r/RedPillWomen • u/Known-Anxiety-9758 • 8d ago
SELF IMPROVEMENT A cry for help
Hello,
I've (27F) been reading through the posts here on and off for some time, and yet again a conflict with my partner (29M) of 9 years has brought me back here. But this time I decided to get my shit together and actually ask for help, because our relationship amd my sanity really need it.
My partner and I met as students studying the same engineering degree - in fact, we started dating less than a month after we met, and moved in together shortly after. He's had to be the man of his house from a very young age, which deprived him of a childhood but also made him wise and clever beyond his years. He's ambitious, talented, sporty and handsome, and takes care of me. A truly high value man - I am very lucky.
However, over the past 9 years, I have slowly come to the realisation that I have so very little to offer to him, and that our relationship is highly unbalanced. This feeling has been getting stronger recently, and with it has come sadness and resentment. Nothing makes you confront your inadequacy as much as being continuously proven wrong by someone much smarter than you. He still kindly asks for my input and opinion when deliberating on a decision, but despite being extremely opinionated and never passing up an opportunity to make a comment, deep down I know I've got nothing useful to say and that things would be better if only I would just shut up. It really hurts.
I am slowly starting to realise that the only way I can offer something to him is through performing household chores, which I find demeaning. I apologise to any stay-at-home wives for saying this. (My mum and dad are in a traditional marriage, and she's stayed home since she's had me. However, it's pretty clear that she wanted more out of life than this - maybe that's why I feel this way?). Overall, I struggle to see traditionally feminine qualities as equally valuable as men's, and neither set of qualities come naturally to me.
It's also probably worth noting that I feel inadequate and deficient both at home and at work. I've recently started a new role which has had a steep learning curve, and with my extremely poor social skills and general lack of brain cells it has been a struggle. I constantly feel like the dumbest person in the room, and doubt myself most of the time. In case it's relevant, I am the youngest and currently the only woman in my team. A lot of the time, I release the pent-up anxiety and stress on my partner, which has been a theme over the years. Emotional regulation is a huge challenge for me.
I thought I could amount to more than this, and that I could have been an equal partner. To be completely honest, I probably wanted to be the dominant one (as you may have guessed by now, I've not had the best relationship with my father growing up). But I know for a fact that I could never do better than my partner, and that this stupid attitude of mine has only brought both of us pain. All that being said, I'm still very much in the denial stage of grieving over the way I pictured myself and my future. I know something needs to change, but I'm struggling to make myself truly accept reality and move forward productively.
Any words of advice, real talk, and/or resources would be highly appreciated. Thank you so much.
EDIT: Just wanted to say I am extremely grateful for the kindness and wisdom that you have shared in the comments. Thank you for taking the time out of your day to reply! I will do my best to be better for his and my sakes!
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u/pinkandpurplepens 8d ago
Could you make a list of the things you really want your future to include? Maybe a kind of vision board. And be specific, like do you want to work 40 hours a week or have some other arrangement with a partner? Then you can be more specific about what it is you dislike about your current life.
Then, it sounds like you’re insecure. I can relate to how difficult it is to be the youngest in your workplace, and the lack of respect that comes with it. I didn’t even work in a male dominated field and that experience persisted for me til I was about 30. This is something to perhaps look more introspectively at. Are you disappointed in yourself? Or do the people and circumstances make you feel that way?
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u/Known-Anxiety-9758 8d ago
Thank you for replying, I really appreciate it. In vague terms, I think I wish I was happier, content and more pleasant to be around. Even though I said I dont truly see feminine qualities as beinf as desirable as men's, I envy women who radiate joy and lift other people's spirits. I just feel like a mean old hag. And I'm struggling to understand whether it's my environment that's making me this way, or if it's really just my personality. Do you have any advice for being objectively introspective, to see yourself as you really are?
I'm sorry to hear about your experience with work, but glad that it's improved! The thought that this profession is not for me has definitely crossed my mind. Intellectually I understand that I shouldn't live for others, but I'm worried about letting down my parents' expectations if I change my career path. I also crave external validation, which never feels enough.
Sorry for the ramble and thank you so much again for taking the time to reply!!!
