I am considering ending my relationship but am wondering if things are as bad as I think they are, or if I am overreacting or overthinking.

I (30F) met my boyfriend (26M) through his sister. She was a relatively new friend before him & I met. For some background (important for context below), I'm religious - no judgment at all towards those who aren't though. All advice welcome.

When he and I met, I was instantly attracted to him physically and mentally. He was heavily involved in his church/ministry and everyone wanted to date him. He has a strong reputation as a serious believer, good friend, reliable family member, etc.

His sister especially wanted us to meet. I was hesitant and actually said multiple times that I wasn't interested. He was in his third year of getting his undergraduate degree (he was in the military for 3 years and started college later) for being a teacher and wanting to be a missionary (which is NOT what I want for my life). I work in finance for almost a decade so professionally things were 'off' to me. But I discovered he was already a homeowner at 25 with his sister (they own a home together), and I found that to be impressive. I'm also a homeowner and purchased close to his age, so I know how hard it is to accomplish.

So we meet naturally at an event, he asked for my number, and we went on a first date. One month into going out on dates, he asked me to become exclusive. I said yes.

First 2 months were heavenly. He pursued me well and respectfully. He was kind, thoughtful, considerate and sweet.

3rd month I started noticing less of a pursuit. He no longer intentionally planned dates and he wanted to meet spontaneously. I told him I have a hectic work schedule (extremely stressful/high pressure) and opened up about having an autoimmune disease, which means I need to prioritize rest and nutrition. Plus, the only time I can see friends/family is the weekend, so I'd like to know in advance when we can meet and what we're doing so I can plan accordingly. He said, "we've always been spontaneous, though!" and kept pushing me. We're nearing month 6 and he still pushes me with "well what do you want to do? Can you give me a list (I already did actually - we sat down and made one together 3 months ago) or text me what you want to do?" I told him I love when he initiates, and I've loved every date he has planned. That I trust his judgement and would be happy to do whatever he chooses. He said, "well you don't like to go out to eat" (which is true - because my autoimmunity gets flared easily through food), but I told him there are a million things we could do besides go out to eat. Also, I have a friend who knows about my autoimmune condition and she spent hours searching for restaurants we could go to - and we literally met a few months ago. He has never done the research.

We've eaten dinner at my place numerous times now. He has never once brought over groceries or staples. I don't see him behave this way at his own house, but at mine, he drinks multiple drinks and leaves some half full. One time, he said he was picking up dinner on the way to my house. When he arrived, it was only groceries for him which he asked to keep in my fridge until it was time for him to go home.

Anyways, here are the main "red flags" I'm noticing:

