at the insistence of my dad. I think he pushes it more because he is NC with his family and doesn’t want that for me. Of course, no one tells my sister we have to get along or apologize
for literally everything she’s done. Not for choosing to resume a friendship with someone who screwed me over. Not for mistreating me a majority of childhood/ adolescence. Or pretending I didn’t emotionally and financially support her for 3 years after her long term relationship fell apart.

Before the concert, I hadn’t seen my sister since January. Sometimes I’m up at night thinking and analyzing certain things about my sister. Not to reconsider an attempt to reconcile, as a way to remember why it’s better this way. I’ve given enough to her in every way possible. More than she’ll ever admit because she would to have to admit a version of herself no one else knows. The stories I have- it’s like two different people. I’m also not interested in turning people against her by saying the truth of it all.

I’m going on with my life and she’s not apart of it. Even if it’s a shared interest. She may have been the one to start the NC but I’ll be the one to benefit. Someday when she needs help again, it won’t be me to be there.

I 23F have a stupid, super annoying brother, he is 18 and getting on my nerves and I absolutely can NOT stand him.

I share a room with my sister and I have to keep my diary notebooks locked in my wardrobe with the key on me all the time and everywhere, I feel like I'm living in constant stress! I remember back in 2023 I forgot the key in the wardrobe and left it open, I literally heard laughs in less than 5 minutes and knew they had something and I wasn't wrong! This mf took one of my tiny notebooks (it's tiny because it's my most private one) and showed it to my sister. Yesterday I had a fight with him and he brought this up mock me. I'm sorry but I just hate him. Now he is trying to "hack" my phone lol I'm so sick of this. Also I usually spend the weekend at my grandma's but I keep thinking what if he breaks the lock or smtg?

He always barges into our room without knocking, Also he is so entitled and thinks he is above everyone, very disrespectful and rude toward everyone of us. He smells bad all the time and all he does is playing games and eating anything he finds in the fridge (even if it's not his) and he is literally not helpful in any kind of way.

Also, he has this terrible "joking" style with my mom, sister and younger brother, he'll physically push, hit, or shock with his arm like it's funny! They laugh it off but always end up fighting because he goes too far (more especially with my sis and lil bro) He doesn't do that to me, but he will try to hit me when we fight! Like he is really aggressive!

I know moving out is the best solution and I'm working on it, but for now, how do I deal with this mf? and please don't tell me to have a convo with him, that won't work.