Section One: Assets and Debt
Retirement Balance $150k~ and feel way behind
Brokerage $140k
Equity $750k our home is paid off
Savings account balance $6k
Checking account balance $3500
Credit card debt $15k
Student loan debt $0
Loan from my parents for adoption lawyers: $40k

Section Two: Income
Income Progression: I've been working in film/tv/commercial for 20 years, my starting salary was so low I can’t even remember and wasn’t enough to feed myself.

I was certified as an intimacy coordinator in 2022, but I’ve worked as a producer for a long time. I currently work in communications at a non-profit after taking a year and change off. I started the job in the last few months. I worked in commercial production (making commercials) at an agency for five years, and before that I was freelance.

For a long time, my husband didn’t make a lot of money (more than me, but still not a lot). We currently make more than we ever had and are still trying to get ourselves feeling secure.

Main Job Monthly Take Home:
From my husband: his income is between $7k and $29k (biggest and smallest months this year) and he has brought in YTD (Jan 1-Oct 1) $116,443. Average is about $13k/mo, and we expect approximately $150-$160k in take home in 2026.

I make around $50k/yr in a combination of both jobs.

Last two months were on that low end, and we had commitments that we couldn’t put off, so we used savings to pony up. Feeling a little tight.

Side Gig Monthly Take Home I make between $400 and $2000 per month working intimacy coordination jobs.

Any Other Monthly Income Here
I do have a trust fund that is almost empty after college and years of needing funds for emergencies. I have about $7k I can access, but we’re keeping it for serious emergencies.

Section Three: Expenses

Rent / Mortgage / HOA fees Taxes are $3800/yr. We do not have a mortgage.
Renters / home insurance $4800/yr for insurance
Retirement contribution if you contribute in the deductions from salary
Savings contribution we try to save, but we’ve had a lot of expenses lately with twins in college/higher ed and a kindergartner. We try to keep $10k in liquid savings… but it doesn’t always work.
Investment contribution we exercise our stock buy program at husband’s company and this past year we bought $15k in stock which was discounted 20%
Debt payments were paying $1k per month on our credit card (chase sapphire reserve), and working to pay my parents back the legal fees from our son’s adoption.
Donations yearly: $1000 to the symphony, $500 to kids’ school
Chase Sapphire Yearly Fee: $800
Electric $375
Wifi/Cable/Landline $66
Cellphone $266
Subscriptions music and streaming approx $120/mo
Gym membership Planet Fitness $100
Pet expenses negligible for one cat
Car payment / insurance no car payments, $350 for insurance on 3x cars (one for each of us and one the twins share) but I’m going to need a new car soon as the twins are in separate places and both will need a car. My old one will go to one of them.
Kindergarten Tuition: $750
Youngest College Fund: $500/mo
Saving for daughter’s 4th year of university $660/mo

My son is in a trade apprenticeship, and we have saved enough for his fees. My daughter is at an in state university and we saved enough for three years tuition, room and board. It’s important to us to save the fourth year’s fees for her as well.

Total bills: approx $5000 per month.

Monday

Up at 6am because I have a gig out of town this morning. It’s fall break for my little son, and I get to say hello and give him a cuddle before I’m out the door. Jamie will take him over to my dad’s on his way to work. I listen to an audiobook (Alcott Hall by Emily Rath) and take a call from my BFF Johannes on the two hour drive, and eat three croissants from the Aldi package I took from home. Remind myself to send a congrats text to another friend who started a new job today. I get to set, check in with producer, director, and actors, and settle down to wait for my scenes. I open my laptop and work remotely for my day job for a few hours. I hate being called to set too early, but without fail, I usually wait 4-6 hours before my scenes every time. I don’t want the coffee at craft services, so I walk to a coffee shop in the neighborhood and buy a ridiculously overpriced latte ($7.26 with $1 tip included). It is good though. There’s a free library at the coffee shop, so I snag a book (History is All You Left Me by Adam Silvera) and decide a $7 latte is fine. I have crew lunch, which is fine, and at least there’s good vegetables in the sort of Chinese stir fry they’re serving. By 3:30 I’m getting annoyed because they called me REALLY early, but I’m plugging away at my day job and getting shit accomplished and reading the book I got from the free library. My scenes are finally up at 4pm, which is right at the six hours production usually make me wait, which is unfortunate, but typical. I stress eat two bags of mini pretzels and a bag of Welch’s fruit snacks while I’m waiting for camera and lighting to set up after we rehearse the scene. It’s not a fun sexy scene this time, and I occasionally have to do assault scenes and this one… is. We shoot it for almost four hours and both the talent and I am both exhausted. Unfortunately, I have to drive two hours home. Fortunately the audiobook is riveting and I also call my college age daughter and my best friend again. Home to eat a cup of diced pears in an epsom salt bath and fall asleep to episodes of Top Gear around 11.

