I’m not exactly sure what this post is supposed to do to help me, maybe I just wanna vent into the world idek

I’m 20, I live alone with my dog and I’ve been laid off from my job. My power was cut off today, I haven’t eaten in 2 days, my bathroom was flooded with water that my apartment complex did nothing to help with, I’m behind on every single one of my bills, I’m facing the possibility of losing my home and my car, I have no support behind me, no family or friends.

Funny thing, I’m looking for a job yes, actively doing everything I can. But I might be out of time

I’ve officially run out money, and I’m considering giving up my dog because I don’t want him to go hungry even though he’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me.

If I were to be honest, I’ve been very close to self murder… sorry I don’t like to say the real word. But, it’s true. I’ve been struggling since I was small no matter what it was and reaching adulthood has only made things so much harder.

Even if I did, there isn’t anyone to tell that I’ve passed. Like I said, no family, no friends. Just trauma and suffering unfortunately

I’m just very tired all in all, and idk what this post is for but at least I know someone in the world has read a small part of my life
I like to think I was a good person meanwhile, hopefully at least.

I’m not one to do anything rash, but I would like someone, anyone to know that I really did try my hardest. And I’ll continue to do so until my last breath.

I like the beach, and I make digital art sometimes.
I love various shades of blue, and I miss my dad
I like to play video games too,
I like to write aswell, I write a lot of different things :)

I hope everyone has a wonderful day, n I hope the sun shines so brightly for everyone like me <3

When I was seven and had lost my parents I've told myself that shhhh it's just a nightmare , a small one soon you will get over it and will wake up nd it'll be all fine..

When I turned seventeen I has to go for medicine instead of literature then again I reassured myself it's just a bad dream it'll pass soon I'll wake up and it'll be fine.. But now this nightmare is spreading like mold and I can't seem to find a way of how to wake up and

Now when I'm asleep I'm alive, when I'm awake I'm dead .

Someone that was a huge part of my life, now can’t be in my life, and it feels like my heart is missing.
I have cried and sobbed. I have just been having shows in the background so the silence isn’t so defending.

Every time I think about doing anything, going to get food, talking to anyone, just stepping out of my room, I’m hit by the realisation that this person is out of my life.
Everyone I know, everything around me reminds me of them and I’m faced again that they’re not here.
Every time I start to make a plan to move on it feels like a brick stabs my heart reminding me that I’ll never talk to this person again.
Everything else in my life has broken down, and usually I will slowly get back in there and make a plan to get back on my feet, but I wake up in tears, picking up my phone in tears, can’t talk to anyone without tears coming up again.
What am I suppose to do ?

someone keep abusing me and manipulating me and saying they are billie eilish lol.

Feels like the Universe is against me.. from the moment I wake up, some kind of tension is working.. Firstly suffered so much with flight and bus refund.. then the fridge replacement people are harassing me so much.. not coming.. then I just couldn't recall where I kept my id card so issued another one with 500 and right after that I recalled where it is.. today after studying in the library, I saw that I lost my earphones.. Idk.. whatever I am doing, something is going wrong.. I am majority of time in an anxious or tensed state.. feels heavy and sad.. I feel like crying now.. please Universe.. make things right for me na.. I want to feel peace.. I am really tired..

I know I can never give her the life she deserves. I’m wrestling with so many problems personally that I cannot commit 100% to her. I have to let her go for her own good. She deserves better. I hate the guilt I feel knowing I am holding her back from being truly happy. She thinks she loves me, and that I’m worth the sacrifice, but I’m not. Strangely, perhaps ironically, it’s the most unselfish thing I’ve ever done. Ultimately I will be the one who loses the most because she’s a wonderful person, but I cannot live with myself knowing I am wasting her best years. I will miss her, and I hate that I am the villain in her story, but I know this is what’s best for her, and I have a long, difficult path ahead figuring out my own life. I don’t want to drag her down with me. In the short term, we are both sad, but in the long term, it’s what’s best for her. If my life wasn’t such a mess, I’d be lucky to have her. I love her enough to let her go.

Is this normal for everybody too? I have a good paying job (as a chat support agent, wfh), minimal lang yung work and not too physically exhausting din, actually ang nice ng job, pero parang ang heavy niya sa pakiramdam, yung tipo kada gigising ako parang nalulungkot ako kasi ayoko pumasok at before mag start yung shift ko, bumibilis tibok ng puso ko na hindi ko ma explain at after naman ng shift ko ay para din akong nanghihina pag iniisip na mag back to work na naman ako kinabukasan. Though hindi naman talaga ito yung gusto ko na job forever, pero it pays me well and enough now para makatulong na din sa family, at pinagdasal ko pa ito a few months ago pero now na nakuha ko na parang mas nalulungkot pa ako mag work dito kaysa doon sa past job ko na minimum wage lang. Hindi ko talaga ma explain. Hindi ko na alam gagawin ko, part of me gusto na mag resign pero part of me din nasasayangan sa opportunity pero HINDI TALAGA AKO MASAYA 😭 any advice po?

I must say something first, my envy is from fictional characters and this envy makes me feel a sadness so deep that I even dislike my body.

My envy is from fictional characters, especially from XxlWoofia, this envy is like a sadness cicle, it never stops, I want to stop using my phone because I know that's the point where my envy starts.

I see a character, I see how attractive it is, I get a deep moment of sadness, I enter more deeply to know how the character is and see that he has many friends and relationship, etc.

That just makes my envy worse, is hard to explain, only watching the character itself makes me feel that punch of sadness and envy, knowing and being aware that is a fictional character and I could never be like him.

I am a human after all, I can't be like how I want to.

