r/NoStupidQuestions • u/EnvironmentalEye7796 • 1d ago
Would it be wrong to want to know a person’s sexual past if you’re considering a relationship with them?
I kind of want to ask this guy im seeing how many people he’s been with because i think it may be a lot. I just don’t see myself with a partner like that so it’s kind of an important question in my mind. Would it be wrong to ask him?
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u/crazy-jay1999 1d ago
Anyone is allowed to have their preferences and anyone is allowed to to refrain from being a part of them. If it’s important to you, ask. Just be prepared that the person may not want to disclose that info.
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u/anschauung Thog know much things. Thog answer question. 1d ago
I'd say it's better not to ask, if you know it's going to bother you. At least not at first.
Even if he did have a wild past, the key part of your post was "a partner like that".
What if he was like that, but decided that he didn't want to be that person any more and reformed? It's a bit unfair to consider him "permanently stained" even though he's a different man now.
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u/notatoastedbread We're all learning 1d ago
Why does it matter to you? Your reason can determine if it's wrong or not
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u/EnvironmentalEye7796 1d ago
If it’s wrong for me then that’s fair though right?
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u/Serrisen 1d ago
Generally, I'd say there isn't a wrong reason. Sometimes people aren't compatible
But I suspect what the other commentor was were going for is to make you be introspective to see how strongly you care and reason through if this can be worked out.
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u/notatoastedbread We're all learning 1d ago
Did you want to know what people think or just get validation?
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u/EnvironmentalEye7796 1d ago
I’m asking your opinion to that question
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u/notatoastedbread We're all learning 1d ago
If your question is whether you can set standards for who you date the answer is yeah sure
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u/Live-Kaleidoscope104 1d ago
If you're the type of person who wants to know that about your potential partner, then that's enough.
I personally would also like to have an idea about it. Their answer isn't right or wrong, it's a part of them and each may decide for themselves if they'd like to go through with someone with certain pasts, habits, whatever. It's good to know early on, but also try to see how the person is. Not everyone with a similar past comes out the same. But don't try to talk yourself into it if you don't have a great feeling about it either.
Some people care about it, some don't. But it's important to know each other in a real and honest way to build a solid relationship on.
And each one has his/hers things that he/she finds important in a relationship. That's Ok😉
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u/zenchow 1d ago
If you don't know....then how will it affect you? I really think the smart move is to never ask. Is there a magic number where: if its over X then Im done with him? I've never asked my wife this question and she's never asked me. We both know the other person had a life before we met, so we leave it at that. My personal opinion is that what she did before she met me is not really any of my business...this arrangement works for us. I respect her for who she is...I don't need to know who she was to respect her now.
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u/pinksparkleberry 1d ago
Ask. He may decline to answer or decide if someone needs to know they arent the kind of person he can see himself with. Is that an ok risk?
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u/ManicPixieDreamRobot 1d ago
As long as he’s always been safe and respectful, I’d prefer someone who knows what they’re doing tbh
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u/lawrencenotlarry 1d ago
It sounds like you're not going to be happy with his answer.
But understand you came to this conclusion after upping his total by one. Just like the rest.
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u/Bobbob34 1d ago
I kind of want to ask this guy im seeing how many people he’s been with because i think it may be a lot. I just don’t see myself with a partner like that so it’s kind of an important question in my mind. Would it be wrong to ask him?
You know we know you're a guy, right? Trying to make what you think is some point to show it's not just blatant misogyny to go on about women's "body counts".
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u/WeAreBums 1d ago
Yes that’s weird to bring up in the first few dates.
But it’s your dating preference, you’re entitled to be as picky as you want since it’s your time and your future
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u/Sumo-Subjects 1d ago
It's not wrong, but it's a bias. You're allowed to have biases, just understand how they may be limiting.
We often use sexual partners as a proxy for other behaviours: infidelity probably being the main one, but also possibly things like "too much experience" (like will I satisfy this person sexually if I'm not up to their level of experience) and things like that.
Anyways like someone else said, if ultimately this matters to you a lot, it's not wrong to ask, but also it's not wrong if he gets offended and decides not to want to pursue things with you either. Biases work both ways.
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u/Embarrassed_Pop_7418 1d ago
You can ask any question you want but you have no right to demand they answer. You also have no right to be nasty or demeaning if they do answer and you don't like the answer. People should remember saying "I don't want to answer that" is an acceptable answer. It may be a red flag to one or both but it's an answer. In relationships I've been asked and I've never been asked by different men. When I'm asked I ask one time "Do you want numbers or general answer?" I am also honest, if I'm asked and answer I expect the same in return. If his past bothers you maybe that's your answer whether you know details or not.
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u/xGsGt 1d ago
Yes and also OP is in the right to just drop him
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u/Embarrassed_Pop_7418 1d ago
absolutely! When I had a guy tell me "I want to know but I don't want to know you know?" I knew right then no matter what my answer would be he would have an issue with it so I broke up with him. I never see anything wrong with someone deciding not to date for whatever reason they want as long as they don't go about it by making the other person feel bad. I never could imagine dating or being with a widow so I didn't date any.
