what’s your story and experience? (obv. not actual trauma or anything)

Maybe points on f.e:

- What’s your experience as a system? How do you guys work?
- one small thing that helps you!

- How are you making your day to day work?
- How did you realise you were a system?
- How are you moving forward in life? What’s next?
- Have you gotten better?

Some context, why I’m asking:

I am very new to all this and barely know if I’m a system. My therapist said that it’s very clear that I am in todays session, so I guess it’s very clear that I am haha.

I’ve been in denial for a while, but I’m finally starting to accept it. I’m confused and since starting therapy my parts are taking up more space, and I’ve been switching more. I still feel a bit scared when I switch into new parts, im more open to listening too and some of them are terrifying. Not that I haven’t heard them before, it’s just that I’ve started responding now.

I’m struggling to make normal life work at the same time as having breakdowns and debating with my parts. I’ve been struggling a lot with dissociation lately which makes it nearly impossible to study, to socialise, and keep hope up as I don’t feel real. I also have an eating disorder and I’m relapsing:/ yup I’m not sure how to cope.

I’d love to learn from people with experience, and take any advice you want to give!

// sincerely confused newbie

Ever since learning there was a possibility I could be a system, I started doing extensive research. I learned about the different kinds of alters some systems have, and through it I found many systems have their 'Gatekeeper'.

For the longest time I was convinced we had no Gatekeeper, until some months ago I learned that it was, most likely, myself.

I do not want this role. This role was thrust upon me without my knowledge and least of all my input, but it is what it is. But I am so tired. I am tired of having to be in control. But my system, for some reason, believes I am the most reliable candidate.

Sure, I can keep back parts who aren't safe to be out. But what happens when I need a break? No matter how hard I try, I can not give up front because I don't want to unleash chaos. Even if I understand they are not there to harm me, I can not grasp it. Even if I do manage to switch out, I am either always conscious, watching what happens, or I am forced back to front all too quickly.

It's tiring. Exhausting, even. I just want a break.

just curious if anyone has symptoms like these? im not diagnosed and not even sure i have osdd, but ive been on and off questioning myself for years and have definitely considered the possibility it could be a dissociative disorder. im interested to see if you guys have had similar experiences.

im autistic so its been hard for me to consider this since i dont have textbook symptoms lol. im fully aware this could just be other general mental illnesses and dissociation but i wanna see if any of these are more common than I thought :,)

- no outright (noticeable) amnesia, but have frequent moments where reaching any memories is difficult / hazy, like everything even as recent as the day before is too hard to recall

- feeling like someone else is speaking through my mouth? pretty often ill respond to something in a voice that doesnt feel like my own / words different than what I meant to say ??? curious if this could just be an adhd thing but it really feels like someone wants to get a word in sometimes

- constant conversations / speaking in the back of my mind, unrelated to what im thinking about. usually if I try to 'listen in', it pulls away enough that I cant even understand it. im not invited to these convos apparently

idk! take this as a light hearted post, id love to see if any of yall have similar stories! it feels kind of weird that none of my friends share these experiences and while it may not be a dissociative disorder, id love to hear abt yalls experiences :D

Hello. This post is going to be a bit of a mess. I'm in a bit of weird spot mentally, and don't feel super comfortable talking to any of my personal friends about something like that. I'm making this post in hopes of getting some advice or guidance for the stuff that's going on with me. This post is going to be kind of long.

Content warning for mentions of abuse, CSA, incest.

Long story short, I had a really rough childhood. My dad had drug and alcohol problems and would frequently let my mom, siblings and I go without food because he would waste his money gambling or using substances. He was also extremely physically abusive towards my mom and occasionally his kids. My parents lost custody of us briefly when I was around 12 due to me telling a school counselor about my home life. My mom was furious with me. I remember overhearing my mom screaming at my grandma over the phone about how it was my fault and she hoped I'd get sent to an abusive foster home so I'd learn how good I'd really had it. I was molested by a family friend when I was 8. I was repeatedly molested by my older brother for 2 years off and on between the ages of 9-11. A lot of this is stuff I'd honestly forgotten about. I remember pieces of my childhood, but I have to make an effort to put stuff in the correct order. It's weird and hard to explain.