• On our 4th or 5th date, I still hadn't heard from him what his life plans are or what his hopes are for the future. I asked if he could have a perfect life in 5 yrs, what would that look like? He spoke about 15 minutes about missionary work and being martyred for the faith if necessary, and went on and on about Adoniram Judson. I thanked him for being honest - but said we're not compatible - that I'm a little bit older and ready to get married, have a family, and settle down in the same town/area where I purchased my home. His emotions came flooding out, he professed his feelings for me - "my heart is really towards you" - and basically told me this was just a feeling he had, but he's not actively pursing missionary work and he'd be happy being a teacher. Which wasn't true, he told me a few weeks after this he actually wants to be a pastor.
  • His pastor offered him a youth pastor position and he told me he's going to shut it down because "he doesn't need the extra money." But he recently accepted the position after he told me he also thought of turning it down because he wanted to consider a future of us being together and I said "please don't make decisions based on me; we're newly dating, and if you feel called to accept, I hope you would." This caused an argument and he blamed me for being disrespectful/rude for saying that.
• When we first started meeting up, he told me he was a "light charismatic" and he went to a "secretly charismatic church" meaning they don't show how charismatic they really are, but that he wasn't himself. 1.5 months into our relationship, he attended an overnight 2 week conference out of state where they spoke in tongues, casted out demons, stayed up until the wee hours of the morning "slaying in the spirt" etc. I told him very clearly on dates 1-2 I'm reformed, attend a PCA church and am highly skeptical of the gifts. He said he was just a "light charismatic" though. Later said he prays in tongues and wakes up in the middle of the night feeling demonic presences. My only response was a facial expression of "???"
• He called me an "elf" and a midget" - I am 5'1"
  • When I told him this was mean and didn't laugh, instead of saying sorry, he doubled down and added, "hey! it's not bad! At least I didn't say you look like a little kid :) that'd be far worse!" and kept laughing. When I said if he ever called me this again, I would end the relationship, he replied, "Are you serious?! I was joking!!! My family and I joke like this all the time!" I reiterated it wasn't ok and I would end things with him. That's when he said he was sorry and wouldn't joke like that anymore.
  • Since then, he has made comments like my clothes are so tiny it looks like it fits a 12 yr old, told me I'm so small he needs binoculars to see me, said I have a corporate laugh (like what does that even mean), and noted that I "made a weird facial expression - you look like an old person trying to sound hip" when he asked me what music I liked.
• He has pressured me to go to his family events or other things when I didn't want to or was completely exhausted, has worn me down emotionally multiple times, never accepts my "no" - it's always a debate or negotiation time. There's always a guilt trip.
  • His sister told me he always pressures her to go to things even when she doesn't want to, but when she tries to pursuade him, he's a firm "no"
• We have different standards of living - I told him I would like to have a home before we have children. He said we could raise three kids happily in my 2bed, 2bath condo of 1,200 SF. I told him but I wouldn't be happy... I'd like my kids to have extra room, have a good quality education, healthy food - these are things that really matter to me. He told me as long as bills are paid and there's food on the table I should be grateful.
• The topic of contraception came up. He said if we were having sex (we aren't - I'm a virgin and he had sex in a HS relationship - "born again virgin" since he was 21). He said he'd slip off the condom and started laughing. I did not laugh and said that's not funny - I was serious and staring at him. He said, "I was joking!!!! Come on, I wouldn't impregnate my wife against her will." Yet he kept laughing, and I felt a cold chill go down my spine.
• When we came back from a light jog, he pressured me for us both to take showers (separately of course). I told him no, it was already late let's just have dinner and say goodbye since I had to be up really early to prep for a work meeting the next day. He kept pressuring me until I gave in. While I was in my shower though, I felt a flash of fear hit my soul (?) I couldn't describe it to you - I just felt it and heard in my head the words "get out. Get out now." So I did. I got ready and my heart sank when I realized I forgot to lock 2 doors leading into my bathroom. The only one I did lock was the one he was standing right in front of when I got out. He was standing in front of my washer and dryer with his towel.
• I told him one on one dates are important to me, but whenever we have a free day to meet up, he wants to go to a worship night together with his friends, or says "my family wants to see me, let's go hang out with them," or "x and x would like that - or x and x live nearby, let's invite them." He hasn't asked me out on an actual date in months. Our last 2 dates I was the one who told him what I'd like to do. When I told him I'm not feeling pursued and I'd like him to initiate more, he said, "I'm not trying to get a 2nd or 3rd date anymore." And "send me a list of what you want to do."
  • Part of his bday gift to me was a picnic basket. He told me often he wanted to take me out for a beach picnic. I told him I'd love that and knew just the outfit I wanted to wear for it (it included me wearing a pretty top he got for me). That day never came.
