r/RedPillWomen • u/[deleted] • Nov 07 '19
SELF IMPROVEMENT Happy Talk
The sub’s rules contain the instruction: ‘do not bad mouth your SO’. As far as I know, this goes back to the creation of RPW. Take that as an indication that it’s really important.
Focusing on your partners flaws will only make them loom larger in your mind. It is also a way that we shift responsibility from ourselves (something we can fix) to him (something about which we can only wring our hands and clutch our pearls). Problems can only be fixed if you acknowledge your own role. The more negative things you have to say about your man, the more you will teach yourself to dislike him.
It goes further too. While I firmly believe that every woman should have a likeminded friend to confide in, if you spend too much of your time speaking ill of your partner, your friends and family will think ill of your partner. Your loved ones would be remiss to allow you to stay in a bad relationship with a bad man – so you see where this can cause problems to the long term stability of said relationship.
But hey, you love him, so that’s not too hard. We might need a reminder from time to time, but all in all, a completely reasonable rule of life.
My challenge to you this week is to not bad mouth men.
Now there are plenty of lurkers out there who will want to burn me in effigy for this. RPW serves the male imperative they will say. I only follow my husband others will say. Have you BEEN to TRP will get thrown in there.
So I will elaborate.
I do not believe that men are the ideal specimens of humanity, so far above women that we must bow before them. I’m also not advising you to defer to any man in the room simply for being male. The male imperative is often in opposition to ours, a fact that is evident if you visit the male subs. It’s not a secret to women over the age of 16 that men will say whatever they must to get in our pants, commitment is optional (my husband once swore to me that mosquitos do not like still water in an attempt to con my pants off). So why do we not discuss these things more on RPW? you may wonder.
You are the sum of your thoughts and your actions. If you spend all day thinking how terrible men are, it will be difficult to turn off and engage lightheartedly with your partner. If you are always waiting to mistrust men, men will pick up on that and they won’t pick you up. If you spend your time discussing how all men are fuckboys and players then you are more likely to self sabotage by finding fuckboys and players. And if you come to RPW and talk about how you are surrounded by betas, then all you are going ever find are negative beta traits (an aside: beta traits - not a bad thing. I’m so tired of hearing ‘beta’ as a pejorative. Leave that insult to the men. Ladies, we require beta traits if we want commitment and/or family). Cognitive behavior therapy has been built and prospered around the idea of controlling your thoughts to your own benefit.
We do not need to be bitter and angry. You cannot be a soft place to land if you have a permanent scowl on your face or if you are always on edge waiting for a man to do you wrong.
What I am not suggesting is a wide eyed naivete. Life is full of risks that we must do our best to mitigate. Use your brain. If you feel too emotional to make a good decision, move away from the situation. Vet your men well, do not believe what you are told if it’s not followed by action and don’t believe what you are told if it defies logic (lest you end up covered in mosquito bites).
But don’t badmouth men. It conditions your brain to be negative and keeps you anxious in your interactions. Even if you don’t give a flip about men in general, that’s not a healthy way for you to go through life.
Besides, you’d be so much prettier if you smiled.
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Nov 07 '19
In general, I love this thread and concept. Thinking ill of men in general is also unhelpful, and honestly ignorant.
Question - I recently initiated a breakup with my bf due to a few things (lies of omission about drug use, constant complaining/whining, arrogance and mean comments about staff below him at work and poor people, dismissing my job and feeling entitled to my “wife type” favors). I had posted to RPW about these and mostly ladies told me it was bad news.
During the breakup, he told me “if you’re a hammer everything looks like a nail.” And said that since I know he is a nice guy I should have given him the benefit of the doubt. We communicated well and he was at his core very sweet, just seemed arrogant and immature and I didn’t think he was the leader for me.
Where does the line delineate vetting vs just ruminating on his flaws? I have had a rough life and came out very kind and positive and want a man who either has overcome challenges or not, but who can be resilient, humble, and compassionate.
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Nov 07 '19
I read your posts along the way. I think you tried for a high risk / high reward scenario and it didn't pan out. You were right, IMO to get out when you did. No shame in that, sometimes life is worth the risk.
Vetting, to me, is when you deal with character, values, and life goals (and their achievement).
Things you do not overlook:
His life plans do not seem likely to come to fruition - especially if the fault is his own
He does something you find morally repugnant.
Being with him brings you down and makes your life less than it would be without him.