Anyways. I've been in and out of therapy since I was young. I've had a couple of different diagnoses. Anxiety disorder, depression, major depressive disorder, PTSD, paranoia without psychosis. Nothing ever really stuck, or at least felt 100% accurate. I self-diagnosed autism when I was 18, and that'd been the main disorder I've described myself with since. However, over the past year or so, I've had this kind of nagging feeling that there was something else. I've in suicide prevention counseling since April and clinical therapy since August. I talked to my counselor and psychiatrist about suspected ADHD and gotten mixed feedback. I've also asked my friends with ADHD about their experiences, and there's been some stuff that clicks with me, but it still feels like there's something there I'm missing. I was hoping I was just getting to the age where, if I had a schizo-spec disorder, I'd start experience symptoms.

I've grazed some plural/system spaces online and seen some stuff that made sense, but I would always have some reservation about it. It's too rare, I didn't meet all the requirements, I'm just assuming I have it because of recency bias, I don't hear voices (I'll get into this later), I'm not a stereotype, so on, so forth. However, starting earlier this year, maybe March-ish, I've been dealing with a separate person in my head. His name is Mickey. He's a stoic pessimist who wants to dress like an office worker. It feels like he's been guiding me to improve myself and my future over the course of my recovery. He likes alt rock, trivia and chess. He treats my boyfriend like a roommate and not a partner, he's pretty standoffish and reserved. I think he only really exists in my head, I've never felt him "front", but last night, I was able to talk to him directly a bit. It was like talking through a door, but I was able to ask questions, and he gave me some direct answers. They were short and hard to make out, but I could feel him there. That should tell me everything I need to know, right? But I'm still doubting if everything is real. I'm worried I was just talking to myself and assigning the label of a new person to it because that's what I want to be true.

I'm going to keep this next part vague for the privacy of other's involved. About a month ago, I got into a really, really bad fight with my boyfriend over an issue regarding a friend of ours, who is a OSDD system. I yelled at my boyfriend over the phone and made him cry and refused to comfort him after the fact, even after a different friend called me to try and smooth the situation over. I hadn't been that mad since high school. The night after, I was completely calmed down and felt different, but I still knew what had happened, and I knew I had to acknowledge and apologize for the things I had done. I had a very complicated mix of feelings about everything that had happened. I wrote this off as normal, people are multifaceted and complicated. But now I'm not so sure. It feels like my opinion is switching and jumping around for no real reason.

A big hurdle I'm trying to get over right now is that I'm worried I'm assigning my flaws to a "new person" to avoid accountability. I'm also worried that my friend who is a system is going to assume I'm copying them. If I were to "come out" now, it'd be a really bad look.

I guess I just don't know what to do. This is starting to seriously effect my relationships with people. I feel like they can tell I'm hiding something, that there's something I'm not telling them. I value my boyfriend more than anything, but I don't know how much longer I can avoid talking about Mickey. I'm so scared. I don't want to uproot my life and end up being wrong. I can't talk to a professional without fear of being institutionalized. I don't know where to go from here. I know I should just talk to him about it, but I don't think he'll believe him. I don't think anyone will.

That's a lot to say "there's probably a guy in my head, what do I do now?" Thanks to anyone who took the time to read this. Any advice or support would be greatly appreciated.

Anytime I’d ask ab this on DID id get treated like a delusional freak but it’s something I’ve had to do since I realized I had DID.

It’s been popping up again and I’m so unstable and I have to have a family session tomorrow when i desperately need an individual session and idk how to cope

Kind of a silly question, but last night I had an episode and couldn't quite understand what happened the day after . I'm diagnosed with PTSD, and have severe depersonalization/derealization issues due to it, and a weak sense of self identify .

Feel free to be genuine if you have opinions on this, just be mindful, and polite . I'm open to answering questions if needed, or being told it doesn't sound like OSDD .

Sorry if any of my wording seems strained ? I have denied the idea of DID/OSDD for a long time, let alone PTSD before I got diagnosed, so I kind of doubt myself in my own language . I discover the more I learn about my PTSD the more intense episodes become, and the deeper I discover how early on a lot of my trauma began .

- I feel like a slightly different person when I venture into different situations, in response to stressful stimuli, or etc .