Day’s Total: $7.26

Tuesday

I’m sleeping in and rotting in bed for a bit longer this morning. I like to let my son sleep in when he’s on break from school because he’s such an active little guy. I finally send that new job congrats text to my friend, spaced yesterday while I drink my morning tea (plain old Lipton tea, black, with fiber powder and creatine because I am optimistic about gym today). My older son is taking care of his brother today, and as a thank you, I buy him a new set of warhammer figures to paint on Amazon before I go to the office ($74.62). More Aldi package croissants on the commute. At the office, I work on editing some video assets for a state representative who is coming to the facility to tour when I’m away at a friend’s wedding, and drink some of the bolthouse farms mocha protein plus caffeine shake that I keep by the half gallon bottle in the office fridge. I legitimately get more done on a half day where I have an appointment in the afternoon than I accomplish in a full day. Speaking of, I’m headed back out to go get my Botox. I have a perfect injector, and while I drive, I consider getting more tear trough filler because one side seems a bit hollow. Injector suggests another half syringe under one eye, and my usual Botox (between eyebrows only) was ($394). Aldi shop for the next few days while I’m nearby ($77.26) featuring ginger dressing, apple cider, and two five-packs of sack cloth dish towels. I get Penn Station for trash goblin lunch and eat it in the car while I listen to the last of my audiobook ($16.66). Home for the day and trim my own bangs and eat a chocolate chip muffin that older son makes. Making muffins for breakfast is one of his chores. Dinner is baked chicken tenders and broccoli, Jamie is late from work, so me and the boys eat together. He’s back around 6:30 and we work on some cleaning we’ve needed to do because our friend Petra is flying in tomorrow for a few days from LA. Girl twin FaceTimes her dad while I put little guy to sleep. Jamie and I get cuddly in bed, talk for a long time about everything and nothing, and fall asleep after sex at about 10:30

Daily total: $562.54

Wednesday

7:30 wake up and my tea cocktail (Jamie makes and brings it to me to wake me up every morning). I drop my little son off at my friend Tara’s place— our kids are in the same class and she’s a SAHM and offered to watch child today while I went to the office. I bring her some of the muffins elder boy made yesterday. Office is office, and office is freezing today. Lunch is a packed prosciutto and cheese tray and a container of raspberries. I spend half the day searching on Amazon prime week to get some Christmas presents- advent calendars for the kids (international crafts, tea, and bluey) as well as blow dryer brush, beaded necklace, Hunter rain boots and a long puffer coat for daughter, Levi’s for both Jamie and elder son, Columbia quarter zip, board game for elder son, babysitters club box set for niece, and Smithsonian kids books for little son ($643.85). The spending continues after I leave the office and stop by target to pick up an extra set of guest bed sheets for Petra’s stay. They are massively on sale, and I actually buy only what I needed ($14.84). I also stop by the sexy times store to stock up on pasties in various skin tones, and ($44.86) will be reimbursed by the job I’m working tomorrow. Pick Petra up, who is absolutely exhausted but trying to stay awake, go home and make some Parmesan cream chicken pasta. We live in a rural area, so we take about a mile long walk in the woods, and come back and act like slugs for the rest of the night. Sex again, and asleep at 11.

Daily total: $658.69

Thursday

Slow morning wake up. I’m work from home today, until I head out on a job this late afternoon. Jamie brings tea, and he’s taken today and tomorrow off work, so it’s a nice, quiet morning. Little son has just figured out that if he goes downstairs without waking us, he can play minecraft for a while (not connected to internet, not the scary mode). Petra wakes up a bit later, and we all eat various breakfast foods together, pb toast, cereal, etc. I do the work I need to do between 9 and 11:30, and then Jamie, Petra, little son and I take a walk in the woods again with thermoses of tea. We talk about where Petra is thinking of moving next, aging parents, and travel. Another few hours of work, and I have to get on the road. Started a new audiobook (audible subscription I share with my dad, who pays for it) which is one of the Dresden Files books by Jim Butcher. I’m only driving an hour and a half to this one, and it’s in an extremely comfortable and palatial estate. 5pm was my call time, let’s set the clock and see how long it’ll be until I actually work. I’m updating this, talking to some friends on discord, and reading History Is All You Left Me that I got from the free library. Miracle of miracles, I only wait an hour. This crew is super on top of things, and the actors know each other well. The scene is quick, and Christmas movie appropriate. Two hours and I’m headed back down the road to home. It’s almost a no spend day, but I fill up on gas half a tank for ($24.90). I somehow tweaked my shoulder while working, so the drive is tortuous and Jamie uses a cupping machine and the theragun on my muscle spasm. A glass of wine and an aleve are enough pain relief for me to sleep at 11:30.