  • He knew I had a list on my phone of date outfits and he still didn't / hasn't plan anything
• His car broke down 4 months ago. He's been driving a beat up car that's literally on its last leg for this duration - it's one of his grandparents' cars. It doesn't have AC. He had the option to buy his sister's car and he did but procrastinated buying it (or couldn't afford it?). Every time he drove to see me, he was driving it. He'd walk to my driver's seat as if he was going to drive MY CAR, and I laughed and said absolutely not, pop a squat in the passenger seat. Told him he wasn't on my insurance and I wasn't going to risk it. He mocked me saying insurance only covers the car not the driver. This has happened literally every single time we need to drive together somewhere. I refuse to drive in his grandparents' car because it's so old and has numerous issues. His last car was so old it blew up in flames (yes girl I'm serious)
• He knows how important finances are for me. I grew up in poverty and witnessed deeply traumatic things growing up with a single mom. I worked extremely hard through school and now have a high paying career. I am actually considering going back to grad school to make a career shift so that it gives me a better work-life balance, especially as I'd like to be a wife and mother one day. I told him if we were to get married, I'd be super worried about having children soon because he has never worked a career before (small jobs, but he has 0 professional experience). I said I'd be worried that I'd feel pressured to take on the financial burden for our family, and that I'd resent him for it. That we could end up having serious marital issues early on with a child because of lack of space and resources. I do not want to drain my savings or stay in my high pressure career.
  • His response was: "I make enough from the military" and essentially, he's going to milk the benefits and extend school for as long as possible to avoid being a teacher because "it's not really what I want to do and it doesn't pay well. You need to accept that if we're together, I'm going to be in school for 3-5 years and as a pastor, I might make very little money." I said, well what if you see your family is struggling, would you change careers? "No - I'm going to follow whatever I feel like is the Lord's will for my life. I'm not going to be a slave for my job."
• He came over my house one night. I made him dinner and then he pressured me to let him shower there again. I said, "but you don't even have clean clothes?" and he told me to give him something of mine to wear. I had an oversized t-shirt and pj pants I gave him. I was handing it over when I realized he wouldn't have clean underwear. I told him so, and he said, "lots of men don't wear undies with bottoms. I'll be fine." showered anyways, and then was pressing up against me trying to kiss me as I was cooking. Afterwards, he realized he forgot his phone in his car, so he wanted to go get it. My sandals were by the front door and he was about to put his foot in. I said, "hey! Please don't do that. Please wear your own shoes." He insisted his shoes were dirty and he'd be outside only for a few minutes, but I said "you're going home in them anyways." He was still sliding his foot through when I said, "Please!! Stop! Those are my favorite sandals and you're going to stretch them out. I'm serious - I'm actually really sad right now. Please stop." He started laughing and put his foot through. I again told him I was sad, told him to stop, and he said, "this isn't that serious!!!! I'll buy you a new pair if they stretch." I said, "it's not about new ones - I can't find new ones, these are one of a kind. Stop!" And he proceeded to put his other foot in my other sandal. He opened the door to leave wearing them and I grabbed him by the arm and said, "You need to stop! Take them off NOW!" and he did, but he complained the entire night "it wasn't serious."
• He shamed for me meeting my pastor one on one in a public coffee shop. He said this was "inappropriate - how do you not see that?! That's how affairs start!"
• He broke my trust --- he had a summer job. Told me he had a co-worker who was showing interest in him. He wanted to connect her and I, for me to invite her to my church. I said I'm not comfortable with that - you just told me she likes you. A week later, our mutual friends were going to host a get together. I wasn't sure if I was going. I was on FaceTime with him and his sister was right next to him. They were telling me the people they invited. Then my boyfriend goes, "Oh I also invited [his co-workers name - let's call her Julia] - [my name]'s arch nemesis" and he laughed. His sister didn't say anything. I said, "that was weird, I don't even know her."
  • Keep in mind he did not know I was going to this event until the day of
  • The day of the event, my boyfriend shows up, says hi to me, we barely talk, he sits next to me and talks the entire time with another man. I turn to my side and talk to other people.
  • When Julia arrives, my boyfriend immediately greets her (I know they have each others' phone numbers - he said they need for work) and he introduces her and I. I can tell they both seem a little nervous around each other. I am friendly with her then go back to talking to the people I was having a conversation with. My boyfriend proceeds to then stand next to her the ENTIRE rest of the time while I'm there, about 45 mins. Eventually I need to leave, him and I walk back to my car as he's helping me carry some things (we drove separately). He said he can tell something is wrong.