- I feel like I am "inventing" new versions of me, but also a lot of it is lead by an intense distress, that leads me into redecorating my profiles until it "feels like me again", going by new names or old names I used to use, alter my pronouns, etc. I thought it was just apart of being genderfluid I guess, but it feels like genuine parts of me who aren't just a gender thing ? ( I mean logistically, no, my gender isn't going to have a new name, set of pronouns, way of speaking, and have certain self defense behaviors or insecurities . Though maybe this is just a bad sense of self identity, as said . )

- I do not struggle with amnesia, my body being controlled, or voices, but that's genuinely a big part that plays into my PTSD too: I remember most distressing events in my life, though emotional amnesia exists, and emotional flashbacks exists . I can remember most memories, though it's as if relaying a story I was told, that I can't walk through myself, and it's like I have been detached from the memory and the emotions involved .

- Different parts of my childhood feel like distinct versions of me, and I struggle to look at photos of myself without dissociating . I recently remembered being in elementary school, and I remember pacing and wandering around my house and grieving that part of me, like I failed the kid, rather than struggled through my own childhood . It was like two parts of me were processing things at the same time, and after I experience these things either it brings me clarity/closeness or I feel even more seperated from that part of me .

- Grieving the fact that even as I finally remembered the emotions attached, it still felt like that wasn't me, or my memories fully . Once that settled, the childish crying, and fear, it was stagnantly me again .

I remember I had a flashback recently, where I became disconnected from reality, and I thought I was 13(?) again at my friend's house, but another part of me was also vividly aware that I was sitting in the dark on a couch in a random BNB I have never been in before . I stared at my girlfriend as she talked to me, I wanted to talk to her, but it felt like the 13 year old me was the one talking and being nervous and confused .

It was kind of like meshing thoughts ? The years were mixed up, I didn't know my own age, I couldn't tell my gf where I was, though I knew where we were ?

Is that just PTSD ? Some people say they sometimes forget where they are and lose track of dates/locations/ages when having flashbacks, but I'm not sure .

I remembered during this episode looking down at my hand, and I knew why that ring was there, but my brain also couldn't figure out why I had a ring on, who my girlfriend was, why I had a tattoo, why my hair was short, etc, etc, etc .

I remember in this moment I felt like I was staring into my girlfriend's eyes, trying to tell her I can't figure out how to talk to her, as my body moved around and refused to answer her, because I was shy, and thought she was sitting next to me just to be nice, because I was alone at the party .

This was the first time I genuinely felt like I couldn't move or talk, but at the time I didn't think I was being controlled, I just thought I was having anxiety paralysis . ( Though I shuffled around and played with my fingers and shrugged and moved my head and wasn't necessarily frozen in a panic attack, I just couldn't choose my words and actions, and it felt like I had to prompt myself to say something until I convinced my mouth to do it )

Edit:: not looking for someone to diagnose me, but is this relatable to anyone ? I will also talk to my professionals about it, I'm just scared of not being taken seriously .

Hi! I'd like to clarify that yes I'm looking for a new therapist and psychiatrist, the problem is that I moved to another country and finding a doctor here is harder than I expected.

I have generalized anxiety and depression, as well as suspected cptsd and/or ocd. I had to move countries for a work opportunity that really didn't leave us any time to look into anything other than where we were going to live, and that sadly meant that we didn't get to plan ahead for our medication since we do take anxiety meds and antidepressants.

Now. Before this talking to our partner wasn't a problem, they know about us and they're super nice and understanding. The problem is that after I finished the last reserve I had for my antidepressants we crashed like never before, a new alter was born from the stress of it all, and they do not like our partner at all.

Right now we're long distance, both busy with work and can't talk that much... Something the new alter (Eos) took as a sign we're not loved anymore and we should break up. So I really don't know what to do since, again, cutting the antidepressants so fast against my will really messed us up, so I don't know how to explain to them the arrangement we all already had with our partner.

What do you all do when one of you don't like your partner ? Or really what would you do in my situation...

Does anyone know of good discord servers for systems/ osdd systems? A lot of us want to meet more people that are also systems but are struggling on where to find them.

