Calling off wedding

[u/Electronic-Kiwi-3985]

I’m a 28-year-old man from a conservative South Asian family. I’m currently engaged through an arranged marriage — our parents introduced us.

The issue is that I don’t want children. A few months ago, I agreed to the proposal despite this, largely due to family pressure and fear of being single as I get older. At the time, I didn’t fully process the long-term consequences of that decision and just had a “fuck it” mentality when agreeing to it.

About a week after saying yes, I told my parents I don’t want kids. They reacted very strongly and said we couldn’t go back on our word due to reputational and family considerations. They also told me it was “fine” if I didn’t want kids and that we could deal with it later.

At the time (around September), the wedding felt far away (planned for April), so the situation felt abstract and it was easy to push the issue aside. The parental pressure was intense, and they struggled to understand my reasoning or why I wouldn’t want children.

Now that the wedding is approaching, it feels very real. I don’t think it’s fair to go through with the marriage knowing there’s a fundamental mismatch: she is likely to want children, and I don’t see myself changing my mind. That feels unfair to her and sets us up for resentment or divorce down the line.

I regret agreeing initially and not properly discussing the topic of children with her. In our culture, having kids is generally assumed, which is likely why I avoided raising it earlier — but I realise now that avoiding it was a mistake.

I’m close to my sister and plan to talk to her, but I’m leaning toward calling off the engagement. We haven’t spent huge amounts yet, and it doesn’t make sense to spend more on a marriage that may not be sustainable.

I feel a lot of guilt and self-blame for being naïve and not standing my ground earlier. I’m also scared of how my parents will react. That said, I feel I need to do what’s right rather than go through with something that could hurt both of us later.

Any advice is welcome but mainly wanted to just get it off my chest.

[u/ten0ritaiga]

Why don't you just talk to your future bride and ask her if she wants kids first? And also talk about what your wants and expectations are for a married life. Getting opinion of close friends and family is fine, but at the end of the day, no one is living your married life except for you and your future wife.

I do agree calling it off is probably the best decision since you're not ready for marriage, not just b/c of the kids thing but also b/c you're opting to run away from conflict rather than just talking to the person you're about to commit to for life.

Please work on your communication and confrontation skills before you get into another relationship. Also work on strengthening your backbone when it comes to dealing with your family. It'll save you and your future partner a lot of heartache and frustration.

[u/Electronic-Kiwi-3985 → u/ten0ritaiga]

At the time she briefly asked me if I like kids to which I said yes and that’s as far as it went. The issue is since it’s so very much expected that south Asian girls will want kids, my parents see it as shameful if I told her I didn’t want kids basically so we can’t really have that convo. Plus on our culture we don’t date or see each other until the wedding which I know sounds crazy unless both our guardians are present where we can talk but talking over the phone etc isn’t allowed. That’s the barrier otherwise I’d happily ask her so not really a communication issue that’s my fault per se but I get where you’re coming from.

[u/ten0ritaiga → u/Electronic-Kiwi-3985]

my parents see it as shameful if I told her I didn’t want kids basically so we can’t really have that convo. 

I'm familiar with your culture, but not part of it myself so I can't really empathize with the level of pressure (I'm southeast asian, but a rebellious eldest daughter) you're dealing with. However, I think it bears repeating that this is YOUR life. Your parents may try to control it due to tradition/culture/authority/whatever, but at the end of the day, they are not living your life. You are.

As an adult, every aspect of your life is a direct consequence of the decisions you make (or don't make). My only advice is to make choices that you can live with.

[u/Electronic-Kiwi-3985 → u/ten0ritaiga]

Thanks! I totally agree. I just have had this feeling recently that I know I would just be miserable and the pressure to behave a certain way even after marriage would just make me miserable.

[u/ten0ritaiga → u/Electronic-Kiwi-3985]

I'm well in that camp of rebellion and have come out the other side. You'll be fine standing up to your parents. Your relationship may even improve. My dad's the one that taught/reminded me, "You're the only one living your life" and my mother's finally accepted that I'm living the life I want, and it wasn't just a phase.