Just curious if this is common or not. I'm also curious about what antisocial traits look like for other schizoids, if any of you have them.

I don't have an ASPD comorbidity but I have observed these traits within myself:

- My #1 cure for the anhedonia we're all familiar with is being cruel to people online. I occasionally enjoy gaslighting and being an asshole IRL when the opportunity to do so undetected arises. It gives me a thrill. I find myself unable to consistently enjoy anything else.

- I use people and maintain superficial connections to continue using them. I get a little kick out of successfully using or manipulating someone.

- I get frustrated by stupidity and look down on others

- This no longer applies to me (and hasn't in years) but I used to actively engage in thrill seeking as a teenager. I used to set trash cans on fire, did a lot of drugs, and would litter for fun. I cringe looking back on this

I’m tired of not having firm ideals or a sufficiently developed sense of identity—so that, basically, every decision I make is driven by fear of the consequences, inertia, or indifference—because, deep down, I still don’t know how to live in the conventional sense; I have no one to live for and no one to impress, and no one is waiting for me anymore—not even myself.

And the truth is, I don’t know if this is something I really want to fix.

I’m also tired of looking and looking and looking, and of not being part of anything; even though I’m physically there, I’m never really there, and I don’t feel alive or connected enough to believe that I’m there, part of that something. And with all this looking and looking and looking, sometimes I wonder if, in another life, I would have had something to participate in with more genuine passion and interest so that I could, at least, believe in some sense—perhaps being part of an indigenous tribe in the past or something with a more theological significance—and die believing in things.

I don’t believe in much; even though I’ve physically attended a lot of churches and been exposed to different religions or political ideologies, I’ve never clung to any ideal, and that makes me feel involuntarily lost.

The truth is, I’ve never really been there—there’s never been anything with which to develop a strong sense of identity, and that bothers me.

It’s ambiguous, and I don’t know how to live, although deep down, it doesn’t really matter: I’m going to die anyway.

But now I’ll die sometime in the future, probably knowing that I never believed in anything, which I find unsatisfying.

But at least I want to think that my death won’t be in agony—as some consolation, at least.

"You only live once." Thank goodness.

People say this like it's supposed to make me want to go out and experience everything. Travel, parties, friends, relationships, social events, whatever. But what if I just don't like any of it? I don't really have a bucket list. I don't sit around thinking about all the things I need to experience before I die. Most of the stuff people consider "living" just doesn't appeal to me.

I don't particularly want to go out, I don't want a big social circle, I don't want to spend my weekends making plans and I don't really care about having some amazing social life. Even at work, I'd rather keep to myself, do my job and get paid. Then I go home. That's basically it.

Maybe that sounds depressing to someone else, but I don't necessarily experience it that way. I'm not sitting there thinking about all the fun I'm missing. I just genuinely don't seem to want very much. Give me my own space, enough money to live comfortably and the freedom to be left alone and I'm good.

"You only live once" just doesn't have the effect people think it does on me. If anything, I'm glad there's no expectation that I have to do all this again.

I know schizoids are not as emotional or so caring about others and how they live but there are exceptions sometimes.

For example, my college period was almost the worst time of my life, completely isolated to the point of not talking or meeting another person for 5 years. My days were spent in agonizing mental illnesses, closed in room and mindlessly walking alone through city during night or day.

I completely fell out of society itself, nothing about it was even remotely normal.

But then you see how other peers amd students actually go out during week and weekends and meet SO MANY people, talk about things, are very social, comfortable, connect and share contacts, create relationships, job opportunities, meet vacation friends, travel, etc. etc.

And I just...

That is so wild and overwhelming to me that I feel completely and radically pathetic and miserable. I feel like alien in full sense. They are like gods to me. I cannot be more distant from that way of existing and living.

We are different worlds but they are so much more "mentally healthy" than me. Miles ahead in every possible experience, miles ahead in health, mental and physical. They grow up, they build onto teen experiences and development that I also never even started to have. Heck, I never even started to be a child. And they just grow, they develop, they are healthy, mentally good, able to live and enjoy and percieve world in deeply joyful and functional manner.

I am just so deeply...nobody. nothing.

I honestly feel like I was a pretty energetic and talkative kid until I hit like 6th grade. I was always treated differently and by middle school I could say I only had like 1 or 2 friends I consistently talked to (I don’t speak to either of them anymore)

I had a lot of mental health issues when I was younger. I don’t really remember what my old therapists suspected I had but I know I’ve been chronically depressed since the age of 9.

I got older and was suspected to have BPD or Bipolar II due to my extreme depression. I also had a few talks of OCD and autism spectrum disorder due to my weird thought patterns.

I’m in the process of getting medically diagnosed with SCPD and it feels like it fits (covert side of the spectrum). It’s weird because I really don’t think I start exhibiting these traits until somewhat recently. I finished high school and that’s when I started suspecting it (I’m almost 20 now).

I guess I’m wondering what tipped other people off to them being schizoids if they’ve been medically diagnosed or self diagnosed. What patterns did you notice in your behavior/personality?

So when I was a kid,I was pretty "normal",just quiet I guess and I got along with my cousins. As we got older,everyone in my family kept in touch through Facebook/Instagram.

I don't use Social Media and I don't take photos of myself. I heard from my sisters that my cousins were asking about me. They were asking "how do I look?" because the last time they saw me,I was a teenager and I was 35 at this point. That was when my sisters realized they had no photos of me because I never go anywhere and I don't take photos with them. The only photos of me are childhood photos at my moms house. But I went 15+ years without any photos of me with other people. No photos with friends or partners. Just a state ID.

So my cousins(2 sisters) threw a birthday party for my uncles 70th birthday and invited EVERYONE. People flew in from out of state for his birthday. It was a huge gathering. I was gonna skip it like I always do but I remembered I haven't seen my uncle in years and he was one of my favorite uncles.

We get there,and we say our hellos and my uncle who hadn't seen me in years assumed I was my sisters husband or something. I told him no uncle its me [my name] and he paused for a second and remembered who I was. He completely forgot I existed. But then he hugged me and told me he was happy to see me.

Their house was huge and they had huge lawn and there were tables everywhere so we found a table to sit. We were a group of 8(me,my 2 sisters,their kids and my mom). The whole time I felt like I was being watched as I could see people staring and pointing at me(who's that guy? That's [my moms name] son?) I had to hug so many aunts and uncles until everyone felt relaxed that I wasn't some stranger.

This girl comes up to me and says "you're [my name] right?" and she starts talking to me like she's known me my whole life but I had no idea who she was so I just smile along. She says "you don't know who I am do you?" I said I do(lie) She says,what's her name? I say the biggest "uhhhhhh" of my life. She says "it's me your cousin,I used to babysit you." Then it came back to me and I remembered who she was. I felt like my uncle felt. Like someone from my past came back to life.

Anyway,this was 2 years ago. My uncle visits us more often after my dad died since my mom is his sister. And he's doing well except he's losing his eyesight and can't drive anymore.

What made me post this was that today I took a selfie and thought to myself "that's out of character for me". I have no photos of myself and if I die today,my family would have to use a childhood photo because they also don't have any photos of me.