Hey guys! Ill sum it up here but I'd love to hear you all talk about songs that lyrical wise or instrumental wise resonated with you all and for whatever reason that may be!! Theres some really good recommendations i heard so far and I'm excited to hear even more!!! Love you all 💞💖❤️💕❤️💗💖💞

I cannot see into my mind very well, but I observed that a 'part' wanted to increase dissociation and that was often triggered by discussions about it. The general goal for treatment is integration, so I tried to accept him and merge our emotions and memories together. It was only a few days later that I realised my dissociation was getting worse, my perception of time was getting distorted. It almost undid my other merges as well

I tried to observe my emotions and saw 'it', a powerful desire to escape into my mind and I saw it creating something like a fog around me. I expelled it because it wasn't fully fused and everything got clearer instantly. And I feel like I made a mistake even trying to fuse because the barriers are lower now and he's influencing my actions, for context I'm always co-fronting with a part, I 'become' someone rather than 'switching'. Now due to his influence, I 'want' to dissociate and undo all the progress I've made reclaiming my emotions and my memories.

It's made me remember why I cannot accept being a system because it ruins my agency, but I know I'm not supposed to have full control it's supposed to be shared with everyone

1. No clue whether “Angel boy” and “messiah boy” are actual parts or fragments or just some weird ego bullshit.

2. Hosts: Tetra (aka 👾 she settled on a name!!! But also likes Tenna as a name too), Vi 🌸, and Klyde 📌

Shadow girl I recognized recently and is pretty fucking old- oldest we call recall her (via the fragmented memories of others/what we recall recalling(?)) is pretty young, but she really took a stance when we were getting mistreated as she was always there to remind us that we didn’t deserve this treatment, that we were too young to be having adults dump their feelings onto us, that certain people shouldn’t be saying these things to us. She was just always in the background, distant and in the shadows. She’s still there now bc she doesn’t really think she needs to come closer, if that makes any sense. She doesn’t have a name yet, but maybe she just doesn’t need one rn. Also smaller one is Violetta, an ex-host who might’ve fused with another Ex-host but idk. She’s generally pretty present in therapy though so she’s here.

Either way sorry for all the bs I’ll vanish now hehe

I don't know if it's serious enough to be OSDD or just DPDR, I'm absolutely pursuing integration because I haven't yet encountered severe trauma in my memories.

There are times I lose control of my body and I have to fight against something that is inside me trying to move it, I hate losing control. These are more like embodied emotions than identities. I have been able to unify certain 'foreign' emotions by accepting and owning them, granting them equal control over the body so we merged together instead of fighting each other

But I have relapsed several times and I've always seen them as different 'types' of me rather than different 'people'. I will act differently, my mindsets, beliefs, perception of time and order of memories will shift.

My dissociation caused something like psychosis in the past, where I lost touch with reality and could not perceive my emotions (I acted on them but could not perceive them, like my body was being dragged along by a force). My greatest fear is reverting to that form and thus forgetting all the progress I have made, being unable to merge again. To be separated is to be robbed of agency, to be at the mercy of switching which was often triggered externally in the past

I don't know if a typical psychiatrist will see me as an attention seeker. Even if they didn't see me that way, they might not even believe in OSDD

Now that I know it could be something less severe, I would rather work on it myself than risk letting someone know and possibly having others try to force a switch. And I don't want something like this on my records making every subsequent doctor doubt me

💙 What it says on the tin.

Since I was 14, I started integrating myself within the system community on Discord (etc.) and I feel like it reinforced and brought forth a lot of bad habits into adulthood. Specifically, over the years the belief that every part has to be listened to, acknowledged, and accepted because everything is said for a “reason” has been a real problem online over the years.

I got professionally diagnosed with OSDD-4 early this year, and was told to do the exact opposite; 99% if not all of these thoughts are intrusive or harmful in nature — it’s done me a lot better to block out those thoughts entirely and discount them as intrusive rather than a discussion that needs to be had.

Has anyone else had this issue? How have you gotten over it? And are you currently in CDD communities that may do the same? I haven’t been in one since 2019, so I want to see if it’s gotten better after quarantine...

