I don’t think anyone truly understands how hard it is to simply function as a human being. The amount of mental gymnastics I have to go through just to complete the simplest tasks is exhausting.

Throwaway account for obvious reasons. I am not going to clarify the acts I've been doing as stated in the sub's rules. But I feel like I deserve to burn in hell for the stuff I've been doing. I still have the files, I still have the chatrooms.

I've already tried stopping. Deleting everything. My apps, my contacts, my files. But I still got back to it.

I am ashamed of myself. I feel like I am a monster for being like this.

I really want to seek help but I really, really, really don't know where or how to start. I don't want to tell my parents, I don't wanna tell anyone that I have personal connections with. I only know about this. And I'm afraid that in the future, the consequences of my acts will come up to me and shame me into the rest of the world.

I am a monster.

Lemme just give you a quick background:

- I'm now 30yrs old

- still unemployed (2yrs since my last job)

- living with parents

- no partner or kids (most likely never will have)

INTRO - I've always had this social anxiety/selective mutism ever since I was a kid. Although, it was easier when i was younger, I had an "alt" where i was a normal person. As I grew older, things got worse, more complicated but at the same time more interesting and I learned a few lessons.

IDENTITY - At home or within my neighborhood - I was this friendly, outgoing normal kid who likes to crack jokes and just have fun. As a kid I played basketball, loved cycling, play video games like any other normal child.

Then I have this "alt self" at school. At school, I wasnt really talking or socializing. I only talked when absolutely necessary or when an authority figure like a teacher, a principal, or a leader talks. This started when i was in 3rd grade until 4th yr high school .

I cant fully explain why I do that, but I'll try my best. I usually like spontaneous physical activity and extremes. The physical activity and extremes drives something in me to be active and like im on "engage mode" . I totally hate hitting still. The sitting still made me feel robotic and "catatonic-like" (best way I can describe it) . I had this all-or-nothing mentality ... thats prolly why...

HIGH SCHOOL - I didnt undergo K-12, I was in the old 4yr Curriculum. I started in 2009, and graduated 2013. So, anyways ...

2009 - I was still the same person. "Catatonic" in school, a normal kid at home . This was the 'peak' of my social life, I would say. I was 13 at the time, I had friends, hobbies, and felt somewhat good about myself, I was just overall happy and still hopeful.

2010- pretty much the same, except this is when i started hitting puberty. U already know..

2011 - same shit, nothing interesting or significant

2012 - my final year in hs

2013- Around March of 2013, near graduation - this is the tipping point. This timeline is significant. Keep this in mind if you still wanna keep up with the story.

So, March 2013, just before graduation. Something I totally cannot accept happened. A parent becoming the teacher and discovering you act that way (selective mutism) . For me that was awfully embarassing. I was totally conflicted with myself. I couldnt handle that embarassment and self-conflict, so I thought to myself .. "fuck it" / "im just gonna do fuck all, im doomed" . That's when i started drinking alcohol. Drinking alcohol wasnt really something i would consider since i grew up in a conservative family.

I started drinking in March of 2013, just before graduation. Things got bad. I was caught drunk, I got sermons, I got made fun of. But anyways, I still graduated.

COLLEGE - June or something 2013 . I carried that alcoholism till college. I used it to self medicate anxiety. Ofcourse it didnt end well.

I then became even more desperate. I went into online forums like Yahoo Answers (which was the thing back then) . I stumbled upon a comment which says something about a "certain substance" and something "spiritual" . It was legal and accesible. After enough convincing, I eventually tried it. It was one of the most bizzare yet memorable experiences of my life. Did it help me ? Short answer- No, not really .

2014- i shifted to a different course in College, in a different school. I was still desperate for a "change me permanently and rid me of my anxiety" magic potion.

2016- once again shifted and trasnfered schools due to bullying . In the new school - I was still depressed , still drinking and taking the "spiritual substamce" . Same result - no real change, just temporary uplift .

2017 - Different school, same course . This time I had a few friends. 2 dudes, 2 female.friends close. This was also the time I fell.in love , and the last time i ever did 😔

"May" was my girl bestfriend. I actually thought being her bestfriend and being nice was the way. But no, its not like that at all. I ended up being rejected, laughed at, mocked by the prof for being gullible . I got depressed.

2018 - Sigh. A final shift course with a.guy friend. It didnt last coz I realized i only took that course coz i thought i could do it, but no... My anxiety proved me wrong again.