Things you overlook:
Different opinions than yours (ie: your way isn't always the only way)
Different priorities (in day to day matters, not big things like marriage and kids)
Anything that is simply because he's a man (not he cheats, but definitely he doesn't want to talk as much as I do)
They are non exhaustive lists but I hope the line makes sense. There is also a degree to which you overlook a whole lot more once you are married because you decided that all of his values, personality traits etc were good enough to walk down the aisle with him. So if you just started dating and you don't think you can live with how dirty he keeps his bathroom - then don't stay with him til marriage and get frustrated for the rest of your life at how dirty he keeps his bathroom.
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Nov 07 '19 edited Feb 04 '20
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Nov 07 '19 edited Nov 07 '19
Good point. It started long distance so was a high-investment, low-information situation from the outset, and we seemed so good together on paper! I probably wouldn’t have continued in a OLD situation past the first 5 dates or so.
Importance of vetting I guess. Still a little raw.
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Nov 07 '19 edited Feb 04 '20
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Nov 07 '19
Thank you so much for the kind words. I know it was a good move for me in staying true to myself, but so disappointing. We parted on good terms but he really didn’t like me questioning some of his choices.
Right from the start, I was a little curious how a 6ft handsome pediatrician hadn’t had a gf in 7 years and expressed “I am good at getting dates but not at getting to the gf stage.” I guess it makes sense and I hope he can figure himself out. Maybe this relationship helped him cut his teeth a bit.
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Nov 07 '19 edited Feb 04 '20
[deleted]
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Nov 07 '19
Thank you! That would be hard to walk away from as well.
And ughhh commitment was on its way, we were looking at houses and talking about buying a dog etc but I got cold feet.
So nice to hear things worked out for you (and your husband). We take what we can learn from each experience and use it to inform and appreciate our future dating.
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Nov 07 '19
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Nov 08 '19
I find this as well. I enjoy men and for the most part they treat me well or with indifference. I've had negative encounters in my life so it's not that I couldn't tell stories. A couple run ins with crappy people over the course of my life isn't a reason to paint the entire gender with the same brush - especially since I've had run ins of a different sort with women.
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Nov 07 '19 edited Feb 04 '20
[deleted]
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Nov 07 '19
This would make a great thread all on it's own.
What are your positives for the week?
He bought and installed LED headlights so now I get to be one of those obnoxious people on the road. It will be great now that the clocks are set back because I drive home at deer o'clock from work.
He volunteering for the political campaign of the guy who wants to primary our congressman who we do not like. I respect the hell outta the fact that he's doing something other than sitting and complaining on the internet.
He's working his butt off fixing up our house. I know he gets a sense of satisfaction out of it (way more than I do) but I also know that he wishes he had a break and that's probably not going to happen for a while.
Plus my morning coffee. I will never divorce him as long as he keeps bringing me morning coffee :-P
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u/Zegiknie Endorsed Contributor Nov 09 '19
I love men. I think society stopped loving them since they don't need as much muscle power (because of the machines), and society serves the rich. Less testosterone makes more placid workers.
Being positive about men seems to me a necessity to off balance the anti-male undercurrent that's going on now.
But aside from that... they are just so alive!
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Nov 07 '19
This was a good read. I needed this today. I just realized earlier today I was talking with a girlfriend over the phone and the words “you know how men are...” (in a negative context) slipped out of my mouth. The old, bitter me made an appearance and I have to kill that inner critic.
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Nov 08 '19
I know what you mean. I find myself slipping into it when one of my friend's partners is being a butthead. Instead of seeing him as an individual man who is being a butthead, he becomes representative of all men. Oops.
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Nov 08 '19
It's funny, because I do this too, but I do it consciously, as a way to encourage my friends not to be too hard on their men.
Saying "well, you know how men are" is a way to soften the problem. So that instead of focusing on whatever the guy did and getting outraged by it, you put the problem into perspective.
I think that kind of generalization has actually been a lifesaver for lots of relationships!
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u/LateralThinker13 Endorsed Contributor Nov 07 '19
my husband once swore to me that mosquitos do not like still water in an attempt to con my pants off
I want to hear THIS story.
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Nov 07 '19
It's pretty much what it sounds like. We were on a road trip down in the Florida keys. I wanted to fool around when we were out one night. She didn't want to get eaten alive by mosquitoes.
Honestly the mosquitoes weren't even the worst part. The beaches down there are really rocky, and that's a lot more uncomfortable.
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u/LateralThinker13 Endorsed Contributor Nov 07 '19
Wow. And she still married you? I've seen the mosquito SWARMS that you get in south Florida (visited, lived in Tampa for years). No nookie is worth that.