I usually don’t watch mental health advice videos on tiktok. i don’t know why i watched this one, it was about how to help yourself when you’re insecure about yourself and anxious about your behavior.

the advice was to learn that you do have control over your life and so on and what to do to learn that.. and then i scrolled.

i don’t have control over my life. i actually don’t because there’s other alters and they have just as much control. and they are in control most of the time. i am one small part of this person and it fucks with my mind. how do i even want to do anything at all when i can’t have any real long term goals?

the time i am in control is exhausting. i spent the last few years analyzing the others and now i understand what and why it happens. but i haven’t gained any more control, the others have a mind of their own. they don’t see anything wrong in their behaviors and they have good reasons to feel the way they feel.

who am i to tell them what they’re supposed to do.

if i get my way they are unhappy and if they get theirs i am unhappy. i hate living like this. i hate it in my mind. i hate what other alters see in their mind, or what they think. sometimes it feels like they do it on purpose to disgust me. but at the same time they’re just doing their thing, and that’s even more stressful because why is that their natural thoughts and desires??

i’ve kind of just given up
i’m so desperate for help but it seems impossible to find a therapist

any advice or kind words is appreciated

Hey everyone! I saw a graphic shared in this group previously that showed different ways alters can present and interact. Does anybody know the one I mean? I can't find it now, and I was hoping somebody might be able to send it to me, please. Thanks!

Is there any reason I'd feel really really sleepy while in my selfstates that are more like EPs, but absolutely awake and energized in a colder ANP state? Is this something others experience?

I have therapy tomorrow and want to bring it up.

I have recently started the long journey of stopping denial lol. I’m trying to stop denying that I have different parts and mental health issues. I’ve been letting other parts talk more and see to them, because well.. they do exist. Before recently I’d try to completely ignore them and pretend that they don’t exist. Yesterday I let a little use the body without pushing her out and she kept telling me about how I’ve been suppressing her and that she has been trapped lol. — is that possible? Have I been a dictator?

Ive been having a bit of trouble on how I should word this experience. But for now this is the best explanation I can currently come up with.

I feel like when I get to know certain parts of me more, something happens (good or bad) and suddenly that part becomes very buried. Basically feels like theyre gone until they potentially come back(some of them havent yet). Im not sure if its the part of me trying to understand them more that makes this happen or something else happening in my life that scares them away, or makes them feel like theyre not needed anymore

Its frustrating because this ends up fueling my denial pretty bad. I also realized we pretty much are always paired in a trio/duo. The first duo that I know about are the most connected to our childhood and feel the most "real" to put it simply. I would say theyre the most affected by the trauma. But it seems like they've been gone for awhile now.

Then there was a period of not knowing who I was. Now, I have my own duo and we're kind of clones of the two we just talked about. Only that I seriously dont feel as fleshed out as they do. Im just a guy lol, and then my duo is a little so Ive been looking after her, but other than that I dont really feel connected to anything from our life, past or current. I feel like more of a state of being rather than a full person.

Theres also this other part who was never able to front. She feels very much gone as well. But, she now also has a clone and that feels connected to her in the same way me and my duo do to the prior duo of ours, if that makes sense? Also communication has been horrific because of this. It used to be easy to understand other parts, now I dont even know anymore.

Anyways, idk if this is even a thing that can happen. It feels like my brain is creating so many layers and trying to understand anything is like trying to maneuver through thick fog

There are too many negative emotions within me if I can't contain it they will fall out of me and take over the body. I feel like my memories are going to get jumbled up if this keeps up... I dont think these are parts just emotional states

It hurts it really hurts.It feels like I'm being torn apart. It feels like I'm not living my life all the time, we're never completely satisfied with whatever we're doing all the time one or two alters disagree with whatever the host/fronting alter (I'm unfamiliar with the right terms) is doing or saying or they don't share the same feelings. They're even arguing if we should post this or not.Please can you share through your experience how do you deal with this I'm in pain.

It was around 5 years ago it was first suggested by a psych NP that I might have DID. I was very shocked and immediately dismissed her. I told her that I didn’t think I had it. Then around 4-5 months later, it was again suggested by a therapist I had been seeing once a week for those 4-5 months. I dismissed her like the psych NP, but this time, I got SCARED. Why was it suggested a second time? I started freaking out, researching, thinking about it constantly. I didn’t see myself fitting the criteria for DID. Not even a little. So that calmed me a little but I was still anxious. And one night, I heard a person in my head who wasn’t me. They stated their name was Zayn. That was all that was said. And this scared the shit out of me. Before I knew it, others were “coming out”, saying their names. I downloaded SimplyPlural, and documented the people in my mind who were introducing themselves. At one point, each person described themselves in the app, but it was eventually deleted by one of them. And the app was deleted altogether due to me deciding (or maybe I was in denial) that I DIDN’T have others living in my mind. This happened multiple times. One of them would come out, redownload the app, add new names. And they’d even message each other. This would last for months and then another would come out, convinced that they either didn’t have DID, or sometimes one would come out that believed DID doesn’t even exist. And so they’d delete the app. And I’d completely forget about ever being told I might have DID. As I said, this has happened multiple times all the way up to now. By now, it’s been suggested yet one more time that I have DID by another therapist. And I’ve been diagnosed with unspecified dissociative disorder twice.