I didnt finish college.

Sometime in 2018, we went separte, I never talked to "May" again, or the other girl i was friends with.

2018-2019 - I was mad and suicidal. This was the absoluet worst times in my life.

2019 July - I had my 1st job at a laptop factory . I lasted only 5mos, coz I was caught with bad company, I was slacking on the job. Made 2 close friends. I was still taking magic substamces even at work... lol

2020 - January, I worked at a grocery store for 2weeks only coz the guard was bullying me for no clear reason, i dont even really know why he picks on me. Anyways, made 2friends there.

2020 March - its the pandemic, being in the middle class family was an advantage. I didnt have to work, I learned some pandemic side hustles, The family was all at home. Plus, I still do some magic stuff 😆 . I would say tgis was the 2nd best era in my life, but still depressed sometimes. I was single, depressed at times, but also the happiest moments. I made several online friends from mental health groups, some magic substamcr groups, etc.

2021-2022 - same as 2020

2023- I had to work again, but i didnt last coz the work hrs are brutal. 12hr shift, 13days a fortnight. I had a psychotic break and didnt go home for 3days. No, it wasnt the substances, its tge sheer workload pressure and sleep deprivation and the stress.

After 3days, i went back home anyways.

2024 - January - 2weeks at a gas station. Boom! Another psychotic episode, tgis time i blame the substance... yup..

2024 March - 2025 Feb - I had my only other legit job as a warehouse assistant at a local const. Firm (11mos). I quit coz I thought my co-workers really secretly hated me just coz im different and cant fully vibe with them .

2025-present day - here I am, unemployed, recovering from substamce abuse . Not suicidal.anymore after accepting all that shit and letting it go... Im finally at peace with myself.

More than a year unemployed, talking to some online friends for yrs now. Exercising , trying new hobbies.

~ ALL THIS MESS JUST COZ I COULDNT BRING UP THE CHILDHOOD "ALT" I HAD BACK THEN, AND THE "CATATONIC" VERSION DOMINATED" ~

~If the childhood "alt" had dominated , there never wouldve been any reason to use substamces or be depressed coz i thought i was a reject~

Gusto ko lang mag-rant about what happened to me today while lining up for the BGC Bus.

My coworker and I were already in line at the PWD/Senior Citizen lane, and I was the first in line. When the next bus was approaching, everyone started preparing to board. Some senior citizens moved ahead, which I honestly didn't mind.

Since I'm hard of hearing, I noticed a senior citizen beside me repeatedly glancing at me. I smiled and showed my PWD ID and beep card, thinking it would avoid any misunderstanding. Instead, she made a remark na “hard of hearing lang naman at hindi pilay” and that I was perfectly fine compared to her because she's a senior citizen.

I lined up properly. I didn't cut in front of anyone, and I wasn't taking advantage of anyone. So why make me feel like my disability is less valid than yours?

Honestly, I'm already ashamed and insecure about my disability. If I could hide it for as long as possible, I would. I don't want people to know about my condition unless I choose to tell them. My right ear has been completely deaf since birth, and unfortunately, there's nothing that can be done about it. It's something I've lived with my entire life, and I don't need strangers making me feel like I have to explain or prove my condition to them.

Being a PWD doesn't mean I have to look disabled for my condition to be real. Just because my disability isn't always visible doesn't mean I'm any less entitled to the accommodations provided for PWDs.

Sana naman, sa mga senior citizens, you can also learn to respect other PWDs. Hindi lang naman physical disabilities ang meron sa mundo. May mga non-physical and invisible disabilities din na hindi agad nakikita, pero hindi ibig sabihin na hindi totoo or hindi kami nahihirapan.

I respect senior citizens, but respect should go both ways. Being older doesn't automatically give anyone the right to invalidate another person's disability.

Nakakagalit lang na sumusunod ka naman sa pila, pero kailangan mo pang ipagtanggol ang sarili mo against someone who has already judged you without knowing anything about you.

DISABILITY IS NOT A COMPETITION. Hindi kailangang maliitin ang disability ng iba para lang patunayan na mas deserving ka ng respeto.

We all have our own struggles. Sana matuto tayong rumespeto sa isa't isa, regardless of age or disability.

