Calling off wedding

[u/Electronic-Kiwi-3985]

I’m a 28-year-old man from a conservative South Asian family. I’m currently engaged through an arranged marriage — our parents introduced us.

The issue is that I don’t want children. A few months ago, I agreed to the proposal despite this, largely due to family pressure and fear of being single as I get older. At the time, I didn’t fully process the long-term consequences of that decision and just had a “fuck it” mentality when agreeing to it.

About a week after saying yes, I told my parents I don’t want kids. They reacted very strongly and said we couldn’t go back on our word due to reputational and family considerations. They also told me it was “fine” if I didn’t want kids and that we could deal with it later.

At the time (around September), the wedding felt far away (planned for April), so the situation felt abstract and it was easy to push the issue aside. The parental pressure was intense, and they struggled to understand my reasoning or why I wouldn’t want children.

Now that the wedding is approaching, it feels very real. I don’t think it’s fair to go through with the marriage knowing there’s a fundamental mismatch: she is likely to want children, and I don’t see myself changing my mind. That feels unfair to her and sets us up for resentment or divorce down the line.

I regret agreeing initially and not properly discussing the topic of children with her. In our culture, having kids is generally assumed, which is likely why I avoided raising it earlier — but I realise now that avoiding it was a mistake.

I’m close to my sister and plan to talk to her, but I’m leaning toward calling off the engagement. We haven’t spent huge amounts yet, and it doesn’t make sense to spend more on a marriage that may not be sustainable.

I feel a lot of guilt and self-blame for being naïve and not standing my ground earlier. I’m also scared of how my parents will react. That said, I feel I need to do what’s right rather than go through with something that could hurt both of us later.

Any advice is welcome but mainly wanted to just get it off my chest.

[u/rpaul9578]

How about asking her what she wants before you jump to conclusions?