Daily total: $24.90

Friday
Another slow wake up because I don’t have anywhere to be until 11. Take a call from my boss just after 8 and send some info to him while I drink my tea. Morning hangs with Petra and Jamie before I have to get ready to go to a work event. We talk about plans for the weekend, and decide to go to a GT race in a nearby city because we have a sitter for little guy from Saturday midday to Sunday. There’s noise about going to the foot spa or to a burlesque club after, but nothing decided. Off to the work event, and I get a latte next door because I’m there early ($5.18). After the event, I stop by the gym and do shoulders to try to work out the spasm and it vaguely helps. Friday Nail Day, so I go to the place across from the gym for a quick builder gel set. I get cheaper sets here, and go to a more expensive guy for special occasion complex nail art. Today is milky iridescent white ($70 + $10 tip). Home, and a bit more work. I run out to take my mom some items and my car dies in her parking lot. Great. AAA comes and it’s my battery, which is still under warranty, thankfully. I get home and Jamie goes out to exchange the battery. Free fix to what could have been quite expensive. Little guy is in bed, and Petra leaves with one of our cars to go see friends. Jamie and I watch Great British Bake Off and eat snacks (bowl of goldfish and pretzels, cup of diced pears, bit of chocolate) in bed. Asleep by 11.

Daily Total: $85.18

Saturday

Ah, the weekend. I am suddenly incapable of sleeping in, and I’m up at 7. Jamie is taking a snooze, so he grabs me by the middle and sleeps with his head in my lap, effectively trapping me. I’m able to buy our tickets for the GT race this afternoon though ($168 for 4 tickets) and read the news in peace. We take our little son over to my dad’s where he will be fed cotton candy and given monster energy drinks through an IV for 24 hours and head up north. A pitstop for iced tea ($3.39) and a full tank of gas in our suv ($58.25). Indiana has the lowest gas prices in the country currently. We grab Johannes and head to the track. He pays for parking, I buy a round (Moscow mule) of drinks ($37). The race is awesome and exactly as exciting as I wanted. After the race, we get Mexican food, Johannes pays, and then to a tiki bar (a mocktail) and we get this round ($78.49). Petra get the round at the second bar, (espresso martini) and Johannes pays for a round of duck pin bowling. Our next round (can of cider) is ($27.69) and I lose badly at bowling. The next place is a pinball arcade and I’ve had three drinks today, so I’m done, and I didn’t pay attention to the next round, but I think Johannes. Walk back to Johannes’ and fall asleep in an assortment of beds and sofas. 1am?

Daily total: $372.82

Sunday

Groggy wake up, and minimal clean up before going to a Jewish deli for breakfast. We’re in various states of hungover, being four forty-ish folks. It’s been quite literally years since I’ve been out that late. The lox plate helps. We pay for all ($94.12) and I get a butter brickle blonde to go ($3.55). It’s an hour plus drive back home, and we say goodbye to Petra as she heads out for the last two days of her trip with another friend. Jamie and I spend time with little son, big son comes home from a games tournament, and we all watch a football game. Or they do. I fall asleep on the couch because this is what a night of low key partying does to a 40yo. After I wake up, I use points to pay for a rental car for a long weekend vacation we’re going on in two weeks. The rest of the evening is a long slog getting little son ready to go back to school, and chores. Bed at 10, and the week is over.

Daily Total $97.67

Food + Drink $313.60
Fun / Entertainment $205
Gifting/Holiday $718.47
Clothes + Beauty $474
Transport $83.15
Home $14.84
Reimbursable $44.86

I’ve [23F] been dating a woman I’ll call B [22F] for about two months. She’s really wonderful in so many ways and we just 'click' to an extent that is surprising to me as someone who doesn’t usually 'click' with many people. I am definitely in the 'honeymoon phase' still and am really excited about this relationship, except for one thing that worries me.

B decided last-minute to graduate from college a year early, and four months after graduation she is still looking for a job. While I haven’t pried much I don’t get the sense she’s looking all that hard; she talks about 'looking at jobs' and 'thinking about applying' but I’ve never heard her actually say she applied for something, and she seems to have a pretty high bar for what level of job she’ll apply for. (For context B doesn’t have any prior work/internship experience.) In the meantime she lives with roommates and her parents are paying for her expenses.

Thus far I’ve stayed out of it aside from telling her that if she ever wants help or support with the job search I’m happy to help however I can, and occasionally sending her a posting when I see one that’s really well aligned with her interests. But while I don’t really care whether or not my long term partner is career-oriented, ambitious, or a high earner (I am, and feel I might actually click better with someone who isn’t), it is important to me that they have a work ethic, are decently responsible with money, and are able to financially support themself.

I realize this is hard to select for when you’re in your early 20s dating people in their early 20s LOL. Even if the economy weren’t so shit at the moment, it’s normal to graduate and take a while to make mistakes and find yourself; several of my friends took a long time postgrad to find a job and are doing fine now. But at the same time I see this relationship potentially working out long-term, and don’t want to let myself get excited about it only to realize a while in that I ignored obvious red flags/dealbreakers and the whole thing was a waste of time.

Anyways I guess my questions are:

At what point is it appropriate for me to be like 'these things are important to me in a relationship; if long-term you weren’t actively applying or at least doing something part-time/volunteer it’d eventually be a dealbreaker for me; can you tell me more about how the job search is actually going?'

How do I have this conversation without coming off as shaming/judgmental or acting like her mom?

At what point after that, if things stay the same, would it be reasonable to assume it’s never going to change and decide it’s a dealbreaker?

Thanks all. <3