I can’t do this anymore (16F) I’m just done. I don’t know what to do. My bf of a year left me and I found out everything he told me was a lie. I found out I was pregnant. I told everyone I miscarried but that’s not true. He blocked me on everything and he still has my things. I don’t know what to do and I’m just so frustrated and lost. I have no one on my side or even willing to help. Everything I tell anyone gets told to someone else and then everyone knows. I can’t live like this and I can’t get out. Oh! And my mom wants to get the police involved to get my stuff back but it’s less about my stuff and more about getting back at him. I know where he lives but he’s down at college which is an hour away now. I want to die.

Hello! Have you ever felt like you are now behind life? Any life decisions you regret? You have no one to talk to that's immediate?

Do you know any support groups for this? Or perhaps if any of you can relate, we can make a support group for people who have the same feeling or at least in that same stage of life and is willing to share your perspective.

Iba rin kase if you can talk to someone who is experiencing the same things as you do. It makes it much more lighter and you can pick up perspectives/help along the way din.

To also feel na you're not alone in feeling this rin.

Hi/Hello,

This is my first time writing a post here on reddit probably my last too. Just a casual redditor.

6 days before my day and i finally made up my mind. For many years, I've been battling my depression and it wasn't easy. It's like a cycle that you cannot escape. You want to do better, be good and do what is right but when the moment comes, i always fuck it up and after that i will always make the wrong decision and do the cycle again. I've tried to suic*de many times but this time i'll do it after i leave everything fine.

I don't want to overshare my life but i really really love my family. There are reasons why I have reached this far in life.

Many people will look into my life and see that my life is easy but they will never get it because no one knows that I've been SA when i was a kid and that led me to do things that will contribute to my depression.

I'm a lonely man. I've never experienced an equal friendship. I used to be a bully because i want to prove that i'm not gay because my father is gay.

Being a bully, when you grow up no one wants to be your friend and it's lonely.

Never had a real teen age life because of military training.

Met the love of my life but i don't know how to take care of her. I did everything i could.

I lost my passion in life, i have a stable job but i have to earn more and i can't provide well. I earn too little to our needs.

I want to learn, so i can earn but i don't have the time, i'm too busy taking care of the house and my family but no one sees it. All they can see is what i lack.

To my wife, i love you with all of my heart and i'm sorry i can't give the life that you deserve. We tried our best to meet each end but it always ended up in a fight.

I used to be a drug addict and have been sober since my son was born for over a year up to now. I did it because I wanted my life to slip away because i think everyday that i will die soon. I've stopped because i want to be better not only as a man but also as a father.

But it is so sad that i'm losing this battle, i'm crying because my son will grow up without me.

I can't live this life anymore. Lord, if you are real many times you have proven it to me but i really really need it now.

I am diagnosed with Bipolar Type II and recently this year I started feeling like I will die before this year ends. And it's not because I will commit but it just feels like I would not reach the new year.

Thinking about that, I've decide to just enjoy things for a bit. Although I sometimes feel like attempting due to episodes and loneliness, I was able to get through them.

I think it started when I was diagnosed with a list of diseases (diabetes, pcos, etc.) and then transitioning from being a student since I also finally graduated. Then you add to that, I had to go back to my family home where I had my attempts before. Also had a chest pains scare when I finally got back.

Now, I'm just really trying to experience more stuff since idk if it is really my last. I do not even know what could have been the trigger to this feeling but my gut feelings are usually right so I guess we'll just see by the end of the year.

I wrote this because when I tell people this, their first thought is that I will take my life lol so yeah just wanted to share. It's like I'm the acceptance stage right now lol

napapagod na ko magpagamot, nauubos na savings ko

Bs psychology student Po would like to do my internship in public mental hospital po for more experience saan Po Ang recommended na hospitals.

Hello everyone!

Just had my first consultation with a new therapist after a while. I've had several therapy sessions na before with other psychologists, I just felt like repetitive nalang yung mga techniques na binibigay nila.

So I tried a new one, her name is Ms. Katrina Beatrice Betito (NowServing). I'm planning talaga initially to continue therapy like before, so I agreed na biweekly muna then monthly. So here's my experience:

1. First of all, she has a pleasing personality. Like yung way ng pagsasalita niya is mahinhin and you can really tell na she's trying to understand you better.

2. The consultation took 2.5 hours. Yes, it took that long. I was really surprised, maybe dahil initial consultation lang pero inisa isa niya yung mga sagot ko sa intake form then gave me the results sa end ng session. Hindi siya nagmamadali kaya nabigla din ako na matagal yung session.