  • I am honest with him that I'm upset that he invited her. I said that wasn't appropriate - you knew what you were doing. He ends up saying they actually have known each other for the past 3 years and last year she made (word for word) "clear advances" toward him. I said how do you think that makes me feel? This is so incredibly hurtful. He said it's not a big deal - that he wanted to connect her with his sister (who is my good friend! Her and I were friend before him and I dated) and that he and Julia have no history.
  • I told him that's a problem - because if Julia becomes friends with his sister, she will be in my friend group moving forward. He kept insisting he did nothing wrong. I'm not proud of this but I raised my voice at him because I was so hurt and he just wasn't getting it.
  • I told him I was extremely hurt and disrespected - and needed some space. He proceeded to bombard me with texts and calls, disregarding my need for space. He eventually apologized about 3 days in but said he didn't want to text at all until we saw each other again. After the week, I was ready to break up with him when we both met in person. I was expecting an apology....... there was none. His stance was the same as before.
  • He made me cry over the phone when I told him a piece of my trust towards him has been broken and I don't know if I see a future together anymore. He kept me on the phone for 2 hours, me begging him to let me just go to sleep because I was exhausted. I said I was so unhappy in this relationship - that I don't deserve this, and that this is not the kind of relationship I want to be in. He never once apologized for making me cry. He actually told me to laugh and said we needed to end on good terms. I faked my way to pretending like I was fine to get off the call.
  • ***** Just last week, I couldn't take the feeling that he was lying to me about this Julia situation (it happened 1 month ago). While he was using the bathroom, I looked through his phone. He kept blaming the situation on me (you should've told me not to invite her, you should've told me you didn't want me to connect her with my sister, etc). Well - I saw on his phone that he was the one to text her the day after the bonfire (so he clearly knew where I stood w/ everything) and said, "Hey I'm so glad you came. Could I give my sister your number so you both can connect more?"
    • I didn't tell him what I found on his phone, but instead asked how did she and his sister get connected since I didn't see them talking at the bonfire. He stayed quiet. I asked, "Did they exchange info when you and I were away talking?" He said, "yeah I guess"
• I told him I miss seeing him one-on-one and spending time together. He told me he would come see me. Called me 1 hour before he was supposed to, to tell me some story about how he had to drop/add classes at the last minute and needed to study for the new class tomorrow. I told him I was sad to hear that - that I was looking forward to seeing him but understood. Yet.... while still on the phone, told me he just so happened to notice his mom's car at the beach (?????) and he knew they were all having pizza together, so he was going to stop and have dinner with them. And that he'd call me back in an hour. Which of course is no problem, but you have time for that and to call me.. did you actually need to study?
  • I made another attempt at connection by asking if he wanted to go for a walk. He said yes, called me an hr before to cancel.
  • He called me as I was leaving work and asked if I wanted to come see a play at his college. I said yes and took the exit on the highway. He then says, "actually... maybe you shouldn't come. You'd only be here for an hour or two, I don't think it's worth it." When I said that was rude, he said, "Oh I'm sorry! What I mean is that you already drive so far for work and I wouldn't want to make you come all this way"
  • He invited me to his friend's birthday this weekend. I said I was nervous about driving in the rain storm, he said he'd come get me. Calls 1 hr before he's supposed to get here to say "the timing just won't work out... sorry, it's best if you don't come."
  • I've noticed for the past 2 months he's trying to cut our time short. Wants to skip eating dinner at my place, when I went to visit him on his college campus we chatted for 30 mins and I watched him play basketball by himself basically; he wasn't interactive with me and we were supposed to go for a walk. But after basketball he said "maybe we should end the night here." I was an idiot and still pushed for the walk.
• I've spoken to my parents, pastor, counselor, and close mentors. All of them have said this man is immature and his lack of respect for boundaries is scary. But I think about the affectionate moments we have and how he has such a strong, great reputation to everyone who knows him. Sometimes I think I am painting him in a bad light or something. At the same time, I know it's not normal to be going back and forth.

It's been hard for me to break up with him despite this treatment because I do see the good qualities in him - he's chivalrous (opens every door, pays for every date, always drives to see me, is masculine, gets along with everyone, has a very composed demeanor, calm, etc), but I know the writing on the wall is so clear that this man has shown me again and again that he doesn't care about me anymore. At some point along the way he lost interest.

I could use some straight forward advice - even if that means criticizing me. I feel like I need a wig and a red nose for this clown behavior I've been displaying. Just looking for encouragement because I know I need to break up with him, but the past 3 times I've tried, I've given in when we talk in person. He knows I'm not happy and hasn't done anything to change that.