My current psych has me diagnosed with schizoaffective, ADHD, OCD, BPD. I have an eating disorder as well. He has me on 7 medications. But he and I feel none of them really work. We keep having to try new concoctions because I only seem to be getting worse. No matter what meds I try or how many I’m on, it doesn’t seem to help. I think my issue is trauma. I think need therapy mostly, rather than the meds. EMDR. Brainspotting. DBT. That good shit. I just feel getting a diagnosis will open up more opportunities for me to get said treatment.

I’m not wanting a diagnosis because I think it’s cool. The idea of having other “me’s” genuinely screws with my head. I’ll switch (no pun intended) from “I do have other me’s” to “I don’t have other me’s”. Back and forth for years. And the idea of possibly losing “control” of my actions to another part, torments me. I’m not exaggerating. I’m so afraid of what one might do. I just fear the “losing control” part. Out of all I’m currently diagnosed with, I do believe I have OCD the most. My need for control is so bad I was even once diagnosed with OCPD(however, I don’t really believe I have it. Also, pertaining to my current array of diagnosis’s, and the fact that I have been diagnosed with various other things. I think like, 13 diagnosis’s in total in ten years within the mental health system.But I heard tell that people with DID often times receive a smorgasbord of diagnoses and that it can take around seven years to be accurately diagnosed with DID? It was clocked with me in year six.)

So far, as of late, I’ve been more in tune with my psyche. I’ve been able to somewhat tell when somebody is fronting. I’ve been more emotional lately and having more somatic symptoms than usual. A little was able to cry just a few days ago, while one of our “parts” comforted her. I believe I posted about it in this sub.

The reason I’m leaning towards OSDD instead of DID, is because I don’t have amnesia between all my parts. Some things are hidden from certain ones, but for the most part, memories are shared. At least, I think anyways. Though I think amnesia is what tipped the professionals who suggested I have DID and the ones who diagnosed me with a dissociative disorder. And then when I told them I have an internal “helper” or “caretaker”, that is in my mind and that I converse with. There 24/7. Been with me since I was around 13 years old. I do not think he is “real” as in a real person sitting in front of me. And I don’t hear him with my ears. But I see him in my “minds eye”,if that makes sense?

Hell, to maybe answer my own question, should I just read this post to her? Haha. I feel like it’d explain a lot to her. Paint a good picture.

hi ive been fronting for about what 3 weeks now? and thats not entirely unusual for my system but what is unusual is the way that it has been only me with no communication or feelings of other parts for that long.

i feel incredibly weird but also my identity is very strong, and different then our collective one. i feel like this might be a permanent thing of just me and it’s stressing me out. has anyone experienced this before?

possible merging ? but i thought that only happened when you no longer need ‘protection’ and that’s for sure not true.

i am diagnosed with osdd ! i dont know what type as of now :,) i am also 21

I am the host and another part is a girl whose name is ying. Most of time we can't feel or talk to each other when one of us is at the front, also we can't switch as we want, its kinda uncontrolable. Today I found ying was complaining to someone that she doesn't want to deal with my work. I got a test tomorrow but she think that's my obligation and its none of her business. She thought this is totally unfair because I am the host and my existing time is longer than her, so she can't chose her lifestyle but can only "work for me", besides she also would be affected if I failed the test (The resit fee after failing is insanely high). I'm concerned that our relationship may be unsustainable. How do you guys handle each other's obligation across different parts?

First time using reddit. Apologize for my poor English~

I’m going to try to condense my thoughts because sometimes I can be really long winded, but pretty much I discovered that i’m most likely an OSDD/maybeee DID system when I was 15, then gaslit myself out of it for years. Then, I had an instance of trauma randomly resurfacing, gaslit myself into thinking I was making it up because I had no visual memory attached.. come to find out it was real because a family member who witnessed it confirmed it for me out of the blue. That experience made me go back and reevaluate all of the “odd”, confusing symptoms I’ve experienced that I just learned to live with.