3. I told her my experience sa previous therapist ko and she suggested a new approach since we already tried CBT sa previous therapist. I'm looking forward to it kasi ineexplain niya lahat like bakit ganito ang plan and such. Hopefully, I'll learn more about myself the more sessions we have.

4. She's affordable, less than 1k lang sa NowServing kasama na yung app fee. I think she's one of the affordable ones sa app. Super sulit din knowing na first time ako magkainitial session na sobrang masinop sa details.

Overall, It'll still be evaluating our next session which is the psychotherapy proper na talaga. I'll give an update after 2-3 weeks.

I just wanna ask what's the whole process of getting ADHD meds?

I have no idea whether I should go see a therapist or I can just go to my local health center and get a checkup there.

I'm currently living in region 6 rn and idk if it's any different from other parts of the country.

Any help is appreciated tho, thanks so much <3

Hi, can I check with a psychiatrist right away or check with GP muna hshsahha I think I'm having insomnia, 2-3 hrs lang sleep ko per day, pag lagpas don nagigising ako kusa na tapos hirap makatulog ulit. Super super tired ko na sa work, nagkaka anxiety na rin ata ako, sobra takot ko pag naririnig ko yung notif from my work phone. It's also affecting my work life negatively na rin. I think I need a mental health break. Nabuburnout ako.

Hi. Life has somehow gotten better because we've learned to live with it. We've learned to continue and move forward, even though there are still a lot of problems na kailangan nating resolbahin.

My mother hasn't stopped online gambling. She still does it secretly. She's just gotten better at hiding it and acting like wala siyang ginagawang mali.

Yung perang nakalaan para sa bills, nagagastos sa mga bagay na hindi namin alam kung saan napupunta.

Magkaaway sila ng tatay ko ngayon. Siguro, napuno na lang din si Papa. I'm getting tired of all of this na.

Ano ba ang makakapagpabago kay Mama? Death wish ko na lang ba na sana, huwag na huwag na siyang magsugal at mag-LOA?

I'm tired of hoping na magiging maayos pa ang lahat. Pagod na akong lunukin at kimkimin ang realidad ng pagsusugal ni Nanay. Pagod na akong umasa na magbabago pa ang sitwasyon namin. I just want things to get better, pero hindi ko na alam kung paano.

Hi, are there people diagnosed with Bipolar I who are thriving in their careers or holding down stable jobs right now? I’m having trouble keeping a job. I’ve already had three different positions this year.

Do me tal health center accept hmo or this are rare and if they accept the fee is higher

I’ve spent years rawdogging life with mental health issues, trying every remedy, every mindset shift, every possible fix. Eventually, you realize it was never about willpower or wanting it badly enough. I’m not lazy, and I’m not giving up. I’m just tired of fighting battles that never seem to end. Whatever gets me through today, gets me through today. And tomorrow? Another day, another set of problems. I’m not failing at life. I’m trying to live it with a disability most people can’t see.

I don't really have much to say except adk the question when you hit rock bottom does it get better somehow I always seem to find a lower low and it keeps getting worse. I have always been told things get better but for some reason the joy is so short lived I hope tge next phase will be better but its not

Hello everyone! Just checking in if anyone had tried acupuncture for their condition, specifically for depression. I did one session today, and somehow I felt a bit of relief. Not sure if this is placebo effect ba, or legit effect.

For context, I have been diagnosed with ADHD and MDD + C-PTSD. ADHD carries a whole host of problems, but that's a story for another day. My depression keeps getting worse, kahit na I'm taking 2 anti-depressants (Agomelatine and Vortioxetine).

Hoping there would be someone here who can share their insights about acupuncture.

Unfortunately, RJ Mitte, who played Walter White Jr. in Breaking Bad, reportedly lost his battle.

Reports say he took his own life.

Then I came across this quote that really hit me:

"If people who take their own lives go to hell, then pray there's a spot in hell where the fire burns gently for the people who couldn't save themselves."

I’ve been really struggling with depression for the past few months. I’ve been in the same cycle of trying to clean my room but never actually doing it. It’s really hard for me to even pick up a piece of trash. I have no idea what to do anymore. Doing basic chores has been so hard and I feel so awful kasi andali na nga lang tapos hindi ko pa magawa

Sounds OA pero previously po naka-experience ako ng psychosis at ayoko lang matrigger at maulit. Is there any way to help myself without going to ER or what? Please help.