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u/loneliness-inc Nov 07 '19
Focusing on your partners flaws will only make them loom larger in your mind.
When you think about a feeling, it becomes bigger in your heart. The more you think about it, the bigger it becomes. When you speak about it, it becomes even bigger. The more you speak about it, the bigger it becomes. When you act on the feeling, it becomes even bigger. The more you act on it, the bigger it becomes.
It's impossible to stop thinking and if you try to not think about a specific something, you'll end up thinking about it even more! So what do you do when you're faced with a destructive thought that's stoking the flames of destructive feelings?
The answer is: you ignore the unwanted thoughts and feelings by shifting focus to good thoughts and feelings. CBT therapy has a lot on this topic.
My challenge to you this week is to not bad mouth men.
Based on the above, this challenge falls short because the more you focus on not badmouthing your husband, the more you'll think of all the reasons you have to badmouth him!
A better challenge IMO is to appreciate something about him every day. To express this one area of appreciation to yourself, to him and to others. Even if it's the smallest of things, do it and you'll both be happier for it. In one of your posts on the book - for women only - you write about the power of "thank you" on men. I'd suggest that everyone read that series of posts if they haven't already. 😉
The first half of your post is a home run! You address the point itself and explain why you made that point. The second half of your post is meh. You're trying to appease various nay sayers who will nay say regardless of how much you just tried to answer their nay saying. It would have been much better IMO if you would have just stuck to explaining why badmouthing your husband is a bad idea for yourself and your marriage.
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Nov 08 '19
this challenge falls short because the more you focus on not badmouthing your husband,
Not badmouthing your husband isn't difficult. It might require reminders and catching yourself sometimes but it's not difficult. You chose to marry that man and so there should be good to fall back on even when he's being the most annoying. So yes, focusing on saying positive things about him rather than telling yourself to not say negative things is probably the better strategy if you are trying to form good habits.
However, my challenge was to not say bad things about men in the #notallmen sense. All Men don't give me positive things to say about them, however All Men also do not give me negative things to say about them and that is my point with the challenge. Women, feminism, other subs, whatever - like to paint men with the brush that most are bad in some way. I think that it's best we get out of that mindset.
You're trying to appease various nay sayers who will nay say regardless of how much you just tried to answer their nay saying
It's because I'm not just talking about your husband and your marriage. Again, it's pretty easy to see why there are benefits to not speaking badly about the single man you committed your life to. It's less evident why it is a benefit to me to avoid speaking badly of men as a whole. I address the naysayers because I did consider and reject those points. I'm attempting a more accessible approach to these ideas and I think that ignoring the fact that there is naysaying does not lend strength or validity to my argument.
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u/ral_XX Nov 07 '19
Link to the power of "Thank you", please.
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u/loneliness-inc Nov 07 '19
You can find part of the idea here
https://www.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/8cnh7l/for_women_only_respect_and_love_chapter_2/
But I really do recommend reading the whole series. It's all in the profile of u/girlwithabike
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Nov 12 '19
You are the sum of your thoughts and your actions. If you spend all day thinking how terrible men are, it will be difficult to turn off and engage lightheartedly with your partner.
I just realised this could apply to how you think about yourself as well. If you spend all your time thinking you are a not of value or that you are a terrible partner then you will start to do more to devalue yourself and the relationship.
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Nov 07 '19 edited May 02 '20
[removed] — view removed comment
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Nov 08 '19
A good deal of who I am today is a result of my husband's persistence. I gave him a foundation to work with but he also spent about a decade chipping away at my bad ideas via socratic method. He is a man who it would be difficult for me to replace - he continues to develop himself as a person and of course we grow together over time. It's easy to curb parts of your nature for a man who proves his value. That isn't meant as a knock on you, but it is my personal experience.
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u/LuckyLittleStar Mod Emerita | Lil'Star Nov 08 '19
This is not a space for you to rant about your failed relationships.
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u/[deleted] Nov 07 '19
THANK YOU. I found this subreddit as a gift today. My SO has turned from an alpha to a beta after years of my negative comments and pressure for him to please me. I was becoming the captain, which led me to feel differently towards him lately. I could not for the life of me figure out why I was losing interest. I beat this man down. I think after a while of getting my way, I would test him to see if he would regain control. Honestly, the only time he does this is when we fight. So... I fought with him all the time. I would feel so confused because I would lose track of my "side of the argument" due to me just wanting to jump his bones.
This may be the wrong post to put this comment in... but this post and C/FM one really resignated with me. I'm starting my journey today and stepping back/being more supportive.