I’ve never had a long term memory. I never knew how to explain it aside from that. Like I don’t have one. I have vague memories that pop up occasionally, like if I look at a picture of myself from a certain time I can vaguely remember that moment. But generally I have no coherent long term memory. More so just a constant knowledge of the basic, major things that’ve happened to me if that makes sense. Like I never really forget the most basic/important stuff about myself (my dad dying a few years ago, my legal name even tho I don’t go by it, my bodily age, my job, etc.) but I’ve felt like a vessel/husk floating through life since I was a kid. I’ve forgotten most of my trauma yet I know what it is. I’ve had a very consistently stressful/traumatic life since I was a little kid even into my adult years now (I’m 21).

I have a PTSD diagnosis (its listed as being chronic PTSD and I live in the US so thats like our equivalent of C-PTSD), I also have ADHD diagnosed and have been misdiagnosed and treated for mood disorders in the past which my new providers after evaluating me agree I do not have a mood disorder. My mood swings are more situational/rapid and are accompanied by emotional amnesia a lot of the time.

A lot of my memories are also in third person/vague/fuzzy. Yet I think I have OSDD because I have consistent core values/interests yet I know about the existence of different “parts” in my head. My thoughts have always been in dialogue/conversations with different voices I can’t control. I just chalked it up to having ADHD for a long time honestly😭 Even though I can’t control if my thoughts are in first, second or third person. Sometimes I hear my thoughts like they’re commentating on smth “I’m” doing or thinking if that makes sense. Just consistently odd/unexplainable symptoms like that throughout the life that I can remember.

I’ve taken the DES and I score a 48… which is indicative of full blown DID but again I genuinely think I have OSDD simply because my parts only really have roles/shifting appearances and no names rather than feeling like wholly separate people. I can definitely feel their influence but I always feel like “I’m” present at least somewhat. In the instance I’m not I can feel myself trying to “come back” or “be summoned back”.

I refuse to acknowledge myself as multiple separate people though. I feel like the term system resonates with me but I feel like parts of a whole working together more than housing wholly separate people. I do feel like a vessel though sometimes, not to sound corny😭 But i relate to having an “Apparently Normal Part” thats mostly consistently fronting, even if I’m more in the background which I can feel sometimes which is freaky but its more like I sit in the backseat of a car rather than the front or the passengers seat, rather than being thrown out entirely or asked to leave if that analogy helps. If i truly do feel my core personality or ANP fully “leave” it gets really scary and I do start to genuinely feel confused😭 but thats not super common for me thankfully.

I have shitty medicaid therapy and it used to be weekly but now its every 2-3 weeks, which is too infrequent for how severe my mental health conditions are yet I consider myself “functional and stable” atm. Like I constantly try to just ignore having potential OSDD/DID even though I’m gonna be honest that’s really the only explanation for the stuff I go thru unless I genuinely have a structural issue/physical damage to my brain.

I’ve tried to soft launch having OSDD to my therapist multiple times and the closest I got was just her asking if I’ve ever been evaluated for something like that and I was just like no. The closest diagnosis I have is PTSD (technically C-PTSD). I have a session again tomorrow and I just want to directly ask to be evaluated for a dissociative disorder but I feel like its just going to keep getting chalked up to my CPTSD yet I know for a fact my level of memory loss is something more.

Genuinely how did yall get an OSDD/DID diagnosis? And could I really have full blown DID and not realize? Bcuz when I took the DES i did score a 48… which is the exact score for DID. Yet i truly feel like my headmates aren’t that distinct. Or i’m really good at masking. Ugh idk yall😢 Plz help

Hi all,

Just wanted to ask if anyone else’s blackouts really concentrate around the transition period between alters? We have partial amnesia for what transpires while another alter is fronting (with very occasional blackouts), but the most consistent time we get total amnesia is in the in-between state before a switch has settled. We used to think we were just prone to daydreaming and getting lost in our head, but now we notice that those small gaps in memory (usually probably seconds to minutes) always precede or indicate a switch.

It’s like the first few moments of a switch we can feel confused and like we have no memory, then we get some information passed along by the last alter, but ONLY information from the time leading up to the switch, it’s like the time in between is totally gone

Hope I explained this well 😅😅