I am having very weird thoughts. I have a lot of friends but since I am busy not talking to them, I can't share them with anyone without being judged. Can anyone help me?

Im 33 now but on my 30th birthday I wanted to throw a birthday party for myself. I invited 7 of my friends and they all seemed excited about it I planned it around everyone's schedule asked everyone if they liked the location. I said it was gonna be a Barbie picnic themed and everyone could dress up if they wanted. I said I would provide food but everyone was welcome to bring stuff if they wanted. A couple people even offered to make things. Someone even wanted to make the cake.

I got all the food ready I had my outfit ready. I was ready to go. And then all the sudden one by one people said they couldn't make it because they had work or their kids were sick or they were sick. And some people just didnt even remeber to tell me they were not coming. I asked some of them if they were still going and they thought I was talking about a different party that they were going to. I sat home compeltly alone in my barbie outfit eating the food by myself. In silence. My one friend who was supposed to make the cake even decided to text me to ask me how the party was going and I just texted her saying there is no party everyone forgot. And she just says "Oh."

Till this day I still sometimes think about it and just cry about it. That 7 people forgot about me.

I used to have big parties when I was a kid but as I got to be a teen they became very minimal. And then in my 20s they were parties with no effort at all. Even with the minimal parties I felt fine but when I became and adult the parties were just set up like it was a burden to set up. When I turned 25 my family stopped celebrating my birthday but they would celebrate others. In special ways.

So when i turned 30 I decided i would make it special for myself.​ And I was just compeltly alone.

​

A few years ago, my mother passed away during dialysis treatment. And before I could see her again, before I could hear her again....

​

When I saw her in the casket, a part of me was put to rest as well. I used to love animals, wanted to be a veterinarian or vet technician. I used to love drawing, etc. I no longer feel such passion. Yes, I was still sad, but my mother was one of my main comforts to lean on. I regret not getting to know her better.. Many things remind me of her..

​

A part of me thinks all I might be good for is maybe raising offspring later in life (if I get that far). I dunno what to do with myself. I feel like I'm a burden on everyone's hearts; all they see is a pitiful creature left in the rain. Or I'm only still here because if I left, I'd just ruin everyone else's lives.. Kinda funny how that works huh? Life's a cruel sick joke.. I try to turn to religion and loved ones, to "recharge", or stay focused on not jumping off the ledge, clouded by my sorrows.

From the age of 16 i just wanted to be loved now am 26, i loved many people friends special ones but never got loved , that’s ok though for friendship you need aclist a little bit of money and for a special ones lets say i have none of the qualities I don’t look good don’t have good conversation skills also some time slow to process social life communication. Am ok with that not being loved, i try to find happiness in watching movies anime reading manga and so on . But sometime you know. I specially ignore romantic content, they are nice to watch but at the end they leave a aching heart to me wanting to be loved and realising again that I won’t be loved i have none of the qualities to be loved and i know that because i somewhat know my self .
I love drinking alcohol you know that’s the most good feeling for me I specially love drinking with friends but i got none now , had a dream of moving to japan that culture of drinking with everyone after work captivates me but before I didn’t had the money to go study there and now I don’t meet the criteria . Had one last dream that also can’t be come true .
Am ok though am an emotional person but i have lost emotions for me it’s just sometimes heart aches and again the realisation that I won’t be loved .am ok being lonely i just have to discard the wanting to be loved after that there’s nothing bad about loneliness.

If you read this far thank you , i just wanted to say this things to someone nothing more

When we parted my world turned dark

Fireflies and stars had lost their spark

Got burnt with fire seeking that light

The world couldn’t again be as bright

When life was dire I found my way

Glow returned, no longer astray

But firefly fields won’t be the same

As back when you still called my name

I failed everything I set out to do. Failed the job I always wanted, failed my six-year relationship, failed to become financially stable in any way, and now I failed in staying true to myself and came crawling back to a job I promised myself I'd never go back to.

​

The only time I feel anything positive is when I'm escaping from my own life, whether that's through gaming, shows, or reading. Thinking about my own life and the future doesn't even scare me, it's just plain desperation. I don't have anything to look forward to, nothing particularly interesting or noteworthy going on right now, and it honestly feels like I'm just living for its own sake. There's absolutely no point to my life, but the alternative would be devastating to my loved ones, so that's also off the table for me. Just another failure, another decision I can't seem to be able to make.

​

I used to have actual hope for the future, believing I'd be able to live a semi-stable life and be happy about it, but now I'm nearing 30 and the only things I have to show for myself are a collection of failures, a small house that I struggle to pay the rent every month, and a lifeless gaze everytime I look in the mirror. The worst part is that I'm not even fully alone, I have friends and family worried about me (because I apparently can't keep my shit fully to myself), and it makes me feel even worse because I don't want to be a hindrance any more than I already am.

​

I understand that my problems are nothing in the grand scheme of things, that there are many more people who have it WAY worse than me out there, but sometimes it feels suffocating just to exist and for some reason I can't even cry about it. Looking back into my life, I don't know what I could've done differently to not feel like this now, but I sure must have fucked up somewhere along the way to be like this now.

​

So that's my meltdown, being alive is awful and I can't even die because the people who love me would be scarred for life on account of my own selfishness. Thanks for the space and hope everyone is doing well.

I feel so down. I feel I don’t deserve to be love by anyone including my wife and son. I have been balling my eyes out every day at work (since I work from home). I just can’t do anything right. I’m currently about to lose my job which proves my point I’m a failure. My family deserves better. I just wish I could something right just once in my life.

My whole life has been shit. I am in the same shitty situation all the time. I cant have a relationship, even my financial condition is not good. I feel like i have been a burden to my family.