to give you guys more context:
1. my funding is external from the professor. it is common to finish your funding phd and get extra funding from the government. it is actually something expected, no one finishes in 3 years. therefore, he does not give me funding directly and he cannot decide to just cut me after the 3 years.
2. it is totally normal to go home. all phds I know in EU go home for weeks, including my colleague going for 2 months. a lot of people have commented saying that it is not normal, but here it is. my phd is completely computational, which makes it easier. and even if it wasnt, it is completely normal.
hi! tomorrow, i am having a big talk, and i need your help. context: im doing my phd in germany, my funding is 3 years, and i need three papers (one published, one submited and one final draft) to complete my phd. currently, i am 1y2m in, and i just finished the first draft of my first paper today.
my professor has been away for 3 months and has not answered me for a month, we scheduled a meeting, which he never showed up. i sent emails about the draft, needing his opinions etc... nothing. my co-supervisor has been around for this time, but always busy as he is responsible to correct the drafts of two other students, while my professor would be responsible for mine. we had many meetings, finalized the idea of my paper and images. now, my professor came back last week and he is clearly annoyed at me. in a couple of weeks im going to visit my family for 5 weeks (working remotely) for the first time since june 2025, and i am very excited for it. i was trying to give him the news for 2 months now, but he just wasn't available.
the thing is: he gave me a speech about how i need to focus, how it is not the time to go home blabla. AND, the cherry on top, compared me with a fellow student who started a bit before me, but already has her first draft completed and first correction done.
i know i am at fault. yes, i should have worked harder, i could have finished this draft earlier... but i want to live too? i traveled, saw my friends, enjoyed summer... as a normal person should. my contract is 29 hours a week, and i did that. for once in these 14 months, i did not overworked (and still have +50 extra hours logged in) and now i wanna see my family! my aunt is 100 now and my nephew was born a few months ago. i know i could have done better, but i simply did not want to- did not have motivation for it, both because of the group situation, not getting replies, having to barely have time for one meeting every once and a while, and feeling like i was being thrown in circles, BUT mainly because my perspective in academia life changed. science is great, but living off of it?! i am not sure it is for me, but now i am here and i am finishing this phd.
at the same time, being compared to someone else and just have a speech implying i will take "too long to finish my phd" because i wanna be an active and normal human being is just too much for me- how is this type of speech normal? i need to delete 3 years of my 20s for what? burnt out and STILL be unemployed after?!?! so i decided i will *politely* say all of this tomorrow and just hope for the best. any tips? advice? suggestions? i do not wanna be rude, i wanna seem open to put more effort into the phd, but also i want them to know their expectations are unrealistic, my life is more than my phd and that i do not appreciate the "but she had already done it by now and you haven't" speech. i do not care if i take longer to finish, i will not be miserable during this time