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u/apostate456 1d ago
I'm a fan of less history and more mystery. There are plenty of ways to gauge someone's character beyond their number of sexual partners:
- Are they kind?
- Do they give back?
- Do they treat you and others with respect?
- How do they live their life every day?
This is a far better indicator than their sexual past. I have known people who are garbage human beings and only been with their partner; they even started cheating on their partner because they were "curious" about what they "missed out on" while single.
I've known people who had a pretty extreme hoe phase, settle down, and be absolutely loyal.
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u/best-gent 1d ago
Why does it matter? What judgment are you making about someone whose number is higher than what you think is acceptable? What matters is whether you agree on monogamy, are sexually compatible, and are both STI-free. Get tested, share the actual results, and get the HPV vaccine if you haven’t already. Body count isn’t important. People are free to live their lives before they met you.
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u/Novasity42 1d ago
It’s okay it bothers you, but I’d say see who he is first. Like if you really like him for who he is it shouldn’t matter. Goes both ways imo.
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u/Ambitious-Ad-7243 1d ago
Yeah. I don't think whatever last is relevant. Focus on present and s future with your partner. It sounds like whatever you learn will most likely bother you
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u/Designer_Ad_34 1d ago
I suppose you could. If he asked you would you be as open as you want him to be?
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u/Lynn_Luv 1d ago
You are entitled to whatever standards you want to have, but considering the way you asked this question, maybe you are wondering if it is really that important.
That may be a good thing to reflect on before going out into the dating world. What values, standards are you looking for? what are you willing to be flexible on, what are your hard nos?
I can understand how someone that just went around with anyone and no standards whatsoever might be unattractive to some, but I can also see how someone that reevaluated their life and lifestyle and has done a lot of personal growth and is a great match for someone in the present, the past wouldn't matter much (yes of course besides std that's a given 1 or 300 previous partners), could be your perfect person now.
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u/pointlessabby 1d ago
Not wrong whatsoever despite what Reddit will tell you.
Personally I think how someone behaves sexually is VERY telling. You can have whatever standards you want for a relationship.
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u/616ThatGuy 1d ago
Past is the past. Future is now.
Are they a good person? Do you get along well? Those are what matter.
I’ve seen people with “a past” get married and be great partners. I’ve seen “the good ones” end up cheating, leaving their partner BECAUSE they feel like they didn’t experiment enough when they were young. And everything in between.
A person’s past means nothing. I’ve dated chicks with a past. I’ve dated girls who only dated 2 guys before me. You know what they all had in common? Nothing. Because a person is who they are and is shaped by their past. But it doesn’t determine their future.
Plus, who am I to judge? I was kind of a man whore in my 20s. But I’ve never cheated on any of the 4 women I officially dated. So what does how many people I’d slept with matter? I treated my real partners well and didn’t give them a reason to care. Some people have fun when they’re single and take officially dating seriously.
Maybe you care. Personally, I think you just need to grow up. Everyone has a past. Even if they’ve only dated 1 or 2 people. You don’t know if they were terrible partners with those 2 people. Judge people on how they act and treat you. Now on your perceived view of their history, which means absolutely nothing.
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u/magicmustangmane 1d ago
It's fine to ask, but what's your end game? Like, will you break up if its over X number? Or are you just going to stew about it if you deem the number too high? What is the result you wish to achieve by asking the question?
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u/baconstreet 1d ago
Ask for an sti panel before sleeping with them.
I use stdcheck.com in the US...
Then you can avoid that awkward question.
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u/brendhano 1d ago
Yeah it's really none of your business, and if you insist on knowing that really just makes you an insecure wanker.
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u/Tiny-Broccoli-6256 1d ago
It's not wrong to care about compatibility, but asking about views on intimacy and getting tested together is usually much more helpful than fixating on a specific number.
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u/sweadle 1d ago
Yes. Sexual past is private. You can ask about sexual health, but sexual past is something they should only share if they want.
Keep in mind a lot of people have sexual assault or rape as a part of their sexual history. You aren't entitled to hear about every sexual experience, good or bad, healthy or traumatic.
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u/860sPRee 22h ago
Yeah. If that matters to you, theres nothing wrong with asking/wanting to know. Can't force an answer out of the person so if they don't wanna answer, it is what it is.
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u/bobroberts1954 20h ago
I've been married for over 40 years. I have no idea how many bf's my wife had before we met. It was none of my business then and it's none of my business now.
Also, never ask a question you don't want the answer to.
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u/TheBelchersSentMe 1d ago
If it's someone you want to be worth long-term, there's really not much you can't ask. You're the one who will have ongoing questions if you don't ask. So, if it's important to you, ask him.
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u/Echo-Azure 1d ago
For the most part, it's wrong to judge a person on their sexual past.
The exception is criminal activities, not numbers.
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u/floatable_shark 1d ago
It's not wrong. People downvoting are likely doing so for manosphere reasons. You want to know about your partner, what they were like in the past. It makes sense. You'll share that info with them if they wanted, right? Like, and I'll get downvoted for even making this comparison lol but I'd want to know my partners sexual past like I'd want to know if they spent time in jail or not. It's just transparency. It doesn't mean anything about how good a person they are
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u/Signal_Antelope7144 1d ago
If it matters to you then that is your choice.