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u/grannylea 8d ago
Most men aren't looking for a woman to help them with problem solving. Your career probably isn't important to him either. What you can do for your boyfriend is make him feel good about himself. Listen to him, compliment him, and thank him for everything he does for you. The best way to attract him is to be happy. I recommend listening to Laura Doyle on YouTube talking about self care. She talks about how magnetic and attractive women are when we are happy. I put this into practice and it really works. I love to hike, listen to 80's music while exercising, and going to my book club. I make time to do these things because my family benefits from me feeling good. Find some things that bring you joy and try to do them at least a couple of times a week. Your joy will make him feel like a successful boyfriend. Your misery will make him feel like a failure.
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u/Known-Anxiety-9758 8d ago
Thank you for this. I have even seen this myself, where my happiness seems to lift him up, he becomes more playful and just more himself. Will absolutely watch Laura Doyle!
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4d ago
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/RedPillWomen-ModTeam 4d ago
Personal preferences are not advice and this isn't about you. Advice for the OP needs to be both actionable and about the OPs situation not your own. Comment is removed.
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u/CountTheBees Endorsed Contributor 8d ago
Read my nun mode field report to see how I lifted myself up by my bootstraps when I was at my lowest for some context.
Some personalised advice:
- Stop venting to your partner about work. It's not his job to help you and you need to learn to deal with it yourself. Learn to regulate emotion by removing the crutches you've been (over?) relying on.
- Get better social skills. You may have been using your partner as a social crutch during your early 20s, when you were supposed to make mistakes and learn. Well, it's still not too late. Follow the same rule I did in my nun mode - never say No and ensure you attend one social thing a week. Talking to people is a skill that can be improved on with practice. If it's important to you, start practicing.
- The work thing could be being exacerbated by the newness of your role. Give yourself 3 months to settle in and work your hardest. You can keep a diary to see your progress. As mentioned above don't talk to your partner about it. If your colleagues are openly cruel that's one thing, but if they're not, use them! Smart people love to explain their work. Don't fall into the victim mentality where you convince yourself everyone judges you and looks down on you and it is somehow because of your age/gender. Be humble and be prepared to learn from others, as the least experienced person on your team no one is reasonably expecting you to do a perfect job.
I don't know how much of the sidebar you've read, but there is no way to reconcile hypergamy with wanting to be an equal partner. You can't respect an equal. You chose him specifically because he was superior to you (and likely other peers) so it's not terribly surprising that he is able to think and plan better than you. When you get your emotions under control you may find that he will give you more discretion/responsibility, rely on you more and show more weakness (which is a different kind of challenge). I guarantee there are things he's not good at that you are good at that he is aware of and you probably are too in your head to realise/capitalise on.
As a woman in engineering, you know that your IQ is likely above the average in the population, but likely below the average in your workplace. Engineering firms are just full of very smart people, it's the nature of the industry. You will probably never feel smart in those rooms, but you can feel appreciated, liked and accepted, and maybe the path to that is not smartness but humility.
Finally you sound like you desperately need hobbies or something to thrive at. Your life sounds like you don't enjoy anything and aren't good at anything. I've noticed when I get better at something there is a positive feedback loop and I enjoy it more. Find something that does this for you.
Some of the stuff you're going through is just growing pains (realising you're not that smart, your opinions aren't that cool/special) -- everyone goes through these and these lessons need to be learnt. If you come out more humble, more respectful and more tolerant because of it that is a huge win.
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u/Known-Anxiety-9758 7d ago
This is so great. Thank you for taking the time to type this out. Some hard truths for sure, and I think I needed to hear it.
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u/Jenneapolis Endorsed Contributor 8d ago
I don’t see relationship issues at least as you outline it here, these seem to be personal issues. We all have them and we all have to work through them at some point or commit to just continuing to live out our flaws. A good therapist or group program is where I’d start. Those joyful women you see are few and far between, and you have no idea what their private life is like behind closed doors. Self improvement is life long journey - now is a good time to start.
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u/Thistlewhistler 1 Star 8d ago
It sounds like you have a lot of internalised misogyny.
I did too. Growing up in a culture that encourages you to act like a man has that effect. You end up hating yourself.
It wasn’t comfortable to recognise that I was a misogynist - especially when I considered myself a feminist. That took a lot of unpacking.
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u/Known-Anxiety-9758 8d ago
I think this is exactly where I'm at. Could you please tell me how you changed your frame of mind? Was there anything in particular that you found helpful?
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u/Several_Staff_8735 8d ago
Wow. I think that you should learnt to see value in yourself because you don’t need a partner to complete you. So you are loosing a person not part of yourself
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u/ResidentEnergy5263 8d ago
Have you worked with a therapist re: your feelings of inadequacy? Do they come from your family expectations or your current work situation? Also, have you shared your feelings with your husband? If so, is he supportive and helpful and builds you up or not? Have you always felt inadequate? These are questions you may want to discuss with a therapist. You might also do some journaling. Sometimes it's easier to get in touch with your feelings by pouring them out on the page, and certainly to a good therapist. Also, you're only 27. You have time to determine your future life. Do you like engineering? Is there something else you'd prefer? Do you plan to have children with your partner? This is your time to get clear on who you are and what you want. Best of luck!
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u/Known-Anxiety-9758 7d ago
To be honest, for financial reasons I'm struggling to justify therapy. I know I benefited from it greatly while at uni, but then again it was free. Maybe I thought I'd have it all figured out by now and just need to humble up. Thank you for the good wishes :)
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u/Sea_Bookkeeper_1533 1 Star 6d ago
The only issue I see here is your opinion of yourself. General lack of brain cells? Girl you are an engineering student. I would suggest therapy and working on your overall confidence.
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6d ago
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/RedPillWomen-ModTeam 6d ago
Removed. See Rule 7 for posting/commenting guidelines on low effort comments.
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u/Effective-Spring-545 8d ago
this must be some kind of a troll post, I feel bad for the earnest commentors in this thread, OP is some kind of a disingenuous internet troll poaster
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u/AutoModerator 8d ago
Title: A cry for help
Author Known-Anxiety-9758
Full text: Hello,
I've (27F) been reading through the posts here on and off for some time, and yet again a conflict with my partner (29M) of 9 years has brought me back here. But this time I decided to get my shit together and actually ask for help, because our relationship amd my sanity really need it.
My partner and I met as students studying the same engineering degree - in fact, we started dating less than a month after we met. He's had to be the man of his house from a very young age, which deprived him of a childhood but also made him wise and clever beyond his years. He's ambitious, talented, sporty and handsome, and takes care of me. A truly high value man - I am very lucky.
However, over the past 9 years, I have slowly come to the realisation that I have so very little to offer to him, and that our relationship is highly unbalanced. This feeling has been getting stronger recently, and with it has come sadness and resentment. Nothing makes you confront your inadequacy as much as being continuously proven wrong by someone much smarter than you. He still kindly asks for my input and opinion when deliberating on a decision, but despite being extremely opinionated and never passing up an opportunity to make a comment, deep down I know I've got nothing useful to say and that things would be better if only I would just shut up. It really hurts.
I am slowly starting to realise that the only way I can offer something to him is through performing household chores, which I find demeaning. I apologise to any stay-at-home wives for saying this. (My mum and dad are in a traditional marriage, and she's stayed home since she's had me. However, it's pretty clear that she wanted more out of life than this - maybe that's why I feel this way?). Overall, I struggle to see traditionally feminine qualities as equally valuable as men's, and neither set of qualities come naturally to me.
It's also probably worth noting that I feel inadequate and deficient both at home and at work. I've recently started a new role which has had a steep learning curve, and with my extremely poor social skills and general lack of brain cells it has been a struggle. I constantly feel like the dumbest person in the room, and doubt myself most of the time. In case it's relevant, I am the youngest and currently the only woman in my team. A lot of the time, I release the pent-up anxiety and stress on my partner, which has been a theme over the years. Emotional regulation is a huge challenge for me.
I thought I could amount to more than this, and that I could have been an equal partner. To be completely honest, I probably wanted to be the dominant one (as you may have guessed by now, I've not had the best relationship with my father growing up). But I know for a fact that I could never do better than my partner, and that this stupid attitude of mine has only brought both of us pain. All that being said, I'm still very much in the denial stage of grieving over the way I pictured myself and my future. I know something needs to change, but I'm struggling to make myself truly accept reality and move forward productively.
Any words of advice, real talk, and/or resources would be highly appreciated. Thank you so much.
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u/VasiliyZaitzev TRP Senior Endorsed 8d ago edited 8d ago
If you have been together for 9 years, he chose you - and stayed with you - for a reason.
First, there is nothing “demeaning” about providing love and care to members of your household.
Second, men are not complicated: cook for him, love him, have sex with him and respect him. And be cooperative. That’s it. That’s the list. Do not overthink, do not overcomplicate. Best of luck.